Decide On Joy
What Is Authenticity
Hello and welcome to this episode of Decide on Joy, a podcast coming to you from Harmony Spiritual Center in Fort Worth, Texas. My name is Jim Kovalt.
Pjae:And my name is Rev. Dr. P. J. Stanley. Thank you so much for being here today.
Jim:P. J. is the minister here at Harmony Spiritual Center. And today we're talking about About what is authenticity and why be it.
Pjae:Exactly. So we just might as well start talking about, you know what's the issue with authenticity. We'll talk about how to be it and what it means and why it's so important. But the thing is this. When you don't live authentistically, Ah, hmm, easy for you to say. Ha ha ha. Authentically. Oh my god, I still said it wrong. Maybe
Jim:authentically.
Pjae:How about that?
Jim:Yeah.
Pjae:There it is. And there you have it. You see, I'm not embarrassed to not be able to pronounce that word. Anyway, so not showing up, is that not living that authentically you don't allow yourself really to love yourself, to say, I'm good, I'm okay. Showing up as exactly who I am and not having to try and see what somebody else wants to show me. wants me to show up as and then try to be that. So you're constantly shifting around and trying to see what what needs to show up as far as other people are concerned as opposed to just Showing up as you and being okay with that and being okay with how they receive you So that's a lot that's a lot of work and that's I've said a lot And I can understand why some people won't want to do that. But that's what it's about. It's really about loving yourself
Jim:How how can you How can you decide, how do you know when you're being authentic, when you, when you're being your
Pjae:That's a great, that's a great question. And I, I think it's just like pretty much anything else. It kind of resonates with you. You know, when you're, when you're, when you're making yourself be quiet, when you don't, when you won't say something or speak up when you hear and you know that someone's saying something, it doesn't make any sense, it doesn't resonate with you, but you don't show up and say, Hmm, that's not been my experience. That's not showing up authentically. You don't have to agree with what everybody says. So, so that's one way in which it's pretty much, pretty clear to you that you are silencing yourself or showing up as something else because you're just trying to get along with the conversation or with whatever you're doing. But there I agree with you, we talked about this earlier, that there are instances where you don't necessarily know that you are not showing up as your authentic self because you haven't actually figured out what that looks like. And the reason why we haven't figured that out is because there's a lot of, you know, of rules, regulations people you're supposed to be like a mom, a daughter a boss, a student, whatever it is. And there's all of these rules about that role. And so sometimes we step into the role with those preconceived notions of what they're supposed to look like, as opposed to how you want it to look like for you to be satisfied. Right.
Jim:And sometimes in the moment you might be putting on a particular mask or whatever. Because it suits the needs of the other person, then you, you know, for instance, that they, they want to, want you to appear as, as a, a character. Competent administrator or whatever, correct. And so you do what you believe they think that looks like
Pjae:I like that when you say what you do what they believe it looks like and you're exactly right I mean think they believe it
Jim:looks like you don't even
Pjae:oh my god. I love it You just backed it on back up what you think they think yeah
Jim:So you
Pjae:see how hard that is? I'm how much work you're doing to be thinking about what they think what you might think. Oh my stars Yeah. It's really difficult. And, and, and, and conversely, it's difficult for you to actually show up as your authentic self when you haven't really figured out. What that is and so just taking some time we've talked about this on several Different programs and certainly on sunday morning. I talk about it ad nauseum About about about finding out who you are what you value and what you believe This is why it's important because that's how you show up as yourself but back to the thing where you don't necessarily know And and how do you become to know from those positions? Those places sometimes just something happens. A relationship is disrupted. You we talked earlier about masks You use the word masks and I'm, not really sure that we even know that we're showing up with a mask on Because we we want the relationship or we want the job or whatever it is. And so we can see because we're smart We can see that. This is what they you know You start talking one way and you can see they're leaning away from you or leaning towards you so you adjust You How you respond to them. And so you are adjusting and creating this inauthentic person this mask as you go because you have a goal. And the goal is to either be in a relationship or to get the job or whatever it is. So that's why some of this this not being authentic is, is there, and you don't even realize it because we've just done what we need to do to get the goal without actually seeing the overriding goal of, of being who you are.
