What Is A Man?

This week on the Manhood Tribes show, we discuss the confusion surrounding manhood and masculinity in modern Western culture. We propose returning to simplicity and clarity in understanding what it means to be a man. We talk about the 5 Marks of Manhood—strength, courage, skill, honor, and allegiance—as traits all men should possess and improve upon. These traits are presented as morally neutral, essential for demonstrating manhood but not necessarily making one a 'good' man. We also emphasize the importance of relationships, particularly with other men, for cultivating these traits and becoming an extraordinary man. The series aims to provide clarity around manhood and offer ways for men to challenge themselves and grow in each of these areas.

00:00 The Complexity of Modern Manhood
00:46 Welcome to the Manhood Tribes Show
01:53 Addressing the Cultural Confusion Around Manhood
02:03 Biological vs. Existential Perspectives on Manhood
04:20 Personal Journey: From College to Questioning Manhood
06:14 Rejecting Cultural Stereotypes of Manhood
09:36 Exploring Roles, Virtues, and the Essence of Manhood
13:03 Introducing the 5 Marks of Manhood
15:05 Deep Dive into the 5 Marks: Strength and Courage
17:39 Skill, Honor, and Allegiance: Completing the 5 Marks
23:51 Improving Manhood: Challenges and Growth

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Transcript

Don Ross: 0:01

A friend recently told me that his college age son was applying to college and on the application where it asked him to select his gender, there were 30 different options. And one of them wasn't male. Now. Does being a man really have to be this complicated. I don't think that it does, but it's time that we talk about it. Let's dive in. All right, man. Welcome to the manhood tribes show. My name is Don Ross. I'm your host. And I am so glad that you are here joining in today because we are going to talk about what we really need to talk about. If we're going to do a show about manhood, we're just going to simply try to answer the question. What is a man? Now the fact that we even have to ask that question, just reveals that our culture is in a really wonky place when it comes to the whole idea of gender and manhood and masculinity. And there is so much confusion around that topic right now. We want to try to bring some clarity to it, some simplicity, and to just kind of return to the idea that being a man really shouldn't be this confusing. It really shouldn't be this complicated. Half of the world's population has done it for most of history without much problem. It's really only been kind of recently in our modern era, in the west. That we have had so much confusion over the idea of what it means to be a man. So we want to try to bring some clarity to that today. But let me just say there's, there's really kind of two things going on in our culture. And I want to make it clear what it is that we're trying to address today. Okay. At one level of our culture, there's really kind of this wrestling over what is it to actually be a man that has to do with the whole idea of gender? Like. The biological, psychological idea of gender and, you know, Like, those are the kinds of things that we would think kind of simply boil down to just like. You have a penis. And so that means that you're a man, like it ought to be that basic, but it really isn't in our culture right now. And I want to say that's actually not the part of the debate that we want to try to address, frankly, because it really is just as simple as. Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina. Okay. We're just back to biology 1 0 1 and let's get it straight. So we're going to kind of set that side of the debate aside. Because what I want to focus on is the other side of the debate, which is more existential, kind of the idea of what does it mean to be a man. And this is the more, uh, Kind of like internal idea of, okay. I get what it means to be male. And as I get older as a male, that in some sense makes me a man, but what does it really mean to be a man in the weighty sense of the term? How do I know that I am a man as compared to a boy? Or how do I know that I am a man as compared to anything that would be less than that? How do I know that I am worthy of the word, man? How do I know that that is actually something that belongs to me. And this is, I think the thing that most men are wrestling with, some men are wrestling with that kind of first half of the debate of really like the biological side of what does it, you know, what's the gender male really all about. And if that's you, Hey, I want to be empathetic to that. I understand that that is super confusing in our culture right now. And if you are wrestling with that, Uh, I understand that that's a real struggle, so I don't want to belittle it because I know there are many of you guys out there that are wrestling with that, but I think what far more men are really struggling with in our culture right now, that's even kind of harder to talk about for guys is. What does it mean to be a man? And how do I actually know if I am one? So I will say that as a man, I went through this very same struggle in my early twenties. So I remember graduating from college and kind of launching out into the world, getting my first job. And just kind of being at a place in my life where I was sorta like, okay, I've followed the path. I've kind of done all of the steps, like, um, um, you know, launching into adulthood. But really the question kind of started to nag me almost. It just sort of popped up out of nowhere of like, am I a man? Like I've, I've done all the things that I'm supposed to do, but. Am I a man, like how would I know that I am one? What are, what are the markers at this point in my life that would actually tell me, yes, I've arrived at manhood and I'm deserving of the title. I didn't know. And I felt really confused and conflicted over the fact that I didn't know. And I think even at that stage in our culture, there were starting to be some confusion around that. Not nearly as much as there is now. But there is plenty, I think of angst within men over trying to really figure this idea out of what does it mean to be a man? And how do I know if I actually am one? How would we define what it means to be a man? And frankly, is it even definable? Can we really put a definition to the term in a way that makes sense and