Are You a People Pleaser? How Keisha Bowers Overcame Fear and Trauma to Transform Lives

What if the fears that hold us back are merely illusions rooted in past trauma? This week, we had the pleasure of speaking with Keachia Bowers, a remarkable social worker and founder of the Advancement of Youth in Africa Foundation. Keachia opens up about her profound journey from suffering to empowerment. Discover how she overcame her fears of rejection, failure, and making mistakes, all while illustrating the significance of altering our mindset to spark true transformation.

As we navigate through this conversation, we explore the complexities of codependency, the need to be needed, and the importance of setting boundaries. Insights from experts like Dr. Gabor Mate help us understand the impact of childhood wounds on adult behavior and the path toward self-realization. Keachia’s story sheds light on the detrimental effects of chronic people-pleasing and how embracing self-love and authenticity can lead to profound personal and communal change.

Parenting while healing from our own wounds is another topic we touch on, highlighting the importance of acknowledging mistakes and fostering joy within the family. Through heartfelt reflections and actionable advice, Keachia and I emphasize the intrinsic value of each individual, encouraging listeners to embrace their strength and continue their journey toward emotional wellness. Don't miss this enriching episode, filled with deep reflections and insights that could transform your life.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

You have to navigate yourself without fear, because it's all an illusion. There's no reason to be afraid.

Speaker 2: 0:06

Keisha Bowers, a distinguished social worker with both bachelor and master degree in social work and a minor in Spanish. Keisha is the founder of the Advancement of Youth in Africa Foundation, an NGO based in Ghana which has adopted an orphanage and school in Abri. I was afraid of rejection.

Speaker 1: 0:24

I was afraid, Ibri. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid of failure. I was afraid of getting it wrong when I realized that it was fear that was holding me back and it was fear that was induced. That's what you need to create something.

Speaker 2: 0:37

Number one business and self-development podcast Connected.

Speaker 1: 0:42

Minds podcast. Minds Podcast Connected Minds Podcast.

Speaker 2: 0:45

You had a vision that you want to bring emotional wellness to this world. What's the backstory?

Speaker 1: 0:53

Oh, thanks for having me here. Okay, the backstory. The backstory is that I had come to terms with my own suffering. I mean, you can experience pain and not suffering, but I was experiencing a lot of suffering in my pain because I did not accept much of what had happened to me. And I believe that through connecting to my own suffering, I became tapped and tuned into other people's suffering and pain. And I actually had a vision in 2014, when I came to total understanding of what happened to me and what I had was recovering. And in the vision, I was like walking away and there was an explosion behind me. This is like a real, because, you know, I have dreams, and this voice that I believe was the voice of God came to me and said you can't walk away without saving some of the people who are burning.

Speaker 1: 1:59

And I woke up and I watched this movie. I woke up from the vision and I watched this movie A New Earth with Will Smith and his son and I don't know if you're familiar with the movie. Well, you should watch it and there was a monologue scene in the movie where there was a monster. Will Smith wasn't with his son and the son was afraid of this monster. But the son had like an earpiece and Will Smith was able to speak into the earpiece and he said the monster cannot see you. The monster was blind, he said, but he can smell your fear. So you have to navigate yourself without fear, because it's all an illusion. He doesn't know where you are, he cannot see you. There's no reason to be afraid. And when he realized that it was fear that was holding him back, that's when he conquered the monster and I woke up.

Speaker 1: 2:54

I saw the movie and I just went online and I registered my business because I realized that because of what happened to me and we'll get into that that because of what happened to me and we'll get into that I was afraid. I was afraid of rejection, I was afraid of failure, I was afraid of getting it wrong, because what I was taught that failure meant. I realized that, I internalized that, that it meant that I was a bad person, that you can't make a mistake or you can't fall apart or you can't get it wrong. But that's what you need to create something, because that's how you learn something new is you stumble and you fall and you say, oh my God, right. And so when I realized that it was fear that was holding me back, and it was fear that was induced by my own trauma and my own suffering and what I believed to be true, the false narratives.

