28: Coming Home Early for Health Reasons with Damara Simmons

In this episode of LDS Missionary Moms, host Michelle Evans shares a personal update on the visa process for her son, who is preparing to serve in Zimbabwe. Michelle then welcomes her sister, Damara Simmons, to discuss a significant and often challenging topic: when a missionary comes home early. Damara recounts her unique experience with her second son, who returned home early from his mission due to severe health issues.

Damaris shares:

• The timeline of events leading up to her son's early return.
• The emotional and mental journey she experienced as a mother.
• How she and her family navigated the sudden change and supported her son.
• The importance of leading with grace, love, and understanding.
• How they celebrated his return and the impact it had on him.
• Insights into dealing with judgment and maintaining a supportive environment.

Michelle and Damara also discuss the broader cultural shift within the church regarding early returns, especially post-COVID, and the importance of dispelling the associated stigma.

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Transcript

Michelle: 0:28

Hello and welcome to the podcast. I have to give you guys a quick update. So I've been talking about how we've been going through the visa process for my son that's going to be leaving on his mission in Zimbabwe. And holy moly, we finally got that complete. So today I actually have a guest and so i'm really excited to bring on Damaris Simmons And she's also my sister, and she has had two of her boys serve missions, and she had kind of a unique experience with her second son, and kind of what happened with him on his mission, and so welcome, Damara. Thank you, nice to be here. Yeah, so I actually wanted Damara to come because I wanted to really start to normalize that sometimes missionaries do come home, and for various reasons. And, Damera, one of her kids came home from his mission. So first off, I wanted to ask her just about what did she do? Like, what did you do while he was on the mission? And when did you find out that he was coming home and kind of what happened there?

Damara: 1:41

so he had been out for about six months and about a week before we got to do the video call with him. And he was laying on the bench in the church building and telling us how terrible he felt. And so my husband and I were like, okay, you know, what do you need help with? And he's like, oh, I don't know. I just need sleep. I'm just super tired. And he wasn't feeling well. And we knew going out on a mission that he had had a little bit of health concerns with like his digestive system. And, but he seemed to be okay when he went to MTC and when he first started. And, yeah, so then about three days before he came home, we got a call from him and a message from his mission president. We didn't know he was coming home at that point, but just saying he was having some severe medical issues. They were going to have him, in with a doctor and get a colonoscopy and see if they could figure out what was going on. And so they were working on that and we had no idea it gotten that bad so fast. And then he said, okay, we'll let you know tomorrow what we find out. And they did find some things on the colonoscopy that, and he just felt so terrible. So then the next day. The mission president asked him, you know, what, you know, what do you want to do? And they decided together that it was best for him to come home because he just wasn't able to do the work that he wanted to. So yeah, so we got a message from him. He was coming home the next day and it was like, wow, okay. Very unexpected. Blindsided us.

Michelle: 3:22

Yeah. And, he was not serving in the United States.

Damara: 3:27

Yeah. He was in Mexico City.

Michelle: 3:28

So how, like as a mom, here's your son, he's in another country and he's having some medical procedures. How did that go for you? Like what was going through your mind?

Damara: 3:42

well I felt, pretty nervous and cause it was very much out of my control, but I just kind of had to trust that the people that were with them, like the mission president and people in the office were trying to get him the best help that they could, that was available to them. So I was super nervous though. Lots of anxiety and, just didn't know because of the unknown, like what was going to happen. having him come home, I thought maybe he's close to dying. I don't know because I couldn't, really see him and hug him and make sure he was okay and taking him to where I would want him to be seen. So yeah, it was just a lot of nervousness and concern for him. Do

Michelle: 4:23

you think that it would have been easier if he'd have been in the States? Do you think it added some of the additional anxiety with him being out of the country? I'm just curious. I hadn't

Damara: 4:31

thought

Michelle: 4:32

of that.

Damara: 4:32

Yeah, probably some because you still don't know if their medical systems is good as in the US, so if he was being seen by the proper doctors or, you know, they did things the same way that we do. So, Yeah, I hadn't really actually thought of it that way though, but yeah, probably some extra nervousness because he was out of country, but I think even if he's in the States, I would be nervous just because he was far away, you know, from me, but even more so being international. Yeah, definitely.

Michelle: 5:02

Okay. So I think it's really kind of, telling and probably has happened to a number of other moms that get an unexpected call. of like what you got and three days notice and then your son's coming home. So when you found out he was coming home, like what was going on in your mind? Like what was happening? You want to know the narrative that was going on that was spinning around? Yeah. It

Damara: 5:26

was

Michelle: 5:26

spiraling around. What was your brain telling you?

Damara: 5:30

Oh, it was telling me a lot of great stories, a lot of crazy stories, I mean, one story was. That, you know, somehow I had failed him as a mom, you know, I made it about me. My brain was making it very much about me, initially and that I hadn't done enough and that he might die and I mean, kind of the extreme things and then, and then it would jump to, okay, we're going to figure this out and there's people that are helping him and then it would go to. Oh, everyone's going to think he's a failure as a missionary, because he's coming home and what are people going to think? And there's going to be all this judgment and how we're going to handle that. So those were a lot of the narratives that were happening.

