E8: Dealing with Drop in BDSM

Sub & Top Drop in BDSM:

What is it, how does it affect you, how do you deal with it, and when will it ever end? This episode will dive into Drop (sub drop and top drop) to help you better understand what to do!

Featuring a special guest as well!

Grab a cup of coffee and get comfy. This one is going to give you a lot of information!

Don't forget to subscribe, and drop a comment - tell me about your experience with drop, and how you deal with it!

Transcript

Red: 
Welcome back to the Deeper with Red podcast. This is Red, your show host, and I am here today with a very special guest. This is Laura. 

Laura:
Hi. 

Red: 
So if you don't know, Laura is my wife. She's also my submissive. And, uh, we've lived together now for... 

We've lived together for eight years. We've been together for 10 years, married seven. 

Red: 
See, and that's why I have her around because I can't keep up with these dates and numbers and all that kind of fun stuff.

Today, I wanted to bring up a topic for you guys and hopefully this will be something of value to you. We want to talk about... Drop. 

What is drop? Now that can be sub drop, top drop. It doesn't matter. It affects everybody. 

And one of the reasons I wanted to have Laura on with us today is she's an expert in drop. She's dealt with drop over the years and hopefully she can give some great perspective from more of the bottom submissive side... and kind of go from there and see how this plays out. So, let's start with... What is drop? How would you describe what drop is? 

Laura:
So the technical explanation I guess is that drop is a drop in endorphins.

You get endorphins when you play. You get endorphins when you run. That's why they call it a runner's high. You get endorphins in many different ways. When those endorphins go away, that's what drop is. 

Red: 
Correct. So, yes, as we're playing, we build up a lot of the endorphins. We build up a lot of the different chemicals that play into the fight or flight scenarios that play out in our bodies.

And so we get all that, that huge rise and all these chemicals that hit in us. So once everything stops, the scene is over, everything is kind of cool and chill. All that that has been built up in us now has to come back down. And so that's why it's called drop because suddenly all these endorphins, all these chemicals are just dropping in levels completely out of us.

So definitely we know what drop is. We know that it is Chemicals in our brains doing crazy and weird shit. That's why we have so much fun while we're actually playing because we're getting those highs... 

Laura:
Right... 

Red: 
What does, and this is from a submissive perspective for you... 

When you're dealing with drop, what does that feel like for you?

Laura:
Drop for me varies...

It can be anywhere from angry to sad to just kind of melancholy and blah. Cold, sometimes hot, needing food. there's a lot of different... different ways you can drop. For me, generally drop is mostly just kind of sad and melancholy. 

Red: 
Do you feel any sort of a physical reaction to this or is this mostly just mental, emotional type of feelings that you're dealing with?

Laura:
Overall, I would say it's mostly mental emotional, but there are physical aspects to it as well. There are, you feel cold, that is part of the endorphins leaving your body, tends to make you feel a bit cold. There is tired. I do feel tired quite often when I drop, whether it's needing a nap or just an extra cup of coffee or something along those lines.

Red: 
God bless our coffee. 

Laura:
Gotta have it. 
So it is both. It's physical and mental. and emotional. 

Red: 
When you're talking about the mental, talk to me a little bit more about what mentally you're dealing with in that aspect. 

Laura:
So mentally it is a bit of... doubt, worry, fears, am I good enough? Do they still like me? What if this part of this is too much?

Maybe I shouldn't let them know anything cause I don't want them to be concerned. I'm going through this alone... kind of things. You know, being unsure, I think, is a good way to explain that. 

Red: 
A lot of unsurety, a lot of anxiety and worry. What about the emotional aspect? What really hits you from an emotional standpoint?

Laura:
Sometimes it's something I can't explain. Um, there are times I feel like I want to cry, and I have no idea why I want to cry. It's just All of a sudden I feel like I want to cry. It could be, I saw a puppy or a cute kitty and, you know, just the overwhelming emotion of, okay, it's just a cat, it's just a dog. Why am I wanting to cry over this thing that normally I'd look at and be like, "oh, it's cute!" but now I'm, you know, waterworks and need the tissues and blubbering mess. 

So it kind of varies and depends on... you personally, I think. 

Red: 
Let's talk about that just a little bit because we do have a dynamic. This is not necessarily just "pick up play" between us... When it comes to these type of feelings, whether it be the emotional, mental, even the physical...

