Toddler Tantrums #004

For everything Whole Parent, including the Email List and Membership:
https://stan.store/wholeparent

Ever felt like you're at your wit's end with toddler tantrums and meltdowns?

You're not alone.

Journey with me as we uncover the mysteries behind our little ones' biggest emotional explosions. Drawing from the trials and triumphs of my own parenting adventures and the insights gathered in creating Whole Parent, this episode is a treasure trove of understanding and practical advice. From three-year-old Olivia's brain to your daily routine, we explore the neuroscience and heart-to-heart connections necessary in transforming challenging days into opportunities for growth and bonding.

Tantrums and meltdowns are a language of their own, and in this episode, we translate that emotional dialect into actionable steps for parents. Discover the three-layered brain model to comprehend why toddlers can be so overwhelmed by emotions, and how you, as a co-regulator, play a crucial role in your child's development of self-control. We bring to light the power of empathy and the subtle art of modeling calm behavior, equipping you to not just manage, but truly understand and support your child through their most turbulent moments.

We wrap things up with a focus on the day-to-day practicalities that can make or break the peace of parenting. For Emma, a four-year-old who finds transitions tough, we discuss the importance of establishing routines and digging deeper to address the root causes of behavioral challenges.

By the end of our time together, you'll walk away with a toolkit brimming with strategies for fostering a nurturing environment where trust and emotional intelligence are the cornerstones of your relationship with your child. Join us for this heartfelt and insightful discussion that promises to reshape the way you see and respond to your toddler's most trying times.

Transcript

Jon: 0:00

And that's the part of your brain, that's the part of Olivia's brain that is not developed yet, and so when she doesn't get her preferred snack or toy, she will melt down as if it is a life or death situation, because her brain does not have an ability to tell her that it is not a life or death situation. This is why toddlers can become supremely emotional about absolutely nothing. It's a brand new day. Wake up every morning and say it's a brand new day. Take a good day, make it great. Okay, in this episode of the Whole Parent Podcast, we are talking about probably one of my favorite topics. It is tantrums, it is meltdowns, especially. In this episode, we're going to be answering three questions from toddler parents about tantrums and meltdowns, and tantrums are near and dear to my heart, not only because I have toddlers, but also because handling tantrums, getting through tantrums, was one of the things that launched the Whole Parent Platform, where I went from being just a dad making TikToks which I still am right, I'm still just a dad who makes TikToks and helps parents, based on the things that I've learned and the things that are working for me. And then we apply that and we work with other parents and add the research to that and all that. But I went from being a dad who posted about research and child development and evidence-based parenting to really being the whole parent, being the person who I am today. Tantrums is kind of how we launched the membership, which is where I do kind of my best work. It's where people started to ask me questions like can we get longer-form content, things like the email list, eventually, what became the podcast which you're listening to right now? But tantrums are really challenging and so it's unsurprising to me that we have questions about tantrums, that we can spend a whole episode on this, because this is some of the most common questions, especially for those toddler parents that they ask, whether in the membership, like I said, or in DMs or emails or whatever.

Jon: 2:19

The first question and remember, as always on the Whole Parent podcast, we take three questions that are from parents that kind of encompass and embody the other questions that we get when we put out calls for hey, how many people, what questions do you have? We'll get 20, 30, 50 questions and we'll take three of them that are on a specific topic and we'll dig into that topic. Today we have three questions from Lauren Melissa and Michelle and Lauren. Melissa and Michelle have kids who are two, three and four years old actually, three, four and two years old, that's the order that we're doing them in and they all have questions about tantrums and meldons, and so we're going to just jump right into it. The first question comes from Lauren says hi, this is Lauren.

Jon: 3:03

My child's name is Olivia, she's three years old. Lately, olivia has been having frequent tantrums and she's been doing minor things like not getting her preferred snack or toy. I'm finding it challenging to manage these outbursts. Can you share some strategies for handling tantrums and understanding the reason behind these behavioral issues? Lauren, I absolutely can. This is a really, really common question. Why does my two-year-old, why does my three-year-old, melt down over seemingly nothing? And the short answer is because their brain is still new, and so when we think about brains, we can think about them.

