Hello everyone! Welcome to the second episode of my podcast, Shy to Dynamic. This episode is directed specifically to those who deal with shyness and who feel social anxiety. Or it could be for someone who has a child or a partner who is very shy or socially anxious. The purpose of this episode is to define shyness and give some strategies or mindset changes in order to combat shyness. So that’s the topic today.
And by the way, this episode is dedicated to the city of Phoenix, where I lived before I moved to my current wonderful city of Charlotte.
So I will start off by saying I feel really blessed and pleased with how well my first episode was received. As you know, being shy is something that should have made my making a podcast impossible. But I did it. And thank you to all those who listened. I had several people say that they learned so many new things about me -- and that was such an important comment to receive from them.
Because fundamentally that’s what shyness is. It’s a fear of revealing your true self or your true personality to the world. If I were to write a definition in the Webster’s dictionary, I would say that was it.
And providing a definition is important. Defining as well as acknowledging a problem is the first step to learning how to solve it.
I will further define shyness by explaining some results or repercussions of being shy.
First, fear of exposing your true self can lead you to avoid social interactions, which can cause you to miss out on fun things or things that enrich your life. Or shyness may limit you from receiving certain opportunities because the people that you would like to impress or influence don’t even know you exist because you keep to yourself. Shyness can lead to many negative feelings obviously. It makes you very nervous. It makes you very uncomfortable. It makes you feel that everyone is looking at you as being a loser because you’re off in a corner by yourself.
2) Shyness can cause you to be very envious of others. This is a major problem I had. When you see someone else who is not shy and seems to be comfortable in social situations, you look at them and wish that you could have the same kind of swagger or confidence. You wish that you could make people laugh, that you could make people be persuaded to your point of view, that you can make people interested in what you have to say the way that non-shy people can. You wish you could always have something on your social calendar the way that non-shy people do. You wish that you could attract people to you the way a non-shy person does. I personally have had all those feelings of envy about other people’s lives. Therefore shyness often leads to envy, which is a horrible feeling.
3) When you’re shy, you have difficulty even initiating conversations. Often when I went to a social event or to da club, I was scared to talk to strangers because I was like “What would I say to them? They don’t know me and I don’t know them.” I actually thought it was preposterous to think that I should have something to say to people I don’t know. Now I don’t think that’s preposterous at all. I should be able to have something to say to anybody I meet. Even if I met Janet Jackson!
4) Shyness can cause you to give up, and just stay home if you don’t feel safe out in the world. Or if you do feel relatively safe in the world, you just do things by yourself. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve just gone out to eat by myself… or gone on mini-vacations by myself. I didn’t have anyone to go with, so I was like well, I’m not gonna miss out on going, so I’m just gonna go by myself! When I lived in Arizona, I often drove over to San Diego. It was about a six hour trip. I would get a hotel. But I gotta admit, I did enjoy those solo trips. I am a total fan of solo trips, actually. Because you get to decide your whole itinerary all by yourself without having to worry about anyone else’s input! So shyness isn’t 100% bad!
But at the same time shyness limits your options. Because you still want the OPTION to go to restaurants or trips with other people. Literally just last week. I decided I wanted to go out to one of my favorite restaurants here in Charlotte. A friend of mine texted me, and while I was texting her, I was like, “Hey I wanna go to this restaurant… you free tonight? You wanna go?” She said yes! Then we proceeded to invite 5 other people. 3 of them said yes, and we had a party of 5! Just that quick. And two nights later, some other friends invited me to dinner and dancing. I went and had a great time!
In cases like that, if I’m feeling like being alone, I can decline, but guess what -- I have options! I don’t have to do everything by myself. I can do things with people now! Life feels better being a social director for your friends instead of a solo trip planner for just yourself.
So… now that I’ve shared a glimpse of the repercussions of being shy… then the question is: How do we solve the problem of being shy so that we have all the social options that we want? How do we eliminate those shyness characteristics that I mentioned above? How do we create a life where we have the confidence we want? How do we create a life where we have the friends and connections we want?
I’m going to help you with that now.
I will frame my advice in terms of dealing with what shy people are afraid of. Yeah, shyness is a fear of revealing or showing yourself to the world. But in what specific ways are you afraid to show yourself to the world. What specifically are you afraid of? I will discuss several fears that shy people have and how to begin to solve them. I say “begin to solve them” because each of these will take time and practice.
So these are some fears that many shy people have swimming around in their heads. Maybe you have these fears.
First, (1) are you afraid that you won’t speak eloquently enough? That you won’t sound smart. That your nouns and verbs won’t agree? Are you afraid that you won’t find just the right word for what you’re trying to say? First of all, if you’re going to an environment where perfect speech matters and that you can’t live up to that standard, then you should probably find a better environment. You need to find a friendly environment that is well suited to you and your needs, that is, if you have that option.