How does that relate to me as the dominant in our relationship? Are there any aspects of being your dominant that play into how you feel when it comes to your emotional or mental questioning and concerns? 

Laura:
That has evolved over the years. In the beginning, very much was afraid I would let you down and I would disappoint you in some way by dropping and dropping either fast or slow or maybe I didn't drop enough or, you know, I didn't feel this thing or that thing, or maybe I felt too much.

Now it's more of... am I annoying you with my drop? Because I can be annoying at times, you know, whether it's, I want this candy or this thing or that thing. So all the candies. So it's one of those things. Now I don't worry about the disappointment as much. I don't worry about the unsure if I'm dropping properly from what everybody else says or anything like that.

It's more of just, am I annoying you? I think is the biggest at this point, but that's 10 years in. 

Red: 
I gotcha. So, something else that comes to mind, I know that there are times where you've not really been sure if you're dropping. How does that work? Do you feel like, "maybe I'm dropping, maybe I'm not?" Is it always, you know for sure that's what it is?

Laura:
No, I don't always know for sure if that's what it is. When I think I might be dropping, I look at a few things. How long has it been since we played? How heavy did we play? And even with that, it's not necessarily how heavy, how emotional was it? That plays into it a lot as well. And if I'm unsure if I'm dropping, I still do the things that I need when I do drop, just in case.

That way I'm staying on top of it. I'm, I know that if I am, okay great. These are the steps I need to take. If I'm not, well, I just gave myself a little treat. 

Red: 
I get it. From my side as a top, not a lot of tops realize sometimes that we drop. We can have some really awesome experiences and still fall prey to dropping.

I actually just had it happen to me recently, and it was the weirdest thing. Just to set the stage for you guys, we had done a double scene that night. We were at a play party, and I had done a scene with Laura. And then immediately after, I had done a scene with another submissive that I have. And we, it was intense throughout.

From start to finish, and there was no break in between. I played extremely heavy with both, very sadistic in both, and really allowed my own sadistic nature to come out, which... it doesn't happen very often, not to that level. We were very much in a enclosed environment, there wasn't a lot of people around.

So it really became very intimate as well. And it was a wonderful night. I had a blast, I enjoyed the hell out of it. But then, like, the next day, or actually two days later for me, because I know we had some other stuff come up, all of a sudden, that morning I felt... blah. 

That morning I was kind of like, low energy... "I think I'm dropping..." ugh, you know, the world is just blah. And I could, I could feel that myself. 

Laura:
I think I actually asked you if you were dropping because you seemed very blah. 

Red: 
That's probably true. What was weird, though, is you had gone later in the day and laid down to take a nap. And then suddenly that... that blah feeling went from "ugh" to full on... "Oh my God, I am going to explode!"

It was the craziest shift. I was so antsy. I wanted to tear something apart. I wanted to just, it was like all the adrenaline was just flowing through me and in just this crazy way. And I was even thinking I should go to the gym because I've got all this energy now I should go to the gym. But then I knew better because I would have pulled something. I would have gone and worked myself so hard. 

And for hours I stewed on this, I stewed on trying to figure out what in the hell is going on? Why am I feeling so ragey? And that was the only word I could think of. I wasn't mad. I wasn't angry. It wasn't that I was pissed off at the world... but God help me, I wanted to rip something apart. I wanted to shred something bad and I wasn't quite sure what was going on. 

I reached out to a few of my top friends, uh, more sadistic than me and just... "Okay... is this something normal?" And I got some answers back from them saying, yes, we've dealt with that as well. So obviously that was quite a normal thing.

I had just never played up to that point or allowed myself mentally to get that deep into the sadistic nature within me. So that was a very interesting experience on my end to feel that level of drop. It's crazy. 

What causes drop? Now we know what drop is. Is it a specific level of play? What is the trigger that actually can create that drop? What are your thoughts on that? 

Laura:
So, to get away from the technical aspect of "what is drop?"... it's a connection, whether it's with someone else or with yourself, with your own body, that is more intense. And it doesn't always have to be with play. It can be a connection with a person. Maybe you don't get to see them very often, but you spend an entire weekend with them.

You don't play at all, but you just had that time with them that you don't normally have. You maybe just were in service to them, you know, and helped them with things around the house, just mundane chores, even, but things that you don't normally do in your day to day. 

