Ep. 34: Siblings of Autism: Honest Reflections Growing Up with an Autistic Brother

🎙 In this special episode, Audra interviews her daughter about growing up with an autistic brother. From navigating childhood to building a unique bond, they dive deep into the joys, challenges, and how autism shaped their family dynamics. Honest, funny, and heartfelt, this episode offers a sibling’s candid (very!) perspective on life with an autistic brother.

Key Points:
🏡 Early Realizations: What it was like to grow up with an autistic sibling from an early age.
💡 Shifting Attention: Navigating the feelings of being the younger sibling when much attention was focused on her brother.
🎮 Finding Connection: How video games and other activities helped build their sibling bond.
🤝 The Emotional Impact: Reflections on how she coped with the challenges and changes in their relationship.
🧠 Growing Together: How the sibling relationship evolved into adulthood and how it shaped their family.
❤️ Advice for Other Siblings: Patience, kindness, and the hope that relationships can change over time.
📣 Words for Parents: Insights into what helped and what parents can do to support siblings of autistic children.

Tune in for an episode full of raw, real sibling experiences, and see how the lessons learned in childhood continue to impact their family today. 🌟

💥Helpful Resources:
My Student - Learn about YOUR students' families! 📝 – Grab your free set of forms to help gain some valuable info from the home front. You might learn something new!
Daily Reports 🗂️ – Or check out these home communication sheets to keep those lines of communication open!


Last week's episode was on Conducting Direction Observations. Go catch it now! 
Next week will be Gathering A-B-C and Initial Data. Keep your eye out!

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Transcript

Audra Jr: [00:00:00] We, we moved in and Isaak got like the downstairs area that had this like huge space for like his, his ABA. And I was really mad. 

Audra Sr: I didn't know that. 

Audra Jr: I was like, wow, like, they do not care about me.

There's like, it's like the focus. 

Audra Sr: I had no idea. 

Intro: Welcome to the Misfit Behaviorist podcast part two. Join your hosts, Audra Jensen and Sami Brown here to bring you fun and functional advice for behavior support professionals and special education teachers. Let's get started.

Audra Sr: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the Misfit Behaviors, and we have a very special guest today because Sami got herself the COVID, so she is out this week. So I asked my wonderful daughter to come on and to answer a few questions about growing up with an autistic brother. And I thought it'd be really funny.

And as I was sitting here waiting for you to come on, oh, by the way, say hi. Hi. 

Audra Jr: Hi. 

Audra Sr: As I was sitting here waiting for you to come on and like scrolling on [00:01:00] Facebook and this meme came up and it totally made me laugh. 

Audra Jr: My mom didn't raise a dummy and she, oh I can't read it I'm sorry. 

Audra Sr: It says my mom didn't raise a dummy and if she did it was my brother.

Audra Jr: Oh that's good. 

Audra Sr: Oh, that's really funny. So I came up with, and this will be really short and just fun, take a break from everything we've been talking about. And I came up with 10 quick questions that I don't think I've ever asked you straight up. And so just quick questions about what it was like growing up and you can be brutally honest.

Audra Jr: I can. Yes. Okay. 

Audra Sr: Yes, you can. Okay. So Question number one. How did having an autistic brother shape your childhood experiences, both at home and like in social settings? How did it shape your experiences?

Audra Jr: It's hard to, to know. Cause like, I always had an autistic brother, I was the younger sibling. So like, I think pretty much from when I was born, you knew he was autistic or at least really, really soon [00:02:00] after.

So he was always in my life and always a part of it. So I never had like a few years where I didn't have an autistic sibling. So I'd like to think that I grew up the same as everybody else. I don't, I don't see my upbringing as being any different. 

Audra Sr: Do you remember like when you knew that something was different with him as other brothers?

Audra Jr: Not like, not an exact time, I wouldn't say but I would say around the age of maybe six to seven. I think it took a little bit. And it wasn't like, he's not the same as other brothers. It was like, I don't know. He's, he's different. 

Audra Sr: The bond. 

Audra Jr: Yeah, it was just, it was, it was very different. 

