The Q&A Files
The Q&A Files drops A Wellness Explosion
💥 BOOM! Attention Wellness Warriors. The game changer you have been waiting for is finally here. Say hello to “The Q&A Files,” where wellness meets revolution and your questions lead to new discoveries. Spearheaded by Trisha Jamison, your host, a Board Certified Functional Nutritionist. Cohost Dr. Jeff Jamison, a Board Certified Family Physician, and featured guest, Tony Overbay, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. This podcast blends three diverse perspectives to tackle your questions on health, nutrition, medicine, mental wellness, and relationships. Dive into a world of expert insights and actionable advice, all sparked by your curiosity. Tune in, ignite your wellness journey, and join the Wellness Warrior community.
The Q&A Files
30. The Happiness Trap: Accepting Emotions for a Richer Life
Ever had a moment so heartwarming and amusing that it became a family legend? Tony kicks off this episode by sharing his grandson's first bathtub mishap and the playful quest to choose his grandparent name, possibly settling on the endearing "Captain Gumpy." Meanwhile, Jeff and Trisha bask in the beauty of their morning walks during the summer, contrasting with Tony's humorous tales of enduring sweltering heat. These anecdotes set the stage for a celebration of life's small but impactful joys.
Next, we dive into the complexities of "Nice Guy Syndrome," based on Robert Glover's "No More Mr. Nice Guy." Have you ever thought that being overly nice would solve all your problems, only to find it led to dishonesty and rage? Through candid personal stories, we examine how striving for approval and avoiding conflict can backfire, and the liberating power of letting go to reclaim personal strength. Jeff contributes his own struggles and triumphs, offering relatable insights into breaking free from these limiting patterns.
Trisha negotiates the complexities of Steven Pressfield's book "Turning Pro." He contrasts amateur's with professionals, emphasizing commitment, discipline, and overcoming resistance. Pro's show up consistently and take responsibility, while armatures procrastinate and seek quick rewards. Trisha reflects on these idea while on a hike with her son Brayden, recognizing her own growth.
To wrap up, we explore the nuanced journey toward happiness and fulfillment through acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), inspired by Russ Harris's "The Happiness Trap." Is the pursuit of perpetual happiness actually making us miserable? We discuss how embracing a full range of emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, can lead to a richer, more meaningful life. We also delve into practical strategies from Rick Hansen's "Buddha's Brain" for cultivating a positive mental landscape and mastering professional habits for success, guided by the teachings of Tony Robbins and Steven Pressfield. Join us for an episode filled with enriching discussions and actionable takeaways for a balanced and fulfilling life.
We are sure you are just waiting to get your question answered! Email us at trishajamisoncoaching@gmail.com!
Hello and welcome to the Q&A file, the ultimate health and wellness playground. I'm your host, tricia Jamieson, a board-certified functional nutritionist and lifestyle practitioner, ready to lead you through a world of health discoveries. Here we dive into a tapestry of disease prevention, to nutrition, exercise, mental health and building strong relationships, all spiced with diverse perspectives. It's not just a podcast, it's a celebration of health, packed with insights and a twist of fun. Welcome aboard the Q&A Files, where your questions ignite our vibrant discussions and lead to a brighter you. Welcome back to the Q&A Files again. I'm your host, trisha Jameson, and I'm thrilled to be here with my two amazing co-hosts, dr Jeff and Tony. And today we are starting with Tony's absolute favorite thing ever, because he's always ready for celebrations.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay, I wasn't, I'm not. It's so funny when you said that I'm like, oh, I'm ready for the topic of the day, or topic du jour. Okay, celebration is a. There is an amazing thing that I would like to talk about and celebrate and that is the fact that man I'm trying to draw it out here Can I just go another week of grandson because now he smiles I mean within a week he now.
Speaker 1:Every week you can talk about your grandson.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'll do that. Yeah, because I've never been that guy. I will say that last night we're doing the bath and he's laughing and stuff, and then we hear the gurgle from below and it was the first time he had filled the tub the little bathtub with poo.
Speaker 1:So that was an experience.
Speaker 3:That's always fun. Yeah, it was. I told you that smile was gas.
Speaker 2:I told you that last week.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so, yeah, so it was happy.
Speaker 2:And I said he always did that for his grandpa. That was so adorable. So there's my celebration.
Speaker 3:So do your kids call you something other than grandpa? Well, nobody.
Speaker 2:I don't have a name yet and so I've wanted. We're trying to see what'll fit, and and I got to tell you I joked about one so much that now that's in my head and it's Gumpy and you know, yeah, and then I added Captain to it.
Speaker 1:So, Captain, Gumpy, captain Gumpy, where'd you get Gumpy?
Speaker 2:I think we were just making fun of. We looked at a million different grandparent names. I mean, honestly I didn't realize there were so many potential grandparent names. And so we read them all and there was one that was like I think Gump, gump, and then I just said Gumpy. And then I said, oh, what if I could get him to call me like Senator you know, senator, gumpy. And then I just thought, or Captain, you know, captain Gumpy.
