South Asians Rising
Join us on a journey of empowerment! Here we discuss topics not often talked about due to fear of judgement and shame. Listen to South Asians share their powerful stories of overcoming challenges, rising above societal stigma and building resilience. Gain insights into mindset shifts and discover practical tips to navigate through difficult times. It's time we stop suffering in silence, this podcast hopes to encourage more openness and vulnerability within the South Asian community. Hosted by Andrea Sivani who is an accredited Transformational Life Coach passionate about self development.
South Asians Rising
S1 EP6 - Suja: Finding Self Worth After Divorce and Mental Health Struggles
TW: Death of a loved one, Suicide attempt
Many South Asians grow up associating a stigma with divorce, often feeling trapped in unhealthy relationships due to societal expectations. This can have a significant impact both mentally and physically. In this episode, Suja bravely shares her personal journey of divorce and mental health struggles during a time which led her to attempting to take her own life. With raw honesty, she shares the challenges she faced, ultimately leading her on a transformative path towards self-worth and healing.
Listeners will gain valuable insights into the importance of mental health awareness and challenging cultural expectations. They will also hear practical advice for navigating similar situations, finding inner strength and resilience to overcome difficult times and how to start recognising and valuing your worth.
Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Star Citizen's Rising podcast. On today's episode we have the lovely Suja Suja. Would you like to introduce yourself to the audience?
Speaker 2:Hello everyone my name is Suja. I am a live coach as well as a special educational needs teacher and special education needs consultant. Yeah, that's pretty much all I can say about me. Really. I'm sure you'll find out a few more things about me along the way today.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you so much for being on today's show. I'm really looking forward to our conversation. I'd love to ask you, suja, what is something that you've been through in your life that you say was really, really tough, that you've overcome?
Speaker 2:I guess the one that kind of sticks out in my head is I started my divorce proceedings last June after a 20 year marriage. So as you can imagine, you know, being Tamil, being South Asian, it's ruffled a few feathers and not everyone has been completely happy about my decisions, which has been quite tough.
Speaker 1:I can imagine Make it a decision like that in our culture is massive, and I can only imagine what you would have gone through during that time. So during that time, what was kind of going through your mind like before making that decision? How was everything impacting you mentally and physically? What was that like?
Speaker 2:So physically, my health has actually gone down quite a bit in the past few years I think about in 2020, so four years ago I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which is a chronic pain condition aggravated by stress. So physically I knew my body was getting worse. Mentally, my dad also passed away in 2020. So from 2021 onwards I've been in counseling in and out pretty much. So mentally and physically it was tough going. I knew.
Speaker 2:You know, I knew quite a long time ago that this marriage wasn't for me, for whatever reason it was. You know I was very young when I got married. I was 19. I was 21 when I had my oldest son. So you know, my son is 19 now. So when you sit there and think about it, you know it. Just, we're children right at that age.
Speaker 2:And as I kind of grew older, I wanted different things to my husband and it just got harder and harder to kind of try and piece together who I was with with him. So the past few years, especially after upper died, it was it became very hard on me because I was trying to grieve the loss of my dad plus grieve who I had been and who I was becoming, and ultimately it ended with me attempting suicide last June, literally, I think, about five days after my 40th birthday. I just couldn't see a way forward. I knew I was desperately unhappy in my marriage. I knew I was desperately unhappy with my situation and I also knew I couldn't really see a way out.
Speaker 2:You know, main thing was my kids. They, even though they knew, obviously, that I was unhappy, you know there is that still that, as any child would want, they wanted, you know, me and their dad to stay together. And if they didn't want that, what they wanted was they wanted to be able to stay in the house that they had, you know, had grown up in, which ultimately meant that I would have to leave. And that added an extra kind of layer to my my, to the messiness that was me, because it was becoming not only was I leaving my husband, but it looked like I was leaving my kids, which was harder. I got a lot of people to grasp.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can only imagine how overwhelming everything must have been feeling during that time to lead you to that point. So thank you for sharing that. When you were having these thoughts in your mind about you being just quickly unhappy they're being no Path forward from that, what were the thoughts that you were having that were leading to that, in the sense, what? What were those thoughts that were telling you there's no way out, you have to stay in this? What were the beliefs and thoughts you had during that time?
