Self harm & drugs ruled my life until Jesus did this.....

In this episode of the Jesus Studio podcast, we are introduced to Annie, a 23-year-old woman who shares her profound and emotional journey of faith, loss, and healing. Annie's story begins with a reflection on her childhood, marked by the sudden loss of her mother and a challenging relationship with her father. She recounts her struggles with grief, self-harm, depression, and substance abuse, painting a vivid picture of a young woman grappling with deep pain and loneliness.

Annie's narrative takes a turning point as she describes a gradual, transformative encounter with Christianity. Initially resistant, Annie experiences a slow and complex spiritual awakening, marked by an honest confrontation with her anger towards God and her past. Her story is one of gradual healing and finding solace in faith, culminating in a powerful moment of realization and acceptance of God's presence in her life.

Throughout the podcast, Annie speaks candidly about her doubts, her journey towards forgiving her father, and the impact of her faith on her personal relationships, especially with her husband, Jacob, and her two young children. The episode is a testament to the power of resilience, the complexity of the human spirit, and the transformative power of faith in overcoming life's toughest challenges.

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https://www.jesusstudio.co.uk
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Transcript

Transcript
00:00:00 Speaker 2
You're listening to the Jesus Studio podcast.
00:00:03 Speaker 1
And I just felt the Holy Spirit.
00:00:06 Speaker 1
And I I had kind of felt it before, but not massively. I knew when I was crying, it was the Holy Spirit. I did know that, but.
00:00:11 Speaker 1
I started feeling it. I could just see.
00:00:15 Speaker 1
Black tar being pulled off me one by one and I was just letting it go. I wasn't holding on to it because I was still holding on to all this stuff. I think my hurt, my trauma, my self harm. It was mine.
00:00:33 Speaker 1
And I just felt this fire inside for God, and nothing dramatic had happened. But I just wanted to tell everyone because I was on this high like I'd never been on before.
00:00:46 Speaker 1
It was a high like no drug I'd ever taken. It was this, this feeling that I was like. I need more like a drug. But the.
00:00:56 Speaker 1
Best drug you've ever did.
00:01:03 Speaker 3
Hello everyone. Welcome to another episode of The Jesus Studio podcast. Today, I'm pleased to invite Annie, my sister, on the podcast so Annie, introduce yourself for us.
00:01:16 Speaker 1
Hi, I'm Annie. I'm 23.
00:01:19 Speaker 1
I got married this year to Jacob and we have two boys, two and who are?
00:01:23 Speaker 1
2:00 and 4:00.
00:01:25 Speaker 3
Great. Annie, tell us your story and start from the beginning and don't miss anything out.
00:01:30 Speaker 1
OK. I'll try. Thank you.
00:01:32 Speaker 1
So I was born in 2000.
00:01:37 Speaker 1
I have three siblings who are all a lot older than me, so I was born into.
00:01:43 Speaker 1
My sister was 10 years older. My brother was 14 years older and my other brother was 18 years older, so I was kind of the accident slash surprise, I guess in the family we grew up in Fakenham in a house with our mum and dad and we all live there together, I think.
00:02:04 Speaker 1
Growing up, I don't remember fully, but I think that the family went to church and had, I think our mum and dad had a faith always are at some point.
00:02:13 Speaker 1
In their lives, and I remember going to church as a young child, but I mainly remember going with my brothers, not as a whole family, but that might just be my memory, kind of not being great.
00:02:26 Speaker 1
And it was a tiny little church, and I grew up and we had a big garden and mum was a child minder and it was, you know, really lovely. And my mum was my best friend. We did everything together. I literally slept in her bed and. And yeah, I just remember having this great life and being really happy.
00:02:47 Speaker 1
Then one day, when I about two weeks after my 8th birthday, my mum died quite suddenly. So I later on found out she kind of got ill in around the December and she died in in the April and it was a massive massive shock to me. I didn't.
00:03:07 Speaker 1
I knew she wasn't well, but I didn't. I didn't know how unwell she was or that she was.
00:03:11 Speaker 1
Going to die.
00:03:13 Speaker 1
And what I remember from the day that she died was.
00:03:17 Speaker 1
Being told we were going to pick her up.
00:03:19 Speaker 1
And bring her home.
00:03:21 Speaker 1
And my friend's mum at the time picked me up and I remember being so excited that we were going to take her home as she was coming home and I join her picture and we drove up to the hospital.
00:03:33 Speaker 1
And two people who were actually from the church were there. And I remember thinking, that's weird. Like, why have they come? But they were friends of the family, and they took my friend's mum off.
00:03:44 Speaker 1
And I remember some stairs to my left, and my dad came down the stairs and took me up. And I remember going well. Where's mum? When are we going to see Mum? And I walked into this room and all my siblings were sat there.
00:03:56 Speaker 1
And they said my dad said Mum's gone to heaven and she's going to be with Jesus.
00:04:02 Speaker 1
And I I remember thinking what you know what is going on? Everyone was crying.
00:04:10 Speaker 1
That didn't mean anything to me, really. I kind of knew what it meant. I knew it was.
00:04:14 Speaker 1
Bad, but.
00:04:16 Speaker 1
I hadn't even had a pet die, hadn't had anything anyone in my life died apart from a little neighbour down the road. Husband, who was about 100, and I didn't. I didn't know. I was just like, what does that? You know what is going on? And I wanted to leave. I just wanted.
00:04:31 Speaker 1
To go home.
00:04:33 Speaker 1
So my friend's mum took me home and I remember being in the car and saying.
00:04:38 Speaker 1
Don't tell anyone. Please don't tell anyone that this has happened and I don't know why I felt that. I think I didn't want anyone to know I was different. I didn't want anyone to know this news that happened and.
00:04:49 Speaker 1
I remember my.
00:04:50 Speaker 1
Friend at the time, obviously he was also kind.
00:04:52 Speaker 1
Of ate.
00:04:53 Speaker 1
The first thing she said when we told her was where?
00:04:55 Speaker 1
Our eyes open or shut.
00:04:57 Speaker 1
And I I didn't go and see her. And I remember thinking that's a weird thing to ask. Like, I just. It was just this crazy day that I will never forget. And I didn't understand why we were told that we were going to get or I was told we were going to get her.
00:05:10 Speaker 1
I didn't understand what was going on. I was asked if I wanted to see her and again I I didn't know. I I don't know if I wanted to see.
00:05:17 Speaker 1
Her or.
00:05:17 Speaker 1
Not, I think, I'm glad I didn't, but I still, I don't know how I would have felt, but I just wanted to go home. And I remember my friend's mum saying.
00:05:26 Speaker 1
I'm going to make you a cup of tea and you're gonna have two sugars in it.
00:05:29 Speaker 1
And then we're going to go to B&Q.
00:05:31 Speaker 1
And I was like, I don't wanna go to B&Q. What if something happens in the car? What's that? And she said you could live your whole life like that. Come on and like, sweat me up. And we went to B&Q and and that was my life and.
00:05:44 Speaker 1
It was just kind of the whole to me, my whole life changed overnight. I just didn't have a clue.
00:05:49 Speaker 1
And I didn't understand for a really long time that she wasn't coming back. That was a really big thing to me, so.
00:05:57 Speaker 1
I I think I grieve differently each year, so I remember being really, really young and straight after it happened and lying in my bed.
00:06:06 Speaker 1
And praying every night. And I would list everyone that I knew and that I loved and I cared about. And I would pray that they woke up in the morning and that they would be alive. And I remember doing it every single night.
00:06:20 Speaker 1
And just just lying in bed thinking I hope no one else dies. And I had my mum's picture and.
00:06:29 Speaker 1
It was just really, really hard.
00:06:32 Speaker 1
And then.
00:06:34 Speaker 1
Things kind of obviously fell apart. It was painful. I didn't understand at first what was going on. I went back to school and like I said, I didn't want anyone to know. And I went back and in assembly, the head teacher called me up to the.
00:06:52 Speaker 1
And and told everyone and said and his mum's died and I just wanted the ground to swallow me up and I thought, Get Me Out of here. Like, Get Me Out. And I went back into the class and no one spoke to me because no one would say we were all these little 8.
00:07:08 Speaker 1
Year olds and my mum had died. No, it was a tiny little school. There was about 80 people in the whole school.
00:07:15 Speaker 1
And no, none of these children knew what to say to me, so I was just isolated from that moment. Really. My sister went to Uni, kind of. My brothers moved out eventually, and I was left in this house that was full and full of life and love and a home, and I was left there with my dad and.
00:07:35 Speaker 1
My dad worked a lot when when I was young, he used to go to work really, really early. Come home for dinner and then go back out to work. So I I didn't really know him as a dad, really. I I knew him, but he was left with me as a young girl. It was just.
00:07:49 Speaker 1
It was just strange and I spent a lot of time with my friend and her mum.
00:07:55 Speaker 1
And go into different people's houses after school. I remember going to a different friends every night.
00:08:02 Speaker 1
Or a different person who had obviously said they'd look after me, which is obviously really kind.
00:08:08 Speaker 1
And just not being welcome, I just didn't. I was welcome, but I didn't feel like I belonged there. I wanted to.
00:08:16 Speaker 1
I didn't know where I wanted to be. I wanted to be back in the life when my.
00:08:19 Speaker 1
Mum was here and everything was OK and all these people had their mums and dads and these happy families and I'm there.
00:08:25 Speaker 1
And even, like they'd all get in their own clothes when they got home, and I was stuck in my uniform there. And it wasn't my home and it, it was just hard, really hard and trying to comprehend.
00:08:37 Speaker 1
That my mum was never coming back took me years and years to.
00:08:43 Speaker 1
Be able to do.
00:08:45 Speaker 1
And I think it really affected me.
00:08:48 Speaker 1
And things things started to kind of go downhill really, with my dad and my relationship. And that was a real struggle. I don't think he knew how to.
00:08:59 Speaker 1
Parent me, I don't think he'd necessarily been the main parent for the others, my siblings and my mum.
00:09:07 Speaker 1
What I remember the greatest mum in the world, she was a mum that you'd imagine she was this.
00:09:12 Speaker 1
Amazing woman who?
00:09:14 Speaker 1
Did everything and did crafts and the.
00:09:17 Speaker 1
Kind of mum that I'd aspired.
00:09:18 Speaker 1
To be.
00:09:19 Speaker 1
That I think. How did you do that? Cause it's being a mum now. It's exhausting. And how she did crafts and took us out and did dinner and.
00:09:28 Speaker 1
You know my I take my hat off to.
00:09:30 Speaker 1
And he he was left with this girl who he didn't know how to parent and who had lost her mum. He'd lost his wife. It's just it was just awful for everyone. And I think there's a lot of anger from everyone. And our family didn't pull together like some families do in death. I think some families gather around each other and they support each other.
00:09:51 Speaker 1
Our family broke and we didn't have many people around us. We didn't. We didn't have much support.
00:09:58 Speaker 1
And so it was. It was just us.