Speaker 1:And so and so I'm saying that so much in jest, and my wife absolutely abhors it, and so I I think it'll probably stick.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's hilarious so what is her name? Uh, I should know, she's not grandma, she's. Is she gg? I should know this.
Speaker 1:I don't know um yeah, what do you guys go by sure?
Speaker 2:I'm danny okay and I go by papa, there we go, those go together. Yeah, I was I was gonna.
Speaker 1:I wanted grammy, but our first grandchild couldn't say grammy, she could only come out with nanny. So it's okay.
Speaker 2:Well, that's okay. I'm glad to hear that, because I think part of it is. I will wait and see what.
Speaker 1:What happens they get to kind of choose what you are really.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so it'll be kind of fun yeah.
Speaker 1:It is fun. Well, good Jeff.
Speaker 3:Okay, I always have a soft part in my heart for the summertime and I just love that we've got had some nice weather the last couple of days. It's been extremely hot here over 100 degrees and for the last several days it's been in the 80s. And so I'm just grateful for the weather. We had a little rain yesterday and it helped put out some fires that were going on around us, so I'm just grateful for a beautiful day today. Trish and I went for a walk this morning and it was not too hot.
Speaker 1:That was my celebration. You just stole it away.
Speaker 3:Well, go ahead, honey, you can tell your celebration.
Speaker 1:Well, we've just been trying to do better, getting up in the morning and going for a nice walk, and so we did that this morning and it was so beautiful. The birds were singing and it's just. We live in a beautiful area, just green trees. I just love it.
Speaker 2:So it's very nice and I don't mean to rub that in, tony I've been told that I will have eight months of just a utopian weather and a place. That will be incredible. Right now, though, I think when I left to go to the airport this morning, it was 89 degrees at four in the morning.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh. So what was the high going to be today? Do you know?
Speaker 2:I mean I'm sure it's one one, one, something it is going to be.
Speaker 3:And the 110s.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it is currently. Oh no, it's only going to be 108.
Speaker 1:Oh no, it's only going to be 108. Oh, only 108. Well, it's a dry heat, so you know it's really OK.
Speaker 2:I have to tell you it really is. So I still run as much as I do here that I did here in California, there, and and I'm finding myself going out when it's more warm and it doesn't feel as bad. And then last, last time I was in California, I went on a run and I just drenched. I was drenched with sweat, which I do anyway, I'm a big sweater. But then I looked at the humidity for the first time and it was I don't know, maybe it was 38% in California and there was 20 something. So it really is that dry heat, yeah, and there's always a breeze. So sometimes it feels like a hairdryer is on, but if you're sweating, then it feels, it feels a little bit refreshing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there you go. Okay, well, thank you, gentlemen, that was great, all right. So we've got a fantastic question from Alan today, and he says this question is for all of you what is your favorite book, how has it impacted your life and are there any memorable lessons or quotes from it? Why would you recommend it? So this is a packed question, but a great one. So who would like to share their favorite book and why you like it and what impact has it made on your life?
Speaker 3:Well, I would be happy to go first.
Speaker 1:All righty.
Speaker 3:The book that I. Well, there's a couple of very important books that I like to lead with and one of them, of course, is the Bible and my belief in Jesus Christ, and also the Book of Mormon, which many people don't know much about, but it is also a testament of Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. So those two books are really important to me. But a book that has really set apart some things that have helped me in my own life and to change the way I look at life and I look at myself has been a book called no More Mr Nice Guy by a man named Robert Glover, and no More Mr Nice Guy really connected with me for several reasons. What is nice guy syndrome? So it doesn't mean that you're not going to be nice anymore if you decide you're going to fall into this no More Mr Nice Guy situation, but it really helps you understand a little bit more about what kind of person you are and where I've gone in my life and reasons for it. So kind of an introduction to it is that the nice guy syndrome? It represents a belief and this is a quote. It represents a belief that if nice guys are good, they will be loved and get their needs met and live a problem-free life. When this life strategy fails to produce the desired results, as it often does, nice guys usually try harder, doing more and more of the same. You know, in quoting Tony, using the shovel to dig the hole deeper when you really you want to dig out of the hole, and then, due to that sense of helplessness and resentment, this pattern inevitably produces nice guys that are anything but nice, and I know that you know for me, a couple of things that I felt like that I was doing wrong is that I was seeking the approval of others more so than I was taking care and making sure that I was okay. Nice guys fix and they caretake people. They try your best to avoid conflict at any cost, and they also have to avoid any perceived flaws or mistakes and avoid any conflict that might bring those flaws out and hide and lie. Okay, nice guys seek the right way to do things even though there's no right way. Most of the time, nice guys repress. And nice guys often try to be different from their fathers, which I've tried to do in a lot of ways, but I find myself inching back that way sometimes.
