Hello Listeners! Welcome to Episode 5 of the Shy to Dynamic podcast!
I hope everyone has had a great week. I hope that everyone is really thinking non-stop about last week’s episode about reframing past events or decisions in your life. And that you’re willing to create a more positive narrative in your mind about many things. Today I’m looking to continue that reframing theme in a way.
So this week, I’m gonna be really vulnerable and reveal to the world what a horrible person I am, or at least how horrible I used to be.
I confess that I have envied others so much in the past, including good friends of mine. And I was a total jerk about it. And I really regret that, and I apologize right here to any friends I have been a jerk to.
I have envied people about various things. I have envied other people’s wealth. I have envied my friends when they always seem to be on vacation… and the fact that they had enough money to go on so many vacations. And most often, I envied other people’s romantic relationships… I’ve envied other people’s ability to get dates and find a relationship so fast, while I sat around and could find no one. I have envied other people’s social skills at being the life of the party, and their ability to make so many friends and to have such a great social life.
I’m sure that many of us have been envious of other people in our lives, and many are aware of the various ways that envy shows up in how we react to people.
Often we express our envious feelings as feelings of annoyance… or judgement of other people… or false pity of other people.
In my own life, being annoyed meant that when I saw someone on yet another vacation trip, I would just roll my eyes and suck my teeth as I scrolled and looked at every one of the pictures they posted. Or I would take the opposite tack and I would immediately scroll past their post entirely. But either way, I definitely would not “like” their post because I definitely didn’t want them to think I approved of their seemingly extravagant lifestyle… as if it mattered to them either way whether I approved or not. I was just so annoyed that I just couldn’t stand it. I wondered where were they getting all this money that they could afford all these trips? Did their job really pay them that well? Did they receive some type of inheritance? I felt that even though I had a great job, I knew that I couldn’t afford all that… How could they? Deep down, I knew what the real reason was. I knew that 1) I didn’t know how to manage my money very well and I was mad that they did know how to, and 2) Most often these traveling friends were often in relationships, so they had the double income thing going on, and I was envious that they had that financial advantage and plus they had their own personal romantic companion to take all these trips with!
Other times, I would judge people and pity them. I had friends or acquaintances who would meet someone and they were in an instant relationship within a few days or a couple of weeks. I was like how was that possible? I thought to myself they must be pretty desperate for a relationship to just meet someone and immediately be joined at the hip. Good thing I wasn’t that desperate, right? I thought it was such a shame that they didn’t even take time to get to know each other first. And then I truly believed that there was no way that their relationship could possibly work out… It started fast, so it would fizzle out fast. Or at least that’s what I hoped! I felt pity for them in advance. A false pity of course. And then fast forward a couple of years later, and the couple was still together. Which was all the more reason for me to continue to envy them! Why was it that no one ever met me and fell in love with me instantly? Well, technically, that’s not even true. There were plenty who wanted to date me instantly, but I did not want to date them for various reasons. But as for my friends, it seemed that they met and they were perfectly matched from day one and they were inseparable.
So if a close friend of mine got in a relationship, I would distance myself from them just because it annoyed me so much to be around them, and potentially their loving partner. I would justify it by saying, “Well now they don’t have time for me anyway, so I’ll just stop communicating with them as much, or hanging with them as much because they’ve got this new perfect person in their life anyway, right?” Man, I was such a jerk, just despicable.
So I damaged several friendships that way. And my bad envious attitude brought bad karma to me and I remained single.
Sometimes I would judge people I didn’t actually know, and I would make assumptions about them so that their luck or blessings would make sense in my own mind. I would see couples on Facebook who in my opinion were severely mismatched. I thought to myself that the unattractive person in the relationship must really have money to be able to attract the hot one. I figured there had to be some logical explanation for it. And of course I never found out the reason they were together because hot people don’t typically explain why they date unhot people on Facebook or anywhere else. And the less attractive person doesn’t typically lay out their strategy of how they attracted that hot person. So I would block the person on Facebook because I judged their relationship as ridiculous and unacceptable to me. Of course this was only because I was incredibly envious and I wanted to date a ridiculously hot person myself!
Judging people like that makes you feel better about yourself and takes a little bit of the edge off of what you feel you’re lacking… or at least it seems to. Pity is a punishment you inflict upon them for having the audacity to have something that you want.