00:10:02 Speaker 1
Then my friend, who I spent a lot of time with moved to France with her family and they'd been a massive part of my life. Her mum had taken me to the hospital and she they just the year after mum died, moved to France. It was another loss of Oh my goodness, someone else has gone.
00:10:17 Speaker 1
And it was. It was a really, really hard time. I just remember being young and not really being happy. I I don't remember my childhood. Some of it I actually don't remember and things will crop up in my head that I remember.
00:10:32 Speaker 1
And it was just a really traumatic time.
00:10:35 Speaker 1
I think my dad made some choices that weren't right.
00:10:39 Speaker 1
And it led to a lot of a lot of pain for everyone. And I had social workers involved and people involved in my life.
00:10:49 Speaker 1
And in meetings and one day, he said, I don't.
00:10:53 Speaker 1
I don't want her.
00:10:55 Speaker 1
And I remember that hit me like a.
00:10:59 Speaker 1
Tonne of bricks, I remember thinking no one does, like no one wants me. I'm not welcome anywhere. I didn't feel happy in school.
00:11:09 Speaker 1
I didn't feel happy at home. I was just so angry at life and I was.
00:11:14 Speaker 1
I was in about middle school by this point and I was meeting with these social because I was so unhappy at home and they said that they were going to take.
00:11:25 Speaker 1
Me out of the home.
00:11:28 Speaker 1
I moved in with.
00:11:31 Speaker 1
Of one of my mum.
00:11:32 Speaker 1
'S friends and Umm, who, who also went to church and.
00:11:38 Speaker 1
In that time before when my mum died, I do remember going to church and I remember going to Sunday school.
00:11:44 Speaker 1
And people would be nice and I think they felt sorry for me and us.
00:11:50 Speaker 1
And I remember going to Sunday school and they were quite old ladies who ran it, and I thought this is so boring. Why am I here? I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in this school. It was in the.
00:12:00 Speaker 1
Well, I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to hear about it. And I was actually quite embarrassed when I was at school thinking I hope no one says that I was there on Sunday because that's embarrassing. So I remember not having a very positive view. They were quite old people. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But at the time of being young.
00:12:20 Speaker 1
This wasn't cold. This was.
00:12:22 Speaker 1
This was not not fun for me.
00:12:25 Speaker 1
And I didn't, I didn't.
00:12:26 Speaker 1
Really. Enjoy it. So anyway, I was at middle school and.
00:12:31 Speaker 1
I just moved in with someone else and and that was a really weird feeling of I was out of this really unhappy environment in somewhere where I wasn't always safe, but.
00:12:41 Speaker 1
I was all alone again and I felt all alone, and I felt again, like I was not not.
00:12:47 Speaker 1
It's not like I wasn't welcome, but I was imposing. I was constantly in my life in the way I felt, or I wasn't welcome there. I didn't. It wasn't my home I was imposing on them as an impostor.
00:12:58 Speaker 1
Like I was just.
00:12:59 Speaker 1
There and I thought why? Why am I here?
00:13:02
OK.
00:13:05 Speaker 1
And I I can't quite remember, to be honest.
00:13:11 Speaker 1
Whether it was.
00:13:12 Speaker 1
At that, when I'd moved out or slightly just before. But I think it was when I'd.
00:13:16 Speaker 1
Gone. I went round a friend's house and I was probably about 11.
00:13:24 Speaker 1
They it was a newish friend. I didn't know them very long and their mum.
00:13:29 Speaker 1
Sat me down one day and she said I've got something for you.
00:13:33 Speaker 1
And I thought what what is?
00:13:35 Speaker 1
It and she gave me this brown package and said I really don't wanna.
00:13:39 Speaker 1
Give it to you.
00:13:43 Speaker 1
I opened it and it was this Angel.
00:13:47 Speaker 1
Her mom had some figures around her around the House of kind of women holding babies, and I don't know what they're called, but they're these little figure things, and it was one of them with an.
00:13:58 Speaker 1
Angel and there was a card.
00:14:00 Speaker 1
And in the card.
00:14:02 Speaker 1
It said something along the lines of about my mum knowing what was going on.
00:14:08 Speaker 1
On it said about a time when I'd been in my dad's house.
00:14:11 Speaker 1
On my own, and I remember, and I sat on the bathroom floor and I was saying, mom, I need you. Like, where are you? And I was crying. And it said in this note that she was there like she knew. And I was just.
00:14:25 Speaker 1
Thinking what is this like? I have no idea. I was so young I hadn't asked for this and I kind of looked at the mum and.
00:14:32 Speaker 1
She said I speak to a medium.
00:14:35 Speaker 1
And apparently this medium said something along the lines of who's Annie one day and she said, I don't know, a nanny. And she said.
00:14:41 Speaker 1
You do? Who's?
00:14:42 Speaker 1
Annie and she said I've only. I've got daughters. Friend called Annie. And yes, I'm sending.
00:14:47 Speaker 1
Something and it was all this really weird thing that this I was being told. And I'm like, who? What is immediate? I don't know what a medium is. I was literally 10 or 11.
00:14:56 Speaker 1
Maybe 12. I don't think you know. I can't. It was just met Manic and I had this Angel figure had this letter about things that no one could have known.
00:15:08 Speaker 1
No one could have known this cause no one heard. No one knew the thoughts in my head. No one.
00:15:13 Speaker 1
It was from my mum and that's what I was being told. This was from my mum who's dead and that's a really confusing concept for anyone at any age, let alone being so young and have been in this really traumatic kind of place.
00:15:29 Speaker 1
So I took it back and.
00:15:31 Speaker 1
It was when I was at the Friends House because I remember putting it under my bed.
00:15:36 Speaker 1
When I was there and.
00:15:39 Speaker 1
I remember going into school the next day and it would be in my bag and I thought I was going mad. I really thought I was going mad and I'm like I must have put it in my bag like I just didn't know what was going on, but.
00:15:50 Speaker 1
I started to feel quite scared.
00:15:53 Speaker 1
Because I just.
00:15:54 Speaker 1
I felt like I was smelling my mum when I was walking I felt like.
00:15:59 Speaker 1
I just. I just don't know what I was feeling and I just knew it wasn't right. And it wasn't OK. And I I just started to slowly feel worse and worse and worse. And I started really significantly, self harming. I started wanting to die.
00:16:19 Speaker 1
They started just having this complete and utter.
00:16:23 Speaker 1
Rock bottom self esteem.
00:16:27 Speaker 1
I got put on antidepressants at 11:00, so it must have been around that time. And that was a really young age to be put on it. And I remember seeing doctors and things later on and then looking at my notes and going, Oh my goodness, that's really young. And now they don't really do that. But I was just.
00:16:46 Speaker 1
I just wanted to die. I was just this little 11 year old who didn't wanna be here. I wanted to be dead. I just thought it would be easier.
00:16:54 Speaker 1
I'll be with my mum like I just. I just didn't want to be here and looking back, it's really heartbreaking. It breaks my heart for that person because I think I have managed to almost distance myself from that and separate it to a degree, but it breaks my heart. Looking at 11 year olds we have in our.
00:17:11 Speaker 1
Lives and thinking.
00:17:14 Speaker 1
You wanted to die. It's. It's so sad. But I didn't feel 11. I felt I just felt alone. And I just. I don't know. It was. I just felt so, so lonely and abandoned. And I was angry.
00:17:28 Speaker 1
And I wanted to die.
00:17:29 Speaker 1
And I took this one day, I took, I told, and it was a a long time, really. I think I had this for and I I told.
00:17:39 Speaker 1
My brother about this thing that happened and I I didn't tell anyone because.
00:17:47 Speaker 1
I think I was told not to, but I can't remember. But I I just didn't. I didn't tell anyone.
00:17:53 Speaker 1
And one day I told my brother and they were Christian.
00:18:00 Speaker 1
And they took it quite seriously, and I wasn't. I didn't. I didn't know they were going to do that. They took it very seriously and they got it. And they said bring it. And we went round to a house and a pastor came.
00:18:15 Speaker 1
And I stood in the middle of these people and who I knew kind of, who were obviously members of the church, and they all gathered round me in the middle. And. And I remember peeking my eyes open and thinking.
00:18:27 Speaker 1
What is going on? They're.
00:18:29 Speaker 1
All gathered round me like it was just. I thought. What's happening? I was.
00:18:34 Speaker 1
I think I just.
00:18:36 Speaker 1
Was scared, was freaked out. Was.
00:18:39 Speaker 1
Thinking these people are.
00:18:40 Speaker 1
Crazy. Like, what's the big deal here?
00:18:42 Speaker 1
And they smashed it, burnt it, got rid.
00:18:45 Speaker 1
Of it, whatever they.
00:18:46 Speaker 1
They, you know, they did and.
00:18:49 Speaker 1
Said this isn't good. You know, this isn't from God and.
00:18:54 Speaker 1
I was like, OK, I just. I didn't have a clue what was going on, to be honest about them. But things were really dark. I was like, I say, I was just angry. I was self harming in my sleep. I was waking up with with blood on me and and it was just scary. And in that time, that friend who was living with.
00:19:14 Speaker 1
One day I came home and she'd packed my bags and said you can't live here anymore. You're going home. You remind me of your mum.
00:19:25 Speaker 1
And my dad picked me up in his car and I thought, oh, OK. And I remember thinking, what I've done wrong. What's happened? Like what? What have I done? So I.
00:19:36 Speaker 1
Thought I'd been quite good there.
00:19:38 Speaker 1
And that was that was their stuff and that they were hurting. But at the time as a child, it's really hard to see what the adults around you are feeling because you're a child and you expect adults to be.
00:19:50 Speaker 1
We adults know everything as a child growing up know everything and they should in your head. And now I can.
00:19:59 Speaker 1
Reflect about the.
00:20:00 Speaker 1
Time I felt that everyone was against me again. Abandonment. No one wanted me.
00:20:05 Speaker 1
And I went home and then I went into school the next day, and soon I got put into a proper foster care placement. And I remember them, you know, at one point, I had nothing in my room. They wouldn't let me have anything in my bedroom because I was self harming and I'd come home one day and they said we found a nail in your bed.
00:20:26 Speaker 1
And I said, I promise you, it's not mine. I promise you it's not mine. And I was so scared all the time. And I again. I had this. I was in this room with nothing but a bed. I wasn't. Now my clothes wasn't not a pencil. I wasn't allowed anything in this bedroom apart from myself. And it's lonely. It's really, really lonely. And I just.
00:20:46 Speaker 1
I was self harming but then I would look at the self harm and be disgusted with myself and want to die and and I tried to kill myself multiple times.
00:20:56 Speaker 1
When I was.
00:20:56 Speaker 1
Young cause. I just didn't want to be.
00:20:58 Speaker 1
Here I saw doctors. I saw psychiatrists. I saw.
00:21:02 Speaker 1
I saw everyone I had therapy, I had went.
00:21:06 Speaker 1
I had a charity who was really great, but they said.
00:21:13 Speaker 1
That they couldn't see me because my pain wasn't solely about my mum. It was also about my home life.