Speaker 1: 3:56

I went online and I said I'm going to call this movements for change. I said we, the only thing that brings forth change, true transformation, is movement, movement of the mind, because everything starts with the thought. That then changes how you feel and then it changes how you act. Everything starts, everything is thought, it happens twice in the mind and then in real life, and that's how that was the back story.

Speaker 2: 4:34

Now you know, while you were speaking, you kept saying what you've been through, what you've been through, what you've been through, what is that thing that you went through that started making you think about change?

Speaker 1: 4:49

oh okay. So, um, I think I'm going to start from the awakening and then go back. So I I, I read a book in 2014 and it was called Anxious to Please Habits of the Chronically Nice, and I was at this stage in my life where I could not maintain healthy friendships. I was not really happy that I showed up in a way that I was constantly driven by making other people feel good while I didn't, and I didn't understand why. I'm like I have this master's degree in social work, I'm out here trying to help people, I'm working in schools, I'm trying to be the best human that I could be, and I was like but nothing feels good and I'm never happy and I'm constantly like suppressing myself to make other people happy. I felt like an emotional prostitute, like I felt like an emotional whore, that I thought that my responsibility was to make other people happy and that if I couldn't do it, that I was a bad person and I didn't understand why. And then I went into Barnes and Nobles and this book fell actually on my foot and I picked it up and I was like anxious to please, and I went home and I read that book and that's literally what I was suffering from I. I was a chronic people pleaser who had no identity of my own. My entire identity was driven by how I made other people feel and I didn't know why, and that book helped me to dive into trauma.

Speaker 1: 6:30

Now, when we talk about trauma, a lot of times we think trauma means that you know you saw someone get shot or you saw someone get beat up or you know there was violence. But the core of trauma is grief, sadness, and if you can recall all the times in your life that you experienced grief and loss and I'm not talking about someone dying, I'm talking about if you were hit, if you were beat, if you were called names, if your emotions were not validated, if you were told, if you were called names, if your emotions were not validated, if you were told to sit down, if you were constantly driven by shame, you should be ashamed of yourself. Why would you do that? Those are all the subconscious, subliminal messages that drive emotional trauma in someone and leave them feeling empty.

Speaker 1: 7:24

And what we do to recover from that empty feeling is what I call attachment. Some people call it addiction. So we attach ourselves to things to save ourselves. I was attached to other people, I was attached to observing people's moods and body language and trying to figure out, because I grew up in an environment where people were explosive. I had a single mother who had to work two, three jobs and I didn't know what made her mad. So I had to. My survival skills were to be observant of her mood and that was traumatic.

Speaker 2: 8:07

That's a hard thing to do.

Speaker 1: 8:08

That was a hard thing to do. No child should have to do that. Tie in other factors Single motherhood, alcoholism, you know, trying to survive in a society that doesn't have space. My mother was an immigrant woman from Jamaica With my father in another state where I was back and forth visiting and being this daddy's girl that was constantly trying to please my father and then turn around. I knew that if I did the right thing and made the right grades and was the perfect child, that my mother would be happy because it was one less thing for her to worry about. But even in my pursuit to be in the perfect, perfect child, I wasn't perfect.

Speaker 1: 8:57

The criticism and the ridicule and why are you? You know there's this word in in Jamaica that we use. I don't know if there's a word for it in Ghana, but when someone is not good with their hands and they might seem like they don't understand what they're doing, they like to say bath handed, ok. So I didn't know that bath hand had a root, that it actually was a British terminology OK, bath handed means that you're like handicapped in your hand, and that's what my mother would tell me that I was bath handed. So I had a limiting belief about myself that I didn't know how to do things with my hand. The belief limited me so much that anytime I went to school and had to do anything that to do with my hand, I made sure I put myself to the back seat but then when did you realize that it's time for you to make a change?

Speaker 1: 9:48

2014, when that book fell on my foot and I read it in one night and I I knew in that moment that I could not continue living my life like that.

Speaker 2: 10:01

But so what started happening? You know what are some of the things that started happening.

