EP 158 | Finding Where You Belong Through Confidence

So many of us are looking to have more confidence in ourselves and a sense of belonging, but we do not always realize how they fit together. We are joined with Andrea Fleischfresser, Executive and Leadership Coach and Founder of Destination You Coaching & Development, for a great conversation on how both confidence and belonging play into our lives. Tune in as we share stories and tips to help you grow in not only your personal life but professionally as well!

Chapters:

• 0:00 - Intro
• 3:00 - Introducing Guest Andrea Fleischfresser
• 17:08 - Finding Belonging in Personal & Professional Development
• 26:50 - Key Takeaways & Outro

Guest, Andrea’s Information to Connect:

• LinkedIn
• Instagram
• Website for Destination You Coaching 

Transcript

Andrea: 0:00

The sense of true belonging is more than fit in in a place. Is you finding yourself? And this is what was life changing for me that knowing that who am I and knowing that I can belong to any place because I know who am I?

Lisa: 0:28

Welcome to the Confident Podcast. I am Lisa Tarkington, your host of this podcast. If you found yourself hitting play on this podcast, it means it was meant for you. My goal is to help, empower and guide you to become a better version of yourself through conversation, advice and tips that are real, vulnerable and authentic. I am excited to have you join this journey with me. So let's get started. All right, everybody. Well, welcome back for another episode of the Confident Podcast. I am your host, lisa Tarkington, and we have such an amazing episode coming your way.

Lisa: 1:00

Today, we are going to be talking all about confidence and belonging, how they come together, how they're a little bit separate, and I think it's so cool to think about how these elements play into our lives, how so many of us are looking and longing to have more confidence in ourselves and also belonging, and throughout today, we're going to be talking about these two different things and sharing stories, giving tips and tools, not only for people to help them in their personal life, but also professional. When it comes to leadership and I say this all the time to all of my coaching clients that leaders can be in all shapes and forms. So if you're like, well, I'm not a leader? Yes, you are. You're just in a different format than maybe you see someone else in a hierarchy. So we are going to dive into this incredible conversation, but I'm not doing it alone.

Lisa: 1:51

I've been doing a lot of solo podcasts recently. I know that all of you guys are always cool with that. You love all of the stories that we've been able to tell, but I also think it's very powerful when we bring on some amazing guests to share their stories as well. So we have my good friend, Andrea, jumping on today. She is an Executive and Leadership Coach and I'm going to let her give you guys all of the feels about who she is. So, Andrea, welcome to the Confident Podcast.

Andrea: 2:15

Thank you so much, L isa. It's such an honor, a privilege, to be here with you. I'm so excited to share and to be with you here.

Lisa: 2:27

Yeah Well, I'm trying to think of, like, the first time we met, it was just Instagram, wasn't it?

Andrea: 2:34

It was.

Lisa: 2:35

It was.

Andrea: 2:35

It's like we clicked even when we didn't know each other. Yes, oh, I like this girl.

Lisa: 2:43

And then it's also like oh, we're both in Michigan, so like super cool how, as much as I always say, there's so much interesting stuff that happens on social media. It's also really cool how we all can connect. So, Andrea, so happy to have you on, so I would love for you to share with our audience a little bit more about yourself.

Andrea: 3:00

Yeah, sure, I start from the beginning. I'm originally from Brazil, from the south of Brazil, so this is where my family is from. My parents, my siblings are still there and I left Brazil in 2000 for love. My husband is Italian. I met him in Brazil and we lived in Italy for 12 years, in Milan. I used to work in human resources in Italy, my kids were born there and in 2012, my husband got the opportunity to come to the US, to Michigan, for work.

Andrea: 3:40

The very common expat life, the very common expect life, and I usually tell this story because we see how life can change in a blink of eyes. We just left. We left Milan, we closed our apartment with everything inside furniture, my car in the garage. My boss at that time said Andrea, whatever you want, your place is here, you can come back. And these things go like from one year we stay, two, and here we are 12 years later. We became American citizen, two, three years ago maybe. So, yeah, my kids now are 20 and 17, pretty Michiganders. So, yeah, this is how life changed our destiny in some way, and even for us professionally, it was just an amazing opportunity. As I said, I used to work in HR and after kind of like a year that I was here, I was kind of like thinking about what I would like to be next, and I discovered coaching, because I work with a coach for myself.