00:21:21 Speaker 1
And they said we're only really here for grief.
00:21:23 Speaker 1
And I remember thinking, when you're in grief, your home life's messing up too, because every you've lost somebody really significant. How do they not interlink? But it didn't interlink. So the next person I'd see would refer me back to someone who was solely for grief. And and I was just passed around at this hot potato in every single aspect of my life.
00:21:41 Speaker 1
School were scared.
00:21:43 Speaker 1
I of not of me, but they were scared of my situation. No one felt safe in my situation and I could sense that and I didn't feel safe either. And that really escalated that for me because.
00:21:56 Speaker 1
Adults didn't feel safe. I didn't feel safe, so I really, really wasn't safe.
00:22:02 Speaker 1
So things were just really horrible and bad, and I just thought this is never, ever, ever gonna end. I just don't wanna be in my brothers.
00:22:15 Speaker 1
We're a Christian.
00:22:16 Speaker 1
And they'd, you know, my brother and his wife would say come to church. And I did a few times and I did and.
00:22:26 Speaker 1
I hated it. I was so angry. And I looked at these people and I looked around at all these happy people with families and these people with their hands up, praying and singing, thinking, what are you happy about? What's why are you happy? Because my world had stopped and I had to learn that everyone else is. Didn't that the world still carried on?
00:22:47 Speaker 1
And that was so hard because I just wanted to.
00:22:50 Speaker 1
Dream. Can you not see what's going on for me? But of course, the world carries on. But at this age being so young, I didn't understand. I didn't understand why I didn't even understand why my brother was happy. Because I'm like you're. Why happy? I was almost angry at at him from being happy. And that sounds mean. But that is how I felt and I.
00:23:11 Speaker 1
Got invited to a Christian festival at one point.
00:23:15 Speaker 1
And I I think they told me it was something similar to Radio One and you'll love it. And I thought why I've got nothing to.
00:23:23 Speaker 1
Lose, but I've really.
00:23:25 Speaker 1
When I turned up and it's this heavily Christian place and and again there's loads of people. And it was, you know, it was fun.
00:23:33 Speaker 1
It was for a normal.
00:23:35 Speaker 1
Child it was probably great, but I just again didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. I wasn't really happy, wasn't in the right place at all. I was going to these big meetings with big singing and stuff and some the person on the stage would say things and he said.
00:23:52 Speaker 1
I feel like God's telling me there's some. There's people here.
00:23:54 Speaker 1
Who are self?
00:23:54 Speaker 1
Harming and some people might say Oh my goodness. Like that was for you. No, it wasn't for me. I didn't feel like that was for me because about 1000 people stood up. So I thought, he's probably just going to say self harm, depression, anxiety, domestic abuse, anything that's bad cause is probably someone in that room.
00:24:13 Speaker 1
You felt it and that's that was my attitude. It was. You're all crazy. How Can you believe in God? How are you? How is he? Good. Everything I'd learned at school in our ray about God being all knowing all.
00:24:26 Speaker 1
Loving, all caring, omnibenevolent, all those kind of things didn't add up because if he was all knowing, why did he let my mum die? Because he knew what was going to happen? If he was all loving, he didn't love me and all these things and all these things you hear didn't add up and I would just thought.
00:24:46 Speaker 1
You're crazy. And I was so angry at anyone and anything and had arguments with people because.
00:24:53 Speaker 1
I was cross.
00:24:54 Speaker 1
And I was hurting and I didn't. I probably didn't want anyone to feel happy because I wasn't. And that that is maybe how I felt. But I.
00:25:00 Speaker 1
Think when you're in.
00:25:01 Speaker 1
That deep, dark depression, that is how you feel.
00:25:07 Speaker 1
I remember kind of towards the end. I've got the gist of what this.
00:25:11 Speaker 1
Festival camp was like.
00:25:14 Speaker 1
And I knew I knew the jest. And there was one song that I kinda liked and I thought, I don't mind this one. And I said in my head and I'd buy myself, I think I'd been upset or something.
00:25:24 Speaker 1
And I remember standing there. And I said, all right, if you're real, play this song again, because I knew they didn't do that. I knew they didn't really play songs twice.
00:25:32 Speaker 1
And they said, I really feel like God's telling me to play this song again. And they played it again and I thought, Nah, no, like, this isn't true. They've just done that.
00:25:40 Speaker 1
Like I just.
00:25:41 Speaker 1
Even that which might sound like a really amazing thing, I thought. No, it's just a coincidence. Just a coincidence. And it's so easy to say that.
00:25:48 Speaker 1
Isn't it?
00:25:49 Speaker 1
Then I started.
00:25:52 Speaker 1
Taking drugs which actually I around that time I stopped self harming.
00:26:01 Speaker 1
But looking back, I.
00:26:03 Speaker 1
Moved to a different form of self harm.
00:26:06 Speaker 1
And this was how I got by this was how I managed life was just constantly.
00:26:13 Speaker 1
Being high and lots of things happened in school. I was high on in all my exams, all my GCSE's, I was high and I should have done a lot better than I did. But I managed to pass.
00:26:28 Speaker 1
Yeah, I just. I was.
00:26:29 Speaker 1
Just alive, but I don't know why and I don't know.
00:26:32 Speaker 1
What I was doing.
00:26:34 Speaker 1
Went to college.
00:26:36 Speaker 1
And my things had really broken down my dad again. And he was a bit unwell and he wanted me to care for him. He wanted me to get him dressed and and do stuff for him and I didn't really want to because I didn't. He I didn't feel like I owed it to him. And that's really me now. But at the time I thought no.
00:26:57 Speaker 1
I don't have that this relationship with.
00:26:59 Speaker 1
You've never apologised to me. You've done a lot of really horrible stuff to me. You've really in a way. I saw it as you've ruined my life. I don't want to care for you. I don't have anything. Any part of me that wants to care for you. Get the people to care for you. Who you cared for. That's that's how.
00:27:17 Speaker 1
I felt and he said.
00:27:19 Speaker 1
We'll get out there.
00:27:21 Speaker 1
And I did. I packed my.
00:27:22 Speaker 1
Bag and I left.
00:27:24 Speaker 1
And he didn't really care at the time, he didn't, and I turned up at college.
00:27:29 Speaker 1
And with the bag.
00:27:31 Speaker 1
And I didn't have anywhere to go and I told the college and they were like, Oh my goodness. And they were nice and things. And I stayed on my friend's sofa for quite a few months, and they let me.
00:27:41 Speaker 1
Stay there.
00:27:42 Speaker 1
Which was really, really kind. I carried on doing what I was doing.
00:27:46 Speaker 1
And I needed somewhere to go and I didn't. I didn't really have anywhere. And one day again, my brother called me and said.
00:27:53 Speaker 1
His sister-in-law.
00:27:56 Speaker 1
Has a room.
00:27:58 Speaker 1
And they want to know if you want to rent this room.
00:28:02 Speaker 1
And I remember thinking ohh, OK, didn't we have any money? But.
00:28:07 Speaker 1
OK, I went to the housing.
00:28:12 Speaker 1
Office or camps or building and had to declare that I was estranged and they they gave me housing benefits. So I had this and I kind of was like, OK, and he said to me on the phone, there's one role. What they're worried about. No drinking, no alcohol, no drugs or something. No smoking, no drinking, no drugs.
00:28:34 Speaker 1
And I remember thinking, ohh no, like that's I can't do that. That's me. But at the same time I.
00:28:39 Speaker 1
Had no no other choice.
00:28:42 Speaker 1
So I thought, OK, I'm. I'm gonna do it. And I was terrified again, cause not only was I giving, I was going somewhere and I knew her, but I didn't know very well.
00:28:51 Speaker 1
I had to give up this life that I was. This was keeping me going. This was what I was living for and.
00:28:57 Speaker 1
I had to give that up.
00:28:59 Speaker 1
But I had no choice, so I did.
00:29:01 Speaker 1
And I went and I was in this room, and they were really nice. And that was the 1st place I've ever felt free because.
00:29:10 Speaker 1
She didn't micromanage me. She didn't want to know where I was at all times. She just.
00:29:16 Speaker 1
Loved me and gave me somewhere to be and treated me quite as an adult and was about 16.
00:29:24 Speaker 1
17 But she she treated me like how I had been living my whole life, cause I'd live. I've lived independently for a really long time, and I started to feel free, and they were Christians, and they had two young children, and they'd let me into this home and I respected it. I did respect that.
00:29:39 Speaker 1
But still I did feel like an impostor. I don't belong here. This isn't my family. I'm again an addition to somebody else's family. Constantly. That's what I was. Even when I was really close to people, I was always in addition on. So when I was at family events, I often found it hard with.
00:29:54 Speaker 1
Other people's families because.
00:29:56 Speaker 1
I'm there, but I knew I wasn't really part of it, even though they would have. I don't think anyone else maybe felt like that. They probably really wanted me to feel welcome. I wasn't. I wasn't really. I didn't feel part of it. I was an outsider everywhere and I did feel that here. But I I started really feeling free and thriving.
00:30:17 Speaker 1
I I did stop doing drugs.
00:30:20 Speaker 1
And I don't really know how to be honest with you. I don't know how, but I did.
00:30:25 Speaker 1
Because I knew I had to be there.
00:30:28 Speaker 1
So I carried on and I and for one. This was when I started to be happy. I was actually happy and they invited me to church.
00:30:36 Speaker 1
And I remember going and I'd squeeze in the back and I'd go.
00:30:40 Speaker 1
To this church and.
00:30:43 Speaker 1
Again, that I I felt unhappy straight away. I felt straight away, so unhappy in this church, in the building, I felt like I was being strangled.
00:30:54 Speaker 1
And I felt like I was.
00:30:58 Speaker 1
Gonna be sick. I felt so angry. Like this. Anger just poured out of me every time I'd walk into the church. I could feel it in my neck. I could feel it in my body. I didn't want to be there.
00:31:11 Speaker 1
And I was. I was. I was just horrible. I just. I just everything in my head and at that time was horrible. I thought you're all horrible. I don't like any of you. Get out. Get Me Out of here. And I would run away. And I remember once literally getting on the bus and going and thinking I never want to go.
00:31:29 Speaker 1
Back here but.
00:31:30 Speaker 1
I also remember thinking this isn't normal.
00:31:32 Speaker 1
This isn't a normal response to just walk in some way I don't like. I I I physically it was like something in me was repelling it like a magnet like it was so strong. I was like, Get Me Out, Get Me Out. Something was just not right.
00:31:47 Speaker 1
And one day I thought, right, I'm going to go talk to someone about this. So I message someone who had been I knew I kind of knew, knew me, knew my family. I didn't know them well. I'd probably never been around there.
00:32:01 Speaker 1
And I went round to his house and he was a leader of a church and.
00:32:04 Speaker 1
I went round and I said look.
00:32:06 Speaker 1
When I go into churches, this is happening. When I think about God, I'm angry. But when I go into a church or when I'm near it, I I literally want to run away. I'm feeling this intense feeling.
