22: Supporting, Not Saving

In this episode, we explore the profound realization that as parents, we are not our children's saviors—they already have one. Through personal reflections, insights from Kurt Francom's book "Is God Disappointed in Me?", and scriptural references, we delve into the importance of allowing our children to experience discomfort as a part of their growth. We discuss practical strategies for supporting our kids without overstepping and trusting in their personal journeys.

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Transcript

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Have you ever felt like you're the one who needs to save your kids? So you're really not alone. Many of us parents feel that way. But here is a really powerful truth. Our kids already have a savior and it's not us. So today I want to welcome you to this episode. I want to share a profound. Realization that I had. Recently that changed my perspective on parenting and it started a few months ago. In a really society meaning. I was sitting in really society and I don't even remember what the lesson was about. But a lady raised her hand and she says, said something that really hit me hard. And she said. Our kids have a savior and it's not, you. So intellectually. And logically, I knew this because we talk about the saber all the time. But when she said it, I realized that I had been acting. Like I was the one and only person responsible for my kids, making it on the covenant path. But I'm not their savior. They already have one. So reflecting on this, I began to really see how often we as moms hustle to ensure, and especially me. To ensure that our kids follow a certain path. They go on missions. They do have a tumble marriage. They have a life free of struggles. And growing up and raising my kids, I thought I could mask my insecurities and wounds. By doing extra good in my callings spending more time, reading scriptures, having family home evening, making sure everybody felt this spirit by dang. And if I, I believed if I did more. That I would gain approval in blessings and that my kids would somehow. Be saved and not have some of the struggles that I had endured. So looking back, I realized that my approach was rooted in fear. And. A need for control. I feared that if I didn't do enough, my kids may stray from the path. And I felt like if I could control my kids and the choices that they made. That they would. They wouldn't stare stray from the path. So this mindset really led me to a lot of stress and burnout. And it also led me to a lot of resentment. Because I was constantly trying to keep up this facade of perfection and thinking that my efforts alone. Would secure my kids, spiritual success and. That's crazy. Right. But how often do we think that. And some of those ideas came from things that I was taught. Things that I. Started to believe that were true and they weren't really serving me. So this really brings to mind. A book that I recently listened to by Kurt prank com. Titled is God disappointed in me. And he really emphasized that Christ wants our hearts. Not just our actions. So imagine if he showed up today. And he, and we could have him heal any of our wounds. Would we let him, or would we say, oh no, no. I'm good. I'm good. And would we ask him to heal our kids or our spouse instead? Another thing in his book, he talks about the importance of vulnerability and authenticity in our relationships with God. So he suggests. That are attempts to earn God's favor through actions can sometimes mask. Deeper issues that we need to address. This was a really big wake up call for me to focus on my relationship with Christ. And less on my checklist of spiritual tasks. It's like. Cleaning my house before I have. I have a cleaning lady come over. I didn't want it to appear that I needed too much help. Similarly when I read my son's emails home from his mission. I wonder if things are really as great as they sound. Or if it's just a facade. But he's a lot more forthcoming. During our weekly calls and sometimes the facade cracks. And he reveals some of his honest to goodness struggles. So our brains don't love the discomfort of our kids discomfort. And we naturally want to Sue them. And I see so many moms in Facebook asking for ways to help their struggling missionaries by sending them. Conference talk scriptures or quotes. But what if their discomfort is part of their growth? So there was a guy that spoken sacrament recently. And he mentioned the shortest scripture. Jesus wept. And Christ wept with his friends because Lazaruth died. He didn't try to send them something to feel better. He didn't try to Sue them. He simply wept. How powerful would it be for us to lean in? To the discomfort of our missionaries might be feeling instead. Of rushing to make it feel better. And sometimes that. We want to rush in to fill, but help them feel better because we don't like to be. In our own discomfort of their discomfort. So, I'm not saying that the heart times that they don't, that they need our help, that we should give it for sure. We should. But we should also be mindful of the times that are just flat out hard. And allow our kids to sit. With that. The hard thing. That they're facing. And these emotions are part of having a body. And embracing them can lead to a fuller life experience. For both us and for our missionaries. And so sometimes for me as a mom, When my son is struggling. I start to feel a lot of anxiety. And that's what comes up for me in my body. And. And I feel like I have to hurry in Russian somehow fix it for him. But I want to give you some practical strategies. That will help you be able to. Show up for them in a really authentic away. So the first one is just active listening. It's one of the best ways we can support our kids. Is by actively listening to them. Without immediately offering solutions. And sometimes they just need to feel heard. So just being able to listen, ask questions and help them. I get very clear on what the actual issue is because our brains have a tendency to kind of ping all over the place. So they start with one thing and then they bring up another thing. And then another thing. But helping them just really be able to hone it in. And boil it down to like, this is the issue. And all these other things are. Are just coming up because of the main root cause. Also modeling vulnerability. So share some of your own struggles and how you're working through them. And this just shows your kids. You're missionaries that it's okay to struggle. And that growth often comes through challenges. And then another one is just encouraging your kids to face. Their challenges, head on. Remind. Remind them that they have had past struggles that they've overcome. And how those experiences have made them stronger. And, and then also last, just reminding them. That you and your children are. Part of God's plan and that it's okay to trust him. And his timing and the process. Can help bring peace even during difficult times. When they're really struggling. So, let me just share a real life example of how I've tried to apply some of these principles. My son was struggling on his mission. And he called me and it was a particular companion that he had some. Personal. Issues with and. You know, instinctively, what I want to do is kind of puff up. And, you know, blame the other missionary blame, the mom. But instead of bombarding him with. Like agreeing with him. Or bombarding him with advice. I asked him a few questions. And I just told him that I was really proud of him. Cause he knew that going out on a mission. That he was going to encounter some Difficult companions. And that he's been able to persevere. And that it was okay for him at times to feel overwhelmed and that he doesn't have to feel. Like love and yummy all the time. That theirs. Just because there's another human involved. There's going to be hiccups. And any time we bump into other humans, You know, there's. Even the people that we love the very, very most we're going to have feelings of annoyance or irritation. Or even anger towards, and so he really began to open up and share like true. Some of his true feelings. And it helped him. To just process some of those emotions. And the experience. A little bit more effectively. And so he was actually able to just kind of let them go and move forward as opposed to spinning in them and making them. Worse. Cause we can definitely do that with our brains. So as we move forward, let's try to remember. That we are not our kids savior. That they already have one. So we can support them and love them. And we can allow them. to grow through their own struggles. And then just as a parent reflect on your parenting style. And how can you let go and trust more? In their personal growth process. And letting go of, you know, possibly some fear or controlling or perfectionism that may be coming up on your end. All right, you guys, thank you so much for joining me today. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with other parents who might need this reminder. And let's continue this journey together, supporting each other and our children. And our missionaries in the best way possible. All right until next time. Take care. Bye bye.