What happens when the teachings of your faith collide with the realities of married life? Chantelle shares her deeply personal and courageous journey of growing up in the Mormon church and the profound impacts its teachings on sex and intimacy had on her relationships.
Here's your first step in spicing up your sex life--get Lee's free erotic massage technique: rockthebedroom.com/
For new erotic massage techniques every month: rockthebedroom.com/membership
What happens when the teachings of your faith collide with the realities of married life? Chantelle shares her deeply personal and courageous journey of growing up in the Mormon church and the profound impacts its teachings on sex and intimacy had on her relationships.
Here's your first step in spicing up your sex life--get Lee's free erotic massage technique: rockthebedroom.com/
For new erotic massage techniques every month: rockthebedroom.com/membership
I am super eager to jump into this episode and have a juicy conversation with my guest today, because she has had an interesting upbringing at least interesting to me, because it's very different than my upbringing, which had a big influence in terms of her relationships. So welcome, chantel, to the show. Thank you for being here. Thank you, leigh, thanks for having me. Oh, my goodness, this is going to be so good.
Speaker 1:So the little bit that I know about you is and to me I don't know if you've ever come across him he's a standup comedian, fresh. He calls himself the fresh print, a fresh King Benjamin. Oh my gosh. Yeah, you got to look him up. He's based in Utah and he was raised Mormon and in a polygamous cult, basically, and so now he talks about that in his standup and it's hilarious, oh my gosh. So I learned a lot about being Mormon through him, but he's the only person about being Mormon through him, but he's the only person. So it's still pretty new to me. But I know that they have very strict guidelines, especially around sex and intimacy and body parts and all that. So correct me if I'm wrong. In the Mormon teachings, it is a sin to have sex before marriage, correct, correct?
Speaker 2:So I'm born and raised in the church Just a caveat I'm no longer active, just like it was just not where I needed to be anymore and that's just been kind of an evolution over the last couple of years. But yes, so growing up we were told by our bishop that anything done to sexually stimulate yourself or another person was a sin. Outside of marriage was a sin. So that meant, you know, no masturbation. You weren't allowed to look at literature, you weren't allowed to, you know, touch another person. You were just to wait for marriage. And you know there's people that deviate from that teaching. But I was not one of them. And then when I got married at 24, my husband ex-husband now was not. I mean, we were both virgins on our wedding night. Going into this, Right.
Speaker 1:And so what? What was that wedding night like for you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was a lot of guessing. It was a lot of um trying to like insert tab here kind of a situation. Um, my dad's advice was don't expect success on the first try, you know, kind of a situation. We have kind of actually very open family Um, and so, yeah, it was just. It was just kind of like fumbling and not knowing what we were doing, you know, and that greatly impacted the health of our marriage and definitely the health of, you know, our sex marriage, the sex in the marriage, as as the years went on.
Speaker 1:Right, and I'm curious so. Is masturbation a sin during marriage, or were you allowed to pursue that?
Speaker 2:or did you have an interest in pursuing that, figuring out your own body um, it definitely felt like we'd been kind of told like no, like sex toys, no kind of you know, touching yourself. Um, so, even even during marriage like that was definitely from what I understood and what I had been taught like definitely frowned upon, like if anything was going to be happening and it was between you two and that's like how it should be Right.
Speaker 1:I'm assuming it got like a dirty kind of connotation, like that's not pure sex the way God intended it to be? Yep, absolutely Right. Oh my gosh. So I'm wondering during the marriage, were you able to have an orgasm Like, did you experiment enough with each other that you were able to figure that out?
Speaker 2:Eventually, probably about maybe a year into our marriage. I think was the first time I had an orgasm, definitely a lot easier for him, just because, as we know, you know, men and women's bodies are so different and, not knowing how my worked, you know it just yeah, so it definitely took a while to kind of to kind of get there.
Speaker 1:Right, and I'm assuming it was like missionary position and that's it, or?
