Hello my Listeners! Welcome to Episode 7 of the Shy to Dynamic podcast!
Seven is the number of completion in the Bible, but I’m not done here yet. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode. I really appreciate all of you for joining me here.
So today I was wondering if any of you have had people in your life who have torn you down and ripped you apart? I don’t mean on an ongoing basis. That’s a whole different issue. I mean just a one-time thing where someone suddenly gives you a heavy dose of criticism over something you did or the way you looked. Well I had that done to me just last week. It happened straight out of the blue with someone I had literally just met.
Fortunately it was not a family member or a close friend, although some tough love from a person close to you might actually be a nice reality check sometimes. I do have a best friend who tears me down every now and then, but overall there are many more benefits to his harshness than there are negatives… and I’ve learned to benefit from his harsh critiques when appropriate and then tune them out when I need to. My other best friend on the other hand is super supportive and nice to me all the time. I mean he may jokingly insult me every now and then, but it’s always in jest. There are probably times that he should call me out more, but he doesn’t usually and I appreciate him for that.
But back to the incident that happened just the other day. I was at one of my meetup events that I often attend. I walked into the venue and one of my friends that I often talk to at meetups, a young woman named Julie, was already talking to a group of 3 people. They seemed like they were having a lively conversation, so I walked over and joined the little quartet. So Julie welcomed me into the group and one of the people I had never met was an outspoken young black man. The conversation proceeded along and believe it or not, he ended up fully ripping me apart about my fashion style. You may wonder how this line of conversation came about, but that’s not really important at the moment.
But he told me that my style was just completely wrong… way off the mark. He said that my jeans were too loose. He said my hat didn’t suit me or my outfit. He said he didn’t like the coat I was wearing… He thought it was a little too casual for this type of event. He actually had the audacity to mention something about that I could use a little concealer on my face. He said the ribbed shirt I was wearing was like a pajama shirt. And he didn’t like my shoes either. Yeah this was a fashion and style intervention that I never asked for… although I guess technically no one asks for an intervention.
So after this thorough excoriation from this young gentleman, you would think I would be justified in being triggered by this young man’s many criticisms of my style. You might think I would go away completely defeated and crestfallen, embarrassed and humiliated, and wondering why I was such a loser. Or you might think I would shoot back at him viciously with a few choice insults of my own! But actually I did not!
And that’s my topic today. Dealing with triggers in your life or when people trigger you. A trigger is something that someone says or does that creates a defensive reaction in you, and often creates very negative emotions in you. These negative emotions can be embarrassment, anger, jealousy, envy, sadness, or humiliation. And you know what? – I actually created that definition of a trigger from scratch! So I’m pretty impressed with myself!
Now you might think that it was a sign of weakness that I did not defend myself from this young gentleman’s verbal assault. I should have let him have it. But actually I think it was a sign of strength that I did not try to battle him and go back and forth with him. I was not triggered at all.
In the past, I would have been triggered. Because in the past, my self-esteem was so much lower. I would have thought that some part of my worth is determined by how my sense of style appears to other people. Instead, right now my value and worth is determined by me. And my value and worth are given to me by God and the Universe. I could have been triggered because I have friends who say “Maxx, you should wear brighter colors or you shouldn’t wear this or that…” So I do have a past history with fashion issues. But this day, his teardown of my sense of style didn’t really bother me too much at all. I didn’t even think about it that much afterwards.
And that’s because I accept that I am not perfect, which is what I discussed last week. I accept that my fashion style is not perfect, and that I may have a lot to learn and improve upon. And that’s ok. And I’m open to improving.
There’s a quote “Acceptance is the key to be totally free…” That’s another quote from the song Unconditionally by Katy Perry. You can probably tell by now that I love song quotes from my favorite artists.
Acceptance is all about accepting your own current faults or shortcomings, but also looking for ways to improve… if you can! If there are things you can’t change, I’ll talk about that later.