Speaker 1: 10:04

So, oh, my gosh, a lot of what started happening. You know what are some of the things that started happening. So, oh my gosh, a lot of things started happening. First of all, I went to get help. I actually joined a recovery program because I realized that I was a recovering codependent. I was someone who needed to be needed and I attracted people in my life who needed help and I felt good when they needed me. But in needing me I was losing myself.

Speaker 1: 10:33

It is not nice to do to help others and complain about it. There's nothing nice about that. That is a sure sign of a dysfunction in someone. So those there are somebody who's watching this and they may have that habit. That is a sure sign of a dysfunction in someone. So there's somebody who's watching this and they may have that habit. They need to check in with themselves. What is driving your kindness? Quote unquote, because it's not nice and that's how I was functioning.

Speaker 1: 11:02

So I read the book and I had this awakening and I um, what started happening was I started to observe myself. I started to say no and I watched people get mad when I said no. I started to set boundaries. The relationship with my mother changed the anxiety that I used to go through when my mom called me and I couldn't answer her and I was legitimately like at work, busy doing something and I knew she was going to be mad that I did not answer her call the anxiety that I went through in my body that started to not feel good anymore. There was no capacity for my personal development. And there's a doctor named Gabor Mate. I listened to him and I advise everyone to listen to his work and he says self-suppression is self-annihilation. It is an annihilation, physiological annihilation. It is a slow death. When we suppress ourselves and we suppress our emotions, we we are slowly killing ourselves.

Speaker 2: 12:07

You know people go through this every day. It's happening right now, as we speak.

Speaker 2: 12:14

It's happening right now, but it's difficult for majority of people to come out of it. In fact, as you speak, I was just thinking through the times that I've had to say no to someone and the person got so angry that I've said no to them, and how that made me feel. How did it make you feel? I want to know. You feel bad. You feel like you've always been there for that person and for the first time you say no to them they're angry.

Speaker 1: 12:41

You know why they're mad, though Because you've never said no, and we teach people how to treat us. So, in your constant yes, you are teaching that person that you're not important, that they're more important than you. So how dare you not make them more important than you again? And the emotion. We have to learn to speak of our emotions from a truthful place. It is more than I feel bad. I feel guilty. I feel shame. Guilt is I did something wrong. Shame is I am wrong. We need to call it what it is, and that's what I teach in my work In Movements for Change.

Speaker 1: 13:20

One of the first steps when someone comes to work with me to move them into change is I teach them how to get out of denial. What are you really feeling? You know, someone says to me I had this person in my life and I I thought we were close and I'm always there for them and I'm always doing things. And they had a party and they didn't invite me. And I say and how did you feel? They don't tell me how they feel. Well, I felt that wasn't right. That's not an emotion, that's a thought. How did you feel? Who taught us to disregard our feelings? Where did we learn to shove our feelings to the side and pretend to use anger as a cover-up?

Speaker 2: 14:06

because sometimes it's easier to explain it. Like that I get it. Sometimes the emotions can be very difficult to explain but that's a conditioning.

Speaker 1: 14:17

That's not true. That's how you were taught. Okay, that's not true. It is not difficult when you start to love yourself and you really start to tap into your own self and you say I feel sad because Derek didn't offer me water. I don't know, I'm making that up. He actually did offer me water.

Speaker 1: 14:38

That was the first thing he did. But I'm just saying saying, yeah, let's so then. Then the question is what happened in your life that someone didn't give you something you needed and you're still holding on to that emotional narrative to make you fast forward, to someone not offering you water and you're still feeling bad. It's a memory in the body. So you have to get to the root. What. What happened? Where did you learn to react to this thing?

Speaker 1: 15:08

So a lot of times we have wounds and we don't know that we're walking with wounds. So if someone gets mad because this person that they cared for so much and they thought they were so close to and they had this big wedding and they weren't invited, that is what we call a rejection wound, an abandonment wound. So you have to ask yourself when were you abandoned in your life? And then the person stops and thinks well, you know, I remember when I was a child, my dad said he was going to pick me up from school and he never picked me up and he would repeatedly say I'm going to pick you up, I'm going to pick you up, and he never came. So right there a seed is being planted in that child that they're not important. People don't show up for them. People will say they're going to do something, but they don't really do it. Now you're 35 years old. You're hyper independent. You don't ask for help and you don't know why there's a root there's a root.