Speaker 2:Truthfully. So he, he was a highway patrol down in California and he had actually been in an accident and hurt his. He'd been hurt and so, anyway, I actually was on top because he was hurt, and that's actually the first time I came was being in that position, ah good, old injury to got me there, but yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Right, right, and was that awkward for you at first to be in the control position, to be on top Um.
Speaker 2:I definitely think it was yeah. It definitely was yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it definitely was. Yeah, yeah, oh, wow, and so so you had mentioned a little earlier that, um, that sex, what sex wasn't the best in your marriage? What could you paint me a picture of what you mean by not the best, like frequency or quality or um?
Speaker 2:definitely all of the above, and so we also had some things that came into play. He ended up having a um, a cyst in his brain, and when the doctors went in and it took numerous times to fix it they really messed up his um pituitary, um gland, and so because of it, he ended up having to go on medications and, um, it really put a damper on you, you know, his ability to have an erection, to maintain an erection, and so, you know, I was just like, well, you know this, just kind of this kind of stinks, and so, yeah, we just weren't really able to do much.
Speaker 1:Right. So, oh I, oh, my gosh, I hear this all the time. So because he can't get an erection or maintain an erection, then it's sort of like, well, I guess that sex is off the table, right, like, what else do you do? Kind of thing where penis in vagina, that's sex. So if we can't put your penis in my vagina, that's it. If we can't put your penis in my vagina, that's it. Or had you explored, like using hands, using mouth, using, you know, toys or anything like that.
Speaker 2:No, and we really, we really hadn't. So there was definitely like we tried oral sex, like on our honeymoon, and he wasn't a big fan and so that was the only time it ever ever was attempted. And then you know, being told with our upbringing that we weren't supposed to use toys and stuff like that, there just wasn't much sex, just period. And truthfully, it wasn't until a couple of the group meetings a while ago I found out men could have an orgasm without having an erection. I didn't know, that would have been really good to know. 20-something years ago, yeah, a lot. I didn't know, you know that would have been really. No, you know 20 something years ago.
Speaker 1:You know, yeah, a lot of guys don't even know that actually, yeah, I'm alone. Yeah, oh no, you are not. Most women don't know that and a lot of guys don't know that. Uh, yeah, it, it's sort of I guess it's kind of that whole thing If I can't get an erection, then it's just broken period, you know, like sex is off the table, orgasms off the table, all all that good stuff off the table. If I can't get an erection, that's sort of like a prerequisite for all the other fun that can be had.
Speaker 1:Unfortunately, and we're typically not educated any differently no, absolutely not. Yeah, I mean, when you think about it, if you watch a movie and there's a sex scene or some kind of love scene, it always incorporates intercourse. All roads lead to intercourse. There's, there's. No, I mean oral or using your hands or anything like that. Is is sort of a foreplay to get you warmed up, maybe, but it ends in intercourse, like that's the main event kind of thing. And so that's, that's just what we see, that's what we're exposed to, that if we're going to have sex, it's, it's going to be intercourse, that otherwise, what the hell are we doing?
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, wow, okay, so you were married for about 20 years, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so, um, we dealt so, obviously, you know, the sex life, you know, was awful, but you know, you get married and it's just for better or for worse and within the religion it just wasn't customary to divorce. It wasn't even in the back of my mind. You know the idea that we get to the other side and all these things will be fixed and the whole nine yards, and so, yeah, so we were married for years and years and years. He dealt with a lot of depression, you know, which we, we tried so hard to work through, and a lot of issues and it just came, you know, a couple of years ago, that I just knew I couldn't fix them. I just couldn't fix the marriage, I couldn't fix him, I couldn't make him happy, I couldn't, you know, and we'd had, we had two kids at this point, um, and and and I, I tried, you know, and it literally was.
