E7: Mind Reading in BDSM

Mind Reading in BDSM? Yeah.. You know... when that perfect Dominant just knows how to read your mind, or that perfect submissive that doesn't have to ask any questions... Yeah, we're touching on that one right here!

Transcript

Hello! Welcome back to the program. This is Red, your show host, and you're listening to the Deeper with Red podcast. 

Today, I want to talk to you about... mind reading. 

I know it sounds kind of silly, right? Um, nobody can read minds! And yet somehow along the way we treat others as if somehow they are able to read minds. And I want you to think about it like this. 

I'm going to give you a couple of examples.

A dominant will never be able to truly read your mind. If you're a submissive and you're waiting for them to read your mind, know exactly what it is you want, know exactly what it is you need, know where your fears, know where your limits are, it's not going to happen. There's no way they can do that. It's just not possible.

A lot of times I think we have this fantasy in our head. We have this idea that this person we've met is just so amazing, so wonderful... they know everything that we need. They've got it all figured out. We don't have to tell them anything. They have somehow, magically figured out everything we need along the way.

And if that's happened for you, then God bless you, that's wonderful. Uh, that's amazing. 

But that's not normal reality. This is not a Fifty Shades moment. This is not a trashy romance novel where the other person somehow magically is able to know every single thing you're thinking.

Sometimes as a dominant, we can be pretty good at reading. We may be able to read body language. We may be able to read your mood, your mindset. We can tell when things are off. Usually, we can kind of sense these things. (If we're paying attention. Not everybody does.)

But if we're paying attention, we can read a lot of these things.

But understand, that is only reading. We don't know exactly what's going on in your head. And there are going to be plenty of times where we're reading things... Absolutely wrong. 

If you're relying on your partner to totally read your mind, if your communication style is "you have to read my mind"... You're truly making this much harder than it needs to be.

Over the years I've heard from many submissives who don't want to place a lot of extra burden on their dominant. So they don't tell everything. They don't share everything that's in their mind, everything that's on their heart. They don't share their fears, their worries. Because the last thing they want to do is add more on top of the dominant. They recognize the amount of responsibility that a dominant will carry. And they don't want to add to that.

So what happens then is nothing. They don't say a word. They hold it to themselves. They keep it within. All to help shield the dominant from having to take on any more responsibility than they already have. The problem with this mindset is that you're actually placing more burden on your dominant that way. You are literally forcing their hand to have to try and read your mind.

It's so much easier if we are told exactly what somebody needs. If we are told exactly where your limits are. Now you may not know exactly where your limits are. You may not know exactly what your needs are. That's fine. I'm not talking about that situation.

But when you know what's going on in your own head, and you're not communicating that with your partner, with your dominant, and they are forced to have to try and figure it out, you're doubling their work. They have to not only read what's happening, but now they have to make sure that they are reading it right, and all that responsibility just doubles on them.

Because in that situation, while you're expecting them to read your mind, You're holding them to that standard because you're putting that work on them. You're expecting that they are so freaking amazing that they'll be able to figure it out. And when they don't, if they fail at that, that becomes a mark against them.

In your own mind, it's in your own subconscious, you may not be thinking it outright. But there's a very good chance that in your own subconscious, you are noting that they just let you down. They failed. And after a while, those failures start to add up. When in fact, the dominant did not even know what was going on.

I'm going to give you another example. And this is on the flip side. This is the dominant not communicating to the submissive. This is setting expectations or setting certain parameters in place but without clarity. Thinking that the submissive will just figure it out. They will read their mind. "They know what I mean."

"I said do this. They know what that means." What you don't realize sometimes as a dominant is they may not know exactly what you mean. And one of the challenges is that they may also be afraid to ask for more clarification. There's nothing worse than a submissive not knowing exactly what to do, trying to figure it out, constantly in fear that they are going to mess it up at every flipping turn.

