The Confident Podcast

EP 172 | Reframe Your Mindset: How to Shift Your Approach on Difficult Conversations

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Raise your hand if you’ve ever struggled with having difficult conversations—whether it’s an issue with a team member, confronting a colleague, or standing up for yourself. It’s easy to avoid these hard talks, but in this week's episode, we give you practical strategies for navigating difficult conversations to help you to tackle issues head-on. Don’t let fear hold you back -  learn how to communicate effectively and confidently!

Chapters:

  • 0:00 Intro
  • 5:24 Taking Fear Out of Difficult Conversations
  • 13:40 Mindset and Approach in Conversation
  • 22:14 Effective Communication Strategies for Difficult Conversations
  • 27:45 Key Takeaways & Outro


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Lisa:

I want you to picture you in a room that's dark, it's cold and you're talking to someone one-on-one. They're coming off in a very strong, direct way and you weren't ready for it. It's probably not going to feel the best. But if you're in a room that's warm, that doesn't feel so dark and cold, and someone's trying to have a harder conversation with you, it's just going to feel a little bit different. The words that we say matter. How much we say matters. Welcome to the Confident Podcast. I am Lisa Tarkington, your guide to mastering confidence and leadership. As the business and life coach keynote speaker and the driving force behind LEAD, I am here to help you break free from self-doubt, silence the imposter syndrome and step into your power as the person you're meant to be. If you press play today, it's because you're ready for something bigger.

Lisa:

Each week, I'll bring you real raw conversations and actionable insights that will empower you to redefine your leadership, reclaim your confidence and transform into the unstoppable force you've always known that you could be. This isn't just another podcast. It's a journey we're on together, so buckle up and let's dive into this transformation. Your next level awaits. Hi everybody, welcome to another episode of the Confident Podcast. I'm your host, Lisa Tarkington, and this is the place where we talk about confidence, we talk about leadership, we talk about well-being and literally everything in between. I share stories of my own journey. I talk about some amazing things happening in my organization to help all of you just really tangible things that can really help you grow as an individual. Today's topic actually comes from the things that I see through, what I do on a daily basis. So I have been having lots of conversations recently with clients, with listeners from the podcast who have reached out, as well as workplaces that I support, and in each conversation they have just been so amazing.

Lisa:

But there's been this one common challenge and that they struggle to have difficult conversations. Raise your hand if that is you, because I know for years that was something that was really hard for me, and it's still not easy, but I'm much better than where I was, and so whether that means that you're having a difficult time addressing something with a team member or confronting a colleague or even standing up for yourself. Maybe you feel stuck or unsure of how to have this conversation without causing conflict. So I know that this happens a lot because we kind of get into our heads and we think about all the what ifs right. We give ourselves all of these moments where we're already picturing ourselves having this conversation and we're playing it out in our minds. So when that happens we can also talk ourselves out of having the conversation because it's really good, for I'm not going to say good. It's very easy for us to avoid tough conversations because I myself can make up all the excuses of why I'm not going to do it. I can also think about why it doesn't matter or it will pass, anything that I want to do to just keep the peace between people, because sometimes I'm a people pleaser, as many people are, and I guess I'm not even going to say people pleaser all the time. It's because we care. We care so much and we want to make sure that whenever we're having a hard conversation, that that person feels that. So you know again, we will do anything to avoid it, but what it does is it holds us back, and I guess for a long time I didn't realize how that was.

Lisa:

Really holding me back was because I was continuously avoiding the conversations I need to have. Or I always say to all my coaching clients it's really easy to continue to put a Band-Aid on something, but sometimes we just need to rip that off and have those conversations. And by doing all of that and by kind of avoiding the conversation, I always tell people sometimes we build that resentment up a little bit and then at the same time, because I didn't have the conversations that need to be had, I sometimes would miss out on opportunities in my life, and that is not what I want for all of you. I do not want you to miss out on moments or things that you want in your life because you're afraid to have the conversations. And you might have heard a little bit about this already from me when we talked about feedback in an episode, but I think it goes the same for having hard and difficult conversations. So what we want to talk about today is going to be pretty, pretty incredible. So I hear all the time from people. You know what things that I've learned from my own journey, what I see in individuals and the people that I work with.

