South Asians Rising
S1 EP3 - Viji Mahalingam: Overcoming Relationship Issues Through Self Healing
Sometimes, the strength to heal and grow is found within the eye of the storm. In this episode, Viji shares her experience of navigating through marital problems by looking within and facing some hard truths. From avoiding conflict to facing it head on, Viji went on a journey of self discovery which ended up saving her marriage.
Listeners will hear us discuss relationship dynamics, the roles we play, and the critical shifts that come from moments of introspection. We also highlight the importance of having boundaries and give tips on how to start loving yourself more and finding self acceptance. We invite you to reflect on your own life choices, making sure you are making decisions that honour your needs and have a positive impact on your wellbeing.
Sometimes, the strength to heal and grow is found within the eye of the storm. In this episode, Viji shares her experience of navigating through marital problems by looking within and facing some hard truths. From avoiding conflict to facing it head on, Viji went on a journey of self discovery which ended up saving her marriage.
Listeners will hear us discuss relationship dynamics, the roles we play, and the critical shifts that come from moments of introspection. We also highlight the importance of having boundaries and give tips on how to start loving yourself more and finding self acceptance. We invite you to reflect on your own life choices, making sure you are making decisions that honour your needs and have a positive impact on your wellbeing.
Hello and welcome to another episode of South Asians Rising podcast. Here we share stories of how we overcame challenges, rise risen rows of our stigma and overcame barriers. On today's episode we have Viji, who I had the pleasure of meeting at a personal development event and I just loved her energy and her life, so I'm really happy to have met you, Viji. I'm so glad that you are in the show. Before we get started, Do you want to just briefly introduce who you are and what you do to the audience?
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely. Thank you, andrea, for having me on this show. I love, I love to be here. So I'm Viji everyone. I am a finance director. I have two hats actually I'm a finance director and also a wealth and manifestation coach. So recently I've I've always been into personal development and spirituality and I've taken some steps towards sort of bringing that alive in my life, because that really makes me feel alive.
Speaker 1:Great Thanks, Viji. So on this show, we talk about stories, as you know, so my first question to you would be what is something really tough that you overcome in your life?
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely so. When we were discussing this, andrea, I know I mentioned my marriage and then a lot of resistance came for me. I'm like who am I to share my you know marriage story with people? You know it's not something we actively encourage. Is, you know, sharing our you know marriage, especially because marriage is such a such a complex relationship that we have? But then I think, for me, stories are so important. I think stories that we share with others and the stories others share with us is so so important. It helps us in hearing something in other people's stories either that uplift us, makes us think, makes us grow. So I think sharing our stories is so important. So hence that is why I wanted to share some of the you know challenges and the celebrations and some of the you know learnings I had in my marriage. So, yeah, yeah, great.
Speaker 1:And that's exactly why I'm doing this podcast. I think a lot of us suffer in silence. We all go through things and then it's really taboo to talk about it. So I want to encourage more openness and, you know, don't be ashamed to talk about the things that you've gone through. Chances are so many other people have as well. Let's learn from each other and make it okay to not be okay. I just think that's true. So I know that we briefly talked about this before and I'd love to kind of tap into it a little bit more.
Speaker 1:You went through some troubles in your marriage and I know that. You know, within our community and our culture in particular, there's always been this mindset of you know, once you're engaged or once you're married, that's it, it's a done deal. Even if it's really bad or it's really toxic, you've got to stay in it. You've signed on the dotted line. Now right, and there's so much shame that comes with walking away from something like that. So I'm so happy that you're in a position where you know you've saved your marriage and I'd love to go into detail on that later, but just for people who may be finding themselves in that situation right now currently in a marriage or a relationship quite far along, either engaged or married. They're in a long-term relationship right, and are unsure about whether they're in it because they're conditioned to think they have to or they actually do want to be in it to save their marriage. So, for people in those situations, what advice would you give to them?
