Letters to The Coop: Gut Feelings, Big Swings & The Truth About Imposter Syndrome

Alright, Coop Chicks—y’all asked, and we’re answering! It’s another Letters to The Coop, where Kit and Harper dish out advice, real talk, and maybe a little tough love.

Today, we are tackling…
Jealousy in relationships—Is it a gut feeling or a one-way ticket to Bye-Bye Town?
Sisters & money—How do you say no without ruining family brunch?
Imposter syndrome—Do we believe in it?
Competitive mindset—How swinging for the fences (literally) shaped Kit’s entire life.

And in true Coop fashion, we go off the rails into… childhood hustle stories, the art of not overthinking, and the breaking news that Bug is coming to The Coop! That’s right, Kit’s wise (and hilarious) mama is making her podcast debut soon, so send in your questions! What would Bug Do?!

Pour that coffee (or something stronger) and let’s get into it.

Keep sending in your own letters! DM us on Instagram @thecoopwithkithoover

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This episode was produced by Kit Hoover and Harper McDonald. Business Development by Casey Ladd. Editing by You & Me Media.

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Transcript

This transcript was generated using AI. Inaccuracies may exist.

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Welcome to the coop everybody. It is time for another edition of what do we call it Harper? Letters to the coop? Letters to the coop. Letters to the coop. A. K. A. Mailbag. Mailbag. You write them, we read them.

normally we do these at the end of the day and we have a glass of wine, but we're doing this one in the morning. Yes we are. So we're having our lovely coffee. Oh yeah. Wake us up. Wake us up. Pan away that camera, back it up to Cleveland. Yeah, that'd be great. by the way, thank y'all so much for writing in.

We really appreciate it. So it seems like y'all are liking this segment. So we'll keep 

doing them. Yep. All right. All right, mom. Are you ready for your first one? Okay. Let me have a sip of coffee. Okay. Here we go. 

Dear The Coop. this is from Ella from Atlanta. Okay. Okay. Your hometown. I'm 42. Happily never married, but dating a great guy.

Recently been feeling very jealous of my boyfriend and it's impacting my trust in him and us. I check his phone when I can, questioning where he's been. I'm not sure where these feelings are coming from as I [00:01:00] have always been secure in myself. How do I work through jealousy in this relationship without it causing more harm?

What's her name? Ella? 

Ella. 

Hi, Ella from Atlanta, the ATL. First of all, great question. This is the easy one, Ella. Jealousy is a wasted emotion. I don't believe in it. I've never lived in it. My rule of thumb, and I tell this all the time to my girlfriends and daughters, is If you have to check his phone, if you're feeling this, if someone is showing you they don't want to be with you, you open the door and let them out.

Bye bye, you show them the way. So usually, women's instincts are right. If you're feeling like something's up, Something's up and you don't chase, you attract. So if your fella is sort of making you feel like he's not there for you or he's into somebody else or something, not feeling right, you open that door and let him go, Ella, right this way.

My friend is what I say to my daughter, roll out the journey 

on journeyman journey journey on. Okay. You've never [00:02:00] checked? Well, I mean, like when you, well, we didn't have phones when we were younger and dating and could have phones. No, I can 

say my whole life I have never checked a phone. Some version of that, right.

Nope. Nope. Never checked a phone. Never looked. It's sort of, Again, that mentality that, hey, if you're not going to choose me, or you want to be somewhere else, then please, by all means, go do that. And if you really sit in that, it is the most powerful thing. I say to my daughters all the time, like, you don't, you're not chasing something.

Right. It's like that, that'll never works out. 

And okay, though, for this person, for Ella, she's in it. Like I think it would be awesome to come up with like what what should your first step be? 

I would say to him. Why are you making me feel this way?

Right? That's what I'd say or I am feeling this. Yes, you're right Don't put it on him. I'm 

feeling this way. I love hanging out with you. Everything's everything's awesome Is there anything that I need to be concerned about? Yep. Yeah, and if not, then I'd want to be able to move on I don't want to be move on.

Yeah, and and [00:03:00] then if Something continues to happen that doesn't feel right Journey on. 

Journey on, journeyman. Bye bye. Right. There is something to that. You're right. I always put the ownership on yourself. I'm feeling this way. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh, is there a reason for this? Uh huh. Is there anything 

that I, 

Anything?