Honestly, the truth is that it’s the energy of your words that matters the most. It’s the sentiment that counts. People that are worthy of your time will care about what’s coming from your soul, not the correctness of the words coming from your mouth.
So last week, I survived my first episode. I did make some stumbles. There was one time I said physical when I meant to say metaphysical. I left out that Prince was one of my favorite artists. That’s crazy that I left him out! Now, I could have assiduously edited and re-recorded out those mistakes. Now don’t get me wrong, I did edit out a lot, because I didn’t want it to sound like a hot mess. But there were some cases that I didn’t edit out mistakes.
Even more drastically, I could have kept re-recording it until I decided that I wasn’t going to release it at all. But instead I wanted to give myself the permission to not be perfect. Some people can get up in front of a crowd and speak off the cuff and everything comes out perfect. But I don’t need to be that strict or hard on myself. it’s ok to present myself to the world as in imperfect human being, someone who doesn’t say everything flawlessly… and guess what -- I’m still worthy to be listened to… and so are you.
It is the sentiment of what you have to say that is the most important. It is the positive energy that you give out that is the most important. It is the wisdom contained in your words that is conveyed.
Look at the example of John Lewis, the venerable civil rights leader and Congressman. He suffered a speech impediment after being intentionally clubbed in the skull by a policeman at Bloody Sunday, but I’ll be darned if people didn’t hang on to his every word when he spoke!... including me!
When you go out into the world, you don’t need to be hard on yourself as far as what you say or how you say it. You don’t need to hold yourself back and be shy just because every word that you say isn’t perfect.
And another key point. When you are forgiving to yourself, others are more forgiving to you. Because when we treat ourselves better, others will treat us better as well. So when you allow yourself to stumble and not say everything perfectly, others will allow you to do the same.
2) Are you scared that what you say won’t add value to the conversation? Maybe you withhold your comments because you think someone else has something more important to say. Well no matter who you are, your own individual voice is just as important as anyone else’s. Someone else may have something more important to say, but so what? And that’s a gamechanger. So what if someone else has something that you think sounds more important. That doesn't determine the worthiness of whether you should say what you have to say or not.
A fear related to adding value is that I’ll say something and other people will speak over me and not even acknowledge what I just said. Well, it’s true… there are situations where the people around you may pretend like they didn’t hear you speak at all. I’ve experienced that plenty of times. But it’s not the end of the world if that happens. Oftentimes, we feel that we get value from someone else acknowledging what we’ve said. But over time, you must work on self-validation. Give your own self credit for speaking up. You don’t really need the validation of others. Again, this isn’t an easy or instantaneous change. It does take practice and time to shift your thinking.
Look at it as a game… The person who says something first earns the most points. How you say it has no point value at all! So go ahead — speak your mind! Cash those points with yourself and reward yourself afterwards for your assertiveness! Take yourself out to dinner and spend an extra $10 on an appetizer. You have to reward yourself for the progress that you make. It’s no one else’s job to do that. Unless I’m your coach of course, then I can praise you for your progress.
3) Are you fearful of saying something that is offensive? Well, I had a friend who was loud and raunchy and offended people all the time when he was at a meetup. He was just super brash and loud, but he was funny! He was kinda like a shock jock. Like a modern black version of Howard Stern… although totally different. But he didn’t mind offending anyone and then he would justify everything he said with complete confidence. He was the human embodiment of that phrase “I said what I said.”
So I’m not suggesting that you go around calling women ugly or make racist jokes or flirt with people relentlessly. There are limits. But don’t worry about going a little too far sometimes, especially if it’s accidental or unintended.
This is another case of not being too hard on yourself. You don’t have to watch every little thing that you say. It seems that the more you cut yourself some slack for being slightly offensive, the less often you feel that you feel that you’re being offensive. That’s more Universe magic.
4) Are you afraid of not being clever or witty enough? Again, it’s not a requirement to be clever or witty. It’s not a competition, or at least it shouldn’t be a competition. The funniest person doesn’t take home an award. Remember what I said earlier… you’re giving yourself an award because you spoke up in the first place. It’s not based on how clever or witty you are.
The more you cut yourself some slack about being clever or funny, the more your natural cleverness and funniness and wit will come out, and the more people will notice your cleverness and funniness. I have a friend who is super bold and funny all the time, as well as very accomplished in life. Yet he comments about how funny I am… like literally all the time, and this was even before I overcame my shyness. And that means a lot coming from someone as dynamic as he is. Others can sometimes see something in you that you can’t see in yourself. Oftentimes you are more clever and witty and funny and entertaining than you think you are.
Just last week another friend of mine said that she loves my dry humor. And she says she cracks up at my subtle facial expressions. I didn’t even know this about myself. So if you just simply reveal your true personality to the world, guess what – someone will really appreciate it. No one can do you as well as you can. So just be you and show yourself to the world, and the right people who can appreciate you will be drawn to you. Just be yourself, and maybe after several more interactions, your more clever, witty, funny side will reveal itself. Or maybe you’re wittier than you think you are. Either way, in the end, you’ll be glad that you didn’t let it deter you from speaking.