Speaker 1: 16:03

That's when the change happened for me, when I realized that I wanted to please other people, I wanted to be a yes person. I lied sometimes you know how many lies I've told because I was trying to make someone else comfortable and happy. I would lie, I would go to far extent. And then, when I got to the root of why, then my life started to change slowly, one day at a time. It didn't happen overnight.

Speaker 2: 16:33

Wow, Now let's talk about change. You know what makes us so set in our ways?

Speaker 1: 16:43

Everything that we're talking about right now patterns, pattern in the brain. We, the brain, develops a pattern. Um, it's like neural pathways, like if you're rewarded by a pattern so like when I was a people pleaser and um, the reward in being a people place pleaser, what do you think the reward is?

Speaker 2: 17:04

they praise you for it.

Speaker 1: 17:05

They like it, feels good you're liked, like now, you think you have friends. Yeah, they're right. So the brain doesn't know. It's the reason why people are addicted to drugs. The brain doesn't know that this thing is bad for you if, when you're doing it, you're releasing hormones that make you think that you feel good Oxytocin, serotonin. So sometimes we can do something that's very bad for us, but because we have a reward in the back end, we believe now that it's good. So I'll give you a classic thing that a lot of us do. That we don't realize is very bad for us, but we do it anyways. And those of us who are working towards um, higher development, I think that and I'm I'm. I see you as someone as such.

Speaker 1: 17:49

Yes, yes, we, we try to break it, but it's procrastination. A lot of us are addicted to procrastination and we don't know why. But there's a reward, because if you procrastinate and still exceed your expectation, you're still. You procrastinate and you do the thing, and people still say man, I read your paper, that was a good paper. Do you think that your brain is going to believe that it should stop procrastinating? No, why? Everybody's praising you for the thing that they don't know, that you stayed up till 5 am you lost sleep to do it? So why would you? You understand? So now you have to identify the thing that's not good and you have to believe to your core that this thing is not good for you.

Speaker 2: 18:37

And that's where the work is there's really a lot of self-realization? Yes, it is Self-analysis.

Speaker 1: 18:45

Self-awareness. You said it yes, yes yes, you need heightened self-awareness.

Speaker 1: 18:50

You have to know and you have to see yourself wholly and fully. You know, unfortunately, every human being has never seen themselves, because we only see a reflection of ourselves. Even if we're looking at ourselves in the mirror or we're looking at a video, you're still only seeing a reflection. You don't see what the world sees. So it kind of makes it hard, which is why people like me exist. That's why I do this work. But you have to be able to trust the process as well. So I help people see themselves, but they have to trust me that what I'm reflecting to them is real too but, most importantly, people have to realize that themselves.

Speaker 2: 19:29

So even while they're speaking to you, they need to come to. Your conversation should allow them to come to that realization.

Speaker 1: 19:35

It should, but sometimes they're still not ready and that's okay. Yeah, I've had people come to me and we do one, two sessions and then I don't hear from them for a year, two years, and they come back and they say Sister Keisha, I'm ready now and I say what happened and they tell me the trigger that brought them. Yeah, sometimes the trigger is very bad. It's drug addiction, or they got beat up by a partner or you know they failed them with their selves through a situation. You know they fail them with their with themselves through a situation. But I call it hitting rock bottom.

Speaker 2: 20:08

we have to hit rock bottom where you have, you know, an individual who's going through a lot of problems um, and are very set in their ways. They love. You know the dopamine effect or the reward center effects that is happening to them. You know how can you help them break that cycle.

Speaker 1: 20:30

I always say that I'm going to become a millionaire when I know the complete answer to that.

Speaker 1: 20:36

But I will say habit is where the cycle ends. You know, if we do something for 21 days consecutively, the brain is already changing. The brain is like plastic. Even though it might take 36 years to form a habit and it might take another 36 years to break it, the true story is that you can break it right. That's not impossible and and we know, we see, we've seen stories of like I don't know if you watch that show, my 500 pound life or these stories where people were like 500 pounds and they're 150 pounds. Right, it takes actual like a belief in yourself that you can do it.