Lisa:

But difficult conversations don't have to become from a source of fear. There are things that many times people don't. People look at having those conversations and they're scared to have them. But let me tell you guys that difficult conversations don't have to be from a source of fear. They do not, and I really really want you guys to know that, because today we're really going to approach how to teach you guys to have the right mindset and tools that can be so powerful when you're having conversations. Then conversations that kind of don't feel so great sometimes, but they help with connection and they help with transformation, and this is what I continue to help my clients with every day. That's, empowering them to approach these conversations with confidence and grace. So, as a leader in the professional development world, I have seen incredible shifts happen when someone learns how to navigate these moments with clarity and respect, and it's not just about addressing the issue at hand, it's about leading in a way that leaves everyone involved feeling respected and understood. So if this resonates with you and you're tired of shying away from those tough conversations, you are in for a treat today, because we are going to be talking about the art of difficult conversations, how to approach confrontation with confidence and grace. And yes, guys, I am solo. Today we are going to have a solo conversation to help you guys explore practical strategies to really help ensure that you can address all these issues head on while maintaining respect and professionalism. So, again, after this episode, if you're feeling like you know what I probably need some additional support, please reach out. I am here to help you. You can message me on Instagram at LisaTarkingtonOfficial, just DM me, or you can email me at lisa at leadconfidentlyorg, to help you dive deeper. So let's get into today's conversation. So it is about the art of difficult conversations and how to approach confrontation with confidence and grace.

Lisa:

First off, I want to share how uncomfortable I used to get when it came to conflict, so, literally, anxiety would come into my body. I'm like picturing myself in these moments when I was really scared to have conflicting conversations. Right, I would always overthink it, I would talk myself out of those conversations already shared that but I would give myself the most logical explanations possible as to why I didn't need to have that conversation. But I also can just like feel it in my body, the moments where it would just fuel inside of me Like I would just like continue to think about, like I need to have this conversation. I need to have this conversation, and then again I would tell myself all the stories of why I didn't, and I would lose a lot of sleep over things. Right, and that's not what I want for all of you guys, and I've heard from a lot of my listeners so far that many of you guys are staying up at night thinking about all the things that you have conflict with, but you're too scared to have those conversations, and so I won't say that I'm perfect now, but that's because I think I'm human and because I care so much about this space. But I feel a lot more confident, comfortable and truly I've changed my whole perspective about difficult conversations.

Lisa:

You know, even a month ago, I had to have a really tough conversation, and how I handled it was completely different than what I would have a year ago, definitely 10 years ago, and honestly, 15 years ago I wouldn't even have had the conversation, I would have continued to avoid it, and so what I wanted to do today was give you guys some tools, some very, very specific things that can help you Now with anything that you guys learn on this podcast. It's about how you then take it and implement it into your life. It will not be perfect in the beginning. You Now with anything that you guys learn on this podcast. It's about how you then take it and implement it into your life. It will not be perfect in the beginning. I will tell you, the first time I started to implement changing and seeing the conversations a little bit differently. It wasn't perfect. I still had those moments but again, I didn't give up. I continue to have them.

Lisa:

You know, I was just talking to someone yesterday on the phone. They called me at like 8 o'clock last night, ironically, and they just had a really difficult conversation. And he said to me he's like this is probably the hardest conversation I've ever had to have in my entire life. And then I reminded him that a year ago he said the same thing and I said you're going to continue to have to have hard conversations, but I just want you to be so proud of what you've done. Every time you haven't shied away from it.

Lisa:

And he goes yeah, if you would have met me or he's I mean, I didn't know him, but he's like you know, 10 years ago I wouldn't even have had that conversation. I would have just continued to give myself excuses. And I said I know, and look at how far you've come. And he's like these are really hard conversations to have. And I said but how do you feel? He's like. You know, I'm a little emotional, but because of the way that I've changed my perspective, I've really started to see my worth and start to go after some self-respect. And watching him evolve has been amazing and many of you guys will continue to feel that way. It's just having the conversations one time after another.