Speaker 2:We conditioned from a young age right that you know we're allowed to do whatever we want, once we get married once we get married.
Speaker 2:That's the end goal, you know. You know, in our society, you know, if you're not married by a certain age, it's why aren't you married? What's wrong with you? So, from the age of 19, it was you're married now. That's, you know, that's it, that's your life. And then what I had, my kids, that's it, that's your life. So it was always that thing of this is my life.
Speaker 2:And you know, I was conditioned to believe that, even if I was desperately unhappy in my marriage, I could never just get up and leave because because of the kids and All I remember, you know, in those kind of days, weeks, months, even, you know, kind of leading up to that, was I see no way out. I knew what I had to do for my sanity and for my physical health in terms of Leaving my marriage, but I no way in any, you know, I didn't want to leave my kids and I knew, ultimately that's what would happen, you know, because I wouldn't be able to, kind of, you know, afford to stay in the house. So that would be, it would have to be that I would have to leave. And so, first of all, there's a fear of where would I go. Like I said, I've been married since I was 19 years old. I didn't really have a backup option. They know it's not like I'd Grown up first and bought myself a house that I'd rented out or anything like that, and you know anything that we'd built, we'd built together. So was that fear of where do I go? There was that fear of how do I leave my kids.
Speaker 2:There was that fear, and it's not even a fear, it's actual voices. It's not even just my voice, it's actual voices that you have in your head of people saying from a very young age you know you need a man. You know how can you do this by yourself? What are you going to do? And then there's also that thing of well, you're 40 now, no one's going to want you and you're not going to be able to do anything new. I actually had someone say to my mother well, they've been married 20 years. What's another 20 more? And you know that is. That is the kind of you know. Those are the voices that are going to be heard. That is the kind of you know. Those are the voices that are around us, unfortunately, and I feel like obviously you know I can speak more about our community, just because I'm in it. But I feel like within our community is that thing of you just kind of just get on with it and you kind of, you know, however unhappy you are, you just stay, because that's the cards we've been.
Speaker 1:Yeah, dealt.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I didn't want those cards anymore. I was. I thought I couldn't do another. You know I couldn't do another year, another 20. I was like no, and so I just felt Overwhelmed. I felt like I had no way out. I felt people would just Throwing all of their opinions onto me and kind of saying you have to do this, you have to do that, you have to. And I thought none of you are actually living my life. You stay in your house or you know wherever. You phone me and you kind of go so, joe, this is what you have to do, and then you walk away.
Speaker 2:Yeah and I'm the one that's left to deal with it.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:There was, I just Couldn't deal with it any longer. I'm not saying it was, you know, it like in high and tight. Now I'm very glad, obviously, that it didn't work, but at the time it just seemed like the easiest way out, because then I didn't have to listen to the comments, I didn't have to listen to people say I was a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad woman, you know, bad Moulin society it was. If I died, then actually people would go.
Speaker 2:Oh my god, she was so nice. That would be it Right it's so true, isn't it?
Speaker 1:because the conditions a certain way you know, with marriage being the end goal, and then when you're in it, you can't get out of it. It it's really painful to hear people gossiping and shoving their opinions down your throat when you know they're not living your life, they're not in your shoes. So it's really hard to to maintain that balance of not letting things affect you but then equally going against and unlearning everything that we've been conditioned to believe right. And during that time, did you feel comfortable to open up to others around you about how you were feeling?