Speaker 2:I think everything starts with the self. So, you know, I strongly believe everything that's showing up externally is a reflection of how you're feeling internally. So a lot of these aspects are lessons that you could potentially learn through your relationship. I mean, you know, in order to make a decision like that whether you stay or go starts with self-empowerment first. It starts with knowing yourself, knowing what you want, knowing what you don't want, and being okay when you make that decision, because a lot of people make these life-changing decisions when they're not okay. You know, one of the coaches that I know said to me that, you know, really stuck with me is that if you want to save your marriage, you have to save yourself first, and that is the secret to saving your marriage, and that really sounded quite counterproductive, almost selfish in some ways. What does that mean? What does saving yourself mean? And it really means, you know, bringing understanding to yourself, bringing or understanding to us, to awareness to ourselves, because the thing is that the bit that a lot of people don't understand is that we are conditioned to blame the other person or to fix the other person. You know, everything is external, everything is yeah, this happened, this person did this, this was a situation. I had no control over it, and that, essentially, is you know. It's actually, you know, not just in marriage. In a lot of life situations, this is our, you know, human journey, human journey of victimization. A lot of us feel like the victim. You know, this goes back to the Cartman's drama triangle, which I absolutely love. So you have the victim, you have the persecutor, you have the rescuer. And it's an amazing psychological model because we have these patterns, drama patterns, with people in our families, in our relationships, in our friendship groups, even with colleagues, where we feel like the victim or we feel like the persecutor. You know what. That person is, so dumb. So, you know, you become the persecutor or you become the rescuer. You kind of go oh that poor person, I have to fix them, there's something wrong with them. And you can sometimes play all of these three roles in the same relationship. One minute you're like playing the victim, the next minute you're the persecutor, the next minute you're trying to rescue them. So you can play these all roles at the same time in the same relationship.
Speaker 2:Going back to your question, if you are in this situation where you're struggling in your relationship, in your marriage, you're not happy, start with looking at yourself, and I mean that in the sort of nicest way possible. You have the power to change everything. You have the power to turn things around. It's within you. You have the power. You can be so self-empowered. Just if you are able to put that work in to understand yourself and really start accepting yourself for who you are, you can really really change things around. Because at the end of the day, whether you stay or you leave, you make that decision from a place of power, not from a place of disempowerment, because that's not going to serve you, it's not going to serve the other person. The moment you're able to make that decision, you know what.
Speaker 2:I had a long, hard look at myself. I know exactly what I need and you, my dear, is not it. I'm sorry, I'm going to lovingly let you go, but thank you for everything you taught me. Or you know what? I've sorted my crap out. Okay, now I can see where I've gone wrong. You know what. You are a nice person. I'm lucky to have you in my life. I want to stick with you a little bit more and you know we have these unwritten social rules. Like you said, if we're married we must stick to death. Do us a part. It's really drummed into us. But you see so many toxic relationships out there, like especially my parents' generation, I see some relationships where I'm surprised they survived this long. Toxic relationships are, you know, one of the fundamental stress points for so many people and you know stress is the main cause of a lot of diseases. It's the underlying cause of many diseases. So you know, toxic relationships are one of those things that causes the most stress and it's complex and it's, you know, very hard to unpick.
Speaker 1:It's having that awareness, isn't it? Because I think when you're in that moment it's so hard to take yourself out of the situation and actually look from a different angle. What was the lead-up like then? Because it sounds like, from what you've said so far, you know you were going through some troubles in your marriage and then you reached a turning point. So I'd like to just like spend a little couple of minutes on that lead-up to that turning point. What kind of things were happening and what were you going through in those moments?
Speaker 2:So you know, like me as a person, one of the things is fundamental to understand is I am an avid conflict-avoider. So if there's a conflict I avoid it, Like I rather not have an argument. I rather not talk about something that's making me uncomfortable. I will talk about the weather instead. I am that type of person, whether at work or at home. So I had a habit of hiding a lot of my troubles under the carpet and covering over it, so I don't have to look at it. So a problem with that sort of attitude is that sometimes things blow up in your face when there's too much stuff in your carpet Exactly, and you know, like I always think, we are all on such a journey.