Andrea: 4:56

And what will be my next here in this new life, quote, unquote. And after a few sessions, I told her I think this is what I want to do. I want to be a coach as well. And she said since I met you, since the beginning, my intuition was that this will be perfect for you, but I couldn't tell you so. Since I started my first coach training in 2014, I fell in love with this work and I'm doing them since then. So it's been 10 years that I'm working full time as a coach, building my business, et cetera, et cetera.

Lisa: 5:40

Amazing. That is such a good story to hear about where you guys were living and then deciding to stay. I can't even imagine having all of my stuff be in a location, living in a whole different country like not even a different state or county and then staying. And so I have to ask did you like go get the stuff or did you just like leave it there?

Andrea: 6:05

So I have to ask did you like go get the stuff or did you just like leave it there? No, that's a good question. We lived in a rental house. We rented a house for four years it's still when we were in the visa green card process and then we bought a house in 2016. So we got our stuff back here after we bought a house. Okay, okay, good, good.

Lisa: 6:32

I was very concerned about the clothes or everything, as you can tell. But that's amazing, that's an amazing transformation and I also love that. The other transition that you brought up about about I became a coach because I had a coach and I think that probably every listener on here knows like I have a coach. I'm so big on being that, even though I am a coach, I think it's so powerful to continue to work on your personal and professional growth as well and it's just taught me so much about myself through that process.

Lisa: 7:03

I love I and you probably feel this way I love hearing the growth in my clients, and it's very hard sometimes to not give all the advice in the world but just to be a coach in general, but kind of like segueing into that. So we're talking about confidence and belonging today and when you hear those words, those elements are intertwined, but also they're very separate. Sometimes too, like people, people don't always look at them as as intertwined, I would say. And so what would you say is like, how do you see them intertwining and then how do you see them separately?

Andrea: 7:35

Great question, sharing also a little bit of my story answering your question now. And I just realized that afterwards, when I moved to Italy, I had, of course I had time adapting in this new culture. I was, of course, younger and I didn't realize at that time how I was in some way trying to fit in in order to feel accepted, to adapt, to be there, to live there. And the more I was trying to fit in, I was losing my own essence and not feeling confident, not feeling yourself was kind of like becoming bigger and bigger on me. I was trying so hard with all these years to feel included in the workplace. I worked in the same organization for 12 years, so I had a good career there in HR, but it was always the feeling that I'm different than them. I was the only foreign in that company, I was the only one with accent, so there was always this feeling of I don't belong. So this is exactly like now, looking back, because at that time I didn't have that knowledge, that even vocabulary. I say even to my clients that I'm so thankful for all this D&I conversations that we've been having and becoming more and more part of our conversations that people nowadays can identify microaggressions or uncautious bias. But back in the day, like in 2000s and at least for me, it was not part of no, I didn't know.

Andrea: 10:00

So, answering your question, Lisa, the more you feel that you don't belong, more you lose yourself, more you feel that you are not good enough and you are always trying hard to be there, be someone else, and more this happens. You are again using another very common word you are not authentic to yourself. And this becomes like part of this, not confidence, feeling the insecurity or not clarity, like you said in your work with your coach, more we work on ourselves, more we become confident to ourselves. Yeah, so the true belonging, the sense of true belonging, is more than fit in in a place. It's you finding yourself. And this is what was life-changing for me that knowing that who am I and knowing that I can belong to any place because I know who am I, that I am this Brazilian-Italian with an American experience, that I have this mixed accent and it's okay. For so many years my accent holds me back because I don't speak like them, I don't whatever like them, but when you honor, you embrace your full self then you belong.

Lisa: 11:46

What did you notice? I actually love that and as you were talking, I was like I have so many questions for her, but I'm trying to do mindful listening at the same time. I loved everything that you were saying. I first off, have to say anybody listening in that probably felt that way at some point. Right, we're all like I want to fit in with X, I want to fit in with X, I want to fit in with this group. And you took me back to all of the years of high school for me, actually, where it's one of those things where people don't see it on your face like all the time, but you're feeling it inside a little bit. And so what did you notice? When you started to like fully embrace who you were, how it kind of affected how you, how other people actually acted around you as well.

