Letters to The Coop: Handling Criticism, College Decisions & Thriving Through Tween Chaos

We’re back with another round of Letters to The Coop, and y’all keep bringing the good questions! In this episode, we dive into everything from dating after divorce (Katie Couric gave us GREAT advice for dating in your 50s!) to handling a friend who’s suddenly way too critical. We also talk about surviving the college admissions process (spoiler: the stress is real, but we’ve got tips!), and of course, middle school drama—because is there anything more brutal than those tween years? Plus, Kit spills her best parenting hack for making middle school a little easier (trust us, this one’s a game-changer). 

Whether you’re in the thick of it or just here for things that make us all laugh, we’ve got you!

Today we cover:

Dating After Divorce – Okay, deep breath. We talk about confidence, embracing the unknown, and why we’re all about the “don’t chase, attract” mindset and the slow burn (thank you Katie Couric!).

When Your Friend Gets a Little Too Critical – We’ve all been there—one of your closest friends suddenly starts questioning your decisions. How do you handle it without blowing up the friendship? 

College Admissions Stress – If you’re a parent going through this process, we see you! We’re sharing what’s worked for us (and what definitely didn’t) to help keep the stress levels down—for you and your kid.

Middle School Madness – The mean girl phase? The friend drama? The why-is-this-so-hard moments? We get into all of it.

Fav quote of Kit's this week:

The lotus flower grows in the mud—sometimes, you’ve got to sit in the mess before you bloom.

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Got a question you want us to tackle? Drop it in the comments or send it our way through our Contact Us on our website (thecoopwithkit.com) — we love hearing from you!

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This episode was produced by Kit Hoover and Harper McDonald. Business Development by Casey Ladd. Editing by You & Me Media.

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Transcript

This transcript was transcribed by AI. Inaccuracies may be present.

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Hey Coop Chicks, huge favor. I need you to follow The Coop with Kit. Wherever you get your podcasts, Apple, Spotify, click that follow button. That way you'll get all of our episodes immediately downloaded. 

Kit: Hey everybody, welcome to the coop with Kit. We're going to do another segment, letters to the coop.

and Harper, they just keep coming in. So this is just cracking me up. It's awesome. 

Harper: I mean, it's, it's, you, you haven't done a lot of interviews in your life about you, and so I think [00:01:00] that. You're just such a light and such an inspiration and so much fun that people are like, dude, I'm going through something.

What do you got? 

Kit: Well, 

Harper: you got 

Kit: bug. You got 

Harper: Bucky. I got Harper. We got a lot of insight. So let's take advantage. Oh, 

Kit: well, thank you for that. It is so funny. As a journalist, you're used to just asking the questions. So it's always fun. It's funny when they come back. But through doing this with you at the coop, it's getting easier.

And we're doing another one in the morning, y'all, with just our coffee. Normally we do them at the end of the day with wine. So it's kind of fun in the coop in the morning. It is. It is. 

Harper: I do. You and I talk in the morning, almost every single morning. Every morning. we talk every day, but we talk almost every single morning.

And so there's a lot of words that pass in the morning. So it felt like, you know, we could. 

Kit: We could do this. And on that note, y'all, do you have the friend that's a night person, an evening person when you're a morning person? Because Harper comes alive at night and I come alive in the morning. So bless her heart sometimes, I would have been up really early, had my coffee, done my workout, chug some Celsius.

Just the top of it. I only do, I only do a little bit of the [00:02:00] Celsius cause it just makes me fly and Harper's like, okay, what's in 

Harper: Celsius. I 

Kit: don't even know, but it is, it is, I don't know, but it gets me going. Is it like 

Harper: Red Bull? 

Kit: Yes, I think. Don't hold me to any of that. It's an energy drink. I love that 

Harper: you have your Kajava, which has like every nutrient in the world, every supplement love my Kajava.

That I know. You chase it with some Celsius. 

Kit: But Harper's so great. Like I'll call her in the morning, just fly, Flying. I'm like, Harper, we're going to do weighted vest and like some idea that I'm doing. Harper just calmly goes with it. Sounds good. Yeah. Great. I hear you. I hear you. We're, we'll, we'll 

Harper: do that.

All right, my love. So we've got a few questions today. This is so exciting. Okay. 

START REEL 1

Harper: This is Zoe from Austin. Okay. After, Oh goodness. Dear the coop. After 20 years of marriage, I'm suddenly finding myself dating again and I'm struggling with self confidence. How do I navigate this new chapter of my life while maintaining my sense of self?

Kit: You get out there, girl. I talked about it last time we [00:03:00] did letters. Tap in. Do not chase. Attract. Be great with you. have the ability to sit with the uncomfortable so you can come out on the other side. side. It's that whole parable of the lotus flower, right? That sits in the mud. It has to sit in the dark in the mud to truly grow beautiful to itself.

