ABGW podcast features extra episodes designed to answer your questions about trauma recovery
>> Cheryl: Have you ever found yourself walking on eggshells around someone in your life, absolutely dreading every conversation for fear it sets off a volcano? How can we tread these volatile paths without causing an eruption? Hello, everyone, and welcome to ABGW podcast. Amazing, brilliant, gorgeous, wonderful. Where we redefine trauma recovery from struggle to strength. And today we have the rapid rockets episode. These are extra episodes designed to answer your questions about the ultimate guide to building emotional resilience and insights for trauma sufferers. Now, the thing is, with these episodes, they're all about helping you take actionable steps right now so that you're working smarter and definitely not harder. Today's episode is more than just a conversation. It's about those stepping stones that will lead you towards a life building of empowerment and healing. And if you're ready to take and embrace those things, that's fine, stick around. But if you're not, that's okay, because it's all about you taking your recovery the way that you want to. For those sticking around, let's explore how we can turn struggles into strengths. As before, most of these questions are from where you guys have reached out to us on Facebook and Instagram. Some are private messages that have been left. But the thing is, what we've tried to do is include stuff so that you can take action right now. So let's dive straight in.
How can you effectively communicate with difficult people? ABGW shares advice
Without any further ado, this episode of ABGW is brought to you by her guru, exploring the potential within. Her guru provides both physical and mental fitness coaching. You can find out more details at herguru UK.
>> Nyah: How can I effectively communicate with difficult people?
>> Cheryl: Okay, so one of the most effective ways, I think, to deal with these people, um, if I can put it that way, is to give them the benefit of the doubt. You know what it's like when you're trying to understand why they're acting with what you perceive as being difficult. Just remember that you can be difficult, too. So if you start from that place, that place of trying to understand, to me, you're starting from the right place. And I wonder if it could be that, uh, maybe they're having a bad day or there's some other issue in their life. So I would invite you to continue remaining calm and kind. And even if they are being difficult, just allowing yourself to afford them the patience that you would want for yourself. Because to me, that will be appreciated by the other person, even if not right then at that moment. But when they have time to reflect, it will be easier for them to understand where you're coming from. Another approach, I think, is to do what they call active listening to their concerns and frustrations. And when I say active listening, I'm not talking about the, uh, communication skills that you read in books. I'm talking about the active listening, where you are present with that person and you are listening to understand not just what the words they are saying, but how they are conveying. So you're looking at their body language as well, to see, to get an idea of what's going on in their mind. Because people show you all the time who they are, really. And we've got so used to this, just listening to what people say. No, people tell us all the time what's going on for them. So I think by giving them that chance to express themselves, you can show them that their opinions and their feelings are being, uh, heard and acknowledged. And, um, that's cool because it allows that space to help diffuse any tension, and it also opens up more space for constructive dialogue. And the thing is, you can easily find common ground or shared interests with difficult people. You can. By continuing to focus on areas of agreement, you naturally build up rapport and you just create a more positive atmosphere for communication. And, uh, that can naturally bridge the gap between you and that person, making it easier to find common solutions and even compromises. Lastly, it's important to set clear boundaries when dealing with difficult people. Actually, when dealing with any kind of person, while it's important to remain patient and understanding, it's equally crucial to be assertive so that you're clear about what your own needs and values are. Um, I think that's one of the things we tend to forget these days, that people should be just allowed to behave the way that they want to without any affording you any courtesy. And I think the least you can do is be assertive and say, these are my boundaries. Because when you do that, that can help establish a sense of respect and ensure that difficult people understand the boundaries of their behavior. So I would encourage you, when communicating with people, regardless of who they are, to use a combination of empathy, um, active listening, finding common ground, and setting boundaries. And by doing that, um, in these interactions with that patience and compassion and understanding that you have, you can create a more harmonious and productive environment for communication. In the future, you.
It's important to set boundaries when dealing with difficult family members
>> Nyah: What should I focus on when dealing with a difficult family member?