Red: 
So something that's connected you, something that's really bonded you with that person and experience is what's doing that and causing those levels to trip off.

Laura:
Correct. And you may not feel like you're getting that subspace or top space... you may not feel like you're getting that high, especially if it is spread over a few days or something along those lines. Imagine you go on a week long vacation and it's this great thing at the place you love.

And you just have the most amazing time. Maybe only one or two minor things happen that weren't great. And then you come home and now you're like, ugh... 

Red: 
Exhausted. 

Laura:
Exhausted. I just need a vacation from my vacation. And that is the same thing because you had this wonderful, amazing experience. Even if it's something you do every year, twice a year, you still had this amazing, wonderful experience.

So now you're coming down from that experience. 

Red: 
I get that. 

I know for me, when I take a week and I just get on the motorcycle and ride and I've had just this wonderful... amazing experience. Come back. I am chill -like chill AF- just but then there's the drop that comes after that and some people say it's you know getting back to regular life and getting back to work and but no there is definitely a drop because of all the endorphins that were built up over that time.

Laura:
Actually getting back to work, getting back to regular life is a part of it. Because you do have responsibilities. You do have things you have to do. Oh, I can't do this thing. I can't be with this person. So that actually does play into it as well. 

Red: 
No, I would not disagree with that. No, I think you're right.

I think part of it is having to come back to reality because a lot of times these experiences, whatever they are, it's a step outside of normal day to day reality. So yes, you have to come back to reality and it's never, never nearly as fun. And there is a little bit of that disappointment and that drop and that, Oh, okay, fine.

I'll go to the damn grocery store. 

Laura:
Exactly. 

Red: 
I know for me, my first experience with drop... It was unexpected. I was fairly new to the entire lifestyle. I just recently started exploring BDSM and trying to figure out what all this meant. And I had connected with this woman. And it wasn't anything intense. We didn't do like a scene or anything like that.

At that point, I didn't know how to do a scene. I wasn't into any kink play because I didn't know any of it. We just had a really great bit of time together and I thought it was just really good intense sex and it was wonderful. 

Hours later, and I'm not kidding... hours later... I get this message from her that she is just beside herself. She is feeling so bad and she is feeling a bit angry and just... she's dropping... but we didn't have a word for it.

We didn't know what that was. It's kind of the reason why I wanted to do this episode because we didn't have that information then either as to what that even was. She did do some research online. She found some information that talked about what drop was and so she's immediately reaching back out to me.

"This is Sub Drop! What do you know about it?" And, of course, I knew nothing of sub drop at the time. I was new. I didn't know what I didn't know. Of course, then, she did not like that answer one bit, and that was the end of what exploration we had. She needed to be with somebody at that point that knew what was going on, had the answers, and I didn't blame her for that.

But that was my first entry into the world of drop, and I had no idea what it even was. I doubled down. I started doing the looking and the reading and trying to figure out exactly what it was. 

So... that's one of the reasons why we're doing this today. So that you have a little bit more information, you know what it is and know how to better handle that.

Talking about handling it... 

How do you as a sub deal with drop? How do you manage to get through when you are dropping? 

Laura:
So for me, it starts immediately after the scene is when I start my, my care, my self care, my drop care. Generally, it's the aftercare that does play into it because there are times when I don't receive aftercare, whether it's because we're at a party and we just don't have the opportunity.

Whatever the reason may be, that can play into it as well, so I know I need something warm, whether it's a blanket or a hoodie, and that goes for when I'm feeling the full effects of drop as well. I need something to eat, some sort of snack, salty for me usually, that's right after we play. When I'm actually dropping, 

I crave sweet. 95% of the time and it varies, but I always give myself that pass to have the sweet stuff, to have the jelly beans, to have the peanut butter M&M's, which are my current obsession, to have the sodas, to have the little snacks and things like that, because those are what's needed. 

I have my stuffed animals so I can cuddle with my stuffies. They make me feel a little bit better. If I have something that has the scent of you on it, that helps as well. You know, just the normal things that bring me comfort in general, are what I have. 