So clearly you've come through a lot. Don't worry about it. Let it flow. Don't chase. Just be comfortable doing you and everything else will come your way. 

Harper: Well, and it's, after 20 years of marriage, so obviously deeply partnered with somebody and finding independence again, and who she is as an individual, that's, that's really hard.

Yeah, 

Kit: I think lean into the uncomfortable. Lean into whatever you're fearful of, whatever is making her feel this way. Are you worried that you're alone for the first time? Are you worried you don't know what your next step is? I think if you lean into all of that, you'll come in and sit with it and then figure out your path forward.

You'll come out on the other 

Harper: side. And I also feel a huge [00:04:00] part of that is also do things you enjoy. Yeah. Start to fill your time with things that you love and things that bring you joy and things you have gratitude for, because that will start to fill your cup. Yeah. So that as you get out there and I don't know, start having coffee or going back to what Kate, remember Katie Kirk's, Oh 

Kit: yeah.

What was her advice on 

Harper: dating? Well, her advice was the slow burn. She's very slow and, coffee, 

Kit: coffee. Yeah. No drinks. No drinks. No dinner. Yeah. And sit with a little coffee and just start it off slow and just build and just be, again, don't rush anything. Just enjoy the journey of this. 

END REEL 1

Kit: And I like the gratitude.

What's bug always sends me, it's, it's the glimmers and a lot of people talk about this. Find the things in your day that make you happy. And as you focus more on those, those become the focus. 

Harper: That's so beautiful. So 

Kit: I really like that. 

Harper: but I think tactically, um, it's important to not feel like you have to be this everything.

Yeah. You don't have, when you go back out and date again, you don't have to, I don't know, be some portion of, or some, you don't have to be, who you aren't. 

Kit: Yeah. 

Harper: [00:05:00] So who you are is the perfect person. And that's the person that you go out in the world as and 

Kit: And that comes with age. I think there's something beautiful for her.

Like she should know a little more who she is than she did back in her twenties and thirties. Yeah. 

Harper: But maybe, maybe lost, maybe lost it a little bit along the way. So that's why it feels to me just more focused on you. And then, I mean, that's the thing is, is when you sort of, I think in general, it's in life, it's in career, it's in love.

When you are settled and happy in a place than the things that are meant to come to you do. So you don't chase. Yep. Do not chase. You attract. I love that. 

Kit: You've got it, my girlfriend. Report back to us. I 

Harper: love that. 

Kit: Okay. 

START REEL 2

Harper: Dear The Coop, I've had a close friend for years, but recently I feel like she's become overly critical of my life choices.

How do I address her behavior without ruining our long time friendship? This is from Clara. 

Kit: Clara, women friendships are the most important thing. Let me rephrase that. Women friendships are so important. And I don't know about you Harper, but anytime in my life that there's [00:06:00] been like a riff with any friend, it really affects me.

I mean it, it, like a family member, I mean it cuts to the core because they're so important to me. I don't like that this friend is being critical of Clara. I think my rule of thumb is you try to meet each friend where they are and maybe that Clara's going through something this other friend doesn't know.

There's one thing to be, you need your friends to be honest with you, but they need, you need to know that they have your back. 

Harper: Totally. Well, again, if we think about sort of Chelsea Handler, what would Chelsea do in this circumstance? So she, she, I mean, she has told, she said that she's had situations with friends, right?

That were hard, where she's been broken up with and friends have broken up with her and, you know, she's also talked about, she's very honest with her friends. So. there is a gift in a friend, being thoughtful and trying to talk you through what's going on in your life, but critical's different.

Kit: Critical's different. Yeah. And I think as we get older, at least where I sit in my life, I just want people that are additive and it doesn't mean that they don't, [00:07:00] it's not critique me, that they don't guide me like, hey, I'm not sure this path you're doing, or I don't really like this, or however they would do it in a way.

But I believe that a good friend. You don't keep score, and you're always there for one another. Always. So, it sounds like this woman's sort of keeping score, right? Coming after her for something that's probably about her more than Clara. Correct. 

Harper: So, but what would our advice be for her to do? 

Kit: So, our advice would be to, how would she address it?

This is where Harper is better than me. Harper is our resident psychologist here, and I'm not kidding. You have such a gift. You're really good at this. So, how would you phrase it in a way that doesn't look combative going back at her? 

Harper: Oh. probably something like, these aren't going to be exactly the right words, but something like, I love you.

It's always like coming at a place, I'm coming from a place of love. So I love you. and I appreciate that you're trying to help me through something right now, or you have thoughts on something that's going on in my life. The way that. you're communicating it to me, is a little hurtful because I feel like you're being critical.

You may not be trying to be critical, but that's how it [00:08:00] feels. That's how it's coming across. So, um, I'd love if we could either talk about it differently or maybe this particular topic isn't great for us to talk about right now. 

Kit: Do you see how good Harper is now? Here's the difference. I would be like, what the F is wrong with you?