Jon: 3:42

The easiest way that I have found to talk to parents about their children's brains or their own brains, is in layers. So think about it in three layers, with the layer at the center being the most central, so instead of layers like top, bottom, it's like the most inside, then a little bit further out and then the outside. Our brains are majority outside third level. That's where all of our reasoning and thinking and logic comes from. That's what makes us human. The number of what we call cortical neurons, which are the neurons in our cortex, that's the outer layer the number and density of our cortical neurons and connections that they make is just so much higher than any other animal on planet Earth. And it's what makes us able to do complex problem-solving and develop things like language and complex reasoning and math and all that other stuff, things that other animals just can't do. And this part of our brain takes the longest to develop.

Jon: 4:48

On the other hand, the earth, the earth parts of our brain that are more interior, the limbic system and the brainstem these are parts of our brain that develop almost entirely in utero, so before we're even born, and this is the places in our brain where our fight-flight-freeze reaction comes from, our stress response is another fancy way to call that our sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system, or that's where that comes from. And then at the brainstem is things like I'm sorry, that was the limbic system. That's the middle layer, and then the smallest layer, the layer at our brainstem, the part of us that even we share with lizards and really simple creatures out in the world. Our brainstem are things that control things like our heartbeat, our temperature, etc. So another way to think of this is not in layer one, layer two, layer three a lot of people call it the lizard brain, which is our most interior, it's the thing that we share with lizards then our mammal brain, which is the thing that we share with most mammals, especially primates, and primates I keep saying primate, because my kid's into Pokemon right now primates and then that's where we feel our feelings and our emotions and our fight-or-flight response. And then, at our highest level of thinking, is our neocortex, which is our human brain.

Jon: 6:15

So why am I talking about this? Well, basically, when I when we say that our brainstem is developed at birth, it is right. We could not live without our brainstem being fully functioning at birth. So this is again body heat, temperature. Is it really good at those things? Yet no.

Jon: 6:30

This is why skin-to-skin contact in the first couple days of life are really important. This is why we do that is because it actually we can co-regulate our bodies with our kids. So if our kids you know kids that are one or two days old, especially primates who are born prematurely they have trouble regulating their body temperature, regulating their heart rate, and so by being in contact with another human being, their body actually adjusts to our body. And in women it's even crazier than that, right? So when women do skin-to-skin contact, their bodies will regulate up or down a couple of degrees to to help their child to regulate up or down. So if you just think about the human body is crazy, guys, it's crazy.

Jon: 7:14

But the brainstem, by and large, is developed on day one. What's more surprising is that the emotional center of our brains and memory, the emotional center and the memory centers, the limbic system, what we call the stress response, the amygdala if you've ever heard me talk about that in other places this is fully ready to go, also basically on day one, definitely within the first six months, and definitely, definitely in in Olivia, who's three and so this means that they can feel the whole range of human emotions, but they have no control over those emotions, they have no ability to regulate it. So the part that develops last is the outside of our brain, the neocortex, and this part of our brain it develops all the way up until our mid-twenties. Let's say that again, develops all the way up into our mid-twenties. So Olivia has a very underdeveloped neocortex and especially an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, and you've probably heard that term before. It's the part of your brain that's, you know, responsible for your personality and things like that makes you unique. And so Olivia's prefrontal cortex is still very much developing and has not learned the skill of communicating with her limbic system to tell her when there's an issue that is a big issue, versus when there's an issue that's, you know, an innocuous issue, like not getting the snack that you want or the toy that you want. The example that I always use, lauren, is the color cup that you want, right, you have your three-year-old who really wants a glass of milk or water or whatever, and you give it to them in the wrong color cup and they it's like you've, you know, scarred them for life or you've kicked their puppy or something Like they. Just they respond so horribly to this seeming injustice in their mind, and the reason is because their body is constantly scanning for threats. That's what their limbic system, which again is developed on day one, is doing. It's just looking around the world for threats, and anything that invokes any level of emotion can be determined by their limbic system to be a threat.