>> Cheryl: The dreaded family event. The thing is, everybody in families have people that they don't get on with some of the time. And if you have a family, anything like mine, that is most of the time. But the thing is you have to focus on the positive aspects of people as, uh, they're always going to be in your life. So try to develop that positive relationship, even if they're being difficult. People always have some good qualities. Spend time focusing and enhancing those positive aspects. Um, and if you have to employ some skull duggery to get that done, uh, as long as you're not hurting anyone, do that. If they are a narcissist and you need to flatter them. Flatter them. Uh, to me, I just believe that you should just be flexible. And when you focus on those good qualities, um, of course it's important to set boundaries when dealing with people. Of course. But recognizing what behaviors and situations trigger their negativity or their propensity to conflict is important because once you establish care limits and you make sure that you're protecting your emotional well being, and this could mean limiting the amount of time that you spend with them or avoiding certain topics of conversation that tend to lead to arguments. But the thing is, you have the right to set boundaries. And when you do that, when you take control of the situation, by setting those boundaries, you're ensuring that your own mental health is not compromised. The thing is, that's what I see people do often they'll be in a situation and they feel obliged to put up with rubbish and, um, no, you're not obliged to put up with crap. Even if this person is an elderly family, you don't have to do it. You have to be respectful, but you don't have to put up with it. So to me, it's important that as hard as it is, practice empathy and understanding. Um, and while that may be challenging, try to put yourself in their shoes. Because the thing is, you know, a lot of the time, what the issues that they may have been going through and why are they behaving the way that they do, and perhaps they're dealing with their own struggles or unresolved, uh, issues that you're not aware of. So I would invite you to approach the situation with empathy and try to build some common ground and build a more compassionate connection. I'm thinking of situation that I've had with my family and a lot of them. I'll be honest with you, I haven't spoken to them for years because I couldn't bear to be even in the same room as them. That's how much I dislike them. But what I've learned as I've got older is that we now have children. I'm a grandmother myself, and, uh, I might need my family in the future. And even if I don't need them right now, uh, my children and my grandchildren might need them. So to me, it's about understanding the dynamics of family so that you have those insights into how to best to deal with them in those situations and how to navigate those difficult family dynamics in a way that always maintains your emotional well being. And remember, you don't have to face these challenges alone. You can seek support from friends and family. Um, and like I said, it's always important to set boundaries when dealing with difficult family members or anyone. Just recognize your own limits. Um, don't be afraid to say, this is what I can cope with, and this is what I'm going to do. Don't let other people tell you what your level of tolerance is. You decide what your level of tolerance is. Communicate those boundaries assertively, but respectfully, making it known that you expect to be treated with respect and with kindness. And the thing is, by setting those boundaries, you're taking control of the situation. And, um, you're coming from a position of authority in your own life by protecting your own mental well being. And, um, the other aspect to consider is that when you practice empathy and understanding, you're putting yourself in that person's shoes. And understanding, trying to understand the underlying reasons for their behavior. Sometimes people, you know it yourself, they're going through some shit, man. Do you know what I mean? But they don't always convey it in a way that is conducive to good relations. But by approaching them, or trying to at least approach them with empathy, you create an environment that encourages that open dialogue. And the thing is, when you create that environment, people are more likely to open up and to do the right thing and let you know what is going on for them. So, take time for yourself to engage in activities that give you joy and relaxation, so that when you're then put in a situation where you're having to deal with, um, difficult family members, you already have some built in resilience. But always remember to take care of your own mental and emotional well being because it's crucial for maintaining a healthy perspective when dealing with difficult family dynamics. So remember self compassion first. Build the resilience that you need. Make sure that you're doing all the right things to maintain the joy in your life so that when you do come up with into these situations, you've already got your force field ready.
>> Nyah: How can I avoid escalating situations with difficult people?
>> Cheryl: Okay, let's state the obvious here. Avoid pointing the finger. I hate when people point the finger at me or placing blame for difficult situations. The thing is, we have to just adopt that mentality that neither of you are to blame for the problem. You're just putting yourself automatically in a more creative space to help yourself gain some peace and clarity about the situation. So try not to fight the other person, but at the same time expressing your opinions. Um, or at least allowing yourself to express your opinion without resorting to that typical personal attack. The thing is, I grew up very self conscious about how I looked. And the thing is, people used to always take the mickey out of me, and I used to rise to it, I have to admit that. But as I've got older, I've realized that it's better to create a space that is more respectful and appreciate that people lash out when they're going through stuff. I know it makes no sense. It's almost like a wounded bear. They're more dangerous when they're wounded. People do that, they lash out. And you have to remember that to practice empathy and compassion and try and put yourself in the other person's shoes. Uh, is that always going to be easy? Hell no, it's not. But the thing is, you have to be the bigger person. You have to be more understanding and patient to make sure that things don't escalate. You have to take that responsibility, but you also have to let the difficult person know that their behavior is not acceptable. But you also have to tell them what is acceptable. And by doing that, you're establishing those limits. You're setting expectations. And that way you are going to reduce the opportunity for conflict. And my biggest tip is, remember that when you're dealing with difficult people, it's going to be emotionally draining. So you need to make sure that you prioritize your self care and engage in activities that help you relax and recharge. Exercise, spending time with loved ones, making sure you're taking care of your own well being to ensure that you can approach challenging situations with a more clear and composed mindset. So one of the things I always do, if I know that I'm going to be in a situation that's going to be challenging for me, I always make sure that I block off time in my calendar, uh, after that event, as close to after that event as I can reasonably do for r and R. Because the thing is, you know, it's going to be a challenging situation. If you're going into another challenging situation, you would block off time for rest and relaxation after that. So do that. If you know you're going to meet family and that they're likely to be, um, difficult. Block off time. You're going to the christening. I mean, I'm going to a christening in a few weeks with my family. And I know they're difficult. They are. They are just difficult. So I'm going to block off time in my calendar the day after the evening after the evening after the event and the next day where I don't plan anything and it's just pure rnr so that I can mentally recuperate and get my resilience back up. Amazing, brilliant, gorgeous, wonderful. Helping women just like you who are unhappy, perhaps even with your supposedly quote, unquote good life. This is a mum and daughter duo, not, uh, pulling any punches as we explore trauma recovery and ideas for building resilience so you work smarter and definitely not harder to create a transformational life, a life you love more often than not, you.
