Have you ever wondered if you could have a more fulfilling sex life? Prepare to have that curiosity satisfied as sexologist Jaya and her partner Ian Ferguson, of the Blueprint Breakthrough, join me for an invigorating discussion that redefines the meaning of sexual connection.
Together, we peel back the layers of erotic blueprints, a revolutionary concept that Jaiya and Ian firmly believe can lead to personal healing and deeper intimacy.
This episode isn't just about sex—it's an intimate exploration of transformative pleasure and the various ways we experience it.
Erotic Blueprint Quiz: http://eroticblueprint.com/
Website: https://missjaiya.com/
Jaiya’s newest book: Your Blueprint For Pleasure
IG: @missjaiya
Here's your first step in spicing up your sex life--get Lee's free erotic massage technique: rockthebedroom.com/
For new erotic massage techniques every month: rockthebedroom.com/membership
Have you ever wondered if you could have a more fulfilling sex life? Prepare to have that curiosity satisfied as sexologist Jaya and her partner Ian Ferguson, of the Blueprint Breakthrough, join me for an invigorating discussion that redefines the meaning of sexual connection.
Together, we peel back the layers of erotic blueprints, a revolutionary concept that Jaiya and Ian firmly believe can lead to personal healing and deeper intimacy.
This episode isn't just about sex—it's an intimate exploration of transformative pleasure and the various ways we experience it.
Erotic Blueprint Quiz: http://eroticblueprint.com/
Website: https://missjaiya.com/
Jaiya’s newest book: Your Blueprint For Pleasure
IG: @missjaiya
Here's your first step in spicing up your sex life--get Lee's free erotic massage technique: rockthebedroom.com/
For new erotic massage techniques every month: rockthebedroom.com/membership
Welcome to the Rock the Bedroom podcast, where we talk about sex and intimacy. Hi, I'm Lee Jagger and as a sexologist, I've helped thousands of women spice things up in the bedroom, even if intercourse is off the table. And this is the first non-sex sex podcast that shows women how to be more confident in the bedroom, create passion and playfulness in the relationship and have the best sex of their lives. Just a heads up I will not be censoring my guest's language, so you may hear the occasional F-bomb. Get ready for a juicy conversation as we explore how to rock the bedroom. Welcome, welcome. Today we are going to be talking about a topic that has literally changed my relationship with my own sexuality in a profound and empowering way. I cannot wait to share this with you, my lovely listeners.
Lee:I have two guests joining me today. Jaiya is a sexologist and a wellness, a sexual wellness coach. For over 30 years, she's immersed herself in the study of sexual pleasure and she's developed her signature erotic blueprints, which we're going to dive into at depth today. She's been featured in Sex, Love and Goop. She's an author of Your Blueprint for Pleasure, and she's just a wealth of knowledge in the whole realm of sexuality. I also have with me bonas Ian Ferguson. He's a lifelong student of Human Potential, a best-selling author. He's co-founded the Blueprint Breakthrough, which is a company that educates people to Jaiya's erotic blueprints framework, and you too are like this dynamic duo, so I'm so happy that I get to have you both on the show today.
Ian:Wonder twins powers activate.
Lee:So how would you describe what you two do to any listeners who are not familiar with you?
Jaiya:I think that when it comes to describing what we do, it's a really interesting. We always are like, well, what is it that we really do? And our front door says in big red, neon letters sex, sex, sex, sex, how to have better sex and orgasms and do all those awesome things. But what's behind that door is a really deeper journey into who we are and healing and consciousness and really peeling back these layers of conditioning and programming so that we can live our best lives and live lives in pleasure and ultimately comes down to unconditional love.
Ian:Unconditional love for ourselves, so that when we get it, other people in our lives get it, and then it spreads like a love virus.
Jaiya:I mean we're really up to world peace because we love art. We all love ourselves. We're just big love people, so I love that.
Lee:I've said that before where I'm like I'm after world peace, one happy couple at a time, and so I'm so glad that you just said that, because I mean, if everyone really took care of themselves and took care of their partner, isn't that the start of world peace? Really, that's not pie in the sky thing.
Ian:We all love the same things. We're fighting over what we conceive of as limited resource, but there's no limit to the resource. It's simply how do we use it collectively. And you know, if we're taking that into sex and sexuality, that resource is connection.
Ian:That resource is care, compassion, understanding and curiosity, being able and willing to get into the mind and heart of the person you're with, whether that's your lover, lovers, family members. And in the area of sexuality there has been so much ignorance due to censorship, due to closing down the conversation, due to fear of what it all means, which just adds to the confusion and adds to the separation. So that's also part of the mission is diving into something that is such a fulcrum issue, because pretty much everybody's having sex or will have sex or wants to be having sex. And if this is a primary drive for human kind, why, why in the world is it such a buried conversation, full of shame, guilt, you know, feeling wrong, broken. So it's dismantling that and bringing that hidden into the light.
Jaiya:And what's the consequence, what's the cost of having it so hidden Shame. You know separation Ian mentioned, but also, I think we push down this sexual energy, we push down our sexual drive and desire and that comes out sideways and then it becomes a power play or it becomes unhealthy, it becomes a toxic thing because we've hidden it or suppressed it or made it shameful. And you know, coming back to the world piece-piece, you know, I think that there's a lot of liberation for humankind within this realm. You know they say that song I keep running through my head as we're talking, that let piece begin with me song. And so you know, it begins with me and then it goes to my relationships and my family and then it goes to the world and for me pleasure is that route, is that road. When I'm in pleasure I'm fueled so that I can give in a very different way in the world.
Lee:Yeah, 100%, 100%. And that leads me to. You know, when, ian, you were talking about shame and all that, the word sex has certain connotations for people. When people think of the word sex, they think of intercourse and that's it, whereas sex is an umbrella. I wonder if we can unpack that a little bit like what, what sex really encompasses.
Ian:Yeah, there's a couple of bullets.
Lee:The act of intercourse.
Ian:Sure, there's a couple like, right off the top of my head bullets in terms of dismantling this idea of sex as a thing, as intercourse. So we were speaking with Ian Kerner a couple of months ago and author of She Comes First.
Jaiya:Yes, love that.
Ian:Yeah, and he was talking explicitly about outer course and the just this concept of intercourse. Outer course, and it's even a very gendered thing to be thinking of sex as intercourse, because in same-sex couples the actual penetrative sex is somewhere around with male to male, somewhere around 20% of the activity that they engage in. So what they're engaging in with intimacy is kissing, hugging, loving, you know, oral sex, all sorts of other ways of diving into this. So it's a pleasure, so, just, it's one of the things that we often do at our live workshops is is dismantle this thing of like well, what is sex? What is orgasm? What is pleasure? How many orgasms can your body have?
Jaiya:And there's a difference between climax and orgasm, right.
Ian:Extending pleasure and instead of going for you know, it's very sexual blueprinting. We'll talk about the erotic blueprints. With the very sexual blueprinting to think intercourse, you know, let's fuck, let's have sex, let's have our orgasm, and then everybody wins.
Jaiya:And I really like to expand the definition of sex. Sex is our fundamental aliveness. Sex isn't just an act that you do. Sex and our sexuality and our sexualness is something so much bigger and to me and this is my blueprint, speaking a little bit which we're alluding to, but to me, sex is a thing that we have relationship with, that can lead us into our own self-realization.
