Cut Them Off

Join us and Taura Mickens as we decide if we should CUT THEM OFF! Taura openly shares insights on navigating tough relationship decisions, like cutting ties with toxicity. Whether reassessing your social circle or navigating life's twists, join us for this discussion as we decide if we should finally cut them off! 

Transcript

Tanzania: 0:00

One, two, three, four. Get your friends about the group chat. Group chat, group chat where your past was in the air air air the devil.

Shavonia: 0:12

He don't like it. Stump that devil, stump that devil.

Tanzania: 0:21

Oh well, oh well, what it do, baby? I am Tanzania Black. I'm Shavonia Marie, and welcome to Get Out the Group Chat. We are excited. I'm so excited Because today we have Taura Mickens on the podcast. We are so excited to have her.

Shavonia: 0:38

You're actually going to see her a couple times this season, but she's amazing.

Tanzania: 0:43

She is everything you could ever desire in a friend. She's an amazing mother, she's an amazing wife and the ideas that she has will blow your mind. So we're excited in 2024 to see her do everything God has called her to do the books, everything on social media, all the things. Thank you, we're excited about that All right and as you know, we do a game every episode where you have to phone a friend, okay, so go ahead and get your phone together, we're going to ask you a question.

Tanzania: 1:17

We'll ask your guest once they get on the line.

Shavonia: 1:21

Okay, Bring in the answer. Wait, I gotta find a person.

Taura : 1:26

Y'all are stressing me, okay, and if they don't answer when you have to eat?

Shavonia: 1:32

The mystery man.

Taura : 1:34

Okay, okay.

Tanzania: 1:39

Wait, you're going to get about 10 seconds to call. Okay, you're calling Okay.

Shavonia: 1:47

Please answer. It doesn't look like your friend is a very good friend.

Taura : 1:52

It's only twice. It's only twice.

Shavonia: 1:55

I usually pick up on the second link. Look like it's going to be a oh no.

Taura : 2:04

What did you call Taura Taura? I called Tisha, but she probably not answering because, well, your call has been forwarded.

Shavonia: 2:11

Yes, and look at the friend, forward her, it's okay, taura Because, guess what we? Got a good old mystery food for you.

Taura : 2:19

It's going to be the. I'm allergic.

Shavonia: 2:20

It's going to be the Kalamata olives and whipped cream Isn't that bad.

Taura : 2:26

This sweet and salty.

Tanzania: 2:28

You need you to do better with your combinations man Okay, you like olives? I love olives. Wow, well, we picked the wrong one. Wow, learn something new every day. How does it taste with the whipped cream? Though? You got your body armor right there.

Taura : 2:42

Okay we finally got a winner.

Shavonia: 2:44

Okay, she didn't like it. She didn't like it.

Taura : 2:48

I don't like the whipped cream. It's not cold. The olives too, I saw she First of all.

Tanzania: 2:56

She gave you that whipped cream that has been sitting out all day, she is not a good friend, oh my.

Taura : 3:01

I'm going to get sick.

Shavonia: 3:03

That's the whipped cream that was sitting out there with their fruits. First of all, he just took it out the refrigerator.

Taura : 3:08

This is not cold, this is room temperature. It's three o'clock. I'm gonna get sick.

Tanzania: 3:13

Don't say that, don't say that. Pray over the Lord. We just think it, even now that we covered and get sick.

Taura : 3:18

This is disgusting and this is the perfect episode Cut them off I'm cutting you off.

Tanzania: 3:24

So wait.

Taura : 3:24

If you're friend and feed you food with bacteria in them, you cut them off, okay.

Shavonia: 3:32

So we're gonna roll into the topic. Okay, we're gonna roll into. The topic for today is do you believe in cutting people off? So do you believe for real, for real, in heart and hearts? Before you know, I gave you that whipped cream. Okay, would you have cut me off? Or?

Taura : 3:48

what do you think?

Tanzania: 3:49

about cutting people off.

Taura : 3:50

I think cutting people off is a really interesting, hard thing to do, but I think sometimes it's very necessary, and so, yes, expound on the necessary part of what Some friendships. I think sometimes we lean on like longevity, like oh, I've been with you a long time, but we don't really that like look at, is this person toxic to me? Like and I'm not talking about conflict, because conflict happens Like friends are different, like we are all extremely different, but I think when it turns toxic, when there is harm being done, and not just like one time or two time, but like perpetual harm.

