Hey there! In our latest podcast episode, I opened up about the rollercoaster ride of getting a visa for my son's mission. Who knew it would be such a learning experience for us both? Then, we dove deep into the tricky topic of shame. Inspired by Brené Brown's amazing insights, I reflected on how those old "shame tapes" from my past affected my parenting. We also touched on Kurt Franklin's thoughts about shame and God's expectations. It was quite the journey, unpacking how to break free from shame and embrace our true selves. Can't wait for you to join us and explore these transformative ideas together!
Share your missionary stories where you agree to allow me to share them: michellesevans.coach@gmail.com
Hey there! In our latest podcast episode, I opened up about the rollercoaster ride of getting a visa for my son's mission. Who knew it would be such a learning experience for us both? Then, we dove deep into the tricky topic of shame. Inspired by Brené Brown's amazing insights, I reflected on how those old "shame tapes" from my past affected my parenting. We also touched on Kurt Franklin's thoughts about shame and God's expectations. It was quite the journey, unpacking how to break free from shame and embrace our true selves. Can't wait for you to join us and explore these transformative ideas together!
Share your missionary stories where you agree to allow me to share them: michellesevans.coach@gmail.com
Welcome to the podcast. So I am working on my son's visa. And holy moly. Every mission is so different on the visa requirements. And one thing that I've never done. So this is all new for me. Is I have to send my son's birth certificate to the secretary of state that he was born in, you know, into the state that he was born in. And I have to have. His birth certificate authenticated. I didn't even know that was the thing. So I'm sure there's tons of moms that can relate. To how involved the visa process can be and what a learning curve. And what an opportunity also for me to learn and grow, but also for my son, because we are talking through all of this. And something that was really interesting is that I have talked to some of my brothers. About it. And some of my brothers are in the military and they've gone through extensive background checks and they've done some of this very similar work. And so that's it's actually a really good skill for them to learn. We'll see how that goes. I'll I'll definitely keep you guys posted. If we. You can get through this process. So the thing I wanted to talk about today is shame. So shame is really interesting. Thank goodness. Bernay brown is around. And she's done all of the work and the studying and all of the data. And she's really helped us with the language. About how to talk about shame. And like what's all happening. And it's something that I definitely talk about with my boys. And especially before they leave on a mission. And it's also something that I've had to unwind myself inside of myself. So I grew up in the eighties in the nineties and some of the language. That I ran into that was very typical and kind of the primary setting and maybe some of the young women was. God is very disappointed when you make mistakes. And I knew that I felt disappointment in myself. And I also felt like I created disappointment in my parents when I made mistakes. And what I've realized now is that. I don't actually have the ability to create an emotion in God. And I have to say that that was very, very freeing to come to that conclusion that God is all knowing. He knew that when we came to this life that we were going to make mistakes. Which is why he provided us. With a savior. So he doesn't have to be disappointed when we do make mistakes. It wasn't like he sent us down here and then he found out like, oh, they're going to mess up. And so then he like scrapped together a plan. And so another one that I ran into growing up was. At a shoe box. And you know, like we had a teacher that had a shoe box and they would say, come on up, if you were mean to your sister or to your brother, or if you told a lie or just any little thing. And you would poke a hole in this box. And at the end of the lesson, she would hold it up and inside the box is a picture of Christ. And of course he's covered in holes. Because all the kids in the class poked holes. Well, what that did for me, the way that lesson landed for me and the way I internalized it was one of shame. And then also resentment. Because I didn't want to poke holes in Christ. I didn't want to make him suffer. And so I must be very horrible. For making these kinds of mistakes. And so, you know, consequently then generating a ton of shame inside of myself. And so I took that shame into my teenage years and then also into young adult. And then I started to unwind it a number of years ago. Where the, the. Some of that shame talk and stuff just started to feel really icky for me. And so I started to really examine what was happening and also like past mistakes. If I start to really dwell on. Past mistakes. I can really let my brain spin those thoughts. And, and I can drum up shame. And so it's very interesting thing. That's kind of taking place. And even some of the ways that the repentance process is talked about can generate some shame. So then the person doesn't want to access the. Healing, power of Christ that can be provided. And so it's just really helpful to be aware. And I think one of the things that's key. Is to know, when we're in a shame cycle. And also when our kids are in a shame cycle, And so we want to, I want to go over some of those things today. So the way that Bernay brown defines it is. I did something wrong. Versus I am wrong. Or I did something bad versus I am bad. So I did something is the mistake we made versus we take it on is our identity. That we are bad. And when we take it on as our identity, That's when we get really into a shame cycle. So when our kids