Jim:Right.
Pjae:If that's your overriding goal, it may not be yours, but, you know, that's what we're talking about.
Jim:And it, that, that, that genuine self or whatever you want to call that. I love that word. My, it's not necessarily a simple thing, it's a multi faceted thing. Oh,
Pjae:my stars.
Jim:I mean, as, as we were saying earlier, it's, I, I come from a theater background and it's acting of the, of the really good sort, you're inevitably using some aspect of yourself if it's, if it's going to work, if it's really going to, and you have to find that somewhere in the process of rehearsal and everything, that that is some aspect of you that maybe you don't normally,
Pjae:exactly, pull up, allow the show, allow it to show up, yeah, and everybody around you doesn't want it off the leash either. So, you're saving yourself and them, yeah.
Jim:And so, you know, and there are things, likewise, acting wise, some things are going to be out of your reach. And those are definitely not
Pjae:part
Jim:of that. You can copy what you see people like that doing or whatever, but you can't actually connect with it. So all that I'm saying is it's not, it's like, oh, here is, here is my true self. Right. Simple, straightforward. That's how it works. I am this. Right. It might be several things, and you might Adjust levels. I
Pjae:like that. I do. I do. And just how much of that you want to, to to come out in this particular instance because there's not just one thing going on, you know, as you talk, there's not one thing going on. Number one, what, what are all the goals that, that you have in your mind about, about what you want to accomplish in this conversation with someone or in this ongoing relationship with someone? And so you, and the, and the discovery. There's a, you, you don't necessarily show up, and particularly from age to age, like you give it 10 decades, or 10, or 20, 30, 40, you, you You're going to be a different person and you haven't necessarily recognized that you haven't recognized that what you've learned what you've grown to be what you have discovered Is or is not okay with you? And now you have to adjust Who how you show up and that may or may not be okay with the people that you have had? Relationships with because now you're saying I don't like I I have to tell say what I see I have to say what I see and you've been a person who has been masking that What you see and just saying what the group wants to hear and now you want to be this person who says what he sees or she sees. Now, how's that going to work? With the relationship that you've already created. Yeah. They may or may not adjust to it. They may say, who, what, are you on drugs? What is it you're, what is it you're doing? How are you, who is this? They don't even necessarily recognize you. So there is some There is, I don't, there fear is not the word I want to use, concern maybe is the word, that as you are recognizing and, and beginning to reshape and say, hmm, I haven't been that for a while, I don't wish to be that, I, I am this, this is how I've, this is how I've evolved, you know, because we do evolve this is how I've evolved, and it's going to be okay with me, it has to be okay with me To, to, that some people are going to fall out of the circle that I've been in, are going to ask me to step out, in the way that they do, just by not showing up and not returning your calls or whatever. You're going to be released from that circle. And, but, but, it's, it's like, it's like, But the law of circulation, everything, you know, I was in my, in my garage the other day just looking at all these clothes that are out here in this other closet that I have in my garage. I'm like, when's the last time I've had any of this crap on? Nothing can come in if you don't make a space for it. And you just have to make a space. So I got rid of, that's what you saw in my card the other day, I had just, when I came in, I had a pile of stuff and I dropped it off to allow someone else to use it because I haven't used it for a while, I'm not going to use it. So in terms of the law of circulation, the giving and receiving, you don't need to hang on to things that are no longer useful to you. No longer even yours, no longer serving you to make room for the thing that needs to come in now, the thing that you want to be. And so that's a, that's a whole other, you know, laws of circulation and the laws of giving and receiving, but but that's how it works. So to hang on or to try to hang on to something or some aspect of yourself that really isn't even you, your authentic self doesn't get a chance to shine and authenticity, your bit, your authentic self will shine.
Jim:Yeah. This just occurred to me, but I think it's possible, also you're talking about building a self in a relationship to work for what you think the other person wants. But it also might be possible that the other person might call forth your authentic self.
