Ep 6: You Don't Have to Be Perfect / Imperfect Los Angeles

Today I’m going to confront the disease of perfectionism. 

I really had to invest time in training myself to take my mind off of the things I did imperfectly and focus instead on what I accomplished.

At the same time, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t keep striving to get better at everything that you do. 

Oftentimes, I chalk it up to the Universe… if I was meant to do something correctly, I would have. And furthermore, if I’m meant to get the opportunity, then I will get it in spite of any snafu.

But the point is you don’t have to be perfect all the time. And you shouldn’t beat yourself up if you don’t get it right. 

If you’re imperfect and you fail, then fail your way to success. Whatever you learn from that failure is what makes you learn what not to do in the future. Imperfect results are a tool to learn from and grow. 

In your career, in situations when you don’t get all the technical aspects correct, that’s when you let your personality shine. 

In other words, your favorable personality skills will help to fill in the gaps of what you don’t get exactly right, or perfect. 

Perfectionism can get in people’s way regarding their career on a grand scale too. 

Perfectionism is super influential in social situations as well. Shy people are really victims of it. 

Now I accept that all my social interactions don’t have to be perfect. It’s ok to present yourself to the world in social interactions as an imperfect human being.

When you are forgiving to yourself, others are more forgiving to you.

Sometimes perfectionism messes with your head when it comes to physical attributes and physical attractiveness as well. 

When you are caught up in perfectionism, you think everyone else is too. And thus you hold yourself up to an even higher standard unnecessarily. You must learn to love yourself unconditionally.

Realizing and accepting that you don’t have to or need to be perfect is one of the most important principles you can learn in life. 

Lots of times, it is about the choices you make, and what you choose to believe about yourself. It is your choice on how you perceive yourself. 

And the best donuts I’ve ever had are at Hero Doughnuts in Charleston, SC! 

Transcript

Hello my Listeners! Welcome to Episode 6 of the Shy to Dynamic podcast!

I hope everyone is doing really well out there. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode. I really appreciate all of you for your interest in this podcast. 

It seems like it’s been forever since the last episode… That’s probably because last weekend, I took a little mini-vacation to one of my favorite cities to visit – Charleston, SC. But this episode is not dedicated to Charleston. This episode is called the Imperfect Los Angeles episode, and you will see why as I continue to speak. And this will really be imperfect because my voice is a little scratchy today. I may be developing a little cold, and I’m drinking a little tea now.  

Today I’m going to confront another issue that I have wrestled with over the years and that issue is the disease of perfectionism. 

I used to think that most things that I did needed to be perfect. Although I’m not sure I would have consciously stated it that way at the time. Now some friends who know me might say “Whaaaaaat?... You try to be perfect in everything you do? I can’t even see it. You’re far from perfect.” First I would probably cuss them out for coming at me like that… And second, I would explain that perfectionism means that you are very critical of your own actions and accomplishments and that when you do something, you focus on what you did wrong much more so than what you did right. Or you put a lot more weight on where you failed, or the mistakes you made, than what you did correctly. 

For instance, if I threw a dinner party, my mind would dwell on the one or two food items that didn’t come out quite as well as I hoped, or if anyone had had trouble finding the place, that would bother me, or if I had forgotten to put out the decorative towels that I’d specifically bought for the party, that would weigh on me. I would think less about the delicious food and the fun social interactions, which is what’s it’s really all about, and about how touching it was that the people who cared about me came to attend my little get-together.

Part I

Another example… If I did an interview, I would spend a lot of my time thinking “Man, I was an idiot to mess up the answer to that question.” But I spent little time praising myself for the five or six other questions that I answered very well or at least adequately. 

Right now when I interview, I think much differently. And I really had to invest time in training myself to take my mind off of the things I did imperfectly and focus instead on what I accomplished.

At the same time, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t keep striving to get better at everything that you do. Don’t just say “Oops, I didn’t do very well, oh well… screw them, they’ll get over it!” It’s still important that you do a post-mortem and acknowledge what was less than good. Not necessarily what was less than perfect… but what was less than good. At that point, ruminate about it, and take active steps to avoid repeating errors in the future if you can.

After an interview, I will definitely think about the question that I flubbed and try to come up with a tighter, more correct answer to that question and write it down, and then practice it, and remember it. Then I let it go and move on. I may also acknowledge that I could have prepared for that question better, but I also accept that and I move on. 

Oftentimes, I chalk it up to the Universe… if I was meant to answer that question correctly, I would have. I can think of plenty of situations when I answered a question very well, and I thought to myself…. “Where did I even get that answer from?! It seemed to come out of nowhere!” It’s like God or the Universe just downloaded it into my brain upon demand. And that’s because I was meant to answer that question well in that moment. The divine knowledge was imparted to me. But of course I can’t count on that to happen. The Universe is not always gonna bail me out. I still need to prepare. But if I flub the question, then I was meant to mess it up. And furthermore, if I’m meant to get the opportunity, then I will get it in spite of my little snafu.