Speaker 1: 21:20

And let me tell you something Nothing beats a made up mind. Absolutely nothing beats a made up mind. You see, once you make up your mind, like I made up my mind at January 17, 2014, when I registered my business, I didn't know the how, I wasn't even preoccupied with the process. Do you think that in January 17th of 2014, when I registered Movements for Change as a LLC, do you think that I thought I would be sitting here talking to you today? I had no clue. I never thought I would be in Ghana. I never thought that I would be seen as someone who was valued to give this information and to teach this. I never thought that I would have celebrity clients. I've had clients who have become mayors. I've had. I've worked with celebrities in my work. Do you think that I thought that?

Speaker 1: 22:11

But I had a made up mind and none of the trauma that I survived I have. I have sexual trauma. Yes, I'm a survivor. I have been physically abused by a partner. I've survived domestic violence and I believe that emotional abuse is also domestic violence, but we don't talk about it in that capacity. You know, I've survived so much harm that I've caused on myself. None of that mattered. On January 17, 2014, when I registered that business, I had a made up mind. That's all it takes. So if someone is stuck in their ways, if someone is stuck once you step out of denial, that is the first step towards emotional wellness and healing. You have to come out of denial. Once you step out of denial and you make up your mind, I don't care what it is. Change is inevitable.

Speaker 2: 23:06

I think you've basically answered my question, Because the question was how do we become comfortable with the new change? Right? But I think you've partly answered it. But then let me hear what you're going to say. But I want to say something to that question.

Speaker 1: 23:19

Because change is very painful and even if you make up your mind, it's still going to be uncomfortable. We have to normalize the discomfort.

Speaker 2: 23:29

So we need to accept that it's going to be uncomfortable, yes, but we need to accept the discomfort as comfort, basically.

Speaker 1: 23:37

We have to Right, because that's where growth happens. It's like when you plant a seed. We don't see the process of the plant coming out of the soil and breaking through because the sunlight is shining and this photosynthesis is happening in this process. We don't see that, we don't see the pain of that growth. But we, we love eating the fruit, we love the byproduct, we praise that. Oh, look at my mango tree, look at all the mango this season. But we don't talk about when we sat there watching every day if the tree was going to come up. So we have to normalize discomfort. We have to normalize. We have to normalize grief. We need to live in an environment where grief is. We're no longer bribing our emotions. You know, sometimes things happen. You might meet in a car accident and somebody will say, oh well, so what? You'll get a new car. We should not bribe our emotions. The person might've felt connected to that car. We need to feel everything.

Speaker 2: 24:46

I understand that, but how long are you going to be feeling that?

Speaker 1: 24:50

We can't be stuck. We can't be stuck, but we can't say, get over it either. So we need to create an environment that nurtures the feeling Okay, we should. And what does that look like? A hug. Do you need me to listen? You have permission to take a nap. You might need some rest. Don't rush the process. Take your time. It's okay if you don't know. Don't beat yourself up. It's okay if it hurts. You started a new business and the people you thought were going to support you they didn't. Why don't we mourn that?

Speaker 2: 25:34

But then of course, if you mourn that for too long, then it becomes another problem.

Speaker 1: 25:37

Well, here's the issue with too long right, thoughts become feelings and feelings become actions and actions become habit and habit becomes personality. And you and I both know, as people who have had to push through things to be in the positions that we're in today we have met someone who has had thoughts that became feelings, that feelings became action, those actions became habits and that habit became personality. You have met someone with a personality where you're like well, but here's where I struggle. We never say I wonder what happened to him? Why is he behaving like that? We don't. We say oh, I don't know what's wrong with him, I'm gonna block him, I don't want him calling me back. That's what we say, and you know that it's true. Yes, yes, I yeah it's so true.

Speaker 2: 26:29

It's so true. And these days we block people too quick.