Pjae:Exactly. That is exactly correct. You're just in a situation now where it is okay and you can feel it. To be, that's what they want from you. Like show me, don't, don't just respond to what you think I want. Show me your real self. That's why I'm here. And that is, man, that is, that's a person you want to keep in your life. That's the person I want to keep in my life. Someone who, who, who is okay with me showing up who I am authentically. And the moment I show up, something doesn't. I don't think I like that Doesn't even allow themselves to get you know to get used to it to see it to see if maybe they would I think I think that the universal law of attraction You know We talked about this a lot you attract birds of a feather people that are like you people that are like mine So whatever if you're not showing up authentically, what are you pulling? What are you drawing and attracting into your life? So you're really not Attracting the people that would serve your life and that you would serve theirs as well. So that's another reason why you want to as best you can and this is it's a work in process, work in progress. It's a work in your whole life because we're always changing and evolving. So what was working yesterday physically yesterday doesn't necessarily work for you today and you have to figure out what happened there because that was working really well. Why don't I want to be there now?
Jim:I
Pjae:don't, and I don't.
Jim:And so, what are some strategies for living authentically? Exactly.
Pjae:Well, you know, the thing we've talked about all the time on this show, and we'll be talking about it for, because it's a, it's a, it's a base point for who you are and how you want to show up, and that is to know who you are. Be self aware. Self awareness is a big deal and being self aware means knowing what matters to you, what matters to you. And so your values show up. That's what, that's what your values are. What matters to you, telling the truth caring for other people, being kind, um, showing up as you just, you know courage. Courage is a high value for me because I think that Anything you're trying to do, anytime you have a vision for your life, you have a life that you're living right now, that's who you are, and there's a life that you want to become, that you want to be. And that border between who you are and where you want to be, that border crossing is courage. You have to cross over into courage every single time, not just once. Because you're going to always be evolving, learning, knowing more about yourself, wanting the next, you know, the next rung up the ladder for you, whatever that may look like. And so, it's going to take courage to step up on that rung, because you're not going to know what's there until you get there. So so, so being self aware is a, is a, is a great strategy. Knowing what you're passionate about, you know. And, and for me, people use the word passion. For me, I use the word joy. The passion means what brings me joy in my life, and what brings me joy is people, actually loving people, supporting myself and others, and not leaving myself out of that. I'm a people too, so I don't leave myself out of that, but you know, just knowing what your passions are that's one of the, one of the biggest strategies that you use. There's more.
Jim:On a, on a popular
Pjae:I think it is. I think, I think being authentic, you have to, you do open yourself up to be vulnerable to show your true self and be willing to, for someone to say, Hmm, I don't like that. And that's, you open yourself up to be vulnerable and to say, Hmm, okay, well, this is who I am. I'm going to show up this way and we either adjust to that or we don't. And then whatever that, whatever that outcome might be, but that, but opening yourself up to, to be, to being vulnerable, to having people judge what you're saying, to, to not doing what the common thing to do is what people say, Oh, no, no, that's not, we're going to pretend that this is what we all are going to be doing. And this is what may end up and you, you're not playing that game anymore. So you open yourself up for. Judgment. Criticism. That's, that's the vulnerable part. But if you love yourself, if you have, if you know what your values are, and you value who you are, then you're going to want to show up as you, and it's not dependent upon whether somebody likes that or not.
Jim:Yeah a hard thing to avoid, and particularly in A lot of aspects of how things are going today. I mean, you look at extreme example politicians Yes, present themselves as Whatever it takes to get you to vote for them. Correct, you know, correct, but that's an extreme example. It is but We're kind of trained to do that. Yes,
Pjae:we are. Let me see what you need, and then I become that. Whatever you need, I become that. Instead of, this is who I am, is this what you can, what works for you? This is who I am, does this work for you? And so we're doing it, absolutely. Let me get in your, let me get in your head, let me try to figure out what you want me to say, how you want me to be, let me be that. And that, you can, just me saying that just feels yuck.
Jim:Yeah.
Pjae:Just even saying it.