Jon: 9:11

Now, the same is true for you. It's why, when you see something off in the peripheral of your vision right, you're in a dark room or something, or maybe you're not you see something off. If I saw something like I have a wall that's pretty close to me right here, if I saw something climbing up the wall and it was in my periphery I didn't actually see what it is my body would respond before I even turned to look like I would get a cold sweat. I would have the adrenaline rush right. So our limbic system responds very, very quickly, and that's true for all of us, that even those of us with prefrontal cortex has fully developed. You know we're over the age of, let's say, 25, 22, that our prefrontal cortex is fully developed and because it's fully developed even so, when we see the shadow of something crawling up or when a deer jumps on the road in front of you, your limbic system still reacts. First, it reacts, you know, hey, this is a threat, we need to respond.

Jon: 10:02

The difference is in our prefrontal cortex, especially in what's called the OMPFC, the ocular medial prefrontal cortex, that's between your eyes and in the center. There is this part of our prefrontal cortex that can communicate with our limbic system, so that when I look over and I see that it's not actually a gigantic spider climbing up, it's just, you know, a fly or something. There's a part of my brain that can go hey, john, chill out, it's not a big deal, and that's the part of your brain. That's the part of Olivia's brain that is not developed yet, and so when she doesn't get her preferred snack or toy, she will melt down as if it is a life or death situation, because her brain does not have an ability to tell her that it is not a life or death situation. This is why toddlers can become supremely emotional about absolutely nothing, because the part of their brain that tells them hey, this is not a big deal, is not yet developed yet. And so what do we need to do in this case? Right, how can we share some strategies for handling these hand trumps? And hopefully you now understand the reason behind this behavior.

Jon: 11:07

Right, it's not a moral failing, it's not because they're entitled or they're self-centered, although they are egocentric, but that's the normal part of development and that's a good thing. It is because their brain is just simply not developed enough to calm them down of its own volition. They need help right, in the same way that your kid needs help learning how to read and write, because it would be ridiculous to assume that a 10-year-old I'm sorry, a two-year-old could read and write. You have to wait for that to happen, right? It would be ridiculous to think that a 10-year-old could do complex equations. You know calculus, although I'm sure there is some 10-year-old somewhere who can, because their brains are not yet developed enough to do those types of activities.

Jon: 11:52

It's insane, is true, with a three-year-old who cannot emotionally regulate over not getting their favorite toy or their preferred toy, and so it's literally a developmental thing, right? Like you would not see it as a character flaw in your six-month-old that they couldn't walk. You would say, no, of course they can't walk. Six months old usually can't walk. Well, I see the same things like why can't this three-year-old get over this like not getting their preferred toy? It's like, well, for the same reason that you're six month old can't walk, for the same reason that you're one-year-old, you don't expect to speak in full sentences. For the same reason that you don't expect your three-year-old although I know this is becoming more and more popular to be able to read. Right, because there are things that just take time. Their brains are not fully developed to be able to do those activities right. You don't expect them to be able to solve logic puzzles at five years old and so, understanding this and understanding the reality of just development and and and just child life, you have to give a little bit more grace to kids who are younger, and so how do you actually handle it in the moment? And so, actually not, it's not really complicated. A lot of people want to make it complicated. It's not really complicated.

Jon: 12:59

Number one you may need to deploy what we call a grounding exercise. We're going to talk more about grounding exercises with Michelle and Bella, who's two in a moment. You might need to, you know, deploy a grounding exercise. But number number one even before then, the two steps to this are to meet your kid where they are, in their emotions, so to screw up your face so that it mirrors your kid. So if your kid is crying and their you know, their whole face is scrunched up because they didn't get their toy or their snack, instead of responding with rage or frustration, which is often the, you know, or annoyance, which is often the trigger, we get annoyed and triggered when our kids whine and cry because, by the way, the reason why we get annoyed and triggered is because usually we were shamed for those activities when we were young, and so it's triggering to us to see a kid crying because, hey, you're not supposed to cry, because I wasn't supposed to cry.

Jon: 13:55

A lot of people don't understand why they feel such a visceral rejection of their kid crying or their kid whining. They're like I don't know why this is so bothersome to me. Well, because your parents were bothered and they made you feel like they were bothered. They made you feel like they were disappointed. They made you feel like you were. You should be ashamed of yourself for crying over the color of your cup. So our initial response often is to you know, respond, or is to react rather than respond. But actually, if you can hold that in and instead match their energy, like oh, I'm so sorry that you didn't get your color cup, that you didn't get the yellow cup, my son's obsessed with yellow, so that's why I'm using. He's three, two, he's obsessed with yellow things. Oh, your yellow shirts in the laundry, I'm so sorry. Oh, you didn't get that toy that you really wanted, I'm so sorry.

