Welcome back to the Deeper with Red podcast. I am Red, your show host, and today we're going to talk about...
Getting started.
I just recently bought some new equipment for the podcast, uh, one, including a voice recorder. And one of the first things that made me want to do was start using it, but I didn't know kind of where to start.
You know, I have to jump into the manuals and start figuring out how that works. But then as I'm thinking about what I wanted to talk about today, it's... where do I get started? There are so many different things that I want to talk about, so many different things we can explore together. So where does one start when you've got so many topics available to you?
And that kind of got me thinking a little bit about when we first come into this lifestyle... where do we start? I know for a lot of people that is a big, big question... Where? Where in the hell do we even start? So I want to talk a little bit today about that... where to get started. You're going to notice in this particular episode, I am bypassing the whole intro thing.
I wanted to get away from that for a moment and see how that plays. I noticed that a lot of people were kind of dropping off during the intro, so let's just kind of jump right in and see what we've got. So getting started in this lifestyle, it's intimidating. There's a lot of things you want to see, a lot of things you want to try, a lot of things you don't even know what the hell they mean.
So let's talk about the different ways to get started and how to move forward with that. One of the first parts is learning. I'm not going to kid you. There is a lot to this.
You're going to hear a variety of different terms along the way, and you're not going to have any idea what in the hell they are. One of the best ways to learn those things is to just start getting online. There are plenty of websites, groups, message boards, you name it, out there that surround the topics of kink, BDSM, this sort of lifestyle.
Start doing some homework. Start looking things up. Now I'm going to give you a little bit of a caution here. When you start reading things online, or even in books, and plenty of books out there available as well, you're going to hear a lot of different perspectives. People are going to tell you exactly "what this means!"
They're going to tell you, "this means this, this, and this, and that is it. There is no, if ands or buts, there's no question marks. And if you don't fit into that box, then this isn't for you." One of the things that is lacking is perspective. There's no rule book folks. There's no Holy Bible of kink out there.
And the person who thinks they've written that is doing themselves and everybody else an injustice. They have a very limited view as to what can be done in this lifestyle. And I don't want you to carry that. I don't want you to read something on a message board somewhere, or read some website that tells you,
"this is the absolute how to do this thing."
You see, the reality is, that's not how it works. You're going to get a variety of perspectives. As somebody who comes from the top side of things, as a dominant and who has also been a master, I'm still learning, and growing, and evolving in what I do. I'm ten years into this thing. I still don't have all the answers. So understand that what you see online is just a collection of different perspectives. Take them, read them, learn from them, but figure out what works for you. Figure what really applies to you. There are certain things that just aren't going to make sense.
Certain things that don't fit you, your personality, your wants and your needs. You don't have to do those things.
You don't have to be a part of something that doesn't fit for you. So do keep in mind, that you're gaining perspective. You're learning, you're growing, you're expanding that knowledge base. You're seeing how other people see this, but start taking that with a perspective through your own lens and how you see the world and how you see this playing out for you.
That's very, very important. As you start doing all your learning and you start gathering all this information, one of the next places you want to start looking is... community. How do you meet other people in this lifestyle? After all, if you're going to do a lot of these things, you're probably going to need somebody else to do them with, and we'll get to that in just a moment.
But you're going to need to start meeting others in the community. Now for a lot of you, this raises some major red flags and a lot of fears and your hair standing up on its edge and you're like, "Oh my God, I have to meet people in this lifestyle? Oh God. No. Um, I just can't do that!" Calm down. It's going to be okay.
Most of the people you are going to meet in this lifestyle are just like you, just like me. They're people. Bottom line. We're all people and we all have different wants and needs and hopes and dreams and different perspectives and different viewpoints. But we're still just people. 90 percent of the people you are going to meet have also got some of the same fears you have.
Maybe you're worried about your job. Maybe you're worried about your kids. Maybe you're worried about how other people might see you or judge you. Trust me, they're all fighting those same things too. That's why this becomes a community because in so many ways, we are kind of all judged by others.
This is one of those areas where you can actually meet other people like you with some of the same interest as you and explore those interests. Kind of get a perspective from somebody else in real life as to how they see things. So how do you go about actually meeting these people in the community?
Well, you've already been on the web. You've already looked around at different websites. So if you take some of the more popular websites out there, like meetup.com or fetlife.com, you can find different pockets of groups, locally where you are. You look for different social events.
In the kink community, we love to call them "munches." Munches is a very fancy word for saying, "we're gonna get together and have some food", and that's what it is. You're, you're getting together with a whole bunch of other people in a very vanilla setting, probably at some restaurant, maybe in the back room.