Speaker 2:You know, each one of us is on a journey. If we've been put on this earth, we're here for a journey of expansion and experience and expression. We're here to experience life, we're here to express ourselves and we're here to expand ourselves. You know, that is the fundamental reasons for being here and you know, and relationships are such a gateway into these experiences, expansion and expression, and I truly believe that. And you know, I used to think of my marriage as something that's testing me, but now I have learned to embrace it as something that gives me a rich variety of experiences.
Speaker 1:And that in itself is a big transformation in me.
Speaker 2:You know, I'm actually grateful for the hard times, because the hard times are trying to tell me something that I need to look at it in depth, at myself, because I do truly believe everyone's a reflection of you know, everyone's a mirror. If there's something I don't like about someone, it means that there's an aspect of me being shown up to me, that I that's reflected in that person.
Speaker 1:Right. I think that's the hardest thing, isn't it? Because when you're in a situation, it's very easy to become sort of in victim mode and oh, they're doing this to me and it's so annoying, it's so frustrating. And in that moment it's very difficult to then turn the lens onto you and be like, well, what am I contributing to this situation? And I'm not going to lie, I still struggle with this but I think what is most important is what is actually in your control. You cannot control somebody else and their behavior and what they say to you, but you can control how you react to it.
Speaker 1:So, becoming aware of your role, that you're playing in this situation and the drama triangle is a really good example of that you know, are you being the persecutor, the victim or the rescuer, and how is that serving you and how is it serving the other person? Starting to answer and ask these questions can really help you become aware in the moment of what's actually happening. And I really love what you said before about going on this journey of self-acceptance. And I'd like to tap into a little bit about that, because you went through your marriage troubles and then you had your turning point. What was the turning point that led you on to this healing journey of yourself, absolutely and the thing is, and then you know, you know you touched on the journey.
Speaker 2:Bit like everything is a journey, right, you go through trouble or challenges and you overcome it. It doesn't mean it's over. You know you would. There's always continuously things for us to learn and you know that that is again the experience of life. So for me I think I have been on this journey of self discovery for a while now and my background was neuroscience. I was always interested in how mind impacted not just the body, but, you know, what's showing up in my life. I discovered very young that how I show up is is Impacting what's showing up in my life. So really interesting association to start with this self development journey has been so important. And the thing with the self development journey is that you're questioning everything. You're questioning who you are, who you being.
Speaker 2:The turning point for me is, as I said, because I'm really great at avoiding things, so I would avoid things, cover it up. And as part of the self development journey, I was, you know, going through a lot of uncomfortable feelings in my marriage. I was really, really Feeling victimized. I was feeling Like there was something wrong you know always crying in quietly and you know, there were a lot of uncomfortable stuff going on for me and I just didn't know how to come out of it. You know, I believe all of this Stuff about, yeah, you know, I have the power to change everything, yet I can't seem to bring it out. In my marriage I felt so. You know, I was this powerful Exec woman in at work and yet at home I felt quite disempowered. You know, the little girl who was crying in the corner all the time. There was this real disconnect and I just really couldn't put my finger on what it is. And so, yes, there was one, one, one moment which was very well, one sort of Course I went on to was a Joe dispensers advance retreat. It was like Six day yeah, six days meditation Event which was, you know, was very profound for me because I had, I had, the meditation. You know, that level of meditation meant that I had this moment of a profound moment, what they call Kundalini rising. So I felt my body shaking with energy flowing through me. Amazing experience, yes, amazing experience. But also it means that, from a sort of an energy point of view, what happens is our energy gets shaken up. Everything that was launched and stuck Became suddenly unstuck. And so the the following.
Speaker 2:You know, two to three weeks after returning from this, you know, wonderful meditation Retreat meant that everything that was swept under the carpet sort of exploded for me. I was facing even more stuff that I'm having to deal with. So now I'm at a point where I'm having to deal with it. You can't, I can't, hide it anymore. There's nowhere to hide.
