In this episode of the Manhood Tribes show, we discuss the pervasive myth in our American culture that idealizes male figures as independent loners and its impact on our modern sense of community and friendship. We argue that contrary to popular belief, being an extraordinary man involves living in a tribe or a close-knit community rather than in isolation. We point out the increasing problem of loneliness among us and the lack of substantial male friendships, citing a survey that shows our dissatisfaction with our friendships.
The episode then explores the concept of a 'tribe' - a group of men dedicated to helping each other become the best versions of ourselves. We outline the benefits of having such a tribe, including staying on the right path, challenging personal growth, gaining freedom from negative habits, and adding fun and enjoyment to our lives. We also provide practical advice on how to start building these crucial male relationships by broadening our social circle through hobbies, church groups, and connecting with other parents. We encourage men to take the initiative in forming our tribes, stressing the importance of effort and time in cultivating these transformative friendships.
00:00 The Myth of the Lone Male Hero 00:38 Welcome to the Manhood Tribes Show 01:14 The Importance of Male Tribes in Modern Society 04:31 The Loneliness Epidemic Among Men 05:41 Personal Journey: From Loneliness to Brotherhood 08:09 Building Your Tribe: The Path to Extraordinary Manhood 16:21 Practical Steps to Start Building Your Tribe 22:18 Taking Initiative: The First Step Towards Transformation 25:47 Conclusion and Next Steps
Want to know how you measure up as a man? Take our free quiz, called How Manly Are You? and learn how you can get better at being a man. Download for free at manhoodtribes.com/manly.
In this episode of the Manhood Tribes show, we discuss the pervasive myth in our American culture that idealizes male figures as independent loners and its impact on our modern sense of community and friendship. We argue that contrary to popular belief, being an extraordinary man involves living in a tribe or a close-knit community rather than in isolation. We point out the increasing problem of loneliness among us and the lack of substantial male friendships, citing a survey that shows our dissatisfaction with our friendships.
The episode then explores the concept of a 'tribe' - a group of men dedicated to helping each other become the best versions of ourselves. We outline the benefits of having such a tribe, including staying on the right path, challenging personal growth, gaining freedom from negative habits, and adding fun and enjoyment to our lives. We also provide practical advice on how to start building these crucial male relationships by broadening our social circle through hobbies, church groups, and connecting with other parents. We encourage men to take the initiative in forming our tribes, stressing the importance of effort and time in cultivating these transformative friendships.
00:00 The Myth of the Lone Male Hero 00:38 Welcome to the Manhood Tribes Show 01:14 The Importance of Male Tribes in Modern Society 04:31 The Loneliness Epidemic Among Men 05:41 Personal Journey: From Loneliness to Brotherhood 08:09 Building Your Tribe: The Path to Extraordinary Manhood 16:21 Practical Steps to Start Building Your Tribe 22:18 Taking Initiative: The First Step Towards Transformation 25:47 Conclusion and Next Steps
Want to know how you measure up as a man? Take our free quiz, called How Manly Are You? and learn how you can get better at being a man. Download for free at manhoodtribes.com/manly.
Don Ross:
If you look at the iconic male figures in American society over the past 50 to a hundred years. One thing that they all have in common. Is that they are loners. You think about somebody like John Wayne or James Bond? Or superheroes like Superman and Batman. Or even more modern action heroes like Jason Bourne or Jack Reacher. They live alone. They don't have anybody and they don't need anything from anyone. We tend to think that this is the way to be an exceptional man, but actually that's not at all how it works. Let's talk about it today on the Manhood Tribes show. Thanks for joining in. Hey guys, welcome into the Manhood Tribes show. I'm Don Ross. I'm your host. I'm really glad to be with you today. We are kind of wrapping up our initial intro series of what Manhood Tribes is all about. And so today's episode is going to be really critical in terms of talking about that whole idea of. Uh, tribe. What does it mean to be a man who lives in a tribe? And why is that even important? So it's no secret that the iconic male figure throughout much of recent American history has been this lone Wolf kind of character. I mean, we even have a hero called the lone ranger. It's sort of this idea that in order for a man to be his best, he needs to be on his own independent. Doesn't need anyone self-made accomplishes everything he needs to all by himself has all the skills in the world to get everything done. He could possibly ever imagine needing to do and saves the day for everyone else. But it's a myth. And I think we probably know that it's a myth, but because we've been so steeped with it, it really is a part of our culture now to where men have such a hard time, not only imagining what it looks like for men to live in community with other men, but certainly to actually see examples of that anywhere, whether that's Hollywood or not. We have a hard time just looking around our neighborhood and finding other men who live in proximity and close relationship with the men. Around them. Now. We spent the last episode talking about the five marks of manhood and how these are the things that all men need to possess in order to demonstrate what it means to be a man. And one of those marks of manhood was honor. And we said that honor is really all about doing right by your peers. And that in order to be able to