Jon: 14:40

Once you match their energy, their body will start to respond and see you as a trusted figure. And here's the thing you're not lying to your kid. You are sad. I hope you are sad that they're having a hard time. It's not fun to have a hard time. You don't like it when you're having a hard time. You don't like it when you're triggered and emotional. They don't either. They're not enjoying have throwing a tantrum, right.

Jon: 15:06

This is a huge parenting myth in the 90s. Your kid doesn't want to be dysregulated. They hate that just as much as you are annoyed by it. They hate it probably more than you do. And so meet them or there and say I'm so sorry that you feel this way. And then, once you've met them there, you can actually start to lead them out by using your ability to logic or reason. Now trying to throw logic in their face is not going to work. But you know, saying something like oh, I'm so sorry and I'm just going to use this example because this literally just happened to me this week I'm so sorry that your yellow shirts in the in the washer I know that you really want it. I hate when my favorite clothes are in the washer, or if I were you, I would feel really upset about that. So I'm matching his energy and then I'm going to spin off of that and I'm going to go. Should we set a timer so that we know when the laundry is done, so that we can take out the yellow shirt? So now I'm problem solving, but I am not problem solving before I validate the feeling and I'm not problem solving before I actually match the energy. And this is because if you try and bypass that stage of matching their energy, then they actually reject the solution because what they really want to know is whether they're heard, seen and valued in that moment. Right? Do you, as my adult who can solve this problem for me, understand that I'm upset If you immediately jump to solutions, orientation, which is a lot, is how many of us want to solve problems, right, like, don't wallow in self pity, just solve the problem.

Jon: 16:36

Especially in the Western world, that's kind of how we think. If you immediately jump to solutions, you're actually going to. They're going to double down, they're going to throw a bigger tantrum, they're going to have a bigger meltdown because now they think they're not understanding me, my parents are not understanding me, they don't get it. Because they don't get it, I don't know. I don't think it's. This is a safe person to be around. And so we're going to go into them. We're going to screw up our face. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that this happened to you, even if it's not a big deal. Right, we're going to match their energy. We're not going to bring to them like, oh, this doesn't matter, that's a good way to send them deeper into their pit of spiraling despair. Oh, I'm so sorry. And then, immediately, once we they feel seen in her value, once you start getting them, then you can provide the solution right. And so now I want to go to Michelle, whose child's name is Bella, because I think that she asks a really good question. Next, I was going to ask Michelle's question there, but I think it's a good segue here, so let's go to Michelle. So says Michelle, says hi, this is Michelle. And this is what happens, by the way, if the validating doesn't work. My child's name is Bella and she's two.

Jon: 17:52

Oh, tough, tough, with a two year old throwing a meltdown. Not a lot of communication, not a lot of verbalization skills. Some of the two year olds have almost no verbalization there in speech therapy and that becomes incredibly difficult. I don't know if that's Bella, but I'm just speaking from experience. That's really tough. Bella often has these big tantrums and she cries and screams when things don't go the way she wanted Could be as simple as a different snack or a different toy not being available. We're still getting into that.

Jon: 18:22

Limbic system is driving the ship right. It's taken over. She doesn't have a prefrontal cortex to pull it into check yet. Okay, I'm having a tough time managing these outbursts and I would appreciate some guidance on how to handle these intense interactions and help her express her frustrations more effectively. Okay, so, michelle, everything that I just said to Lauren, this is why it's happening. Your child's not broken. You're not a bad parent. Some kids have bigger meltdowns than other kids, some kids. It takes longer for them to build the emotional skills. But your kids are two and three. Well, not your kids, but between Lauren and you you have a Bella and Olivia who are two and three years old. That Nobody is really developed a prefrontal cortex. We're having these huge meltdowns at seven. Then we can talk about other collaborative approaches to parenting that can start to fill in those skill deficits. But I had two and three. This isn't a skill deficit, this is just developmental.