Lisa:

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Lisa:

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Lisa:

One of the things I am most proud of is how I continue to put personal development at the forefront of my growth. I know this is something many people struggle with, because we don't always know where to start. There's almost too much information out there. It can become overwhelming and requires research to ensure credibility. I also want something that's accessible anytime and that I can pick back up where I left off. Not only has this been my personal experience, but I've had countless individuals reach out to me for resources. This is why I'm so excited to share with you Lead Within, an online membership platform created for adults, parents and teenagers. It empowers adults in their personal and professional growth, guides parents to nurture resilience in their children and supports teenagers throughout transformative phases. If you are struggling with confidence, self-doubt or stress, lead Within offers practical tools. This platform has content covering a wide range of topics and interactive learning resources. With continuous updates of fresh content, your growth journey never ends. Today, we are offering you 50% off your first month of membership. This takes the cost down to just $5. So visit leadconfidentlyorg, backslash leadwithin, and use the promo code podcast50. Again, that's promo code podcast50 to unlock your potential today. Together, let's thrive, grow and lead with confidence.

Lisa:

And so the first thing that I always teach all my coaching clients and anybody that comes to me for this is we have to talk about your mindset. Your mindset has to be a shift. So even before you have the conversation, your mindset is key. So you need to be in a good mindset because when you are not, you will not be effective and you will probably say things that sometimes are not nice or necessary. Sometimes it's because we start to ramble. Sometimes we kind of say like a lot of good, then we kind of like say bad, then we say good again. Or sometimes we're so fired up that we say everything that we wish we wouldn't have said. And you know, just a few weeks ago I was in a mental headspace of just feeling overwhelmed. Honestly, I had one of those days and I knew in that moment that my mindset was not in a good place and I was going gonna have to have some hard conversations in the afternoon. But I knew where my mindset was and I just told myself, like you know what, this conversation does not need to happen today because I am not gonna be in a good headspace. And so I shifted that and I had to refocus myself. For the rest of the day I didn't have that conversation and I kept working on that mindset. And I will tell you, I had it a week later and it was like the easiest conversation ever, but it was also because I was in a good mindset. You know, not only that, but not only do we have to be in a good mindset, but we also have to make sure that we're coming in it from a, from a perspective of where we are. But where is that person? You know we are.

Lisa:

I'm really big on making sure that people see different perspectives. All of my clients know that, like you'll always get different perspectives from me, because it's our way of just seeing. Like it's not just a vision, a tunnel vision, but there's other perspectives to see, and so you also have to then work on okay, I might not be in a headspace, but is this person that I'm about to meet with or have that conversation with in a good headspace? So giving yourself perspective and understanding that I was just talking to someone the other day that was sharing with me, like, yeah, I was not in a good headspace and someone needed to have a hard conversation with me, but I wasn't ready for it, and that's tough right, because I know that that person probably wanted to get that off their chest, but it wasn't as effective of a conversation because that person wasn't ready for it. So that's just something else for us to think about is like thinking about the other person as well part of that conversation and getting ourselves in a good mindset there.

Lisa:

So another thing to think about when you think of mindset is I always hear people say, lisa, I don't like confrontation. That's the like, the thing I hear all the time, and I was like OK, so what we do a lot of times is try to help people reframe their mindset with that. So maybe it's having a conversation about problem solving. So that's not confrontation, that's having a problem and trying to find a solution. Maybe you are just having a constructive feedback conversation. So whatever words you need to do to remind yourself that this doesn't have to be confrontation, because that sometimes has like a negative notion to it. And so I try to remind people like just kind of looking at it a little bit differently, because the minute you can shift what type of conversation you're going to have, the words flow out differently, your body language changes and that's kind of just a different approach to it. But your mindset has to be there. It also again has to do with the language and the energy that you bring into the room. So the minute that you start to shift that mindset, your energy is also going to change, because you're putting in the work first on yourself and you're also thinking about the other person's perspective.

Lisa:

And I will tell you, when I started to do this and really focus on my mindset and making those changes, it was a game changer for me. I was able to resolve issues, I was able to strengthen relationships, even through those hard conversations, and also I was able to clear air on things that maybe I was just making assumptions on. Because again, that's another thing a lot of times is we put all of these thoughts into our head about confrontation. Really, we've just made assumptions and we don't even actually know the truth. So what that's done for me is help me remind myself of all of these things. But that also is with your mindset. So I literally just taught this.

Lisa:

Yesterday I was teaching an intention setting workshop where we were talking about mindfulness, and it comes back to mindset being mindful with your intentions. Again, what are you trying to resolve? How is this conversation going to help strengthen that relationship and how are you going to be able to clear the air and then it's again letting go of all the anxiety that comes with it. And, guys, last thing I say to you, a lot is taking that deep breath in. So when you think about mindset, that's going to be very, very key for you.