When I was working, that made it a little more difficult because there were things I had to do at work. I couldn't just sit and not do anything all day. But I had my sweater or a hoodie or something to keep me warm because I would always be cold. Of course, office spaces generally are. I would have maybe a small little stuffed something on my desk that I could just kind of play with or rub a little bit that wasn't anything out of the norm. Maybe a heating pad to help with the warmth, some candy, a candy bar, something I can kind of snack on, maybe a quick text to say that... "hey... feeling this," "missing you," whatever it may be, so I could get a few words of reassurance from him as well during the day, and so he would know where I was at and be able to offer some reassurance throughout the day also. 

Red: 
And yes, there are times that we've had situations where aftercare wasn't necessarily possible. Uh, sometimes that does happen at certain events where you've got to get off and move and there's really just not the space for the kind of aftercare that you would like to have, a really quiet room or something like that.

And then as we have gone further in our relationship and experience, there are times where the aftercare, the immediate aftercare isn't as needed in the moment. It may generally come a little bit later. Yes, you do end up with a lot of your sweets and your treats and those are great. I know that we've also done, you know, chicken noodle soup or, you know, certain types of foods that definitely come into play.

Oh wow.... when you first started... folks, I'm not kidding, when we'd get done, we played last... we always played last because it did not take but 15 minutes. We, we played, we did a little bit of cuddle, we packed everything up and got the hell out of there as quickly as we could. And the first place we needed to stop...

Laura:
Somewhere, cause generally I needed a hamburger or a steak or some sort of red meat. 

Red: 
She needed something meaty to eat at that moment. And so we would find the nearest restaurant. We'd get in there, we'd place our order and God help them. I was hoping that they didn't take forever to make the stupid food because half the time we would be waiting for the food and the time clock was ticking.

And then suddenly it just flipped. And she's like... "I don't want it!" "I'm not even hungry." "Never mind." "Eat." "Enjoy." "Go ahead, please." "Eat your food, but I don't want it!" 

Laura:
Yeah, that generally did happen. Um, that was in the beginning. That was before I knew. What steps to take after play to help slow that process down, to help with that process before I could control those things as well.

I can actually control my drop now much better than I was able to before. I can feel that, hey, it's coming on. Okay. Well, I'm not in a place where I can do that. Maybe, you know, I'm out in public, maybe I'm with family, something is going on. You're at work, whatever that may be. Now I can say, okay, "I feel drop coming on," but kind of put it on hold, so to say. I'm still going to feel it. I may still seem a little sad, a little melancholy, maybe a little tired. 

And if anyone notices, anyone asks questions, "are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm just tired. It's been a long day." Even if it's, you know, nine o'clock in the morning. If you're in a job, they will understand that even at an hour in, but that has come with time and with experience and with learning. Before it was pretty immediate.

And I had drop twice. I would have the drop immediately after play, where I had to have food. I had to get something in me very quickly. Once I got food, I was generally pretty okay. 

Red: 
You were. 

Laura:
And then either later that evening or the next day, my drop would hit. And it would either hit as extreme anger.

Red: 
Mm hmm. 

Laura:
Or extreme sadness. And I didn't understand why with either of them... the sadness I kind of got, but the anger I'm like, "what the heck, why am I angry?" Cause that's how my body decided to process it that day. 

Red: 
The reason I wanted to share that story wasn't to embarrass or to do anything along those lines.

Laura:
Absolutely not. 

Red: 
No, it was more so because that's the story for us in the beginning where there wasn't a lot of experience, did not know exactly what it was, did not recognize it, did not know how to account for it, how to process it yet. That's important for you to know if you're new to this, because you may not quite understand what it is you're feeling.

You may be angry. You may be beside yourself trying to figure out what in the hell is going on. And not really have any sort of a reasonable, logical answer in your head as to why you're feeling a certain way you're feeling, especially after you just had a great scene with somebody. Sometimes it takes time to recognize this stuff.

Laura:
It does take time to recognize it, and it takes time to recognize that everyone drops differently. You can ask 10 people how their drop affects them and you will get 10 completely different answers. There may be some overlaps there, like the general sadness, the general possible anger, things like that.

But you will still get 10 different answers and you'll get 10 different answers as to what helps them process and helps them through it. 

Red: 
Correct. For me as the top, I'm still learning what to do to process it for me. Because I've not dealt with it nearly as much. My endorphins do rise, but they don't always rise to that level.

