The Confident Podcast

EP 165 | From Critique to Confidence: How to Handle Feedback Like a Pro

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Are you struggling to handle feedback, whether it's positive or negative? 🎤 In this week's episode, we dive deep into receiving feedback: how to accept it, take it in, and make actionable steps for improvement. Learn effective strategies to transform your mindset, handle feedback with confidence, and use it for personal growth without getting defensive. Tune in now for tips on how to handle feedback and turn it into powerful opportunities for personal development and success! 

Chapters:

  • 0:00 - Intro & Embracing Feedback with Confidence
  • 7:16 - Defining Constructive vs Destructive Feedback
  • 15:37 - How to Receive Feedback for Growth
  • 26:41 - Key Takeaways & Outro


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Lisa Tarkington:

So many times we allow the one to two pieces of feedback that aren't quote unquote positive, or how we see positive as the thing that takes over our mind, that we forget about all this other opportunity and positivity of all the good things people have said. Welcome to the Confident Podcast. I am Lisa Tarkington, your host of this podcast. If you found yourself hitting play on this podcast, it means it was meant for you. My goal is to help empower and guide you to become a better version of yourself through conversation, advice and tips that are real, vulnerable and authentic. I am excited to have you join this journey with me. So let's get started. Hey everybody, welcome back for another episode of the Confident Podcast. I am your host, Lisa Tarkington, and we have a great topic to discuss today.

Lisa Tarkington:

This has been a topic that has come to the forefront of my career since the beginning of me starting not only probably my first couple of jobs in high school, to my first career out of college, to where I am now, and it's all about feedback. It's about getting feedback, how to take feedback and what you're going to do with it. So in this podcast, I decided that I really wanted to talk about how to handle feedback with confidence, without getting defensive, because I know for me many, many years I would get defensive when I got feedback. I very much wanted to explain why I did X, y, z and I had all the feels when it come to receiving feedback good or bad. And so I figured well, why not share with you guys what I have learned over the years when it came to this, and how I have changed my mindset when it comes to feedback and how I take it like a champ now? And don't get me wrong, it's still tough to hear sometimes, but I'm a completely different person with how I react to it and how I handle it, and that's what I want for all of you is to learn how to take feedback without feeling like you have to get defensive, and how to gain that confidence from it. So in this episode, we are going to dive into how to embrace feedback, how to build self-confidence, how to practice active listening, which is so important for this and how to turn feedback into actionable improvement steps. And so let's get started.

Lisa Tarkington:

So, first and foremost, this topic really came to mind, like I said, of years and years of me doing, receiving feedback, and over the last couple of years I've had to give feedback, but I would say, out of all the years of me talking about feedback, getting feedback, the last five years I've gotten more feedback than I've ever have combined in the rest of my whole life. Or maybe I'm just more self-aware and conscious of it. But, given my role that I have as a leader of a nonprofit as well as a coach, I receive feedback from my executive board, my advisory board. I get feedback from people that attend my programs. I get feedback from my coaching clients. I get feedback from my employees, I get feedback from our stakeholders and, if you think about it, it's like every day I'm just getting hit with feedback. Oh well, you need to change this. Or, oh, I have this idea. Or have you thought of this? Or, lisa, you need to grow in this, or you know all of these things. And as I'm talking, I think my head is just popping with all of these questions or comments that people have made.

Lisa Tarkington:

And one of the hardest things when it came to my role is that I really had to understand that all the feedback that I was receiving some was people's opinions, some was to help me, all of these different avenues that feedback can look like for different people, and there were many times in my whole career where I would get very defensive of it. I would want to explain why I did something versus really taking it in, absorbing it and maybe putting action behind it or just thinking about it. I didn't want to think about it, I didn't want to feel into those feels sometimes, and what I've really had to learn again is how to take this feedback, how to absorb it, how to learn from it and then how to move forward. Verse dwelling on it. You know, there was a long, long period of time of my life where, when I would receive feedback, I would cry, I would just sit there and maybe say, ok, I would get defensive and in other aspects then I would have sleepless nights. I would have sleepless nights of I'm not good enough, I'll never be capable of this. I'll never be capable of this. Their words would kind of sit into my mind versus taking it for what it was at the front of it and then changing my perspective about it or really understanding why I was receiving that feedback.