Speaker 2:And my journey of healing from that point onwards, the narrative change from this is all his fault. There's something wrong with him. I need to fix him. The rescuer there, maybe being in a victimized, that's wrong with him. That's over the, you know, year and a bit. My story had to really, really change. My story had to really change. Yes, you know, whatever he may have or he might, you know he's showing up her. That's his thing. How am I showing up? What is there that I need to heal for myself? And I had a lot of childhood wounds that needed to be healed.
Speaker 2:You know, I think, what happens with us as we, you know, as as young children, we see things, we get things programmed into us and you know, and we, 99.9% of us will have some level of childhood trauma, you know, anything from intense jealousy to you know, when you know when a parent tells us off strongly, it becomes. It becomes a trauma because a young child can't handle it, because they don't know, they never experienced something like this, so they don't know how to handle it. So they fragment themselves off. So, for example, you know you wanted your dad to play with you and he was in the middle of work. So he said, no, I'm not gonna play with you, go away, you're not important to me right now. That becomes a trauma in itself and we sort of fragment ourselves off as a child and we say to ourselves actually we're not important, I'm not important, I'm not important enough for my dad's time.
Speaker 1:So that's become the story that get formed exactly then it moves into your subconscious and you're not even aware that you have that belief anymore. So you grow up with it and it's so. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Absolutely so. You know, for me, I saw my parents fight a lot, so my story was that I have to be all okay on my own, and I was the only child, so I had a lot of time for myself as well. So I formed this mis-independent adaptation around me. It's an adaptation of okay, yes, I'm mis-independent, I can, I don't need anybody, I don't need this, I don't need that, I can look after myself, I've got my own money, I got my own house, I don't need anybody.
Speaker 2:The thing is that's a great adaptation for the you know kind of from a childhood of sort of you know being on my own, but when it comes to a marriage, it's not serving me, it's not something that's serving me. The message I'm sending out to my husband every day is I don't need you, I'm independent, I'm okay by myself. That in itself is the healing journey for me to be actually to recognize this is actually an adaptation and that actually I do need him. I have two children with him. There is aspects of me wanting to be supported, wanting to be loved, and I'm not showing that to him. I'm showing the message I'm sending out, like you know, from a verbal and non-verbal way, is that I don't need you, I'm mis-independent.
Speaker 2:So it was really transformative to start understanding that about myself and also learning that actually I have quite a bit of victim mentality in me. You know, I feel, you know, and again, this is adaptation from my childhood you know this person is persecuting me or, you know, shouting at me. Therefore, you know I am the victim and again, that is you know. When you see these patterns in yourself and you bring awareness to it, it's a great starting point. It's a great point where you can then claim the power back and say you know what actually? Yep, I recognize that. Oh, there you go. That's the little victim coming out, a little Viji with that. You know who felt victimized when she was five. She's coming out there.
Speaker 2:And the moment you recognize it the inner child exactly and when you recognize that you claim the power back. You kind of go yep, yep, little Viji, I recognize your, acknowledge you. But this is grown up, viji, now, and you know I can respond. I don't have to react to things, I can respond. And again, it's those type of work that I had to do in the last year and a half and you know, my marriage is nowhere near perfect. But I know what I want and I have strong boundaries in place and the thing is I choose my husband. I think that's very important. It's very important to choose something, because that power of choice is what gives you the power. And sometimes you may think you don't have a choice. It's either this or something worth. But the thing is that choice itself is powerful and the moment you recognize it again, you claim your power back. This is all about self empowerment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's so beautiful and it sounds like you know you went through your marriage troubles and you were forced to face all these uncomfortable feelings that you sort of stepped under the rug and you managed to turn things around because you went on this healing journey and it sounds like this healing journey was all about you, self acceptance and self love. I love that you mentioned the word boundaries. I think, growing up in a South Asian culture and community, you are taught and conditioned from a young age to essentially become a people piece of it. Right Like your feelings don't matter as much as the elders and if you're being disrespected by them it doesn't matter. You've still got to respect them and be obedient and not be ashamed.