But for the things I can change, I am interested in improving if I determine that it is something worth improving. I was able to think about this guy’s caustic feedback and try to think about ways to refine my style.
RESUME
Hey, I took it as free advice from a semi-expert in a way! I decided to look for how I could use his comments positively despite the way he delivered it. And you can do that when you get negative feedback at work or in other aspects of life as well.
The way this gentleman delivered his advice in such a dismissive way was not appropriate, but he did it because it made him feel better to deliver it that way. But I didn’t have to take it into my soul and allow him to make me feel less than. I know who I am, and I know that I’m a good and valuable person. Why should I give the power to bring me down to someone I literally just met. He should at least have to prove his worth to me before I allow him to bring me down emotionally.
In my world, my opinion of me is more important than a perfect stranger’s opinion! In your world, don’t give over your self-esteem to someone else. That’s why it’s called self-esteem. Because it’s yours. Don’t give your esteem of yourself over to someone else, and don’t let them tell you who you are or allow them to judge your worth. Who says that because he was a gay man and I am a gay man that he has the right to impose a certain type of fashion style upon me anyway?... unless I decide to agree with that style.
To cap off this story on a good note, he had compliments for me at the end… He said that although he was shocked I was gay, he was also shocked that I was 49 years old! And he also said I had a good “dad bod”. So I’m going to use those compliments as a way to grow just as much as I used his negative comments to grow! And I chose to believe in those positive compliments even more than the negative criticisms!
As I said before, I actually left that venue and I didn’t really think about or dwell on that incident. I even thought about contacting him and keeping in touch, not necessarily to hang out, but just as another person I could know in the city… just someone to text every now and then.
Then I was like No, I’ll pass. Why should I continue any kind of relationship with someone who treated me so negatively and tried to tear me down to my face right in front of other people. I wasn’t triggered by it, and not bothered by it (amazingly), but that’s not the point. I decided that it was better for me not to continue contact with someone who judges me negatively. I don’t need that negative energy.
And overall I realized how far I’ve come. I’m much more comfortable in myself now. I know I may not be someone else’s cup of tea. My fashion may not be someone’s cup of tea. But I am some other people’s cup of tea.
I really hope that guy never listens to this episode, because I don’t want him to know that his teardown of me sparked an entire episode. But if he does, then so be it I guess!
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There are other ways to be triggered too. Sometimes we are triggered by things we can’t change. Like age for instance. If someone makes a stupid joke about my age, it doesn’t bother me that much, because I accept that I am older now, and that doesn’t really bother me. I had my time as a young person… That’s over now, I accept that. When you can’t change something, that’s really when acceptance is the key. If someone disparagingly mentions my age, I could say “You’ll be old one day too. I just happen to be older now. It’s just a matter of timing!”
I accept that my hair isn’t jet black anymore. For a long time, I cut it short and for a short time I dyed it. But then I accepted it and I stopped dyeing it, and then I stopped cutting it short, and I found a semi-gray style that I liked and that I feel comfortable with. At one time, if someone said my hair is so gray, that would have triggered me in a sense. It would have caused me to feel embarrassed or less-than. Now I accept that that’s just the way it is now. And if someone mentions my gray hair, I’m like “Yeah I have gray hair… And… you will too.”
Now as many people may know, learning to accept unchangeable things in your life is not an instant process. It takes time. I think I spent probably from age 42 to 48 coming to terms with transitioning to an older guy. Whatever you may need to accept in your own life may take years too. You may be triggered by it for a while until you find that you are not triggered anymore. It’s time to ACCEPT a new reality now. And you have to accept it to the point that it no longer triggers you.
If you get triggered by something someone says, figure out why that thing triggers you and try to solve it. If you feel that you don’t like your hairstyle, for instance, then research ways to fix it… or get a friend to help you and give you feedback or help. Whether that is by fixing or improving upon that thing that makes you feel triggered or whether that is simply accepting the reality of the thing that triggers you.