Why are you being so mean? 

Harper: Well, that's okay 

Kit: too though. No, because I feel like I come at like an attack, not an attack, but like a, where Harper's very thoughtful. And I've learned this from you. I'm trying to learn this trait. I like the way where you take a beat and then come at it in a thoughtful way.

Kind of say, this is what's happening. 

END REEL 2

Harper: This is what's happening. This is how I'm feeling. It may not be your intention, but it's how I'm feeling. and I need your help or I need your guidance, but I need it in a way where I don't feel as if you are being critical of my choices. And so, if it's not, if you feel really strongly about it, awesome.

Maybe this just, this is not one that we talk about for a little bit. 

Kit: That's good. 

Harper: And then let it sit. But that's really hard because if it's a good friend of yours, then you're like, we're going to talk about every topic but that one. But it puts the person on notice a little bit. Yes. Just could you, just you think about the words that you use when you speak to 

Kit: me, that would be, that'd be cool.[00:09:00] 

I think the biggest takeaway that I've learned where I sit growing up, I think the Southern in me was sort of taught in a way you just sweep it under the rug. Hang on everybody. Nobody panic. I think the Southern in me was taught to sweep it under the rug. Right? Anything that happens, it just doesn't happen.

You just move forward. For sure. And so conflict was something, not even conflict, to address something, I just wasn't brought up stretching that muscle. Right. So I've learned as I've gotten older to just address it. A hundred percent. And now what I'm learning through you, you've been so helpful in my life, is to address it in the, in a way that will maybe get you the result that you need better.

Right. Exactly. 

Harper: So it's always about what are you trying to get? What do you, what's 

Kit: the end result? What's the, what's the end goal? 

Harper: And so for this person, her end goal is likely to still have this friend. Yep. Likely to still have a friendship for life. but also like we do with the people that are closest to us.

I think sometimes it's easier to do this with you. your partners, the people that you're married to or your boyfriend or your girlfriend or your partner or whoever it might be, where you're sort of like, you kind of attack them a little bit more where you're like, I don't like the way you speak to me or like you ignore them or whatever.

With girlfriends, it's harder to be direct. With friends, it's [00:10:00] harder to be direct. So, but I think there's so much 

Kit: benefit in doing so. There really is. And those relationships. Will blossom. And also, They matter so much, like when you just look at your life and what's important and who's in it. So, Clara, that's going to work out.

Listen to Harper. Do what Harper said. And you, baby girl. No, I like that. I've learned so much. 

Harper: Alright my love, here we go, another one. Ready? 

START REEL 3

Harper: Okay, Dear the Coop. You all have spoken about that your kids are applying to college right now. Me too. This has been so stressful. My child applied to several competitive colleges and I'm trying to be supportive during the waiting process, which is like right now, how do I manage this time without stressing them out?

Kit: First of all, 

Harper: uh, 

Kit: oh, Harper and I are in the thick of it with this. I'm a little ahead of you in that. I have two that are already one that's graduated college one in any advice to parent. I have out there would be take a deep breath. They land where they're [00:11:00] supposed to land. And that is the best advice.

So by my third kid, I didn't do a tutor. I didn't do an outside person to come in to help with everything. I just sat with him and we applied and it was actually a wonderful process. And he got into his, the school that he wants to go to. So kind of loosen the grip, loosen the grip. They're already feeling so much better.

And they land where they're supposed to. Now that said, Harper and I have been on the other side. There's a lot of emotion because you want them, you want this for them. So you want them to be happy. 

Harper: You want it to be something that they're excited about, that they're proud of. Okay. So for me, this was my first, right?

Versus this being your third. We did get supportive help. I mean, there's, we have counselors at school, which is great. But then I felt that the outside support that we got was really more for me to take it off your plate. Well, yes, for sure. But also to guide me, like I didn't, it is very stressful. and you know, I think kids are good at holding a lot.

but. You know, you sort of see it when they're stressed out too and 

Kit: we're putting that [00:12:00] on them. And the outside person, to your point, usually is wonderful because it's not you saying, Hey, let's work on this essay and it can make extra tension that you don't need. So let's another person sort of take that part off your plate.

Yeah. Which is great. Basically guys, I dropped the ball. Harper sent me the lady. She was already full. But that is truly 

Harper: what happened. No, no, no, no. Okay. Nothing 

Kit: of the sort. 

Harper: Nothing of the sort. 

END REEL 3 

Harper: But it was in a way. Well, it was helpful. Yes. Because And it doesn't have to be, an expensive thing. I do think Even if it's just someone to sort of help make sure the boxes are checked, make sure that the essays are sort of being worked on kind of when they need to be.

cause the inside counselor of the school is not going to do that. And so, you know, if you have a child who requires a little bit more executive functioning support, It could literally be like another college student. It could be, I don't think it has to be some like expert in the college space because I think what I found going through this for the first time, no one really knows anything.

