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Today I’m gonna talk about how your perception is your reality… or how it becomes your reality.
In recent years, I have wished to be a little taller.
Why did I like being short in the past? I was insecure. I didn’t want to be seen or noticed.
There was a racial component to it as well.
Being tall would not have reflected how I felt inside. It would have felt like being in the wrong body.
But now I want to stand out…. I don’t need to fade into the background by being short.
So my shortness no longer has any real usefulness to me anymore in the present day.
I now feel like somewhat of an advocate for short men. There are some great short men out there.
In spite of me being short, not everyone perceives me that way… Reality is relative.
Even the things that seem to be obvious facts to some people really aren’t. Many perceptions that we have can be changed in our minds.
Guess what…. in many aspects we do create our own worlds. Have you ever noticed how the world improves when our mindset improves? That happened to me.
I can change my perception and thus change my reality. I believe that my shortness is a badge of pride because I have now outgrown the need for it. It is not something I rely on anymore to keep me safe.
The best thing to do is to “Act as if”. With many things, reality is not reality. Reality is whatever you perceive it to be! You choose to believe you’re powerful. You choose to believe you’re attractive.
In what ways can you perceive things differently so that over time, your belief and reality about things have changed so much that it is not even an issue anymore?
Sometimes perceiving things differently can affect drastically how you interact with people.
“Always try to perceive other people’s motives in the best possible light.” In as many cases as you can, think first about what positive motives they might have.
No matter what people do to you or say to you, how can you perceive it differently to improve yourself?
“You may not be able to improve them, but you can always improve yourself.” – Maxx Mitchell
Links!:
Your key to getting your own personal stylist, for non-personal-stylist money. You can find short length pants here too:
www.stitchfix.com/invite/f3pd3vq782?utm_campaign=InviteReferral&sod=w&som=c
Clothes specifically designed for short men!:
www.ashanderie.com
Link to Darren Hardy’s book, “The Compound Effect”: Jumpstart Your Income, Your Life, and Your Success:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0306924633?k=the%20compound%20effect%20by%20darren%20hardy&ref_=nb_sb_ss_w_scx-ent-pd-bk-d_l_k2_1_12&crid=25PIZHEC9Q2DJ&sprefix=darren%20hardy
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Hey there Listeners! Welcome to Episode 12 of the Shy to Dynamic podcast! I’ve had a fantastic two weeks… doing a lot of fun social stuff, learning new stuff, and I had a great time celebrating the Juneteenth holiday. And I hope you’ve had a great two weeks as well!
So I’ll get right to my topic today and try to keep it short so to speak… Today I’m gonna talk about how your perception is your reality… or how it becomes your reality.
I’ll start by saying… In recent years, I have wished to be a little taller. Not in a major kind of way though. Just a casual kind of “It would be nice if I were taller.” The irony is that I used to really enjoy being short. I was the same height then that I am now, obviously…, I think, but I perceived it so differently then. At the time, being short was one of my favorite things. Now I’m okay with it, but it would be cool to be a little taller.
You might ask why did I use to like being short? Doesn’t every man want to stand tall? Well… not necessarily. For me, it was because I didn’t want to stand out. I was insecure. I didn’t want to be seen or noticed. I liked being able to kind of recede into the background. Don’t get me wrong, I did like to be noticed when I accomplished something great academically, or maybe when I went to a club and I wanted someone to find me attractive. But overall, in life, I didn’t want to draw attention to myself, or stand out. Because I was chronically shy and my social anxiety was significant and a little debilitating at times.
Believe it or not, I admit there was even quite shockingly a racial component to it as well. I was happy being short because I felt it made me less threatening to… I guess you would call it… “white mainstream professional culture”. I didn’t want to be what I perceived as a big, tall intimidating black man when I tried to get jobs or opportunities, or to meet people. I don’t think I realized that I felt that way at the time… but somewhat subconsciously, that was my self-perception of what it would mean if I were tall.
Furthermore, being tall would not have reflected how I felt inside. It would have felt like being in the wrong body.
But now I want to stand out, to some extent. I now want to be intimidating and imposing!... in a good way of course. Related to what I said in the last episode, I want to stand out and impress people and I want to be so impressive that people feel wowed by my presence! I feel more confident about myself and I feel more confident in being seen by people. Therefore I don’t need to fade into the background by being of small physical stature. I feel that I have a reason to be seen and valued by the world.
So my shortness no longer has any real usefulness to me anymore in the present day.
The only reason that I still value my shortness is that I know that shortness was my friend at one point, and I’m not going to totally reject a friend and pretend that my friend never meant anything to me. My shortness is like an old friend who protected me from the bullies in my own mind and I am still thankful to my old friend. So sure, I would give it up if I could, but since I can’t, I will still not regret its existence… I will appreciate its existence and how it used to serve my needs. It’s kind of like not beating yourself for your old decisions, which I’ve spoken about before.
Back then, I never thought that my being short was a problem at all. I thought my shortness made me handsome and I found other short guys to be attractive. I didn’t even like dating tall guys.