Oftentimes, it’s just easier at some point to just accept some things that trigger you. I have two spots on my face I don’t like. No one was teasing me or bringing it up. But my own mind and thoughts were triggering me about it. For a while, I tried the concealer option. But after a while, it wasn’t even worth it. I had to spend too much of my brain power trying to remember to put the concealer on every time I left home. And if I did remember, then I spent all my time thinking about did I blend it well? Can they still see the spots even with the concealer on? Did it rub off and do I have big smudge on my face now? It just wasn’t worth it. And in the end, is anyone really noticing or caring about those spots anyway? Not really. And if they are, then oh well, that’s their problem.
Also, if it’s something you can’t change, start searching for the benefits of that thing. Like my age for instance, look how much more knowledge and wisdom I have now, and how I’m no longer shy. That makes me better than when I was younger. And hey, some people are really attracted to older men and dad bods.
Sometimes you may be triggered by another’s actions. Someone in your past has cheated on you, so when your next partner hangs out by themself, you think they’re cheating. Their hanging out somewhere without you has triggered you. You have to “fix” it by getting out of the relationship so they don’t continue to trigger you… or you learn to accept that it’s ok for another human being including the one you’re in a relationship with to do things on their own. Lots of people’s actions are neither good nor bad when you really think about it, but your reaction to it determines whether it’s good or bad.
So to sum up, here is how not be triggered:
1) Know that your worth comes from inside you, and from God and the Universe. Not from others.
2) Accept and acknowledge your current faults and shortcomings. In some cases, you can work on improving upon them. In other cases, you can just learn to accept them, and acknowledge any benefits of those shortcomings. And if there aren’t any benefits, then find some.
3) It may be literally easier to just accept some things in the long run, rather than spending all your energy trying to fix it.
4) Focus on the positive equally or more than the negative. Don’t go away and only think about the negative “triggers” that people say or do to you. Did they also say or do something positive that you can focus on? Or are there ways you can improve yourself based on their triggering comments, no matter how negative?
5) Don’t put your self-esteem in someone else’s hands, and don’t let others impose their choices or style on you. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than.
So that’s what I have regarding that topic today regarding triggers and acceptance. I have dedicated this episode to the city of Chicago! Chicago is an awesome dynamic city. It is frigid as heck in the winter, but it’s worth it! I haven’t been there in a while, but I love that it’s a city I visited a super long time ago with my mother and sister as a family trip, so it holds a special memory for me.
One interesting fact about Chicago is that it has several nicknames. Everyone knows that it’s called “the windy city”, but most people don’t know that it’s not for the reason that you think that it’s called that. A lesser-known nickname for Chicago is “the second city”. There are several theories behind that name. One of them is that it comes from Chicago’s rivalry with New York. In the early 20th century, Chicago was second only to New York… in size”, which made it the so-called “Second City”. But in reality, Chicago has a strong sense of pride. It knows who it is and it is proud of its status and its culture. Speaking of “second city”, it’s the second hometown of the former president Obama. Chicago is not triggered by the “second city” moniker and has taken it on with a sense of pride in some cases. And likewise, no matter what your shortcomings may be, own them with a sense of acceptance when appropriate or even a sense of pride when appropriate. And if you feel that your shortcomings are something you should and must change, then own your current state, and then begin your own journey to change it…. The same way I decided to change my shyness and social anxiety, and I endeavored to become a more dynamic and friendly and kind person!
And on that note, this concludes the Chicago episode. So If you have enjoyed this episode, and if you’ve gotten something valuable or useful out of this episode, then please give me five stars and write a review. Also please pass this podcast along to your friends or family or anyone you know that could benefit from it as well!
If you like, please contact me at one of the contact options listed in my podcast description such as Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter … or visit my awesome website! Even if it’s just to say hi or to leave a comment!
As always, remember to show up and DELIVER for yourself today and create a NEW dynamic version of yourself.
Thanks so much for listening.
Episode 7, the Chicago episode, is now done!