Lisa Tarkington:

And the other thing, too, is I shared a lot where people are always giving me feedback and in my role that I have, I'm not receiving a lot of affirmations, I'm not receiving a lot of information from people from my board of directors or anything telling me that I'm doing a good job. I've had to look a lot internally to figure that out and to find that. And that has been another pivoting point for me when it came to feedback, because I was always looking for the external validation. When someone would tell me something bad, I'm like well, can someone just tell me that I'm doing a good job? And what I had to do was really look internally. I had to look internally. I had to really focus on my growth to really help myself understand that I'm the one that's going to be in charge of how I take control of things. I'm the one that needs to validate my worth. I'm the one that needs to grow in my own confidence. That's no one else's job but my own. And the more that I started to play into that piece and define who I was, what my worth was and who I am, it was a game changer. It was a huge game changer for me.

Lisa Tarkington:

And these are things that I talk about a lot because it's so easy to dwell. It's so easy to keep thinking of the past, thinking about the past versus sitting in the future, or sitting in the moment and then looking into the future, and so that's what we're going to focus on today is how do you do these different things to really embrace feedback? So the first one is to understand the feedback right. So let's just talk about the nature of feedback in general. So, first off, it is critical for our development. If we've never received feedback or never heard good or bad, we will never be able to grow. We will never be able to develop maybe into the role that we're in or, honestly, out of that role into a new role. We're always going to stay stagnant or we're going to have such an ego about things that we're never going to be able to notice all the things that we might want to improve in. Now, as you can notice, I didn't say anything about strengths or weaknesses, because, again, that does play into feedback a little bit when people are focusing on their helping you grow in your weaknesses, but it's sometimes just the areas that maybe we need to slight, tweak or improve in as well.

Lisa Tarkington:

And feedback is an opportunity to learn, to improve and to grow. It is not about personal criticism, and that's something that a lot of us take. We take it very, very personable, and I am that person too, like I'll raise my hand and say to all of you for years I used to take it personally, and I still do sometimes, but I think it's a constant journey of up and down, of knowing your worth and also understanding why people are giving you feedback. So there's two types of feedback. There's constructive feedback and there's deconstructive feedback. So constructive feedback is aimed to help you grow, it's very specific, it's actionable and it's delivered in the intention to support your development. But on the flip side, destructive feedback is vague, it doesn't have actionable items and it can feel like a personal attack, and throughout my life I've received both right we probably all have, and so to handle this effectively, we really have to shift our mindsets and our perspectives on things, and so for me, this was a big struggle, so I'm going to give you guys some examples.

Lisa Tarkington:

So when I used to work for our corporation, we would have our yearly feedback, yearly conversation for personal growth with our leaders, and I remember just getting the feedback and listening to the constructive and the deconstructive as well, and I really struggled with it for a long time because a lot of those things might have been personal bias, they could have been things that people wanted me to work on versus what I wanted to work on, but at the moment I didn't know how to very much absorb it, take it, grow from it or, honestly, even ask the right questions. When I was getting the feedback I sometimes would just get defensive or, honestly I'm just going to be honest I shut down, I would just sit there and be in absolute quiet because I didn't know what to do in that moment, because all I felt was really bad, even when there was positive feedback. Because so many times we allow the one to two pieces of feedback that aren't quote unquote positive or how we see positive as the thing that takes over our mind, that we forget about all this other opportunity and positivity of all the good things people have said. And I've even noticed that over the years when someone might say like, oh my God, your program changed my life, and then someone else has some feedback, the person that's life was changed. It's so overshadowed by maybe that one slightly piece of feedback that I got from someone that probably didn't even attend our program, maybe just had an opinion about something, and that is very hard to distinguish when you're first starting out and also sometimes when you're growing in your confidence as well, or trying to figure out where you want to land when it comes to your strengths and your weaknesses, where do you want to be the best at? Because I've also received feedback of areas that I need to grow in and I was like, but I actually don't want to grow in that area.

Lisa Tarkington:

But in the moment I was like, okay, I have to get better at X, y, z, but in reality I should have been able to ask the questions of OK, do we have someone to support me on this? What are the additional resources that I can have on my team to help us grow here? Because that is not a strength of mine and I don't think that I will be able to get to that level that you want me to be at. And I wish so much that someone would have trained me on how to take feedback before I would have started my career. But now that I've started it and I'm giving feedback, all of these things I want all of you to walk away with understanding how to change that mindset, because the more that you can see it as a gift and you hear that all the time.

Lisa Tarkington:

Feedback is a gift. Some feedback is, and that's how you have to kind of look at it and absorb it in different ways, but it's really amazing when you can take it. You can embrace their perspective of someone giving it to you and then also be true to yourself. And so you've probably seen and heard on these podcasts a lot that we've talked about ego at the door. We've talked about your core values, staying true to yourself, making paths for yourself.