are telling us. About something they may have done or perhaps on the mission or perhaps prior to the mission. And they're on the mission and they start feeling guilty about not clearing something up or anything like that. They can get, they can start to step into this shame cycle. So we just need to be very aware of the language that they're using so that they can see the difference. Between feeling bad about the action. Versus feeling bad about themselves. Because they are always loved and they always have access to Christ. We have a tendency when we're feeling shame to hide. And that doesn't help us. Grow closer. And it certainly doesn't help our missionaries. I've been listening to this book. By Kurt Frankum. That's titled is God disappointed in me. And I highly recommend. And in it, he discusses how shame is one of Satan's most powerful tools. And it, because it keeps us away from Christ. And shame is an emotion that feels really, really scary, and it feels very, very big, but if we can teach our kids. That we can trust. That there is relief on the other side. And that by accessing the atonement. That they will be much more willing to go through it. Instead of hiding longer and creating this cycle of suffering. And struggles that are totally not necessary. One of the examples that I like to talk about is in the Bible. When David. And the whole bass Shiba thing. But in it, God mentions that he loves David. And the reason he loves David is because David ran to God. And even after all of the things he'd done, he trusted the Christ had him. Which is the opposite of shame and hiding. And thinking that we can kind of behavior. Or modify our behavior. And then we can get out of the cycle. Think about like disparaging thoughts that creep in during the day. And this can happen with our missionaries, but it can happen with us as well. And thoughts, like if I was more righteous, If only I. Followed the rules even better. If I was even better at obeying. Whatever it is, it can start leaving you feeling really discouraged and full of shame that we're not doing our best. And then our brains. You know, create a neural pathway with this and we can amplify it with additional thoughts and we can spiral into this. So in that book That Kurt Francom wrote. He said he talks about having an identity statement that you can say out loud. Like I am a daughter of God. And when we say that we can use that as identity statement, or we can use it as a club, like, I I'm a daughter of God and I should know better. And so when we're shooting on ourselves, we're definitely creating some shame. but if we can say it in a way that's believable. And we can start to believe ourselves, then we can interrupt some of that. And I've mentioned before about a book called. Chatter by Ethan Cross and they've studied like the chatter that goes on in our brain. And how to interrupt some of that negative self talk in our mind. And so I would say that if we. Are able to. Incorporate from both of these books, the tools. And we say our name out loud and we couple that with an identity statement, then we have a very powerful way that we can combat shame. And this helps us create a pattern or a neuropathway with a belief in who we are. And where we came from and what we're here to do. And so we, we really want our missionaries to learn all of these things. That I talk about in this and other podcasts. But the real benefit is when we start with ourselves. And we start doing these things for us. And then we can teach this. So I've gone through numerous shame cycles. I've been able to start really examining and I've found the. Kind of the pattern. That I've created, that kind of keeps myself safe. And so my nervous system gets very activated when I start to feel some shame coming up by something that's being taught or somebody saying, or, you know, just in a. regular setting. And my usual pattern is to first get very puffed up and get defensive and try to control the situation, which is the fight response. Then, if that doesn't work, then I'm epically good at. Being the escape artist or flight. So I flight with food. I numb out using food. That's usually my drug of choice. I do also with Netflix, I've done it with social media scrolling and there's a host of other ways that we can do this. But when we start to see. What's happening, then you're able to let go of the pattern. And you can get out of this shame cycle because we never were our patterns and we never were those emotions. They, they are not us. They are just going through us. And we can be free on the other side of shame. And so this is very, very useful work to be able to see your own patterns, your own. The things that you've built. And some of it is just by sheer survival as we're growing up. And it's no fault of anybody's. It's just a way that our brains. Have figured out how to survive. And how to protect us. And so it's a matter of unwinding. Some of that. And being able to see it for what it is. So if this is some of the work. That you're interested in doing. This is some of the stuff that we talk about in my program. And. During the summer when we're sending missionaries off. We're going to have a ton. Of emotions that come up. And a lot of did I do enough? Did I teach them enough? And I would just offer to you that. While they're on their missions. They are. More open than they have been probably their whole high school life. And. So it really gives you an opportunity to teach them some of the things that maybe you didn't know or you're just becoming aware of. So make sure that you schedule a free call with me. And there's a link in the show notes. And I can help you. If you can see that some of these things are coming up for you. All right. You guys, this is what I've got for you. today. I'm. It's one of those topics that's hard. And so, so rewarding and so good. Once you dive in. All right. I will see you all next week. Bye bye now.