Michelle: 6:15

So when he actually got home, what ended up happening?

Damara: 6:21

Well, I really had to search deep about, Like the day before he came home. So we kind of knew maybe a day and a half ahead of time. So I had all these stories going on and then I just kind of had to stop and say, okay, this is my son. He's not well, but, if he was coming home from a mission and at the normal time, how would I be acting and how would I respond to him coming home? And what would I be doing right now? And I want to be doing those same things. So I let family know, I told him when he's going to be coming home. I made a welcome home sign. on the way to the airport, we stopped and got balloons, and so it was just like showing up for him, in a same way as if he had served a full mission. So just really celebrating and being super happy to see him.

Michelle: 7:13

And so do you have any idea of what the impact was on him? Has he ever mentioned what it was like when, on his end, coming home early and like the way you guys welcomed him and things like that?

Damara: 7:26

Yeah, he said it meant so much to him. he was really surprised. First of all, he said, wow, I didn't expect like that many people. He thought, you know, it would be like our immediate family, like his brothers. but he didn't know, so there were ants and there was peasants and, yeah, there was a bunch of extended family that came and he said he was so surprised by that. And he said, it just meant so much that. He knew that there were so many people in his corner and rooting for him and happy to see him regardless of the circumstances. So it meant a lot to him. the one thing I didn't want to have happen is for him to come home and feel shame because I figured he'd already be feeling bad that, he wasn't able to stay. So I wasn't going to in any way. Like keep that story going or make it bigger for him or like create more for him. So I just wanted them to know, like, we were all there for him And celebrating him and everything he'd been able to do. And we were so excited to see him.

Michelle: 8:27

Yeah, that's awesome. So, what about the judgment piece? Did he run into any of that? Did he ever have any issues with that? Or Was it like, just get him home and get him? Well, like, how did you kind of move through that process?

Damara: 8:42

Yeah. So when he came home, we actually took him to the straight to the ER after we picked him up from the airport just to see if there was anything like really life threatening happening. And we found out there wasn't anything life threatening right then. So that was good. And so he actually came home on a Saturday. And so we, he went to church with us the next day on Sunday. And I just told him, like, people are gonna be really happy to see you, you know, they're probably gonna, you know, maybe ask, like, what's up? Like, you know, how you doing? And, and it's only because people are concerned. Nobody's judging you. And he's like, yeah, it's fine. I'm, I'm fine. He wasn't even worried about that. He wasn't, he was feeling so terrible, like physically he, he really, I mean, what he told me is he's just, he wasn't even thinking about what other people were thinking. He just wanted to get well, he was so tired of not being well. And so I kind of just prepped him a little and just said, you know, people will be asking you and just because they love and they care about you and it's, there's no judgment happening and it's more curiosity. People are just curious, like what's going on, how he is.

Michelle: 9:48

So as you started, you know, taking him into doctors and things, did you ever have, like in your mind, your brain ever come up with blame, blaming the mission or blaming the area he was in that maybe some of it would have, could have caused sicknesses or if you didn't, like, how did you keep, how did you keep that clean so that. You were able to kind of navigate that

Damara: 10:16

without blaming the mission, yeah, I didn't blame the mission for it happening. we actually ended up seeing it after a couple months and kind of finding out what was happening with him. We actually found it as a blessing because he needed to be somewhere where this illness that he has, that's because of being exposed to mold. he was exposed to so much on the mission. So it exploded. So we knew like we had to get on this immediately. So he wasn't just gradually deteriorating it exploded that, disease. And so it made it so that we could get on it and get them well. That's just how I took, or thought about it and kept it clean was I'm so glad he was there so we could, address this and know it was a very big issue that needed to, he needed help with.

Michelle: 11:02

Okay.

Damara: 11:03

So,

Michelle: 11:04

how did you, earlier about, um, kind of feeling like, you know, that you had somehow failed him as a mom. How did you, Navigate that, because I think mom guilt is so prevalent, especially around anything that has to do with like our kids, their health, anything that we can layer guilt on, we're epically good at. Yeah.