Speaker 1: 26:33

I don't like the cancel culture. I really I'm struggling with cancel culture. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Speaker 1: 26:39

I need to change, but you know when you're an entrepreneur and you're pushing through your own limiting beliefs and narratives, anything that's in the way becomes a blockage and all we see is I got to knock that down. And that's the truth, cause I am in, I'm a blockage and all we see is I got to knock that down. Yes, and that's the truth. Because I am in, I'm a thriving survivor, that's how I call myself. I'm a thriving survivor. And when you're in the bed of thriving, you know anything that resembles what you've survived. It's like you don't want to go back, right, but we can send love and have compassion. Like you don't want to go back Right, but we can send love and have compassion. And and think, man, I wonder, I wonder what happened to them without enabling. Yeah, we can do it.

Speaker 2: 27:20

So, after we've spoken about all of this, right, there's something that is very dear to me and that I think, um a lot of people need to get to that place, which is how do we recognize the power within that we have and to be able to, you know, set our minds to things and actually get it done. How do we do that?

Speaker 1: 27:43

start small. Have you ever been in a position where you've thought about someone and then they called you?

Speaker 1: 27:49

yes that's where your power is. That's you experiencing your power. We have to see ourselves as spiritual beings having a human experience. We have to get back to what I call the big S, the spirit self, and that is the part of us that's intangible. There's no car that you drive, no thing that you own, no friend that you have, no status that you hold that can make you feel that that's an inside out job, and that's where it starts. You got to feel yourself and watch your power. Watch your power happen. Listen me being here right now, I don't care how big or small someone wants to see it. For me, everything is a big deal, Everything that I attract and manifest, I celebrate. And what does that look like? Like I'm going to go in the car and be like I was sitting with Derek today. I'm going to feel myself.

Speaker 1: 28:50

I'm going to allow myself to feel myself and be present and be present with this manifestation. Feel myself. I'm going to allow myself to feel myself and be present and be present with this manifestation. That's the power and we should all have permission. You know, we all yearn to be witnessed. That's why my business is a growing, thriving business, Because I witness people not just in their suffering but in their joy, and people want to be seen and heard and sometimes we struggle with doing that for ourselves. I'm just at a place where I have capacity to do it for myself, but I've been in my darkness, Derek. I've been in the bed and unable to get up. I have been in that place. I know what it feels like.

Speaker 2: 29:35

Gosh, I love this conversation. To not want to live, I love this conversation.

Speaker 1: 29:38

I didn't have the guts to kill myself, but I know what it feels like to not want to exist. I'm going to cry just saying it Because I survived and I'm here, but I know what it feels like, right. So for me to tell you that I'm sitting and celebrating my manifestations, no matter how big or small. I mean that truly and I employ everyone. I don't know where the camera is, but I employ everyone to sit in your manifestation, no matter how big. Think about someone and the phone rings and they call you. Celebrate that you have a dream and later on something is showing up around it. Honor your spirit, self and that part of you that manifested that. You know you're looking for something and you go in the store and it's like sitting right there. That's a big deal. We should celebrate all of our wins and that's what helps us to move.

Speaker 2: 30:38

This is beautiful. You've just set a lot of people on a path of self-realization.

Speaker 1: 30:43

I pray.

Speaker 2: 30:45

And I think that's what every person needs to understand and you know, start walking that path. Because that's when you can be your true self.

Speaker 1: 30:57

Yeah, you can blossom, yeah gary zukav has a book called the seat of the soul and he calls it authentic power and he says that when we tap into our authentic power, that we comfortably show up in our truth and we're okay with whatever the outcome is, because there's a part of a part of us that truly believes that who we are is more than enough. The seat of the soul by gary zukav yeah. By Gary Zukav yeah.

Speaker 2: 31:34

Now let's tone it down a bit, Because to some people, what just happened three minutes ago is too much.

Speaker 1: 31:44

It's a lot. It's a lot, I know they had me like tears started coming out of my eyes too.

Speaker 2: 31:50

To some people it's too much. So now let's tone it down a bit and speak about emotions. Now, how do we deal with heavy emotions such as pain and anger?