Maybe in some tables off to the side. You're all interested in this lifestyle. You're all part of this lifestyle, but you're not in a kink setting. You're in a vanilla setting. So there's no pressure. You're not going to be playing with somebody right there on the spot. Nobody's going to come to you and say, Hey, can I do this with you?
Hey, would you like to do this right here, right now? It's not possible because you're in a vanilla setting. So it's more conversation. It's more getting to know people and not just the kink part. You actually get to know people as, well... people, which is kind of cool because you get to see that they're not much different than you.
It kind of helps to start setting you at ease a little bit that you're not some really weird, strange person. Well, you might be weird and strange and that's wonderful too. But you're not so weird and strange and messed up by being interested in this stuff. There are other people just like you and they don't all look like crazy maniacs.
There's going to be one or two. There's going to be one or two that do look a little crazy and a little maniacal, but for all intents and purposes, they're just going to be general people. So you want to look for the munches in the area. And they can be around different things. There are munches that are for the TNG group, which is "The Next Generation".
Typically those that are 35 and younger. So if you are younger in your age and you want to be around younger individuals, that's a great place to start. There's, conversely, the TOG, "The Older Generation". That's usually 35 and up. So if you want to be around a more mature crowd, you can do that as well. But you have general munches as well, just general community munches.
Here in my local area, we have what's known as a "Traveling munch" and it moves from one location to the next, travels all around the area so that different people from various areas have a better chance of coming to the munch. Munches are definitely more food centric. So they're going to be at a restaurant, you're going to be eating with other people, and hanging out and just talking over food.
But there's another avenue that's becoming more and more popular, and it's called a "slosh". Well, as the name kind of portrays, it's more around drinking... It's like going to a bar with other people, all kinds of socialize, have a drink or two and kind of get to know each other.
Again, very non threatening, very easy, very low entry point. So you don't have a lot of stress or pressure on top of you still in a very vanilla setting, but understand too, that you're probably at a bar. So some conversations can be a little bit more risque in that regard. You can also look for just more smaller social gatherings. I know here locally I actually put on what I've called an... "Old Fashioned Social." Now I love old fashioneds. So these are held at places that have really good kick ass old fashioneds. So, you know, kind of my own personal twist on that, but the goal is to open up an opportunity for 10-20 people to just come together, get to know each other and find a small entry into the community. For those who have major anxiety when it comes to meeting people.
Social anxiety can be real, it can be crippling. So for those people, this is really great because it's a much smaller crowd. It's only a handful of people, so you're not having to worry about being on for everybody.
Another avenue to reach into the community is through the local events. And I am talking about going to play spaces, dungeons, house parties, hotel takeovers, things like that. Now, a lot of those you're going to need to be vetted for.
A quick word on vetting... that is kind of an overblown statement in most cases. Most of the time it's they want to meet you. They want to go over the rules with you. Kind of let you know what to expect. Tell you what they expect out of you in terms of behavior. And then come and have fun. The good thing about events, especially more of your play events,
You get to see different people play in various ways. Now when you first go, your first time, you don't have to do anything. Understand, it's not a requirement that you actually do anything the first event you go to, or the second, or the hundredth. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
So what's really cool though about that is you get to watch other people play. You get to see different styles, different techniques, different types of play. You might see an impact scene here, and a wax session over there, an electric play over here, somebody throwing a whip over there. So many different things.
Some of these places will be sex positive, some will not. So you may or may not see exhibitionism on display. Whatever the case is, and whatever that party happens to be around, it gives you an opportunity to socialize with different people within those environments.
Now know that in those environments they are definitely going to be much more kink appropriate. So you're likely to get asked, "Hey, would you like to XYZ?" You may not have ever met this person before, and you can say no, please understand the invitation is not a demand and you can say no.
And if they press more, definitely say no. If you say no, and they keep pressing. They're not going to respect your boundaries while you're in play either.
So, keep that in mind as you look.
The point is, this is another place where you can actually start to meet other people within the community. Once you've stepped into this world a bit more, you might actually want to start exploring. Now, if you don't already have a partner that you're going to explore with, you'll start looking for a play partner. And there's a couple of different ways that you can actually address this.
You can look for specifically a play partner, somebody that you can dive in, test out a different kink, get their experience and let them teach you different things you can do with that. Again, at events, you can actually do pick up play. So you can meet somebody, talk for a little bit, negotiate a scene and try the scene right there on the spot.
We have a local event here that once a year they do what's known as an Exploratorium, where throughout the dungeon area there are different stations already set up. There are different tops that do certain things. So if as a bottom you wanted to explore what it felt like to have a bit of impact play, or a little bit of needle play, or a little bit of wax play, or electric play, there's different sections set up where you can go and just get a little taste of it.