00:32:19 Speaker 1
I've had all this go on.
00:32:21 Speaker 1
I still had, although I say I was happy, I probably wasn't happy because I was still on antidepressants and I would stop taking them and hit these extreme lows. So I was the happiest I've been. But looking back now, it's not happy really.
00:32:36 Speaker 1
So I talked this all through to him.
00:32:39 Speaker 1
And he said, I think there's a spiritual battle going on.
00:32:43 Speaker 1
And I I kind of been told this before, but I didn't again really know what that meant. I don't. I don't know when people talked to me about God, I'd kick off and say how dare you. People tried to explain things to me. I'd debate with people about God who were Christians, but I wasn't ready. I was not in that place to hear it. I didn't want to hear it because.
00:33:03 Speaker 1
I was angry.
00:33:04 Speaker 1
How dare you? That's where I was. So he said to me.
00:33:08 Speaker 1
Can I pray for you? And I thought, OK, yeah, you can you can. So he prayed for me and I was shaking. I was wretching. I was like, being sick. It was just the weirdest thing.
00:33:23 Speaker 1
And I was like.
00:33:25 Speaker 1
And he was like, are you OK? And I was like, yeah.
00:33:29 Speaker 1
And then I left and again I didn't. I didn't have this kind of like massive feeling, but I thought this is weird. Something's going on. I felt a bit different.
00:33:39 Speaker 1
I didn't really.
00:33:40 Speaker 1
Feel different. When I went into a church.
00:33:42 Speaker 1
But I kind of thought of this some sort of spiritual battle. There's something going on here.
00:33:46 Speaker 1
I don't know what it is, but something's going.
00:33:48 Speaker 1
On so.
00:33:51 Speaker 1
I carried on again and I just carried on living and this kind of kept happening and I just pushed God away. Like I I didn't need it. I I just. I didn't need those feelings cause I was starting to feel a bit better. So every time I thought of God or anything like that, it really brought everything up and it made me so cross. And why do I need that? I'm I'm trying to. I'm trying to get better here. I'm really trying to improve my life.
00:34:12 Speaker 1
I'm trying to do well, I wanted I remember saying.
00:34:16 Speaker 1
I want to have a job. I want to be successful. I want to change the system. That's what I wanted to do because I had quite a negative experience of social care and and my social worker and and just life. I thought I'm going to change this like I had this big dream and I wanted to get there. I was doing psychology. I was doing sociology. I was putting the world to write in my head.
00:34:35 Speaker 1
Like I was just being me and I thought I'm gonna be something. I changed a little bit to. I am going to make something of myself.
00:34:44 Speaker 1
So I carried on and I met Jacob, who I'd known at school. So I saw him on a night out at the pub and he came up to me and I.
00:34:58 Speaker 1
And we were chatting and I was happy. Like I say, to a degree, I was happy as I'd been and we're chatting and he's quite he kept asking me out and stuff and.
00:35:09 Speaker 1
I said. All right, fine. We'll go. And that night we sat and talked for ages and people coming up to us going. You make such an amazing couple. I think someone even said, like, you guys should get married. Like it was everyone. We were like, no, no, no, we're not a.
00:35:21 Speaker 1
Couple you know, no way but.
00:35:23 Speaker 1
We really talked and we really connected.
00:35:25 Speaker 1
And we started.
00:35:28 Speaker 1
And dating and things and going, going out and got into a relationship. And it was my first ever healthy relationship. It was my first relationship that I'd been in where I was happy and I wasn't relying on him to make me happy.
00:35:42 Speaker 1
Because I'd had kind of boyfriends in.
00:35:43 Speaker 1
The past where.
00:35:46 Speaker 1
I needed something from them and I was getting something from them. Whether whatever that was, whether that was kind of fit and safe, fit and loved and valued their family, I had these things I didn't really like them, but I needed. I needed something. So Jacob was like my first healthy situation and.
00:36:05 Speaker 1
We just connected. I can't explain it and we kind of fell in love really quickly and.
00:36:12 Speaker 1
I fell pregnant and I was on the pill and at the time I was taken out religiously and that was the only thing at the time was religious about was this and I was taking it and I got pregnant and I thought ohh my gosh, you know, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? And at the time.
00:36:30 Speaker 1
I was working.
00:36:32 Speaker 1
For my sister in law's business and I, I just didn't know what I didn't know what to do.
00:36:39 Speaker 1
And I told Jacob.
00:36:41 Speaker 1
And he was like, OK, like, fine, he was shocked.
00:36:45 Speaker 1
But he was reacted well.
00:36:48 Speaker 1
So what do we do? And I said, I don't know. I really, I don't know.
00:36:51 Speaker 1
What we do and I.
00:36:54 Speaker 1
I just felt like we were kind of being told.
00:36:58 Speaker 1
Well, you can't. You can't.
00:36:59 Speaker 1
Be parents, you can't have a baby.
00:37:01 Speaker 1
We were 18.
00:37:03 Speaker 1
And I went into work and we sat down for our little morning meeting and I.
00:37:12 Speaker 1
Was, they said, are you?
00:37:13 Speaker 1
OK. And I think I just broke down in tears.
00:37:16 Speaker 1
And my sister-in-law said, do you not want to?
00:37:20 Speaker 1
Work for us anymore and I'm like, no, that's not it. I'm pregnant.
00:37:26 Speaker 1
And again, she met me with OK. Like, this is fine. This is. This is good. It was kind of like a good thing. And I was quite shocked about that. But she was fine. And she took me into her room and loved me and nurtured me and said this is going to be OK and said we've got to tell your brother. And I thought, no.
00:37:46 Speaker 1
You know, I can't. I can't tell him. And again, we we came in and we're in the kitchen and we said we've got something to tell you and and I think he was kind of joking. He went oh, he's stealing from us. And I was like, no, like, what do you think of me? And we said we I said I was pregnant and they they just loved me and they.
00:38:06 Speaker 1
They didn't judge me one bit. They just love me and said OK, like this is what's happened. This is what, you know, what do you wanna do? They they just. They didn't even say. What do you want to do? They just accepted it. They completely accepted it of me and I I was like oh OK like because I'd been worried about this that no one would accept me. I was already not really accepted in life and.
00:38:27 Speaker 1
And they were accepting me and I thought, OK, and I knew deep down the whole time this was right. I want this baby.
00:38:34 Speaker 1
But the world was telling me.
00:38:37 Speaker 1
No, you can't. You can't have a baby like you know, the expectation was from a lot of people who are gonna get rid of it shortly. And we explored all of our options. We did, but I couldn't even hear it. I couldn't even listen to what they were going to say about not keeping it. And I had a scan really, really early on. And it was this tiny little.
00:38:59 Speaker 1
Been on the scan, it didn't look anything like a baby, and I just felt this overwhelming sense of love. It just poured out of me and I was like, I love this little bean so much and.
00:39:12 Speaker 1
I said to Jacob, I want to.
00:39:13 Speaker 1
Keep this baby.
00:39:16 Speaker 1
And I don't mind if you don't want to. If you can't be here, I'm going to do this on my own. And I remember saying.
00:39:23 Speaker 1
Him you you can do what you want, but one thing you can't do is walk in and out of his life. That's one thing, you know you can be as involved or not. And he just said I'm gonna be involved. You know, he took his stance and said, no, I wanna be involved. We if we do.
00:39:36 Speaker 1
This we'll.
00:39:37 Speaker 1
Do this together. I'm gonna be a dad and we just we just said, OK. So we were then going to have this.
00:39:44 Speaker 1
And it was scary. It was. It was a massive, massive journey. I didn't know what was going on a.
00:39:49 Speaker 1
Lot of the time.
00:39:50 Speaker 1
My friends were shocked. You know it was.
00:39:53 Speaker 1
It was a big thing.
00:39:57 Speaker 1
I was. I was pregnant with this baby and it was crazy. And I've missed. I've missed out a little chunk of the story here, but.
00:40:08 Speaker 1
When I'd moved in to.
00:40:11 Speaker 1
My friends, my sister-in-law, sister is who it was, where I'd lived, where?
00:40:15 Speaker 1
I was renting this room.
00:40:18 Speaker 1
I went back home to my dad not to move, but to go see him.
00:40:24 Speaker 1
And we had a conversation and.
00:40:28 Speaker 1
We had many conversations that ended in rows, but I wanted an apology. I really, really wanted him to admit to what he had done.
00:40:38 Speaker 1
And I kept asking if I kept asking for it and he kept not giving it to me. And one day he said, I'm sorry. I drank too much and that wasn't what I wanted. That wasn't what I needed.
00:40:47 Speaker 1
At all. That's not what I was talking about.
00:40:51 Speaker 1
But I chose actually and I really realised I'm carrying this and he's not. I'm letting this eat me up. I'm letting this abandonment, all of this pain and anger and hurt and trauma eat me up and he's it's not eating him up.
00:41:07 Speaker 1
So I gave it back to him and I said this is what I felt. This is what happened for me. This is what you did. Some of it. I don't think even realised.
00:41:17 Speaker 1
And I said, but I forgive you. And I forgave him, and I did and.
00:41:20 Speaker 1
I I really wanted to and I felt lighter for doing that and forgive, I forgave him. I didn't forget. But I forgave him and I purely did forgive.
00:41:28 Speaker 1
Him in my heart.
00:41:31 Speaker 1
So he was he was told that I was pregnant and we had a relationship. It wasn't a father, daughter relationship necessarily, but we had a relationship and that was important to me. It was important to me so.
00:41:42 Speaker 1
Everyone in our lives were quite good. Jacob's mum was a bit crazy at 1st and she, you know, her son was very had gotta go pregnant at 18. It was. It was quite crazy but.
00:41:53 Speaker 1
She came round.
00:41:53 Speaker 1
And was really loving to me as well, and she didn't really know me. You know, it was. It was a really odd it's a really odd situation and most people thought.
00:42:02 Speaker 1
They're not gonna do that. You know, this isn't gonna go well. I know they did. I was told this.
00:42:07 Speaker 1
And because I'd been in care, I had a social worker ring me and want to do an assessment and things. And I remember feeling fear again, that my my baby was going to be taken. Something was gonna happen to my baby and it didn't. And they were like, yeah, you're cool. They didn't even do an assessment. They just they just let let us go. And we did everything we did. All the midwife.
00:42:28 Speaker 1
This is a great scheme for young mums.
00:42:31 Speaker 1
I don't. I don't really know what was different, but they were nice. They came to your house and and I was pregnant. I had a real focus and I really we were happy again. Although there was a lot through it.
00:42:40 Speaker 1
Our friends didn't all.
00:42:44 Speaker 1
Agree or believe this was right, but but this happened and I had this baby and giving birth.
00:42:51 Speaker 1
Was this experience that I will never forget and it my birth was considered traumatic? But to me it wasn't. It was the most amazing experience. It gave me strength, it gave me.
00:43:04 Speaker 1
Power. It gave me this massive.
00:43:08 Speaker 1
Experience of just I'm so strong.