be a man who is honorable, you've got to have these kinds of close knit relationships around you with other men. Because that's what honor is about. It's about upholding a shared set of values with the other men around you. And so if you don't have other men around you, you just can't have honor. It's just how it works. So why is it then that this is part of what it means to be a man? Why do men need this tight knit community around them? And what is that really all about? Because when we look around at men, like I've said, most men in our culture today don't have those kinds of friends. We don't live in close knit communities anymore. And the men who I know and probably, you know, as well, maybe even you're thinking about this for yourself, you have some work acquaintances, you might have some social buddies, you know, some guys that you could drink a beer with or watch a football game with. But it doesn't usually go much beyond that. For most guys. We don't have those kinds of tight friendships that men throughout most of history have had with one another. When recently a survey was done about men and American culture to find out their opinions about friendship and what kind of friendship men actually had. Less than half of men said that they were satisfied with the male relationships that they had in their lives. And only one in five men said that they were able to get the support that they needed from other male friendships in their lives. Just this week. So it is becoming an increasing problem that men aren't connected to other men. And we see this in all sorts of ways, especially in the rise of the loneliness epidemic in our culture. It is impacting everyone in our society, especially because of things like smartphones and social media. But men in particular are being impacted because as we are driven more and more towards the digital world, we don't have much in the physical world. That's really anchoring us in terms of meaningful relationships. Men are really struggling this in this way. And we see loneliness going up across the board at all ages for men, and we see the male suicide rate going up as well. As men are turning to suicide as a intended solution to the difficulties that they're facing in life. Largely in part because they don't have a community around them to help them navigate those challenges when they're facing them. These are real problems. These are things that we want to try to address here on the Manhood Tribes show. And to help you be able to see that an order to deal with those things effectively, you've got to have a tribe around you. Now I've experienced this kind of reality in my life as well. For me, one of the ways that this kind of looked is that. When I was in college, I was part of a fraternity with a whole bunch of guys that were in this fraternity organization. If you're not familiar with what fraternities are, they're kind of a social club for men. Sororities are for women. Uh, that are on a college campus. Sometimes you have a house that you share. Sometimes you have a place where you all eat meals together, but there's usually just like social functions, parties, you know, all kinds of different things that the fraternity does together. Now. We had the advantage of having a house. And so I lived in a fraternity house with, you know, 30, some odd other guys around all the time. I was surrounded by male friendship and relationship on a regular basis. And yet I would say that that was one of my loneliest times. I had lots and lots of friends and lots and lots of connections. I was surrounded. But even in the midst of that feeling surrounded, I also felt really lonely because to be honest, I didn't. Connect well with most of the men in my fraternity, they were social connections. Sure. And we had fun together doing different things, but they weren't people who I felt like really knew me well. And so even though I was surrounded by a lot of relationships, I still felt quite lonely. Now, when I got out of college, I did things a little differently. I wasn't surrounded by the same just volume of relationships that I had in college, but I started really to try to invest in a few quality relationships. And so through my church and through some other avenues, I had a few. Pockets of small groups of men who I would see once or twice a week. And I would really try to invest in those times. And then I would meet up one-on-one with some of the guys from those groups at different times during the week. Just for a meal, a drink and some good conversation. Just to talk honestly, about what was going on in each of our lives and how we could help and support one another. Sometimes that was through spiritual help, like prayer or accountability. Sometimes it was just through spending time together and doing something that we both enjoyed. But regardless, even though I had fewer relationships and fewer interactions with other men in my life, I actually felt much less lonely. And it was really because I felt known. I felt like there were other people in my life who knew me, who understood me, who shared some things in common with me and that we were supporting each other in terms of going through the things in our lives that we were really trying to accomplish and gain ground in. I didn't really know it at the time, but that was part of the precursor to what it meant for me to learn, to build a tribe. I tribe is really a transformational group of other men around you who are helping you become the best man that you can possibly be. Here at Manhood Tribes, we call that being an extraordinary man. It's the best version of yourself. And in order to be able to get there, you absolutely are going to need a tribe. You're going to need other men around you who know you and who are challenging you to become that extraordinary version of yourself. Having that kind of group of men having that tribe around you will do a number of things for you to help you become that extraordinary