Taura : 4:32

And I'm telling you I don't like this thing and you're doing it over and over and over. Then to me you're not being my friend because you don't care about me enough to at least change your behavior. Yeah, and at that point I gotta cut you off.

Tanzania: 4:48

So do you have like, if you don't mind sharing an example, you mind? I was just like.

Shavonia: 4:54

You just get to have the group chat. We're in the group chat so you do the whole talk, so you get like a real life example.

Tanzania: 4:58

Cause maybe you know our audience like wanting to know specifically what that looks like.

Shavonia: 5:02

Oh, we yeah not we.

Taura : 5:05

Okay, we're in the group chat. I think my many years of friend friendship, I will openly say like I haven't been the best friend, which is why I think I'm so passionate about it now because, I fumbled the ball on so many people and shout out to those people if you listen to it Like.

Taura : 5:25

I fumbled the ball on so many people, so many good friends, that I had, like in college, I just didn't check on them or I wouldn't answer the phone, or like I just and it wasn't even one time like they would continuously contact me and I knew talking to them was important, but I couldn't get past what I was dealing with in life and I don't know. So I've been cut off rightfully so. And yes, I've had to cut people off. I've cut them off in unhealthy ways, but we're talking about healthy ways.

Taura : 5:58

Once, I you know, learned and matured. Most recently in the last two years, I had to cut off a friendship that was so oh my God, I think I'm getting emotional, so important to me and hopefully I do believe in redemption, I do believe in second chances.

Taura : 6:17

So you believe in spinning the block on a friendship. I do believe you can spin the black on a friendship because this person really was really important to you and it's like a relationship, like sometimes you have to break up with the person because they're not for you, right then. And there. And I would say that for this person, like she just wasn't for me for that time in my life and for that time in her life, but I do think with maturity, because we were always good around each other.

Tanzania: 6:43

Like.

Taura : 6:44

I saw her a few weeks ago, like we're always really good around each other. It was just bad. Like I would. It was just bad day, I don't know. Do you want me to talk about the?

Shavonia: 6:54

We want you to get it out of the group chat.

Taura : 6:56

Woo wee, how stretching me, come on stretch. I think what hurt me the most was like I don't mind being there for someone during their two of times, but I just noticed, like over the years, I think it would be difficult for her to be there for me. And I think the turning point for me, the cut-off part for me, was like I told her like several times and there was like a promise, like okay, I'm going to do this thing, and she just wouldn't do it. And then I think you got to the point where she didn't even recognize or like admit that she like you said this on October 1st that you will do this thing.

Taura : 7:38

It was like a defensive thing and I was like okay you're not doing what I need, you're not being what I need, and you're not even in a place like you're, like maturely, where you can admit that you're not doing what I need, which to me says you're not going to change. So I love you, I am going to pray for you in far, and we're just going to have to cut this friendship off right now.

Shavonia: 8:01

Maybe she'll get the healing she needs, you know.

Taura : 8:04

Yeah it really hurts my heart, because I really do love her and I think, I just think, cutting our friendships is hard.

Shavonia: 8:10

Maybe you'll spin the block on her. We'll see. So how do you think Jesus plays a part in like?

Tanzania: 8:15

friendship, or how do you think Jesus plays a part in like friendship, cutting people off or keeping people you?

Taura : 8:22

know, I think Jesus is a standard for everything. I think Jesus displayed a really good job of grace and mercy, which I think the world doesn't teach us, like how to have grace in friendships and how to admit when you're wrong.

Tanzania: 8:36

And like how to.

Taura : 8:38

I just think sometimes you're called to people who are bad, like thinking of Jesus and Judas.

Tanzania: 8:44

So do you think you could be called to bad someone who's a bad friend?

Taura : 8:47

I do, and maybe that is just my opinion, but biblically it's true. Please don't give me the half of the question. I do think, because here's the thing, bad people need people too, and I think it's like marriage. Like, sometimes my spouse isn't going to be the best form of themselves, so do I stop loving them because they're not the best part of themselves? Yeah, like, do I even start loving, stop loving them because they are, I guess, triggering my heart parts? No, like I choose to love them past their difficulty, past their sin, like. So I do think that Jesus set a standard for us to be graceful for the people that he placed in your life, like he trusts and he cares about them, like God loves the bad people.

Taura : 9:34

We're bad and someone loves us when we're not good so like why can't we do that for our friends?

Tanzania: 9:40

So how do you discern whether like red flags?