Yeah. Literally. Yeah. 

Kit: It's a crapshoot by the way. And you can get into one school that is unbelievable. You had no chance of getting in and then get rejected from some [00:13:00] school that was a lock. So it is, it's a crazy game. And I feel like I've 

Harper: heard that all the time. The things you expect to happen don't necessarily happen.

And It really does work out, I think, the way that you want it to, with your child being your guide, right? they're the ones who know how they're feeling, they're the ones who feel a certain way about schools, and I do feel like that even it morphed a little bit. There were schools that, you know, my son was still going to apply to, that he ended up not applying to, because as he kind of got into it, he, um, 

Kit: do you need to stop?

I don't even remember what I was saying, um, 

Harper: that they land, that he didn't get it, yeah. I also think that our kids are our guides, in that I mean you know, my son had a bunch of schools on his list. I mean, he applied to a lot of schools, which I think more kids are doing these days. the common app makes that easier, but then there's all these supplemental essays and it is exponential work.

But for him, there was schools that he was going to apply to even far down the road in terms of regular admission that as things started to shake, he didn't. So he was really our guide in terms of how do you want to still move through this? and are you okay?

Kit: And I just think back, I always try to keep things simple and Bug is so helpful with this, my mom. Like back when we applied to colleges, Harper, it was not this. The pressure that these kids are under, that we're putting on them, that society is putting them on them, that the internet, whatever, the social media is putting on them.

So I always just try to deep breath. I really do. And my third has been a wonderful [00:14:00] example of that. It's been a home run and it's been, we were talking about it last night. I had a girlfriend in with her daughter visiting schools out here. And he said, he just talked about how he wasn't stressed one bit.

This is my little crowd. So I wasn't stressed at all. And it literally, I think we just sort of took a beat. We applied to some schools. We're going to see what's going to happen. We did some early action and just kind of sat with it. I don't know. And we didn't test either. We didn't, a lot of places are optional for SAT, ACT.

Right. And you hear from everybody, you got to have it. You got to have it. And I said to my third, I said, just for us, for where we were applying and what up, I said, bud, let's just, let's go with your grades and your school. That was another, element that we took out. And so, 

Harper: which is great. Yeah, it's not required.

I mean, you only use it if you need to. Um, but at this point and, but now you're sort of thinking about there's junior families right now, families who kids are juniors that are starting the process. They're starting to think about what their resume looks like and what they need to have and what they don't need to have.

And I don't know, I just think it's just, It's got to feel authentic to the kid. Obviously, some things need to be sort of blown up a little bit in terms of leadership stuff or [00:15:00] work or volunteering, but they don't have to start, have started a nonprofit. They don't have to have run their entire, cure cancer, run their school, you know, take care of their younger siblings.

It's, you know, Who they are and who they represent will ultimately find the 

Kit: school that's a fit for them. And to make any parent feel great about themselves, when my son was going to take the optional ACT through our high school, he left that morning late with a broken pencil and a calculator with no batteries.

And I said, this is what we call winning. This is the championship mindset, championship mindset right here. But I am going to get a hundred percent on this before you want to feel good about yourself. Just let that one sink in. 

Harper: You know, and he would, and I think he was okay at the end. He's like, mom, I'm not sure this is going to be my, my way in or literally walked out and 

Kit: I just started laughing.

I was like, 

Harper: yeah, 

Kit: go get them, buddy. Go get them. But 

Harper: all you, all you know, it's, it's, I think there's something perfect about that because that is your son and he [00:16:00] is so incredibly skilled in so many ways and he's brilliant and he has all the stuff and Quite honestly, had he taken a class or done something?

Of course, he would have done well on it, but he didn't need it and some kids don't need it They don't need that test in order to so not every kid needs to do everything is the point 

Kit: and you and I where we said They both got in to their first choice of schools. Yeah, that is a It's just, 

Harper: it's just, we're very lucky.

I feel very lucky about that. I do. and I'm so happy for both of them. And that's the other thing I was thinking about is, are there, when a lot of kids are doing the early decision earlier on in the year. So a lot of kids before Christmas knew where they were going to school. Not a lot. Actually, it's not fair.

I think it's, it's just like anything. It feels relative when kids are saying, I got in, I got in, I got in. It makes you feel like it's everybody, but it's not. It's actually a smaller percentage of the, these kids that actually know where they're going at that stage. And even still, our sons were thrilled for their sons when they were, they knew where 

Kit: they were going.

It was one of the best experiences. Feelings you and I talk about literally multiple times upstairs, my son would yell and scream. I'm like, what's going on? What's going on? He'd be like, Oh my God. So and so just got into UNC. Yes. So and so is going to Michigan. All these schools are getting theirs and they were genuinely over the moon happy when your son got into his school.