Speaker 2:I was reading like a church magazine to teach the women's group and I came across this article that said, you know, god doesn't lower his expectations for any of his children. And I thought I have lowered my expectations for what a marriage should look like, what, how I should be happy, how I've lowered my expectations and it was a time I thought, oh my gosh, like I don't have to do this for the rest of my life. So, ironically, you know, preparing this lesson for church, you know, made me, you know, end up getting divorced and leaving the church and just kind of this like new road of discovery of like who and what I am right, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:And and why was he unhappy? Like, like there's some, some couples are okay like they're. They can have a relatively happy roommate situation. Even if they can't have sex, they can be amicably roommates. So what, what do you think made your marriage unhappy, and did you go see counseling or anything for it?
Speaker 2:So he, he ended up being hurt as a police officer and having to be medically retired about a year and a half into our into our marriage, um, and that's all he wanted to do. Um, he went straight from high school to the Academy. I mean, this was what he wanted to do. So he definitely slipped into depression and, um, you know, I said, go to counseling. He went like once or twice, um, you know it, just, it wasn't something he was willing to to really explore. And you know, I encouraged him over the years and years like, ok, what do you want to do? Like what I've, I ended up working the entire time to support the family. I've always been the breadwinner, you know which, which was fine, because this is what you do in a marriage you support each other, you love each other, you know better for worse, the whole nine yards.
Speaker 2:But I realized you know better for worse, the whole nine yards.
Speaker 2:Um, but I realized, you know, year after year, he was just not making any progress.
Speaker 2:He just wasn't willing to work on on himself, on finding employment, on, you know, being a really proactive father, husband, um, and it just it had been just like one of those things I think we probably like would have made it and like the sex thing was, you know, was what it was, you know, and that that's fine, but it's all the other elements of not having a partner, not having a lover, not having and just kind of begging for, you know, the minimum of what you need in a relationship.
Speaker 2:And you know, after, you know it was just a few weeks shy of our 20th anniversary, that are, you know, the papers were finalized. But you know I thought I've done this for 19 years, I've had the same conversations and that's enough. I'm going to make myself and my kids a priority, which I had done a few years previous to. So I realized, if I couldn't change him, I was going to be the best mom, the best employee, the best best. I was going to focus on myself and and that's what I did, and then realized I just this still is not enough for me.
Speaker 1:Right, good for you for wanting more, for not just settling and deciding that you know a decades old promise you know you wasn't was no longer relevant to your current situation. Like how can we promise forever when you know life throws us certain things that we didn't know. We didn't know what we were saying yes Till death to us part over and yeah, I don't know, I mean and in relationships it's the agency of two people.
Speaker 2:I mean you cannot make someone do anything. Yeah, you just can't. And so, yeah, you make these promises of like we will do this, and then when one doesn't, you know, and you've explored every avenue, then you got to make a better choice for yourself.
Speaker 1:I am, I'm so proud of you. Did you? Did you kind of separate yourself from the Mormon religion prior to like at some point in the marriage, or was that after you got a divorce?
Speaker 2:Um, so about a year, about a year, so about like year 18 or so. So I realized I just this is I can't, I can't be in this marriage anymore. I don't, you know, believe in the teachings, you know of the church so much. And I went to our bishop and was like, hey, I don't want to, I don't want to be married anymore, and I don't have ill feelings towards the church. I wouldn't ever talk bad about an organized religion.
Speaker 2:But our bishop, in counseling, you know, my husband and I at that time, um, you know, meeting with the bishop, and he was just saying like the only grounds for divorce are abuse. Um, is he, you know, sexually abusing you? Is he physically abusing you? And I said no. And he's like then you, you know, I'll counsel you guys, you know, stay together and work this out. And I said I, I know this is not going to work out and I know praying more isn't going to be the answer to fixing this. And he's like, oh, that's just what you do. And so I realized at that point, wow, this really isn't what I need to hear. This isn't going to make you know us as a couple any stronger. And then really kind of started questioning, so probably like the last two years, and then really kind of started questioning.