Lisa:

So the next piece I want to talk about is how to approach the conversation. So preparation is essential, because if you do not know what you're going to be talking about, you're going to kind of go all over the place. I kind of call it my squirrel brain, right when we just are trying to go a mile a minute. And you can probably tell I'm a little pumped about this conversation. I've also had a few Americanos this morning, but this is just a topic that's really, really powerful for me, and so it's about thinking about your points that you want to get across.

Lisa:

But also, how are you going to approach the dialogue with an open mind, because this is not just a one-way street, this is a two-way street when you're having this conversation. So being prepared for how you're going to approach the conversation. So what is the goal? What is making you need to have this conversation. So asking yourself these things what is the issue that needs to be resolved, what is the outcome that you want? And then also asking that of the same person. So sometimes we're coming into the approach. Sometimes it's two people that know that they need to have the conversation. So if you can talk about it right from the beginning, what is the outcome that we're hoping? What would make this conversation successful? I'm going to tell you it's going to be a successful conversation because you've already set the tone of what you want.

Lisa:

You know, one strategy that I recommend is acknowledging again some common ground or mutual goals. Again, like, what is the ultimate plan for how you're going to approach the conversation? Now, it's a little bit different between telling yourself 17 different scenarios of what could happen, but it's preparing yourself, of understanding. Okay, I need to have this conversation because we need to be successful on this project. I need to have this conversation because we're just not aligning and our communication is just not working right now. So understanding why you're having the conversation will help you a lot with your approach. It also is going to be so important to your tone in your voice, your body language and then making sure that this conversation is not about me versus someone, but how do we come together to make something really, really powerful? So when you can start to do that, when you can start to express what your intentions are to find a solution to the problem, and you can do it in a calming way, that is key. So, again, if you're feeling like your mindset's not in a good place, then you will not be able to approach the conversation a very powerful way or one with solutions.

Lisa:

And that's the other thing, too is people are scared to have these conversations because they have all of these stories that they've told themselves, they have all of these things fueling, but they haven't sat down and been like well, what is the goal of it? Why do I want to have this conversation? And the more that you can do that. It kind of just like takes a calming piece down because you're like well, this is the goal, this is where I want to go with this conversation. And finally, I want to talk about how do we shift the energy from confrontation to collaboration. I love collaboration. I love when people can come together to find common ground. So language is key, right, like? We just talked a little bit about that.

Lisa:

But instead of thinking about confrontation, I'm going to continue to give you guys some other words. View it as a constructive conversation, discussion, whatever you need to do to feel a little bit better. So again, that's key. It's going to have to be what works best for you, because really it's what it is. Is it's changing the mindset, right? How do I go from thinking that this is confrontation to a collaboration? And we've talked a little bit about this already, but I kind of want to elaborate on this because I will tell you, energy is key.

Lisa:

I want you to picture you in a room that's dark, it's cold and you're talking to someone one-on-one. They're coming off in a very strong, direct way and you weren't ready for it. It's probably not going to feel the best. But if you're in a room that's warm, that doesn't feel so dark and cold, and someone's trying to have a harder conversation with you, it's just going to feel a little bit different.

Lisa:

The words that we say matter. How much we say matters, and also there's power in pause. You guys heard that yesterday or last week in our episode. But your body language matters, your tone matters. Honestly, I also remind people sometimes where the conversation happens matters. So I know we live in a virtual world so we can't always do it in person. But if you can do it in person and like, how are? How is the room set up? Like, how are you having that conversation If it's via phone call, making sure that that person is in the right space, too right, because you want this to be a collaboration, not a confrontation, and same thing on the screen.

Lisa:

So there's a variety of different ways, but I will tell you it really, really matters and that's because when someone's coming at you very strong and in a very direct confrontational way, the immediate thing we do is guess what? We put up our defenses, kind of like an animal right. We put up our defenses and we're not the person listening and hearing this doesn't want to make changes. Because there you're, coming to it from it, from a place of sometimes fear, sometimes that not thought through and just a little bit more angry. And so all of those things matter because then you come in with ease and grace, you come in as a collaboration and again you understand the approach that you already want to take to the conversation, take to the conversation, and it also helps with taking out the victim mindset, pointing fingers and doing the blame game, which I'm very, very much like. I want.