Speaker 1:So I'm definitely a recovering people. Please learn. I'm still a working progress and it's really difficult to unlearn and decondition all the things that I've learned to this point. And one of the things that I liked that you mentioned here was the word boundaries, because, really interestingly, I had a conversation with a coach and we were talking about relationships which I haven't had the best of luck in, let's be honest, and I was sort of talking to her about it and she was like Well, what are your boundaries in a relationship and I was like Well, what's that?
Speaker 2:I didn't.
Speaker 1:I didn't even not once in my life had I even thought about having boundaries. I didn't even really know what they were, and so that was really eye opening for me. Because then I was like, oh, I can actually have things in place that mean something to me, that I'll know if I'm willing to accept it or not, and I started implementing them in relationships and friendships and family relationships, and it's just made such a world of a difference because, being conditioned how we are, that's not even a thought that crosses our mind. So that was one thing that I've had to learn at my older age now, which would have been helpful for me back in the day, but you got to start somewhere. So things like that is really interesting because you always hear that term. You know you've got to love yourself fast, and I've always been like I don't know what that means.
Speaker 1:Like somebody teach me what does. What does it mean? What does that look like to love yourself? And so it's been a journey, and I would love to ask your opinion on this, because it seems like your feeling journey has been about that self love, self acceptance. So if there's somebody who wants to love themselves more and honor themselves, what tips would you give to them?
Speaker 2:That's a great question, and one thing I would say is, if you're not comfortable with the word self love, go with self acceptance, I think. I think self acceptance is so important. You are okay as you are. Honour yourself. Yes, we all have flaws, right, we all have flaws and that's okay. That's okay you. You accept yourself.
Speaker 2:Despite that, you say it's okay to be me, and that also shows up in the other person. This is the thing. You know, everything in your life is a mirror. So if you don't accept yourself and if you don't love yourself, the other person who's standing in front of you is not. They're going to feel that, at least at an energetic level. You know, quantum physics tells us we are all energy and energy is never standing still, it's always in motion. When you don't accept yourself, you're sending out these vibes where the other person's not going to accept you.
Speaker 2:So that's why every single relationship healing starts with the self. It starts with the self acceptance, self healing, self knowledge, self awareness, self empowerment. I know these are sort of words, but it's all about the self and that's where the power is. The moment you're able to see your power, if you ever have a word in a position of making that hard choice of sticking in a marriage or leaving it. You need to make that decision from a place of self empowerment. You need to be in a place where you go. You know what? Actually, I accept I have these things, but I'm still choosing this or I'm choosing that. That truly is probably, might not be nice, it might not be comfortable, but you can't. The moment you make that choice, from a disempowered place, it's going to be a lot harder.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think once you find that self acceptance right, like it, with that comes the confidence to unapologetically be yourself and naturally you'll then find yourself in better situations and more in line with your values and you'll stop being in toxic relationships because you understand yourself and you love yourself enough not to be. If somebody wants to start their journey of loving themselves, what is something practical they can do to start that? Is there something that you would recommend?
Speaker 2:So, in terms of practical one thing, I want a good way to test you out how come to blind you with yourself? Can you take yourself out to dinner or to the movies or somewhere, and are you okay by yourself? Like there was a time in my 20s I hated spending time with myself. I needed other people around me. Like I was such a people person. I needed the energy of others, I could not be on my own for too long.
Speaker 2:But now I'm in a position where I would go on holidays by myself and that really feels great, and it's not from a place of disempowerment, it's from a place of like. Oh, my god, I want to experience this myself. You know, I don't necessarily need to share it with anyone. I'm actually like spending time with myself and do activities that you like doing by yourself, whether that's, you know, journaling or watching a movie by yourself or doing something. I think it's really important that you really start getting to know yourself and finding something that really uplifts you, excites. You go towards things that excite you, that you can maybe do on your own, and I think that gives you self-confidence and it gives you that, ah okay, I can do this by myself.
Speaker 1:I love that. I completely resonate with what you said. After a particularly difficult time in my life where I've had quite a few things happen and it kind of knocked my confidence, that's actually something I tried to do. I was like, okay, I need to start liking myself a bit more and getting to know myself a bit more. So I actually challenged myself to go to a comedy show by myself. I think it was to see Mo Gilligan, and it was nearby. So I thought, yep, I'm gonna try that.