Partly because, for me in my mind, the way that it processes is I have to be in control of everything throughout the entire scene. So I don't let myself get too far carried away. Therefore, my endorphins don't quite get up as high as somebody who is full on, maybe from a bottom side, fully immersed. But this last situation for myself in dealing with drop... that was new.

It was something for me to learn from. So learning how to process out the extra energy, learning to recognize that and understanding that this is normal. At the time I had no clue what it was or why. So that was weird and it was confusing and it was scary in some ways... even as a top, guys... it's scary when you're dealing with drop for the first time.

So that's okay if it scares you. But now that I've gone through that, now that I've processed that out, I have a better understanding of what it feels like for me, better understanding of maybe the things that I can do. Later on in the day, I did go to the gym, so that definitely helped, but that was after I kind of amped down just a little bit cause I did not want to hurt myself.

So it's learning those things though, that help you to self soothe. I know people that deal with drop... they need to have good sex with somebody. They need to get out and run. Sometimes they just need to get more of those endorphins out to help level it back down. 

Laura:
And that's just it too. If you have the opportunity to get your endorphins back up a little bit, that will help to lessen the drop as well.

That's where having something like a good steak, a good burger, that red meat also helps to do that. If you're vegetarian, whatever your go to is for that, something with good protein is very important. Um, I know people that'll eat yogurt after or something along those lines, and that's actually a great thing.

It's something quick and easy that helps to bring those levels back up, not just your sugar levels. Get out and run, exercise, listen to music, do whatever it is that normally makes you happy. Sometimes you may have to force yourself to do those things, but do it even if it's just for 10 or 15 minutes and you'd be amazed.

For the women out there, grab one of your little small vibrators and give yourself a quick orgasm. It doesn't have to be anything mind blowing. Just that little hit to the endorphins and guys, I mean, You do you. I don't know exactly how all that works for you... because for me, I can just get, you know, my little vibe and within five minutes I'm good to go.

But even still, that helps with that part of it and you may still drop, you may still have the same feelings later, but it may help you get through that particularly tough moment. 

Red: 
So the takeaway from that... the best way to deal with this is to find the things that help soothe you and it can be a wide variety of things.

So start to learn what it is that you enjoy and pay attention to your everyday life. Pay attention to the things you do normally to feel better. If you're sick, what are the things you do to take care of yourself then, when you just want to feel a little bit better? When you're feeling a little down today?

It's not even drop. You're just feeling down today. What are the things that you normally do to make yourself feel better? Make mental notes of these things because these are the things you can use when you're dropping as well to help soothe yourself during that process. 

Laura:
Well, and I would even suggest making it part of your negotiations with your play partner is... "Hey, here's how my drop (if you know how my drop process is) here's what I need after."

So when you tell them I'm dropping, they can maybe reply back or call you or whatever it is you have in place and say, "Okay, go get yourself some peanut butter M&M's. Get your favorite stuffy, curl up on the couch beside your pet, if you have one, and relax for a little bit." Or if you're at work, "okay, go to the vending machine, run to the store..." whatever you can do to help with that while you're there. And then when you get home, you can X, Y, Z. 

Red: 
That brings up a very important point, though, that I want to touch on as well, and I'm glad you brought that up. Not everybody has a partner. Not everybody has a consistent play partner. And even with some of their consistent play partners Immediate aftercare or extended aftercare during drop isn't always part of what's between the partners.

So you will have some play partners that "I just don't do aftercare" and that's fine. I mean, if you've negotiated it out and you're both okay with it, but it is important that you talk about it, at least understand what to expect. If you're on the bottom, know what the top can offer. If you're on the top, know what you're willing to offer.

And talk to the bottom about that, and so you're on the same page. But there are definitely people out there do not have a consistent partner in their life. So you want to learn how to do these things for yourself. If you have a friend that knows that you're in the lifestyle, 

Laura:
Yes! 

Red: 
Somebody you can reach out to and say, "Hey, I'm going through this." That friend may even say, "Hey, come over, hang out. We'll put on some movies and watch that. Or we'll go for a run or let's go grab a drink and just get out of the house for a little bit." 

Laura:
Or they could even be the ones that remind you of, "Hey. Okay, this is what you need to do. Go get your stuffies, go get (I say stuffies all the time because that's my go to), but go get whatever it is your comfort thing is and do that."