Lisa:

I like to stay away from as much negative energy as possible. So, the more that I can like work on that and stay away from those things. I've seen so much more productivity with these conversations. So, again, when you approach this conversation in collaboration, you are going to be more of an active listener, you are going to be more empathetic and you are going to seek solutions versus going in of pointing fingers and having that blame game. And guys, it's going to benefit everybody if you do that everybody involved, because the minute that you approach it differently, that person is going to go back and talk about their experience. And if you are so fired up, you know that it's not going to go the way that you've told yourself that it is. But having self-awareness to understand that gosh, I need to fix my mindset before I do this. Okay, I need to think about how I'm going to approach this conversation and I need to think about my energy. It is going to be a game changer for you on how you approach every conversation moving forward and I've seen this a lot in the mindset shift work that I do with my clients They'll go from dreading these conversations to really embracing it.

Lisa:

I was just talking to one the other day and she's like I can do this. I have really hard conversations now and I had another guy say the same thing, and it's all because of how they've been open to look inward and look at it a little bit differently, and so I also recommend a lot of practice. So sometimes what we have to do is kind of visualize it for ourselves. My husband gets practice sometimes, meaning I practice on him, knowing that it will never go perfect with the scenarios that we put in our brains. I always like to remind people that, but sometimes I just need to work on my wording a little bit so that I kind of get some of that fired up feeling out of me. And so I promise you that this is just a start, right, like it's going to take you some time to get comfortable with it. But the more that you do this, you're going to knock down your own walls that you have when it comes to confrontation, and you are going to knock down the walls of those that you are working with, which is so powerful, and again it takes it from confrontation to collaboration and you are going to have so much more confident in the skills that you bring to the table for it.

Lisa:

So key takeaways from today so you guys know that I love to just like make sure that you walk away with what you need to be doing to really make positive changes into your life. And so the first one is again that mindset shift. How are you going to reframe that conversation that we have with ourselves and in our minds, to picture the conversations from confrontation to collaboration discussion? How are you going to approach it? So how are you going to prepare to focus on common goals? And what is the problem and how are we going to make it a solution? What's the solution we're going to look at? And then the other one was the language and energy. How is my tone? What's the energy that I'm going to have? What is my language that I'm going to use to really reduce that tension? And so, as we wrap up today's episode, I want you to feel empowered and I hope that you are ready to tackle difficult conversations with newfound confidence, because that's what I want for all of you. That's why we're called the Confident Podcast is so that you can start to have confidence within yourself.

Lisa:

Just recently, I got a text message from someone that I was chatting with one of our listeners and just watching her confidence and her belief in herself, after having some really difficult conversations, I just want to commend her so much, I'm so proud of her and I'm so happy that the podcast has been able to help her. But again, dm me whenever you need some support. That's why I built this, because I want people to know that they aren't alone. So thank you so much for spending time with me and if you ever need support, please reach out to me again. On Instagram, dm me at Lisa Tarkington it's Lisa Tarkington official. Wow, messed that up. As well as email me at Lisa atarkington it's Lisa Tarkington official. Wow, messed that up. As well as email me at lisa at leadconfidentlyorg.

Lisa:

So one last thing if today resonated with you, I really want you to check out the Lead Within membership platform as well. I've talked about it a few times on this podcast, but it's to help you go deeper, it's to help you reflect, it's to help you really know that confrontation and all of these things that we talk about on this podcast are in many different topics. They're in leadership, they're in our confidence, they're in our self-esteem all of these different things and I just want to help you on your journey. So please reach out so that I can help you lead with purpose and have confidence. So remember you are deserving of the confidence that you seek. Keep showing up, keep pushing forward and know that I am here cheering you on every step of the way and, as I always say, continue to spread love and kindness to everybody that you meet, including yourself. You got this. Thank you for joining me on this episode of the Confident Podcast.

Lisa:

If today's episode resonated with you, head over to leadconfidentlyorg for today's show notes, along with discounts to our services. Don't forget to hit the subscribe button, leave a review and follow us on Instagram and YouTube. At the Confident Podcast, your feedback means the world to me and it helps more people discover the show. And hey, if you're feeling inspired to dive deeper, let's connect. You can find me on Instagram at LisaTarkingtonOfficial. Drop me a message and let's explore how I can support your journey to confidence and leadership. Remember you have the power to choose confidence every single day. Keep showing up, keep striving and keep believing in your potential. I'm cheering you on and I'll see you next time.

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