00:43:12 Speaker 1
So I had we had this baby and I'd moved in with Jacob and and his mum and I had this tiny baby.
00:43:21 Speaker 1
My dad wasn't well at this point, and six weeks later he died.
00:43:28 Speaker 1
And I remember I was going to be.
00:43:29 Speaker 1
Going to see him, I was going to be taking.
00:43:31 Speaker 1
Elijah. His name is my little boy. To see him at day. He had met him. He'd met my.
00:43:38 Speaker 1
But I was going to go see him. And in this home that he was in, but.
00:43:41 Speaker 1
I got a call to say he he died.
00:43:44 Speaker 1
And it was another death. But I dealt with it very differently. I was just. I was a mum to this baby. I was. I was being a mum. I was carrying on and it was really, really hard. It was another hard time. I was 18 with a baby with no parents.
00:44:00 Speaker 1
And it was again crazy. It was a really crazy experience because I'm focused on this baby. I'm dealing with grief. It happened to be two days before the anniversary of her mum's death, which is just again.
00:44:15 Speaker 1
A bit odd, you know, coincidental, but.
00:44:18 Speaker 1
It was just weird and we had to deal with selling the family home, sorting through everything, and that was really hard because like I said, our family was quite broken and.
00:44:29 Speaker 1
It was. It was a really traumatic time. We'd all we were all.
00:44:32 Speaker 1
Just lost our mum and and.
00:44:33 Speaker 1
Our dad and at really young ages and it.
00:44:36 Speaker 1
Was really really tricky.
00:44:38 Speaker 1
But we had this baby who kind of brought a lot of peace because everyone loves a baby. So he was he was really in this and.
00:44:48 Speaker 1
He is a massive part of our story because Jacob and I knew he was a.
00:44:53 Speaker 1
Gift. We just knew we didn't even really kind of think of God, but we knew he was a gift from God and we we'd both said it. And that was odd because neither of.
00:45:01 Speaker 1
Us really had.
00:45:02 Speaker 1
A faith. But I knew. I knew he was a gift from God, and I started to think about God A.
00:45:08 Speaker 1
Little bit more.
00:45:12 Speaker 1
I've started to realise.
00:45:15 Speaker 1
I'm really angry at God. I'm really, really angry. I hate him.
00:45:21 Speaker 1
But to feel this emotion, I must believe in him, because if I didn't, why am I angry at him? I'd just accept it as reality, so I had to kind of process that because I kind of started to realise, or maybe I do believe in him, I'm just cross with him. I'm really, really cross.
00:45:41 Speaker 1
So I started to kind of think about it and then being a mum took over and COVID here and had another baby.
00:45:48 Speaker 1
And this one was really different. It was really a happy experience and I love that as well because, you know, I had two boys and I was a mum and I had a family. I had this family that had been talked about all the time.
00:46:04 Speaker 1
And I had it and and it was great and I was happy and I was in love and I loved my babies and.
00:46:09 Speaker 1
I was a mum.
00:46:10 Speaker 1
But it hurt again. I was in pain again. It wasn't this magical thing because I needed my mum. I needed help. I needed someone to ring. I felt unhappy at times after it wasn't postnatal depression and it wasn't towards the babies, but.
00:46:26 Speaker 1
My depression.
00:46:27 Speaker 1
At the time the depression, I was experiencing kind of came back a little bit. I'd say it kind of opened it up and that was hard and I was anxious. I was really anxious and I I haven't really said, but I suffered with anxiety my whole life with panic attacks and just being anxious about everything.
00:46:44 Speaker 1
Which kind of LinkedIn to to my self self esteem at the time. So it was hard. It wasn't all rainbows. It wasn't this whole. When you've had a baby, you'll be OK.
00:46:53 Speaker 1
Yes, that love had been filled a little bit. I was feeling that maternal love. I had a form of maternal love.
00:47:00 Speaker 1
But the hole was still there massively and.
00:47:04 Speaker 1
It was hard. It was really, really hard, but at the same time I was really, really happy. So it was a real conflict again and I think there's been a lot of conflict in in my life.
00:47:12 Speaker 1
So then we were invited to church COVID kind of gone and and we were invited to church by my brother again and his wife and his family and his children and me and Jacob said, OK, I said, let's go.
00:47:29 Speaker 1
And we went to this church and it was nothing special around the corner from where we lived. And we went in and I didn't want to run away. I didn't want.
00:47:38 Speaker 1
To shower anyone. I didn't feel this overwhelming repellent.
00:47:43 Speaker 1
I felt all right about it.
00:47:46 Speaker 1
And we sat at the back and I felt uncomfortable and I didn't really like it. I didn't. I wasn't like, oh, this is amazing. I've got this massive sense of peace. I just felt. All right, enough. It was bearable.
00:47:59 Speaker 1
But the kids kind of enjoyed it, and it was nice. We saw my brother and his wife and the kids and it was fine and people were nice. And this I thought this something a little bit different about this church.
00:48:08 Speaker 1
And around this time.
00:48:11 Speaker 1
It sounds really silly but.
00:48:13 Speaker 1
Elijah must have been about two, maybe. And we there was a Justin Bieber album out, right? And it had been on when.
00:48:26 Speaker 1
People have been around the house.
00:48:29 Speaker 1
Helping me with the babies and cleaning and stuff. And they'd had this. They'd had this Justin Bieber album on and I I I thought this is alright, this is quite cool. It was a Christian album and I.
00:48:38 Speaker 1
Kind of knew it was, but I.
00:48:40 Speaker 1
I liked it, so I listened to it and I have it on in the car and every single day. The only song that Elijah wanted to listen to and the only song that.
00:48:48 Speaker 1
Would make him happy in the car.
00:48:49 Speaker 1
Was I can't remember the real name of the song, but it all it basically says is there's nobody like you, Jesus.
00:48:56 Speaker 1
And he would say to me every single day won't no one like you, Jesus every day. So every day in the car, we're listening to this song about Jesus.
00:49:05 Speaker 1
And I'm like, ohh, OK, I'm singing and I'm listening to this music and and music really resonated with me. Music made me feel things and in.
00:49:15 Speaker 1
My cars like wow, OK.
00:49:17 Speaker 1
And and Elijah loved church. He wanted to talk about church. He wanted to go to church, and he wanted this. Nobody like you. Jesus song on. And he'd sing it every day. And I thought, wow, you know, this is this is really special. And I knew he was.
00:49:30 Speaker 1
Special I knew he was.
00:49:31 Speaker 1
A gift. And I knew that we should carry on going to church. And then we got invited on. Now, for course at this church.
00:49:38 Speaker 1
And I'd done alpha courses before. I don't know if I'd ever seen one through, but I'd dump it. But again, come away fuming, angry, annoyed. Wound up. Never wanna go there again. Aggressive. This. This kind of animal. Of of just. I don't even know, but someone that you would think was crazy.
00:49:58 Speaker 1
Because I hate that. Argue with them. People really thought she is horrible because I, you know, maybe they didn't, but it was it wasn't good. It wasn't good. So anyway, I and Jacob and I were gonna do it together. And, you know, our family facilitated.
00:50:17 Speaker 1
The children to look after the children so that we go to self course together. So we went to this alpha course and it wasn't like other alpha courses. I've been to some half courses I'd been to had a meal.
00:50:26 Speaker 1
And had it.
00:50:27 Speaker 1
Was really professional. This wasn't. This was in a room.
00:50:31 Speaker 1
It was with.
00:50:32 Speaker 1
A few people. It wasn't that busy and it.
00:50:34 Speaker 1
Was it was.
00:50:36 Speaker 1
Kind of so simple.
00:50:38 Speaker 1
And there wasn't those young people. It wasn't a hip at all. It wasn't cool, but it was lovely. It was just. I felt OK. I felt safe.
00:50:50 Speaker 1
We did this alpha course and through this alpha course I'd heard some of it before I knew a lot of it because I I I had researched God, I'd researched into my argument of why it's not kind of trying not properly, but I had and I knew the answers of what people said. I could almost convince you to be a Christian, cause I'd tried. I'd had these conversations with people.
00:51:10 Speaker 1
When I convinced me to be a Christian, so I knew it, I just didn't want. I didn't wanna believe it.
00:51:16 Speaker 1
So there we are and we're in it and we're going for it. One time I did feel it was the one about.
00:51:25 Speaker 1
I think no, it wasn't that late on. I don't know what it was about the alpha, but I suddenly thought I need to get out of here and I got that feeling in my neck again and.
00:51:33 Speaker 1
I was like, I just wanna get out. And I was crying.
00:51:36 Speaker 1
And I just needed.
00:51:37 Speaker 1
To get away and.
00:51:39 Speaker 1
Someone came out and I told them I just said what my life would kind of looked like and she was like, you need prayer like you really need prayer cause I'm still struggling. I wanted to be there but I was struggling with all this.
00:51:49 Speaker 1
So I'm in there and we're doing it and I thought, OK, you know, maybe I'll have some prayer, whatever. And we were going away and I started to think about God. And at this point I wanted.
00:52:03 Speaker 1
A job and I thought I I need to be more than a mum. I'm feeling a bit stale. I want to be called something other than Mummy.
00:52:11 Speaker 1
My brains going. I just felt like I needed. It was gonna make me a better mum and it did. But I didn't really know what that was gonna look like. We had no family, really support. You know, a lot of my friends who were mums had their mums look after their children and all this and and we didn't. So I thought, OK, how this is going to work so.
00:52:29 Speaker 1
We are.
00:52:31 Speaker 1
I prayed, I thought, OK, I'm gonna pray, I'm gonna start praying and my praying wasn't. Dear God on my hands and knees. It was when I was in the car listening to this music, worship music.
00:52:42 Speaker 1
And I just talked to him like he was there and that was what my that's still really what my brain looks like, to be honest, is as well most often prays in my car.
00:52:51 Speaker 1
And when I'm driving around and.
00:52:53 Speaker 1
I just said OK, like this is what I want to do and me and Jacob were talking about it one night and.
00:53:00 Speaker 1
And we were talking about what I'd need to earn or something. It was something. And we came up with this really specific number. I don't know if it was for our kind of what we wanted to move or what, and we searched up jobs of the kind of field I wanted to be in.
00:53:14 Speaker 1
And the first one that was up was that exact number that we'd set. We needed the exact number and I was like, that's strange.
00:53:22 Speaker 1
And it ended that night, and it was probably about 10:00, and it ended at mid.
00:53:27 Speaker 1
Night and Jacob said just supply and I said no, I've got nothing. I've got no.
00:53:31 Speaker 1
Skills. Nothing.
00:53:33 Speaker 1
And I applied, we wrote it on my notes on my phone, and we applied for this job, and we went and I went to see the pastor of the church. And I was talking to, and I told her my whole life because at church.
00:53:47 Speaker 1
I felt still, I felt dirty. I felt.
00:53:50 Speaker 1
Like all these people are perfect and pure and Christian and I'm here and I'm not. I'm dirty and I know that I started to realise that I knew.