[00:17:00] I love how happy they are 

Harper: for their friends getting into all these great. And that's the lesson is. that's the purity of emotion around this time, how we might feel, not you and I, but just how parents might feel is when those, those bits of news start to come in, then it's, okay, well, mostly because my kid doesn't yet know where they're going and I want them to have sort of that moment, 

Kit: It goes back to Run your own race. Jealousy is a wasted emotion, right? So if you truly celebrate other's success, it all, it all works out in the end. It's just a great place to be. I do think, too, your kids feed off how you were feeling. Yes. So if you can give them that sense of calm. Remember the freaked out chicken that, um, The 

Harper: freaked out chicken.

That Tina Bryson was telling us about. So if you look in the, when the chickens, for those, for those of you don't follow 

Kit: us, listen to the freaked out chicken story. Yeah. Do you want to tell the story about the freaked out 

Harper: chickens? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So what Tina Bryson, Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, she's brilliant was telling us about, when people are in moments of a crisis, or anxiety type [00:18:00] of a situation.

they did a study with chickens and chickens don't really have a clear sense of self or others, other chickens. So when they basically did something to freak out all the chickens, whatever that was, and then they put, they had like a mirror down there. I mean, that'd be fascinating to set up this study. I want to just watch this.

It'd be incredible. I'm sure there's a video we could find. But what happened was when the freaked out chicken looked in the mirror, it saw another freaked out chicken and then it in turn responded and got more freaked out. So mirroring that versus looking around and the other chickens who weren't looking in mirrors.

Got calmer faster. Yeah, because they kind of were initially freaked up like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know what we're freaked out about. so the point is, is we can mirror that for our kids and not be freaked out chickens. 

Kit: And it's a huge process. Report back, your child will be, will land exactly where they're supposed to be.

Perfect. I love it. Me too. Okie dokie.

I'm going to skip that one for a second. 

Harper: Perfect. Thank you. Oh, just for this segment. Okay. Well that one took us 10 minutes. Okay, great. Okay. Good. Um, okay. This is, there's, 

Stella 

Harper: Stella from Nashville. Dear the Many high achieving women struggle with imposter syndrome.

Many high achieving women struggle with imposter syndrome. That's hard to say imposter syndrome, imposter syndrome, even when they've accomplished a lot kit. Did you ever experience that feeling and how did you deal with it? Nope, I don't even know what it is. I'm not trying to be funny. You don't know what it is?

No. You've never heard of imposter syndrome? 

Kit: I 

Harper: kind of 

Kit: have, but define 

Harper: what it is. imposter syndrome is when you, uh, I mean, I'm going to kind of botch it, but it's in essence when you, uh, You're being an imposter. So you've been put into a position to do something yet you don't either feel like you're qualified.

You don't feel like you're smart enough. You don't feel like you're whatever enough to be able to do the things. So you're sort of an imposter in your own body. And I think a lot of women who are accomplished, um, they're constantly put in a position where they are not exactly have all of the qualifications or checked all the be, where they are sitting.

So they have this underlying feeling of being an imposter in what they're doing. So they lose confidence because they're like, I'm not really qualified to do this, or I'm not supposed to be here right now. 

Kit: That's fascinating. I think I definitely have a fake it till you make it, but I never feel an insecurity about it.

I feel invigorated and I'm a naturally curious person. So this has been my whole life, right? For anybody that starts a new job or after college, what you're going to do, what's your path. We all leap in sort of to the deep end, but I never, go to that place of security. I go to back to the. winning the championship mindset.

How can I make this work for me? Right. So I, yeah, I don't think I've ever, felt like an imposter. Again, it's that authenticity. I think for me, what I found, one reason that I have a certain level of success is I'm just authentically myself. It's the only true gift I have to move forward in the business that I'm in.

Right. Because I'm not the, Tall beauty queen that they used to hire. I'm not the smartest one. I'm not the or whatever it's gonna be Let me rephrase that I think that I um, you just have to be authentically yourself and realize that's when you'll be your most Authentic and you might not be everybody's cup of tea, but you are your tea 

Harper: if you weren't doing what you were doing Right now, in your job, in your career specifically, what do you think you'd be doing?

Kit: I think I'd be a teacher. I think I'd be a teacher. Yeah. Oh, that's so cool. I've always wanted to do that. High school. Stop it. Yes. High school teacher. High school teacher? Yep. Oh, God. Well, mainly 

Harper: for the coaching. I love being around kids. And my oh God is, would be terrible.

really lucky to have you. The boys would enjoy every, every individual there would be like, 

Kit: because the girls, I mean, that would be incredible. I would love it. I'm so passionate about so many things and athletics, what it's done for me. So I think to be in a school environment, when I go back to my high school, Harper, and I smell the way it smells like the track and the cafeteria, I really, really love it.

So I could have seen myself. That's sort of the path I was going on. Yeah. and I wasn't really sure what subject that was going to teach. I wasn't sure about that yet, but I could just see myself being part of a team and building and being a mentor and really loving that. 