Is there 

anything that I should have my antenna up about? 

He's going to say no. Yep. He's not. And then Ella, usually you got to report back to us. I guarantee if you look on that phone, you're going to find something. If you have the need to look, it's going to be there. Just from our rule of thumb we've seen with all of our girlfriends.

Yeah. 

Well, also maybe she's feeling, maybe she really likes him too. I mean, she's happily never been married. Yep. That means very satisfied woman in her life and maybe is dated and had some nights, but maybe she really likes him. Maybe she really thinks there's something there. So she's. Sort of on edge.

But check 

in to the jealousy, because I thought about this a lot, whether it's in my career, and it's sort of how I was brought up, that my family was always about run your own race. Do not compare yourself to others. to [00:04:00] anybody. We always laugh. We never kept up with the Joneses. We were annoyed if the Joneses wanted to come play with us.

And I really think there's something so great about that. And I love cheering for truly cheering for everybody else. And Harper, we've talked about this. When you see that trait passed on to your children, when they're celebrating other people's success, it just, it's such a great feeling. And I think it's just a mindset.

So I say to Ella, just sort of stretch that muscle and lean into Who makes you, you and lose that jealousy. 

It's more, it's going inside, being clear about who you are and saying, is this what you want? Yeah. Is this, is he who you want? 

And if he's making you feel like, and if he's not 

additive talking about Chelsea, right.

If he's not additive, then. 

Journey on. Journey on. Yeah. It is such a thing. I think a lot of times for women, if I just do this, they'll do this or that. No. If they're not additive to you, if he's already making you feel this way, I'm not sure this is somebody you want to go forward with. Communication is key.

Try to talk it out. But if not, 

buh bye. Yeah. See ya. Buh bye. See ya. Yeah. Okay. Thank you, Ella. Thanks, Elle. 

[00:05:00] Okay. This is from Sophia in Seattle. What's up, Seattle? Seattle. Sleepless. Kit. Okay, this is to you. Kit, you've been a six time state champion. Woo hoo. Woo. Clearly required incredible dedication and discipline.

So nice. Where does that competitive mindset come from? 

Oh, that's so first of all, thanks Seattle for checking in. I know. I've been tracking you since the early days. Uh, thank you. I love it. Uh, yes. In high school. So I was a six time state champion for the mile and two mile. I won it, three years in a row.

What's funny about it, Harper, is, I don't think I was ever the strongest runner. I think that my work ethic was probably unmatched. And there's this ability to tap in internally. You go to a place where I can go harder than anybody else in that moment. And I see it in my three kids. the championship mindset.

In my mind, I've won every race before I stepped on the track. And who does that sound like, Harper? 

Leila 

Ali. Leila Ali. She said, I won every match before [00:06:00] I got into the rings. And if you listening to this, anybody, no matter what you're doing in your life, have that mindset, win or lose, there's a way you're going to carry yourself through it that will win in the end.

It's just envisioning it. It's 

envisioning it. Yeah. Feeling it. Feeling it. It's 

just, it's in your body. I see myself on the other side of this. I've crushed it. Yeah, I've crushed it. Yeah. 

And so when I watch my kids again doing that, I'll tap, I text them all the time, tap in, tap in. Like, and Mel Robbins has this new book out and she's talking about let them is her new thing.

Yes. And I'd like to add to that. Mel Robbins says, anybody in your life that wants to leave or isn't good, let them go. Let them go. Let them do their thing. Once you do that, then tap into what makes you, you and you will fly. 

That's beautiful. You can let 

things out, but then you gotta, again, go internally, tap in people.

So that's where the competitiveness comes in with everything. 

And who in your family was a runner? So where did this, I mean, people don't, I mean, there are people that just run and feel, I mean, you have that drive and you have that energy. So I see that. does someone in your family run?

Yes. So 

growing up, my dad, [00:07:00] Bucky, ran before running was cool. I mean, Harper, nobody was running back then. We're definitely seen as like the weird family and there goes that weird man. Your tiny shorts. And the tiny shorts. In the, in the rain or the snow. So he was way into physical fitness in the seventies.