Speaker 3:Anyway, nice guys are often more comfortable relating to women than to men, which is really a problem for some. Men and nice guys have a difficulty making their needs a priority, and nice guys often make their partner their emotional center. So the problems are that when you try and do all these things, you become dishonest, secretive, compartmentalized so that you don't have any feelings in one particular way. You're easily swayed and kind of become a chameleon in any situation, but you're also very manipulative and you try and be controlling of those around you.
Speaker 3:There's a lot of rage in people that are in the nice guy syndrome because you feel like you've been wronged in some way, that you haven't been able to get your needs met because you're constantly not doing it right, whatever right is, and so that just makes you mad. People that are in the nice guy syndrome they fall into addictive behaviors, whether it be alcoholism, other drug use, pornography. What have you? These things are coping mechanisms to try and help yourself feel better. What have you? These things are coping mechanisms to try and help yourself feel better.
Speaker 3:Guys also have difficulty setting boundaries, and so you end up hurting those that you really don't want to hurt by trying to make somebody else feel good about you. Nice guys are often attracted to people in situations that need to be fixed. What perfect place for a physician to be in some place where you want to be the fixer okay and then be highly regarded because you're fixing things. Nice guys have issues because they just aren't able to set the boundaries to be able to save those people they're trying to impress. No, I've got to go do this instead to meet my own needs. People they're trying to impress no, I've got to go do this instead to meet my own needs. So you miss dinners, you miss time with family and you do other things that might cause you problems.
Speaker 2:Okay, can I say that one too, jeff, I so appreciate this. Sorry, I was going to try to not chime in, but I'm such a recovering nice guy as well, and that part too. When you often slay the dragon, you get your validation there and then you expect people to then validate you at home, but then that doesn't happen, yeah, and most of the time.
Speaker 3:When you come home after a nice time of slaying dragons, uh, you come into a situation where everyone's mad at you. Yeah, because you didn't make it to wherever you said you were going to be at a certain time. You miss a birthday party. The baseball game is over and done.
Speaker 1:Before you get back, things like that we don't always know that you're out slaying dragons either, right? So? You're having an expectation that we're not sure how to respond.
Speaker 2:Right. We want you to just know we are. We want you to ask us how was it slaying dragons?
Speaker 1:And I'm so proud of you for slaying all the dragons- so, and I'm so proud of you for slaying all the dragons so we can go oh shucks, yeah Right.
Speaker 3:So one of my favorite quotes from the no More Mr Nice Guy book is this and this is a quote from Robert A Glover from no More Mr Nice Guy Quote surrendering helps nice guys reclaim their personal power. Ironically, the most important aspect of reclaiming personal power and getting what one wants in love and life is surrender. Surrender doesn't mean giving up. It means letting go of what one can't change and changing what one can. Letting go doesn't mean not caring or not trying. Letting go means letting be. It is like opening up a tightly clenched fist and releasing the tension stored inside. At first, the fingers will want to return to their former clenched position. The hand almost always has to be retrained to open up and relax.
Speaker 3:So it is. With learning how to surrender and let go. This is a big one for me. So that's the end of the quote. But yeah, that's something I just. I have a hard time relinquishing control and that's something that with certain family situations that have happened in the recent past, that there are things I cannot control. I'd like to, but I can't, and I just have had to learn to let go and I've been a lot happier for doing it. So, everyone, that's my book. That's why I think it's important, and that's a quote from it that I hope that you'll enjoy and again, the book is called no More, mr Nice Guy, by Robert A Glover.
Speaker 1:Fantastic, that was good. You have pulled that out several times, even just during discussions that have really been able to kind of share some of your own thoughts along with his, and I've really liked learning more about that as well.
Speaker 3:Well, it's really helped me to set my own personal boundaries, and boundaries, again, are things that you choose to do. Inside that you decide you're not going to put up with people treating you badly and you're going to walk away if somebody does. And that's different than an ultimatum, where that's something you impose on someone else, where you say if you don't do this, then I will do that to you or I will do something. And so you know, I find that ultimatums are a big way of controlling others. Where boundaries help me control myself.
Speaker 1:Excellent, very good, very good. Thank you, tony. Do you want to go, or what?
Speaker 2:are your thoughts yeah sure, yeah, go ahead.
Speaker 3:No, tony go.
Speaker 2:Okay, Well, it's interesting because that nice guy syndrome stuff is a big part of my practice. I just released an episode on the Waking Up the Narcissism podcast yesterday that I really go in detail about the differences of nice guy syndrome, emotional immaturity and narciss, because there are certain things that do kind of overlap.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they overlap a little bit, but that I find that more people are by far more emotionally immature or nice guys. But then we kind of throw the label of narcissist out to everybody. Sitting with a client early on in my practice and almost feeling validated, and the fact that he felt he was saying, I just feel like I'm a really nice guy, and I was thinking, yeah, you really are, and I think I am. And he said something like, yeah, I just feel like I could, because he wasn't feeling validated in home and he just was talking about how he's like I bet you, any other person would love to have me be a partner. And I remember thinking, oh, I bet they, any other person would love to have me be a partner. And I remember thinking, oh, I bet they would. But now I look back on that and that was his immaturity, you know, and it really was. So that nice guy syndrome stuff is really fascinating and okay, I'll go pretty quick here.