Harper: So when you were in college though, you studied communication, 

Kit: communication, but I was studying education 

Harper: and 

Kit: then, Julie Claire, my girlfriend, it's so funny how friends can change your life.

She was like, uh, no, we're going to go this route. And so I followed her journalism. So, yeah. I followed her and, the rest is history. And now they're inducting me into the Journalism Hall of Fame at University of North Carolina coming up. It's incredible. I know. So I think about where my path again, my dad always says, just be ready for change.

Just go with the flow of it. And I took that turn and then got road rules and then started the, the act of the hustle, the art of the hustle. Right. And the rest is history. 

Harper: Okay. But let's go back to you being a high school teacher. I wanted a whistle. I'll get you a whistle. I wanted a clipboard. What, okay.

So, and what would you coach? Would it be, would it just be like, would it be track? Would it be cross country? Would it be softball? Yeah. 

Kit: I kind of thought all of them, as many sports as they'd let me coach. I grew up playing 18, 000 sports. it's, I just don't have the time right now, but it would be, I love it.

And going to all of my kids sporting events, it's like my happy place. Oh my gosh, when I'm on the sideline, when I'm on the track, I'm at the field, when I'm in the gym. Oh, I just love it. You'd be incredible. A bunch of my high school guy friends on the side go back and help coach football. Right. And I just think that is so badass.

Yeah. Yeah. 

Harper: I, I think there's a way to do it. I mean, a lot of times, you know. practices after school and games or whatever. I mean, it's, it's impossible with your current schedule, but 

Kit: I would love it. And I recently, taught a couple or one, a couple, you know, me, I'm always adding. I recently taught one, lecture for the journalism school at Chapel Hill where I went to school.

Oh, yes. And it looks like they're going to try to parlay that where I might do some more classes for students out here. So So my kids are laughing. They're like, mom, you're not Matthew McConaughey. And I said, all right, all right, all right. Don't count me out just yet. So, but anyway, it felt so great to talk to these students about sort of my journey and where to go.

So I love that. What would you be doing? Harper? 

Harper: I don't know. 

Kit: I know what you would, you would be a psychologist. 

Harper: I think I would actually. so I took one class, at USC. I, that's how I, I didn't declare it, but when you go into USC, you sort of, you don't declare your major. Do you declare your major?

Okay. So I had chosen my major. it was psychology. I went to one class. It was like psychology one on one. It was a lecture hall of like 300 people. And I remember I sat in there and, someone had freaked me out and said like, this is like the, this The make or break class, you know, there's always like a class where they try to like, because everyone signs up for certain majors and they're like, it's literally the hardest class you will take in your four years.

And it was, I was a freshman and I'm, yeah, totally. Like I was like, I don't, I'm not down for that. So it was just like two, so many kids and, but, and I don't regret it. but I have thought many, many, many, many times of going back. Many times. To school. 

Kit: You have a natural gift for it. 

Harper: That's very 

Kit: nice. And so it's sort of funny how you think I have a gift for the other.

So for any listener, it's funny how your life will go different paths. Yeah. Because we definitely would be successful in those lanes. But we kind of use them in our life in other ways. 

Harper: So I think going back to the original question of imposter syndrome, no, you've never had it. 

Kit: I don't mean to sound bad with that.

No, no, no. I'm trying to sit. I love it. Yeah. 

Harper: Because you just. What do you have to lose? Yeah. Just go, just go, just go do it. Right. If they ultimately don't like you, whatever it is, the thing you're trying to do, then cool. This isn't for me. 

Kit: If it's not, that definitely 

Harper: happened to me. There was a, there was a time where I was working at doing some consulting and I worked on a project for like a year, different projects.

And there just, there wasn't a fit. and I was trying to, fit into something I wasn't meant to. and I felt it the whole time and I felt like an imposter. But I also know that I'm capable and I can get stuff done. But it also still wasn't the right fit. So I think that there's kind of a, where the rubber meets the road.

if you've really tried to do something and at some point it's really either you're not progressing, you're not growing or it's not growing alongside of you, whatever the opportunity is, then. It's not that you're an imposter, it's just not the right thing for you. I think it's the 

Kit: word imposter I don't like, right?

Yeah. The way they put that. It's negative. If they phrased it differently. I've definitely been in situations where it doesn't feel great. You're like, Ooh, this is, this is stretching me. Yeah. However, I truly look at everything as like a learning experience. Like, okay, what can I learn from this and where can I go next with it?

Harper: Yeah. So if it's not the right thing, get out. 

Kit: I don't really overthink stuff, you know this about me. I really don't. It's like, that's not working. Let me go to the next. It's so great. It's such a gift. I am truly wired for windshield. 

Harper: I am 

Kit: not rear view mirror. I just don't know. I'm not capable of it. I can't hold grudges because I forget and I just get happy again.