Lisa Tarkington:

All of these are extremely important when it comes to feedback, because it's really really important that we understand who we are in the process of receiving feedback, because I will tell you, there were many years, like I said, where that wasn't where I was at, and I remember getting a piece of feedback once being like there was no context to that feedback. There was nothing more than just a sentence that someone put their opinion in my feedback process, but I didn't. It wasn't about getting defensive, I just shut down. And I look back at that now, having the confidence that I have and the skills that I have, and I wish I would have asked more questions. I wish I would have challenged even the leader on some of those comments, because it's great when you receive feedback, but it's even better when there's feedback and then, okay, how do we move forward from this? And one of the ways in the process of receiving feedback. So for me personally, I receive feedback over the phone, in emails, in conversation, all over the place, and I think one of the coolest things that someone told me recently was Lisa, you take feedback like a champ, and I remember those words so well because it took me so long to get there. And so maybe you're listening in and you're like I don't take it as a champ. Actually, that's okay, but it's about being self-aware that you don't and then doing something about it. Because if you would have met me 10 years ago, I did not take feedback like a champ. I did not have active listening skills when it came to that. I did not know how to control my emotions. Sometimes I did not know even the questions to ask, like I shared. It was all of these different feelings that kind of came in, and so one way to really grow in taking feedback is, like I said, active listening and having emotional control. No-transcript.

Lisa Tarkington:

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Lisa Tarkington:

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Lisa Tarkington:

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Lisa Tarkington:

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Lisa Tarkington:

So one of the things that we don't do enough when we receive feedback is sometimes we go right into action of oh, I got to change this. Oh, they told me I did all of these things wrong. I'm going to go into a downward spiral. Oh this, oh this. And what we need to do is just process. We live in a world of instant gratification, of I need to know, now, I need to do X, and sometimes, when we receive feedback, it's OK to process it, it's OK to say great, can we pick up this conversation later, once I process these things.

Lisa Tarkington:

The other thing to do when you're receiving feedback is, like I said, it's very essential that you listen, and it's active listening. It's being present. It's not getting ready to give your statement of defense of why you did what you did, or it's not doing anything to fight what they're saying or, honestly, be in la-la land the whole time. They're talking and giving you feedback, it's about giving that eye contact. Unless it's over the phone, I get it, but giving that eye contact in person, it's nodding, to show that you're understanding. And then one of the most powerful things you can do when receiving feedback is to summarize back what you heard, that they want you to change or something that they want you to grow in. And so for me, you could say what I hear you're saying is that I need to do X, y, z or that.

Lisa Tarkington:

When I did this, it kind of turned into this, and that opens up another conversation, because then what you're doing is allowing to actively listen, to make sure that you understood the feedback, because, again, our minds love to tell us stories and so maybe what the person was giving you feedback on, you started to tell yourself all these stories when really it was very simple or, honestly, maybe you misunderstood. You know how many times I have misunderstood feedback and I've taken it so personally when it was just very, something, very tiny, but the person giving that feedback to me didn't really know how to do that. And so it gives you a moment to kind of step back, take that burden off your shoulder of the feedback and just listen to process, taking that deep breath in and just making sure that you understand what they had shared. But then the next thing is is to understand, to also then ask questions so that you know your path moving forward, you know the expectations of you moving forward. Those are just as important because as you're listening, as you're making sure that you understand what they're saying, it's about understanding. Then, okay, now what? How am I going to move forward? Because feedback's great, but if we do nothing with it, it's just sitting there in our minds. You know, it helps a lot when we can process it, maybe put actions behind things or say, okay, that's going to sit here or I need to hire someone because I'm never going to be able to grow in that area, and that's okay. I'm going to keep saying that's okay, because there's a lot of moments where we think we have to be everything on our feedback sheets and I'm just kind of visioning a feedback sheet when I talk about this. It's very much verbal. A lot of times I receive a lot of verbal instant feedback throughout my career as well, but it's about processing it. But all of this is really important because, again, we aren't jumping to defense. We're listening fully to what's being asked of us, we're able to process the feedback before responding, and then it also gives you time and them time to really reflect on the whole conversation and put things into place.

Lisa Tarkington:

When you're doing all of this, I am well aware also that it's very hard to not feel the feels of defense. I for a long time felt like I had to justify all of my actions, everything that I did, because if someone didn't agree with me, I needed to justify it so that they would agree with me. And maybe you're listening and being like uh-huh, yep, been there. And so it's really, really hard. Also, too, when you're super passionate about something.