Jaiya:Sex is a tool for our own self-realization as a human being in this body that is so powerful, but the majority of us don't know how to use the tool or are even aware that that tool can be so powerful, and so we're only touching the tip of the iceberg of what sex actually is by just thinking about oh, I can have better orgasms, and, again, nothing wrong with having better orgasms, because that's part of it, and orgasm is part of leading you there wherever there there is for you. You know I'm talking a little esoterically, but I really think that sex is a recreational tool, not a recreational thing. And yes, we can use it recreationally for fun and play, but there's there's just so much more to it that we're missing.
Ian:And what you know. We didn't call them the sexual blueprints, or Jaiya didn't call them the sexual blueprints, she called them the Erotic Blueprint.
Jaiya:Eroticism is our aliveness, and so this thing about? Well, what is this? The art of eroticism within us and this pleasure and eroticism, and alive. I don't teach sex, I teach aliveness. I teach us how to be more alive in our experience of life, because we we need to have lives worth living.
Lee:Right, and isn't that? What we're all after is just feeling more alive in our relationships, like if someone is coming to me or to you or some other sex expert to fix their relationship or something's wrong in the bedroom and they're drifting apart. They want to feel alive. They don't want just better sex, they want the better sex to be able to feel like a kid again. Yeah, so, yeah, you're really on to something there. Okay, so we've been alluding to this. Let's dive into the, the erotic blueprints. There's five different categories, right, and in these, as far as I understand them and please elaborate on on my limited definition is that they help people to understand what turns them on in. Simply put, is that correct?
Ian:Sure, a little bit of context, because one of the things that can happen with the blueprints is people hear something they relate to that and like, oh, that's me and there's a positive to that. Now you understand your fastest path, your easiest access to pleasure. But sometimes in defining people will think, oh, I'm that, I'm not that other thing, and our belief is that we are a cosmology. You know where we're. Pretty much you have a mix of all of these blueprint types in you. Your primary blueprint is the one that you are the most resourced in, the one that you have the fastest path to pleasure, easiest access with. It might be the one that you are the best lover in, because it's your language, it's your low, it's your erotic language, so of course it'd be most versed in it and as a language for couples.
Jaiya:It's a communication tool to help you go. Okay, I understand now who my partner is, I understand who I am and so therefore I can now communicate better about how to get my needs met because I now have that understanding. So the way that I I really see the blueprints is this way of honoring each other in our erotic expression. It's the way that you are erotically wired in this moment, based upon your conditioning and programming, because I actually think that, like Ian was saying, we're full spectrum or actually all of this, but this it tells you you where you're primary, but where you've also cut pieces of yourself off right right, oh, this is so good.
Lee:Okay, and communicate. I mean, you mentioned that this is a form of communication and I fully believe that communication is like the number one ingredient, the foundation of a great relationship with yourself, with your partner, is good communicate and honest communication. Right, sure, that's the key, and are you honest?
Jaiya:even with yourself, are you conscious of the material that's even subconsciously there, that's playing. You know a role in whatever's going on with you and your partner. I call them like the loops or the game that you're playing. Sometimes we're not even conscious we're doing it and that's where a coach or you know somebody to help us kind of see, like oh wow, here's the game I've been playing. Do I want to keep playing the one I keep doing? That you know and communication can be a way, a way for us to to acknowledge that and have that first step of acknowledgement and awareness that what we've been doing, when you know, we can be honest when that content comes to the surface we're doing some dismantling of myths here.
Ian:We're dismantling the myth of sex, and one of the things that the blueprints are very good at doing when you understand how to work with them is dismantling what we think of as a myth of sexual incompatibility so it's the kind of thing of if you look at these through the lens of being a language.
Ian:Let's say, I spoke German and Jaiya speaks French, and we meet and we are just like the chemistry is there and we've got a few words and we're like, oh, you're interested in that music, or like there's, there's some shared desire and love but we don't speak the same language are we going to say she speaks French.
Ian:It's never gonna work. There's no way I can ever speak that. No, if I'm totally into her, I'm gonna try and figure out how to speak French and she's gonna try and figure out how to speak German, because we're willing speaking to each.
Lee:I'm sorry, just had to throw that in.
Ian:Thank you, thank you. So we we have the opportunity to first look at the lens of our relationship. Are we willing? So, sexual incompatibility, yes, there are things like limerence. Yes, there are things like biochemistry, pheromones, things that add to the attraction. But if you really want to be in this relationship, meeting your partner, honoring, as Jaiya was saying, are you willing to learn their language, to discover and get in the place that may be uncomfortable for you, to be able to meet each other in this?
Jaiya:space. I think another thing that we need to unravel is I don't have that In sex. It's a learnable skill. It's not like it's something that we all just know how to do. Yeah, we know how to fuck or procreate, but the art of eroticism is something that I think is really unique to the human experience. So are you willing to become an erotic artist? If you are, then you're going to have a much different relationship with your partner. It really comes down to willingness more than anything, because you can learn the skill.
Ian:Yeah, I love saying sex is natural, but making love is an art, so we can fuck like bunnies. Is that how you want to do it? Maybe?
Lee:Sometimes Right, but when one person is wanting to do that and the other person is not, okay, now there's some friction, right?
Ian:So here we go, let's. Dive in.
Jaiya:Yeah let's dive in the five blueprints. We've teased them enough. We've teased them enough. Okay, yeah, and why these are?
Ian:important how they can be effective for you. So there are, as mentioned, five blueprints that each have a. They have superpowers and they have shadows. So we'll talk a little bit about both the superpowers and the shadows with the energetic blueprint type. I'm actually going to just name all five first so people can know the territory where we're headed. There's the energetic blueprint sensual, sexual, kinky and shapeshifter. So the energetic they love anticipation, space, tease, that energy before the kiss happens, the longing that exists.
Ian:You're going to look at your lips and just and sometimes, when you make that kiss, that's much less of a turn on than the actual tension that was there, yeah.
Jaiya:So if you lose turn on when that collapses, then you might be an energetic, because all of the turn on is in the space before and also in certain very light, slow touches that are in that energetic field. And I think that sometimes this can feel very esoteric for people to hear us talk about the energetic. The energetic is esoteric. It is mystical that it involves fields of vibration and sensory experience that a lot of us can't see or haven't had an experience of. But we can feel the vibration of a speaker. There's all kinds of things moving through the air all the time that we can't see, you can feel the heat Without touching your body.
Ian:You can feel the heat. That is one aspect of the energetic field, and yet that field goes 20 feet off of our body.
Jaiya:Yeah, so people's fields will be different and sometimes people are like you stand 20 feet away and they're like oh my gosh, I got the audio and they're like orgasmic and that seems so strange to so many people. But I think when energetics hear us talk they're like oh, I'm not weird, I'm not broken, like there's nothing wrong with me and my sexuality, because I actually feel all of the erotic not in what is the standard definition of sex. Again, right.
Lee:Right, not like, so not involving touch necessarily.
Ian:And that's a superpower for the energetic they can have orgasms without touch.