Shavonia: 9:44

let's talk about some of the red flags that we hear people you know share, but then also like.

Tanzania: 9:49

Jesus be calling people for you, calling you to be friends with the people who ain't the best of friends. So how does how does that work hand in hand? Pay attention to those red flags and then.

Taura : 9:58

Christ. I think you have to know, like what you can handle, like literally. I think you have to know how you were raised, like it's almost like for a relationship some women can take someone who's not like, faithful, cheating, wise. I can't you know what I'm saying. Some people can take a liar, I can't. Some people can take broke years. I can take that, like some women cannot take it, and so I think, I think you have to know what your standard is. But if we're talking about a general, like flat, like like you know you're asking how do I know when?

Taura : 10:33

when these are like red flags.

Tanzania: 10:35

How do I know when a person like give, give, give, give our audience, some like red flags, that yo, maybe this person isn't your friend or they're not just being a good friend to you?

Taura : 10:44

Well, okay, let me stop. This is because you know me.

Taura : 10:46

I think, about both sides. I think sometimes what we call red flags aren't red flags. Like, I think, transition when your friends give me when you got married, like our friendship wasn't the same that it was before you got married you were always in my house, like you will call me and how I feel about every decision you made, like I was your shoulder for everything, I no longer could be. That you got a man now Like so I think some people through transitions they're like oh, she not my friend. No, she got a man. She laid up every night. You should be happy for her, you know. Or she not my friend. She moves to this different city. No, she.

Tanzania: 11:26

She meet new people and that's okay. She can be on the phone with you for eight hours.

Taura : 11:29

She needs some people in our city. So I think people call those red flags and they aren't. I think what I said earlier is a red flag. You are telling someone hey, you are hurting me, and they are repeatedly not showing up in the way that you need them to, and I don't think there's like a one week thing or even a couple of months. Yeah, if you look up and for years this person is like still hurting you. You might need to can reconsider some things.

Tanzania: 11:58

So you would say that, even if you know because you know God, I hear calling you to people Is there like a sign where God be like okay now I think there's a moment you should pray for your friends, because I think there's something about prayer that gives us a constant fight, like it's hard to continuously pray for someone and still despise them or their actions.

Taura : 12:21

Like God, when you pray for someone, he starts to reveal like okay, maybe they aren't answering the phone because they have four kids that are seeking them, or maybe they aren't answering the phone because she's the depressed. And when you see her she's all glammed up, but she really crying every night Like God will reveal stuff like that to you. So I think prayer is key. God will also show you when people aren't for you by their actions and through your strength, god will give you strength.

Taura : 12:48

And you are repeatedly praying to God and you ain't getting no strength. You might need to say maybe this ain't my battle.

Tanzania: 12:59

So how do people get into situations where they are legitimately friends with people who like not the you know we were friends in high school, kind of thing. But how do you think people get into situations where they just are friends with people who just ain't they friends?

Taura : 13:13

I think patterns and I think sometimes we attract toxic things. So for me I have had before my amazing husband now. I had a really toxic like dating pattern. I wanted to save people and so I think sometimes it's Don't save them.

Shavonia: 13:37

They don't wanna be saved.

Taura : 13:38

Like, I think you have to know what you like to do. I love helping people. I love and I'm called to development. I love taking someone from zero to 100. And I love doing it in my dating life too. So I think, as a friend or as a person, you have to ask yourself what are your toxic traits?

Shavonia: 13:55

What are?

Taura : 13:55

you, I'm addicted to French fries, but I shouldn't be eating them every day. So I think you have to know yourself enough to know what you have a tendency to touch. That isn't good. That's good.

Tanzania: 14:08

You're preaching to the folks there. You're really helping some people out in their friendships, yeah cause.

Shavonia: 14:12

Definitely, what you said is the toxic part. I feel like and I don't necessarily like my group now it's toxic, but like coming out of that like Wait, you need to be specific about the group, because we are the group she's not talking about us. She's not talking about us. Let's make this very clear. You know could you have multiple group chats.

Taura : 14:34

Yes, I think it's helping. That's the whole point. That's great, right, we're going to drink my body. Let's be clear she is not talking about the group chat.

Tanzania: 14:42

I'm a part of Now all the other ones, number fourth yeah, you would like a group chat seat.

Shavonia: 14:47

Right. So just coming out of that and realizing like maybe why did I want to really be friends with them, or you know, why did I kind of cut that friendship off? But yeah, hearing that, I don't think it was a toxic.

