Okay, so what the hell is BDSM?
In this episode, we'll try to answer that question, but hopefully not in a boring way.
We're going to cover a few things, including the basic idea of what BDSM is and what it means, what's at the heart of BDSM, share a few thoughts on the idea of consent, a few safety tips to help get you started, and at the very end I'm going to give you some kink ideas that you might actually want to explore.
But first... the show intro...
You're listening to the Deeper with Red Podcast. A show about the BDSM lifestyle with stories, thoughts, and perspectives to inform, entertain, and challenge your thinking. Are you ready? Let's go Deeper.
Welcome to the show and thanks for hanging out with me. I'm Red, your show host.
Today we're tackling the question... what is BDSM?
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Oh, sorry about that!
You know, when I first started recording this episode, I tried to start out with the definitions of the letters of BDSM and no matter what I tried, it was just... boring. So, instead...
I want to get to the heart of BDSM.
Now, for those who don't know, BDSM, it actually stands for
- Bondage,
- Discipline,
- Sadism,
- and Masochism.
Now, if you're not quite sure what those terms mean, you can do a quick Google search. Get the definitions there. Or, leave a comment. Shoot me a message. We'll see if there's a need to go deeper into those terms.
But for now, what's at the heart of BDSM?
Well, my friend, that would be the concept of "Power Exchange."
I want you to keep two terms in mind when we're talking about this.
Top and bottom.
- The top is the one to whom power is given.
- The bottom is the one who gives up power.
Pretty simple, right?
Well, now, power exchange can actually get quite a bit complicated.
I want you to understand that a power exchange can be a short term thing or more of a 24/7 all the time thing. It really depends on what you want.
An example of a short term thing is basically just during the time you're playing with someone. That's it. During that scene, the top has the power to do the thing, and the bottom gives the top the permission to do it. But when the scene is over, so is the power exchange. Done.
Think of this like renting a car. You get the car to drive for a little bit, and as long as you take care of the car and give it back on time, everything is good.
Now, when it comes to a 24/7 power exchange, it can apply to so many other parts of your life outside of just playtime. And that can be a great thing for those who really crave that sort of a power exchange all the time.
This is more like owning a car. It's yours, and you can drive it when you want to, but remember, you still have to obey the speed limits, take care of the car, and keep it safe. There's a bit more responsibility that comes with this type of thing. So you need to know that you can handle that, regardless of what side of the exchange you happen to be on.
And of course, you can do a power exchange that is somewhere in between. You don't have to do only during play, and you don't have to do it 24 hours a day. What it looks like for you is completely your choice.
There are no hard and fast rules to say it has to look or be a certain way. Whatever it looks like for you, you get to first talk about it, then agree to it. And that's a pretty important thing.
But why a power exchange?
Well, for some people, the idea of always having to make decisions or being controlled can be exhausting. Some people may be in charge during the day, like at work, but want someone else to be in charge of other parts of their lives, especially the bedroom.
Some people love being in charge and want to take that on with someone else. They thrive on leading and want that in their personal lives too. You can even see where people may not be in charge during their workday. But this gives them the opportunity to enjoy that in their personal and sex lives as well.
But that doesn't mean someone is looking only for the opposite of what their workday looks like. Some people just like that level of power in all aspects of their lives.
For example, I am in charge at work and in my personal life. I love the responsibility of being the leader. While I do have power in my job. I still want that in my personal life too, and yes, there are those on the other side of things that don't have a lot of power in their jobs, but still crave that sense of security in someone else leading and directing them in their personal lives too.
In other words, each of us is different.
As a matter of fact, there are those who like both sides depending on their mood and their partners. We call them switches because they can bounce back and forth depending on their wants and their needs.
Let's talk about the idea of consent for a moment.
Consent is knowing and agreeing to what is going to happen. This is one of the core parts of BDSM, and while I'm not going to dive too deep into it here, I do want to talk about a couple of things.
Everything we do is based on the idea that everyone has agreed to engage in whatever is going on. In other words, everyone gave permission.
Whatever is going on, you should have a say in what happens. You should have an idea of what could happen and be willing to accept the risk involved. Yes, there are some real fun parts of kinky play. But there are some risky parts too, so it's really important that you have agreed to what's going to happen.
Now, you can get very detailed and direct, giving a solid "yes" to every turn, or you can go with the flow and test the waters along the way. How you do this doesn't matter as much as you agreeing to what's going on. You need to be on the same page as your partner, though. If you want to say yes step by step, and they just want to test the waters along the way, you're probably going to run into some trouble at some point.
Either way, if something comes up that you are not okay with, that's when it's time for you to speak up. This is where safe words can come into play. Most people in the kink world use safe words. Safe words are there to tell each other how things are going. They can be used to slow things down or even make it stop right away.
The most common safe words used are traffic light colors. Green means keep going. Yellow means slow down. And red means "stop right now." When you're talking to someone about a scene, make sure you're on the same page when it comes to your safe words.