Lee:OK, so go ahead. I'm curious so are there different kinds of orgasms? Because when you think of an orgasm, when I think of an orgasm, I'm thinking of clitoral stimulation, G spot stimulation, like physical touch. So how, how does an energetic type have an orgasm?
Ian:Another myth Does it feel different. So orgasm Jaiya was mentioning, like there earlier, that there are dozens, if not hundreds, of different types of orgasm. So we have to expand, we have to just kind of like, maybe for some people put on that hat of suspension, of disbelief. So there is clitoral, there is genital, there is the explosive, there's the G spot.
Jaiya:Ejaculatory, yeah, and so I think here it's important to distinguish between a climax and an orgasm.
Jaiya:So climax, I often think of as like the you know how many have to sneeze really bad, and then you're like, and it like comes out, like it's a very intense, very quick, feels like a very physical experience when you have that sneeze and so the climax is like the genital sneeze, which can feel really, really great and that can be the kind of orgasm that happens from a lot of direct clitoral stimulation that builds up tension, tension, tension, tension and then release. That happens and there's a physiological response that happens when that climax occurs. Now orgasm can look many different ways. I did orgasmic childbirth when I was. I studied with a Russian birth shaman to learn how to do this orgasmic childbirth thing passing a baby through my body in orgasm. So what does that look like? You know?
Lee:I wish I could find up for that. I don't think I had an orgasmic childbirth situation.
Jaiya:That was amazing. That's a whole other story, wow. But this idea that and for me I feel, even though I'm not being touched, all the same things as if I'm having that clitoral orgasm. So I have like those shivers that move through my spine and my pelvic floor is pulsing, as the blood is moving, as those muscles are getting engaged in that orgasmic experience All of that is happening for me, and I know that they've done MRI studies. They have put people in MRI machines having energetic orgasms in the same parts of the brain are firing. So that is amazing to me, that it really is. There's a physical response, even though there isn't physical touch.
Jaiya:And then I want to go one step further, which is your state of consciousness. So there's climax, there's orgasm and then there's an orgasmic state, and this is where you start to live in orgasm. You start to live in pleasure and you're in a state where everything is orgasmic. It doesn't matter. The wind blurs you the right way and you're like, wow, orgasm's, food, orgasmic. Everything becomes orgasmic, and that has been one of my just fun experiments. Is what is erotically possible? Can I make anything orgasmic, even the hardest things that my body may be going through, including one time I even did throwing I hate throwing up and I was like can I make this orgasmic? Can I really do that? And I did, and I was like OK, after that I can make anything orgasmic.
Ian:You do dentist chair work.
Jaiya:I've done dental work without pain medication, just transmuting it into an orgasmic sensation.
Lee:And so how do you do that? Are you physically engaging your pelvic floor to bring sensation to that area Like, how do you? I'm stuck on the how you make a vomiting orgasm.
Jaiya:One of the tricks for me is and again, I have a lot of energetic in my blueprint. It's high up there, and so I have capacity and availability. I've also spent 30 years learning how to transmute things into orgasmic energy. But the thing that works easiest and best, I think that people can understand, is I will take anything that we've labeled a certain way. So let's say pain, for example, because I've done the dentist without pain medication. So to take pain, because it's a very intense sensation, and I start to go into the pain Instead of trying to avoid the pain, I go into the pain and I get really curious.
Jaiya:Ok, what is this really? If I took the label of pain away and I got into the pure, raw vibrational frequency of what this is, what would that look like? And then I go into it. Maybe it's different qualities now. Now it starts to be oh, it's intensity, it's red, it's high pitched, or so you know, like I can start to kind of break down what is this thing. Ok, now let's go even deeper. What's the raw energy of all of that? Oh, it's just a frequency. Oh, can I now start to ride that frequency? Can I start to play with that frequency? Can I start to break that frequency so it's not so condensed and intense into something more expanded and when I'm in the pure raw energy of anything it becomes orgasmic for me. The moment I hit the pure raw, like the bottom of that sensation, it becomes orgasmic Wow.
Lee:OK, I feel a challenge coming on. I don't need to know how to do that. That's so good.
Jaiya:Exploring all that is erotically possible. Yeah, I say sometimes I'm like this erotic athlete or astronaut, you know, just keep going into things like, well, and this comes to the iceberg too, like we've only hit the tip of the iceberg of what's possible, because a lot of us really don't know how to even do these explorations. How do we, how do we become, you know, an erotic explorer and play again?
Lee:in these realms. I love that and I love that you are helping people to explore this and we're definitely going to link up in the show notes how everyone can get ahold of you guys, because everyone needs Ian and Jaya in their life. I'm just saying that out loud right now.
Lee:Everybody run don't walk to their website, which we'll get into in a minute. So I have a question. Another question about energetics. So if a person is getting turned on by either porn or some other means of seeing other people get turned on, Is that an energetic thing?
Ian:It could be.
Jaiya:It could be. So if there's an energy that like, oh, my partner's getting really turned on, now I start to get turned on, or oh, I'm seeing other people on turn on it, now I'm starting to get turned on, that can very much be energetic because it's it's I say it's contagious. You know, if one of you isn't in a poopy mood and you're sensitive to that, you know you kind of start to. Then whoever is the strongest energy is going to pull each other Right. So one of you is highly turned on. That's then going to pull you into because it's a very strong energy. Turn on can be Now porn can also be one of the other blueprints, because it could be depending upon the porn you're watching.
Ian:And how you're relating to it, and yeah, so how you relate to it distinguishes whether it's being interpreted as any of the blueprint types.
Lee:Right, okay, yeah, because, like I have, I work with women and Sometimes I hear the complaint that you know my husband, he has a difficult time having an orgasm with me. So then after we're done, he goes and watches for porn and takes care of himself and she's feeling like I'm Not enough now and and so porn becomes this point of friction between a couple. So it can be I mean, it is a tool but sometimes it can drive people apart too. Absolutely, sure, absolutely.
Ian:Yeah, again it's like how are you utilizing the tool?
Jaiya:Is it in a helpful way or is it an unhelpful way? And are you wiring yourself? Being a somatic sexologist, I'm always looking at how are people wiring their bodies in an arousal pattern? And if you're always wiring yourself to need a certain thing over and over, the same thing over and over, it's like great, it works if it's working, and it's like healthy for everybody, great. But if it's that kind of pattern, now you're wiring yourself for a negative pattern loop, somatically.
Lee:Which means right. So then you can't have an orgasm without exactly that's.
Jaiya:That's, there are ways to wire yourself to wean yourself out of that, of course, and so you know learning how to Not need that. What about like like, for example, with that couple? I would say well then, put the porn on during sex, instead of isolating and having it after the sex. Put it on during to start to wean yourself out of it, so that the pattern is there during, but it now you're, you're with a partner and you're with your partner who's craving you, you to have that kind of arousal with them, right, right, and and for that that Person who's not watching the porn to to realize that, hey, like detach, detach the judgment or the assumption that you're not good enough because you know he's got the porn Right.
Lee:you can see some women thinking, oh well, that's almost like having the other woman in the room with you, like yeah, yeah, yeah, but I, I like when you're going with that. Like lean into it, don't try to push it away, just lean into it, because the more you push it away, the more it becomes a turn off, because now it's become a taboo, especially if you're one of the certain blueprints where taboo is your thing?