that people can agree upon. So here at manhood tribes, obviously. Uh, the show is called manhood tribes. We're going to talk about manhood and if we're going to do that, we need to have some clear ideas and clear thoughts around it. In order to be able to help you guys. To say with confidence. Yes, I am a man. Or here's how I know that I'm a man or here's how I'm growing and getting better as a man. All of those things are possible. So we do want to bring some clarity to it. But let's talk about some of the ways in which our culture does try to define manhood that we are going to reject. Okay. So let's talk about what being a man really isn't, and that may help us to get to a place where we can get some clarity around what it is. Now I'm going to say before I started into this, some of these definitions are bad and they're worthy of just rejecting out of hand. Some of these definitions, aren't so bad and they do get us kind of closer to the truth, but for our purposes here at manhood tribes, we're going to say, that's not the way that we want to go. I'm going to explain a little bit about what that means and why I'm making those choices so that I can help you kind of understand when we do get to some. Uh, some clear ideas, why we're going the way that we're going. Okay. But let's start in a place that I think is pretty, obviously not the route that we want to go. If you were to just get onto YouTube today and start asking YouTube some questions about what is a man or what does it mean to be a man? You are likely going to get a whole host of videos that are going to tell you that being a man has a lot to do with muscles. And money and sex, right? It really is about a lot of the things that our culture would kind of call toxic masculinity. It's about the chauvinistically kind of machismo side of manhood. That's really just about accumulating and grandizing yourself. So accumulating money, accumulating possessions. Accumulating a body count. Right. And that's what it's being called now to talk about how many people you've slept with. Uh, you know, accumulating all of these things and then doing all of the things to the buzzword now is to optimize yourself as a man. Right? And that, that essentially means some things like, you know, having the best body that you possibly can, you know, making sure that your biceps are huge, your abs are toned. You know, you've, you're rocking a six pack. Um, you've got the perfect kind of model style hair, you know, anything and everything to sort of optimize your look, but then to also optimize everything else about you, to whether that's your diet or your fitness or your sleep routine. Or your hormone levels or, you know, your, uh, supplement stack or whatever else it is that's going on in your world. All of those things are what it means to be a man. Look. Not all of those things are bad. There's certainly things there that are worth, uh, enjoying. And some of them that are really worth pursuing to try to be the best men that we possibly can be. But let's be really clear that none of those things are at the essence of what it means to be a man. Some of those things can and should be important, but they aren't really what a being a man is all about. Okay. So let's reject that out of hand and we definitely should reject the kind of toxic masculinity culture that does go along with that. That just says that being a man is kind of all about self-promotion and, and making, you know, making this kind of image of myself into being this like super cool machismo sort of guy. None of that is worth anybody's time. And, uh, anybody who's, not those YouTube burrs would watch those videos and probably be able to say, These guys are just a bunch of douchebags. Why am I paying attention to them? And that's really the case. Okay. So we're, we're not gonna follow them. We're not paying attention to that definition. We're going to look in some other places. But if you do go looking in some other places, you are likely to find some things that might actually sound a little bit more helpful. So you might find people who talk about being a man in terms of the roles that a man should fulfill. And when you look at these things, you're going to get ideas like being a protector, being a provider. Uh, being a procreator, right. In that sense, um, being a presider meaning kind of leading or even governing over whether that's a family or a community or whatever. Um, those things are part of a man's role. If you come from a church background, like I do, you might hear that a man's roles are really all about being a husband, being a father, being a leader in your family and in your community. Again. None of these things are bad. In fact, most of those things are really good. They are positive and affirming things that we can say about being a man. But I don't think that those things are really the essence of what it means to be a man. They are related to that, but they really are about the functions of a man. They aren't necessarily what it means to be a man. We need to get a little bit more closer to the essence of a man. And not just really kind of about the purpose of a man. In order to understand our idea of manhood. Okay. So you can look at it and in terms of roles, but that's not quite the direction that I want to go with it. Another way that people tend to look at manhood that I want to say is not bad, but also not the direction that I want to go in. I would be looking at manhood in terms of some ideas of what we would call virtues. Okay. This is stuff like character. Uh, character traits that we think are what make a man good. And these might be things like trustworthiness or integrity or chivalry, you know, anything like that that describes the loyalty of a man. Uh, you know, all of those things are really good. They are virtues that have been held up in most societies throughout the world throughout history. And they have been seen and proven to be really good things. They make a man good. They help him to be able to contribute and worthwhile ways, both to his closest relationships like his family. But also to his community as a whole. However, while all of that is good. What it doesn't tell us about is just simply how to be a man. It tells us how to be a good man. But it doesn't tell us how to be a man. It's really getting the cart before the horse. And again, as someone who comes from a church background, this