5) Are you afraid of not fitting in? Are you afraid of being judged? Honestly, people aren’t focused on you as much as you think you are. If you feel that people have judged you as totally lame and undesirable to talk to, they won’t think about you at all after you’ve left. So have some comfort in the fact that there is a 99% chance that they will never mention you again or think of you again. Now does it bother you that they won’t think of you again? Well it shouldn’t. Because you should only care and think about people who care and think about you.
6) Next, as a shy person, are you feeling intimidated by people? This could happen not just in a social setting, but also in a work environment. I remember this great story that my mother told me about when she was a teacher. She said that many of the other teachers were running around terrified when they knew the principal was coming around to observe or whatever. She said she wondered what was their problem? She said she had no reason to feel afraid. He was just a regular person just like she was. And she knew she was doing her job well, so why should she feel frantic and intimidated? Now this isn’t a story per se about a social setting, but I thought it was a great story because that is sooo my mother. But the point is we are all equal deep down inside. No matter if you think the other person is more powerful or even if you think someone you’re talking to is super attractive.
7) Are you fearful of even just looking like you’re fearful or timid in a crowd of people? I’m sure we’ve all heard that famous quote: All you have to fear is fear itself. So true. Most shy people feel bad about being perceived as shy. But my advice would be, when you’re at a social event and you feel fearful, then as they say, fake it till you make it. Smile… look pleasant, look like you’re happy to be in the room or in the conversation. If you’re feeling a little nervous, grab a drink, or a plate of food to occupy your hands. If all else fails, get up, go to the restroom, regroup yourself, and get back in there. You have a right to be there, and to speak your voice. Stay in the event as long as you can survive the discomfort. You have to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. If you want to make more friends or meet influential people, you have to be able to feel comfortable with all of the failed attempts. You have to feel proud of yourself that you tried. And trying will eventually lead to success!
You have the right to speak up just by the fact that you are a human being taking up space on this earth who has a mind that is capable of crafting a thought. That’s literally all that matters. That alone gives you the right to speak up and assert yourself. You don’t need confirmation from other people of your right to speak up.
But don’t worry, you’ll eventually get acknowledged. And if you don’t, then it might not be the group of people for you to be around. So try another crowd. Keep trying until you find your tribe! It will happen! Someone will always eventually value the unique way that you present yourself and your thoughts to the world. You will find someone that connects with you and that you connect with.
Also, remember no one promised you that everything must be easy from the moment you decide to make a change or improve your life. That’s not the way life works. You have to keep fighting your fears… day after day… month after month. You will look back and say…
“Working on my shyness was so worth it because look at me now! Now you can’t shut me up!”
Which is kind of where I’m at in life. Now you can’t shut me up! I mean I’m here just rambling away on a podcast!
But nevertheless, I still like to be quiet sometimes. I will always be an introvert inside, and you probably will be too. But I definitely I speak up around strangers much more than I used to. And I’m more comfortable having a conversation in a group of new people than I ever was before. Because I attempted over and over again to talk to more people. It takes practice and practice and more practice.
You don’t have to do it all at once. You don’t have to wake up one day and declare that you’re miraculously over the fear. — Mainly because that won’t work. You have to spend time with it and be patient and kind to yourself.
The goal is not even to have a certain number of friends. Believe it or not, the goal is to feel and to know that you are truly presenting your authentic self. And then the confidence will come. And then the friends will come.
So these are my thoughts on what shyness is and ways to reframe your mindset so that you can begin to overcome your social anxiety.
So now we have reached the conclusion of my second episode. As I said, this episode is dedicated to my former beautiful desert city of Phoenix. It will always hold a very special place in my heart. Hopefully one day, I will have a second winter home there. It is the place that I left behind some painful times in my life. But it is still one of my favorite places in America without a doubt. Phoenix is one of those rare cities that has mountains right within the city limits. The suburb of Tempe where I actually lived had a mountain right in the middle of downtown! And I hiked those mountain trails plenty of times. So, it was pretty cool!
So that’s what I’ve got for you today. If you have enjoyed this episode, and got something valuable or helpful out of this episode, then please give me five stars and write a review. I look forward to any feedback you may have about this podcast and this movement I’m creating.
If you like, please contact me at one of the contact options listed in my podcast description such as Instagram or Facebook or Threads, or visit my website! Even if it’s just to ask me questions or to ask my opinion about something.
So I talked about shyness this week… Guess what I’m talking about next week…
As always, remember to show up and DELIVER for yourself today and create a NEW dynamic version of yourself.
Thanks so much.
Episode 2, the Phoenix episode is now done!