Andrea: 12:31

Yeah, I love that. And it's good that you mentioned also about high school and all this experience, because belonging or not belonging it's not about just if you move to a new country or a different place. It could be even your own family in your school, as you mentioned, in the workplace, even though you are from the same place, same country, same everything. So, as you mentioned, it's more that, the feeling that you feel inside and this comparison that we also say that the comparison is the teeth of joy that we women we have a lot like social media bring this a lot for all of us teenagers, but even as artists. But it's this comparison that what is external to us.

Andrea: 13:32

So, when we look to others, always looking that the others do better of yourself, that you are trying to find an external validation of your own value is never be good enough and the society is full of that. How many likes, how many views, how many people or even friends, because this became part of our reality nowadays. That, for me personally, was a life changing when we start to look into ourselves and even to others, of course, our clients in a perspective more what we have, our strengths, what we are good at, like, even though, like your friends, this is very. It was my experience in high school, like my friends were very good in sports and I was always not good at all in sports and I always felt bad.

Andrea: 14:46

But this is me. But when I started to looking in what I'm good enough, what I'm good at I'm good with this, I'm good at I'm good with this, I'm good with people, with empathy, in deep conversations, in supporting others, when we look to what we have, we don't see more the half empty of the cup, but life just creates a different meaning.

Lisa: 15:14

Yeah, and I love that, and I love that you brought up strength. So it's something that we teach a lot in all of the programs that we teach at Lead. And I find it so fascinating that, as you were talking, one of the things that kept coming up for me was personal growth, like you said, like it's actually doing the work. So I think we talk a lot about that on this podcast because that's what we're all about, right? But I think it's so easy to say that's exhausting, you know. But I always also remind people well, it's exhausting to, to not be confident and not, like, not be proud of who you are and quote unquote, fitting in or belonging.

Lisa: 15:50

I love that perspective that you gave.

Lisa: 15:52

It's not about fitting in, it's about, like, knowing what you bring to the table and what you bring in value.

Lisa: 15:58

And I always tell people when I see people that present themselves in that way and appreciate that about themselves, I actually gravitate towards them a little bit more and I think it's pretty beautiful when you get to see people that are just like, so proud and honored of who they are, and so what would you say? So, obviously, when you have self-awareness, you're kind of more aware of your surroundings and also you can notice like, wow, I have a new employee. They are not from here. How do I make sure that they feel like they belong? Or maybe you're trying out for a sports team and someone's not as good as someone else and you're like, okay, I feel like they belong. Or maybe you're trying out for a sports team and someone's not as good as someone else and you're like, okay, I feel like they're struggling a little bit, like, how do I help them belong? What would you say to these individuals to help someone feel better about that feeling and help them with their confidence as well?

Andrea: 16:53

Yeah, for sure, yeah for sure, I would say see the uniqueness in each one of us, see the beauty in each one of us. It's beautiful. And one of the things that I'm so grateful to be here in the US, in Michigan, is I always felt that people were curious about my diversity. Here I feel that my languages because I speak fluently three languages it seemed like a plus, like oh, that's great, oh, you speak more than one language, oh, I love your accent, even if people will say like this, but it's nice to hear. So it's really about to encourage people to bring their diversity, their skills forward. It's okay to be different.

Lisa: 17:58

And then what would you say to a leader who's having a struggle embracing those differences?

Andrea: 18:03

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I work with a lot of leaders that in the both sides. Yeah, leaders that are working with multicultural teams or people from so many different places, and also leaders that they might be Brazilians, italians, germans, french, and they are working with an American team and they also feel these differences. I had a client now in a C-level position in Brazil, moved here to Michigan, and he is having a hard time with his team because he's realizing that the way he's leading his team here is different than the way he used to lead, because leadership also changed it from culture to culture.

Andrea: 18:57

But answering your question it from culture to culture. But answering your question is really about curiosity, getting curious about the person, seeing the person who is in front of you. Most of the times we take things for granted, thinking that everyone should think in this way and we don't see that behind that title that there is a person, that maybe that person is also struggling in some other way.