Speaker 1:And I remember feeling so much discomfort around it because I thought so embarrassed, how can I turn up to this sold-out show by myself? And I was really like nervous to go. But I went and I sat down and for a long time nobody would come and sit next to me because they thought I was just waiting for someone. And it got to the beginning of the show and it was about to start and it was sold out. So somebody was like, can I sit here? And they were in a group and I was like, yeah, you can. And I think it's I don't know.
Speaker 1:I remember that moment. I felt so embarrassed because it was very apparent I was just there by myself. I'm gonna loan to them and in that moment I felt so much discomfort. Everything came up for me so embarrassed they think I'm a loner. Oh my gosh, what am I doing here? And all the thoughts ran through my mind. But I sat through it. I sat in that discomfort, which is something I discovered that I don't like to do. I try and avoid discomfort and I'll run away from it. I'm trying to practice doing that a bit more.
Speaker 1:And I got through the show and I remember feeling afterwards wow, I friggin did that. I found it so uncomfortable, I was so mortified, but I did it. I pushed myself and I did it. And that feeling I felt afterwards it was like a newfound respect for myself, a newfound appreciation for myself, which I hadn't felt in a long time because I just had a lot of things knocked me down. And so it is so powerful to start your journey of self-acceptance by pushing yourself to be comfortable with yourself and face it and just know, whatever uncomfortable situations going on, you are strong enough and resilient enough to get through if you trust yourself to, and that's how I started to build trust.
Speaker 1:And another thing that's been really helpful for me is I started therapy last year. I have a therapist, I have a coach, I'm really trying to do the work and I'm obsessed with self-development, so I think everyone should have a therapist or coach. But I started last year and I see the profound change that has occurred since I started, because I've become so much more self-aware and I've started to love I'm a teacher, as it sounds. I started to love myself a bit more and understand who I am, what I value and what I bring, and so one of the things that I learned is the term self-abandonment, self-betrayal. That's been really big on my journey of self-love, because firstly, I didn't even know what that was.
Speaker 1:But I think, growing up, the way that we do in our community, in our culture, we are people's pieces. We are taught not to bring shame, not to kind of put importance to your feelings. Other people's feelings matter, and if things go wrong you suffer in silence. It's shameful, like don't even talk about it. So I realized as I grew older and I was in difficult situations, the people, pieces of me, would come out and I would be saying and doing things that doesn't resonate with my heart, like it didn't feel right, how I'd walk away, feeling a form of guilt and sadness and I didn't understand what that was for. I didn't understand what it was about.
Speaker 1:But then, through therapy and through my therapist, they made me see that actually it's the feeling of self-abandonment, self-betrayal, like I am not honoring my needs, I'm just missing my needs and what I want to make somebody else happy. But by doing that I'm actually doing the opposite of loving myself and even liking myself in that moment. But I didn't make that connection, so I would always feel this feeling and I couldn't attach it to something. But once I discovered that, that's been so important for me to be aware of, because I don't want to do that, I don't want to abandon myself. If I'm not honoring my needs, if I'm not taking care of who I am and what I want, then how can I expect anyone else to respect my needs and honor it right? So I think in the journey of self-love I'm still trying to understand what that even is and what that means.
Speaker 1:But I'm learning things along the way self-acceptance, but also not betraying and abandoning myself, because that doesn't feel good and it's something we're not taught when we're young, so it comes into play in so many different situations. So it's all about bringing awareness. What are your patterns, what are your habits, what is the pattern in these situations that you're in and what is it that you keep doing? That you could change though I've sort of gone off on a tangent there, but I thought it was really important to highlight that. It's very true. I think it all comes down to self-acceptance. There are different elements of it, there's a different way of reaching that, but everything counts, everything matters, and just become aware of who you are, what you want, what your boundaries are and what your needs are.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I love that. I love that. I think, knowing that journey you just described, that is what I want for every single woman who's listening to this, because when you are complete as you are and when you get together with another person, that relationship is elevated, and that's what I want for myself as well.