00:54:02 Speaker 1
The enemy I knew the enemy was real, and that's when I realised where there's bad. There must be good because I really knew that, but I knew that I had some really dark stuff around me. I knew I started to kind of know a bit more about the enemy and I know we don't like. We don't want to give him time or.
00:54:22 Speaker 1
Anything but he he was he had been or was in my life.
00:54:26 Speaker 1
At this point.
00:54:27 Speaker 1
He had a hold on me. Something demonic was with me and I started to really see that and noticed that. And I I think maybe I'd known it before so.
00:54:38 Speaker 1
She prayed of me and and nothing really happened, but she said to me, you're not grounded. You're not rooted. You need to root yourself. This is what it she.
00:54:47 Speaker 1
Was really nice.
00:54:48 Speaker 1
And she even said, you know, maybe you should talk to someone. And I thought she's not just saying.
00:54:53 Speaker 1
She wasn't. It wasn't a cult. It didn't feel like a cult. It was really nice. Genuine. The most lovely person. She's she was just amazing. And she said to me.
00:55:02 Speaker 1
What you're doing, what you're living, is exhausting. And as I am exhausted because I was just, I just was juggling all this stuff all at once and trying to be amazing. Trying to be a good mum, trying to be a good girlfriend, trying to just be all the time. This person like on a tread on one of those hamster wheels.
00:55:23 Speaker 1
And she.
00:55:23 Speaker 1
Said let God take the driving seat.
00:55:27 Speaker 1
And I was like, no way.
00:55:29 Speaker 1
And I went away and I thought, OK, I'll let you take the driving seat on.
00:55:33 Speaker 1
My job on.
00:55:34 Speaker 1
My work because I I don't have that yet, so I'll let you take the wheel with that. That's that's all I'm gonna.
00:55:40 Speaker 1
Anyway, so then I got an interview for this job. I thought we must have that wrong because it was honestly, you know, just me writing and and I got an interview.
00:55:49 Speaker 1
For this job and.
00:55:51 Speaker 1
I did the interview and at the end and I talked about some volunteering I'd done because I had volunteered with people. They were kind of people I knew or people, friends of friends, but supporting them in situations. So I had done that. But they said to me at the end, or can we just ask who you volunteered with?
00:56:07 Speaker 1
And I said, well, no, it wasn't really kind of like that. And then they said Ohh, I'm not sure you we can accept you kind of thing.
00:56:14 Speaker 1
And I said OK and half an hour later he rang me and said we want to offer you the job.
00:56:20 Speaker 1
And again I.
00:56:21 Speaker 1
Was like what?
00:56:22 Speaker 1
Like it, this was completely.
00:56:24 Speaker 1
Different and I was like ohh OK.
00:56:26 Speaker 1
I said, but the thing.
00:56:27 Speaker 1
Is no. Yeah, I think. I don't know if it was right then. No, I.
00:56:30 Speaker 1
Accepted it them anyway and then.
00:56:33 Speaker 1
I was looking at, I thought I.
00:56:34 Speaker 1
Don't want a.
00:56:35 Speaker 1
Full time job. Well, I don't want these full time hours. No, I don't want that. But that's what I've been offered.
00:56:40 Speaker 1
And I think I said to him on the phone, I'm not sure I want full time. And he said no, that is all it is. So again, I prayed about and said, OK, like, what should I do? This is down to you kind of thing literally just giving.
00:56:50 Speaker 1
It to him. I didn't ask for anything. I just said what's going on.
00:56:54 Speaker 1
Then when I kind of it was around Christmas and I came back.
00:56:57 Speaker 1
And they said.
00:56:58 Speaker 1
All right. We'll offer you part time.
00:57:02 Speaker 1
And again I thought, and I started to now, I started to know this isn't coincidence. This can't be. It's it's stupid things. It's coincidence. Some people say it is, but it's not.
00:57:12 Speaker 1
These things just don't happen and I forget all of them. I should really write them all down, but all these things started happening and the childcare fell into place and everything fell into place with this job and I continued doing our.
00:57:26 Speaker 1
And then.
00:57:27 Speaker 1
We had.
00:57:29 Speaker 1
Me and Jacob were having a conversation one night about God and about life, and it was just me and him at home. And the children were in bed, and Jacob's dad ended his own life and we were talking about him and we were just saying, you know, is he in heaven? Where is he?
00:57:49 Speaker 1
Like, that's a really hard concept to come to terms to, to, to.
00:57:53 Speaker 1
Deal with his.
00:57:54 Speaker 1
Grief is where is he?
00:57:56 Speaker 1
Because I think it says and I. You know, I'm quite a new Christian. So I don't know all the Bible, but I think it might say something about it being a sin or something, I don't know. But I knew it. I didn't think. I didn't know. I really didn't know. Did he know? God, I don't know what? What you know, we don't know what he said in his last few hours. We don't know anything.
00:58:15 Speaker 1
And that's a really hard concept.
00:58:16 Speaker 1
We just were having a conversation about it and we we prayed it and that was the first time we prayed together and I prayed for him and I don't. I didn't want to. I didn't really like doing that, but I did and I felt awkward and uncomfortable. What we did it.
00:58:29 Speaker 1
And then we went to alpha that week.
00:58:32 Speaker 1
And Jacob started opening up and he said something along the lines of and there was a there was a man there this week who hadn't been there before. And he said something along the lines. Jacob was saying something along the lines of I find it really hard because my dad killed himself.
00:58:49 Speaker 1
And this man, that all he had said, and this man was like.
00:58:52 Speaker 4
You're all deluded.
00:58:53 Speaker 1
It and started just throwing abuse at him like this massive attack and this was when Jacob had first started, like opening up and he's just going mad at him. So the people in our group rushed us off into this little room and they prayed. They gathered around us and they prayed.
00:59:12 Speaker 1
That's what they did. That's how they dealt with that and they just started praying for Jacob, and they were just really, really praying.
00:59:19 Speaker 1
And one lady.
00:59:20 Speaker 1
Said. I just really feel like God's telling me to tell you that your.
00:59:25 Speaker 1
Dad is in heaven.
00:59:28 Speaker 1
I was just crying because I thought, how does she know? Like this is? What's this is all starting to become really real because you can say things are coincidences, but things like that. Why would anyone? Why would that happen? How can you explain that? For a coincidence? It's a very odd unrealistic coincidence.
00:59:47 Speaker 1
So I really started to know I was like this is this is real and we did alpha, we completed alpha and.
00:59:57 Speaker 1
I was quite I was quite that like, I felt like. Yeah, I have a faith I.
01:00:02 Speaker 1
Believe in God.
01:00:05 Speaker 1
And we will go into church, but.
01:00:06 Speaker 1
You are then just left.
01:00:08 Speaker 1
So then we were just left in this kind of believing in God. I was listening to music. I was trying to read things, find the Bible really hard to read. I'll be really honest. I I don't make enough time for it. And that's something I really am trying to do.
01:00:20 Speaker 1
But I just didn't know. And again, this spiritual attack was coming and I was just me and Jacob were arguing. And.
01:00:27 Speaker 1
He was just his massive spiritual attack on on my mental health again and I just was. I really wanted to know God. I knew he was good.
01:00:39 Speaker 1
But this mental health was just coming in and coming in, and the closer I was trying to get to God, the more this was coming in and I just thought, no, this is too hard, that this is this is too hard, because what's the point?
01:00:53 Speaker 1
When I was actually doing fine.
01:00:56 Speaker 1
But now it's getting harder because I'm drawing closer to God than this. And I knew about the spiritual battle, and it was just felt like this is exhausting. I can't. And I just hit rock bottom, like, massively rock bottom.
01:01:13 Speaker 1
I just wasn't OK. I just really wasn't OK and things would go, OK? And then they weren't. And my job was good and things were good. But I just wasn't their spiritual battle just happening. And I'd go into church and I'd cry every single time. I'd cry, and I knew that was some kind of healing, but.
01:01:30 Speaker 1
It was just really, really hard and I just.
01:01:37 Speaker 1
I was.
01:01:38 Speaker 1
Didn't know where to go really. I didn't really know what to do and something that had happened in A1 of the things I was really.
01:01:44 Speaker 1
Struggling with was.
01:01:46 Speaker 1
I didn't want to give God the glory. I didn't want to because I'd got to where it was. He hadn't got me there. I'd got there. I was really selfish in it, and I didn't want to. No, he might be real, but I've got to where I am today on my own and I.
01:02:00 Speaker 1
I almost was kind of like I'm strong and I'm independent and that's what you're told to be a strong, independent woman and the world.
01:02:07 Speaker 1
Feeds you that.
01:02:08 Speaker 1
And I thought why? Why?
01:02:10 Speaker 1
Do I want him? You know? No, he didn't get me here. And some of the songs, you know, you've always been there for me and I can't think of specific lines, but I hear.
01:02:17 Speaker 1
Them even now, and I think.
01:02:20
Do I feel that?
01:02:22 Speaker 1
And I didn't feel that looking back. He probably was always there. I didn't see him, but it doesn't feel like he scooped me up and walked with me. It was a very if I do believe he was there, but it was a very gentle walk and it was he did let me do it. I do think that. But he was there.
01:02:40 Speaker 1
I think choosing the paths, choosing certain things, but I didn't feel like he was there. So I remember saying I don't want to give him that glory and and the the guy that led our group still laughs about it now because I was so adamant. No, I'm not giving you that.
01:02:56 Speaker 1
And I started really listening to songs and people around me would send me music, and there was a song called Take it to Jesus that really spoke to me. And it basically said all you're broken all your everything. Take it to him. So I did and I said.
01:03:15 Speaker 1
I'm really angry with you. I'm really, really angry.
01:03:19 Speaker 1
And I don't like you very much. Sometimes I don't understand why this has happened, why you've let all of this happened to me. That is how it felt.
01:03:30 Speaker 1
I he'd let all of this hurt. All of this pain, all of this trauma happen. Why? Why are you doing this? Why? I know you're real. I know you're good, but I'm. I'm cross. I'm angry. And he was like, all right? Like, I really felt like him going OK.
01:03:45 Speaker 1
And he wasn't like, ohh dare you? It was like I know he knew. And I was like ohh. This is the first person to feel safe that person. But this is the first person to feel safe with this, with this stuff. And he I didn't hear it as an audible voice. I didn't. I don't know how I hear.
01:04:02 Speaker 1
God, but I hear him and and I felt him.
01:04:06 Speaker 1
OK, I hear you, I know.
01:04:08 Speaker 1
That's OK. And I was like, oh, and this was, I started to feel safer in this emotion because.
01:04:15 Speaker 1
I told him I wasn't hiding it from him. I wasn't hiding.
01:04:19 Speaker 1
I wasn't pretending cause part of me was pretending. Oh, yeah, God's good. But deep down, I was like God's not good. I don't know if God's good. I don't know this.
01:04:27 Speaker 1
So I really started to give it to him. And you know, they talk about forgiveness and alpha, and I'd forgiven my dad and I started to really believe, and I I really like the concept of of Christianity. Anyway, it is a nice concept whether you believe whether you have a faith forgiving, being kind, you know, all the rooted values.