Even more, I didn’t even realize that shortness was an issue in society. I literally didn’t know anyone cared. How that went over my head I have no idea. I just thought some men are tall, some men are short. No one cares. In fact, everywhere I go I see grown men that are my height. I just went to the gym downstairs, and I noticed – I guess because it was already on my mind – that all four guys including me that were in the gym at that time were short. Literally, every time I walk out the door, I see short men everywhere. It’s not at all a rarity. And many of them have relationships with women… or men. How could there be any bias against us when we’re so prevalent?
I first started to notice honestly that there was some bias against shortness when one of my best friends who’s very bold and opinionated and doesn’t hold back in what he says to people… He would say for instance, “Yeah, wear those pants… They make you look tall.” I was like “Wait… what? Why are you saying that? Why would I need to look tall? I don’t have any problem being short.” But his comments began to make me think about my height a lot more!
I began to wonder “Is that why I find it harder to date as I get older? Is it that I’m getting older, or is it that I’m short? Or is it both?! Oh my gosh! Have I been missing the obvious all along?! I’m such an idiot!”
And as I’ve gained many new friends here in Charlotte, many of my friends are black women. They almost all say that they want a tall man! I’m like “What! Why would you have that preference? Don’t discriminate!” In fact, I now feel like somewhat of an advocate for short men. There are some great short men out there. I am living proof of that… if I do say so myself! And that’s not necessarily arrogance… several of them have told me they would have been interested in dating me if I weren’t, you know….
Speaking of being an advocate for short men, I also am an advocate for myself as a short man. In most stores, the minimum pants length is a 32, sometimes a 30. Length 28 is what fits me the best. I decided that I will no longer shop for pants in these stores unless hemming is part of the pants purchasing process and they will do it for free or for a small fee. I now shop online at stores like Stitch Fix, which has pants available that come in short lengths, or Ash & Erie, which is a store specifically geared towards short men. That’s who I want to give my business to! And for all you men out there who are short, I’ve put a link to these two websites in my show notes.
But back to the ladies… The other night, I went to a nearby club with several of my black female friends, and there was an exceptionally short guy there. I mean way shorter than me. But very handsome guy in my opinion. The ladies, my friends, were commenting about “Wow, he is sooo short!” One of them even said “I feel so sorry for him! He must have a tough time!” I kind of rolled my eyes a little bit, and I hoped and prayed that that guy was super confident! He certainly didn’t seem to be walking around with his head down!
One time, around these friends, I casually mentioned something about being short, and one of my female friends said “Wait, you’re not short.” I had to stand up beside her for her to admit that maybe I was a little short. So in spite of me being short, they don’t really perceive me that way… at least not short enough that they would reject me wholesale.
That goes to show that… Reality is so relative.
Even the things that seem to be obvious facts to some people really aren’t. Some people feel it’s clearly better for everyone to be thinner and toned, while some people are attracted to people that are more full-figured and it seems so obvious to them that “Thicker is Better”. Some people see a disability as not a disability, it’s just a different ability. Some people say there are two genders. Other people think it’s just as obvious that there are many more. Some people say a room is cold, another person will say it’s perfect. I think sleeping all bundled up and covered in blankets is so undesirable that no one would want to do that. Other people prefer to sleep that way and think everyone else should feel the same.
Some people think modern architecture is clearly better, and others believe a retro style is preferable. Some people say that something bad that happened to them was a blessing because it made them a better or stronger person. Some people see no value in bad experiences at all, and aren’t willing to grow from them.
Some people see seven or eight colors in a rainbow. Other people like me and my mother only see two. Yet what we see is just as real to us as a “normal” rainbow is to others! The sun is yellow to human beings, but in reality it’s white. Go google the words “the sun from outer space”. The sun just looks yellow because it is filtered thru our atmosphere.
Therefore reality is all about how we perceive it. Some things are obviously pretty cut and dried. For other things, we just all perceive it differently. But many perceptions that we have can be changed in our minds.
I will always remember a line from a song called “Make Me a Believer” by Luther Vandross. In this song, he sings:
“Superman can fly high, way up in the sky, because we believe he can.”
That line always struck me as so silly, even as a child, and yet it is so profound at the same time!
If each of creates our whole world in our own minds like in the movie The Matrix, we would never know the difference.
And guess what…. in many aspects we do create our own worlds. Have you ever noticed how the world improves when our mindset improves? Or we get a job as soon as we start to believe that we are truly capable. That happened to me.
Or that people are more attracted to you or want to talk to you when your attitude improves. We find a partner when we start to truly believe we deserve it. Part of changing our perception is changing our thought processes to believing in good things more often.
I noticed a quote from a book I recently started to read called The Compound Effect.
The author, Darren Hardy, who is a motivational speaker and entrepreneur says:
“You can not see what you don’t look for, and you can not look for what you don’t believe in.” – Darren Hardy / The Compound Effect
End quote. You may find out that someone that you like also likes you back, and you realize that the signs were there all along when you look back on it, but your low self-esteem blocked you from seeing it…. Or trauma from your past relationship experiences prevented you from seeing it. Your perception or self-perception became your reality. Or you thought someone didn’t like you, but they were really just intimidated by you. You may think someone is stuck-up and mean, but they are just shy or socially awkward. But in your mind the fact that they were stuck-up was as much of a fact as the moon in the sky.