If you cannot be clear in your directions, if you cannot offer that clarity that is needed and give a safe place for that clarity to be requested, in many, many ways you are setting that submissive up for failure.

For them to be truly successful at whatever task you have given them, for whatever the parameters may be, they need to know exactly what that means. Don't let them sit there trying to figure it out. If you do that, you're truly playing with their mindset and not in a positive way. So many times that fear of disappointing the dominant gets in the way.

"I won't ask that question. I'm not going to ask them for more information. I'm not going to ask them to tell me what they mean, because I'm supposed to be able to know this. Somehow I should magically understand this." And so now as a submissive, they've got to try and read your mind. And it's going to go just as badly when they fail and you, because you were expecting that they were going to read your mind and they didn't get it right.

Now, suddenly in your own head, they have failed. There's a mark against them. When in reality, if there had just been clear communication, And when there's a misunderstanding, that freedom to say, "okay, can you clarify that for me? I do not want to let you down. So can you please break that down for me a little better so I know exactly what you're looking for?"

This all comes down to good communication skills. This whole lifestyle comes down to good communication skills. We've got to be able to talk about the things that we want, the things that we need, where our limits are, where our desires are. The moment we have to try and play a guessing game, the moment we have to try and figure it out, this is where we start making mistakes on both sides.

Tops, bottoms, dominants, submissives, masters and slaves. I don't care what the dynamic is. If you're not talking, If you don't have that open line of communication where you can truly, truly ask the questions that are needed to get clarification and the other party be willing to give you that space and give the clarification, you're kind of fighting against yourselves here. You need to have that open communication.

This is an adult relationship. And this requires adult communication. And sadly, we've been given some really, really, really bad examples of adult communication over the years.

Expecting somebody else to figure it out. Expecting somebody else to read your mind. And then putting them down, shaming them, or making them feel like a failure because they did not get it right. Folks, that's the examples we've been given all across our society in terms of "adult communication." And that's not how we should do this.

We are different. The parameters of the dynamics that we play in are totally different than what most of the world works with. And that calls for us to be different. It requires that we communicate at a different level. So if you're in a situation where you're not quite sure what the other person meant... ask.

If you're submissive and your dominant has given you direction and it's not clear enough for you, there's too much open for you to try and interpret, ask them for clarity. If you're the dominant, and you can tell something is on their mind. Ask them. Don't just try and figure it out. "What's going on? Talk to me.

I need to know." And I don't care what side of this equation you guys happen to be on. If somebody else in your relationship is asking you for clarification, and you have the information to give them that clarity that they need... if you want this relationship that you've got to grow and to get deeper and to foster, don't hold it back.

Don't be worried about being a huge burden to the other person. They would not be there if they didn't want to take on whatever that burden is.

Communicate with each other. Talk to each other. It's the most vital thing you can do in this lifestyle. It's the most vital thing you can do in any relationship, period. But especially within this lifestyle. Because honestly, if you cannot figure out how to truly, openly communicate with your partner in this, you may want to rethink whether you should be doing this.

I don't say that lightly... because I'm not somebody that's going to sit here and tell you how you should and have to do this. But I'm telling you that communication is that freaking important. If you can't do it, if you refuse, then you really need to rethink whether or not this is the type of relationship you're looking for.

So be good to each other. Talk to each other. Be open, communicate, and stop making the other person try to read your mind. It's not going to work. Thanks for tuning in. Hope you guys enjoyed this one and I'll catch you on the next one. 

Thanks for tuning in to the Deeper podcast. I hope that you not only enjoyed the episode, but maybe something new jumped out at you. Hopefully something that changed your perspective and maybe has you thinking a bit more. I'd love to hear from you. If you have comments, show ideas or questions, please check out the show website at deeperwithred.com. Click on the Feedback tab and send a message there. You'll also find other episodes, related materials, and even ways to show your fan support right there on the website. So we'll see you there. Until next time, whenever or wherever you can, Go Deeper!