In this episode, I talk about having younger siblings struggling with a missionary leaving home. This can feel like a lot for moms. You have your own emotions, your missionaries and your younger kids and everyone can be crying simultaneously.
I give some helpful hints on how to be there for your younger kids and also be attentive to your own nervous system and emotions. You can nurture both.
Share your missionary stories where you agree to allow me to share them: michellesevans.coach@gmail.com
In this episode, I talk about having younger siblings struggling with a missionary leaving home. This can feel like a lot for moms. You have your own emotions, your missionaries and your younger kids and everyone can be crying simultaneously.
I give some helpful hints on how to be there for your younger kids and also be attentive to your own nervous system and emotions. You can nurture both.
Share your missionary stories where you agree to allow me to share them: michellesevans.coach@gmail.com
Welcome to the podcast. I am so glad to be here today. I sometimes get requests on topics that people would like me to cover. And so this is a topic that has been sent in a couple of times. And so I wanted to jump right into it today. So sometimes when we send off a missionary, we have younger siblings. And the younger siblings start to struggle because they have big emotions about their siblings living and you know, that nobody does emotions very well. It's just not something that we're taught. And so these younger siblings miss them terribly, and it can be hard with them as a mom. Dealing with your own feelings and then you add those kids feelings. And then you also have your missionary who may or may not be experiencing homesickness. So it seems like you're crying, your, your younger kids are crying. Your missionary could be crying. And we think as a mom, that is our job to solve all of it. So one of the reasons that we want to solve our emotions is because it's uncomfortable for us. Coming up against their emotions. And we don't love watching our kids suffer. None of us are like, oh, I'd love to sign up for a little suffering today. So, let me give you an example of something I've witnessed and, and I've also done. That's aside from a mission. So my boys all were wrestlers and sometimes they would win. Sometimes they would lose. And when they got off the mat after a low loss, I really wanted to run to them and hug them furiously. But usually what they wanted was to be left alone. They would cry, cry, like stump around, maybe through other head gear. They definitely did not want hugs for me in that moment, maybe later, but not in that moment. And what I realized that was helpful. And. Translates to this topic. Is that they were dysregulated. Their nervous system was completely dysregulated. And they were not thinking with their logical brain. And they needed time to get. Back into regulation and to get some of those emotions out. So one of the worst things I witnessed other parents doing, and I did as well. Was yelling at their kids to get themselves together or to stop acting like a baby. This happens, because like I mentioned before, we're not comfortable. With their emotional outbursts. And how they're processing their emotions. And we haven't been taught. How to do that. So what if instead. We're able to give them some space for their emotions. And validate them that there's nothing wrong with how they're feeling. And that they're totally allowed. To miss a sibling. That has left on a mission that feels very, very jarring. I know when my older son was serving. I had this feeling like I know I've seen other missionaries come home. And so I know a mission ends, but it felt like forever. And I remember when I was a kid. Just waiting for the, you know, for next four months until Christmas and thinking. It was never going to come. Imagine what it feels like for your younger siblings. To have their older sibling gone. For two years, which could feel like an eternity. What if we understand the nervous system and we, and we recognize when our younger kids are dysregulated. And what if we help them? How to process their real emotions. And letting them know that there's nothing wrong with them. And I've also come to realize through the certifications that I've done. That we are totally made for these emotions that feel very, very, very hard. No matter what is happening, we are made for them. So I wanted to give a few tips today that I find helpful. With dealing with younger siblings. And I don't mean like dealing with, but helping for you. And helpful for them. So number one would be, you want to be able to open up and listen to what they have to say. And it could be ugly. They could show up in a way that looks not very pretty and not very rational. And having no agenda. Or trying to solve it or fix it. But you're just going to be completely present. And this means being able to turn off. Like ideas that come into your brain that you're like, oh my gosh, if I just share this or, oh, I can relate because of, you know, whatever. But just listen. And they don't want advice. They just want to be validated. So listen to them. Be fully present. Make sure you have no phone with you and ask clarifying questions. If something that they say is confusing. Then make sure that you get some clarity around it. Another one, the second one is walking. Like going on a walk together. Again, this is something that I've mentioned in other episodes. Rhythm helps us with regulation. And it helps them. Bring their