Like I truly move forward with things in my life. Not because I'm evolved. I'm just not. I'm just wired for forward. Yeah. It's awesome. Windshield. Yeah. I'm wired for windshield. Windshield. I know. Windshield. That rear view mirror is so tiny so I don't spend much time up there. Oh, so you love that. Yeah, that's great.

I'm just windshield. I'm just going forward. I love it. 

Harper: That's amazing. Okay. I don't even know who asked us that question. Oh, Stella. Thanks, Stella. Thanks, Stella. Thanks, Stella. We wandered far, far away from that. okay. Okay. 

END STELLA

Harper: This is our last one.

START REEL 5

Harper: Okay. Dear the coop. My daughter's in seventh grade and it fe My daughter is in seventh grade and it feels like middle school is the worst. There are mean girls everywhere and some days [00:19:00] she's fine, but other days she's a mess. How do I support her through this challenging time without trying to fix everything?

And how can I help build her confidence and resilience in the midst of all that middle school drama? 

Kit: First of all, do we not feel her? I just want to say, I don't feel like I grew up as much like this with the mean girl stuff. I think it has a lot to do with social media that you can be nasty, behind closed doors and you can see what other people are up to and feel left out.

So we didn't grow up like that. And what you and I have witnessed and I've seen like, whoa, middle school is not for the faint of heart. I did a great thing though. in middle school. I think Harper that I love that I want to share with everybody. So I'm glad she asked this question. 

Harper: When you were in middle school or when your kids were?

Kit: My daughters were in middle school. They're a year apart. So my daughters were in middle school and I started to notice when I would pick them up on a Friday, especially Sometimes there'd be other kids coming in the car. Sometimes they were going off for a play date or whatever. And then some days there was nothing.

And so I learned to not [00:20:00] ask, first of all, don't ever ask if they had plans. Because I feel like if they don't, then they feel weird. And I made a conscious decision. decision to stay in every Friday night. I didn't make a big deal about it and I would just make a big dinner and put a movie on if it was the weather called for it a fire and just made it so even we were just around my husband and I, we weren't in their space, but they could join us if they wanted.

And I think it created this space where if they came home and didn't have plans, it was no big deal. We were effortlessly there. And I really think looking back, it made a difference in their lives. Something different was on that Friday. Leaving school. Right? So if all your girlfriend group went off without you, so what?

You were coming home and hanging with mom and dad, but not in a forced way. In that calm way. Cause that's how I grew up. Well, 

Harper: then they have their people around them. They get their people around. Yeah. 

Kit: I grew up 

Harper: loving 

Kit: being with my mom, dad, and brother effortlessly all the time. So it was such a safe space that I just wanted to make a decision that they always knew that that was there and not in a way that was like, Oh, mom and dad are sacrificing not going out.

And it just, I don't know. I loved it. You and I talked about this. Did you [00:21:00] ever do that? 

Harper: it was such, it was beautiful advice. It was sort of, at a time when, yeah, it would have, it, it, let me say this differently. I remember when we talked about that and it, it was, you know, at every point in our children's lives, there's a moment where.

things feel amazing and there's a point where they maybe don't feel amazing. And so I always did have that in the back during that time when we were talking about it, I thought about that all the time and work home a lot of times on Fridays anyway, but the difference was making a point of it and not making plans on Friday.

during that period of time. And truth be told, our kids didn't hang out with us on those Fridays. They were around. but the bigger thing that I really remember is I stopped asking if they had plans. Yes. because it's just. It does, it puts a different level of pressure on a situation that already has pressure.

Yes. but I do remember the other thing that you told me, and I think you did this with, I don't know, which of the girls you did this with, but, where you had like, you had a party and you just, meaning like you just invited a few girls over and you said, Hey, you know, we're going to invite so and so and so and so, and you just let them take over the kitchen and just make like a big old mess of your house.

Yes. And. That was sort of a launching [00:22:00] place, too, of trying not to get involved, but also sort of saying, well, let's just, why don't we, let's just do this little thing. And that, I think, was really helpful. It changed everything. 

Kit: That's when we moved out to California, and then we switched schools, so my girls were the new girls in a school that started from kindergarten.

These kids have been together forever. And here comes these two. Two new girls from the East Coast. And I remember my middle daughter, Hayes, was just sort of like, Hey mom, I just, everybody's nice. I just don't know anybody yet. I forgot what grade she was in. So I said, let's have everybody over to the house.

It was a Friday and uh, they were into cake baking. Y'all the way they trashed that kitchen and I was here for all of it. There was blue dye and frosting and cake mix and batter stuff going and they made cakes and they were running around. The music going, I love tunes. It just made a fun environment. But for any mom, especially if girls out there, gosh, middle school is really tough.

It's really tough. And 

Harper: hormonally. And 

Kit: hormonally. So much going on. 

END REEL 5

Kit: Yeah. I also want to say when you're in the house, sorry, I didn't mean to jump in. Yeah, you 

Harper: should. 