Audra Sr: You remember that, that one video that you've seen a million times that I have, and it's probably about that age, and you were like, maybe you were four ish, 

you guys had been playing and he had been acting out some video [00:03:00] game or something. And you just really wanted to connect with him. And there's this whole conversation about, and it's hard to understand his language exactly because he obviously, his language just delayed, but he was saying things like I'm victorious. I won or whatever it was. And 

Audra Jr: it sounded like very scripted. Like it's exactly what the video game was, but yeah, just the way he was speaking. 

Audra Sr: And you were trying to engage him in like actual pretend play, like, let's do this together. And come on, we're on the same team. And he's just going on and on about he's victorious. 

[video clip]

Audra Jr: Come on, Isaak! 

Isaak: But, I'm victorious! 

Audra Sr: Then you play another game. Hmm. 

Isaak: Victory's mine. 

Audra Jr: Victory is not yours. Yeah. 

[unintelligible]. 

Isaak: Yeah. I earned fifteen thousand points. [00:04:00] Whoa.

Audra Jr: I wanna be victorious, too. 

[end video clip]

Audra Sr: And it made you so sad. And That video breaks my heart every time I see it because he has no idea the impact that his lack of connection is having with you. I mean, he's completely happy. He's having a blast and and then he and I think my favorite part, though, is that he kind of in his way tries to figure out how to connect with you.

So, because you're like saying, you know, We're on the same team. And he's like, no, I'm victorious. And, and you're like, I want to be victorious too. It was so cute. But then he's like, he brings over a DVD case or something and tries to create your building. He says, this is yours. Yeah, he w he didn't want to be the same one.

Cause he didn't want to take away from his victory, but he was trying to kind of his way to, I'm trying to bring you into my world, but it's really [00:05:00] hard. 

Yes, it took me a little bit longer. just because I didn't see as many other people's relationships.

Yeah, and you were a kid. 

Audra Jr: Once I started going to school, I think. Yeah. 

Audra Sr: And you didn't have any other siblings, so it's just the two of you. 

Audra Jr: No, it was just us. So I didn't really, I mean, I had cousins and stuff, but they're all a little weird too. So, it's like, I never saw anyone. 

Audra Sr: Not untrue. Okay, question number two. Yeah. Well, we kind of covered what are some of your earliest memories. Is that kind of your earliest memory of him? 

Audra Jr: One of the main ones, which is really sad and it shouldn't be this. But I think it was the Bellevue house. We, we moved in and Isaak got like the downstairs area that had this like huge space for like his, his ABA. And I was really mad. 

Audra Sr: I didn't know that. 

Audra Jr: I was like, wow, like, they do not care about me.

There's like, it's like the focus. 

Audra Sr: I had no idea. 

Audra Jr: I know, but it's like, from, you know, what, five, six years old, it's like. Yeah. The attention was a lot of the times on him, especially at that age. [00:06:00] And I got over that. 

Audra Sr: Oh yeah, but that's, you're a normal kid. Those are normal reactions.

Audra Jr: Yeah, so, especially like, at that age, it was, it was really impactful for me to be like, Like, I'm the younger sibling. I feel like I should be getting more attention. But I wasn't. I was handling life pretty well, I guess. 

Audra Sr: I tried over the years, and tell me how I did, of making an effort, and both of us did, Dave and I both, in trying to make sure that you had Special experiences that we didn't even have with him.

So like we I would especially and I still do we'd like go on vacations and stuff together just you and I and get dates with you. And I think we we tried to be mindful of that because of that reason. I mean, we couldn't not do the therapies and all the attention. And he commanded so much attention, you know, every day all day 

Audra Jr: The therapy made a difference. I think the person he is today as an adult is so much further along than he hadn't had all that therapy. So it was all in all good for him. But yeah, I noticed as a kid that I was, I was cared about. 

Audra Sr: [00:07:00] Well, that's good. How about now? 

Audra Jr: Yeah, especially now. It's, you know, It's even like, probably a little bit more uneven the other way, just because we hang out a lot. We're really close. 