Speaker 2:No, you're smiling as you say that, so yeah so, like I said, I've been in and out of therapy for three years, um, mainly with this, um, with this one woman, and you know I've kind of done a lot of work on on the fact that I am hyper independent. I'm the oldest of three girls. My parents are immigrants, um, you know, they work damn hard to get us to where we are, but they worked and you know, and I am ever grateful for everything that my parents did for us. But it was also that thing if I wasn't a child for very long, because you know I had siblings to look after, I, you know, I had, you know we all feel it only the weight of our parents expectations on us. Um, so that thing of who did I go to? I went to a counselor.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And straight after I died, I would literally go and see, I would see my counselor online for like two sessions a week Because she was the only place I felt safe enough to go and cry, because I was paying her, and so therefore I didn't feel like it was a burden it was. It was actually her job to sit there and watch me cry so it was.
Speaker 2:But like I, I really really struggle Um to kind of go out and open up Um, it takes me a long time to kind of go, or maybe, and even then I will have thought about it for like days beforehand before I go, maybe I should actually, you know, voice this out before it gets too much for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's, it's so interesting because I'm similar and then, like, when I do open up, I almost feel like vulnerability hangover the next day, where I'm just like, oh my gosh, I just like over, overshared massively. But I think it's really important to learn how to open up and express, because otherwise it just festers inside and then it's like, leads to stress and that leads to illness. So I can relate with you on that and I think, especially when you're going through relationship problems yeah, like you have your friends, that you can talk about the odd arguments here and there, but I think when it comes to marriage and you're facing the prospect of actually getting a divorce, it's really difficult because there are different layers to that. There's, you know, firstly the disappointment, the shame of like getting it wrong, so to speak. Even though it's not wrong, it's just the way that like anyway. That's the feeling that you get like oh, wow, like this is happening to me.
Speaker 1:And then, on top of that, the other layer of like okay, what everyone else is going to say and like how are they going to look at me and how they're going to? They don't know all the ins and outs, they don't know why I'm making this decision, so it's just a lot to deal with and it sounds like during that time you have, you were going through so much with everything that was happening. So it was great that you had an outlet through your counsellor. Even still, you know, seeing your counsellor it's just like a one hour session at that time, right, like there's only so much you can get out. So it's great. But I can understand why, like, even though you were doing that, you still were coming back to everything and it was probably it must have been really tough for you to deal with Like a three week holiday.
Speaker 2:At that period you weren't sorry. My counsellor was on like a three week holiday.
Speaker 1:Oh gosh.
Speaker 2:Literally she came back and I was like I did something. She was like oh my God, wow. She was like yeah, so no, yeah, it's just, you know she, you know, and I don't obviously I'm not laying any blame on her or any any blame on anyone, but it is. I think it's quite significant that actually she wasn't. You know, she was unavailable and yeah, and I, you know, I didn't feel like I had anyone else that I could just open up to and say this wrong.
Speaker 1:And that's so significant, isn't it? It just goes to show how important it is to have an outlet to express, because when you're left to sit in your own thoughts and feelings, when you're already looking at things in a certain way, it doesn't take much to send you over the edge, right, like in any aspect, when you're sitting in it and dwelling in it and marinating in it, it's, you know, it's really hard to put yourself out of that. So completely highlights the importance of being able to open up and talk to someone, because it does help. It really does. And so, when you got to that point of thinking there's no way out, I think the only way out is to take my own life After that happened, if you're comfortable to share. What was the aftermath of that like and how did it impact not only you but those around you?
Speaker 2:So I was in the house, I'd had yet another argument with my ex, I literally went upstairs into and the kids were in the house. They were in their rooms the teenage boys and I locked the door and I was on the phone to someone and they were advising me on what I should be doing and how I should be doing it. And I remember I kind of almost feel like I was in a trance because I can still kind of see myself kind of you know doing what I was doing. And then I kind of just said to them look, I'm really tired, I'm going to go sleep, and I put the phone down and then a friend rang me and apparently by this point I was blabbering. She was trying to make sense of what I was saying and she had driven me home that day and I'd had a panic attack on the way to the house. So she was already kind of concerned that I wasn't in the right frame of mind. And then she kind of said you know what did you do? And so I told her in my blabbering state and then she managed to ring my sisters, who rang my kids, who knocked on the door, and I managed to open the door to them.