Jaiya:Um, you know.
Jaiya:And then it just again starts to wire a habit and a pattern, as opposed to something that bridges Intimacy, and even for the partner who is like oh well, I'm not, I'm not your Primary source of turn on then, or I'm not worthy, or whatever that then. That's the thing to examine is then, can you instead get curious and ask well, what about the other one? I'd get curious and ask well, what about that turns you on? What you know it's about your partner, not about you. In the moment You're making it about you. You've now created more separation versus intimacy, right?
Lee:Right, don't take it personally, right, we don't know, just very hard to do.
Jaiya:And if there's betrayal involved, you know, then that's a whole other thing, because then that that's very different. You know, if you've like, made an agreement not to have porn and then your partner, you'd find your partner watching porn, then there's a broken agreement and there's a betrayal and it can feel a lot like cheating and that can be really hard and can, you know, can can turn into an abusive pattern in some ways.
Lee:Yeah, yeah, absolutely Okay. Let's get on to the second one.
Ian:It's gonna get your years. We go Roundout energetic. We went down a whole bunch of All right.
Lee:We're not done with energetic. Go for it.
Ian:I think energetic a superpower is that the ability to have orgasms without touch and they have incredible sensitivity and that incredible sensitivity can become the shadow. So it's too much too fast.
Jaiya:The environment they dissociate, they turn off and they also can get judgy of. You know, we we started talking about porn, which is a great segue into one of the shadows, which is You're watching porn, your base. You're gross, you're disgusting.
Jaiya:That's gross, you know, because the hierarchical thinking the energetic, has a hierarchical thinking that my spiritual way or my mystical way of having sex and your way of watching porn and I see this with couples all the time You're gross and I'm spiritual and that then creates a lot of disconnection in relationship and Can be a very dark shadow. I mean, I used to have that so badly. I used to think people who ate meat were, you know, lower than me and watch television were lower me. This was in my late teens, early 20s, and I I definitely had a lot of. When I met Ian, he was really the first person who I I was one of those gross meaty here.
Jaiya:You know, and that's so interesting too Sometimes you meet the person who you need to he learn the lesson right. You fall in love with the thing that you're judging so badly, and again, this is where I think that the blueprints are about us completing parts of ourselves that we disowned. So I disowned and made bad and wrong because of my hierarchical spiritual thinking, and now, you know, I had to reclaim aspects that I had disowned, and so Ian, of course, ends up being the complete opposite of me, and yet we fall in love to complete each other Right becomes such a teacher turn them into a raw foodist for a little while, and then he introduced me to sushi.
Lee:Well, then you're done for it.
Jaiya:Okay oh, that's so good. Are we ready for the sensual talking of sushi?
Lee:Yeah, I'm definitely ready for sensual because I think that's my prime. My primary is sensual, um, and and why? Why I fell in love with you guys and your work is Because I thought I was broken and I thought I just didn't like, I didn't, I wasn't into sex, I wasn't into intercourse, um, and and. Anytime I fantasized, like if I had a fantasy dream, it would always be really passionate, kissing and touching, and there was never penetration, ever, even as a teenager, and I just thought I was weird. And so when I came across Um the blueprints and realized, oh, sensual, that's me. It was a big permission slip and it's like you know that it that's a your thing, you're even so, it's okay and and it's valid. It's not hierarchy, hierarchical that you mentioned, like it's one's not better or worse than another one.
Ian:Yeah.
Lee:Yeah, you brought validity. So I just am internally grateful For that, that liberation.
Ian:So let's get it to sensual so, uh, if somebody had given me a screenshot of your screen Right off the bat and they said what? What's her primary blueprint type? For those of you who are listening on audio, there are fuzzy, furry pillows in the background. You have an amazing adorable a haircut and the necklace and the the way the shirt is laid. My first guess would be sensual.
Lee:That's so funny that you can tell that by all this, by this. Yeah, oh my gosh.
Ian:The sensual loves, to bring the artistry to sex. They are all about having their senses ignited, the lighting being perfect the furry pillows. The tech, the different textures of clothing or sheets on the bed, um, the, the, the perfect music, the smells in the room. So they bring the artistry, they have the ability to have full body orgasms.
Jaiya:So, again, distinguishing between ejaculation and no genitals are required. So behind the knee I call it crevicex. Um, so crevicex is where you know you get really into somebody's crevices and you know, with your mouth or your hands and Um, there's a lot of orgasms to be had in all of the crevices all over the body.
Ian:And energetics like for differentiation, energetics would love this space and the anticipation, the sensual is just going to be like when it collapses that space collapsing and touching and connected.
Jaiya:Slow dancing.
Ian:Yeah, they're what we think about typically with romance.
Lee:Right, and I love that you give permission to let Foreplay and I do not like that word um to be the main event, because foreplay Insinuates oh, we're just going to warm you up. This is the pre-game show.
Jaiya:And now you're ready for penetration. Right, it's an event.
Lee:Right for me. I could just stay in foreplay forever, like that. Let's make out for a half hour. You know, that's the main event.
Jaiya:And that's sex, like that's making love, that's that is. That is the eroticism and the sexuality. So I just really think again the outer course that's why I like outer course versus foreplay as uh terminology, just because then it's like, okay, but we are engaged in sex. That isn't like we do this, then we do this, then we do this, then we have penetration, and that's the sex. That's procreation, that's now maybe we're procreating or we're having intercourse, but it's not the sex. Is the whole thing like we've been talking about? Right?
Lee:And so what's the, what's the shadow to?
Ian:The shadow is all of that beauty and all of the spatial relationship and all that can turn against you it. You get caught up in your head. The pillows crooked, the there do I smell down there?
Jaiya:I might get my vagina juice on the bed.
Ian:Did I answer that phone call? Shit. I didn't get the laundry done. It's still in the. It's still in the locker. It's gonna get cozy great.
Lee:Oh my gosh. That's so funny because I I have said to um partners before like I need an organized space because otherwise it's yelling at me. Yes, the dirty dishes are yelling at me, so I can't relax Dishes. Okay, let's go upstairs. So okay, I get that.
Jaiya:I totally. So maybe part part of foreplay I'm putting in air quotes is uh, for you is washing the dishes. Somebody washes the dishes for you and gets the space all set up, sets up a rose petal bath a list and the lighting right, it smells yummy.
Lee:Oh, my god, yeah, and what One of my, well, my biggest, uh love language is acts of service. So yeah you can?
Ian:I've been perfect for me.
Lee:And oh yeah, yeah, double whammy. So good, okay, so are we ready for the third one?
Ian:sure Um. I think I said sexual next, Um. Sexual is what we think of typically is sex. It's penetration, genitals nudity. Um the the city superpower for sexuals is. They bring the fun to sex. It's not complicated. Then go zero to 60, get aroused, be like in the game, ready to go for it. Everybody has an orgasm, everybody wins. So it's really, it's um the climax and they feel validated by being met in their sexual. So breathe it. Sex is like air for a sexual. They need it, they crave it.
Jaiya:Without it and they feel loved and relaxed. So I think that one of the interesting distinctions is a sexual has sex to relax, whereas a sensual Needs to relax In order to be in the mood to have sex.