Lisa Tarkington:

I remember I'll never forget this conversation I was in a boardroom with a leader and I felt so strongly about something and I just kind of got ripped apart in the meeting because I was not seeing the bigger picture. I was seeing my little slice of the pie and I remember afterwards he came up to me and apologized for it. But he said you know, one of the things I would say to you is you need to start seeing bigger perspective than just your pie and piece of the pie, because I was getting so defensive that my piece of the pie wasn't bigger because I really wanted my team to succeed, but what he was doing was he was seeing the bigger perspective on things. And I'll never forget that because, first off, a leader also he gave me feedback, he gave me a different perspective. He sat me down and apologized. But also I took that moment to be like wow, I'm very passionate about this and we talked about that. I'm very passionate about my team. I really see how I can be bigger on this. But I needed to see bigger perspective, especially as I was growing in my role. But it wasn't until someone actually sat me down and said like I can feel the passion in your voice, but like here's some things to think about when you're in those types of environments. And had I not received constructive feedback, I really think I would have just been mad at the leader the whole time for not seeing what I was bringing to the table, and I would have just been mad at the leader the whole time for not seeing what I was bringing to the table, and I would have been very egotistic on all of those things. And I remember that so well because it was a moment was very pivotal for me, because I realized I needed to have a different perspective on things. Not only that, but I needed to grow in my confidence.

Lisa Tarkington:

So when you are getting very defensive, sometimes it's because sometimes we're not. We're not very confident in the decisions that we made, or we're not seeing bigger picture, or we feel like if we don't justify it, then it's wrong. And sometimes when people are giving us feedback, it's just a different perspective. It's to help us grow. But when you are very solid in your belief in your skills and your talents and have confidence in those areas, it doesn't alleviate a lot of it, because you're like well, I am good at this, I'm going to take this feedback, I'm going to become better at my role.

Lisa Tarkington:

Another area that helps you really become less defensive is back to confidence, but also like having the skills within your role. So if you're noticing like, oh, this is the feedback that I keep getting about this certain area, well, do I grow in that area, or can I hire in that area? Or what do I need to do to really grow in that? Because when you're receiving feedback in the same specific area, instead of getting defensive and saying I know I'm good at this, I know I'm good at this, it's like well, let's look at the big picture. In the last two weeks, five people have said X. I should probably take that with a grain of salt and do something about it, also utilizing your strengths.

Lisa Tarkington:

So a lot of times people focus so much on their weaknesses when it comes to feedback that we get very defensive over things. But maybe flipping the switch and looking at it from a different perspective, of wow, if I use this strength, this would probably alleviate X. Or how do I use this strength to do X? And all of those things really play into each other. So when you believe in your strengths more, when you utilize them more, when you are really focused on the job that you have and the skill that you need to have in that role, you're able to really grow in that area. And when you receive feedback on it, you're just going to grow more in that space for thinking like I'll never be able to do that. And also when you have confidence in yourself, the more that you can focus on internally, focusing on taking care of yourself, the more feedback is very easy to take.

Lisa Tarkington:

And I say that because, as someone who takes feedback, like I said so much, me focusing on these things has been a game changer, because when someone gives me feedback on a certain area where I'm like I don't even have a strength in that area, why is someone giving me feedback on that? And maybe it's sitting there being like, okay, I know I need to grow in that area or, oh, I know the business needs needs that. So how do I make that a goal for the company, versus just always having to be me? And I think that that's another piece too is really stepping back, like I said, taking that deep breath, in slowing down and asking yourself questions and processing it, because if you don't, I will tell you it's just going to keep building up and I can, like picture myself when I've allowed it to really bubble up. My heart races and my mind just goes a million miles an hour and I don't sleep, and that's not what I want for any of you guys, you know.

Lisa Tarkington:

And so when people hear the word feedback or at least I have to have a hard conversation I really, really try to help people reframe that mindset, because feedback is a gift, it's part of development, but going into it, understanding and having questions and clarifying and understanding who you are, is a game changer for all of this and through all of this, it's also about filtering the feedback. So kind of what I said like does this align to me? How do I need to handle this? Moving forward and maybe even asking questions to really help you filter those things. And I'm going to give you guys a few because I think this is really really valuable for you to have.

Lisa Tarkington:

So if someone gives you feedback on an area that they want you to improve in, maybe asking OK, what are the three ways that you see me growing in this area or this skill? And if they can give you three different ways, that's amazing because I think asking for one is just not enough, because then that's just one narrow mindset. But when you can give they can give you three different perspectives it's like, okay, these are three different things. Okay, now I'm going to go down the lane that feels best for me. Or maybe you ask can we think of three ways together that I can improve on this? Another area is when someone gives you feedback, maybe asking them so what perspective are you having when you give me this feedback? Is this around the clients? Is this around internally? What is the perspective that you're taking on this, so that I know the areas of improvement that I need to make, or what is my action plan here, and I think another question you can always ask is how would you like me to improve? What are the actions that we can put in place for me to improve on this area? What are your thoughts on me doing X, y, z to grow in this area? And these are important.