Kit: It's, even if they're up in their room, they know you're there. It's very different [00:23:00] than them being alone in a house. I don't know. It's just a feeling.

I agree. With me. Totally agree. They don't even have to come out of that room. But they knew that we were down there watching a movie or making dinner. Yeah. Maybe there's music going. That feeling of safety, I think, is so key. 

Harper: Yeah. So, it's just sort of having consistency of environment for them, and the safe, space if they want it.

And otherwise we all know these things pass. The hardest moments pass as, as do the best moments. I remember when we had kids, there was some book that I had read that, I think it was around sleep training, but it was, at any point in time when you have your child, uh, in their adolescence or as they grow older, The hardest moments, they pass, and as do the most glorious, right?

So you sort of have to just be in it and know that when it feels hard, it's not going to be hard forever. Yeah. And to tell them that too. Tell 

Kit: them that, because when they're in it, and for anybody listening, you and I know, it's like, Yeah. When they're hurting. Oh, it's just a tenfold like that. That's your little heart out there walking around.

So Yeah, I have that's the only thing [00:24:00] that spirals me in my life if one of my three chickens Isn't great at that moment. Yeah, it really affects me Everybody asked me do you get stressed at work or this or that? No, none 

Harper: of that 

Kit: bothers me. I can go live at the Super Bowl I can do it like none of that bothers me and If one of my chickens is off centered, it haunts me until I get it, till we get everybody back to center.

Harper: But 

Kit: you guys 

Harper: all talk a lot, right? But I think girls in middle school don't talk a lot also. Like they sometimes can be super talkative and then like not, not speak at all. So when they go quiet is the time that I get, I get the most antsy. Yes. And I guess that's the time to be more as consistent. As 

Kit: consistent.

I'm here. Hey, do you need anything? Also, I think that kids, there's a feeling when they know they're your priority. It doesn't mean to helicopter parent, it doesn't mean that, but there's just a feeling. Hence the Friday night, you're just there. You're present for them and it's something that's not hard to do and, uh, I think it just serves you well in the, in the long run.

Right? It doesn't mean you don't work. It doesn't mean you're here. It's just, they know that they're my people, you know? [00:25:00] Absolutely. Absolutely. And I love that. 

Harper: The only other thing that I have thought about before, and I've certainly talked to both of my kids about that, and I remember having my own really difficult time in middle school too.

I changed schools also in ninth grade, and that was What 

Kit: happened? What did they mean to you? 

Harper: Oh, awful. 

Kit: Awful. Awful. Oh, I think you and I discussed this. Awful. I am 

Harper: mad at those girls. Awful. It wasn't, it wasn't great. Um, and there was some, some reputation that I wasn't a nice person and that I was a bitch and whatever before I even showed up and I didn't know anybody and I don't think I was.

Uh, the furthest thing. So, but that was hard. Anyway, but I remember, and it took a full year before really most people would talk to me, which is a long time. Um, But I remember, again, hindsight is 20 20. There is something sometimes about looking back and, reflecting that I've spoken to my kids about, which is if you just show up as yourself every day, even if you don't quite know, even they don't, may not know who they are, but, you know, it's pure you shows up every single day.

It will change. It will work out. You will find your people. the worlds will collide in a really beautiful way. If you try [00:26:00] to be someone else, or if you try to show up and, represent a group that you're really not a part of or whatever, it doesn't, it doesn't work. My, my kids really haven't done that, but I know for me, I just showed up every day, I mean, head high, as high as I could, and, you know, some of my closest friends in the world ended up, actually were some of those girls who weren't so kind to me, but that's because that was their moment of learning, like we all had a moment of learning.

We all learn. It's all such a learning curve. 

Kit: I always say to my kids too, we always talk about, kindness and the word is so, it's gotten kind of dippy. You hear it over and over again. We always hear the word kind, and I always say to my kids back in school, like, of course I want you to be the nice person and, and try your best to be inclusive with everybody, but I want you to step it up even more.

I want you to try to be the one that makes a difference in somebody else's life. So the person that they are being mean to, you step up for that person. The person who's sitting alone, I want you to be the one that's brave enough to stand up in the group and say, no, we haven't even met this girl, let's give Harper a chance.

That's important to me. It's not just the one, don't be the sheep. Do not be a sheep. So I don't know if it's or freaked out chicken or freaked out chicken. Oh gosh. All [00:27:00] right. Well, thanks for the letters, everybody. Keep them coming. Harper and I are having a ball with this. Let us know if you like it better.

We have our coffee or a wine. I think we might be better over coffee, but we sure are fun with the wine. 

Harper: Interesting. Um, it's hard to know where my natural, uh, looser status. I'm more, I'm more alert now. More 

Kit: alert. Yeah. All right. Thank y'all so much. Have a great day and keep checking in with the coop.  That was good.

Harper: Great. Perfect. That was so fun. 10 1053. That was 29.