You can kind of do the same thing at different events. Meet a play partner, even in pickup play, where you just met them... "I have an interest in knife play, but I don't know much about it. Can you give me maybe just five minutes? Show me just what that's like?"
That's okay to ask. It's okay for them to say no, but they might say yes. And now you can get just a taste of what's going on. Or if you want jump into a full on scene, that is your choice as well.
There's also the alternative of professionals. There are professionals within the kink world that will do professional level scenes. The focus in those are typically going to be primarily on you. The nice thing about that is there's not something that they're looking for from themselves. So let's say that you wanted to try an impact play scene with somebody, but you don't want it to become a sexual thing. And everybody you've talked to up to this point has said, yeah, I'll happily do impact with you, but I want to have sex afterwards. And that's not what you're looking for. With a professional, you're not going to get that.
You're going to go to them and say, I want to do this. They're going to tell you, that's great. Here's what it'll look like. This is what it would cost to set the time up. And then the scene becomes about you exploring what it is you want to explore. And that's not just from a bottom side. You could be a top wanting to learn how to do something.
And you could actually have a professional teach you that as well.
But let's get back to play partners, because for most of us, that's kind of where we want to be, whether we're in a relationship with somebody or just somebody we casually get together with and play, we want to find a partner we can begin to trust. Use common sense. Trust your gut. Make the best decisions you can. Don't go in blindfolded, don't go in crazy, and don't lose your damn mind along the way. But, don't get so hyper fixated on trying to know every single detail that you never can meet anybody because nobody can quite measure up to the vetting process you have.
So you gotta find the right balance for yourself there.
Once you find somebody that you can trust with that, then you begin to explore. You begin to try different things. Start slow. Start easy. It's okay. You can build up over time. This is not a sprint. This is a marathon. You have the rest of your life to explore this stuff. So, take your time.
Now, we've gone, we've learned some stuff online and different books, and we've met people in the community. We've enjoyed the sloshes and the munches and gone to a few different events. We've actually picked up a play partner or two that we're trying to explore these things with. Let's go deeper. When you're ready, obviously.
This is when you start talking about power dynamics and putting a power dynamic in place. This is not something you just do with some random person you just met. Do this with somebody you trust. Somebody you've taken time to get to know.
Dynamics is about turning power over to somebody else. If you're the submissive, you are handing your power and authority over to the dominant. If you're the dominant, you're taking on additional authority and responsibility. This is not child's play. This is real adult stuff.
And they have real adult consequences if you don't treat them with respect.
But for me, and I can only speak for myself in this, this may not apply to you. Power dynamics is where the magic truly begins to happen. To me, that's the magic behind this whole kink and BDSM world we live in. Establishing those relationships with clear power dynamics in place. Allowing the trust between two partners to grow and get deeper and deeper.
The vulnerability is insane. How crazy and wonderful that vulnerability can get.
Now. I will be touching more in future episodes on dynamics and how they play. And I know I've got one or two that touch a little bit here and there. So we'll be progressing further into how power dynamics work, what they look like, things like that. But I want to leave you with one last final thought. In all of this, as you begin to start your journey... as you begin to meet people, get involved in different parts of the community... getting to events and playing and finding play partners and, and all the wonderful things that come with this.
I want you to always remember one very important thing. Your personal safety is your personal responsibility. In everything you do, you have to take on the responsibility of knowing where your safety is. I am not, by any means, in any way, shape, or form, trying to advocate for any sort of victim blaming. By no means.
There are people out there that will take advantage of, assault, coerce, do all sorts of negative things with ill intent to other people. And those people are despicable. Those people should be dealt with. But ultimately, you do bear responsibility for the decisions you make. So if you don't know anything at all about a certain kink, but you go to a play party and you immediately just jump in and it's not what you thought it was going to be... I'm sorry, that's on you.
So take care of yourself, protect yourself, use your brain throughout all this... trust your gut. Thanks for hanging out with me today. I wish you the best on your journey, and I hope now you have a better idea of where to start.
Thanks for tuning in to the Deeper podcast. I hope that you not only enjoyed the episode, but maybe something new jumped out at you. Hopefully something that changed your perspective and maybe has you thinking a bit more. I'd love to hear from you. If you have comments, show ideas or questions, please check out the show website at deeperwithred.com. Click on the Feedback tab and send a message there. You'll also find other episodes, related materials, and even ways to show your fan support right there on the website. So we'll see you there. Until next time, whenever or wherever you can... Go Deeper!
