Divorce in the Group Chat

Have you ever found yourself on the tightrope of friendship when a couple within your circle parts ways? In our latest heart-to-heart, we dive into the rocky terrain friends navigate through the earthquakes of breakups and divorces, sharing our own stories and the steps we've taken to maintain connections or make the tough choice of cutting ties with a friend's ex. This conversation delves into the delicate balance of bonds with friends' partners, the sticky situations of event invites, the power of transparent dialogue, and the essential self-care needed while navigating fractured friendships.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

One, two, three, four. Get your friends about the group chat. Group chat, group chat when your past was in the air. Air, air. I'm always off the devil he don't like it.

Speaker 2: 0:14

Stump that devil. Stump that devil.

Speaker 1: 0:18

Oh well, oh well, oh well, oh that well, no, hold it. Well. No, all right guys, welcome back to Get Out the Group Chat. I am Tanzania Black, I am Shavonna Marie and we're excited to have you here today. If you did not know, we're about friendship y'all, because we believe that growth happens best in community. That's what we've learned, you know, through our many years of being in church, and we want you guys to be in community as well. But you know, what we've learned is sometimes, sometimes the community get a little shaking, a little shaking and it's sometimes a shaking. You know that's just audio control your prayers. They just didn't reach these ones right. So we're talking about divorce and the group chat and not just divorce but break up as well. Yeah, so we've had some experiences we have with both you know, divorce and people just breaking up with their you know boyfriends or girlfriends at the time that we don't get connected with.

Speaker 2: 1:16

yeah, that's like the worst though it is, because it's like dang, you lose somebody almost Right Like.

Speaker 1: 1:22

I got a grief. I'm not going to agree. But you know, what sucks even more is when your friend is the reason why your friend is the reason why Now you got to disconnect with this person because technically you have this loyalty to this friend. And now I got to break things off with your boyfriend because you just weren't a good girlfriend.

Speaker 2: 1:43

That's, that's actually good, let's talk about it. So I've never had that per se because you just weren't a good girlfriend. That's, that's actually good, let's talk about it. So I've never had that per se. Like you were really cool with the guy and I mean, yeah, I never really had that per se. I know what you speak of. Um, he was a cool individual, but I don't think I had like that much of a you know whatever.

Speaker 1: 2:00

But you know just me in general, I'm not, I'm not like that, but um, it was kind of sad losing because he was we're talking about a specific friend and she had a boyfriend, yeah, and the guy she was dating like he was super cool, super nice, like just a great person to be around, just a great vibe and everything and honestly, like she used to, just she just didn't do him too well and I remember telling him like, like girl, you need to break up with him. Like I know I was telling him right, you need to break up with her, and I told her that I told him to break up with her right, because she just wasn't good, like she just I think she was just young, and just was she young.

Speaker 2: 2:40

Yeah, okay, so I just I give her youngness. I blame that on the young. She wasn't treating them right and I don't think she knew at that time too how to pretty much because how to be in a relationship right, because looking at her now, I mean I see a difference. So really, ah, you don't. Oh dang, she's grown.

Speaker 1: 2:57

I've seen the girl so, at least because I couldn't stay like it. Mind you, it wasn't like we were going out hanging out outside of her, but like you get accustomed to, you know hanging out and a person being there, and now they break up. And now you gotta figure out oh like, oh, maybe I'll see you at Walmart. Hi, buddy, how's your life been like? We used to be cool and I used to care for you. And now, because y'all made a decision, not to be together.

Speaker 2: 3:22

now I gotta be all like awkward, hey friend, we not to be together Now I got to be all like awkward.

Speaker 1: 3:25

Yeah, it's awkward, hey friend. We used to be once a time ago and you know, things happen for a reason. Everybody isn't meant to be together, but it makes you like hesitant when your friends do continue to date and start bringing people in. It's just like, let me just let me hold my horses, because I can get really excited about this person in three months.

Speaker 2: 3:43

Is that why you're not saving somebody's number? Because you don't? What you're not going to do is use against me what I just said. So is that why? Because you don't want your feelings hurt again To me.

Speaker 1: 3:55

Saving a person's number in your phone really makes that person more permanent. Okay, and I don't want to permanent somebody that I'm not fully confident y'all permanent about, and when I feel the permanence in my soul, I will then save that person's name in my phone.

Speaker 2: 4:14

I think. I think it's either, or for me, like I don't, I think, because I think I could just unattach to kind of quick. I'm not an unattacher, yeah.

Speaker 1: 4:24

I know you're not, I'm not an attacher?