Jon: 19:18

The key is, if the validation doesn't work, we have to come up with some grounding Exercises that can help our kids to regulate, to be able to hear us, and so I'm gonna give you three different grounding exercises, and the first one is super, super easy. You, it's gonna be, you're gonna help your kid to breathe effectively. Because when we breathe so this is kind of some more neuroscience here but when we breathe effectively, the part of our brain that is that is driving our anxiety, Can be actually calmed down by the type of breathing we do. We stimulate what's called the Vegas nerve, which is a gigantic nerve that runs basically from our brain down, and Because the in breathing in specific ways can, can actually activate this nerve. It's a neurotransmitter, it can activate this nerve and in that process of stimulating that nerve, our Body can communicate to itself hey, it's time to calm down. So this is an example of our brainstem room.

Jon: 20:20

We talked about three levels of the brain, our brainstem actually interacting with our limbic system to calm us down. And so how? Here's how we're gonna breathe. We're gonna breathe slowly into our nose and out through our mouth like we're blowing out a candle. That's the first way that you can breathe. The second way that you can breathe is what I call a big sigh, and a big sigh is when you breathe out all of your air, not like through a candle all at once, but you breathe out longer than you've been breathing in. So this is another way to stimulate your face, right.

Jon: 20:53

So you and, by the way you, many adults do this all the time right, what happens when you're having like a really hard day at work, you go. Why? Because it actually your body knows that that'll help you to Reregulate. It's a, it's a, it's a technique. And so when their brain is in a fight-or-flight response, because they didn't get the color cup they wanted, or they can get this, the snack or toy that they wanted wasn't available, whatever, the yellow shirts in the washer if that's mine what happens is their in-fighter flight.

Jon: 21:25

And breathing in these two ways Actually tells their body we're not in a life-or-threat death situation. You can't communicate to a two-year-old. You're not in a life, death, death situation. They don't understand that. Their body is just reacting as if it is. But there you can convince them to take actions, physical actions, activating their brainstem, to then like, hey look, if you were being chased by a tiger, you couldn't breathe like this, and so, because you're able to breathe like this, this is not a life-or-death situation.

Jon: 21:51

Now, here's the key with these for both again, lauren and Michelle, and anybody else's thing you don't want to tell your kid to breathe because now you're trying to communicate with their verbals Processing and verbal processing in two or three year old is not very developed. So you're saying breathe, breathe, breathe this way, breathe that way. Their language centers are not there to be able to even internalize what you're Saying. In fact, even if they were a 13 year old or a 33 year old, oftentimes, if you're dysregulated enough, language does not work Right. When it's just, you can tell somebody to do something and they can't do it. So instead you're gonna approach a part of their body which is unconscious or subconscious, and so, instead of telling them to breathe, you're just gonna model it, which is so much easier, by the way.

Jon: 22:36

So your kid comes running up to you, they're screaming, they're crying, they're upset about whatever. You just gonna hold their shoulders or hold them in your arms and you're just going to start to do the action yourself. Whatever you want your kid to do, you gotta do it. So if you want and this, by the way goes for all parenting. You want to stop. You want your kid to stop yelling at people. You got to stop yelling at people. You want your kid to be kind to people. You got to stop. You got to be kind to people. You want to be good, to be generous. You got to be generous. Okay, same thing is true. You want kid to breathe like this. You got to breathe like this. So you're going to hold them and you're going to go, or the sigh, and as you do that, what's going to happen is your kid is going to start to match that and mirror it. That is the most effective form of grounding above all others.

Jon: 23:27

I'm going to give you two more examples, really, really quickly. Number two you can sing a song the wrong way. So you can say the wheels on the bus goes swish, swish, swish, wait, what? So now you're actually getting. The singing is not quite the same as verbal processing, because it connects with the limbic system and the neocortex at the same time. Sing music is magical, y'all. It does weird things to our brain. So when you sing a song but you replace the wrong lyrics, you actually can snap their verbal processing back online because they're internalizing the song and they know where the song is going and they're just kind of internalizing it and then you snap the song, you snap the wrong lyric in, right?