Speaker 2:There's two. I've got two books. One is the Happiness Trap and it's by a gentleman named Russ Harris and he's. So when I learned about acceptance and commitment therapy, which it really did change my life, changed my practice, and that's the therapy modality I've been using for the past decade and it's it's just. It's amazing because it starts with that premise of you're not broken, you're human and you're the only version of you and you're a combination of all your wonderful things that you are, the nature and nurture, and birth order and DNA, and abandonment, rejection and all those things.
Speaker 2:But the first book I read was called the Happiness Trap and it's such an easy read and it starts off by really talking about why is it so difficult to be happy, and that's where I first learned about this concept of the brain as a don't get killed device. And so Russ Harris is the one that laid out that. He talks about basically the origin story of anxiety, that it was there to protect us, that it was a it was a wonderful thing, a survival skill, but as we've become more modern that now it we're just on overdrive with our anxiety, worrying about so many things that you know 90, 99% of them aren't going to happen, where back in the day that anxiety was there to really worry about because everything was so unsafe and uncertain. But the two quote. There's a quote that I pulled out of that book that I think is so. This is really what got me thinking, and it's two definitions of happiness, and part of it is why the reason it's called the happiness trap is he's talking about.
Speaker 2:Why is it so difficult to be happy? And then the way we're trying to achieve happiness does often cause us to feel stuck in a trap. So, he said, the word happiness has two very different meanings. The common meaning of the word is feeling good, in other words, feeling a sense of pleasure, gladness or gratification. We all enjoy these feelings, so it's no surprise that we chase them.
Speaker 2:However, like all human emotions, feelings of happiness don't last. No matter how hard we try to hold on to them, they slip away every time and, as we shall see, a life spent in pursuit of those good feelings is, in the long term, deeply unsatisfying. In fact, the harder we chase after pleasurable feelings, the more likely we are to suffer from anxiety and depression, because we're just going after the next happy thing, and it's that I'll be happy when. I'll be happy when I get out of college, I'll be happy when I get my first real job, I'll be happy when I get a car, when I get a house. Then you get there and then it's. It's not bad, but then but now it wasn't that.
Speaker 3:It doesn't provide the satisfaction that you expected.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right, yeah, yeah, so then, okay. So then the. Then he says that the other, far less common, meaning of happiness is living a rich, full and meaningful life. When we take action on the things that truly matter, deepen our hearts, move in directions that we consider valuable and worthy, clarify what we stand for in life and act accordingly, then our lives become rich and full and meaningful and we experience a powerful sense of vitality. This is not some fleeting feeling, it's a profound sense of a life well-lived. And then here's the kicker, which I love.
Speaker 2:So he's saying that, yeah, once we figure out what matters to us, we find our values, and we talked about that on here quite a bit. If you find your values, you start taking action on your values, you still have to deal with all the yeah buts that are going to come, because there's so much uncertainty and we want other people to tell us that it's okay, that we're going to do the things that we want to do. But once you start acting in accordance with your values, then he says although such a life will undoubtedly give us many pleasurable feelings, it will also give us uncomfortable ones, such as sadness, fear and anger. This is only to be expected, because if we live a full life, we will feel the full range of human emotion. And so I think act has been such an important part for me to start to recognize I'm not broken, I'm human, I think and feel the way I do.
Speaker 2:Because I do now, what do I want to do?
Speaker 2:And I probably want to do things that you know, my values are probably gonna be different than I, than I think they should be, because we do get our values from our family, from our parents, from our community, from our church, from our, you know, from people that we, we care about, because we get our sense of self from other people when we're, when we're, young, but then act as the, I think, the tool that allows us to then say, okay, now that I'm, now that I have all those things and I feel and think the way I do, now it's time for me.
Speaker 2:Now I'm going to figure out now what do I want, what do I need to do. You know, thank you everybody who got me into the position I'm at. But now it's now it's time for me, but that's really uncomfortable and difficult, and so then, once we start finding, then there's an acceptance that we're going to go through some rough times and acceptance that we'll feel sad and we'll feel happy, and so we're just not trying to chase the happy all the time, we're accepting the fact that there will be other feelings, but then that's part of the human experience. And then, when you're living this life full of purpose, then even those things you know if you're acting in accordance with your values, they don't seem like life is going to end and I just have to all of a sudden go chase a happy feeling or thought.
Speaker 3:And that's so hard is trying to chase happiness, because happiness is a fleeting thing, just like you said, and trying to be able to connect into it and sort of grab onto it and have it take you somewhere is kind of what you hope for. To it and have it take you somewhere is kind of what you hope for, yeah, but and then you and you just holding on and going for the happiness ride is what you, what you're hoping and striving for, but that never happens, right, and so so you have to decide your values and move into them and work with them, instead of being lazy and allow and letting it all happen to you.