Audra Sr: I think, I think that's happened because our relationship I think was shaped a lot by the impact of having that in the home and the amount of stress that was on us that I think I leaned on you more as a peer. As especially as you got a little bit older is, I think our relationship from mother daughter changed pretty quickly into friend to friend.

And I think we've always been that way. A lot of our relationship, I think, comes from having that experience, having him in the house and he's wonderful. And we love him. And he actually, for an autistic man is very affectionate and loving and he's fantastic in that way. But I think because of so much attention that we had for him, I think I leaned on you a lot as a peer, as a friend to kind of go through that experience together. 

Audra Jr: Yeah, I think it's probably similar, but not as strong from my side Just cuz like he was the [00:08:00] only sibling I had it's like I couldn't really turn to him for a lot of things Especially like the emotional things and the connection so I turned to you and it worked out.

Audra Sr: Mm hmm. It did. Okay. Here's another one This is kind of Sort of what we talked about, were there times when you felt like you had to take on more responsibilities or act as a caregiver to him? I don't know that we ever put you in that position. 

Audra Jr: I don't think so. Like, maybe if I was the older, like, for sure, I think I probably would have.

But being like two years younger, like. Yeah. It felt like a pretty big age gap for a long time. And then by the time we got into high school, like he was, he was done. 

Audra Sr: Right, right. You know, what's interesting though, is this actually related to that. We have you as our executor of our estate instead of him, which is kind of reversed.

You'd normally have kind of, you know, the oldest child, not that it really matters, but I think being who you are and your experiences in life where I trust that you will be able to take care of his needs in that situation, hopefully it doesn't ever happen because dad and I are going to live forever.

Just so you [00:09:00] know, we're going to use up all of our money and make sure that there's nothing for you anyway. So yeah, 

Audra Jr: I don't want inheritance, 

Audra Sr: but if we do fall down in the airport or in the airplane when, and you're in charge of things. And, and I think your role would be not necessarily as a caregiver because he can live independently, but to make sure that, that all the legal stuff is taken care of and the finances are taken care of and keep an eye on him. So

Did you ever have to explain his autism to friends? 

Audra Jr: Probably? Actually, I explain it probably more now than I did, in high school or anything. I don't know. He was old enough that not a lot of, my friends 

Audra Sr: Didn't really interact? 

Audra Jr: No, there wasn't a lot of interaction. But whenever I bring up to like my friends, like my brother has autism, and then I, you know, I say he's living alone, he lives, he's in Phoenix right now, and so it was sort of when I describe it, it's like, He's, he's autistic, but like, he's independent. He's doing a good job. That's sort of how I describe it now. 

Audra Sr: And what are some of the challenges that you faced in, in that experience growing up and how did you cope [00:10:00] with them?

Audra Jr: I think most of them were when I was really young and it did affect how, Our relationship developed as we got older and it affects how it is now. It's like we were very affectionate when, when we were young. I pretty much worshipped the ground he walked on. 

Like, especially as like a little like four or five year old. I think I'm a really picky eater because he was a really picky eater. 

Audra Sr: It's probably true. 

Audra Jr: I believe that 100%. It's a detriment for sure. But you know, as I've aged, I've, I've gotten better at that and other things I've adjusted to. But there was a certain point, you're going to be sad, I'm sorry, there was a certain point where probably around the age of like five or six that I realized that he couldn't like love me the same way as I like loved him.

And that's when I really started to like shut down being mean to him. 

Audra Sr: Yeah pulled away. 

Audra Jr: Yeah. I pulled away. It's like it wasn't being reciprocated and I was getting to the point where I realized [00:11:00] that. So we fought a lot. I would say elementary, like, maybe late elementary school, 

Audra Sr: I don't remember a lot of fights, more of just separation.

Audra Jr: Separation, he did scratch me majorly a few times and things like that. And that really made me mad. 

Audra Sr: Oh, yeah. 

Audra Jr: But that was probably, like, the end of elementary school, most that happened. And I would provoke him. It was 100 percent provoked. Just like, you know, like I would push, push, push every single button in my head.