is one of the ways that I think the church has really failed men. In terms of captivating the minds and the hearts of men in congregations. Is that we put forth a vision of what it means to be a good man without ever actually talking to men about what does it mean to be a man? How do we do that? And how do we do it? Well, A good man. Isn't just about being a loyal husband and a present and caring father. Although those things are fantastic. Men who are husbands and fathers should strive towards being those things. But that's not the essence again, of what it really means to be a man. Okay. So if we're not talking about roles and if we're not talking about virtues, What do we want to talk about when it comes to what it means to actually be a man? So here at manhood tribes, you're going to hear me talk about this a lot. I use what I call the 5 Marks of Manhood to help put some parameters around what it means to be a man. Now the 5 Marks of Manhood are what I would call traits. They aren't really virtues because they're not necessarily positive or negative things. They're just traits. They're characteristics of what has mostly been true of men throughout culture, throughout history, throughout most places in times. Whenever you see men. In those cultures, you're likely to see these traits kind of clumped together around what it looked like to be a man and all of those places. Now there may have been some other things. In addition to the five that I'm going to name a in certain places and at certain times, but these five have tended to be pretty universal and almost all cultures and times throughout history. So what are those 5 Marks of Manhood? Are you ready? Here we go. The 5 Marks of Manhood. Our strength, courage skill. Honor and allegiance. Okay, let me say them again. One more time. The 5 Marks of Manhood are strength, courage, skill. Honor. And allegiance. I believe that these five traits are things that all men should possess in order to demonstrate what it means to be a man. These are the ways that men show what being a man really is all about. They are the things that you should possess as a man, and they are things that you should be growing and getting better at over the course of your time as a man. So let's talk about them just briefly right now, but in future episodes, we're going to take a deep dive into each one of the 5 Marks of Manhood and really expound on it more significantly so that you guys can get a picture of what are those things look like and how. How do I grow and get better at each of them. Okay. But let's start with just the basic first one, which is strength. And really, I think strength is kind of the foundational mark of what it means to be a man. When we're talking about strength here at manhood triumphs. We're primarily talking about physical strength. So yes, there is such thing about, of mental strength of toughness of fortitude. And that's a good thing, but we're primarily going to be talking here about physical strength. It is the thing. I think that is the differentiator about what it means to be a man as compared to what it means to be a woman. Now both men and women can be strong, but men's bodies. Literally biologically are built for strength. It is one of the essential things that men in, almost every culture and civilization have offered to the world around them is their physical strength because our bodies are just made for it. That is how we are designed. That's how our frame, our musculature, our skeletons, everything about the way that we are wired and built is made for being able to have and to use and to offer stray. Strength to the world around us. So in order to really possess this characteristic of physical strength, men need to be working on it. This is something as a man that you need to be able to offer to the world around you. You should be able to just kind of basically go throughout your day, doing the normal things that you need to do and have enough strength to do all of those things without getting winded. Right? You need to possess that kind of strength as a man that sort of just like baseline, basic level strength. But you also need to be able to have the strength in order to be called upon for other kinds of exceptional activities, whether that's an emergency or just your friend, who's moving across town needs some help loading and unloading his furniture, you know, whatever that looks like. You need to be able to have the strength to do it. And that is part of the essence of what it means to be a man. The second one is courage. Courage is really just about facing our fears and moving towards them. It's not about not having fears because that's not realistically possible. Pretending to not have fears is one of those kinds of machismo things that, you know, teenage guys do and you tubers do. It's just not really a thing. All of us have fears and we need to acknowledge it. What makes you a man is not that you might be afraid of something it's that you're willing to move towards that fear and attempt to overcome it. Courage is at the heart of what it means to be a man. The third thing is skill. Every man needs to be counted on for some skills that he has, where he can contribute to the world around him. Now as all men kind of know the older that we get, and as we move into adulthood, we kind of have to become like Swiss army knives. We have to be a little bit of a Jack of all trades and know how to do a whole lot of things. You need to know how to be able to, uh, read a map, you know, need to know how to change a tire. You need to know how to shoot a free throw. You need to know how to grill a hamburger. You know, there's, there's lots and lots of skills that as men, it's just helpful for us to know how to do all of those kinds of things. But in addition to just kind of some general Jack of Jack of all trades knowledge, you also need to really hone your skills in some certain areas. So that you can contribute at more of an expert level in some ways, not in a lot of ways, but in a handful of ways you need some advanced knowledge and some advanced skill to be able to offer to the world. That's how you contribute value. And that's how you make the world better around you. Men need to possess and to offer their skills. Okay. Now of these first three that I've talked about, all of those things are, uh, traits that men can kind of work on for themselves individually. You