But the point is you don’t have to be perfect all the time. And you shouldn’t beat yourself up if you don’t get it right. 

If you’re imperfect and you fail, then fail your way to success. Whatever you learn from that failure is what makes you learn what not to do in the future. A podcaster/entrepreneur that I listen to… His name is Chris Harder and he sends out daily inspirational quotes… He said the following. 

Failure is just an opportunity to learn. Fear of failure holds you back more than pretty much anything else. Failing is ok as long as you fail forward. – Chris Harder – 12/11/23

If you put it another way, imperfect results are a tool to learn from and grow. 

Here’s something you can do. Make a list of the things you did well and compare them to the list of things you did wrong. You’ll find that the list of right things should be much longer than the list of wrong things, if you really think about it and create an accurate assessment. Therefore, you should proportionately recall and focus on the right things more than the wrong things,… don’t you think?

Here’s another tip. In your career, in situations when you don’t get all the technical aspects correct, that’s when you let your personality shine. Of course you have to learn to build your confidence that allows you to be capable and comfortable to reveal your personality to people. People will be more forgiving of your mistakes when you have an engaging positive personality or spirit about you.  

The shyness expert, Dr. Aziz Gazipura, whom I mentioned in a previous episode says that “Being a charismatic powerful leader [or some other type of professional] is way more than just knowing what technical decisions to make. It also contains a huge social component of being able to speak to people [and] influence them…” 

So from his statement, it shows that having an engaging dynamic personality that makes people believe in you and trust in you is just as important as the technical aspects of your role. In other words, your favorable personality skills will help to fill in the gaps of what you don’t get exactly right, or perfect. 

Perfectionism can get in people’s way regarding their career on a grand scale too. 

There was a report sponsored by the Hewlett Packard corporation which stated that men apply for jobs when they only meet 60% of the qualifications, while women won’t apply until they meet 100% of the qualifications. Isn’t that interesting? So in general, women have developed a detrimental perfectionism complex when it comes to aspiring for higher-level job positions. Something in the American culture has led to this outcome. This leads women to miss out on opportunities because they feel that they don’t perfectly meet all the job requirements. This is such a shame because many career mentors will state that “You don’t need to meet 100% of the listed qualifications to be seriously considered for a job.”

Perfectionism is such a bad thing to hold on to. It just becomes a never-ending raising of the bar that you just can’t continue to achieve.

Part II

Perfectionism is super important in social situations as well. Shy people are really victims of it. I used to be really scared to speak in social situations because I felt that I might slip and say something that everyone would judge me negatively for… whether it be something inaccurate or something embarrassing, or something not clever enough or not witty enough or not funny enough. 

Now I accept that all my social interactions don’t have to be perfect. I can of course strive to be friendly and outgoing and witty and clever and articulate. But if I don’t, then oh well, I did my best. I may think temporarily about how I could have said something better, but I don’t dwell on it. I purposefully redirect my thinking to all my interactions that went well. When I go to an event, I think about all the new people I met who were genuinely interested in talking to me and laughed at my clever banter.

I remember one specific social interaction I had last year with a young lady. Unfortunately, she said that I said something that offended her. To this day, I still don’t understand what she took offense to. Now I could still be wracking my brain trying to figure out why she misinterpreted what I said. But instead I handled it at the time. I tried to figure out what she took offense to. I tried to explain what I meant. She did not accept my explanation, so I accepted that I had tried my best, and I moved on. I do not need to be friends with any one particular person. I do not need to only have perfect conversations. I also had had multiple other positive interactions that evening, so I focused on all the successful conversations that night and I built my social confidence from those positive interactions.

Per the journal Psychology Today, “What makes extreme perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, resulting in a negative orientation. They don’t believe in unconditional love, expecting others’ affection and approval to be dependent on a flawless performance. When taken too far, the striving for perfection can lead to negative outcomes, like procrastination, a tendency to avoid challenges, and rigid all-or-nothing thinking.... Maladaptive perfectionism is often driven by fear of failure, feelings of unworthiness, [and] low self-esteem…”

That being said, it’s ok to present yourself to the world in social interactions as an imperfect human being, someone who doesn’t say everything flawlessly… and guess what – you’re still worthy to be listened to and appreciated for what you say.

It is the sentiment of what you say that is the most important. It is the positive energy that you give out that is the most important. It is the wisdom contained in your words that is important. 

When you go out into the world, you don’t need to be hard on yourself as far as what you say or how you say it. You don’t need to hold yourself back and be shy just because every word that you say isn’t perfect. 

And another key point. When you are forgiving to yourself, others are more forgiving to you. Because when we treat ourselves better, others will treat us better as well. So when you allow yourself to stumble and not say everything perfectly, others will allow you to do the same. 

Part III

Sometimes perfectionism messes with your head when it comes to physical attributes and physical attractiveness as well. 

When you are getting older and aging as I am – I turned 49 a few months ago –  you begin to realize that you can only look so perfect. As I look in the mirror now, I see more lines and discoloration and dark areas under my eyes. Perfection is out the window. When you get older, it’s time to focus on improving and perfecting who you are as a person… who you are to your family and to your friends. But hopefully you’ve already been doing that. 