Speaker 2:A relationship that's elevated that is, two complete people coming together and the impact you have on the people around you and between you is amazing versus two wounded people coming together wanting the other person to complete them that they're never going to get. And that's where the problem is. That's where the conflict is. You have these unrealistic expectations of each other and it's never going to work because that person cannot meet your needs and you cannot meet their needs. So, the more complete you are, you know your faults and your needs and your boundaries. You're in such a powerful position. Going into a relationship or being in a relationship, you're claiming your power back in order to really, really elevate and actually have a happy relationship. You're setting up the formula for a happy relationship, not a miserable one.
Speaker 1:It's as simple as that, yeah, and I think also, as you go through life, people tend to fall into relationships and nobody's really taught how to be in one or how to know what you even want.
Speaker 1:But when I look back on my experiences I realize I certainly did not know myself, I didn't know what it is that I wanted. I just sort of morphed into, depending on the relationship, I just morphed into the person that fit with that and it just, yeah, you know, sometimes it was good, sometimes it wasn't. But I think being on this journey of accepting myself and learning about myself, and just this journey of self-awareness, brings with it so much gold, because now I'm so much more confident in who I am and what I want and what I bring to the table that I, the old me I'm a far cry away from that. Like the old me is so different to who I am now that I can't even see myself in those sort of situations anymore. And I would never have got here unless I started looking within. And it's exactly what you said Like what you see externally is representative of what's going on internally and you have to take the time to look within.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely, and I think something to understand is nothing's ever wrong, right? So when there is, you know, when you get together, say you think you've got together with the wrong person. There is no such thing as the wrong person. If you had got together with that person, there is, you know. It literally comes down to your attitude and your point of view.
Speaker 2:If you see this as something that you can learn from, that is going to elevate you, you know, okay, all right, maybe I have married the wrong person and, yes, maybe I do need to leave this relationship.
Speaker 2:Yes, but this has taught me such a big lesson in my life that in itself, you know, is perhaps what you needed to go through to get to that stage. If you, if you often talk to people who have come through a lot of difficulties, especially in their marriages, when they come out to the other end, you know a lot of people wouldn't change what they gone through because that has made them who they are, that strong person, that self accepted person, that self empowered person, who they are on the other end, because they went through this journey. And sometimes, when we see this as a journey rather than a destination, marriage is not a destination Marriage is a journey and the journey waves and you know peaks and trots and all sorts of weaving through, through difficulties, and the moment you accept, actually there's nothing gone wrong with the journey, it just the journey, for with this person has come to an end.
Speaker 1:Right when I reflect on my own experience, you know, at the time I was like, why is this happening to me? And then you know it's not just like the ending of something, it's also the added layer of shame that you're bringing into the family and I got this decision wrong and it didn't work out. What will people say? So you're? It's like a double layer of grief and pain and shame that you're feeling, which is incredibly difficult to put yourself out of in our culture. But it happens a lot, you know.
Speaker 1:What I discovered is our generation is way different to the older generation. Like it's happening a lot, you know, and the statistics are higher. But when I look back now I wouldn't change anything because it's exactly what you said. I had to go through that to reach rock bottom, to force myself to face everything that I had been hiding under the rug. And now I'm on the other side of that and I I would never change that because then I would never have become where I'm at now and I'm still going. But I would much rather be the person I am now than the person that was just an autopilot, the same sort of cycle.