Tanzania: 15:06

What did you know? Determining Like why did you, why did you want to be friends with them initially?

Shavonia: 15:10

Because you're all left.

Taura : 15:11

Yeah, that's so dumb. We moved and we transition.

Tanzania: 15:15

Y'all and there's something wrong with that because the truth is you still needed to like rebuild friends where?

Shavonia: 15:21

you weren't when your friends left, so that's healthy.

Tanzania: 15:23

That's a good thing, of course. So, does it make them like second best or like?

Shavonia: 15:27

you know what I'm saying. Like, what do they?

Tanzania: 15:28

call it when you're the.

Shavonia: 15:31

You know like you know like, yeah, they were, or do you feel like they were? You know how?

Tanzania: 15:35

friends. You think they were legitimate.

Shavonia: 15:37

No, no, no, no, they weren't rebuilt, Okay so they weren't rebuilt In my season, it did help. A situation happened, so it just made it weird. Yeah, no, no, no, no. If it was just God like. I think it was God, to be honest, I'm not going to lie like cause it was like I need to leave anyways kind of situation. Yeah, and I love staying there cause it was just comfortable.

Tanzania: 16:00

Yeah, because the people don't know your story. I know it.

Shavonia: 16:03

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it made it comfortable for me being in that city and so I think he made it a little harder for me towards the end with the friendship in a sense, and so, yeah, I think I don't know.

Tanzania: 16:17

if that's so, would you spend a block on that, on that friend group?

Shavonia: 16:22

Um, not saying I wouldn't it's, I think I'm in a different and, to be honest, I think not saying I didn't fit in with the group, but they were all married. But it's weird because I'm here too.

Tanzania: 16:39

I feel like so I guess, I guess I care. Well, your current group is getting married by the year, so yeah, so I don't know.

Shavonia: 16:47

I don't know it. Just I think it was just a little different. Like I not saying I didn't fit in, I would just more. You know we talked about um joking more and so you feel? Like you had a more playful personality. Right and they had.

Tanzania: 17:02

And they really did so. They weren't playful, not playful in the way you are, and so. But why do you think that would affect the relationship? Um, why would your playfulness affect your relationship with them?

Shavonia: 17:17

I think some, when you're messing with serious people, I feel like what if they don't want to joke around, cause we're all? We're all on that 30.

Tanzania: 17:24

So I mean what if they're like ah, that's the child, or stuff.

Shavonia: 17:28

Yeah, yeah.

Tanzania: 17:30

She's one of the guys, so you feel like you, you weren't serious enough to them. So the? Are you quitting seriousness to maturity or the playfulness to a lack of maturity? Yeah, so you feel like okay, yeah, they're view of you Right. So how do you think they I'm trying?

Shavonia: 17:46

to understand, even though I know the situation I'm trying to understand.

Tanzania: 17:49

So do you feel like they were viewing you through a lens of like she's immature, so we're not going to vibe with her like that, or vibe with her in certain situations. Correct, because this requires maturity, right, exactly.

Shavonia: 18:00

Okay, so do you feel like you were being immature which I don't think I was being immature whatsoever with that whole situation? Yeah, yeah, I just yeah, I don't yeah she didn't say nothing.

Tanzania: 18:14

I hope you all saw that too.

Shavonia: 18:15

No, no, no, it's just Let her move on yeah.

Tanzania: 18:17

Okay, I guess I was just trying to understand what made you think it was your lack of seriousness that caused the friction. Now, of course, the situation caused the friction Right, like why do you think they didn't view you a certain way to be able to handle it, or do you think they did?

Shavonia: 18:33

Or I don't, and it probably wasn't my season. Maybe it's just, you know, I don't. I don't do certain things. Like I don't, I don't gossip, I don't. You know, I don't. I'm not saying that's them, but I'm just saying like I don't do all the like the girly little clicky stuff, like I'm not that person, like, yeah, so it's like my person. You can't beat me. No, no, my personality is not the whole. Let's chit chat about all of this. So it's like that's, that's not me. I'm not about to be just talking to her.

Tanzania: 19:05

Guess what girl Not happening.

Taura : 19:07

I'm not, I'm not that person you know what I mean. But I'm not blaming, because they always talk about that on Facebook. They be like when you got gossip. You be like like guess what? Or are you around somebody girl?