Speaker 1:So probably like the last two years, you know, realizing that if I'm getting this advice from my ecclesiastical leader, like it takes a lot of courage to abandon that. Any faith that you've grown up with is that's just the foundation of of your, of your life, of your morals, of your, you know, decision-making, all the things, and then to just go no, you know what that doesn't, that's not working for me. And to take to have the courage to leave that faith, to leave a broken marriage, to still be a great mom and the best person you can be and put yourself first. That that is not standard practice for a lot of women, especially with a religious upbringing. So, wow, like way to step out of the mold. Wow, like way to step out of the mold.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like you saying yesterday, you know, when you go out on dates, you're like I'm, I'm kind of, I'm kind of a big deal. And I literally had texted my current boyfriend. We were talking about our life and I'm like I love our life, I love you, I love your kids and I fucking adore myself because I have fought so hard to be where I'm at and to be who I'm at and to be completely comfortable. And I'm 45 years old and to get to that point, yeah, there's something about being like just fierce and feminine. You know, once again, going back to like the call yesterday, there's just there's a lot of power in it. There's just a lot of power in it.
Speaker 1:Oh, so good. And for the listeners who, just to clue you in what she's talking about the call yesterday. I have a coaching call every Wednesday with the ladies in my membership and so we talk about all sorts of stuff and yeah, yeah, that was a great call yesterday. Oh, my gosh, fierce and feminine. Oh, I gotta write that down. That is like that's yeah that that there were a lot of fierce, feminine women in on the call yesterday. I'm just so proud of the group I'm surrounded by all these powerful women. It's so great.
Speaker 2:No, it is, it is. And like I found you just on TikTok, like your cute little blonde face, you know, popped up and I'm like, oh, she's adorable. And like I read the back and I was like rock the bedroom and I had just um, so to kind of like continue the story. So I, you know, got out of the marriage, um, and I was like, look, I'm focusing on myself, I'm going to just just really just kind of live it up. You know, I've never had, you know, I named it like my whole face, Like I was going to go through a whole fight. I was like, you know, I've had one sexual partner. I'm 44 years old. I, you know, I'm going to do this up, right. And so, like I hopped on, like social medias, you know, like dating stuff, and I.
Speaker 2:So I found this one guy, cause I was like okay, montana, like who's going to be around my age, and like semi-coherent, like I had very low expectations going into this whole dating thing, coherent, Like I had very low expectations going into this whole dating thing, and this guy popped up and we started dating and he just is perfect, he's just perfect. And so we've actually been dating for a year and so anyway, but like I've, you know, I've dealt. I've had one sexual partner. I had another one before him, you know, just kind of trying things out. And then I've got, you know, this guy and I was like I don't know what I'm doing. Like he's a couple years older than me, he never married, he's had a lot of sexual partners and I'm like, and so literally I was, you know, been early, you know, a year ago, early on in this relationship.
Speaker 2:I was like I gotta figure out what I'm doing. Like I've been faking it, not like orgasm wise, but like faking it, but like I got to start making it and literally came across your thing on TikTok and I was like what? And so I joined, I think about eight months ago, you know, a couple of months into my current relationship, and um, but I love the content. But kind of going back to what we were talking about, I love the women in this group. Like I felt like the biggest freak. I'm like I'm 45 years old, I've had like one penis. Like what am I like? I'm just like a freak. And then when I told my story, you know, a couple of months ago, you know, one of the ladies commented I'm 60 years old and a virgin. Right, I was like, okay and so, yeah, no, it's the community of women that makes this program so powerful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I, no, it's the community of women that makes this program so powerful. Hmm, yeah, I agree, yeah, yeah, because I guess we typically we don't talk about this stuff right. It's, it's hard to talk about, to open up and and you feel like you're like, like you said, you feel like a freak because you think you're the only one. And so when you get around all these women who are even like freakier than you and you know, like there was someone, um gosh, she's in her sixties, early sixties, I think never had an orgasm Like, oh my gosh, and she thought she's the only one. No, she's not, um, you know. So I, yeah, I'm, I'm so blessed to have somehow attracted all these amazing women who are courageous enough to just try something new and be okay with being the freak in the room to just, you know, step forward and realize they're not the freak there. Yeah, Welcome.
Speaker 2:Welcome.