version of yourself. I've tried for one, we'll keep you on the path that, you know, you want to be on. And this is one of the challenges of modern life right now, because we live so isolated from one another. It is really hard for us to set goals that we want to accomplish and actually be able to see them through. I know it's kind of a joke in our culture to think about new year's resolutions and how no one actually keeps them, but it's not just new year's resolutions that are the kinds of goals that are falling by the wayside these days. It's pretty much all goals. I mean, think about how hard it is for you to set weight loss goals or financial goals or career goals, and to actually see them through it can really feel like life is stacked up against you. And as soon as things get hard, it's so easy to derail into one form. Form of quitting or another, I tribe is that group of guys who will be around you and we'll help you keep on the track that, you know, you want to be on. If you need to accomplish some of those things in order to become the kind of man that you really want to be. Having those men around you to help you stay on that track is an absolute necessity. You're going to need a tribe. I tribe is also going to be the group of guys who will push you to challenge yourself. Okay. So not only are they going to help you stay on the path that you want to be on. They're actually going to challenge you to say, Hey, is this the right path for you? Can you do even better than what you're aiming for at the moment? Can your life be better than what we see it as right now? And how can we challenge you to be an even better version of yourself than maybe what you're aiming for at the moment? Maybe your marriage needs some work and you're not giving it the attention that it really needs. Maybe your spiritual life needs some actual time in your weekly schedule, but you're not. Prioritizing the way that, you know, you need to, and they can see that you need to. And so they're going to challenge you to be able to do that. Maybe your fitness goals keep kind of falling by the wayside because you're overly obsessed with work. And they're able to say, Hey, you've really got to carve out some time for taking care of your body. Uh, tribe will challenge you to push yourself to be better than you might actually think about being for yourself. But you're going to have to have that group of men around you in order for those kinds of things to happen. Uh, tribe is also going to know you and to fight for your freedom. And honestly, this is one of the best things and probably one of my favorite things about being a part of a tribe. This is where the spiritual component really comes into what it means to be in a tribe. Part of being in a tribe is really all about gaining freedom from the major challenges and obstacles that we're facing in our lives. So in the last episode, I talked about some of the roadblocks that we, as men are tending to hit in our culture, whether that's porn or alcohol or drugs, or just addiction to smartphones and social media. Uh, or overeating or lack of fitness or any of those kinds of things, any of the things that can really sort of like get control of us and take control of our lives in ways that we can't seem to get unstuck from, we keep running into these same bad habits or bad behaviors or bad emotions over and over and over again. And through our own willpower, we just haven't been able to do enough to break free from those things. Uh, tribe is going to be a group of men who is going to help you come around those ideas. Figure out. Why is it that you're really dealing with those things in the first place? What are some of the root causes of that? Where does that show up in your story that you might be tempted or attracted to those things and for what reasons, and they're going to help you be able to find a way to break free from those things so that you can live without them. That you can live in true and lasting freedom and be the kind of man that you want to be. The kind of man that you want to be is not the man who is anchored down and stuck in those addictions and those bad habits. The kind of man that you want to be is extraordinary and he is largely free from those kinds of things, or at least knows how to manage them in his life so that his life isn't dictated and determined by addictions or bad habits or bad emotions. Uh, tribe is necessary. If you want to be able to gain that kind of freedom from those things that are holding you back, you need men around you who are going to fight for you and help you find a way towards freedom in those areas. Another thing that a tribe is going to do for you, that is just really one of the best elements of what it means to be a man. Is that. Uh, tribe is going to help you have fun. Now I know, just even saying that kind of seems like it seems a little silly, honestly, compared to the other things that are on this list that a tribe is going to do for you. But guys, if we're honest with ourselves and we really want to talk about what our lives are like as adult men in Western culture today. Most of us, don't have nearly the amount of fun that we need to, and we know this our lives and our schedules are so wrapped up in responsibilities and duties that we have to perform, whether that's for work or for family, or for just the day-to-day maintenance of keeping our lives going. We are so wrapped up in all of the things that we have to do that we rarely ever take time for things that we want to do. But all of us as men in order to be healthy. Are going to have to have that element of fun in our lives. That might show up in the form of it venture, or it might show up in the form of rest, or it might show up in just the form of doing something goofy and silly with some guys that you enjoy doing it with. All of those things are totally okay. But that element of fun has to be in your life. You need to be able to smile more, to laugh more, to enjoy