Lisa: 19:28

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Lisa: 20:56

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Lisa: 21:33

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Lisa: 22:23

And I think when you were saying that, one of the things that came up for me was curiosity to me sometimes means questions, just asking questions. I have a good friend that would always say like I want this to be very informal whenever she's meeting with someone new, because she's like I want them to feel open to talk about whatever, because that's how I'm going to get to know them. And so that's exactly what you were saying is like you might not be sure how you're going to embrace. You have maybe not sure how you might help them belong. I also think that, too, it's not always your responsibility to make someone feel X, y, z, but you should do a good portion of making sure that your authentic values are coming off right and then helping them and guide them like hey, I've noticed that you're struggling here. How can I support you? Right, and asking all of those questions.

Lisa: 23:12

But curiosity helps people also open up, right, because we're nervous. If you're asking me, as a boss, to do X, y Z, I'm going to clam up a little bit more. But if you ask me more curious questions about me, you're going to learn my strengths. You're going to learn like yeah, I really don't like to do X, y Z too. Right, like, you're going to learn so much more through conversation. And I find that so powerful and it's it's one of the things I hear from leaders. A lot is like well, that's a lot of time though, right, like, and I agree, right, I'm a grinder, I'm like I got projects to do. But I also believe that if you want to build that culture where you can trust and have people feel confident in their skills, it's okay to take some time, it's okay to slow down. Sometimes I remind myself that still all the time, even though this is stuff that I teach. But it's so fascinating the impact we don't realize that we can make on people just by asking questions.

Andrea: 24:13

Yeah, I had some situations with clients. I remember one here that was really life-changing for him that this client, he was actually letting this person go, he was firing his employee and he was very determined no, he's not performing, I cannot. And the day that he had this conversation that he was the moment that he really sat with the person and had a conversation he knew that the person was going through some personal situations and he you know, we worked together for a few months and he was always going back to that moment saying I wish I had talked with that person before and this was such a life-changing experience for him. And I also saw clients witness clients saying this person is going to performance improvement, this person is not performing. And the first thing I say have you ever talked?

Andrea: 25:33

And, as you said, lisa, sometimes they say I don't have time, I'm busy, but it's one question. Sometimes you don't need even to put the meeting in your schedule. It's just looking to the person and say how we are doing today and maybe one time will be I'm fine, the second time will be okay then and maybe it's time for a little bit more of how are you doing, but getting to know the person instead of just looking for the doing, the result, the product. So this is really it's life changing.

Lisa: 26:19

Yeah, and I will say there are many difficult times where it's tough for a leader and I will be one of those leaders who have struggled with that sometimes because you're on deadlines, you have results you have to hit, you still have to meet all of these business goals. But I also think to your point. We can always tell the stories in our head about like, well, I'm frustrated that this isn't getting done by this deadline, vice versa, all of this stuff. But had we had the conversation in the beginning, it would have saved all that headache, right, it would have opened up another thing. And kind of back to the conversation about confidence and belonging I also look at it. Is it helps you understand? Is this the right job for them? Is this the right fit? Do they have confidence in their job? Where do I need to help them with their confidence? Because confidence is all about believing in your skills and your abilities. It's all about your talents, and so when you feel like you're not confident in those areas, it's OK to ask for help.

Lisa: 27:15

So those people that feel like they don't belong, I always want to counteract or counter, counter. Get some help. Or are you playing victim mindset too? Because I also look at it that way. I look at both. Right, the leaders have to do their part, but the person on the other side has to do their part too. Because I know it's so easy for me to play victim mindset of like, oh, I just don't fit in, oh, I'll never fit in. But like, well, what am I doing to make these people feel like I want to hang out with them? Or I do have these abilities and stuff. And it goes back to, right in the beginning, what you said working on myself.

Andrea: 27:55

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love the quote from Fred Kaufman. He is the author of the Conscious Business, conscious Leadership, and he says if you don't see yourself as part of the problem, you cannot be part of the solution.

Lisa: 28:13

I got chills when you said that yes.