Damara: 11:31

So how I handled mom guilt about it. Yeah, that's the question. yeah, I don't know. I think I've worked quite a few years on that. So I don't have so much mom guilt anymore. I mean, it creeps in a little bit. I used to have a lot more when my kids were younger. so now the way that I address, like anytime I was thinking like, Oh, I'm such a bad mom. I can't believe, you know, I didn't catch this or whatever. I just thought, well, it is what it is right now. And what's the next step to getting him well. So I just always would stop making it about me and it's like his health and his stuff and that I want to just be the support, you know, and helping him get well. And That's kind of how I redirect the mom guilt is just like, this is what I'm going to do today to help them. And that's, so then I was doing what I could, what was in my control. So that, that helps. So yeah,

Michelle: 12:42

so I think it's always really interesting when we say like, let's not make it about us because it's until somebody shined that light on, on, kind of that blind spot that I had that I was making so many things about me, I was making my kids successes and their failures and their triumphs and they're not triumphs and their messiness I was making about me and my, my mothering skills. And when I learned how to. say, like, this isn't about me. and not make it personal. And this is about being able to help my kids or, teach my kids or be there for them or whatever. it's a lot more grace centered. So it's a lot more, Healthy and helpful. And now mother's day doesn't have to be a day of guilt.

Damara: 13:34

Yeah No, because when we've done what we can then there's no guilt. Like I helped to make his next doctor's appointment. So no reason to sit around feel guilty about it You know, yeah, like we all get sick and have illnesses and stuff. So just helping him and focusing on him. I think when we focus on our kids and and then we don't put that focus on ourselves, you know Just focus on what what is it that they need, you know right now or what they need. What do they need help with? So

Michelle: 14:05

yeah, yeah And it's and it's so much healthier and it helps like them if we're showing up for them Instead of internally clubbing ourselves inside of our brains.

Damara: 14:16

Well, and if we're cutting ourselves, you know, when I used to do that, then I wasn't a very effective mom anymore because then I would just get caught up and I couldn't think straight about how to solve problems. I just getting caught up in a lot of drama in my head and so I wasn't very effective. So That's another reason to. Put the mom guilt down and give grace instead so you can be more effective. You're much more effective if you're, if you're, yeah, give lots of grace to yourself and then move on to problem solving.

Michelle: 14:49

Right. So I know that there's a lot of missionaries that go, they come home, you know, they'll have to have a surgery or do something and then they go back. Did your son decide to go back or did he decide to stay home

Damara: 15:00

Yeah. So yeah, he decided to stay home. when we found out. what was going on for him, it takes about a year to get well from it. And so, knowing it was going to be a year, he decided, that he was going to be done with the mission. So he served for six months and he was glad he could do it. he doesn't regret it or anything. He's so glad he went and he had the experience. and we let him decide it was up to him, you know, what he felt like. so I emailed the mission president because he was curious about him and concerned and worried about him too, which was really nice because he sent an email, like checking on them So after we knew it was going to take a while, I emailed him back and said, yeah, it doesn't look like he'll be coming. This is going to take quite a while to heal from. he was like, okay, good to know. and wished us well. and said we could reach out anytime.

Michelle: 15:49

It's awesome. So do you think that this has any impact on your youngest son and his decision to serve or not serve?

Damara: 15:58

Oh, that's a good question. my youngest, so I have the three sons. My oldest went and served the two years. So then my second one served the six months and came home with the health issues. My third one is 17, 18 this fall and he wants to serve a mission and so it hasn't impacted him in that he doesn't not want to go. So I know he wants to go. So yeah, I mean, I think it's been interesting for him to kind of watch and see and watch us navigate it and know that, you know, we're going to support them no matter what happens, you know? So it's not like parents. Oh, you know, things aren't going the way we think. Peace out. We're not helping you. So he's fine he's wanting to serve too, which is fine. All of my sons is all their decision. We didn't tell them they ever had to go on a mission. So we knew that it would be an experience that they would grow a lot in. but it's always their choice.

Michelle: 17:03

Well, that is awesome. This has been really helpful. Thank you so much, Tamara. I think that there's a lot of suffering that happens unnecessarily because our brain spins epically intense stories. And just because we think it doesn't mean it's true. So we

Damara: 17:24

have

Michelle: 17:26

to definitely keep reminding ourselves. I think that the culture in our churches starting to improve around missions, I think COVID definitely changed a lot of people's minds about people coming home because people didn't have a choice. They came home. No matter what, you know, a lot of people had to just come home. So I think a lot of that cultural, maybe shame and guilt has started to shift. And I think that's a really positive change for us as parents and for our missionaries that go out and serve and come home.

Damara: 18:03

Absolutely. If your missionary struggling, if they need to come home, you can handle it. I think sometimes our brain likes to think we can't handle things like that. It's going to be too much. It's going to break us like, cause we've never experienced it before, but you can handle it. and just lead with grace and love for you and your missionary. And they will thrive, my son is thriving, he's doing so well now, and, I wouldn't have imagined that a year ago, but things do work out.

Michelle: 18:38

Yeah, it's amazing what does happen, Well, thank you so much, Tamara. I really appreciate your time today and being willing to share your story and the story with your son. And I know that this will be a big impact for a lot of moms. So, thank you.

Damara: 18:55

You're welcome. Glad to be here.

Michelle: 18:58

All right, everybody. I am going to be doing a couple of more, episodes on this topic. I have another one that will be coming up next week about, when you start to really question your testimony. So make sure you stay tuned and listen in for that episode. All right, we will see you next week.