your days and have some things that you are looking forward to doing with a group of guys that you were looking forward to doing it with. Without that you're not going to be the best version of yourself. You will not get to being the extraordinary man that you're capable of being, unless you've got some fun in your life. It's just a part of how we are built as men, part of how we're wired and honestly, part of the rhythms that God intended for us to have in the way that we live our lives. So. Uh, tribe will help you have some fun, and that's part of how they're going to help you become an extraordinary man. Now you might be listening to me say all of those things and you're thinking, I mean, gosh, that sounds amazing. Of course. I want to try it in my life when you describe it like that. I mean, it sounds like, you know, what have I been waiting for? Like, why don't I have this. And then you stopped to think about it and you're like, okay. But I don't really have any friends that I could do that with. Like you're describing these kinds of relationships with other guys and it's like, well, I don't know anybody that I could do that kind of stuff with, or certainly that I could talk about those kinds of things with like, We're in the world. Would I start this? Or how would I do this? Like, what is building a tribe in my life look like when I don't have the men around me that I could actually do that with. Let me just pause for a moment and reassure you that we're going to cover that in depth here on this show, we're going to spend a lot of time talking about. How to build a tribe. What are the ways that you do it, how to gather a group of men and do those things together, how to help move them towards becoming that transformational type of group so that it doesn't just remain, you know, a social group of drinking buddies or whatever else you want to do together. Okay. We want to help you be able to do that, but we're not going to cover all of that in this one episode. Okay. In the meantime, what I do want to encourage you to do is to begin just broadening your base of male relationships. I want you to broaden the number of guys that you are exposed to, and that you're around on a regular basis because without that you're right. You're not really going to have much of a chance of being able to build a tribe in your life. So you've got to take some initiative to really figure out where are there some men around me that I could begin to connect with. So let me just try to give you some ideas. Uh, one. Get a hobby of some kind. If you don't have any kind of hobby at the moment, this is part of that fun element in your life. Find something that you would enjoy doing. And maybe it's something that you're already doing and you just need to turn it into the kind of hobby that you can do it with other men. Okay. So let's take a simple one that a lot of guys have a part of their lives, which would be fitness working out, running, you know, doing something that allows you to move and be active. A lot of guys try to figure out how to have that. In their schedule, but often what it looks like is going to, you know, planet fitness or whatever, local chain gym you've got around you with your earbuds in, and you're lifting weights for 30 to 45 minutes and not talking to anybody the whole time that you're there, then you hit the shower and then you're off to, you know, breakfast or home or work or wherever you're on to next. Uh, but there's no element of relationship or community into the way that you handle your fitness. So if that's something that's already a part of your schedule, just turn it around, figure out a way to be able to do it, that you could do it with other men. Maybe you need to join something like a CrossFit gym, where everything is done in classes. And you're interacting with people in the way that you're working out. Or in the place where I'm at, we have a network called F three. That stands for fitness, fellowship, and faith. And it's a great opportunity to be able to meet up with other guys and work out, but also to be able to share more about what's going on in your lives to make some easy connections around something that you're already doing with other men in your area. Okay. If you don't already have something like that, like fitness that's going on in your world, that you could kind of easily turn into more of a relationship-based hobby, as opposed to just a loner type hobby. Then pick up a hobby, find something that you might enjoy doing. Maybe it's something like carpentry or black smithing or some kind of skill like that, that you really enjoy some kind of crafting type thing that you enjoy, where you could find some groups of guys who do things like that in your area. Maybe it's something more fun. Like you enjoy board games or video games, and you could find some meetup groups who do those things together and just get around people who were doing that kind of stuff. Maybe. Maybe you really enjoy races or, uh, you know, whether that's like a running a 5k or doing something like a Spartan race. See, if you can find a group of guys in your area who are competing in those things regularly and join up with them. Find a group of guys to be around, get a hobby, do something with other men as a way of just beginning to build some of those relationships. If you're a guy who's a part of a church, or I would even say, if you're not a guy who's a part of a church, this might be something that you should explore. You need to find a men's group. That's a part of your church. And if you're just looking for friends, but you're not part of a church, Hey, go find a men's group at a church. You might not agree with everything that they believe and are talking about, but I guarantee you, they're not going to kick you out. And so it might be a way for you to just be able to meet some guys, find some things where they're talking about interesting things and figure out where you agree and don't agree