And so it was with my shortness. I perceived my shortness to be one of the best things about myself. Now to some extent I wish it was different. But here again, I can change my perception and thus change my reality. I believe that my shortness is a badge of pride because I have now outgrown the need for it. It is not something I rely on anymore to keep me safe. I also have the superpower to not dwell on or focus on my shortness. I realize that my personality and good spirit are what make me special. My shortness is irrelevant. I can still have anything I want even as a shorter guy. And I’m proud of what I have accomplished while being short. So it’s a reminder of how awesome of I am. Because I choose to perceive it that way. I stand tall because I set out to improve my life and I have.
I also realize that Martin Luther King Jr. was the same height as me. So I am in good company. And no one thinks of MLK as short. They just think of him as Martin Luther King and all the greatness that that entails. You can choose to perceive yourself however you want. Do you think Kevin Hart is hung up on his shortness, and do you think it prevents him from being funny and successful and LOUD?
A quote from a speaker and author, Dorie Clark says as follows:
“Even our perceived weaknesses can be strengths in the right light. We just need to claim them and own them.” – Dorie Clark
The best thing to do is to “Act as if”. With many things, reality is not reality. Reality is whatever you perceive it to be! You choose to believe you’re powerful. You choose to believe you’re attractive. It may take a while for you to truly believe it… or even begin to believe it. But in the meantime, you can do things to make yourself be and feel more powerful and attractive… which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So what is your shortness? What holds you back in your own mind? In what ways can you perceive that thing differently so that over time, your belief and reality about that thing has changed so much that it is not even an issue anymore?
Sometimes perceiving things differently can affect drastically how you interact with people. Stop perceiving every bad action that someone does as a slight against you. Think about how they may perceive the situation.
Everyone does not think the same way as you do.
A former mentor of mine said to me:
“Always try to perceive other people’s motives in the best possible light.”
If a friend of partner yells at you, think about what they are wanting from you that they are not getting from you. If your boss scolds you about something, are they trying to help you to get better at your job?
Now sometimes people may actually have malicious intent, or they may be trying to unfairly retaliate against you. But in as many cases as you can, think first about what positive motives they might have.
Sometimes people might say something to you about how they feel. You might say “Well, that’s dumb for them to say that” or “That’s dumb for them to think that about the situation.” But that’s not true. It is not absolute! In their mind, their viewpoint makes perfect sense. You have to respect that and try to understand that!
No matter what people do to you or say to you, how can you perceive it differently to improve yourself from it?
“You may not be able to improve them, but you can always improve yourself.” – Maxx Mitchell
So this concludes this episode about how my perception of my own shortness changed my reality! I have dedicated this episode to the city of Miami, which is in a way… is kind of a short city. What do I mean by that? I mean on average, it’s only 6 ½ feet above sea level, which makes it one of the lowest major cities in the US. Now that’s kind of a funny way to look at the stature of Miami, because there’s no doubt that people perceive it as a city of major stature. No one can see how low Miami is because other cities of higher elevation are not within your range of view. It looks high and tall because of how you perceive it relative to everything else you see and what you compare it to. After all, Miami has the third tallest skyline in the entire US! So even though the city itself is short in terms of elevation, it stands tall because no one perceives a city’s height in terms of how close it is to sea level. We perceive its height by how tall its buildings are… by how many people call it home, by what it represents culturally to different people around the world, by what fun and amenities it offers to its visitors!
That’s the same way it is in life. People perceive you by the energy that give off to them. They perceive you by how you see yourself. They even perceive you by how they see themselves! The reality of you is based on the perception of you.
That’s kind of crazy, isn’t it?
And with that… if you have enjoyed this episode, and you’ve gotten something useful out of this episode, then please give me five stars and write a review. Your ratings and reviews are really important to me! Also please pass this podcast along to your friends or family or anyone you know that could benefit from the words I’m speaking as well! And please contact me and let me know your important viewpoints and all your successes!
As always, remember to show up and DELIVER for yourself today and everyday, and create a NEW important and dynamic version of yourself!
Episode 12, the Miami episode, is now DONE!
END
P.S. Speaking of short men, I red something about Napoleon Bonaparte, who was supposedly very short. I’m quoting from an online article and I’ll put the link in my show notes to give them credit. The article says:
“[The belief] that Napoleon Bonaparte was only 5'2" is both true and false. According to Ripley's Believe It or Not, the military leader was measured in French inches, which were longer than English inches. As a result, though Bonaparte is [purported to be] five-foot-two, he was actually closer to five feet and seven inches.”
End quote. And to remind you… 5’7” is my height! However, I kind of hate it when long-held historical facts turn out to be wrong!... Ugh… Well… unless those historical facts are really terrible. Anyway, that’s it… Bye!