Some of you out there might be envious of people too. You might say “Oh man, that jerk gets on my nerves. He’s always buying new clothes or some new gadget.” When in reality, you wish you were able to buy more shoes or furniture or whatever it is you are not able to afford.
One of you out there might say “She has all that money, but it’s a shame that she spends so much time at work instead of with her family”. When truthfully, you wish you had the work ethic, or whatever other quality exists that would allow you to be as financially secure as she is.
But holding on to your envy only leads you to continue to stay in your current state of envy and bitterness. If you focus repeatedly on these negative emotions, then that’s what you will continue to see and think and feel and receive from the Universe. You will only attract more despair.
Therefore in order to improve your life, you must change your focus. You should flip the script and not despise them for what they have, but instead get inspiration from them so that you can get your own version of what they have!
In other words… You need to admire them, not envy them!
This is the shift I decided to make in my own life. All of a sudden, one day, I decided to change my mindset. This was because I could no longer tolerate my own negative feelings any longer. Envy simply just does not feel good. And I firmly decided that I was going to end it all. The negativity I mean. I had to make a change in order to make myself feel better.
I decided that I would literally admire these people that I was once so envious of previously. Another colloquial way of saying this: Don’t hate, congratulate.
If I saw someone go on vacation a lot, I decided to look at that as my goal. I knew I needed to figure out how to get control of my own financial life so that I could go on vacation… not necessarily as much as they do, but often enough for my own liking.
I decided that if I saw my friends and peers get into relationships, then they would become my role models, not my enemies. I decided to observe their interactions. I asked to find out how they got together, so I figure out where I needed to go, or what I needed to do or say to attract someone. What positive qualities could I emulate in order to attract someone? One of the first things I could do was to change my envious behavior and stop hating on other people’s relationships. That alone would make me more attractive to others.
If someone was in a mismatched relationship, I might say to myself that the less attractive person must be a fabulous and loving and dynamic person to be able to make that hot person love them. Maybe I could develop some super dynamic personality traits of my own. I decided to save some of the photos of these mismatched couples and use them as inspiration and encouragement that I will have that one day. Not necessarily that I needed to find someone much hotter than me, but at a minimum someone that I’ve very attracted to.
If I saw someone was kind of a social butterfly, I decided to figure out how to be more social in my own way. Which led to me finding a bunch of meetup groups here in Charlotte and eventually meeting a bunch of friends and people to hang out with. Once you stop using all your mind’s energy on envy and jealousy, you can start using your mind’s power to figure out a way to find some success of your own.
There are a few life principles that you must remember when it comes to envy.
First of all: What you want for yourself, you must want for others. I began to be resentful of other people’s relationships. I would root for the demise of their relationship. But how could I want other couples to fail, but then want all my potential relationships to succeed. If I wanted to find a great relationship, I could not begrudge others who have found a relationship. A dynamic person definitely doesn’t begrudge the happiness of their friends!
In your own life, if you feel this way, you should admire others for their successful relationship, and you don’t get to judge how they entered that relationship or how quickly they entered it. Or even the parameters of their relationship. If they have an open relationship, be happy for them. If you are straight and for some reason, heaven forbid, you don’t approve of gay relationships, you can’t wish them ill will. Because if you want a happy relationship, you can’t continue to wish an unhappy relationship or a lack of relationship on others. You don’t get to judge them. You will find that all your negativity is reflected back on you and prevents you from finding your own happiness.
Bertrand Russell, a British philosopher, said that envy was one of the most potent causes of unhappiness, bringing sorrow to the person who commits envy.
So keep that in mind when feelings of envy build up inside you. I certainly found that to be true in my own life when I was envious.
The second principle is this: Often you can envy people without even knowing what you envy about them. It’s a kind of like an indirect envy.
For instance, you may think that people only envy people who are in great physical shape and have perfect bodies, but you can envy someone who is overweight too! You may pretend to pity someone who is large, but deep down you envy their ability to be confident no matter what size they are. — You pity them and judge them, but really you envy them because you have things about yourself that you’re ashamed of and you wish you could get past your own issues. Or you feel that you’ve worked so hard on your own body, that it doesn’t seem fair that they get to be comfortable in their own skin just the way they are.