Lee:Exactly yes. And would you? Would you say that, like I have heard and I don't know if this is statistically accurate that Men would typically be more sexual and women would Typically be more sensual, or is that just a stereotype? That's completely inaccurate more myth-busting.
Ian:So We've had over 2.3 million people take our quiz Um and in that you know there may. There, it's not a perfect Um scientific experiment because we may attract more energetics or whatever, but what we have found across the board is that men typically, or people identify, as men typically identify across the spectrum with all the blueprint types. Sexual is a teeny bit heavier weighted Than the other four. Kinky is actually very high with men, but there's a, there's a good range and Almost equal almost equal all the way around.
Lee:Oh, I love hearing this. I think there's a lot of very Macho men out there Embracing and trying to step very massively into the sexual type to be a stud and to you know, to really do it to his partner and all the things. But but I like the idea of you know, let's soften him a bit Like let's explore some of the other, the energetic and the sensual and the kinky, like just open him, open up those horizons just a little bit, because-.
Ian:We call it the sexual, we call it wearing a sexual mask.
Jaiya:It's what men think they're supposed to be, and so they put on the mask of it when really underneath, when we get into their body, and again, being so somatic sexologist, once we get inside someone's body, I start to see no, that's not true. And if anybody's seen the Netflix show Sex, love and Goop not to give a spoiler, but you know you'll see in a good example of this.
Lee:Love it. Okay, oh, that's so good.
Ian:Yeah, for those who identify as women, there is more heavily weighted to energetic and sensual and the caveat that Jaiya is mentioning, often, like though, someone might have a judgment or a lack of understanding of what one of the. We haven't gotten to the kinky blueprint yet, but often what will happen when working with clients or getting them into the practices that we offer up in the course, is they start to play with the body, telling them what's true, and all of a sudden they realize, oh, maybe I am a little kinky and we'll bust a mess around kinky as well when we get to it. But it's the thing of sometimes it's the limited ideas of what we have about eroticism, from social conditioning, programming, what's actually available in terms of sex education in the world, where people don't even they'll do the quiz and they don't really even know what we're talking about in some of the questions. So how are you gonna actually know? Oh, is that a turn on? I don't, it doesn't even relate.
Jaiya:But we have a lot of energetic, which I think is also really interesting for those people who identify as women, because energetic just is something that's so foreign and so unknown. But we do see, like it's almost tied with like sensual. I think they're pretty much tied, and so there's this whole subset of like I don't understand what you want, woman, we'll like no, don't touch you. You know, like what? Right, what Of really understanding that blueprint, cause I think it is the one that I think we're least educated in.
Lee:Yeah, and I mean I would imagine it would be ideal for both people in the partnership to educate themselves with these blueprint. This blueprint because, like you just said, you know one person might be embracing their energetic and understanding it and being okay with it, but then if their partner isn't really on board with all of that and doesn't see the importance in validating her energetic side, then there's gonna be a bit of a clash. So how would you get a partner to open up to something new? If they're happy with Wambam thank you, ma'am and she wants to explore it more sensual or energetic, then how do you get your partner to open up to something that they don't know is broken?
Jaiya:This is the million dollar question. Yeah, we get it all the time.
Ian:One of the things you are pointing to is one of the shadows of the sexual, which is they often miss the journey.
Jaiya:And they think that everybody else is broken because they fit into the standard norm of our definition of sex. So like well, something must be wrong with my partner. They don't wanna be touched, or?
Ian:They need all this complex lighting in all the right places and they need the bed made and the dishes done.
Jaiya:Why do you need all that? We can just fuck on the bathroom floor. Who?
Ian:cares and the bright lights can be on.
Jaiya:it's all good to me and so we hear this a lot because the sexual blueprint shadow is I'm okay, but everybody else is something's wrong with them. Why do we need all this stuff? And they miss this journey and they miss the expandedness of sexuality because there are this teeny, teeny little definition of what sex actually is. So we often will get and we pair with whatever we've disowned. So we get a energetic with a sexual, we get a sensual with a sexual. You know who just like? It's just so interesting to watch. So we see this a lot, we get this question a lot. So how do we unravel it?
Ian:even Well, sometimes it can be a few minutes of bringing up the revelation for the person of what they're missing, if they can get it. Sometimes it's months and months and months of work.
Jaiya:And I think the first step if I were to just give listeners like here, if you're in this situation, here's the first step. And the first step is to go. Am I willing, what is my level of willingness, to honor my partner and who they are, instead of trying to change who they are? Cause the moment you are trying to change, fix or improve your partner, you're off. And so many of us and I hear it all the time in my practice people come to me and they're like but he but he, but he but he, but she, but she but she but they but they. You know, like it's always the other person and I think it's really important for us to go on to our own sexual journey of well, what is it about that that is triggering? What is it in myself that I have disowned, that I have judged and other people that I judge, in myself, my own erotic self, and how do we then break, break those things down to go? I'm not going to change.
Jaiya:I did it with Ian. It was what changed our relationship drastically. I made a choice. It was it was a New Year's resolution of this year. I'm going to be all in and I'm not going to try to change, fix or improve him. I'm only going to work on myself and I did that for the year. It was in October. I couldn't wait until the New Year to tell him, but it was in October we were on this romance.
Ian:She kept it a secret from me that you'd made this internal decision.
Jaiya:Yeah, I didn't. I didn't tell him just to see what would happen, Like didn't want it in his brain. I didn't want, you know, I didn't want him to even notice that I was doing anything differently. And we were on this pier in Jamaica, a lightning storms out in the ocean and we're, you know, we're being serve this beautiful meal on a bed on a pier. And I said, hey, have you noticed anything different?
Jaiya:And he was like oh, my God, yes, Like what? What has happened? And I told him that I had started this experiment and that experiment was I'm going to do my own inner work and stop trying to change, fix or improve him and be a hundred percent in. A hundred percent all into the relationship. Yeah.
Ian:Wow, part of the way out the door.
Lee:When, when we, when we fix ourselves. It's like Wayne Dyer said, when you, when you change the way you look at things, the things you're looking at change you're changing your own perspective. You're changing. You're kind of trying to fix yourself, I guess, or work on yourself, and then everything around you just kind of there's a ripple effects and it just changes everyone around you because you're showing up differently.
Ian:Right, so, and so there's there's, there's, there's I. So I'd say there's nothing but a hundred percent benefit to the individual going on that journey. And at the same time you're not necessarily only inviting a bed of roses, meaning. If I'm going on my own solo journey and really stepping into who I am, what I need, what I want, what I desire, how I'm loving my partner, how I'm showing up for my partner and being of service to the relationship, that may be very disruptive to the relationship that you think you have. So it does become a mirror for the partner and you, in certain realities and truths, may become ever present. Where you might have been in denial. You may discover that my partner truly is unwilling. They are unwilling to meet me, they are unwilling to step across that.
Jaiya:I actually have been in a really abusive situation and now I have come to my own self, love to realize this isn't the right place for me. You know, sometimes that journey leads us to not be in the relationship because the relationship wasn't a healthy place for us to be in the first place. And on this journey of reclaiming our sexual power and becoming empowered, we become empowered enough to leave something that wasn't a positive situation in the beginning, right.