Speaker 1:You, you are in great company. Here's a secret handshake like welcome. You know, yeah, so good, so good, okay. So so I would love, I would love to know the transformation of you being with this guy. He sounds great, he sounds experienced, it sounds like you rocked your world. Am I, am I correct in assuming that if he had multiple partners? I'm assuming he's figured a few things out about the female body.
Speaker 2:Yep, absolutely.
Speaker 1:No complaints, awesome, okay. And so you wanted to, like, step up to the plate and go yeah, okay. Well, maybe I should be able to rock your body too, which is awesome, yay and also feel more confident. Well, yeah, was it primarily that you just were inexperienced and you didn't know other than, like, you just didn't have many skills? Is that why you joined?
Speaker 2:Absolutely, yeah, absolutely. I just didn't want to feel I felt so like just I needed confidence and what, what was happening in the bedroom I didn't know, like about my body as much. I mean definitely explored that the last you know two years kind of a situation, um, but yeah, like what, what to do with this penis, you know, kind of a kind of a situation. Um, I just wanted to be more, more confident, and that's definitely what attracted me to what you were doing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, confidence is how. How quickly was it when you started watching the training videos? How?
Speaker 2:quickly. Did you start feeling more confident? Did you start feeling more confident, um, pretty right away? Um, it definitely was nice to. I mean, you lay out your program, so great it's, you know it's step-by-step, and you're like don't jump ahead, you know, do the steps. And so I was pretty good with that.
Speaker 2:Um, I'm also kind of like a perfectionist and so, like I was like, oh, I screw this up, um, you know, I don't know it'll fall off or something. But like you, just you, just you just kind of keep going forward and, like you said, all the time you have your hand on his, on his penis, like you, like he's not gonna know you skipped a step, he's not gonna know any of that. And the more you become confident, like you just enjoy it more. And truthfully, I thought I was broken, like I did not love. You know, I wasn't big into having sex because we weren't having it. I no longer, you know, respected my husband, um, because he wasn't providing in all the different elements and aspects of a life, um, and I thought, oh, maybe just you know, whatever Um, and then being in this new relationship, um, feeling confident in what I was doing, having somebody who is just great, I realized oh no, I really do like sex and I really do like being pretty good at it. I mean, this program is definitely what got me there.
Speaker 1:Right, I hear that so often. Whenever, like when I go on TikTok Live and I hear someone go, oh, I just don't like sex. Like when I go on TikTok live and I hear someone go, oh, I just don't like sex, it makes me go. Hmm, I challenge that statement because maybe you don't like the sex you've been having, which is crappy obviously, otherwise you would like it and maybe you've had selfish partners. Or maybe you don't know what to ask for. You don't, you don't know how to initiate because you don't or you don't want to initiate because you don't want to go down the same old road that you keep going down, that you're not enjoying.
Speaker 1:Obviously, yeah, you're going to hate that kind of sex, but there's different kinds of sex and so, yeah, I, I love that. I, I'm kind of in the boat with you where I was like you know, if I could be married but never have sex, ever, I think that would be a good situation. And now I'm no longer of that opinion. But at the time it's kind of like, yeah, it just doesn't do it for me and it was hard for me to have an orgasm in the beginning. So in my earlier years, and I didn't know how to ask for someone to do better or, you know, to touch me here instead of there and do this instead of that. I didn't know any of that either Now that I got some skills love sex. So I yeah, I get where you're coming from and I love that you were able to cross that bridge to enjoying it Right With the person.
Speaker 2:And what you do. You know teaching us techniques. It translates out of the bedroom. You know, and you've said that multiple times and that is so true. You know you teach us like. You know asking questions like is this good, harder, faster, softer? You know whatnot. Questions like is this good, harder, faster, softer you know whatnot. And you it is opening this communication, especially from someone like me. You know this very, you know religious background, you know to talk about it, to initiate it to, to all of that just felt so foreign. But when you start doing that, like you said, like it opens the door for him to communicate, ask you questions, and it really does translate out of the bedroom. You know I'm willing to ask for like hey, look, you know, I just I'm being super needy, I'm just gonna need a lot of hugs and kisses, like when you get home from work and you're like cool, I'm there, I'm doing this. It just it translates out of the bedroom, which is just makes for a much more fulfilled, intimate relationship on just all those different levels.