Speaker 1: 32:01

so you know, and I spoke earlier about how anger is usually the mask of sadness, because it's an easier emotion to go to. It's very easy because we feel protected by anger. So it's easier to channel that energy, you know. But it's also destructive and with anger you're either going to have an explosion or an implosion, and when we have an implosion it's dis-ease, it's sickness in the body.

Speaker 1: 32:32

We have autoimmune disease. 80 percent of autoimmune disease cases in america are women, and women are, we're known, to self-suppress, right? So we have anger inside that we have not faced. We're repressing it and stuffing it down and we're masking it in other behaviors, like people pleasing and being nice and being hypersexual, using our bodies. We need to first allow the emotion. That's how we get over it. First, we need to give ourselves permission to feel it, that when it shows up we don't need to stuff it down, right. That's number one. So we got, we got to acknowledge the ways that we try to suppress the emotion. We got to be honest with ourselves about it and then, when we can stop doing this thing, to avoid this bad feeling anger, let's say and we allow it. Then we have to channel it. So.

Speaker 1: 33:34

So I advise a lot of my community scream in a pillow, go to the ocean and scream, scream out loud, move your body, jump up and down, exercise, do some Tai Chi, meditate, sit in silence, allow your thoughts, no matter how crazy they are, to just come up, but we have to find ways to not push it down and to allow it to just be. You know, a lot of times people are running from their feelings because it feels chaotic, and where we learn to run from it is how we were nurtured as children. So if you grew up in an environment that told you to get over it, stop crying. I went someplace the other day and I saw a little boy here in Ghana. He was crying about something and the woman said you, stop crying. What is your problem? You have nothing to cry about. After she had just slapped him and I and I couldn't help it. I promise y'all you you have to forgive me because I walked to the.

Speaker 1: 34:41

I walked up to the woman and I said auntie, he's crying for a reason. Do you know why he's crying? She says no. I said didn't you just slap him? Yes, because he kicked the bottle and I told him to pick it up. And I said, yeah, but he's sad and it's okay for him to be sad. And you know what she did? She sat me down. She asked me if I could sit for a second and she said I'm left alone. His mother is in the UK and I'm raising him and I just don't know how to deal with him. His mother is in the UK and I'm raising him and I just don't know how to deal with him. That little boy is going to grow up to be just what you're talking about. What?

Speaker 2: 35:19

was your question. Repeat it. How do we deal with emotions such as anger and pain?

Speaker 1: 35:27

And you said, the person who is difficult. They don't know how to manage it. That little boy is going to grow up to be that person because at at a young age, he's learning that he, I don't know how to manage this difficult feeling.

Speaker 2: 35:41

Wow, that's a lot to unpack.

Speaker 1: 35:47

It is.

Speaker 2: 35:47

That's a lot to unpack it is Now. I've got a few questions for you, and the first one is motivation or discipline?

Speaker 1: 35:58

both okay. Um, you know, I had a mentor who, um nana ya, may her soul rest in peace she used to tell me that, sister keisha, discipline and love are synonymous. And she said if you don't teach your children discipline, they're going to resent you Because they're going to become adults who are out of control and they won't know. We need discipline to do the things that we have to do. Everything we talked about today was around discipline. However, if you are disciplined from a place of pain, then you don't have motivation. Now you're not motivated and you're punishing yourself because it's like why can't I get it together? But we need to get to the root, so I teach people. You have to learn how to re-parent yourself, so you got to re-teach yourself discipline. You have to unlearn all of the negative ways that you were taught and you got to relearn a new way and discipline has to come from compassion.

Speaker 2: 37:06

You know it's really difficult to be a parent.

Speaker 1: 37:09

It's so hard.

Speaker 2: 37:15

And I've said it here on this show that most of us, for example, you know we, we're young, right, and we're raising kids. We've never done this before. I know, most of the time the, the struggles of life set in, our own emotions set in and you find yourself acting a certain way, doing certain things, and then you're like I shouldn't have done that. You know, I shouldn't have approached it this way, I should have done it that way. I should have done it.