can grow and strength and encourage and in skill really all on your own. You can practice those things by yourself. You can set goals for yourself in those areas, and you can get better at those things through your own individual effort. But these last two marks of manhood honor and allegiance are inherently relational. You cannot grow in honor and allegiance without relationships, especially with other men. So let's talk about what that means. Honor is really about kind of our horizontal relationships. And what I mean by that is our peer level relationships are France. Honor is really about doing right by your peers. It is about having a group around you, who you share their values with, and you live in such a way as to try to do right by those people and those shared values. That's what honor means. It's not quite this like newer version that we use of honor. That means something more like integrity or having high character. Again, that's not a bad thing, but that's not really, what honor is all about honor is about doing right by your friends. And that can mean again because the marks of manhood are morally neutral. They're not really good or bad. That can mean that if you have chosen your friends poorly, that you can be high on honor, meaning you're, you're doing right by this group of friends, but you're making really bad choices in doing that. You could be doing really, really bad things because that's what that group of people values. And so you're making poor choices, even though you're upholding the idea of honor. So we can kind of see that being a man just means that you've got a group of people who you share some values with and you're upholding those values. But if you choose those people poorly, you're going to be making really poor choices in the way that you live your life. Allegiance looks somewhat similar, but is really more about those vertical relationships. It's about how we relate to authority. Now as a younger man, this might mean things like your parents or your coaches or your teachers. And as an older man, it becomes more things like your bosses at work. Um, and even people like law enforcement and governmental authorities that you might have to relate to. It also has an ultimate aspect to it that relates to how you have a relationship with your God or whatever the ultimate authority is in your life that you choose to follow. All of that is about allegiance. And it really is trying to say that. All men are going to follow something. And we've got to figure out, are we being a good follower? And is what we have chosen to follow, actually helping us to become the kind of man that we want to be. Okay. So that's a brief overview of the 5 Marks of Manhood. Again, strength, courage, skill honor, and allegiance. All men should possess those things as a way to demonstrate what it means to be a man. You can possess them and demonstrate them in ways that are good and in ways that are bad, the 5 Marks of Manhood don't make you a good man. They make you good at being a man. Now we do want to talk eventually about how to be a good man, because that is important. And I think that's what most of us who want to be extraordinary men want to be like, but that comes in terms of some of how we make those choices and what we give ourselves over to, which aren't necessarily the essence of what it means to be a man. Okay. So the 5 Marks of Manhood are morally neutral. They are things that all men should possess. And this is maybe one of the most important parts. And especially for you guys who are out there who might be wrestling with, am I a man? What does it mean to be a man? How would I know if I am one? Everything about the 5 Marks of Manhood. Suggest that we can get better at each of those things. So if you're at a place in your life right now where you're feeling particularly unmanly, and even as I listed off some of those things, you might be thinking to yourself, well, I'm not really very strong. I'm actually kind of pretty out of shape and my life right now. And I don't have a lot of courage. I know what my fears are and I'm a little bit paralyzed by them. Um, I'm not really willing to move towards them. I don't have friends. I'm not doing well at honor. I don't relate well to my bosses and I don't really have much of a faith. So allegiance is kind of like out the window for me. Like if that's you sitting there thinking. I don't really measure up in. Any of those ways I'm not doing well at any of those things. That's okay. That's actually. Okay, because now you at least have some clarity around what it does mean to be a man. And you know, that you can get better in all of those aspects. You can become better at being a man. Uh, by challenging yourself and by growing in each of those different ways. So that's one of the things that we're going to talk regularly about here on the manhood tribe show is how to develop manhood challenges. How to create some tasks for yourself to be able to get better. And each of those 5 Marks of Manhood, and as we get past this kind of introductory few episodes here on the mantra, manhood tribe show, you're going to hear me talk about manhood challenges, things that you can do to get better at being a man. And you just design them around each of those 5 Marks of Manhood to help you become better at being skilled or at having honor, or at working on your allegiance to the authority figures in your life. All of those things are possible. We're going to talk a whole lot about them and how to be able to do those things well and how to design them. But. Here at manhood tribes, we are trying to help you develop into an extraordinary man. And if we're going to do that, we've got to recognize that one of the most essential ingredients in making that happen is that you need a group of men around you to help you get there. Of the 5 Marks of Manhood, perhaps the one that in our culture, we are having the hardest time with right now. Is honor, it's the aspect of relating to our peers. And it's not because we poorly relate to our peers. It's because for the most part, we just don't have peers. As men, we don't really have other close men in our lives who are helping us and challenging us to become the kind of men that we really do want to be. So, if you want to become an extraordinary man, you're going to have to have a transformational group of men around you. And that is what we call a tribe.