Speaker 2: 4:24

Yeah, I can. I think I can just unattach too, kind of quick Dang. I'm not an unattacher. Yeah, I know you're not, I'm not an unattacher, yeah, I can. I think I can unattach and like, even speaking of that friend, like I would see the other, you know the guy, and I'd be like, oh hey, and we'll speak. How did you see he spoke to?

Speaker 1: 4:36

you yeah, did he ask?

Speaker 2: 4:38

about. You know what I'm trying to think of. He probably did. He probably did because I was cool with it.

Speaker 1: 4:44

We was cool with each other. To this friend because you know who you are if you hear this story how you doing, How's the dog.

Speaker 2: 4:50

Write in the comments How's your family? You were great. You went to his family house. We done been there. Hey, that's what I'm saying, see, because we always get cool with people official.

Speaker 1: 5:01

And then now you gotta untie because our loyalty is to this friend, okay, so do we wait till it's official now? What's official? Do you mean like boyfriend, girlfriend, or like fiance or marriage?

Speaker 2: 5:11

um, I would go fiance ish because it's like, but then it seems like you're being rude if you don't be. He, he, ha, ha and and cool with the people I know, I don't know the balance, I'm not.

Speaker 1: 5:22

I'm either full throttle or not. Yeah, that that's. That's me, I'm going to go all in, so maybe the phone thing is my only way of preserving, it's the only way of protecting. Okay, so I don't make you official, okay, so that's where you're protecting your. Protecting myself and I'm going to be with somebody and then that good time don't continue for the rest of my life.

Speaker 2: 5:43

Gotcha that makes sense then, yeah so how do you deal now, like with, say, divorce or breakup happen, right, and say you had an event or a wedding or something like that, right, and that person was technically already invited? How would you really navigate that part? Like what do you tell the person, hey, you can't come now because y'all done broke up. Or do you have a conversation with said person, like how do you think? I think?

Speaker 1: 6:15

I think that okay. So I think you have to have an honest conversation with both people say, hey, these are the circumstances, this is where we are. What would you like to do with this? Do you feel comfortable coming, do you not? I think it depends on this. I really depends on the situation. Okay, honestly. So like, if am I, am I equally as close to both, or is my allyship really truly with this one friend and I also just enjoy their significant other.

Speaker 1: 6:46

So I would probably give my friend say so like yo, I would like me and Oliver are getting remarried again next year. I would really like. Like Oliver enjoyed him. Yeah, he would like for him to be there. What are your thoughts on?

Speaker 2: 6:53

this. So I think, open communication to talk about how comfortable they feel so if I say no, and Oliver really loved this gentleman and I said no?

Speaker 1: 7:03

what would you do then? So I'm married, so it ain't just the me thing right, it's a we thing okay. So I think we would have to go to the drawing board and we would have to come up with we would have to come up with a compromise.

Speaker 1: 7:15

Okay, we would have to come up with a compromise so we don't sit you at the same table. Maybe we, like you know I'm saying we'd have to come up with something because it ain't just making me or you happy. This may have became another reason why you know you got to be careful when you do bring new people around, because now my spouse has a whole relationship with him and just because y'all ended, it don't mean their relationship ended exactly.

Speaker 2: 7:35

And that's where it gets tricky, I feel like in the group chat yeah, because how do you? Navigate all of that. Like you know, we we had, you know, a couple of situations in our group chats. You know what I mean, uh, with breakups, divorces, just different things like that, and it's like I'm very cool with this person and I'm very cool with this person. It's like, dag, how do you balance?

Speaker 1: 7:57

like, hey, I want to invite you to this event, I want to invite everybody, I want us to be one happy, but now you gotta be like huh, I don't want to be the person to create a weird space for people like you want people to be comfortable when they come around you and so now you gotta like, yeah, it feels like honestly, like you're picking and choosing, like okay, well, I know her longer or she's a girl and he's a boy, so I'm just gonna go with the girl, right, and it's unfair, yeah honestly, I would love to like we should have brought somebody on here who was divorced, but like I really would have loved to hear their perspective, like how they feel like we treat them yeah, no, for real, because I feel like some people could think like, hey, you know, I think in the midst of certain when it I think breakups and situations happen, I think, just in general, we probably navigate to one person over the other.

Speaker 1: 8:45

Like you said, boy, girl no, but I can even think about me like, get it being like going through a breakup, yeah, and like part of me is selfish, as this is, but I'd be like I'm gonna need you to choose me, choose me, choose me Like I need you to choose me and I know that you're friends with him, but he did me wrong, so I need you to choose me and not talk to them like you. That's what you feel. I don't know if I've ever said that I hope not, but I've definitely felt like I need you to choose me. I want you to be on my side, I want you to be there for me, and it almost feels like when they're like still loving that other person, they're still supportive, they're still like regular with them.