Or another example, your brother may be a womanizer, and you don’t want to be anything like him because you actually respect women, but deep down you may wish you could have the sex appeal and confidence that your brother has, so that you can date and marry the type of woman that you really desire. You may call your brother a man-whore, but your judgement is masking your desire to be more outgoing socially or maybe even more successful at dating or in your career or whatever you desire.
The third principle to keep in mind is… Sometimes you have to ask yourself: Do you really want what they have? If not, then why be envious of them? In my case, I had to ask did I really want to get into a relationship really fast? Probably not. I mean it would be flattering to have a mutual attraction so fast, but does that really work for me? I wouldn’t judge others in any way if that works for them, and it often does, but I’m not even sure it works for me. I’m someone who’s a little more cautious and skeptical and need a lot more time to figure the person out and decide if I want to them in my life. I guess I have commitment issues. So why should I be envious of people who get together quickly?
Do I really want to date someone who is far outside my league? Probably not… I’d have way too much insecurity about holding on to them. I’ve built a lot of confidence in the last few years, but maybe not enough confidence to day someone who’s super hot. So why should I be envious of physically mismatched relationships?
Do I really want to go on tons of vacations? Probably not… because I hate to fly. So why should I be envious of people who go on vacations all the time?
Do I really want to make a lot of money? Well, yes I do actually. But do I want to be a high-powered executive or CEO in order to get that money? Maybe not. Do I really want that much responsibility? So why should I be jealous of extravagantly wealthy people?
I read a great quote about envy in an article on Medium.com. The author’s name was Pat Villaceran, if I’m pronouncing that correctly. The quote goes:
What Envy does is, it reverts our eyes from our own gifts. It tells us that the only way to happiness is to crush someone else’s and get it for your own. But, what Envy does not tell us is: Even if we get to have, or better yet, possess someone else’s GIFT, then it would not be a blessing for us. - https://medium.com/innovation-philo/quick-tales-jealousy-envy-kills-you-6d96b0f32e7f
So when you envy something you don’t even really want, you have to figure out what it is that you do want, and go at lightning-speed towards figuring out how to get it.
Admire people who have achieved a lot and then pick and select what attributes you can acquire so that you can get to where YOU actually want to be.
Changing your focus from envy to admiration yields amazing results. What you put out into the Universe, you get back. If you focus on positive feelings… such as admiration… The Universe will show you the path towards even more positive feelings and those positive feelings will lead to more positive outcomes in your life in many ways.
Now I said at the beginning, kind of tongue-in-cheek, that I was gonna reveal what a horrible person I was. Well, I want to acknowledge now what an amazingly wonderful person I have become because I chose to change the dynamics of my life. I decided to change my envious reactions when I saw someone else obtain the awesome things that I felt that I was lacking in life. And I truly feel so much more at peace than I ever did before. Often you have a choice to have a better attitude – even when you think you don’t.
So that’s my topic for today. I have dedicated this episode to the city of New York! Now I’ve gotten to the phase where I’m just simply dedicating my episodes to the largest cities in America. So I may not have a personal relationship with every city going forward. And I may not be able to connect every city to the current topic of my podcast. But in my weak attempt to do so today, I can say that New York is an awesome and unique, and of course a dynamic place! Many other cities envy the energy, culture, excitement, and dynamism of New York, but they definitely don’t envy the traffic and the attitude!
And that concludes the New York episode. So If you have enjoyed this episode, and if you’ve gotten something valuable or useful out of this episode, then please give me five stars and write a review. Also please pass this podcast along to your friends or family or anyone you know that could benefit from it as well!
If you like, please contact me at one of the contact options listed in my podcast description such as Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, or Threads… or visit my awesome website! Even if it’s just to say hi or to thank me!
As always, remember to show up and DELIVER for yourself today and create a NEW dynamic version of yourself.
Thanks so much for listening.
Episode 5, the New York episode, is now done!
Unrecorded quote:
According to St. Thomas Aquinas, the struggle aroused by envy has three stages: during the first stage, the envious person attempts to lower another's reputation; in the middle stage, the envious person receives either "joy at another's misfortune" (if he succeeds in defaming the other person) or "grief at another's prosperity" (if he fails); and the third stage is hatred because "sorrow causes hatred".