When, how did we not connect it back then that it was so great for you if you think about it? Nobody ran amazing, 

amazing, and 

back then I used to win races because I was the only one in my age division. I won by default, but it sure felt good. Oh, that, that's . That's a win. That's one way to do it. Run your own race when you're the only one in it.

Clearly. Like actually run your own race. Like actually run your solo race and you'll win . But it is so cool what he. Still, and that's that discipline mindset really sweet photo. I 

think you posted it on Instagram. I don't know when that was a couple months ago. I think it was, of you running with your dad, like in some 5k and you are actually, in fact, the only young person in it, like child running.

And it's all these grownups, all these 

men. And what I love about that picture too, Harper is my dad. Isn't looking at [00:08:00] me. He's not holding my hand. It's like we're grinding it is hot and we're running Mach 10 and we're tapping in We're in pain. We're hurting and that feeling the gift that he gave me of being able to use that to my advantage I think it's helped me with everything in my life certainly in my career, but everybody at home can do that It's tapping into that internal part of you That's the pedal to the metal that belief in yourself and go for it 

And I think you I mean you've talked about this you have your girls are Interviewing for big jobs and they're out in the big wide world and you've also talked to them about Believe you've gotten this position before you've even walked in.

Like it is yours not in a cocky way. Nope. Just in a confidence You've got this kind of way. 

Yeah. Yeah. And um, swing for the fences, as I say that Harper, there's the funniest story. I played softball, when I was like seven years old, I started. And my first game, I got on base because I'm so small. The pitchers couldn't pitch to me.

So I love getting on base. Your strike zone was literally an inch. Not even. Not [00:09:00] even. For those that don't know me, I'm from New York. I'm going to give you a visual. I mean, it looks so funny. I never knew the huge difference with the girls. Like the bat was actually taller than you. And the girls literally, I came up to their waist and they were all my age and it didn't feel weird to me.

The pictures look weird. I look like their daughters and whatever. So I get on base. and I can steal bases. So I loved running. So I'm like, this is great. I'm not even going to try when I'm up to bat. My dad was not at the first game. The second game, my dad comes to, and I'm squatting down to get on base.

I'm like, wait till he sees me run. So I, of course I do that. I get on base, I steal home. I'm like, this is great. I get up the next time I squat down and I hear from the back row, swing at the goddamn ball. And what I love about that was he was like, and afterwards he was laughing. He said, Kit. Of course you're going to get on base, but you're not even trying least swing.

I'd rather you strike out and swing than do what you're doing. And the joke is I've been swinging for the fences ever since. 

Oh, I love that story. I might've added 

[00:10:00] the GD ball. He might not have been that passionate, but he definitely said swing at the ball. I added it for emphasis. Sure. Why not? I guess that's so great.

That's so funny. Like, and I could see the pitchers being like, God damn it, there's that little, 

ah, she's up again, coming back again. Isn't that great though? Do they ever throw the ball at you? Like, probably, probably. I think I 

got hit a bunch. Like you got on base because they were just literally chucking it at you.

But I love back in the 70s, a dad doing that to a girl. Girls sports were not what they were and a lot of times like, Oh, just look at them out there playing cute. And that wasn't of interest to my dad. He was sort of like, show me what you got if you're going to get up to bat. I thought that was so cool.

It's amazing. 

 Did you 

play 

softball, Harper? I did. What position? Uh, I played third base. Oh my god. Yeah. I loved it. yeah, I remember the first team I was on was called the Bumblebees. Yeah. That was t ball. and then I played all the way through high school.

We had the best cheers. It was so fun. Team sport. It was great. I love softball. It's a, it's a super fun sport. I'm not. We should get a coop softball league. Sure. Yeah. You in? [00:11:00] Mandy's in. no, it's, it's so much fun. I'm short too. but I, don't know that I had that advantage of a smaller strike. Did you always have to bunt?

They always wanted me to bunt. I didn't have to bunt. They just wanted to get us on base. They just want to get us on base. Yeah. Anyway, it's really fun. Thank you, Sophia. Thanks, Sophia. It was fun. This is from Maya in Denver. Oh, this is an interesting one.

Okay. 

Dear The Coop, my sister constantly asks me for financial help even though I've helped her several times before. How do I tell her no without feeling guilty or damaging our relationship? 