Speaker 1: 9:19

Yeah, like like a slap to you, but it's just like you learn with time. Like people have they, they don't, they don't. They can be both. They can be both and they can be friends with both of you. He could have been wrong. You could have been wrong, and I can still love you individually and that's how I do it.

Speaker 2: 9:33

I think I choose like to be neutral in all situations, like whatever it is. Hey, I'm still going to talk to you, I'm still going to text this individual, I don't know. I just I feel like it's much easier. Yeah, um, less stress on my behalf. I mean not say I don't care about your feelings in a sense, yeah, but it's almost like I care about me too.

Speaker 1: 9:55

She's like I gotta choose, I gotta choose me sometimes um, but yeah, that's where do you think it's possible to truly be in the middle, like be neutral and one of the sides, not think that you're actually choosing or thinking like you're not giving them what they need or desire, right well, um, I'm not sure because I you know, I don't know the other perspective, how they feel like how I treated them in the midst of it.

Speaker 1: 10:23

Um, I think I may have did okay I think, it could be wishy-washy yeah, because sometimes your response, even in your neutrality, could look like a pledge to one side. Yeah, because before it happened you may have had a closer proximity to one side so it could look like, oh, I'm choosing this person over you, but it's just like we're really kind of going about our regular lives and I already have a closer proximity to it, so it looks like I am one sided, when really my heart of hearts is this y'all business, yeah.

Speaker 1: 10:57

I'm really choosing to be neutral, yeah, and letting people live their lives out. I'm just going to keep being regular, yeah, because I got to keep you know going on about my business as life goes on and that's how I feel, like I think just, I stay neutral. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 11:11

I stay out your way, I stay out the business. I don't really care who fought, what happened to me. I really don't think that it don't matter to me. I think I just don't care that much to go that deep into it.

Speaker 1: 11:26

And plus you know I don't like deep into it and plus you know I don't like, unless somebody like brings it up to you. If somebody brings it up to you and like yo yeah like if I was to say to you yo like me and such and such broke up. Yeah, like I feel like you're more on their side than you are on mine. Oh, yeah, then I will.

Speaker 2: 11:41

Yeah, I will adjust, yeah, I'll adjust, and like, if I need to, hey, reach out to you more now. Okay, let me reach out more to you.

Speaker 1: 11:48

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 11:48

Yeah, so I'll, I'll, I'll definitely adjust, it's just, I just stay neutral.

Speaker 1: 11:53

Again, open communication. So give, give the people one tip If they're having to deal with a friend who is going through a breakup, or somebody in their friend group or their friend is getting divorced, what's something you would advise them to do to kind of make it more smoother for them, right For them, as in me, me, the person because the people going through divorce and breakup.

Speaker 1: 12:10

I'm going to go through what they got to go through, but sometimes we get into the crossfire and be feeling the emotions of somebody else's situation, so what tips would you give to them?

Speaker 2: 12:18

I would say, mainly, just make sure you're not getting too much involved. I would say because, once again, technically, yes, they are friends and yes, we care about them. Um, but I wouldn't get too much invested, because then you start picking sides once you're invested, once you hear, oh, he did this, oh, she did this, or he ain't do you know. I mean that's too much. I don't really care about no information, knowing anything about anything. As long as you're healthy, you're alive, I just check on the mental. That's really with any anybody. I feel like that. I've witnessed their divorce or witnessed the breakup. I care about you at the end of the day. Are you healthy, are you sound, are you able to step outside the next day, you can feel like, like that's what I'm caring about. So care about the person, the people that's involved. Don't pretty much like try to be all nosy and getting all the information, but just care about the person at the end of the day and then they'll know that you're real and true and all that you know.

Speaker 1: 13:22

Yeah, that's good. And I guess I would say to the person who was going through the breakup or going through the divorce practice communicating what you need. So if all you need is a checkup, if you just simply, you know, need a phone call or whatever it is that you need during that time, yeah, just communicate that so people have the opportunity to meet the need that you have. Don't keep it silent and have expectations and assume anything is common sense.

Speaker 2: 13:47

Don't assume that people are supposed to know because we don't know, like we never been through this before, we all just get into adult stage.

Speaker 1: 13:53

Like we don't know how to do, ain't never been through this before. We all just get into adult stage, like we don't know how to do it. No manual, no, nothing. So communicate exactly what you desire, communicate what you need, so that you know I could be successful in your, in your experience.

Speaker 2: 14:06

You know what I'm saying? That makes sense. That makes sense, yeah.