reasoning skills back online. And it also helps you. Stay regulated and not get dysregulated with them. So taking a walk together and letting them talk. And it helps them get all of those emotions and articulate them in a way. That is very helpful for them. And then number three is helping them build the emotions instead of layering them with food or like, oh, let's go get an ice cream. Or, you know, anything that's outside of them. But learning how they, you can be in the moment and not shut it down. So just being aware that we have that tendency. I remember when my kids were getting like shots to go to kindergarten and I'd be like, okay, as soon as we're done, we're going to go get an ice cream. And that was for their discomfort and my discomfort. And so we train them very young to use food. As a way of helping them regulate, they don't have to do that. All of the tools for dealing with their emotions are inside of them. And then the last one is. You can hold space for them without getting in their pool of emotions and drowning with them. So basically in order to do this, you have to compartmentalize your own emotions. So that you can be present with theirs. And so I usually draw this in a picture for people so that they understand when somebody is, and this used to happen to me. I remember being in a primary presidency. And the primary president called me. And. I jumped right in her pool. And then. she got everything out and she was okay. And so she left the pool. And I was still in there drowning. And so I would stand in the pantry and just. You know, mindlessly eat whatever, because I didn't know how to be present. And I didn't know how to listen to her. And compartmentalize my own emotions and not make their emotions about me and not make their emotions, like whatever it is. But like somehow I'm a bad mom or. You know, whatever, however it is that our brain tries to. You know, make these funny little tricks on us. And so if you consider that this is actually a really great learning moment for them. Because they're learning about these bigger emotions and they're coming in contact with them and imagine how helpful this will be when they grow up. And they're adults. And they can be emotionally. Well, and also have the language and the ability to articulate what's happening inside their body and that the emotion does ebb and flow. It's also helpful to notice. What's happening inside of you as a mother. As they share their emotions. Does your brain start offering up ideas to solve? Do you get physically uncomfortable? I was having a conversation just yesterday. Not with my kids. But I noticed that I started getting a little bit jittery and I started to sweat. And so I was starting to Physically have some discomfort. And so it's being aware of some of those things and what emotions start coming up in your body. And do you need to pause? And come back because if you dysregulated as well. Then both of your logical brains are offline and then neither one of you is helping each other. Sometimes that takes like, Hey, I need, I need to pause for a minute. And I want to reconvene. But I just need to feel some of these emotions. That are similar to what you're feeling. So that I can be present for you and explaining that to them so that they're aware of what's happening. And then after an emotional conversation with your younger kids, Make sure you take a few minutes to notice. And see if you need tending to. And my go-to when my kids are experiencing big emotions asleep. I want to sleep for days. Which is the nervous system's response for me. And so like Leah Davidson mentioned in an earlier episode about nervous system. I go into team hypo. Which is sleeping. Avoidance. As a recognize if that's happening to you. And then you need to prioritize some of that and don't just bulldoze your nervous system, but be acutely aware. That it's okay if you need some sleep. So you're just going to go to bed early and maybe. If you have an early morning. If you can cancel a few things and just get a few extra Zs. Then that's going to help you. Be able to manage yourself and, you know, what's coming up in tending to your nervous system and what's happening. Because of coming in contact with your younger siblings. Or your, your, your missionaries younger siblings. Your younger kids. And I also feel that my body needs nourishing food so that we don't compound the emotions with sugar or brain fog or some type of body fatigue. Because of eating sugar. And so just be very hypervigilant and aware that you're trying to give yourself. The best possible. Will outcome and keeping your brain and your body has clear as possible. And as moms we're really good at nurturing others and helping, which is amazing. It's a great skill. Just make sure that you're also offering. Some nurturing to yourself because those, those feelings from your younger kids can feel. Very overwhelming. All right, everybody. That's what I've got for you today. I just want to remind you that. I am taking on one-on-one clients. And there is a link to schedule a call with me. That's included in the show. Show notes. The next group that I will be doing will start in mid April. And so that link is also in the show notes. If that's something that you're interested in and you want to be part of a group of other missionary moms where we're supporting each other and I'm teaching you skills, and we're going to deep dive into. These things that we talk about. On the podcast. All right, have a great week. And I will see you next week. Bye-bye.