01:04:46 Speaker 1
Christianity is a nice way to live so.
01:04:50 Speaker 1
And I really like the thought at one point that my mum was in heaven. You know, that's a nice thought as well.
01:04:57 Speaker 1
So again, I know gold's real.
01:05:00 Speaker 1
I know the things are happening, but I'm also kind of to still live with my life, so I'm in this really.
01:05:04 Speaker 1
Odd place of just just.
01:05:07 Speaker 1
Plodding and and kind of moving and it was very gentle, very slow, to be honest. It wasn't. You hear stories about people walking somewhere one day and they have prayer and they fall to the floor and this stuff to take.
01:05:20 Speaker 1
And I think, wow, you know, and I'd heard that before, I'd heard that at these Christian festivals and camps.
01:05:27 Speaker 1
And that wasn't happening to me. So part of me was a bit like, oh, you know, I I'm not worthy still because not often did I hear stories about it taking a really long time.
01:05:40 Speaker 1
So it was this really gentle thing and it was there was ups and downs, but I was praying and I was talking to God, giving him get, telling him what do you want, you know, really, really trying to build a relationship. And that's what I did. First I built a relationship. I wouldn't say I was a Christian. I wouldn't say I.
01:05:58 Speaker 1
Was religious, I'd say I built a relationship with God and it wasn't at first. Probably the strongest relationship at all because I was crossed and every time I'd go to church, I'd cry and I'd let this out. But I'd feel a bit better.
01:06:12 Speaker 1
And then I started to just really see spiritual things. I'd start to feel spiritual things. I started to feel when I didn't feel like things were right. And I really kind of knew that God was better when I started to pray in these situations. And I.
01:06:26 Speaker 1
And I went to Becca and talked to her.
01:06:27 Speaker 1
About this.
01:06:27 Speaker 1
Again, and who was the pastor of the church?
01:06:32 Speaker 1
And she we we talked about everything and I told her the truth. And I said, I really feel dirty. I feel really, really dirty. And I feel not good enough to be a Christian, not with God, but with other Christians. I felt it in a way.
01:06:48 Speaker 1
Maybe with God.
01:06:49 Speaker 1
But I didn't. I was I didn't want anyone really to know me.
01:06:52 Speaker 1
I thought if they knew about me, but then they wouldn't be talking to me. They won't be inviting me round the house for.
01:07:00 Speaker 1
And I'm I wasn't the same. I'm still to this day, I'm outspoken. I say the wrong thing. I'm not a perfect Christian. I'm really not. I I say things that maybe I shouldn't and I make mistakes. And I'm fiery. I'm really, really fiery and a lot of I'm not.
01:07:19 Speaker 1
I'm nice, but I see these people as being so lovely and nice and I'm like, wow, and I'm really in awe of them and that's not me. It's not. I'm nice.
01:07:27 Speaker 1
Person, but I'm.
01:07:29 Speaker 1
Different and I talked to her about this, but at the same time I felt really dirty and.
01:07:33 Speaker 1
Those feelings of being.
01:07:34 Speaker 1
Not worthy. All those feelings from my childhood of the abandonment of feeling not good enough. All of that. Was there still really strong. And I could see it in my relationship. I was really showing these cracks of being scared and being.
01:07:50 Speaker 1
Fearful and running away from things and not facing things and our marriage was wasn't great. I was angry with Jacob at times and.
01:07:59 Speaker 1
I'd push him away or I'd run away, or I could really see these cracks in my relationship on that were coming from my trauma coming from my early childhood and my kind of life.
01:08:12 Speaker 1
Because I don't really know what it felt like to be loved, I didn't really know, so we had to develop that and I talked to Becca about all this and she really prayed for me.
01:08:24 Speaker 1
And it wasn't it wasn't, you know, in tongues and aggressive prayer, nothing like that. It was. It was just a normal press. She just kept praying really gently, kind of like this.
01:08:36 Speaker 1
And I'm just there.
01:08:39 Speaker 1
Allowing it really allowing this prayer and I just felt the Holy Spirit.
01:08:45 Speaker 1
And I I had kind of felt it before, but not massively. I knew when I was crying, it was the Holy Spirit. I did know that, but I started feeling it.
01:08:52 Speaker 1
And in my I could just say.
01:08:56 Speaker 1
Black tar being pulled off me.
01:09:01 Speaker 1
1 by 1.
01:09:02 Speaker 1
And I was just letting it go. I wasn't holding on to it because I was still holding on to all of this stuff. I think my hurt, my trauma myself, harm.
01:09:13 Speaker 1
It was mine. I felt like self harm was mine, even though I wasn't doing it, I still held on to it.
01:09:19 Speaker 1
I couldn't we.
01:09:19 Speaker 1
Talk about it of people because I was a bit scared that someone else had that I was at all. If I knew someone else was self harming, I'd compare and be like I need to do that now. It was really odd. It was really unhealthy. So all these things I was holding.
01:09:35 Speaker 1
I just started to kind of feel I was letting go really gently.
01:09:40 Speaker 1
And just started to feel this piece and this tall was just coming off me. And I just came out of it and I felt different. And I just felt this fire inside for God and nothing dramatic had happened. But I just wanted to tell everyone because I was on this high, like I'd never been on before.
01:10:00 Speaker 1
It was a high like no drug I'd ever taken. It was this, this feeling that I was like. I need more like a drug. But the best drug you've ever been on.
01:10:11 Speaker 1
And I wanted more and more and more. So that got me in the spiral of I wanted to tell my friends. I wanted to tell everyone about God. I all I wanted to talk about was God, and I was going into church thinking why is no one talking about it more? You know, why can't why we're not.
01:10:24 Speaker 1
Talking about all this stuff.
01:10:25 Speaker 1
I just wanted to talk all the time.
01:10:27 Speaker 1
And luckily I had people in my life that wanted to talk to me about it.
01:10:31 Speaker 1
But I was just on fire and that's where it. That's where the real I thought. No, I'm a Christian. Like.
01:10:36 Speaker 1
I believe in God.
01:10:38 Speaker 1
Now and and it just went and my life just started to change my views on life started.
01:10:45 Speaker 1
Change. I can't tell you why my mum died. I don't know. I really don't know. And I could try. And those things I think of, you know, maybe, maybe, maybe.
01:10:56 Speaker 1
It hurts. I miss her dearly. Every day. I wish the children got to meet her. I wish she was here for me to ring and say mum like and my wedding. I'd love my mum to us and my dad to have seen that they didn't. It hurts me deeply.
01:11:10 Speaker 1
But I feel at peace about it, and that's the difference. I haven't gone over it. I haven't.
01:11:18 Speaker 1
You know, forgotten about it. But I feel like it's OK and it it's really not OK. So in my head it's really different to my heart in that in a way because it's not really OK that she died. It's not OK what happened. But I feel quite peaceful about it because I'm trusting in God. He's got a plan.
01:11:38 Speaker 1
And I don't understand it in a way I think. Take it. I've carried a lot of.
01:11:44 Speaker 1
Adult things throughout my life of worrying about stuff and caring about stuff and thinking about things for for a long time, it's actually really nice to to let it go and go, you know that I'll know one day and I feel quite a peace about that and I'm quite a controlling person. I like to know what's gonna happen. I like a planner. You.
01:12:01 Speaker 1
Know, but I don't feel that I'm like OK.
01:12:04 Speaker 1
I'm gonna ask him one day, but it's not.
01:12:06 Speaker 1
In a why?
01:12:08 Speaker 1
Did you do that? It's in, like, OK, tell me. Talk to me. Tell me what's going on and.
01:12:13 Speaker 1
I wouldn't be where I'm at today. I wouldn't be who I am today.
01:12:17 Speaker 1
Without that, so maybe you know that could be it, but I start, you know, I feel it in peace and my relationship has improved since we know God. Since we walk with God and that since.
01:12:32 Speaker 1
We pray about stuff, you know, before, when things were going wrong, I would try and deal with it or Jacob would try and deal with it. And actually we don't know how to deal with it, especially the extreme emotion that I was feeling in this trauma that I projected onto him.
01:12:46 Speaker 1
So now we pray about it and it helps and it works. And it's peaceful and and our marriage isn't perfect. We argue and we, you know, some days I think, Oh my goodness, you know, you're driving.
01:12:57 Speaker 1
Up the wall.
01:12:58 Speaker 1
But we really love each other and we both want to be better, and we both love God so.
01:13:04 Speaker 1
We're really new Christians. We're so new, but we are bringing our children up. We have had our children dedicated. We want our children to be Christians. I know that they are guests from God. I know that God's got something amazing planned for them.
01:13:20 Speaker 1
I'm just excited to know what God's got planned. I feel like there's something planned. I don't know what it is. It could be something tiny, but there's something that's that's happening. I've still got a long way to go, but.
01:13:31 Speaker 1
I'm on this journey and I'm feeling so much different. Elijah came home from school.
01:13:39 Speaker 1
And had a problem and and it was quite an insignificant problem he'd lost.
01:13:42 Speaker 1
Something at school?
01:13:44 Speaker 1
And I didn't really know what to say about it because I couldn't really do anything about it. So I said to him, should we pray about it? And he said.
01:13:53 Speaker 1
I already have.
01:13:54 Speaker 1
And that moment just I knew I was like, yes, you know, this is that brought me so much joy. And it's a tiniest little thing and, you know, and actually he'd prayed about it and we prayed about it again. And he went when he went back to school, he didn't have it. But the day after.
01:14:13 Speaker 1
It was found and it's so unbelievable that it was found because it's this tiniest little thing ever and it was found and he ran out and he said it was found. And I said, what do we need to?
01:14:23 Speaker 1
Do and he was like thank.
01:14:24 Speaker 1
You, God and I thought you're teaching me. You are teaching me stuff here and.
01:14:31 Speaker 1
Some people would say, you know, I had a baby out of wedlock.
01:14:35 Speaker 1
I had.
01:14:36 Speaker 1
A I've sinned massively throughout my life and I still sin every day I do, you know, I say things that I think I should have said that I'm not perfect, but God doesn't judge me for that. And I know that I'm not judged by him.
01:14:50 Speaker 1
Whereas I felt I felt judged my whole life, I felt like I had to please people.
01:14:54 Speaker 1
I felt, you know, not good enough. He doesn't judge me and he accepts me for who I am, and he's using me and you know.
01:15:04 Speaker 1
I sometimes think ohh. You know what? What am I? What have I got to give? But when I kind of look into it more and look at the Bible more, he didn't always use perfect people. Quite often he did use people who weren't perfect and that's who he hung out with. And and.
01:15:20 Speaker 1
I you know, I feel like ohh yeah. OK, I'm alright.
01:15:25 Speaker 1
It's about me now and he knew my journey before I went on it. He I do think guided my journey, even though it's not always positive. I do think he guided that. I think there's reasons all of these things happened.
01:15:38 Speaker 1
There was times where I could have gone a really different way, you know, groomed and and was asked to do things and stuff. But I did say.