Speaker 1: 14:08

All right. So now we're about to get into our friendship stories, where we just share a story about somebody's, what someone has experienced with their friends, and then you let us know if we need to get out of the group chat or if they need to stay into the group chat. Ok, all right. All right, so I noticed that if I make plans with my friends to hang out and I don't check in with my friend to make sure we are still hanging out before we go, they do not text me anything to check in and plans do not happen. Like, for example, one time I made plans with my friend to play video games once he got out of his shift. Once the shift was over, I never got a text from him saying anything. But I know if I would have text him something like, hey, are you still down to play? He most likely would have said, yeah, is this normal for other people to do or not?

Speaker 2: 14:52

Probably not. I wouldn't throw it, this friendship away. Nah, I would have a conversation, because it doesn't sound like you probably had a conversation with them. But I'll have a conversation of like hey, I'm the only one initiating this and it's like we're going to have to do better. But now this is the thing. You ain't never. You ain't never had no conversation with me. You ain't never had no conversation with me. You never had no conversation with me, ma'am. But I'm not that person though. Like, I'm probably just like them friends, like baby, if it don't happen, it ain't happening. But if you are like for real, like if it's a date thing for real, like if you friend pose to me, if you friend pose and sit my little Google, which I'll be saying y'all, little Google invite, which I'll be saying y'all little Google calendar invite.

Speaker 2: 15:37

So if you did that, I probably you know I'll make, I'll make more time I think and be intentional with that, I think.

Speaker 1: 15:45

So to me it seems like this friend feels like they're the only one that's always reaching out, always having to confirm and all these things. So what I'm assuming they're probably feeling is that, truly, these people aren't interested in being friends with them.

Speaker 2: 15:58

We have lives, we have lives, and then that's not our character and that's probably not like you know what I mean, but I get it If you're saying you want to be more attention. So think about it from this standpoint.

Speaker 1: 16:08

God is always inviting us into his presence to be with us, to sit with us, to just pour our love on us Correct and we never initiate with him. To sit with him to rest with him.

Speaker 2: 16:20

So we'll do that with God. What you think I'm going to do with you, correct?

Speaker 1: 16:24

But what I'm saying is personality or not, life or not people. When you don't ever show any type of initiative and spending time with some or with someone or giving them your energy, yeah, that is natural for them to feel like you're not interested in the friendship. I get it, life happens. But at what point do you finally say something like because clearly he's having this problem in general?

Speaker 2: 16:53

do you want to hang out? Do you want to hang out?

Speaker 1: 16:56

don't don't try to gaslight me on this podcast, shavonna lewis.

Speaker 2: 17:01

I am not that person, I'm sorry. I've never been, so I can work. Because you're not doesn't mean you shouldn't grow into it, you're right now I don't necessarily feel that way about you.

Speaker 1: 17:11

I'm just saying in general, I think a little bit under that hearty heart, you know, but I'm just saying as the initiator, and a lot. Now let's be clear, a lot of my friends have gotten much, much better since I've been vocal. But I think if your friends aren't being vocal about it and you notice that they're always initiating with you, I think for those who are out there watching, like consider how that person on the other side may be feeling that you're never initiating anything, you ain't never saying can I come over, can I hang out, can we do this? And they're always the one that's like having to do all of the work, like you just not get it so far you're going to put some effort into the friendship.

Speaker 2: 17:46

So for all of us non-intentional people, whatever, um, your cameras right here, ma'am.

Speaker 1: 17:52

Oh, say it to them.

Speaker 2: 17:53

They right there, look them in the eyes, hey camera, hey, so so yeah, we do need to do better. I'm talking about myself. So we need to do better, and you know um intentionalize in these relationships not intentionalize. But no, we do have to do better in um just making sure we're setting up times and dates to hang out with people and not letting the other friend do all the work we need to. You know, stop being lazy, I guess, and do some work.

Speaker 1: 18:20

So yeah, yeah, that's good. Well, thank you, we accept the apology. Yes, we apologize I felt like that was an apology and we receive it. So, sir, communicate with your friend and after the communication, you should be able to determine if this is the type of friendship that you want or not. Yeah, OK, Awesome. Well, thank you guys for joining us for this episode of Divorce in the Group Chat. Thank you for listening. We're excited. Make sure you go ahead and like comment.

Speaker 2: 18:43

Subscribe no-transcript that.

Speaker 1: 19:04

So yeah, make sure you subscribe and don't forget that you can shout your bestie out. So all you got to do is dm us on social media comments, email us, whatever. Let us know the friend that you want to shout out and we are gonna shout them out on our social media. So let us know and that is all and we'll see you guys next time love y'all.

Speaker 2: 19:26

Peace. Get out the group chat.