Audra Sr: Well, you're getting a connection. 

Audra Jr: An arm something and he'd like leave like, like nail marks. And it's like, it's completely my fault. 

Audra Sr: No, you were looking for a connection. We talk about that as a function of behavior. That is one of the functions. And you got a reaction. You got attention. That was a physical connection.

Audra Jr: Yeah. And like our relationship never completely recovered. I think he probably thinks I still hate him. And it's like, I don't. 

Audra Sr: I don't think he would think that much about it. 

Audra Jr: Okay. 

Audra Sr: No, you know, he's [00:12:00] really sweet though. I doubt, I doubt very much that he would think anything other than you have a great relationship.

Audra Jr: Okay that makes me feel better. And I feel like I'm the one who probably understands him the most, like maybe even because we do have a lot of similar interests. I love video games and Not football, but like some of the things that he loved as a kid because he loved them like so i'm able to To connect with him sort of a little bit on that level And when he does and says things, it's like I grew up with him and I sort of know exactly how he's thinking and what he's thinking.

Audra Sr: And that's kind of the next one is, you know, any moments that brought you closer as siblings. We did bond as a family with video games. 

Audra Jr: Yeah, those Halo nights. 

Audra Sr: The Halo nights, that's what I was thinking of. 

Audra Jr: Fusion Frenzy. 

Audra Sr: Dad, oh yeah, Fusion Frenzy, that was a great one, but dad would create that Halo map that was just for the four of us and nobody else could get in there and he would make it so that the guy who was winning was handicapped with like [00:13:00] extra battle, whatever, anyway, however, 

Audra Jr: We called it gimpy leader 

Audra Sr: because Isaak was so good at video games we couldn't play with him unless we put a handicap on him.

But yeah, those were the way that we bonded. We bonded with video games, with board games , that's how the family bonded. So we figured it out. 

Audra Jr: Yeah, for sure. 

Audra Sr: What advice would you give other siblings?

Audra Jr: I would say just be patient. Like, I wasn't a very patient kid. I wasn't a very kind kid at some point. So if I had just, like, been more patient and more responsive and caring, I think a lot of things would have gone differently. But ask that. It's like, things Probably will get better. Like, I can't promise that every autistic kid is going to, like, grow into a functioning adult. Like, that's not going to happen. It'll probably get better to some degree, though. And relationships change a lot when you become adults. Like, especially, like, with [00:14:00] parents and stuff. But I know even for non autistic families, it's like, you might hate your siblings as a kid, but once you grow up, it's like, you're fine.

Audra Sr: What would you say to parents of siblings? So what would you say to the me's of the world out there? What could I have done different?

Audra Jr: Yeah, I can't think of anything you did wrong. 

Audra Sr: What did I do really good? 

Audra Jr: I think probably something that was good was including me like in the social groups and stuff. Sort of. 

Audra Sr: That's right. 

Audra Jr: And like just seeing other autistic kids and helping me understand exactly what his disability is and how it sort of manifests in other people and how it's manifesting in him and how I can help or at least, like, understand more exactly what it is.

Audra Sr: I have noticed this about you. You can identify somebody across the room. 

Audra Jr: Oh, yeah. 

Audra Sr: You're like, oh, he's autistic. 

Audra Jr: It's really obvious once you, you've been around a lot. Yes. And it's definitely a spectrum. Like, there's a lot of people who are [00:15:00] like way more autistic and it's really obvious. And there's some people you talk to for a little bit and you're like, you're, 

Audra Sr: you're quirky. 

 I'm very grateful for the relationship that we have because, and I do think it's a lot because of that. Yeah. A lot because we're very similar people and so it was nice to have you in my life all those years. I'm very grateful for the relationship I have with him too. I think we have a good family. 

Audra Jr: Yeah, all of us are really close now.

Audra Sr: All right. Well, thanks for coming on and hopefully next week, Sami will be feeling better and we will go back to our regularly scheduled program talking about antecedent behavior and consequence. 

Audra Jr: Alright. Bye. Bye. 

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