Speaker 1: 37:38

So it's really hard to be a parent and when you acknowledge that you shouldn't have done it that way. Even though the greatest apology is a change of behavior, it's okay to go to that child and say you know what I was thinking about, cause I just yelled and I'm very sorry. You know what I was thinking about, because I just yelled and I'm very sorry. I don't like how that feels and I'm sorry that I just yelled at you. It's OK to do that and that's why you know, healing is not about bashing the parents who might have caused some of the damage. When I talk about it, I know it sounds hard for some people because they're like oh, but that's my mom and that's my dad. I speak about it just for the sake of acknowledgement. But we also have to understand that these people were in pain as well. Yeah, and it is hard to parent from a wound. It's very difficult. You know what I mean. It's not easy, you know, and so that's why we give ourselves grace, we forgive ourselves, we can learn to forgive those who might have harmed us.

Speaker 1: 38:35

The goal is not to be stuck in anger. It's not. That is not the goal. The goal is not to be stuck in anger because then we're living in the past. But just because you've forgiven someone doesn't mean you're going to allow more abuse either. Doesn't mean you're going to allow More abuse either. So we have to. You see, if we're stuck in the pain of the past, then we can't create a vision of a future. So we need to create joy, we need to create happiness, we need to create something new. But parenting is very hard, difficult, it's not easy, it's difficult.

Speaker 2: 39:11

Kudos to all the parents Especially the single parents, parents, especially the single parents especially the single parents right, even harder. Um, yeah, look guys, if you've got any questions, if you're listening to the audio and you've got questions, please, um, write it in the comments and leave us a review on, um, whatever podcast channel you're listening on and, of course, if you're on youtube as well, please share and become part of the family. What's the best advice you ever received?

Speaker 1: 39:38

Ooh, I had another. I have. I've had plenty of mentors in my life. They've saved me in so many ways. But I had a mentor. Her name is Kay and she also transitioned, unfortunately.

Speaker 1: 39:51

But she used to tell me that, keisha, it's all a distraction. Take it to the minefield and blow it up. She said take it to the minefield and blow it up. It's not real. Whatever it is that you're telling yourself, whatever it is that's holding you back, whatever you believe, that is not true. But but you are holding it. She said take it to the minefield and just blow it up. And I know that kind of sounds a little cliche. What does that mean? But essentially I believe she was saying let it go, leave it, leave it alone and blow it up. And for me that was some good advice. That was some good advice. That was some good advice. But I've had several others. You know I've had a lot. My father always told me that you can't heal what you're not willing to reveal. He always said that. He said you've got to reveal it to heal it. That was also good advice. My father I, uh, yes, that's, that's a good one. It. That was also good advice.

Speaker 2: 40:54

My father, aya, yes, that's a good one as well.

Speaker 1: 40:57

That was a good one too, yeah.

Speaker 2: 41:00

Have you got anything to tell our audience on Connected Minds?

Speaker 1: 41:04

Oh, wow, oh, we talked about a lot.

Speaker 2: 41:07

Oh yeah, we have.

Speaker 1: 41:08

We talked about so much. I want to say that you matter, you're important and you're here for a reason. Don't give up, don't quit and trust yourself. The voice that tells you that you're wrong and that you're bad and that you can't do something, that's not your voice and you should challenge it. Connect with where you heard that first and release it. Let it go. Take it to the minefield and blow it up. You're here for a divine purpose. You have value and we need you. Don't quit.

Speaker 2: 42:04

That's so good, so good. I think you know when we finish right, I need to listen to the audio about 20 times because there's so much that I've learned. Is you know there's certain conversations that I've learned? Is you know there's certain conversations that take you to a deeper place?

Speaker 1: 42:17

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 42:18

Right, especially when you're yeah right, it's it really it, I loved it, I loved it. But, hey, if you've been listening to the audio watching video wherever you are, Instagram to the audio watching video wherever you are, instagram, whatever, wherever just support, comment, like, write a review, just tell us what you think about this podcast. Um, but today I've had one of the best conversations on the show so far, because it's a topic that really is connected to me. Thank you so much, kisha, for your time. Thank you and for you guys out there. Stay connected.