Speaker 1:Right, and don't you find that, like just conversations about anything, that might be a little typically a little bit of a difficult conversation? Or if you were to have a conversation about a specific thing, it could lead to a fight or something? Do you find that those kinds of conversations are now a whole lot easier and an easier to avoid a fight, easier to not emasculate him or just easier to dive into, instead of brushing it under the carpet and not not addressing whatever is Going on up here? You know, up in your brain you're thinking. You're thinking, oh, I don't really like that, but I don't know how to talk about it. Is that easier to talk about now?
Speaker 2:Absolutely, absolutely. Cause you think, look, if I can have awkward conversations about sex and like, do you like this, then I can have the awkward conversation of like hey, could you pick up your socks, you know, and and just, and it just, there's just this connection, that's there. That, yeah, I mean, if I can have those conversations, I can definitely have these conversations and have my needs met outside of the bedroom. Absolutely, without a doubt.
Speaker 1:Right, oh, so good, getting our needs met, because I think you know, as women, just generally speaking, we've been, we've been second class citizens up until until just a couple decades ago and, you know, haven't typically been given rights, we haven't been able to speak our truth. And so to find this beautiful, magical place of being able to speak your truth in a relationship and get the things that you need to feel fulfilled and happy and and and all that Gosh that is so magical, that is, that's the hokey pokey, that's what it's all about, right.
Speaker 2:Yep absolutely.
Speaker 1:You get through too many years of a non-happy relationship that I think you're due for a really happy one, and I believe that without good communication skills, not going to get there yeah Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely Important. Yeah, you know, and so many of the women are. You know, they're just like I don't, and I was the same way, like I don't know what's out there. I don't know if I'm going to find a guy who could communicate or meet my needs and one like you mentioned numerous times in the calls. You have to know your worth and when you do, you attract those people. And there are really good men out there and there's really good women out there and who, I mean are just, are just great people. And it's possible, and, especially as you learn these tools and you are able to incorporate them into your life, when you can be really happy I mean, you know, starting over at 45, and being incredibly happy. I mean, yeah, I mean it's, it is, it's just a dream, it is what it's all about, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you could have easily been really jaded. You know, after so many years of being neglected in a lot of ways and having to, you know, carry, carry the family in certain ways, my gosh, it would have been super easy for you to be jaded and just to go ah men, suck, you know, you down, or whatever.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, no, I appreciate that yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, you and you would have been justified. And there are so many women out there. Oh my gosh, if you read any of my social media, um, uh, the comments in any of my posts, oh my gosh, there are so many women out there who are like like, yeah, but who's teaching the guys how to treat us well? You can tell they've been hurt, you know they've been stomped on, they have not been treated well and so they feel very justified in ragging on the guys and kind of generalizing that all guys suck and that's a slippery slope because there are great guys out there. You're with one of them. So yeah, absolutely yeah, and so like how? If you were to, you know, I would love to know some of the, the highlight points of how you, how you feel and how you're being treated in your current relationship with your boyfriend, as opposed to how you were treated and how you feel or how you felt in your marriage. Like what? What are the? Let's contrast those two situations.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so definitely in my marriage, um, marriage which is 100% on me, you know, and I can't necessarily be all in the church, but, like I did not know about my body, I did not know about what I liked, what I you know, none of that, none of that. So I felt very unsatisfied, I felt very unseen, I felt that I wasn't able to voice what I needed, um, I felt, uh, that I wasn't able to voice what I needed, um, and it just felt very, very lonely and very trapped and very unproductive and unfulfilling and I just I just knew it wasn't right. And in this, this new relationship, I mean, I mean, we talk um. You know, we've never really had like a fight, um, because we will talk it out, we'll talk it out and we'll talk it out and we'll talk it out. And I feel very seen and very heard and very loved and it's it is it's this huge dichotomy between what I had and what I have now and it's just, it's just really amazing. It's just really amazing at that place.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that. I want to touch on that point you just made, how I love that you owned your part. Like I didn't know my body so I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't, you know. A lot of women assume that their pleasure is in the hands of the man, that the guy's got to know what to do to us, like who's educating the guys you know? And, oh my gosh, that's giving away your power. I think when you just expect the guy to just know without cluing him in, I mean, even he can. He can be a fairly experienced partner and still not know your body, because every woman's body is different and, um, some, some women like this part of their body stimulated during during sexy playtime, and other women don't want that. That's irritating, you know they. They like different parts stimulated and so so we can't just leave hand over our power and our pleasure to the guys to be, able to speak up?