Jim:Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I think maybe neither of us would be ideal politicians. Oh, clearly
Pjae:not. No, that's not something I would even go after. I mean, there
Jim:may be exceptions there, but you know, the more, the more there's constant polling going on and everything, the more
Pjae:Trying to figure out where the mind of the people are, and then saying what they want to hear, as opposed to what are you actually going to do, and I'm not just going to use politicians, but in anything, in the job that you take on. I know when I took this job on, you know to become the spiritual leader here, I, I we talked about it, the whole group, I, you know, we're gonna, we're going to agree, and this is what I'm bringing, and it either works for you or it does not. And that's okay. Let's just say, this is what I'm going to be doing, and does it work for you? Let's, let's agree or not agree, and there, and there we go. So I, I wasn't willing to come and pretend that I was something else. This is who I am. And, because, and, I don't, yeah. I actually don't have the ability to hide who I am. I really don't. So it is what it is. Lucky you. Well, sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes there's not a being called obnoxious. Good God someone is obnoxious. Whatever. She's crude. She's loud. She's obnoxious.
Jim:I, I think a lot of people probably find it harder to, to, to, Find who they are and present as that.
Pjae:Yeah, I think you're right.
Jim:You know, and I just thought of another theater example You auditions which are an odd thing in themselves And no one really likes them from either side. Okay So they're I mean within a limited time frame probably you are presented with this this part and Maybe probably you're not at that point going to get to the actual You thing that you might be after weeks of rehearsal and whatnot. Right. Right. But you have the option to go for what you find there. Right.
Pjae:What, what you interpret there, what you see.
Jim:I know this director, I know what they probably want. So they, yeah, they're expecting this.
Pjae:Yes.
Jim:So it's, it's that choice on a smaller scale. Yeah, I agree.
Pjae:And again, the larger goal. You know, is to get the work, you know, because you are an actor and that's what you do. You act. And so you can act as if I'm the part that the director wants, you know? So I get that. I do. I do. That is the job. It's a job.
Jim:It gets a little more complex the more you think about it. And acting itself, well, you know. For those who don't do it may seem pretty straightforward, not at all.
Pjae:Well, the thing you said earlier, you know, talking about masks. You know, we all do that. If that's not acting, I don't know what is. Yeah. You know, we all look and think, well, what masks do I need to show up in as, on my job, at my, at my spiritual center, or wherever you go to, around my friends, when, if, if you're a, a, a stepper of some sort, you know, what is, because there's always, There's always rules. Every, they're stated and unstated rules of behavior for everything and everywhere you go. So the question becomes, are those rules aligned with who you wanna be and how you wanna show up? Mm-Hmm. or not? And that takes some thinking, that takes some exploring. And the first time, or the few, first few times or the first six months that you show up into something, you may not recognize that, that there are rules that you're not going to, a behavior that you're not gonna agree with. Not until you're in the whole thing fully, you go, oh, wait a minute. And backing back out, that doesn't feel good. It's like you're thinking, oh, how come I didn't realize that? Because the full thing wasn't shown. It took six months to see it all.
Jim:Right, exactly.
Pjae:It took a long time to see the whole thing. It's
Jim:the unstated
Pjae:rules that
Jim:get
Pjae:you. There you go. That's, exactly. It's the assumed, the rules that everybody knows about but nobody says. They're not written down anywhere. But they're absolutely rules.
Jim:Yes. Yeah.
Pjae:Yeah.
Jim:And sometimes you might make the choice to say, okay, I want to be in whatever this context is. Right. If that means I have to, not discard, but, but,
Pjae:yeah, just put it in this pocket over here. For the time I'm here. Right.
Jim:What I consider my genuine self, then I'm willing to do that because that's what I need to do this. But yeah. There's an extreme version of that. A streaming series recently, I've forgotten its name now. That's good. Where they actually, they have to agree to the process, I think, but there's some sort of process they do on people where their work person has no knowledge of their non work person and vice versa. So they're totally,
Pjae:Separate entities. Yes. Okay. All right. Interesting.
Jim:Yeah.
Pjae:That'd be interesting to look at. Take a look at that. Yeah.