Speaker 2:To you. I like that. And then I like what you're saying too, because in the world of act, then it's, if I know that this is a moment and I do feel good about this and things are, I am acting in accordance with my values, or I'm with people that I'm having a shared experience, then our anxiety is going to say okay, but what if this is going to end? Well, the acceptance is oh, it will. So now that we have accepted that we're not even fighting, that let's just be present in the moment and let's take in this moment, and so you just learn to, I really think, be more present in the moments and you turn to those things that matter, because you want to have more of those experiences, and you accept the fact that those experiences will end and that there will be maybe some sadness. And then it's like, oh, welcome in my sadness, because we're so used to getting rid of all of our emotions and feelings or pushing them down, or ignoring them. And so then that part that's what I think where he's talking about being part of the human experience, and then, and then I I that's why I have to go two books, cause then that sets the table, for then if you're starting to act in that way, it's going to be foreign and new, and so we're going to find ourselves going back to our you know, our kind of our, our home base.
Speaker 2:So if I feel like I'm pretty anxious, though, but I'm learning these new traits, well, then I might start to show up different, but then I'll I'll probably default back to anxiety and then I'll say what's wrong with me? Again, nothing, and so it takes time to start changing those deeply rutted neuropathways. Yeah, I mean, the brain is, is that neuroplasticity is real. But then I felt like I was on this, this just chase to say, hey, how long? Because I can, I can stand before you know all, all of you now, and, and and confidently say that I really don't mind what the internal chatter of my brain is and has been for a while now.
Speaker 2:You know, if I do something that I and it's so funny, I don't even want to say wrong or bad but if I do something that I'm, I'm, it isn't in alignment with my values, then then I say check that out, like that happened, that's a thing, instead of going like, geez, what's wrong with me? Like I, I, I suck or I hate that. You know why I did it. I mean, that happened, so check that out. And so then, what can I learn from that? And that's so powerful.
Speaker 1:It really is. That is so powerful and it's so hard to sit in that discomfort and go. Let me just take a look at this instead of what is wrong with me.
Speaker 2:Because that's the default, that's where we want to go.
Speaker 1:It is.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So and the great point and you teed it up for me there too, tricia because then it's like that is our default. So then sometimes I think, people even think, well, yeah, that's nice, but but is it, is it real or is it sustainable? Or but I'm just going to go back to where I was and it's like oh, totally, you are until you don't Cause, if you start this practice of this and then and then, so now the Buddha brain, which is the books by Rick Hansen and it's the practical neuroscience of happiness, love and wisdom.
Speaker 2:So that's the full title of it, because it's got some really cool brain things and it's got a lot of cool life things. But this is where, then, he says much as your body is built from the foods you eat, your mind is built from the experiences you have. The flow of experience gradually sculpts your brain, thus shaping your mind. Some of the results can be explicitly recalled, like this is what I did last summer. This is how I felt when I was in love.
Speaker 2:But most of the shaping of your brain remains forever unconscious. This is called your implicit memory, and it includes your expectations, your models of relationships, your emotional tendencies and your general outlook. Implicit memory establishes the interior landscape of your mind, or what it feels like to be you, and that's based on the slowly accumulating residue of lived experience. So that, to me, was profound. So it's like all the things that I'm thinking, that I'm feeling, that, I'm reading, that, I'm listening to, that, I'm in all of them, but I don't want that to sound overwhelming, but they are becoming part of the things that are you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that are slow, and it's part of that slow residue of my lived experience. So if I'm going to sit and ruminate and worry, that's going to be part of the residue of my lived experience. If I'm going to notice that I'm worrying and now I'm going to invite that worry to come with me while I engage in something that matters, that's part of my slow residue of lived experience. So if you do that long enough, it changes the interior landscape of your mind and then what it feels like to be you is somebody that notices that I do feel anxious at times, but I also then go connect with others, right, or I you know, turn to a value of curiosity or knowledge and and look up things about why you know, whatever that looks like. And and the silliest simple examples happened my daughter got a pair of shoes from her boyfriend for their you know, however, many month anniversary, and we had never heard of this particular model of shoe by this manufacturer, and so then you know, we were wondering is it a running shoe? Is it at this? It looks like this, and then it's funny because I mean, without thinking, part of the interior landscape of my mind is I'm googling it, and then I, and then I oh, it was launched in 2010 and it was initially a running shoe, but they liked the look of it and so then they it was made into this like other kind of shoe, a lifestyle shoe. And so then, all of a sudden we're oh, are there any other of those? And so now we're in a 20 minute conversation, not knowing even that we were gonna have a conversation about that and not that now I'm so much better off because of I know that. But I think a lot of people would say, yeah, I don't know, you know, and then they're just going to stay in their head or go about their own way and they missed an opportunity to connect or be in that moment or really be engaged.
Speaker 1:Look where that curiosity took you guys Totally right, yeah, so anyway.