Jon: 24:08

I like this book by Sandra Boynton Mubah la la la. Three little pigs say la la la. No, pigs don't say la la la, pigs go oink all day and night. Right, that's that book is all about this phenomenon, right? You, there's an expected result and then you change it. And what that does in the brain is it actually? Basically, when they're melting down their whole neocortex, the part of their brain that makes them a human is like kind of going dark, right, because all of their blood flow and energy is focused on the part that's trying to keep them alive, their limbic system, their fight or flight response. But, on the other hand, when you connect to their like singing, by singing and singing the wrong thing, what eventually happens is that they hear that their verbal processing comes back online and they snap out of it.

Jon: 24:56

The last thing that you can do and this is a really, really easy one is you can just start talking to them, but in a way of again say, kind of saying the wrong thing, but trying to get their executive functions back online. This works better with kids who are like four, five, six, but it can work even with a three year old who's a little bit more advanced verbally, so you can say, I'm touching my ear, I'm touching my nose, or or hey, can you touch my eyelids. Anything that can kind of get them active in moving and interacting with you can be really, really helpful. Another way to do this, by the way, is to say, hey, can we find a bunch of colors around the room? This is another way to get their executive functions back online, again through kids that are older. But you know my three year old's melting down in Home Depot the other day. We just went around and we found all of the colors in the rainbow. We went around and we found something that was purple, we found something that was yellow, we found something that was red. We just walked around and did that and in that process of doing those things, we actually gained a sense of of calm and strategy.

Jon: 25:54

So before we move on to the next question, I just want to hit that really, really hard. Three year olds and two year olds this is developmentally normal. Even four, five, six, seven year olds this is developmentally normal. They're going to gain more control over those emotions as their prefrontal cortex develops. But the key is going to be to understand what's going on, to validate their experience, to match their energy with your face, to match their energy with your tone, to meet them in their emotions and lead them out, not the other way around, not trying to drag them out of their emotions. And if you need to get them out of their emotions, if you need to pull the ripcord, to use some sort of grounding exercise, whether modeling the right breathing techniques for them is really really helpful, or, you know, doing a color wheel or something else like that, even even doing the song, which I think is oftentimes the most helpful. So let's get to the next question.

Jon: 26:38

But actually, before we move on to the next question, I wanted to just jump in really quickly and tell you about another opportunity that you have to connect with the whole parent, another opportunity that you have to gain invaluable information about parenting, and that is the whole parent email list. If you are not on the email list yet, what are you doing? You're totally missing out on all of the amazing content that we put out every single week there on Thursdays. It's a weekly email You'll get links to everything related to whole parents. So when the book comes out, you'll be the first ones to know. You'll probably have some sort of discount code for that, if I can finagle that with the publisher.

Jon: 27:18

It's the place where I talk about things like the membership, I talk about this podcast and I just generally give my thoughts on parenting in long form email once a week. I don't blow up your inbox. I'm not going to spam you with a bunch of sales and stuff like that. That's just not the way that I do it. But it is a really, really amazing way to connect, to learn how you can connect even deeper and to be aware of upcoming things that I might be doing. So if you're not on the whole parent email list yet, I'm going to link that in the show notes right here and you can just go down to the description below and join there. All I need is your first name in your email and you'll get a couple of our greatest hits emails in the first couple of days and then, whenever you're listening to this, if it's you know before I email out today, on Thursday, or if it's you know, next Thursday you will be in the email list so that you can get that amazing content. So join the whole parent email list. You want to be a part of this, you want to get these emails. All the stuff we're talking about here and and in the podcast all goes out there first. So, yeah, go ahead and do that, alright.

Jon: 28:24

So question number three Melissa says my child's name is Emma, age four. Emma is frequently having meltdowns, especially during transitions, when her routine is disrupted. It's especially challenging for both of us. I want to create a more nurturing environment, while addressing her behavioral issues can provide strategies for helping her cope with changes in routine. Okay, so really, really amazing, melissa, here, that you are already aware of Of them, of the cause of the meltdown, and that it's a, that it's a disruption in routine. I cannot speak highly enough about the. You know a lot of us try and address behavioral issues.