Andrea: 28:17

I work a lot with my latest clients and he has a very nice video you guys can check out. Be the player, not the victim. And he described in a very easy examples, like everyday examples, how we as human beings see easier, let's say, to justify by blaming others or someone else, like saying, oh sorry, I'm late, the traffic was terrible, or I was stuck in the meeting. The traffic was terrible or I was stuck in the meeting, but the point is exactly what you said, lisa, is the meeting didn't get you stuck by itself. It was your decision to stay. So when we look to ourselves that we are the owner of our own responsibilities, our own actions, behaviors, it just with that we can choose. We have the power of the choice. What do I want to do here?

Lisa: 29:21

Yeah, yeah, and I love all of that because as I've gotten older and as I've worked on myself, so I don't know if the older piece has anything to do with it or just the years of personal development. I think that they go hand in hand, because it's taken me a few more years and I didn't start in high school, right, I started in my 20s, and so I think that it comes with time, it comes with all of this, but like I feel more myself than I did 10 years ago and I want everybody listening.

Lisa: 29:53

No, feel more myself than I did 10 years ago and I want everybody listening. No matter what age you are, it's okay to evolve, in that who you are today might change a little bit. Your values, I hope, stay the same, and who you are and all that alignment but it's okay to change. Like well, I want to try pickleball. I'm going to use that as the example. That's a very easy one and they're all really good at it, so when I show up, I'm not as good as them. Well, they probably have been doing it a lot longer than you, and so understanding, like just like piling in and working on it and seeing who's willing to help you in those areas or asking for help I think back to your point of it doesn't mean that you can't try. It doesn't mean that you can't continue to do it because you are in charge of being part of your own solution too. Um, so, andrea, kind of to like wrap up everything, what would you leave our audience with today? Like some last, like key, key advice or tools?

Andrea: 30:45

Yeah, I just want to make a comment, if made, about what you just said. Um, make a comment, if made, about what you just said. I heard this other day that the cells of our body change every 200 minutes. I say I don't remember exactly, I apologize. Oh you're good.

Andrea: 31:07

But the point is we are. We are not the same person as we were yesterday. We are as human beings our body, our mind. We are a work in progress as we are changing, like with aging. Aging is beautiful. It's been that. We are here in this planet, in this world, like giving to others, and we are continually evolving. So it's okay to try, it's okay to fail, because in this way you'll be learning and becoming a better yourself. Yeah, love that. I feel that this is what I want to leave our audience that if you feel that you don't belong or if you don't fit in, it's not about you. It's the world that is so full of so many things. And the more you look inside to yourself, you will find your true belonging, which is finding yourself. So don't look for external validation when the answers are all inside of you, as Wizard of Oz said to Dorothy. So find the answers inside of you.

Lisa: 32:34

Oh, I love that, and that is like the best way to end this podcast. So, andrea, if someone wants to get in contact with you or follow you at all, how can they do that?

Andrea: 32:43

Yeah, thank you. So my business is Destination you Coaching website destinationyoucoaching. com, Linkedin with my name Andrea Fleischfresser. I have instagram account with my name and my business name, destination Andrea Fleischfresser you coaching and. My email for contact is andrea@ destinationyoucoachingcom. And. Thank you, Lisa. You are amazing.

Lisa: 33:14

Thank you for bringing this conversation and encourage so many people to feel more confident to themselves, because this is priceless, yes, well, and I just love this conversation and talking about belonging and it just made me think about so many things of what I can continue to do. Right, like every time you hear these conversations, you have these conversations. It reminds you like what else could I be doing better, you know? And it also makes you also look internally of like, yeah, what else do I need to do introspectively to really make great changes? So, thank you so much for being on this podcast and everybody listening in. I know that you took so many amazing tips and advice, and just hearing stories, too, are very powerful. So, as I always say, continue to spread love and kindness to everybody that you meet and have a great day.

Lisa: 34:03

Thank you for tuning into the Confident Podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, don't forget to subscribe, leave a review, follow the Confident Podcast on Instagram and TikTok and share it with those who might benefit. Also, if you're looking to work one on one with me, message and follow me on Instagram at Lisa Tarkington official. Stay confident, stay inspired. Until next time. Keep striving to be the best version of yourself, take care.