Lee:Yeah, as long as it leads to empowerment, I think, and liberation. We're in the business of helping relationships and, but sometimes a good relationship just needs to like excellent. A for effort. You learned a lot and now you got to go separate ways. That's probably the most helpful, healthy thing to do in some circumstances, so glad you brought that up. Yeah.
Ian:And then with the sexual. So another aspect of the sexual shadow often can be sexual shame. So, especially again for folks who identify as women, if you're a highly sexualized woman, you've probably been slut-shamed, you've probably been made bad or wrong.
Jaiya:I got a lot of. I was pregnant so many times in high school.
Lee:Because she kissed a boy.
Jaiya:Kissing boys there were a lot of rumors. Oh my God, I never really got pregnant.
Ian:What was it? I wasn't even having intercourse.
Jaiya:I wasn't even having intercourse, but you know I.
Ian:So shame, and that works as well in the. You know folks who identify as male. I really inherited a. My sexual in terms of our quiz comes out very low. You were zero.
Jaiya:I was zero at one point when we first took it, he was zero and I'm highest sexual secondary energetic by like 1% separation. So I'm mostly like sexual energetic. He's zero percent sexual and I'm trying to fix him. You know, like what? What's wrong with this guy? Guys are supposed to be sexual. They're supposed to be. What we've seen from the quiz is that's not true, right. And so you know guys are supposed to be sexual and he's I'd come to bed naked or like strip tease or whatever.
Ian:Put her hand on my feet, crotch, while we're driving down the highway.
Lee:Why are?
Ian:we doing that what's happening?
Jaiya:Cause I was like I was accosting him.
Lee:And so I would imagine, Jaiya, you're probably thinking okay what's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? Because I put my hand on his, his goods, and he's pushing me away. What the F?
Jaiya:You know, and more so because of the sexual shadow, I'm thinking what's wrong with him? What guy is going to turn the sex expert who knows all the techniques and is hot and all the things? He's obviously attracted to me, you know, like what, what? What's wrong with him? That's sexual shadow.
Ian:And and and for me the shadow aspect of that. So my sexual has gone up in the charts because I've realized that I had. One of the things I inherited was this good boy piece. I had to suppress sexuality. It wasn't welcomed. The people who I saw being sexual in real life in movies.
Ian:They were assholes, they were dicks. My parents were divorced so my dad had some, you know, slightly toxic masculine aspects to him and so you know anything that was that. I didn't want to be that. So it was several years into our relationship actually only about five or six years ago where I really really really realized the depth of the core of there is a shame aspect to my own sexual expression that suppressed the sexual type in me and we have a whole thing with erotic, empowered erotic persona types where I was able to reclaim that part that I've abandoned about myself.
Jaiya:So when I talked about where really all of the blueprints, this was the piece that Ian cut off. He cut off the sexual. So if you're looking at the quiz and you're seeing like oh my gosh, I'm only zero of something, then that's a piece of yourself that you've actually. The blueprint shows where we're limited. They show us where we've cut aspects of ourselves off, and this is exactly what he did with his sexual. So here I am craving his sexual because that's my highest and he's caught in. No, no, that's parts not okay. That part's not okay. Are you sure that part's okay? And even though I'm a sexologist, even though you know this was my work, he had his inner work to do. There was nothing I could do to other than create a safe space for him to do that work. That I could do to help him through that.
Lee:Oh, what a journey. Oh, that's so like this is so profound, to come across that realization, because it's really easy to say, oh well, this is just how I am Right right. And not really explore it into the depths of okay, so why is that? Why is that and is that the most healthy version of you and the most expansive version of you? And are you only that? Because you've cut everything else off, which is really limiting. So congratulations.
Ian:You may not desire to be an artist, like you don't wanna paint paintings like Rembrandt, whatever, and that's an okay, totally clear decision. But if you were in, if you're in the world to be an artist of some kind and I'm just making a metaphor for the eroticism piece it's like the first step is you've got the backs of a box of Crayola crayons and the piece of paper and you're drawing stick figures and you could be saying, oh, this is just the kind of artist I am and I'll always be this, I'll never learn to do anything more. Or you can then break out the acrylics and the watercolors and the different types of paper and the pens and get some mentorship and some training and actually go to people who have walked the path before you and can show you this infinite possibility.
Jaiya:Smorgasboard.
Ian:Smorgasboard of infinite erotic possibilities that are available. Because sometimes another piece in this, in dismantling this disconnection between couples, is we often think that the resistance is the truth of the partner and if you can get into curiosity, empathy, and you can often find out that it is simply fear. I'm scared to death that I'm not gonna do it right, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm supposed to know what I'm doing. So ego gets involved, fear that you're gonna do it wrong, you're gonna fail. So being able to create again that safe space that Jaiya was talking about, to experiment, be vulnerable, not bring criticism, shame, blame or judgment into the bedroom, but turn it into that playground. You know that sandbox of like oh, we're just experimenting, we're gathering information. That's your watercolors at each other. Oh, that turns me on the red's on your nipple. Wow, my sexual gets turning off. I think it's edible.
Jaiya:And I think that's something people lose. They just lose the creativity, like so serious, and we got to get this right and it just, and then it becomes no fun yeah no, right True freedom, we shut down our ideas?
Lee:Yes, exactly, and I think that just that, that freedom, that playfulness, is what's, you know, needed in a lot of bedrooms these days. To get back to that place, yeah.
Ian:And we have certain things that we do with inside of our course. We have something called sexy sex labs, where you're turning it into a science experiment rather than like your, your.
Jaiya:What's my hypothesis with this? What did you spot do when you touch it that way? Yes, love it.
Ian:So it's kids playing as opposed to like an agenda. We're got to get to the orgasm. No, that's. You know what's here in the interstitial spaces, those spaces between I do want to give a little primer on, because we keep talking about percentages and all that and the quiz and stuff like that. So we have the blueprint quiz. We have a free version which is going to give you your blue, your primary blueprint type. When you take the in depth version, that's when you get what we call this pleasure profile Jaiya and I are talking about the percentages of each that we are. When you take that in depth quiz, that's when you get oh, I'm, you know, 47% kinky, I'm 27% sexual, I'm, you know, all the way down and that is a great tool. So another way to bridge sexual incompatibility is you do that quiz, you've both got your pleasure profiles and you're looking and, like Jayia and I, she's top sexual, I'm lowest sexual, I'm top kinky and she's zero kinky.
Jaiya:I was zero kinky, which is the next one we're going to talk about.
Ian:So those, those are diametrically opposed, but somewhere in between she's got some sensual, she's got some energetic.
Jaiya:I had 5% sensual and he had 5% energetic. So I'm I'm sexual, energetic, zero kinky, 5% of sensual. He is sensual, kinky, zero sexual, 5% energetic. We are completely flip flopped right, which is so interesting, and again, like people might see that go oh my God, we're doomed, you're not doomed.
Ian:We you find the Venn diagram when those places intersect, and then you get to play in that fuck yes territory first, and it may not be your primary for either, but at least you're bridging the gap and starting to find the mutual areas of pleasure together.
Lee:Yeah, love that, I love that. Ooh, so good. Okay, let's get to kinky.