01:15:45 Speaker 1
No, and things did happen. I haven't really gone into cause. I've been here all night and I've been here, you know, been talking a long time anyway.
01:15:53 Speaker 1
But lots of if you really delve into the specifics.
01:15:57 Speaker 1
It's unbelievable. You know what?
01:16:01 Speaker 1
How I've how I'm here and I am who I am today with what I've done and where I've been and the little situations I've been in. It is unbelievable. Even I don't believe it sometimes. So I think he was there on the way and it it's, I don't know. I don't know what that looks like.
01:16:18 Speaker 1
But I know now what that looks like and I know that it's easier for me to give it to God and it's he's walking with me and he's leading me and he's healing me. I've had this massive healing, I've had that tar ripped off, which was in.
01:16:32 Speaker 1
I've still got things to hear. Well, now I have. I'm I think you know, I'll heal forever.
01:16:38 Speaker 1
I still have days where I feel anxious or I feel.
01:16:42 Speaker 1
You know, bit down and and things, but I know how to deal with that. And Becca said to me tell when you have those thoughts when you have those thoughts, tell them to get out and she, she shouted out, won't shout on her, but she really shouted it and and it sounds so simple, but it works. It really, really works and I do it. So get out. You're not welcome. You're not here. You're not mine.
01:17:05 Speaker 1
And I will never, you know, it used to be my self harm. Mine said no. I'll never say that. I don't. You know. I'll try not to say that because it's not mine. I don't accept it into my life. And you can get out. You can give it back. And I speak the truth into my life because it is the truth.
01:17:22 Speaker 1
And that is leading me to happiness and peace and great things. And I'm not scared anymore. I've lived my whole life in fear and I'm not scared. Even when I'm in situations where I think, oh, I don't know, I'm like good God it and it.
01:17:35 Speaker 1
Is actually a really nice place to be, and people might think, oh, you know, you've had a hard life or people have had a hard life. It's nice for them. You hear it, don't you? It's nice for them to think of God because it's helps them to process. It's not. It's not nice to think like that. It's actually really, really hard to believe in God and to follow it.
01:17:54 Speaker 1
And to know him and to face that battle, it's hard. It's not. It's not easy, actually at all with.
01:18:01 Speaker 1
With the kind of things you get against you, the attacks, it's not nice to think it's not easy. It's really, really not. But it's worth it. It's so worth it when you really know that feeling. I would. I would do it again and again and again. No drug has made me feel like this. No therapy and I and I think therapy is really, really important.
01:18:21 Speaker 1
But no therapy has healed me in the way that I have been healed. No medication has healed me in the.
01:18:26 Speaker 1
Have been healed and throughout this journey where I kind of was going to offer if I came off my medication and it just happened, it wasn't kind of one day I just didn't take it. It just happened and I haven't gone back on it since and if I needed to, I would. I would go back on there. But right now God's got that and I'd been on it about 12 years, something like that.
01:18:48 Speaker 1
It's a long time. It's a really long time and people I never thought I'd be off it, but I am and it's just such a better way to live. So my journey is still going. I'm a brand new born again Christian. I'm not. This isn't the end of my story. This is just the beginning. But.
01:19:07 Speaker 1
It's just.
01:19:08 Speaker 1
Amazed me how God has moved in my life.
01:19:12 Speaker 1
And is still accepting me and after everything you know. So yeah, we'll see.
01:19:18 Speaker 4
Just to clarify, how old are you right now, Annie, 23 to your own baby. It's an incredible, amazing, like story. It's just it's just it's just beautiful to hear. Like what you've how far you've come. Obviously, we know you really well. So for us it's been years.
01:19:23 Speaker 1
I'm a baby.
01:19:38 Speaker 4
Of prayer and it's just amazing to hear you talking now about your testimony is just incredible because at times we just thought ohh my gosh.
01:19:49 Speaker 4
Like Lord, help us, you know, because it was really sad and I just want to.
01:19:55 Speaker 4
One quick question like what is your friends reactions now to like how you've like dramatically changed, I mean your friends have probably you're you're quite young, so like you had friends in college, you know, they've got they've you know you're at that age where you've got friends around you. What's their reaction like is it?
01:20:15 Speaker 4
What are they thinking about all this?
01:20:16 Speaker 1
It's been a mixed response from different people I've had people say to me.
01:20:21 Speaker 1
Me. You've changed. You're different. Like, what is this? What's going on? And people say I need some of.
01:20:27 Speaker 1
This you know.
01:20:28 Speaker 1
And it's, they know me, my friends, who knew me as this kind of unhappy person who did drugs and all this, and they're looking at me thinking, wow, you know, people have said to me even Jacob has said to me, you are different, you are different and you know, God, there's something different about you.
01:20:43 Speaker 1
And I am a nicer person. I am, and my friends do see that some of my friends think I'm crazy.
01:20:49 Speaker 1
They really do. But then they'll say to me. But can you pray about that? You know, so they hear it in my life. Really cool. And, you know, I've got friends who've been through stuff I do attract. Sometimes people with, with stuff going on. And I love them. I actually love people like that I love.
01:21:09 Speaker 1
The broken people. I love, people who are in these dark places, and sometimes people say you shouldn't surround yourself with people like that, and I don't surround myself with.
01:21:16 Speaker 1
Them but I.
01:21:17 Speaker 1
Will love them and I just. I just love people. Like who, who are going through stuff and helping them and.
01:21:26 Speaker 1
I don't know where I.
01:21:27 Speaker 1
Was going.
01:21:27 Speaker 1
With that, that's.
01:21:28 Speaker 4
The same guy.
01:21:29 Speaker 1
OK. But it's, yeah, it's, it's that kind of feeling of I will pray for them because I know that's where I was going. I know the prayer that was hard for me and I know the years and years and years of prayer that it took and how grateful I am to those people who didn't give up and were consistent.
01:21:46 Speaker 1
And and trusted God themselves, that this is going to take as long as it takes. IC do that for my friends and.
01:21:53 Speaker 1
And lead through that? Yeah. Give back in that.
01:21:53 Speaker 4
You can give that gift back.
01:21:57 Speaker 4
One more question for people that are.
01:22:00 Speaker 4
Sitting in that anger and just, you know, like it cripples you, doesn't it? You know, like pain and depression. It's like a crippling.
01:22:10 Speaker 4
You're just. It's just awful. What would? What? What would you say to those people like that are just sitting in that, like, pure anger? Because it's a really tough place to be. Would you have any advice for that? Because I know your journey was quite slow, but ultimately it was prayer. I think that.
01:22:31 Speaker 4
From listening that really like it was the catalyst of what changed you, but what what would you say? What would you have advice for those people?
01:22:41 Speaker 1
Pray, I think I think with that anger, it's a really unsafe place to be. It's a really unsafe and scary place and.
01:22:50 Speaker 1
I think give it to him. What have you got to lose? I think when you're in that deepest and darkest place of depression, where I've been, where you just wanna die, try. If you're if you're not bothered about dying. Which is is where? Where a lot of people are where I was.
01:23:06 Speaker 1
Why not try, you know, and give it to him. He can handle it no matter how angry you are. Whether you're angry with him, whether you're angry with yourself, whether you're angry with people, tell him, tell him he already knows. So once you tell him, it gives him that opportunity to step in, you know. But if you're not going to open yourself up and open up your heart.
01:23:27 Speaker 1
I don't think he sits in and like steps in and I really believe that he does things.
01:23:30 Speaker 1
At your pace.
01:23:32 Speaker 1
And I wasn't ready until I was ready, you know? And he knows when you're ready, but you've got to say, OK, he's not a God who will intrude. So open up, ask for prayer, go to a church and ask for prayer. And if you're, you know, if you're trying with God, go to another church. If that one wasn't right for you, go to another one because you know.
01:23:52 Speaker 1
Every church is different. It's not about the church, it's about God. And I think you have to remember that it's not about the Christians, it's about.
01:24:00 Speaker 1
God and church can sometimes look like this posh, fancy place. Everyone's in their Sunday best, everyone's amazing and you're broken. And that's what it should be. If if all you can get to church in is your pyjamas because you're so unhappy that you can't even get dressed, go. That's what it is. It's that hospital. It's that place, you know? Go to church.
01:24:20 Speaker 1
And tell them you're angry. Tell them just just.
01:24:23 Speaker 1
Ask God to show you. Ask God to tell you what to do. Ask him what to do with his anger. Pray about it. Sing about it. Listen to music. Listen to songs where they talk about it. There are songs where it's not all happy. Jolly God is amazing all the time. There's songs that talk about what you do with that pain because he can handle that.
01:24:44 Speaker 1
Pain. You can't. He doesn't want you to carry that pain, he.
01:24:46 Speaker 1
Wants you to.
01:24:47 Speaker 1
Give it to him. He wants you to let him take the will with that and help you.
01:24:52 Speaker 1
And just anything that you felt isn't from God or anything that you've tapped into or anything that has managed to get in, tell it to get out just just if that's all you can say, if you can't break, just tell it to get out. And it's not welcome and just pray. Just keep praying because that is what will.
01:25:12 Speaker 1
Help. I know that's not. Yeah, you know, it's nothing special. I wish it was more, but just pray and keep praying and try and.
01:25:19 Speaker 4
It it doesn't matter excess enough.
01:25:21
Yeah, that's all it is.
01:25:21 Speaker 4
It's amazing, isn't it?
01:25:24 Speaker 4
That is awesome. I think if you could just end on a little prayer for anyone that's listening right now to your story and something resonates with them and they've heard your story and they're thinking this is me, can you just pray over these people just for us to end?
01:25:41
OK.
01:25:44 Speaker 1
Lord, we just thank you that those people listening to this and we just hope that this reaches the people that needs to hear it. I pray that anyone who's feeling lonely, anyone that's feeling angry or lost or broken or unhappy or has has grief.
01:26:00 Speaker 1
I just pray that you just meet with them. I pray that you touch them in a way that they are comfortable with and in a way that suits them. I pray that they meet somebody. I pray that someone is praying for them. I pray over them. I pray that they feel your presence, that they feel your peace and that they know to look for you, Lord and I just. I just pray that they know that this feeling isn't.
01:26:20 Speaker 1
From you and it's not OK and that you don't want them to feel that and that they're not alone. They're not broken. Then they are enough and that you want them, and that they just feel that that, that they are wanted and that.
01:26:34 Speaker 1
They they should give it to you and they should look and seek you because you love them and you want them, no matter how broken or abandoned or dirty they feel. And I just pray that they feel the strength to do that and that they are worthy of at least that if that's all they feel worthy of, that they are worthy of a prayer or to ask you to meet with them. Lord.
01:26:56 Speaker 1
Amen. Amen.
01:27:21 Speaker 2
Thanks for listening to the Jesus Studio podcast.
01:27:24 Speaker 2
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01:27:27 Speaker 2
The testimonials and stories shared reflect the personal experiences and unique journeys of our guests. Shop our merch at jesusstudio.co.uk.