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely. And so I've got a daughter who's 18. She's a freshman in college and about, maybe about a year ago or so, like I, went, totally different than how I was, you know, brought up, and I said Look, here's a toy. Figure out your pleasure. You are not going to. You have to know, you have to know you. You have to know your body, know, you have to know you, you have to know your body, your, you know, sexual satisfaction really is on you, it's not on him. And once you know, you can direct him, you know, lovingly, you know, and respectfully, um, but it's your responsibility to know your body. It's your responsibility here, have at it, you know, and if I'm going to hell for that, I will gladly be amongst friends, because I, I could not, you, you know, damn my daughter to the same experiences that I've had, that I've had.
Speaker 1:So oh, you're such a cool mom. That is the best, because sex is such a hard thing to talk about with our kids and the kids are like mom, I don't want to talk about that with you, you know. But but to be so cool to go here, you go. You know like we try to prepare our kids for life. You know to know how to cook for themselves, know how to clean, know how to pump gas into their car, know how to pay the rent or you know all the things, all the skills that we want to prep them with.
Speaker 1:And yet, um, we often leave out the sex part, and that is such a huge aspect of any kind of happy relationship. So I'm so glad that you embraced the sex part and gave her a toy. And, and the thing is, if she has questions in the future, if something goes south or you, you know she's having issues in the bedroom she's more likely to actually come to you and say hey, mom, I need some advice, because you've demonstrated that you're open and this isn't so taboo that you can't talk about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely, and demystifying it. You know, by demystifying it and talking, you know, in the groups and having all these different women from these different backgrounds, yeah, you realize like, yeah, let's talk about it. Why don't we talk about it?
Speaker 2:You know, and that was probably the biggest thing of me leaving my religious background is that I realized how damaging the purity culture was and I'm like I am not perpetuating that, you know. And so yeah, here's your toy. You know, my daughter, we, we can't, we've got to talk about it. We've got to talk about it. It's natural and it's beautiful and you know it's healthy, and we've got to talk about it. These conversations have to be had.
Speaker 1:Yes, A hundred percent. That's why we have the rock the bedroom podcast. That's the biggest reason why I want to do this podcast is to just normalize these conversations to, to just bring this stuff out into the light and for people to have a lifeline, to to grab onto and go oh okay, so this is normal. This is good to talk about Like we can't normal. This is good to talk about Like we can't. We can't fix a problem, we can't talk about it, absolutely so. And you can avoid a lot of problems just by being able to talk about it. Like you've just saved your, your daughter, huge headaches that she'll never have to go through. You know huge wonderings, huge, you know, feeling like a freak. She, she's not going to feel like that to the extent that previous generations did because you've made it Okay. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it stops with me, you know it stops with us. It stops with you. Know people that are willing to have this conversation?
Speaker 1:Yeah, Breaking that chain of dysfunction. So good, thank you for doing your part. Of course you were destined to uh to meet me, because we, we think very, very much the same. For sure so glad to have you in my community, oh, my God, oh, are there any parting words that you have for listeners who are maybe in a marriage where they don't feel like they have a voice? They feel like they're stuck, you know, like just stuck in that never ending marriage till death. Death, do us part. Do you have any parting words for those women?