That's really hard. That's a hard one because, I mean, money to family and friends never usually works out. Right.

And it really messes up, monkeys the relationship you've got with one another. Don't you feel like that Harper? I do. I do. it just muddies it. If you can stay away from borrowing money for family and friends, it's the way to go. That's her sister. Mm hmm. Eee. first of all, that said, Harper, I'd give you the, anything you want.

Well, I was going to say, this is almost a funny [00:12:00] question to ask you, because I feel like you are the giver beyond givers. You were literally like, take my house, take my car, take my clothes. You've given, who did you give clothes to, when my house burned down or what was that? No, no, no. it was another journalist.

It was someone that needed to borrow clothes from you. I swear we, oh 

yeah, we just had them on and I gave her my clothes. Oh my gosh. I can't even remember. I literally give up. If you tell me you like something, I will literally take it off my literally say, Oh here, it's 

yours. And you were like in a bra and like in a jacket.

Like, I don't know Yes, I can't remember who that was. So this is really, this is a hard question to ask you because I think your advice would be like, just give it to him. That's the people pleaser side of you. 

That's the people who are stopping. My parents have, never given my brother and I money once we graduated.

And it's really helped with our work ethic. Sure. The difference is we know they're there as a safety net. But I do think if you know you can keep getting it, you're going to keep going back to the well. So to deal with the sisters, I might say, Hey, look, I'm going to give this to you one more time.

And then to save [00:13:00] our relationship, I need you to. Jump on your own horse, be on your own, and figure it out, or come live with me, or come live with me, figure out another way, but the money thing, the other rule of thumb is anytime I have lent friends money, yeah, or people that I love, lent some people money that I don't even know that well, that have come to me in a crisis, you have to give it, you have to give it to them.

Not expecting it to come back 

ever 

ever 

ever and 

it does leave a mark. You're kind of like II that stinks that feels hard Yeah, 

yeah, but you're right It's sort of setting up the parameters and sort of saying this is the last time really the last time I love you And I want to have a beautiful relationship with you my whole life So if there's some other way that I can help besides money, let me know 

Yeah, by the way, my dad's made it clear he's giving all of our inheritance to charity.

He thinks it's the worst thing you can do to give kids and grandkids money. I said, all of it? They're like, 

wow, that's so noble dad. I really appreciate it. 

But he's such a renegade and he's just made it very clear and he has all these charities that are important to [00:14:00] him and schools that are important to him and Bucky just beats to his own drum.

Yes, and also he has two children who. He instilled work ethic in and the two of you are thriving independently and You know, I think if it was a different circumstance, he might consider it differently. Yes Well, and also he says 

you want your kids to come to you for advice and want to be with you not for money He's like that should always be your goal and bless his heart my brother and I hit him up three times a day with just Just to talk to him, to hang with him, to let, so it does work.

It is a funny thing. I'm totally failing with my kids. I give them way too much, but I'm going to, I'm a work in progress. It's 

hard. It's hard. It is. I, again, I think this generation is just, it's just different. We want to give our kids absolutely everything that we possibly can. Yeah, I'm not sure how that's all going to work out.

Yeah, how we doing? Well, TBD. Well, they're all incredible people, but yeah, sort of the, and they all work really hard. Yeah, they do. but it is different. It's different. 

Stella from Nashville. Dear the Many high [00:15:00] achieving women struggle with imposter syndrome. even when they've accomplished a lot kit. Did you ever experience that feeling and how did you deal with it? Nope, I don't even know what it is. I'm not trying to be funny. You don't know what it is?

No. You've never heard of imposter syndrome? 

I 

kind of 

have, but define 

what it is. imposter syndrome is when You're being an imposter. So you've been put into a position to do something yet you don't either feel like you're qualified.

You don't feel like you're smart enough. You don't feel like you're whatever enough to be able to do the things. So you're sort of an imposter in your own body. And I think a lot of women who are accomplished, they're constantly put in a position where they are not exactly have all of the qualifications or checked all the be, where they are sitting.

So they have this underlying feeling of being an imposter in what they're doing. So they lose confidence because they're like, I'm not really qualified to do this, or I'm not supposed to be here right now. 