Speaker 2:So I love that. And then the last part with this is that he says after he says that so that changes the interior landscape of your mind or what it feels like to be you. But he says but here's the problem, your brain preferentially scans for registers, stores, restores recalls and reacts to unpleasant experiences. Uh, he says, as we've said, it's like velcro for negative experiences and teflon for positive ones. So consequently, even when positive experiences outnumber negative ones, the pile of negative implicit memories partially grows faster than the background feeling of what it takes to see annoying it is right it is, and so, because it's like the background feeling of what it feels like to be, you can become undeservedly glum and pessimistic.
Speaker 2:The remedy is not to suppress negative experiences when they happen, because they happen. Rather, it's to foster positive experiences in particular, take them in so they become a permanent part of you. So you put those two together and there's your combo pack, like I'm accepting the fact that I'm having a negative experience or a negative feeling or emotion. Nothing's wrong with me, I'm a human, and so if I can just accept it and not try to push it away, then yeah, it's going to color a little bit of my implicit memory, but what's going to be a bigger part of it is then that I can now notice. I have that thought, but now I also notice that I have this opportunity for growth or to turn to something of value, and so I think that paints a much better picture of the interior landscape of your mind.
Speaker 3:Tony, I love that Working to try and make your brain concentrate on, and remember the positive things and have them, because it's true, you know, positive emotions and positive things are like Teflon and negative are like Velcro. I totally get that. This reminds me, though, of when Trisha and I go on a cruise. This reminds me, though, of when trisha and I go on a cruise. Um, we love to cruise, okay, and one of the things we do on every cruise is we go to the back end of the ship, called the aft end of the ship, and we stand in the very center. Over the two drives, there's usually two screws that are pushing the, the ship, along in the and then at, especially in, there's just a little bit of bioluminescence.
Speaker 3:That happens, right there and it's just this really beautiful setting and if you've got the sunset in the background or something, it just makes it gorgeous. So we have this habit of taking a mental snapshot.
Speaker 2:Okay, that's it Okay.
Speaker 3:And taking that mental snapshot of something that you know that is really important to you brings back good memories, a good feeling. You know there's nothing like having something like that to turn to when you're having a bad day.
Speaker 1:One thing that we'll finish with that, and then I'll go.
Speaker 3:Okay, I was just. My next thought was that senses are so keyed into when we feel those emotions and one of the things that you know smell is probably one of the most important ones and for me, every fall when we would play football in high school. When I played football in high school, I could just remember the smell of cut grass and just watered grass as we come out for two days in the summer. I get goosebumps just thinking of being out there and the invigoration of that time. Or smelling chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven.
Speaker 3:Those are things that it's just like oh my gosh, you can immediately go to a happy spot in your brain if you have things like that to go to.
Speaker 1:So that's what that reminds me of that is so good and I was just going to share a little bit with that. So the fresh cut grass that you're imagining your football time when you're younger I'm thinking about running out on the golf course, so I have a different experience with the fresh cut grass. But I love what you shared about our cruise and that mental snapshot, because our very first cruise that we ever went on we met an elderly gentleman and he was probably from Ireland. I believe he had this awesome accent.
Speaker 1:And he shared that with us and he saw us overlooking the water and he came up to us and he was talking about hey, this is, you know, can I share some thoughts with you? And he talked about how, right now, if we were to take this mental snapshot of us on the ship and doing all these different things and then, when we're having a hard time to pull up that picture with all those emotions and the senses that Jeff kind of talked about what that does, and I can't even tell you how many times way back then I think that that was like oh my gosh, how many years ago was that?
Speaker 3:I think I was 36 on that first cruise?
Speaker 1:Yeah, a long time ago.
Speaker 3:So I'm 62 now, so how long is that Wow?
Speaker 1:even 25 years ago. So I'm 62 now, so how long is that? Wow, Even 25 years ago. But there's so many times that I've pulled up that particular picture on the ship that we took our first picture of that first mental snapshot and it has been so powerful. So I totally agree with that and I and Tony and I also appreciate what you just said about you know, one thing that I always say is we get to have the opportunity to recreate our environment every day and we get to choose what that looks like. Do we want to pull in all the negative things or do we want to choose to focus on all the positive and happy things? We have that, that choice. So I thank you, Thank you for that.
Speaker 3:Well, having that choice doesn't mean that you suppress this.
Speaker 2:Right, that's the key, just like.
Speaker 1:Tony talked about Right, and that's something I think people can get kind of messed up in.
Speaker 2:I think so too. It's like is it?
Speaker 3:if they, if you, okay, well, I don't want to have this bad thought. I'm just going to push it away. It's just a thought. So it's just. The problem is with suppressing is those things come back bigger and stronger and faster and louder than they were before? And so taking them with you, like Tony was just saying earlier, and going and doing something that brings value to you instead, then it teaches your brain to value the valuable.
Speaker 1:Super, thank you. Well, yesterday, brayden and I he's our 16-year-old son we went for a five-mile hike and we listened to this incredible book by Steven Pressfield called Turning Pro. Have either of you heard of it before?