Jon: 29:06

The way in which Behavioral issues were addressed for us, and oftentimes that is focusing on the behavior, which is the symptom, and not focusing on the thing that the behavior is communicating, which is the underlying condition. So if we're talking about like medicine right, if a person presents to you and as a doctor, I'm not a doctor, so I don't actually know what I'm talking about here, but this is what I understand as a person who grew up with doctors, as my sister-in-law as a doctor and my whole family's in medicine. I'm the only one who's not, from what I understand of medicine right and working in a hospital myself for a while, when a person presents to you as symptoms, there is always a desire to ease their symptoms and to make them more comfortable, but ultimately the goal is to address the underlying concern that they have and behaviors oftentimes are our symptoms of an underlying issue, right, an underlying communication. So I write about this in my book a lot. But but I think that this is really important that Melissa has identified for Emma here hey, the issue seems to be the disruption in routine, and so, especially with older kids right, emma's only four, but especially Emma was like six, seven and you're having a meltdown over the same thing. We got to find the culprit first, and so we've done that with Melissa. Melissa has figured that out. She's figured out what's going on with Emma and it's routine, and it's not surprising that it's routine. And this is why it's not surprising kids, because of their underdeveloped brains one of the things that our brains are designed to do that the the thing.

Jon: 30:38

One of our best Evolutionary responses that we have as human beings is an ability to predict the future better than other animals. In fact, we are the future thinking animals. We're the ones who make Decisions for the future. Not instinctively right, like other animals may store up nuts for the winter, so they hibernate, but that's, that's an evolutionary, that's not a thought through action, that's just, hey, this is what I do, this is part of my, you know, life. So, even though that's instinctual and other animals, this is part of my coding, my genetic coding. For for Humans, we actually think about the future. We actually think about what's going to happen in the future, and then we make decisions and try and figure out how to Change our actions, to predict the future, to do a better job with this. And so, because this is the reality for all of us, that we're constantly trying to predict the future, we sometimes forget that kids with a underdeveloped brain cannot predict the future very well.

Jon: 31:35

And so how do kids feel comfortable? They feel comfortable based on three things. Number one having their basic needs met, you know, for connection. They're not hungry, they're not tired. All those things. Those things can feel much more threat. Being hungry to a child can feel much more threatening because they don't have a chance of predicting the future. But where my next meal is coming from, they don't have a real concept of time, often even at four years old, where you know an hour can feel like a day or it can feel like a minute, depending on how they're experiencing it.

Jon: 32:02

So that's number one. They have their basic needs met. Number two they have routines, right, and that's what you're identifying here, right. So they can't predict what's going to happen next. But if the routine is such where they don't have to predict it, where it's just going to be the same thing every time or you know Around bedtime or around you know leaving mealtimes, whatever there once the routine is in place then they don't have to predict the future. The routine does the prediction for them.

Jon: 32:26

And the last piece Is boundaries, and we're not going to talk really about that now. But kids who don't have any boundaries Don't feel safe in the world, and because they don't feel safe in the world, they can have frequent meltdowns, Simply about not feeling safe. And so the thing with the routines is the best way to deal with a routine that is going to be changed or that's going to be disrupted is Number one, to accept the reality that when the routine is disrupted You're going to get dysregulated behavior. Just accept it. We just came out of the holidays been talking a lot about this around the holidays. The routines are. They just all go out the window around Holidays.

Jon: 33:01

I think this question actually came in as a kind of a holiday question. The routines all go out the windows around the holidays. Kids get hyped up on sugar and everything else, but really it's the lack of routine that's really struggling. It's a big struggle for kids, whether they're four or seven or ten. The routine goes out the window and then the kids get dysregulated. So just accept that you're going to get dysregulated behavior and it'll change the way that you view it. It'll change the way that you respond to it when you know that this is a normal, natural thing for your kid to do and like, hey, we threw off their routine. It's not that they're ungrateful for Christmas morning, it's that Christmas morning is so out of routine that it's, you know, troubling to them. It's difficult for them. More highly sensitive kids are more sensitive to their routines. Neurodivergent kids are more sensitive to their routines. So you know I'm not saying Emma is any of those things, but if she is, she's going to have an even harder time with the routine.

Jon: 33:47

So, accepting what I call embracing the sock right, it's going to suck. When you get out of routine, it sucks, right. When I get out of routine with my kids for bedtime, sometimes it takes an hour to put them to bed. That sucks, but I have to appreciate that. That's just what it is going to be. That is just life. Sometimes we have to embrace the suck of parenting. It's the most wonderful thing you can do. It's also the hardest thing you can do. And so that's number one, to embrace it.