Shavonia: 19:20

Right, right. So I'm not that person, so I just the producer going to get a chance to spring up but um, but yeah, so I'm not that person, so I think that's where, and maybe that I equate that to maturity, because I'm not that, but I feel like, as women, I don't think that should be our.

Taura : 19:47

Yeah, but I feel like we all need a shay, right, because sometimes you know like those moments of girl guess what. But we I feel like it takes maturity to know you need someone they can be like. I'm not gonna do that.

Tanzania: 20:04

We can laugh about the the movie.

Taura : 20:07

We can laugh about so many things, but we're not gonna do. It's laughable as the ones it'll demise yeah.

Tanzania: 20:12

Yeah, yeah.

Shavonia: 20:13

So that's yeah okay.

Tanzania: 20:15

So you're saying you might spend the block, but it would yeah.

Shavonia: 20:19

I might spend the block on like a what up.

Tanzania: 20:22

We still like I still love the people, like you know. So you say you spend like hey, what I'm asking, would you spend a lot in friendship?

Shavonia: 20:33

It wasn't To me, it wasn't detrimental, you putting shay on the hot seat, are you?

Tanzania: 20:40

I think I'll spend the block on anybody who's spin the block on me but we don't, they don't know, I spin in the block for Not to help, not to see so I think, was it. Effort as far as like. So it don't take much to please me, and the reason why is no. I am a part of a Part of a freind group already, so a lot of my basic needs in friendship. I can go to taura for this.

Tanzania: 21:17

So if somebody wants to, spin a block on me just Effort so you want, you want to hang out. Yeah, I rarely tell anybody, ever no I'm not hanging out with you. So to me, Child please invite me over? Oh no, to eat a penini, Ah yeah.

Shavonia: 21:33

And I'm gonna put their penini.

Taura : 21:35

We should just really have lunch tomorrow.

Shavonia: 21:37

Okay, so, Okay. So our next Part is our friend story.

Tanzania: 21:55

All right, so let's get into this friendship story. So this person said. I recently got a message from an old school friend Apologizing for the bullying I received from them in the rest of my circle.

Shavonia: 22:06

I didn't realize.

Tanzania: 22:08

I was being bullied 20 years later and I only now find out that the people I thought I was closest to at school didn't actually like me Speak, so she got an apology Saying they were bullying me yeah, 20 years later.

Taura : 22:28

You know I'm weird. I don't know why you all bought me on this. I think I forgot that type of apology. I would be like dang, I didn't know I was bullying me, but I would be like Because I would see this God's protection but you get bullied by your whole. Friendship group. 20 years later, you still don't know what happened, but do.

Shavonia: 22:49

I bring it to me.

Tanzania: 22:50

Well, no, it was. It was for the person. That's what I was soon. The only reason why I would apologize about two years now, it's not to clear my own conscious. Yeah, I get that, but like but they still go me a letter and it burnt it and that's getting off the chest.

Taura : 23:05

It is Indie babe, because she didn't. She was like wait a minute, y'all bullie me late.

Tanzania: 23:15

I mean, I recently got a message from an old school friend.

Taura : 23:17

Oh, it was a old.

Tanzania: 23:20

They're not old.

Shavonia: 23:23

Somebody was bullying.

Tanzania: 23:30

You were. Okay so y'all was like real innocent nice.

Taura : 23:58

I wouldn't say that they were, I mean I had friends who were like. Like black people, bully each other every day.

Tanzania: 24:14

We joke too much.

Taura : 24:26

I'll go see me with a six in five years. I didn't. I'm sorry for bullying you during that podcast.

Shavonia: 24:40

Oh.

Tanzania: 24:43

She did when she was hurt. She was a bully. She was a real bully in school.

Shavonia: 24:47

I really wasn't then you put a girl to trash can. I really I can't regulate. She said, she said that girl has.

Tanzania: 24:58

That's the type of way about her cuz.

Shavonia: 24:59

His boy likes shay and the girl was upset that she didn't she was talking for her head in the trash, can't your old body didn't go in there?

Tanzania: 25:08

So how we sitting in the apology about?

Shavonia: 25:11

you should find her.

Tanzania: 25:14

You should find her and apologize for doing that. Something had happened, you know did? She hit you oh so they picked up her physical body and put in a trash.

Shavonia: 25:23

No, which is her head? All right, so we're gonna cut this episode now. Thank you for watching get out. I think please like and subscribe and we love you guys and thank you Taura for being on. Thanks y'all cut in love.

Tanzania: 25:43

See you guys next time.