Speaker 1:So it's all about reframing, it, isn't it? And it may be the most traumatic and difficult time when you're going through it and you may be having all these uncomfortable feelings of shame and guilt. But just know like if you persevere through that, you're going to be better for it and it doesn't mean that I'm bad or the other person's bad, it's just. It's just not compatible and that's okay. Like that happens. You know, people change life, events happen. There's no shame around that. But what is a shame is if you stay in something that's not serving you and bring out the worst and both people say yeah absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 2:And sometimes there's an added complexity when you add children to the mix. People stay together because of children and that in itself brings a whole lot of toxicity when you don't want to be together but you sort of feel like you're together because of children. But you know there's a lot of you know there's a lot of types of relationships and marriages in we're exposed to now and I see sometimes people are happy, who had children together, are not together anymore but they are much happier for it. So what you're presenting to the children is actually, you know what two happy parents. Okay, maybe they don't live in the same household anymore and maybe they you know they have other partners in their life but they are happier. So you're setting a different set of example rather than, on the other hand, you may have two people staying together for the sake of the children, but living in complete toxicity day in, day out, exposing these children to that toxicity, and that in itself is quite damaging. It's not black and white anymore, it's not like you said. There's this big generation gap now between what our parents went through versus us, versus perhaps even my children, who will be going through there's learnings and there's different ways of looking at it.
Speaker 2:I think it's really important to put ourselves first and not in a not in a selfish way. The moment we focus on ourselves, the moment we accept ourselves, the moment we work on ourselves, there is a, there is a sort of a osmosis almost around the people around you. It sort of spreads to everyone. The moment you're happier with yourself, you know, the people around you become a little bit more happier because you're not spreading your misery. Often what happens if you're in a toxic relationship? You're miserable and you're spreading that to everyone around you. I mean, and so can you imagine what it's like for their children to have been to put up with all of that? That is way much more toxic than you know, and I think that is the the, the realization I'm coming to. It is not about whether you stay in a marriage or you end the marriage or you know you start a new relationship or end a new. All of those are irrelevant to a certain extent. What is the impact it's having on you is so simple. We complicate it, but it is so simple. It's something making you happy. If it's not, then look at it. Is that something you can do about it yourself? Is that something you can work on yourself. No, this is not serving you, okay. Okay, make that decision from a place of power. Grab your personal power and make a decision and recognize the choices you have and honor yourself.
Speaker 2:Most of us are taught not to honor ourselves and that's where the problem starts. You know it is okay for you to say no to things. It's okay for you to put boundaries around you. You know what. This is not acceptable. I'm not putting up with this anymore and that's okay. It's okay for us to say that. And most of us, that simple thing, most of us find it difficult to say. So I found it and I know I'm like you I'm a recovering people, pleaser, and I find it difficult to say no.
Speaker 1:You know when someone asks, you can you come to this.
Speaker 2:Oh, I don't want to go, but I want to say that person, exactly it's really tricky. Yeah, and something I learned is never complain, never explain. Don't need to complain about things and you never have to explain things. If you want to say no, say no. You don't have to explain it. It's your choice.
Speaker 1:That is another thing I'm trying to unlearn over explaining. I don't know about you, but I over explained Like it could be the most simplest thing and if I feel like I'm letting someone down, they're like they better expect an essay from me. Being like this is why I'm so sorry. But yeah, having to unlearn that as well, like to be able to just say no for stuff and not offer an explanation, that is incredibly difficult for me and some people tell me, like I really don't need this, it's fine, you know, it's okay, you're not coming, like I don't need this massive, but it's ingrained within me. So it's so interesting talking to you because it's highlighting some of these are common within us. Right, like we were going on this journey of unlearning all this conditioning.
Speaker 1:But yeah, it's been, it's been really insightful. Thank you so much, fiji. It's been amazing to hear your journey and to touch upon you know, self acceptance, self love. What does that even look like? And I've really enjoyed having you on the show. Thank you, yeah, of course, and if anyone's listening who wants to get in touch with you or like to find out more is okay. If they can just reach out to directly, I'll put your details in the description box.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, absolutely. I've got a website and they can reach me through social media as well. Psychology of abundance so I work with women on abundance wealth manifestation. And I'm also a heart math trained coach, so I work with emotional well being as well. So, yeah, they want to work with me. They're more than welcome to get in touch. I would love to hear from them Amazing.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much, fiji, and thank you for those that have listened. If you've enjoyed this episode, let us know in the comments what you, what you particularly enjoyed, what resonated with you the most, and if you're interested in being the show and you have a story to share, please reach out to me. I'd be happy to have you on and have a lovely day everybody.
Speaker 2:Thank you.