How can humor help in dealing with difficult people? Do you know something
>> Nyah: How can humor help in dealing with difficult people?
>> Cheryl: Do you know something? To me, humor is the most disarming tool that we have in our toolbox for dealing with difficult people, because it helps people just be more relaxed and more open to finding a more positive solution to the situation. And you might have experienced difficult situations before that, at the time, seemed, huh, troublesome, but later it turned out that they were quite humorous. And you share that story with your friends. So I would always encourage you to use humor as a way of diffusing situations and breaking down barriers and allowing people to see the lighter side of things. Of course, when we're dealing with difficult people, injecting that dose of humor can shift the dynamic in such a cool way from confrontation to collaboration. I think of people that I've dealt with in the past who I deemed were difficult. And the thing is, I've said to myself, how can I inject humor into this? What are some of the things that I know they like or they love? And I've used that to segue into the humor, because for me, using humor in these situations just diffuses the hostility that sometimes people have. They come ready for a fight and you disarm them with your humor and they go, oh, it's not so bad. It's not so bad dealing with Cheryl. I think I can deal with this. And it also kind of allows individuals to step back from their fortress and gain a bit more perspective on the situation. And then that way, they realize that everything doesn't need to be taken so seriously. And the thing is, you know how it is. Humor creates that common ground, making it easier to find common solutions and working towards a resolution that benefits everyone. And it's such a powerful tool for building rapport and establish connection with difficult people. I remember situations in the past where I've been at work, and there have been issues between teams, and I've just sat down with someone and I've listened to them and been able to explain a situation from their point of view. And that's helped to break down those walls and create a more positive and productive environment for us to solve problems in. And many of those people have later become friends. To me, it's just such a cool way of taking the angst that sometimes people have, but oftentimes they don't even know why they have it. And then just using humor as a way to segue in, just find that easy path in. And that way, humor can allow you to be that. You can use humor as a valuable asset for dealing with those difficult people because what are you doing? You're easing attention, you're diffusing hostility, and you're building rapport. And by finding that funny side of the situation, you can navigate treacherous waters and gain potentially more common ground with greater ease. So, the next time that you're dealing with someone who you may perceive as difficult, don't be afraid to bring some laughter to the mix. And mix it up a little. What m should I do if I?
>> Nyah: Can't resolve issues with a difficult person?