Speaker 3:No.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I was talking to a colleague of mine Her name is Jennifer Townsend, who is also a life coach, and she actually has a podcast called Happily Even After, and we're actually going to be recording a podcast together next week, so you're going to hear more from her. But she mentioned how impactful this book was for her in turning pro, and she also attended an event where they discussed this book, and so I was excited for Brayden and I to listen to it on our hike, and we were not disappointed. It was excellent. So I'd like to share and I'm actually really glad that I just listened to it. So it was really fresh in my mind and I loved that we have this question from Alan, so it just was a great time to be able to, you know, pull this out. But I went back and I wrote out several key points that I really liked and that stood out. For me, turning pro is an absolute game changer for anyone serious about their passions, talents, their goals, their career aspirations.
Speaker 1:Pressfield dives deep into the concept of resistance, so the internal and external forces that keep us from pursuing our true calling, our personal goals, really helps us to push through these things. So his stories are relatable and packed with wisdom, and one of my favorite quotes that he talks about in his book is the difference between an amateur and a professional is their habits. An amateur has amateur habits and a professional has professional habits. So some more of these key concepts. But first of all, before I get into those, he shares his story and he's a writer. Now he's on the New York Times bestselling list for multiple books. But there was a time that he couldn't get any support. Nobody wanted to publish his material at all and it just took years and years and years. So he became really distracted and kind of talks about his path of just numerous rejections and how hard he had to work. He was constantly being distracted. So I want you to think about how often, when we know we want to do something and we're excited to show up in a certain way, that distraction gets in our way and what it does to us. So he really focuses on what that has done to him and, through his journey, what he's learned from that. His journey highlights the power of persistence and the importance of adopting a professional mindset despite obstacles.
Speaker 1:So the first one is resistance, like I talked about. So resistance is the invisible force that stops us from pursuing our true calling. It shows up as procrastination, self-doubt and fear. Recognizing and battling resistance is key to success. And he talks about the story of Henry Fonda, and Henry Fonda, as we know, is an amazing actor, but he had severe stage fright, and so he kind of talks about how even people in very prominent places that we wouldn't even imagine have to start in places that you know, just like us, they're normal. Sometimes we see them on a screen and we're thinking, oh my gosh, they're just such a natural. But they didn't start off that way, and so he had to really face his fear and his self-doubt and push through to perform his very best, and it was hard. But he has a lot of those different stories in there of people that really struggled, that we all know, that were just really. It was very pertinent.
Speaker 1:Two is commitment and dedication. So turning pro means fully committing to your craft. It involves investing time, energy and resources to improve and succeed, no matter the external circumstances. Three is discipline and routine. Professionals establish routines that support their work. They show up every day, even when they don't feel like it. How often do both of you? You've been sick, you've slept terrible and you show up. Anyway. I remember jeff before covid. I think he actually did have covid for like a month and he was the only physician in the office and he went to work every day sick because he had patients that he had to take care of and there was no one else to take care of him. So that is like mass dedication that I've never heard of.
Speaker 3:I don't know if it's dedication or stupidity.
Speaker 1:I would. I would call his MA and I'd say does he have a fever? If he has a fever, he has to come home.
Speaker 3:And then she'd show up in front of me with a thermometer in her hand after a person would call and say, do you have a fever? And she'd point it at my forehead and snap and say, yep, you have a fever. Time for you to go home. You have to go home.
Speaker 1:Oh man, yep. But that just shows the kind of dedication that a lot of people aren't willing to put forward. But also it's fostering an environment that nurtures productivity and creativity. So four is identity shift. Turning pro requires a fundamental shift in how you see yourself. So I loved both of the different things that you both talked about, because it kind of talks about how, when you're viewing yourself and if you're focusing on kind of the negative parts of your life, where that's going to lead, and if you're focusing on the positive parts of your life and that energy, where that's going to lead. And so this is a lot of what he's talking about, but it's viewing yourself as a professional and how it changes your approach and mindset and your actions.
Speaker 1:So five is amateurs versus professionals. Amateurs seek quick wins and often give up when things get tough. Professionals are in it for the long haul, committed to their goals, no matter the challenges. So let's talk about the amateur habits. Number one is procrastination. Amateurs often delay starting their work, making excuses or waiting for the perfect time, and that's one of the things that he really talked about is he found every distraction possible so he didn't have to continue writing his book. Two is seeking validation. Amateurs rely on external approval and praise to feel motivated and validated. That's a hard one. Three lack of discipline. Amateurs struggle to maintain a consistent routine and often works sporadically, based on mood or inspiration. Four fear of failure. Amateurs are often paralyzed by the fear of failing and may avoid taking risks or challenging themselves. Five is perfectionism. I'm not a perfectionist.
Speaker 2:I got all of them so far, but that one okay, you can have that one okay.
Speaker 1:Amateurs can be overly focused on getting everything perfect, which can lead to delays and incomplete projects, but I get my projects done. Six they just have to be perfect. Distraction Amateurs are easily distracted by social media entertainment and other non-productive activities. Seven immediate gratification Amateurs seek quick rewards and may give up when immediate results are not visible.