While most people do use green, yellow, and red, some people like to come up with their own words. Just make sure you can remember what they are. It can be hard to remember to yell "rutabaga" when something is going wrong.
Now since I brought up safe words, let's touch base on a couple things when it comes to safety in kink. There will be another episode that dives deeper into safety, but here are three quick tips when it comes to safety in kink.
First, use common sense.
Seriously, do not leave your common sense at the door. You might think this is a no brainer, but you'd be shocked. Some people will do some really crazy things without giving it a lot of thought. Meeting a complete stranger at a shady motel after five minutes of online chatting... probably not the best idea. And yet, people will do that.
Second, you don't have to do anything you don't want to.
Whether you are a top or a bottom, you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with.
For example, you may want to try a different type of play, but someone is trying to pressure you into sex as well. If you don't want to include sex, you don't have to. Or maybe you're actually just wanting something sexual, but you don't want to be spanked. Again, you don't have to do what you do not want to do. Stick to your guns, and if it's asking too much, do not be afraid to walk away.
Third, consider a scene name.
This is a name you'll go by when meeting others in the lifestyle. It's not your actual real name, and that allows you to keep some privacy about your day to day life. Of course, there are times you may want to know the real name of somebody, especially if you're going to play with them. And that's perfectly fine. But it is actually quite common for most people in the community to have a scene name they use around the larger kink community instead of their actual name.
Now here's a tip for you when you're thinking of a scene name.
Consider something more like a nickname. Something that would make sense for you. I'll give you an example. My scene name is Red. Now that nickname makes much more sense once you understand that I am a natural redhead.
What you come up with is up to you. But there are good reasons to choose a nickname that feels right for you. A good nickname is easy for people to remember. You don't have to worry about who you're around, especially if you're going to parties.
You're using the same name anytime you're in the community, but one of the best reasons, if you ever run into someone outside of the kink community, let's say like at a grocery store, you can easily explain a nickname that makes sense if someone else is around.
Now on that note. Most people who have been in the kink world for any length of time know not to just say hi outside of the community. That's because some people have a lot at risk in their lives. From family life and kids, to work and careers, and even social groups they're a part of. Basically, if we don't know each other outside of kink, we just smile and keep going. We have no idea what they're doing, who they are with, and so it is best to wait until you see them again in the community before you say hi.
Okay, I promised you a few kink ideas to explore.
First, let's talk about the most common of kinks. Exhibitionism and voyeurism.
That's all about watching and being watched. Some people really get off on showing themselves to other people. And porn definitely shows us that people do love watching other people. Since these are so very common, they are definitely a couple things you can explore relatively easily.
Another one that many people enjoy is impact play.
This includes things like spankings, flogging, paddles. Basically, someone gets hit by something either for pain or pleasure, or quite often, both.
Sensation and sensory deprivation is another very fun thing to explore.
With this, you get to play with the senses. Some ideas here would be, use a blindfold. Play with some ice. Use headphones to take sound away.
Service oriented play is something you can definitely explore, especially if you want to keep sex out of things. Think about things where the bottom is given ways to serve the top. A couple quick examples could be maid service, cooking a nice meal, or even making and serving the perfect drink to the top.
Side note, I do love a good old fashioned.
A couple more for you.
Electric Play.
This uses some sort of an electric stimulating device to literally amp things up. This type of play can provide some great light tickling sensations or something even a bit more intense and sharper.
Wax Play.
Uses a low temperature candle that drips over the skin of the bottom. And this creates a great contrast between that sudden heat and a quick cooling effect. Clean it all off with a knife when you're done.
Oh, yeah. Knives!
Okay, okay, I need to stop here. There are so many different ways you can explore a variety of kinks, and if I tried to go through them all, we'd be here all day.
Instead, I need to go ahead and wrap this up.
So, hopefully now you have a better understanding what BDSM is, we touched on what the letters mean very briefly, but got more into the heart of it all... the Power Exchange. We talked a bit about some safety ideas, including using a scene name that feels more like a nickname, and finished up with a few kink ideas to think about when exploring.
I'd love to hear what you got from this episode. Would you help me out by adding a comment or a review? Be sure to subscribe for future episodes, too, so you don't miss out when something new is uploaded. If you have other feedback, you can also reach out to me at the show website, deeperwithred.com, and click on the Feedback tab.
Until next time, thanks for hanging with me, and have a great day.
Thanks for tuning in to the Deeper podcast. I hope that you not only enjoyed the episode, but maybe something new jumped out at you. Hopefully something that changed your perspective and maybe has you thinking a bit more. I'd love to hear from you. If you have comments, show ideas, or questions, please check out the show website at deeperwithred.com. Click on the feedback tab and send a message there. You'll also find other episodes, related materials, and even ways to show your fan support right there on the website. So we'll see you there. Until next time, whenever or wherever you can, Go Deeper!