Speaker 2:I think for my kids it was very kind of like well, because mum is the one who kind of keeps it together, mum doesn't cry in front of them, mum doesn't, you know, ask for help, mum just kind of his mum does what needs to be done right. So for them to watch me, I think it was like, oh, mum's actually really struggling. I think that was a big hit for them because they were like, oh, you know, we didn't realise it was this bad for mum and likewise for my family. They were kind of like hold up, we knew it was like bad, but we didn't think it was this bad. And what on earth has happened for it to become this bad? I think we all, you know, we do, we do it right.
Speaker 2:Like when someone says, like, especially you know, in a marriage, when someone goes, oh, you know, things aren't going so great, you kind of you think of excuses as to why it's not going great Because obviously they're married. It's not like they can just, you know, break up and you know, and my family and friends did do that, it wasn't, you know, no fault of their own, but it was that thing of but you're married. So it's not like I could just get up and leave. But I think then, with that attempt and you know they saw me in the hospital, they, you know, they sat with me and that's when they were like, okay, there needs to be a way out for her, for, you know, to be able to kind of, because this is not going to work otherwise.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:They weren't quite sure what the way out was. But they, I think they understood then that actually I was trading water and not really knowing how to, to kind of, you know, surface, I guess.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and how did you feel?
Speaker 2:I'm not gonna lie. I felt disappointed at the time that I hadn't quite managed it, because then it was also again it's that vulnerability thing, right. I was like my God, all these people like now know that I'm not coping.
Speaker 2:I was just like how I was like, oh God, you know, they're all gonna know that I'm not coping. They're all gonna think I'm weak. So there was also that shame factor, not because I attempted it and it had gone wrong, but I'd attempted it and people knew. So that was like, oh my God, people are gonna think I'm weak and people are gonna know I'm struggling. I was ashamed that my kids had seen it because I was like I didn't want them to see me like that. My mum was there. I was devastated for her because we lost up by a few years ago. So that must be like. As a mother, it's my worst nightmare to think that my kids could do that. So I could only imagine what went through my head. So, yeah, I think for me at the time there was a lot of shame, which is probably not what I should have felt.
Speaker 1:But there's no right way of feeling, there's no right or wrong way of feeling sorry, and should or shouldn't is very subjective. So your feelings are valid if that's how you felt. And I think again, you highlight another important point Feeling like you can't cope is seen as weak and that's rubbish. You know, like I hate that. We grow up learning that and feeling that. And you know I come across so many people, especially men, that are like you know. They try to put on a brave face and they don't process their emotions but it's like no, like it's not weak.
Speaker 1:Everyone struggles to cope. We're just human and actually it's important to acknowledge it and do something about it. But it's a shame in our society that that is the first sort of thought. Well, hopefully I'd like to think things have changed since, you know, back in the day, but I guess, like some, some people still are like that. But yeah, it's very frustrating to to feel that because you're already going through so much and you know clearly it was a very difficult time for you and then the impact that it had on you. You've now added shame to feel on top of everything else. So like it's really difficult and you probably weren't even thinking, you know, in the 100 percent best version of yourself at that moment anyway. So like adding these other things to think and feel during that time just only makes things worse.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:We've talked a bit about what you were going through to leading up to that point and the effect it had on you. I would love to just ask you at this point in time if there's somebody out there that's in a in a marriage or a long term relationship where they feel similar to you. They clearly are unhappy, but they just feel that they can't leave because everything going on around them, whatever the reasons are, and they feel like there's no path forward from that, what advice would you give to them?