Take care of yourself in that way to remind you because sometimes when you're in drop, you don't always remember or think of all the things that may help you. 

Red: 
And one more tip that you can do in that situation, let's say that you don't have that consistent partner. And you don't have that friend that you can talk to about this lifestyle, which that happens.

While you're not in the middle of drop, write down the things that make you feel better. Put them someplace easy that you can get. That way when you are in this place, when you do feel that you're trying to think of, "Oh God, okay, I need to feel better. I don't like how I'm feeling right now. What can I do?"

Instead of trying to get your brain to focus and catch back up with you, pull your list out. You'll have it right there in front of you so that you can then, "Oh, you know what? I do have some candy or I do have a blanket over here or that's my favorite movie. Let's put that on!" Whatever it is, you have it listed out easy and at your fingertips.

Laura:
Well, and I think the biggest thing to remember Is that this is all part of the process of play or spending time or whatever it is. There's going to be the ups and downs and the evens. You're not going to have one without the other. It's like a swing. You have to go back the other way at some point.

Red: 
Correct. Now, I think the next question I have, and this is our last point on this topic... 

Does drop stop? 
Does it stop happening to you as you get more experience along the way? 

Laura:
No. 

Short and sweet. No, it doesn't stop. For me, it has evolved. It has changed. I can shorten it because I know what to do, but it does not stop.

Red: 
You're not nearly as angry immediately as you used to be when we first started. 

Laura:
No, definitely not. But I also can recognize that, "oh, I think I might be dropping. Let me go get some candy" and half an hour later, an hour later, I feel fine. I'm okay. And we could have had one of the most intense scenes we've ever had.

And I still feel fine and I'm fine after that, because I've given myself what I need in that moment to process the drop that day. Or there's other times where it's like, yeah, I need the whole day, and maybe we had a five minute scene, you know, and I just need to process and to feel whatever it is I'm feeling for the whole day.

Red: 
I know for me, I'm still learning those things myself, 10 years in, and I'm dealing with a new type of drop that I've never dealt with before. So I don't think that it ever stops. I do like what you said. It does evolve. It changes. I think as you continue to learn more about yourself, you continue to learn how you handle things.

That's going to change. But the other thing that happens as we continue to experience this lifestyle is we start to try new things. So things that you didn't do two, three years ago, suddenly you're... you're open to trying them today. So it's a whole new experience. And that drop might hit slightly differently because of the type of experience it was.

I know when we did electric play for the first time, that was a totally different drop for you. You were unsettled by that and didn't know exactly what the hell was going on. 

Laura:
Electric play, the first time I did rope, the first time pretty much anything, my drop has been completely different. Usually the first time it's more contemplative and trying to figure out, okay, did I actually like that?

Or was I just in the moment trying to make my top feel good? But that's part of it with drop. It's constantly evolving. It's constantly changing. Even if you do the same thing for ten years. You play the same way with the same toys with the same partner the same amount of time your body is going to change... it's kind of like running or exercising... if you do it consistently your body changes and you will be more used to certain things, but you still have changes. Your body is still going to react a certain way. It could be that maybe you got over a cold last week and then you went and played today and tomorrow you're going to have some super intense drop because your body wasn't quite back to a hundred percent.

Red: 
Yeah. 

So the biggest thing there is that no, it's probably not going to stop. You may learn how to better cope with it, how to deal with it, how to manage it. You may get a better perspective for yourself on what it means, what actually triggers it, but it's unlikely that it's ever going to stop. But it will get better in most cases.

Laura:
It will, and... even if it getting better is that you know how to handle it. 

Red: 
Correct. 

So I think that kind of wraps up this episode for Drop. Hopefully this helped answer a few questions for you. Thanks for hanging out with us. Thank you, Laura, for being here with me today. 

Laura:
Thank you for having me on. 

Red: 
All right. We'll catch you guys in the next one. 

Thanks for tuning in to the Deeper podcast. I hope that you not only enjoyed the episode, but maybe something new jumped out at you. Hopefully something that changed your perspective and maybe has you thinking a bit more. I'd love to hear from you. If you have comments, show ideas or questions, please check out the show website at deeperwithred.com. Click on the Feedback tab and send a message there. You'll also find other episodes, related materials, and even ways to show your fan support right there on the website. So we'll see you there. Until next time, whenever or wherever you can, Go Deeper! !