Ian:No, this is good. You're very neat in that.
Lee:Because it does feel so taboo to me. So I like exploring this.
Ian:Yeah, awesome. So kinky is we break this down sort of. I think it's a little bit of a myth. Bust which is kinky for us is whatever is taboo for you, so one-.
Lee:Subjective.
Ian:Yeah, so the typical idea of kink is black leather, dark chains, choking and a lot of that.
Jaiya:I think people could go to like the extreme when they think of it, and that's part of it.
Jaiya:BDSM and some of that play. There are a lot of really beautiful practices that we think of that are that more extreme, they're intense and yet for some people kinky is like oh my gosh, we've had missionary position sex for 20 years. It's so taboo and naughty to have it outside of missionary position and do doggy style that that is also kinky. So it really is. Whatever the thing is that feels like it's naughty or taboo or like, oh, I shouldn't be doing this. That is the kinky and they're psychological based, which is somebody who is more power dynamic and so that might be mean like I would have power over Ian in a session and I would boss him around.
Jaiya:So one of the ways we found a bridge or a place in the Venn diagram was I own his genitals. That's a power dynamic and so his genitals belong to me and he has to do whatever I say with his genitals and that would feed my sexual because I could say, get down on your knees and let me give you a blow job tonight because I own you at any time, and that fed his kinky because he had to do what I said and we found that. So anytime we start to get in that like headbutt between the sexual and the kinky. We play this game for 24 hours and then it gets rid of the headbutt between the two Blueprints. Love it, we have that bridge.
Ian:So psychological is one of them and the physiological, which is often like the spanking, the constriction, the rope tie physical sensation-based stuff.
Ian:You can be both. You can be a dominant, submissive, you can be switch, meaning you love being a dominant, you love being submissive. I'm in that switch zone. I like both roles, and kinkies are incredibly imaginative If you are a well-versed kinky. We are some of the best at sexual communication, creativity Creativity or relationship communication even outside of the bedroom, because we are big fans of making the implicit, the hidden things, explicit. What do you mean by that? What are the boundaries of that? What are the rules to that? How are we going to function in this container?
Ian:So we set containers and just like back to this sort of kids on a playground metaphor. There was an experiment done I think it was a Harvard University experiment, but I'm not sure on that and they put a bunch of kids on an open playing field with no fence and the kids all gathered together and huddled in the middle of the playground altogether. Then they put those kids on playground with fences and the kids played everywhere. They were in the corners up on the fence, they were in the middle, they were everywhere. So the fences gave the security and safety to be able to play in a very defined container, and successful kink is like that If you define your container really well, then you can play to the edges, you can be as adventurous. And then you know, oh, you've gone over that You've broke the boundary. So kink is great. Great, even if you're not kinky, to play with these dynamics of scene setting and container. Yeah, did you have a time?
Lee:Opens up communication. Yeah, you could state your boundaries and for a lot of people it's like what the hell are my boundaries? I don't even know.
Ian:But it's a boundary. Figure that out.
Lee:Love it.
Ian:And some of the back to the energetics. Sometimes the energetics are so collapsed in their sexuality because they never have set a boundary.
Jaiya:This part of the shadow, of the energetic is if I say no, that's going to hurt the other person or it's unsafe for me to say somewhere in their system. Oftentimes there's some kind of trauma that has led them to feel like their no is unsafe. So they've continually overridden their body, which then creates a lot of armoring Right.
Ian:The biggest shadow for Kinky is the shame aspect. Why do I?
Lee:like I'm going to be bad girl.
Ian:Well, why do I like this? What's wrong with me? This is, or, if I reveal this to my partner, they're going to judge me. This is weird. I'm wrong, broken, because I'm turned on by X, Y or Z.
Jaiya:So six and a half years into our relationship was when I found out he was Kinky, which is why you know that's a, that's a.
Ian:The fish gets a little bigger on that one it's in, yeah. Just six and a half, when you first knew me. I had handcuffs, I had my own sex.
Jaiya:Okay, I think he's saying I should have known by the sex toys and the handcuffs. But what?
Ian:is true is you knew that there was some pink in there and you just didn't know how deep it was.
Jaiya:I didn't know how far your edges were. By any means so. Six and a half years is when I discovered how deep your Kinkweight is. Is that more accurate?
Ian:That's more accurate. Okay, it took you writing a book on the topic and me being your guinea pig yes, for you to discover just how Kinky.
Jaiya:So here I was doing the strip tease in the sexual blueprint. I was initiating sex with the G string on and the whole nine yards touching his genitals right. So I discovered he was Kinky and went, oh, maybe I'll just put some red rope on the bed. And then he was turned on. So I had to shift the way I initiated sex because I was initiating my own blueprint for him and then he was initiating a lot in the sensual. At that time he would come to bed and cuddle and I'd be like, oh God, you know, sexual is limited definition of sex. I'd be like, oh God, he's cuddling again. I guess we're just gonna cuddle and fall asleep, not getting the hint that the cuddling actually meant hey, I'm here. And he would always say, can we just let it unfold? And sexuals want certainty.
Jaiya:I wanna know I'm gonna have the orgasm I wanna know I'm gonna have the intercourse and the unfolding thing would just drive me nuts, because I didn't wanna have it unfold, I wanted to know, I was gonna get the thing I wanted, yeah, and so yeah.
Ian:And people also ask often does sexuality change over a lifetime? And this is a primary example. So Jaiya's in a very different zone in terms of her erotic expression, and now she's saying to me for the last year and a half, can we just let it unfold?
Lee:Do you think that's because of biochemistry? Like hormones fluctuating, premenopausal, whatever.
Jaiya:Yep, I'm a perimenopausal, my hormones are all over the place and crazy and I'm like I never in my life thought I'd reach a place where I'd say, can we just let it unfold, can we cuddle now?
Ian:Can we get?
Jaiya:a hot tub instead.
Ian:And environment plays a role. So the hormones of course play a role. That's another part of the we'll just mention briefly. With the erotic blueprints, we're talking a lot about the five blueprint types, but the erotic blueprint methodology has three fundamental main pillars. You have the erotic blueprint type, you have the five states or stages of sexuality and you have the four obstacles or pathways to sexual health and pleasure. And the four obstacles and pathways include things like what is your bio hormonal health? What's your emotional health? What's your physical health, what's your bio energetic health? So those can be total blocks or those can be through fairs for actual being resourced in your sexuality.
Ian:And then the other thing that can affect it is, well, the person you're with can affect your blueprint type, your environment. So in our day to day life, I'm working, I'm doing things, I'm engaged with our son, I'm engaged in, like, things that create stress or take my focus Inhibitors, inhibitors and I need toggles to move from that space of cortisol and being engaged. And a toggle would be a bath, or it would be massage, or it would be like making dinner and making sure that there's a bridge or a break between that thing that's consuming my mind scape. And then we go on vacation, we get out of our regular my sexual comes away.
Jaiya:And that's because you know we all have inhibitors and things that excite us. For sensuals, the inhibitors are a bit higher. You kind of have a handbrake on and another and maybe your foot break on because there's a lot of inhibition. I'm talking about the dual control response model of sexuality for those people who haven't heard it of it which is where our brain is always scanning for what is sexually relevant. And some people who are sensual, their inhibitors are higher than their exciters, and so some people have less inhibitors because that's just how they're wired Like a sexual is gonna have less inhibitors, and so those things are like that Ian's talking about.