Jon: 34:14

And then number two and this is really, really important it's to preempt the routine being pulled out by actually talking with your kid about how that routine is going to be changed. This is you can do some future casting, especially with kids who are older. But even Emma at four years old, you can say, hey, look, this routine is going to be changed, I'm going to warn you that it's going to be changed, and then it will not feel as dysregulating when it gets changed. So warning your kids, making a plan for the day, especially when the routine is going to go out the window where you know there's going to be a problem with the routine, warning them about that ahead of time, talking to them about it. Again, you don't have to be super anxious about it. I talk about this a lot with other pieces, but your anxiety that you bring to your kid is going to be mirrored in them. So don't be anxious about it, but just be honest. Hey, look, this is the reality, this is what it's going to be.

Jon: 35:02

And then the last piece here, beyond embracing the suck and preempting the routine, is to process the routine after the fact that it broke down. Hey, it was really hard when we didn't get to do storytime because we were at this holiday party and we didn't get home in time to do storytime. Or it was really hard that we did a different breakfast routine this day because of that. And so doing the pre-work ahead of time, with yourself embracing the suck, doing the pre-work immediately before of warning them about how the routine is going to change, that can mitigate a ton of tantrums and meltdowns, but then, even after the tantrum and meltdown, to talk about it Because ultimately, especially when kids are getting older four, five, six years old the more you can talk about it. It does build those strategies to cope with the changes in routine, and so that's kind of the answer to the end of your question, melissa.

Jon: 35:54

You said can you provide some strategies for helping your cope? Yeah, number one just embrace it on your end. So when the routine goes off the rails, if you're embracing it on your end, you're not going to come down like a hammer on your kid, who's just obviously having a hard time, not giving you a hard time. Number two you can preempt it. Number three you can do the work on the back end so that the next diversion from the routine, the next going off path and all of a sudden it's a challenging and scary thing the next time that happens you're not going to have the same emotional meltdown, but the more time you process it, the more times they're going to learn hey, you know what? This is not the end of the world for me, and so I hope that those things and also, while the meltdown is happening, melissa, everything I said to Michelle and everything that I said to Lauren do while the meltdown is happening, use those grounding techniques, understand the neuroanatomy of why this is happening at four years old, and, hey, this is a temporary thing and at eight years old, hopefully this won't be happening anymore, especially if we do these things and develop the coping strategies.

Jon: 36:57

But I think ultimately, with those three responses to Lauren, michelle and then Melissa I think all of the parents listening to this, especially parents with toddlers, but even parents of young grade schoolers you guys will be way more equipped to handle the meltdowns and the tantrums, whether they're around routines or unmet needs or just neurobiological. It's that phase of life and sometimes a yellow shirt sends them over the edge. I hope this episode has served you well and you feel way more equipped to handle tantrums. Hey, if you loved this episode of the Whole Parent Podcast, if you felt like this episode helped you to parent better, to handle tantrums with more patience, to understand your child better so that you can just approach them with more confidence, please, please, please, share this episode with somebody in your circle, whether that is a parent of a toddler, maybe a parent who is their child hasn't even been born yet, a person who's just thinking about having kids, or even parents of older kids who have tantrums. Right, I know kids who are 15 years old who still have tantrums, who could probably benefit from a lot that I've said in this podcast. So share this with a parent in your life, share it with two parents in your life and on top of that, in addition to that, it's not an and or or it's not an either or it's an.

Jon: 38:14

And go ahead and review this episode on whatever podcast platform you're listening to it on, whether that's Spotify or Apple Podcasts or anywhere else. Go ahead and review it, write a review. Let me know what you think. I read every single review that we get on this podcast. I really I take it very seriously. I want to know did you like it? What would you like to see more of All of that amazing stuff? And also rate it. You know it's super helpful. These podcast platforms rely on the ratings of listeners, and so the more ratings that we can get, the more positive comments and reviews that we can get, the more these platforms will push out this message to a wider audience, and that is how we can change the world. One get at a time, one parent at a time. So review this rate this, share it with someone you know. Thank you so much and I'll see you next week.