Recently, I thought about getting a personal trainer. I had a great personal trainer in Phoenix, so I thought it was time to get one here in Charlotte. But I changed my mind. I decided it’s time for me to grow up and to focus on my financial health… and my financial attractiveness, if you will. I need to get my financial house in order, and that is more important than trying to get perfect biceps or pectorals or quads or whatever. 

I have felt very often that I have to work on my body to make up for getting old… so that I can appear to be more physically attractive to others. But I decided instead that I’m gonna force myself to date people who will love and appreciate me for who I am, for how remarkable and dynamic I am and am becoming. And I will force myself to love them for who they are instead of dwelling on physical attributes.

When you are caught up in perfectionism, you think everyone else is too. And thus you hold yourself up to an even higher standard unnecessarily. You must learn to love yourself unconditionally, so that others will. It’s all a cycle that starts with loving yourself and the imperfections that come with you being you.

Now maybe one day I will sign up for that trainer, but that will happen after I have built up enough savings, made some nice investments, and improved my financial health. And then I will have the wherewithal to focus on the more superficial stuff. And not necessarily for the purpose of attracting someone, but to feel that sense of accomplishment. But the accomplishments that you seek must be placed in the right order or the right priority.

In the end, you don’t have to be the best-looking most perfect person, or have the sexiest body, or be the most successful person, or the most witty conversationalist. You just have to be the best you can be. And that is good enough. Perfection in most cases should not be your standard.

Realizing and accepting that you don’t have to or need to be perfect is one of the most important principles you can learn in life. Unless of course you’re a lawyer, a surgeon, or a soldier in combat, which are jobs that may require perfection. (And if you are doing one of those jobs for a living, then I just have to pray for you.)

There was an incident recently where one of my best friends was surprised that I posted a picture of me that was less flattering. He said I was usually more careful about that type of thing. But this time I was literally ambivalent about posting that pic. I didn’t care. I decided that that’s what I look like, so oh well… I don’t need to present myself as physically perfect all the time.

In fact, I vet the pictures I post much less than I used to. I still don’t post the very worst pictures, but pictures that I think look very average, I will still post them. Because it’s the message I’m trying to convey, not the perfect lighting or perfect angle of my face or body. The other day I posted a pic of my eating the best donut I’ve ever had. Which by the way is Hero Doughnuts in Charleston, SC. I thought I looked a little goofy in the picture, but I posted it anyway because I just wanted to look real and because I wanted to express how much I loved that store’s donuts! So keep in mind Hero’s Doughnuts next time you visit Charleston, SC!

Lots of times, it is about the choices you make. And what you choose to believe about yourself. It is your choice on how you perceive yourself. When you take two pictures over the course of a day, one good and one bad — you choose to believe which one reflects what you believe you look like. When you post on social media, and you get 30 likes or positive comments, and the one person criticizes your outfit, you choose whether to put more weight on the positive comments or the one negative comment about your sartorial choices. Stay away from that perfectionist mindset!

So that’s my topic for today. I have dedicated this episode to the city of Los Angeles! It worked out that there’s kind of a connection to my dedicated city and the topic at hand. Los Angeles is known for its superficial perfectionist plastic Beverly Hills/Malibu mentality. Yet at the same time, it has lots of ugly areas and urban blight too. In fact, I don’t like LA much at all because of that. I thought it would be gorgeous everywhere, but it’s not really. So it’s not nearly as perfect as it purports to be. But I know many people love living there, and it’s definitely a huge and dynamic city! There is nothing shy about LA… and I do love that aspect of it.

And coincidentally, speaking of LA and perfection, the artist Katy Perry is from southern California. I just discovered that she is a freakin’ musical genius! I just recently downloaded her three most recent albums and they have some of the most perfect music that I’ve heard in a long time. Especially the album called Witness – just perfect from start to finish. The songs she never released are 10x better than the songs she did release. And what’s more, most of her lyrics are super inspirational. One of my favorite songs by here is Unconditionally. In the song, she says “Come just as you are to me… Don’t need apologies… Know that you are worthy”. I like to interpret the song as loving my own self unconditionally, as well as all my flaws and imperfections. And if you don’t care about my musical taste at all and you wish I had left this part out, then guess what – this episode is called the Imperfect episode for a reason. 

And on that note, no pun intended, this concludes the Imperfect LA episode. So If you have enjoyed this episode, and if you’ve gotten something valuable or useful out of this episode, then please give me five stars and write a review. Also please pass this podcast along to your friends or family or anyone you know that could benefit from it as well! 

If you like, please contact me at one of the contact options listed in my podcast description such as Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter … or visit my awesome website! Even if it’s just to say hi or to leave a message!

As always, remember to show up and DELIVER for yourself today and create a NEW dynamic version of yourself. 

Thanks so much for listening.

Episode 6, the Los Angeles episode, is now done!