Speaker 2:Children are resilient. They, you know, all they want is love and it doesn't matter if your parents are both in one home or two. As long as they kind of get that love, you know they will prosper. And you know that feeling that we have that guilt that's in our head with regards to the kids. And you know, the kids were my driving force for a long time when it came to my marriage and I, you know, I sat there and I waited and but now I kind of think, actually at any age it would be difficult. It wouldn't have been any less difficult when they were younger. Now that they're older it's still as difficult. So children will prosper.
Speaker 2:We get one life and, yeah, these past nine months have been tough, but in the grand scheme of things I am still so much happier than I was in my marriage. And again, it's not, you know, it's got nothing to do with him. Well, obviously it does. But you know, in that sense of, we just went right for each other. And just because I'm now 40 doesn't mean I'm not going to find someone who can love me or who I can love. Just because I'm 40 doesn't mean my life is over. Just because I've got, you know, a grown-up son doesn't mean my life is over.
Speaker 2:I kind of feel like I'm just getting started. I kind of feel really kind of excited about what the future brings. I'm terrified because it's very, very different from the future I thought was mapped out for me from the age of 19. But there is a life and people will talk. But seriously, people will talk about you today and there will be someone else doing something else tomorrow and they'll talk about them tomorrow. No-transcript. If they're not paying your bills, then actually you really, really don't need to listen to them. That's my biggest one, I think. If they're not paying your bills, leave them alone.
Speaker 1:That's a good way of thinking about it. I love that you, you know, as you were just answering that question, I could see the energy shift in you and you've you know, it sounds like you've really turned things around and I want to tap into that. So who you are today, thinking how you are and being positive, how did you get to that point, from the, from where you were when you were in the hospital bed?
Speaker 2:I think my main thing that I started focusing on again was the things I was grateful for. I am grateful for all the people that I meet and all the lessons that I've been taught, but I think the past nine months has really set me on my own journey of self-worth and realizing I need to show myself compassion. I shouldn't feel ashamed for what I did or I shouldn't feel ashamed for making other you know, allowing other people to think I'm weak, because actually I'm human and, like you know, we all are and we all kind of have these emotions. Unfortunately, I just, you know, acted on it. But it's that thing of self-compassion and knowing my own worth and just being grateful for the fact that I am still alive and I have a great relationship with my kids. I have some really good friends out there who have kind of stood by me, regardless of, you know, whatever's going on, and I've just kind of got the guts to kind of just do this in spite of so many people saying why are you doing it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and where do you think you found that strength?
Speaker 2:Honestly, I'd say my parents. You know, like I said, my parents are immigrants. We came to England when I was three years old and I've watched them work incredibly hard for everything that they did and everything that they have and everything that they became. And I think I always think that, you know, my parents didn't raise me to not be strong and as the eldest of three girls, I had to be Mother of two boys. I had to be. You know, I think a lot of my strength came from looking after others and kind of going. You know they became my driving forces and now my strength is just me. I kind of sit there and kind of go. I don't want to be in a position like that again. I don't want other people to be able to question me and make me question myself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I want to ask you this as well If somebody out there is currently feeling that way that you did on that night, what would you say to them right now?
Speaker 2:Find someone you can talk to, find someone who would literally just hold your hand and not let go. It doesn't have to be a partner, it can be a friend, it can be a parent, it can be anyone, but the feeling will pass. The feeling will pass when you realise that you're not alone.
Speaker 1:That's so powerful. And my last question to you, suja, is you said that you knew your worth and you started to feel gratitude for things, and that's how you started to shift things around for you. Do you have any practical tips or advice you could give to others who want to start learning their worth and being more grateful in?
Speaker 2:life. So one of the main things I did was I actually went on a solo retreat to Sri Lanka actually, but that was something I'd never done before I you know never. Kind of. It was a two week trip over Christmas in a year. I had never kind of gone away by myself before. You know, I've never had a need to and kind of just going by myself to Sri Lanka and kind of, you know, figuring out how to get to the place that I was going to. Just those little things oh my God, look at me. Yeah.