Jaiya:All of the inhibitors have anything to do that's not in a like relaxed environment. So as soon as there's a stressor and that's 80% of people a stressor is gonna be an inhibitor. But for 20% of us I'm one of those a stressor is an exciter. I get stressed and I wanna have more sex, and so you know, depending upon again, this is about your sexual wiring. How are you wired for inhibition or excitation, and when we have too much excitation and not enough inhibition, that's where we get sexual compulsion, and when we have too much inhibition and not enough exciters. And also I'll say you can't. If you have so much inhibition, no matter how many exciters you put on, the car's still not going anywhere because you put all the accelerator on right. You're not gonna go anywhere if the brakes on. So you know a lot of it. For those of us who have a lot of inhibitors, it's about how do we lower those inhibitors. So we go on vacation and now there's no more inhibitor and his sexual now can come up. His arousal can now come up.
Ian:Yeah, and less than 10% of people are walking around in the sexually aroused state at any given moment of their day. So this whole thing that people rely on, on spontaneity I just want it to be spontaneous that's almost an assured recipe for the end of your sexual relationship. To rely on spontaneity that's not where we live. It does in the early stages of relationship, because the limerence is up, the hormones are flying, the you know all those excite signals are there.
Ian:It's new, it's fresh. So one way is like how are you being, how are you recreating your relationship, how are you being inventive? To recreate innovate in your relationship every day.
Lee:Right, being consciously aware of that process of adding variety. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that spontaneous thing, you're right, you gotta give some thought to it.
Ian:Yes, yes, you have to make the opportunity for spontaneity to arise.
Lee:Right, right, exactly, mike, as.
Ian:Sarah Parrell. What's her quote about? Your foreplay begins at the end of your previous orgasm. Right Continue that. It is an orgasmic erotic experience, and how are you weaving that into your everyday life?
Lee:Right Amen so good. Okay so let's. We still haven't gotten to number five yet. Let's do this.
Ian:Yes, let's do it, Shape shifter. So the shape shifter loves it all, wants it all, wants it all the time, wants more. The shape shifter is three hours into an erotic experience. Their lover is about to collapse on the floor and the shape shifter is going like what's happening? We just getting started, right.
Ian:The party just began. Shape shifters are wildly creative. They're like the Bugatti sports car, to stick with the car driving metaphor. They just have all of the you know all the cylinders ready to fire creativity. They become masterful lovers because they can meet the needs of any blueprint type. They love it all, they want to play in it all, so they've probably played with most of it. They've had experience with Tantra and Kink and you know romance and overt sexual acts and play parties and whatever. So voracious appetite.
Jaiya:Especially if they're a sexual shape shifter. That's the biggest appetite of all of them sexually. So you know, if you have a lot of high sexual along with the shape shifter, it's going to be just like.
Ian:Go, go go.
Jaiya:Eat, eat, eat. Yes.
Ian:And then the a shadow of the shape shifter is often being told you're too much, you're too big. So shape shifters have shut down their expression, shut down their voracious appetite. And another shadow for the shape shifter is often they end up starving in their sexual relationships. Because they're so good at shape shifting, they're playing their lovers central blueprint all the time, but their central lover doesn't have the capacity, the knowledge, the know-how to meet them in their kinky, energetic and sexual. So they, they're just starving.
Lee:Oh yeah, my heart hurts a little bit when I think of a shape shifter, because they're good at doing everything and experimenting with everything. But then if they're with a partner who is not a shape shifter, then it would be hard for them to be satisfied. I would admit.
Jaiya:Yeah, and my theory is that we're all shape shifters, as I talked about, we compartmentalize these parts of ourselves. So my theory is that we actually are all of these blueprints integrated. We're actually all that big, we actually all have that capacity. It's just throughout life and conditioning and programming we've we've cut off these certain aspects of ourselves and what we see oftentimes is when people go on their journey with the blueprints, is that by the end of that journey they're all shape shifters.
Jaiya:So you know, even Ian and I, as we've developed, because I've developed to find turn on and kinky, I've developed to find more turn on and I've actually become quite sensual, especially the more I drop into my own femininity and some of those things. I find more sensuality in that, more yin and yes, like Yong in the world and being a business owner and all of that has helped me like, like stepping away from being so much in the business has helped me soften into the sensual a lot, and so we've both expanded to become shape shifters. And yet I still will go to my default. You know like it's like. Okay, I have, I can speak the language, but English is so much easier because, you know, I don't speak French and German in Spanish every day, but it still is. I'm capable of speaking those languages when I need to.
Lee:Right, yeah, and there's muscle memory there. You know, that's just, I guess, what you're used to.
Ian:So of course that'd be a default.
Lee:Oh, that's so good. I love that. It's like an evolution that the more you find out about all and you explore all of these different blueprints, then you just you can tap into each one to varying degrees and just have a more enriching, expansive sex life and relationship in general. I love that it seems like a ceiling, a ceiling that doesn't really exist.
Jaiya:Just there is no ceiling, yeah.
Lee:Just sky's kind of thing.
Ian:How far do you want to go down the rabbit hole?
Lee:Yes, love it, love it. I'm all for going down that rabbit hole. You both are revolutionizing relationships and sexuality. Thank you for being the bright lights in the world that you are. Thank you. I have personally benefited from your work and I know that all of my listeners you guys just have to go go check them out. So where can people take you the erotic blueprint quiz and get into your world? Where so?
Ian:the website for the quiz is theblueprintbreakthrough. com theblueprintbreakthrough. com. You can also find it at eroticblueprint. com. So if you look up erotic blueprints, very likely we're going to be the first one that comes up. There's also a website, which is the main site missjaiya. com, wwwmissjaiya or jaiyalovecom. We have a lot of websites, we have a lot of other websites, but they all lead to the same two different places the main website and the quiz. And then Jaiya just completed the only existing book on the erotic blueprints, which is Your Blueprint For Pleasure.
Lee:Love it, thank you for sharing and I'll leave all these up in the show notes for you all so you'll have links to explore their world, because it's just an amazing world. Thank you. We've only just touched. I had so many more questions, but we didn't even get to them. There's just so much to this rabbit hole and it's all delicious. It's a delicious rabbit hole.
Jaiya:Yes, thank you both so much for being on the show today. Thank you so much for having us and for having us, for having us and for having the conversation and all the work that you do in the world. It's just so beautiful to have an ally.
Lee:Thank you, we all have the same outcome just unconditional love In conditional love, world peace and world peace.
Lee:World peace Awesome, thank you. Did you know that nine out of 10 women don't feel confident touching their man's privates with their hands? I believe being confident in the bedroom means unlearning everything that we've been taught our entire lives about what it really means to have a great sex life and a happy relationship, which is why I created an online video training called Drive Him Wild. I wanna show you how to become the confident woman that you were meant to be, so you can have a passionate and playful connection with your guy. And the best part is this training is yours, absolutely free To dive in. Just go to rockthebedroomcom and we can get started right now.