Speaker 2:do us part. Do you have any parting words for those women? Yeah, definitely, talk about it to people, you know, get, get outside perspectives and views and then give it your all, give it your all and then if it's, if it's not enough, then you walk away and you have to be okay with that. I mean, I, there's a part of me that's really sad when I stop and think I spent, you know, 20 years being unsatisfied, but also I know I gave it my all and my kids know I gave it my all and being able to walk away from that situation knowing that I gave it my all, I, I literally have no regrets and I love the person I am because of the last 20 years. But yeah, you know, give it your all.
Speaker 2:You know, look at the resources, do counseling. I mean sad, I miss, like every, every other call because I've, I've therapy that same hour, because you have to have somebody to talk to. You know whether it's, you know, lee Jagger, you know on the calls or a bunch of these, you know group of women, you have to have somebody to talk to. So, you know, talk to people, see what you can do, give it your all and then love yourself enough that if it's not enough, you're enough and you get to walk away.
Speaker 1:Yes, love that. And I would add, to talk to people who are there to support you, because you can talk to certain like family members or friends who are like, no, you can't leave him. That's, you know, like there could have been people from the Mormon community who just pulled you back into that, that marriage, and just didn't want to let you go, you know. And so definitely, yes, talk to people who will support you unconditionally. Yeah, and it could be experts, that could be family members, a lot of different people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I got a counselor who knew of family members, a lot of different people. Yeah, and I got a counselor who knew of she wasn't LDS but she knew of, like, the Mormon culture, so she could help guide me because I was still trying to stay in the marriage at that point. So I got somebody who had that kind of framework but I wanted like unbiased, and literally filed my papers without my family knowing about it, because I wanted this to be on me, knowing that I got no input um, you know, biased input from people that this was my decision. So I, you know, involved a professional, my own feelings and, yeah, I did it, absolutely Hallelujah.
Speaker 1:Thank goodness you did, because you are, you know, you know you. Just, it felt like when you broke free of that relationship and you took ownership of your life. That's when you really became powerful and really became an inspiration in your kids' lives, like you know, to see a powerful parent do something really difficult and see them shine as a result, that's very inspiring to everyone around you, especially your kids, and you're teaching them stand up for yourself. So, wow, I'm so glad that you did, so glad that you did.
Speaker 2:And I opened up space for this amazing person to come into Right, and that's yeah, and that's just a huge blessing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, huge, yeah. I believe that you're a blessing for each other, for sure.
Speaker 2:For sure.
Speaker 1:Cause he's got a woman with magic hands, so I'm sure he's happy. Oh, my gosh, my gosh. Chantelle, you're an amazing person. I I, I liked you before. Now I'm absolutely obsessed now. You are so inspiring and I'm just so thankful that you're in our group with the membership and you the other ladies in the group get to have a little piece of inspiration from you as well. So just thank you so much for all that you like, the energy that you exude and provide and the confidence that you have to share with other women and to inspire them. Thank you so much. You have no idea the ripple effects of even just this conversation like the, the hundreds or thousands of women who may hear this, who are in the same situation, who are going to be inspired to take control of their own happiness. Thank you for being that, that conduit of that message.
Speaker 2:And thank you for like creating this environment where you know we can do this, we can participate in this, and it literally has nothing to do with sex, really, it just is empowering women and making it where you have this whole package to go out and just kill it. So, thank you, thank you very much.
Speaker 1:Oh, you're welcome. Yeah, the intro to this podcast is this is the first non sex sex podcast. And and when I, when I, you know, to ask some, some of my friends, what do you think about this intro, they're like what do you mean non-sex sex podcast? And it's. It's not really about sex. It's about confidence and empowerment and taking responsibility for your own happiness and your own, your own needs fulfilled, and it's not really about sex. Like, you can have great sex when you have all that other stuff. But, yeah, so I I'm glad you figured that out, so glad to have you here. Thank you so much for being on this episode. Wow, this is so good. Thank you for having me. Oh, thanks so much.