Speaker 2:But also I do a lot of journaling. I do a lot of kind of voice notes to myself where I kind of go Suja, what the heck? I'm obviously still in therapy. I'm getting better at kind of opening up to friends and kind of going. I don't feel great or I don't you know like I know when I need to surround myself with people and when I just need to be by myself and kind of being putting in boundaries and kind of going. No, I don't want to do that today. That's been huge, that's been huge and kind of just going. This is who I am. I'm not perfect. I'm quite close to it, but I'm not perfect.
Speaker 1:Love that attitude.
Speaker 2:You know that's fine, because actually I don't think I've ever met anyone perfect and we all have flaws and it's about embracing them and kind of going yeah, you know, I'm not great at XYZ, but I'm, you know, I'm brilliant at you know the other stuff.
Speaker 2:Yeah it's not. It's not, it wasn't and it still isn't. You know, like a get up and I'm healed type journey. This has been a long time coming. I'm still working on it, I'm still in counseling every week and I have lips and I have amazing moments and I have terrible moments. But it's about knowing it's a journey and kind of going okay, this is, this is how it works.
Speaker 1:I love all the tips that you've just shared. It's literally everything that I was. I was, I would say as well Like I think, a huge part of knowing your worth and this is something that I really struggled with because, like I didn't, I would say it took me a very long time to even understand how to even know my worth and what my worth was and life experiences happen that kind of cause you to think a certain way, maybe create beliefs about yourself and that can affect your confidence. So, like learning what your worth is is a journey and the sooner you get on that journey the better, because you start making better decisions for yourself, more in line with your values. But a huge part of that is actually, you know, building that confidence within yourself and knowing what you can do. And like pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. So like the fact that you went on that retreat, that sounds amazing and like these are the things that are going to help build that confidence within you and make you realize, actually I am capable of doing things that I didn't even think I was. So keep doing that and taking steps towards that.
Speaker 1:And journaling would love to hear your voice notes I'm sure they're hilarious of you doing that. But, like journaling, being grateful and like I think the biggest thing you know that I'm still trying to learn is not to let people make you change how you think about yourself, like their opinions and their beliefs with you doesn't mean that that's true. It's not fact. It's not that you get to decide what you can and can't do. But I think again, growing up, it's really hard to unlearn that because you know the way that, the way that everything is so that's really good that you know people are starting to talk about things like you also opening up. You know it could help so many people and I would love to take this opportunity just to say thank you so much for sharing your story, suja. It's incredibly brave and vulnerable of you to do and I'm truly appreciative of it Because I'm sure you know.
Speaker 1:If there is somebody out there that's listening, that's in a similar situation to you, they can see comfort from the words that you've said and see that you know you've been through it, but you've come out the other side and look at you. Now it's thriving and I'm so happy to see that. So thank you so much for being on this show. If anyone would like to get in touch with you, are they able to reach out to you via social media?
Speaker 2:Yes, so the best place to contact me is at Suja the Life Coach on Instagram. So if you can tag me in that later, that'd be amazing. But yeah, you know, I kind of I do as a Life Coach, I do packages and most of my work is with first and second generation immigrants who are kind of, you know, learning about self worth, learning about putting in boundaries, etc. So anything like that, just getting in touch. And even actually, if you just want to talk to someone and they're struggling to talk within your own circle again, which I understand I'm here. So, yeah, I don't want people to feel like they're alone when they're not actually. You know, and sometimes a stranger is better than someone that you know, and I'll be that stranger.
Speaker 1:Thanks, suja, amazing. I will put your details in the description box for anyone who'd like to get in touch with you and for the listeners. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. I hope you enjoyed it. Please do reach out to Suja if you'd like to connect with her. She's lovely and if there's something in particular that you enjoyed about this episode or something that resonated with you, please do let us know. You can leave a comment. We'd be happy to hear from you, and that's it. Have a great evening everyone. Thanks again.