Lisa Tarkington:

As you probably noticed, I asked how questions and I asked what questions. I didn't ask why questions. So what I have found is the most powerful questions that you can ask are what questions and how questions. People are way more receptive to those because they are seeing of how we can work together, or it's just a different mind shift as well for what and how, questions versus why, and in the coaching world that I live in, we always ask what and how, questions versus why, and in the coaching world that I live in, we always ask what and how, questions versus why. Questions because it opens up conversation and when leaders don't know those things, it's like great, let's set up time and let's figure these things out.

Lisa Tarkington:

The other thing you can say to someone is thank you so much for this feedback. Give me time. I think I already said this a little bit, but I wanted to reiterate it. Thank you so much for giving me this time. I need some time to process these things, to really put together my actionable items, to really help me grow in my future goals. I also need to think of how these align to the goals that you've set for me and when you can really step aside and ask powerful questions, you can hear that confidence come out of you, and I've already kind of alluded to this, but I kind of wanted to share this end piece to. It is back to slowing down, reflecting and taking action. So action's important, but so is not taking action.

Lisa Tarkington:

So sometimes I've received feedback where it was like OK, that is, that is very much someone's opinion about something and that's OK, they need to get that off their chest. But I put that in the pile of. That was not helpful. Sometimes people have given me feedback and maybe it wasn't helpful. So I ask follow-up questions. Okay, when you're seeing this and thank you so much for the feedback what should I be doing differently to really improve in this area? Do you have any thoughts or tips to really help me do that? And the more that you open the conversation up. It allows for a conversation and it helps you internally a little bit more. And it helps you the more that you reflect to put an action plan together and the more that you can do that.

Lisa Tarkington:

Then you can go back and say to your leader or say to someone I took your feedback and here's the areas that I've grown in. This is what I'm doing. Differently. Are you seeing the results that you've asked of me as well? And while I've alluded a lot to a lot of things that you should be doing to receive feedback, I know that there's a lot of leaders out there that are also giving feedback, so it's a two-way street sometimes, but it's all about learning how to take feedback first, because even leaders need to learn how to take it before they can start to give more feedback.

Lisa Tarkington:

And the other thing to also ask and I've alluded to this a little bit already but if there's any part of the feedback that you're getting that is unclear, do not hesitate to seek clarification. Again, if there's any part of feedback that is not clear to you, do not hesitate to seek clarification. Maybe ask for specific examples, maybe ask of suggested improvements, maybe ask questions to very much. Be a little bit more clear so that when you're walking away, you're like I have no idea why I got that feedback. That made no sense to me. You want everything to be kind of laid out there so that you know what the expectations are of you moving forward. Because, again, we have to kind of filter through the mind all of this type of feedback that we're getting. But the more that we are very much aligned to our zone of genius which we've talked about before, more to our confidence, more to our skills, more to our strengths, the more that we are able to take this feedback in, filter it, how we need to filter it and then put actions behind the things that we need to grow in.

Lisa Tarkington:

The other thing, too, is when we do get feedback. Sometimes it's really cool. We can go back and say I took that feedback and I made X Y Z changes. Or OK, I took that feedback and I made X Y Z changes. Or, okay, I've made those feedbacks. Do you have anything else? People love to know that you've actually listened to their feedback as well, because then they're also seeing like, wow, they took feedback and they did something about it.

Lisa Tarkington:

So to wrap up this big, powerful conversation about feedback and not being defensive and really taking it in. I hope it kind of took that burden off those shoulders, because I want you to know that the biggest goal I've had for myself is really making sure that I'm true to myself and when I receive feedback, it's always helped me with my development and that's what I want for all of you. So please remember to embrace feedback and when you handle it with confidence, I promise you it significantly enhances your personal and professional growth and please share with me how you are utilizing these different things and these different perspectives to bring clarity to your feedback, to ask more questions and to really dive into it, because I can promise you, when you get less defensive, when you really take this feedback in again, it's changed my life completely and that's what I want for all of you. So, like I always say, remember to always spread love and kindness to everybody that you meet.

Lisa Tarkington:

Thank you so much for tuning in today and make sure that you should subscribe to our podcast. Have a great day. Thank you for tuning into the Confident Podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, don't forget to subscribe, leave a review, follow the confident podcast on Instagram and Tik TOK and share it with those who might benefit. Also, if you were looking to work one-on-one with me, message and follow me on Instagram at Lisa Tarkington official. Stay confident, stay inspired until next time. Keep striving to be the best version of yourself. Take care.

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