That's fascinating. I think I definitely have a fake it till you make it, but I never feel an [00:16:00] insecurity about it.

I feel invigorated and I'm a naturally curious person. So this has been my whole life, right? For anybody that starts a new job or after college, what you're going to do, what's your path. We all leap in sort of to the deep end, but I never, go to that place of security. I go to back to the. winning the championship mindset.

How can I make this work for me? Right. So I, yeah, I don't think I've ever, felt like an imposter. Again, it's that authenticity. I think for me, what I found, one reason that I have a certain level of success is I'm just authentically myself. It's the only true gift I have to move forward in the business that I'm in.

Right. you just have to be authentically yourself and you might not be everybody's cup of tea, but you are your tea 

if you weren't doing what you were doing Right now, in your job, in your career specifically, what do you think you'd be doing?

I think I'd be a teacher. I think I'd be a teacher. Yeah. Oh, that's so cool. I've always wanted to do that. High school. Stop it. Yes. High school teacher. High school teacher? Yep. Oh, God. Well, mainly 

for the coaching. [00:17:00] I love being around kids. And my oh God is, would be terrible.

really lucky to have you. The boys would enjoy every, every individual there would be like, 

because the girls, I mean, that would be incredible. I would love it. I'm so passionate about so many things and athletics, what it's done for me. So I think to be in a school environment, when I go back to my high school, Harper, and I smell the way it smells like the track and the cafeteria, I really, really love it.

So I could have seen myself. That's sort of the path I was going on. Yeah. and I wasn't really sure what subject that was going to teach. I wasn't sure about that yet, but I could just see myself being part of a team and building and being a mentor and really loving that. 

So when you were in college though, you studied communication, 

communication, but I was studying education 

and 

then, Julie Claire, my girlfriend, it's so funny how friends can change your life.

She was like, uh, no, we're going to go this route. And so I followed her journalism. So, yeah. I followed her and, the rest is history. And now they're inducting me into the Journalism Hall of Fame at University of North Carolina coming up. It's incredible. I know. So I think about where my [00:18:00] path again, my dad always says, just be ready for change.

Just go with the flow of it. And I took that turn and then got road rules and then the art of the hustle. Right. And the rest is history. 

Okay. But let's go back to you being a high school teacher. I wanted a whistle. I'll get you a whistle. I wanted a clipboard. What, okay.

So, and what would you coach? Would it be, would it just be like, would it be track? Would it be cross country? Would it be softball? Yeah. 

I kind of thought all of them, as many sports as they'd let me coach. I grew up playing 18, 000 sports. it's, I just don't have the time right now, but it would be, I love it.

And going to all of my kids sporting events, it's like my happy place. Oh my gosh, when I'm on the sideline, when I'm on the track, I'm at the field, when I'm in the gym. Oh, I just love it. You'd be incredible. A bunch of my high school guy friends on the side go back and help coach football. Right. And I just think that is so badass.

Yeah. Yeah. 

I, I think there's a way to do it. I mean, a lot of times, you know. practices after school and games or whatever. I mean, it's, it's impossible with your current schedule, but 

I would love it. And I recently, taught a couple or one, a couple, you know, me, I'm [00:19:00] always adding. I recently taught one, lecture for the journalism school at Chapel Hill where I went to school.

Oh, yes. And it looks like they're going to try to parlay that where I might do some more classes for students out here. So So my kids are laughing. They're like, mom, you're not Matthew McConaughey. And I said, all right, all right, all right. Don't count me out just yet. So, but anyway, it felt so great to talk to these students about sort of my journey and where to go.

So I love that. What would you be doing? Harper? 

I don't know. 

I know what you would, you would be a psychologist. 

I think I would actually. so I took one class, at USC. I, that's how I, I didn't declare it, but when you go into USC, you sort of, you don't declare your major. Do you declare your major?

Okay. So I had chosen my major. it was psychology. I went to one class. It was like psychology one on one. It was a lecture hall of like 300 people. And I remember I sat in there and, someone had freaked me out and said like, this is literally the hardest class you will take in your four years.

And it was, I was a freshman and I'm, yeah, totally. [00:20:00] Like I was like, I don't, I'm not down for that. So it was so many kids and, but, and I don't regret it. but I have thought many, many, many, many times of going back. Many times. To school. 