Jim:I
Pjae:don't know how
Jim:that would work. I got tired of it after the first episode, but a startling idea. It is.
Pjae:And how can I even, I mean, just the way the brain and the mind works, I don't know. You'd have to have some kind of, what, some sort of computer kind of aided situation that blocks that off? Yeah, some sort of circuitry thing that drops, yeah. I mean,
Jim:obviously it wasn't, I don't think it's available technology at the moment. If it was, I'm sure there's some corporations that would be all over it.
Pjae:Or could already be all over it, but let's not get into all of that. Yeah,
Jim:yeah. So A topic here, I see growth. Yes, yes. Finding areas where you can pursue growing that.
Pjae:Exactly. And here's a, the thing that we know, we kind of resist as human beings, but we know you're either growing or you're shrinking. There's no, the mind doesn't sit still. Your body doesn't sit still. It is movement. There's movement all the time. And what we want to try to do as best as possible is be deliberate about the movement. Which way is it going and guide and direct that so that we have the life that we're looking for. So, so to intentionally. To intentionally look at yourself, look at your life examine the self, self awareness, what matters to me, what does not matter to me being a kind person matters being a, being a, being a person who actually does grow, who, who actually looks to see what's new. What is new that I'm unaware of? And so always kind of looking at those kinds of things, whatever it is. So growth and identifying and pursuing the areas of in your life where you want to grow. You know, I'm, I'm not as, I'm not as strong in this as I, as I'd like to be. And it's up to you to decide what area that is, but there's so much room all the time in our lives for. Growth. If we just decide on it, and that's what this thing is called, Decide on Joy. This podcast, and the moment we decide on something, the universe gets busy bringing us information about it, about how it happens. So really, the power is in your, is in you. The power is in your hands, is in your mind to say, yeah, I want to grow. The moment, that's all you have to say, yes, I want to grow, and things just start coming into your periphery. There you go. Oh, that's interesting. I was thinking about that. Yeah, whatever. And so, but the moment you make a decision, that's, that's what gets the universe busy and bringing you what you need to know. So, make a decision. So
Jim:you don't need to think of your authentic self, your genuine self as a fixed thing. It's
Pjae:not a fixed thing. Thank you for saying that. It's not fixed. It can't be fixed, because we're always evolving. So the thing to be doing a lot is to just, you know, and when I say a lot, I just mean periodically through your life, is this still working for me? Is this who I say I am? Am I actually showing up? Because sometimes you declare something, particularly when you do your values, this matters to me, but then you go about it and you're like, well, Does it? Because I haven't actually shown up for that. I haven't put any money towards it. I haven't put any energy to it. So maybe it was something I thought should matter because it mattered to my mom or it mattered to someone that was important. But it doesn't, I don't really care about this. I'm going to let this little thing go because I've got to make some room for what actually does matter to me. How many things can you care about? We don't have that much time, I mean, how much space in your mind and heart and energy can you carry? So that's, for me, I'm always looking at your top, my top five, and if I can live my top five values, I feel like I'm living who I say I am. That's it. That's it.
Jim:Which, of course, sort of consciously setting down what those are, rather than saying, oh yeah, I'm sure I have, I have five values. No,
Pjae:absolutely. And there's something that gets, that crystallizes in your mind and in your body when you actually commit. To writing it down you write because you can say it We our minds go from leap from one thought to the next to the next to the next but there's something about Writing it down that crystallizes it. So yes, it's important that you say something matters Well, then if it matters enough, it's like a contract with yourself write it down If you're if you're hedging on writing it down May not mean that much to you or it may not mean enough for you to commit to it. Don't let it go There's no shame in that. This is you talking to you Somebody else is here inside your head listening to what's going on. You do it. It's okay.
Jim:Yeah,
Pjae:it's all right
Jim:Okay, so Is that a good place to stop? I think we're good. I think we've examined
Pjae:this quite a bit
Jim:We will stop there for today and I will clean up where I dumped over this glass of water I'll be good. Thanks for being here and we will see you in the next episode.
Pjae:Absolutely