>> Cheryl: So I always say to people, focus on what you can change in the situation. I mean, if you're dealing, ah, with a problem at work, um, mediation is often the best way to sort things out, being able to explain the situation. Do you know something? It's really interesting, because that reminds me, that's how lawyers work when they go into court, criminal lawyers, what they do, well, that's what my understanding is, what they do. They get the other person's arguments, and they understand them fully so that they can create the counterargument to present your case. So that's what I would say. Try and see it from the other person's point of view, what the issue is. Understand it from their point of view. So that when you go into mediation, you already have a true understanding of what's going on for them, and that way, you can mitigate a lot of the issues that way. However, it's also important to understand that there are some things that you aren't able to change. And accepting that a person may always cause you difficulty can help you, I think, deal with them in a, uh, much better way. And in some cases, you just have to set clear boundaries with people so that they know where they can take it with you, a bit like dealing with a child. I know a lot of parents think it's fashionable to be just friends with their children right now, but to me, it's really important that children understand where the boundary lies. Um, and it's the same with difficult people, I suppose you just have to treat them in some respect like children, and set those boundaries. But the thing is, when you do that, I think, um, you avoid all those unnecessary conversations that you have to have with people. So try your best to understand where they're coming from. But by focusing on what you can control, you protect your well-being, and you can maintain a productive work environment. Another strategy is to just practice empathy and try to understand the perspective of those dealing with those people. Sometimes people behave in the most challenging ways. I mean, dude, I've seen people do some really strange things because they're going through some personal, um, struggle, or trying to deal with personal past experiences. But I would invite you to try and see things from their point of view. People have gone through some trauma, man. And if you can gain an insight into their behavior and find more effective ways of dealing with them, um, that doesn't mean that you have to condol or accept their negative actions. No, I'm saying come with it from, uh, a compassionate mindset. And the thing is, if all else fails and the situation does become unbearable, then you need to take it higher. You need to get external help, and that could involve talking to a supervisor or your HR representative, or seeking professional help from a therapist or mediator. Because at the end of the day, potential solutions to help you navigate these difficult people around you need to be found. And remember, it's important to prioritize, number one, your own well being and mental health. Cheryl says, number one thing is your mental health. So seek assistance in a proactive way to make sure that you're in a healthy work and personal environment. Like I said, your mental health comes first. Uh, you.
>> Nyah: How can others help me in dealing with difficult people?
>> Cheryl: You might find someone who has gone through a similar situation. Ask them how they handle that problem. I think people sometimes try, and I've been guilty of it myself, we try and reinvent the wheel. The thing is, just by asking someone else how they handle that problem, they may be able to show you exactly how to take a different approach from the one that you've been taking. The thing is, you never know what valuable advice someone else may be able to give you. Uh, another way other people can help you deal with difficult people is by providing you that emotional support. Because sometimes simply having just someone else to talk to and vent your frustrations can make the world of difference. I don't understand this mindset that some people have that uh, you're not allowed to be frustrated. You are allowed to be frustrated. It's about what you do with that frustration, I think, so that it's not tent up inside you all the time. You have to be able to vent it. You have to be able to let off steam in a controlled way, a bit like a pressure cooker, so it doesn't build up. And the thing is, that person, they can provide a listening air and offer words of encouragement and empathy, which is going to help you feel validated and understood. A lot of the time when conflict, um, arises, it's because people don't feel understood. And I would invite you to help people feel understood because that way you're in a better position to deal with any issues that may arise. And for them and for you. And um, the thing is, they may be able to offer you a fresh perspective on the situation, helping you to see things from a different angle, a different perspective. And when you do that, alternative solutions, they just pop into your head. If you're looking at it from a different perspective. Of course you can seek professional, ah, help where you think it might be beneficial to you. Um, but the other thing that you might want to think about is allowing yourself to learn from these experiences. Um, allow them to help teach you more effective communication techniques and help you develop healthier boundaries. So what I would say to you is speak to someone. Their expertise, their support will help you find constructive ways of managing the interactions that you may have with difficult people, minimizing that stress and promoting self growth.
Of course you need to practice self care when dealing with difficult people
Of course you need to practice self care. That is absolutely essential with dealing with difficult people. Take care of your physical, your mental, your emotional and your spiritual well being so that you build up the resilience and, uh, maintain that positive mindset. Come on now. You need to engage, I'm telling you, Cheryl's telling you now. You need to make sure that you are engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. You're not just running from, uh, meeting to meeting, running from work to pick up the kids or do the laundry. You need to create space in your life so that you can have joy and relaxation. Whether that's exercising, meditating, spending time with your loved ones, going for walks, just doing things that you love so that you have the strength that uh, inner fortitude so that you can set boundaries, you can prioritize your self care, and you can empower yourself to assertively protect your well being, ensuring that you have the energy and that emotional capacity to deal with challenging individuals in a way that's effective and mean that you can live with your actions in the days and weeks ahead. So, hopefully we've calmed down those eruptions. So thank you for joining us on ABGW podcast. Amazing, brilliant, gorgeous, wonderful. Where we hope you found these art tools useful and inspirational. Now remember, your presence and participation is truly, truly valued, so stay tuned for more empowering content. And remember, your journey towards resilience is a masterpiece in the making. So I invite you to embrace every step with open, um, arms and let your stories shine through each actionable step, no matter how small. Remember, we always love to hear from you, so maybe leave us a comment on Facebook and Instagram, let us know what you think, and even something that you might want us to talk about. But, uh, either way, I would like to say bye for now.