You have a natural gift for it. 

That's very 

nice. And so it's sort of funny how you think I have a gift for the other.

So for any listener, it's funny how your life will go different paths. Yeah. Because we definitely would be successful in those lanes. But we kind of use them in our life in other ways. 

So I think going back to the original question of imposter syndrome, no, you've never had it. 

I don't mean to sound bad with that.

No, no, no. I'm trying to sit. I love it. Yeah. 

Because you just. What do you have to lose? Yeah. Just go, just go, just go do it. Right. If they ultimately don't like you, whatever it is, the thing you're trying to do, then cool.  there was a time where I was working at doing some consulting and I worked on a project for like a year, different projects.

And there just, there wasn't a fit. and I was trying to, fit into something I wasn't meant to. and I felt it the whole time and I felt like an imposter. But I also know that I'm capable and I can get [00:21:00] stuff done. But it also still wasn't the right fit. So I think that there's kind of a, where the rubber meets the road.

if you've really tried to do something and at some point it's really either you're not progressing, you're not growing or it's not growing alongside of you, whatever the opportunity is, then. It's not that you're an imposter, it's just not the right thing for you. I think it's the 

word imposter I don't like, right?

Yeah. The way they put that. It's negative. If they phrased it differently. I've definitely been in situations where it doesn't feel great. You're like, Ooh, this is, this is stretching me. Yeah. However, I truly look at everything as like a learning experience. Like, okay, what can I learn from this and where can I go next with it?

Yeah. So if it's not the right thing, get out. 

I don't really overthink stuff, you know this about me. I really don't. It's like, that's not working. Let me go to the next. It's so great. It's such a gift. I am truly wired for windshield. 

I am 

not rear view mirror. I just don't know. I'm not capable of it. I can't hold grudges because I forget and I just get happy again.

Like I truly move forward with things in my life. Not because I'm evolved. I'm just not. I'm just wired for forward. Yeah. It's awesome. Windshield. Yeah. I'm wired for [00:22:00] windshield. Windshield. I know. Windshield. That rear view mirror is so tiny so I don't spend much time up there. Oh, so you love that. Yeah, that's great.

I'm just windshield. I'm just going forward. I love it. 

That's amazing. Okay. I don't even know who asked us that question. Oh, Stella. Thanks, Stella. Thanks, Stella. Thanks, Stella. 

I've got huge news for the Coupe that I'm just thinking of. You don't even know this, Harper. What? You are going to be so excited.

Tell me. Bug has agreed to come on The Coop. Oh, stop. My mom, Bug, heard us talking about it. And then her friends were like, her name is Suzanne. Like, Suzanne, you have to go on The Coop. You have so much wisdom. And so she's really nervous. so I was like, Mom, you have to do it when you're back out here, though.

We need her in person. Oh, yeah, for sure. Because if you could see her FaceTimes, there's no way she's going on Zoom. I don't know where she's holding that camera. It's like, I'm like, mom, that's your nose. I can't look. Right. Or she just puts it 

Wait, that 

is so exciting. So y'all get excited. Talk about drops of wisdom.

Okay. Well, what we need is for people to send us questions for Bug. Bug. I mean, that is going to be incredible. Incredible. I'm so happy. My [00:23:00] 85 year old mom, Bug. We've been wanting this. Harper's been asking, I think since we started this podcast. Correct. Yeah. It was actually one of the original things that we wanted to do as a part of it.

Yes. So we wanted us to have a session with Bug. kind of every once in a while, a little bit of how we're doing this, but this is amazing. Literally 

Harper called me. I can't remember what it was recently for something going on And you said, what would bug say? Yeah. I mean, so now that's, we've gone where to the next.

Correct. 

Well, and it's, it's not, what would Jesus do? It's what would bug do? So it's, you know, listen, Jesus is important sometimes too, but bug is really important most of the time for wisdom. Our little 

fairy. Yep. Our little, our little cute fairy. 

All 

right. All right. So that's it guys. Thanks for your letters to the coop.

That was so fun. Thanks for having coffee with us this morning. I agree. keep them coming. I hope that was somewhat useful. I'm still baffled that y'all find our info interesting. So see you next time in the coop.