Speaker 3:And eight blaming Late loss is a big one on that one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, amateurs may blame external circumstances or other people for their lack of progress. So now these are the professional habits. Number one they show up every day. Professionals commit to their work and show up consistently, regardless of how they feel.
Speaker 1:Two self-validation Professionals derive their sense of accomplishment from their own efforts and progress, not external validation. Three discipline Professionals establish and maintain a disciplined routine, treating their work with the seriousness it deserves. Four overcoming fear Professionals acknowledge their fears, but don't let them stop their progress. They take action despite their fears. Five acceptance of imperfection Professionals understand that perfection is unattainable and focus on continuous improvement instead. Six focus Professionals minimize distractions and prioritize their work, dedicating focused time to their craft. Seven long-term commitment Professionals are in it for the long haul, understanding that mastery and success take time and perseverance. Eight accountability Professionals take responsibility for their actions and outcomes, learning from mistakes and adjusting their approach accordingly.
Speaker 1:So during our hike after we had finished this book, brayden and I discussed kind of the insights of Pressfield's book and how it applied to each one of us, and it was really fascinating to kind of listen to my son's story and how, because we've kind of been having a struggle with him just focusing, getting things done. I think he's actually been a little depressed because his family, all of his siblings, are gone and we usually have a pretty busy home and just grandkids coming over and so he's involved in everything and I think it's been really hard to have him not be involved in so many things. So he's just kind of been pretty sad about that in so many things. So he's just kind of been pretty sad about that. But anyway, so he just kind of shared some of these thoughts about how he is not being able to focus and he is kind of showing up more like an amateur and he has a greater desire to show up like a professional and what that even looks like.
Speaker 1:I know for myself when I read that perfectionism. That is something that I've always struggled with. I will write a note and if I have a mistake I will actually write it over, if it's like a letter or something, the whole thing, and it just that's just a small portion and I've always done that.
Speaker 3:There's no white out. I know it's so ridiculous.
Speaker 1:It's just there's certain things that I can be okay with and there's certain things that I, I don't know, I struggle. So I know I recognize that that is something that I need to work on differently. I have a mentor, jodi Moore, and she always talks about doing B minus work, because B minus work is, you know, it's not a plus work, but you're getting the work done, you're getting it out there, and so I've really tried to implement the B minus work idea.
Speaker 3:When, when did you do that? I haven't seen that yet, so please let me know when that happens so I can recognize it and give you lots of kudos for doing that.
Speaker 1:I, it's a work in progress, okay, so I'm. There's some things that I'm, yes, I understand, but I think, as far as, like work ethic and some of these other things that really stood out to me too, as far as professionalism and just staying committed and that perseverance and just working really hard, that I thought, okay, those are some things that I can relate to. But sometimes that fear that validation, you validation sometimes it's nice to have people say, hey, you're doing a good job and this was whatever it is, this was great, you did a super job. So, having that self-validation, I need to work more on that as well. So, are there any of those things that stood out to you, honey?
Speaker 3:Oh gosh. The professionalism piece, I think, is really important in that trying to be dedicated and not fall off the wagon and it's like I was saying earlier with weight loss, I mean a lot of people say, but I've done everything, dr Jameson and I just can't lose any weight, my body won't lose weight. And then I talked to one of the same people who get really sick. They're in the hospital for several weeks or for something that was really awful and, oh my gosh, they lost 50 pounds. So it really comes down to what you eat, how you eat, etc. So I'm not going to go into the weight loss piece, but making excuses for ourselves to not do what we know, what we should do or what we want to do in order to obtain our goals, and using the distractions as excuses for not following through. Those are things we all do, and so we have to try and shore up those loose ends and make progress on the places that we really want to and be a professional.
Speaker 1:Excellent, that was very good. Thank you so much for sharing those thoughts.
Speaker 3:Hey, thanks for sharing those. Tony had to sneak away. He's got something else that he had to do, so he told me to give you everyone his goodbyes and that he'll see us next week.
Speaker 1:Now that sounds good. So thanks for joining us on this episode of the Q&A Files, and we hope our discussion on our favorite books from no More Mr Nice Guy, Buddha Brain, Happiness Trap and Insights from Turning Pro inspired you. If you would like for us to answer a question, please send us a question that you would like to have answered to trishajamesoncoaching at gmailcom and we would love to answer your question. So until next time, keep celebrating your progress and pushing towards your goals, and we can't wait to see you next week. Have a great day.
Speaker 3:Bye everybody.
Speaker 1:Bye-bye. Thanks for tuning into the Q&A Files, Delighted to share today's gems of wisdom with you. Your questions light up our show, fueling the engaging dialogues that make our community extra special. Keep sending your questions to trishajamesoncoaching at gmailcom. Your curiosity is our compass. Please hit subscribe, spread the word and Curiosity is our compass. Please hit, subscribe, spread the word and let's grow the circle of insight and community together. I'm Trisha Jameson signing off. Stay curious, keep thriving and keep smiling, and I'll catch you on the next episode.