with the things that they have to say. But if you are a guy who's been around a church and you've been part of men's groups in the past, and you're just thinking. This isn't going where I want it to go. Is this really worth my time? Hey, I understand. I understand. As both a former pastor and a guy, who's been a part of a whole lot of church men's groups. I know that often they don't go in the direction that you want them to go. Right now, I'm not trying to tell you that that group needs to look like anything in particular. I'm just saying this is a good way to meet other men. And then you might be able to play a part and seeing that group become something more like the type of tribe that I'm describing, but that's further down the road for right now. You just need the relationships to start. For those of you that are dads, another easy place to begin to make some relationships with other men is just by getting to know your kids, friends, dads. Okay. So whether that's through your kids like school, Uh, classmates or through like a church, small group that they're a part of just finding ways to be able to interact with the other dads of your kid's friends is an easy way to do that. Even if it's just something as simple as like you decide to throw a party in your backyard for your kid and his friends, you know, one weekend and invite dads to come over as well. You could do a grill out in your backyard and, you know, let the kids play. Just something simple. Like that is an easy way to be able to connect because parents are regularly wanting their kids to connect, but we rarely take the time for us to connect in those same kinds of ways. So take advantage of your kid's friends. Parents and get to know some of those dads as a way of building those relationships. Okay. I've given you some tips. Uh, what I am going to say is that it's going to take some initiative. Look, guys, this is just the hard truth of our society right now. Friendships for men don't come easy. It is a sad but true statement about the way that men relate to one another in our culture. Right now, we have lost the art of building friendships as adults. And so because of that, none of this is going to happen naturally. So, if you want to be the kind of extraordinary man that I'm describing, if you want to be the best version of yourself, And you're thinking. Okay. I think are probably, really do need this group of men around you. What I want to say to you is no one is going to do it for you. There isn't a tribe for you to just go jump into and all of a sudden become the extraordinary version of yourself. It doesn't work that way. Unfortunately, I wish that it did. I wish our society and our culture was built in such a way that there were tribes of men all over the place and that we were doing this normally as a part of what it meant to be a man. Honestly as men, that's the way that we're supposed to be living, but we've gotten so far away from it in our culture that what's going to be required of you is to take the initiative, to build this tribe around you. You're going to have to be the one to do it because no one else is doing it. And what I want to say to you as you're listening or watching this show right now, man. Is that you can do it. You do have what it takes to be able to build this group of men around you, this transformational group culture who is going to help you. Become the best version of yourself, the extraordinary man that you know, that you want to be. But it's not going to come without some work. It is going to take initiative on your part, and it is going to take effort and time at building these quality types of relationships. But once you have them, and once you begin to see the effects that they have on your life, you will realize that all the effort was worth it. It's just going to take a slow start and some effort at making those things happen. So wherever you are on that journey, whether you've got. 10 friends. Three friends, no friends. Wherever you're starting from. I just want to encourage you today to get started. Get started in some of those conversations with guys. Ask your guy, friends, what have their friendships looked like? Have they had really close guy, friends over the course of their adult life. When was the last time they felt like they had a really close guy friend. I think you'll be surprised that most men are going to answer it in the ways that I've described. They either don't have close friendships or it's been since high school or college that they've had a close friend like that. And so because of that, you being the kind of man who wants to show up and say, I want to build something that's different. I want to build something that does involve close relationship, where we are helping each other get better. You're going to be the kind of man that other men are going to be drawn to. Men who want to get better at being a man are going to look to you and say, I want to be like that guy. And I want to be around that guy. I want to spend time with him. I want to learn from him. I want to do like him. Because you're the one taking the initiative. So don't be afraid. It's going to take some work and it's going to take some time, but we're going to be here to support you and to show you how to do it all along the way. So. It's been good to be with you today, as we kind of wrap up this introduction about what it means to be a man and understanding what Manhood Tribes is all about. We are going to transition. Uh, next time into a whole series on how to be a man. We're going to unpack all of those ideas about the five marks of manhood. We're going to delve deeper into what Manhood Tribes is all about and spend more time talking through all those things and how you can get better at them. It's going to be an incredible series. I'm really looking forward to getting started with you on that. And so until next time, I'll look forward to seeing you on the manhood tribe show. We'll talk to you then.
