The Q&A Files
The Q&A Files drops A Wellness Explosion
💥 BOOM! Attention Wellness Warriors. The game changer you have been waiting for is finally here. Say hello to “The Q&A Files,” where wellness meets revolution and your questions lead to new discoveries. Spearheaded by Trisha Jamison, your host, a Board Certified Functional Nutritionist. Cohost Dr. Jeff Jamison, a Board Certified Family Physician, and featured guest, Tony Overbay, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. This podcast blends three diverse perspectives to tackle your questions on health, nutrition, medicine, mental wellness, and relationships. Dive into a world of expert insights and actionable advice, all sparked by your curiosity. Tune in, ignite your wellness journey, and join the Wellness Warrior community.
The Q&A Files
31. When working on relationships, do you need to sacrifice your true self? Part 1.
Have you ever wondered how personal transformation impacts your relationships and sense of self? This week on the Q&A Files, we start off by sharing some of our own personal milestones—Dr. Jeff's excitement over his upcoming move and Trisha's heartfelt gratitude for our incredible listeners. We then dive into a profound question from listener Ben about the effects of change on one's true self and relationships. Dr. Jeff reflects on his journey from a rigid, self-centered approach to a more balanced, self-aware stance, thanks to self-reflection and Tricia's patience. This segment emphasizes the importance of discarding harmful behaviors while staying true to your core identity.
Later in the episode, we delve into the intricate dynamics of behavioral changes in relationships. Trisha opens up about her struggle with finding a balance between over-apologizing and sometimes not validating. We stress the critical roles of mutual understanding and sacrifice in maintaining a healthy relationship. Whether it's about learning to compromise or expressing kindness when transitioning from a professional to a personal environment, this episode underscores the importance of staying focused on the goal of togetherness to build stronger partnerships. Tune in for valuable insights and heartfelt discussions that aim to strengthen both individual growth and relationships.
Hello and welcome to the Q&A file, the ultimate health and wellness playground. I'm your host, tricia Jamieson, a board-certified functional nutritionist and lifestyle practitioner, ready to lead you through a world of health discoveries. Here we dive into a tapestry of disease prevention, to nutrition, exercise, mental health and building strong relationships, all spiced with diverse perspectives. It's not just a podcast, it's a celebration of health, packed with insights and a twist of fun. Welcome aboard the Q&A Files, where your questions ignite our vibrant discussions and lead to a brighter you. Hello, wellness warriors. Welcome back to another episode of the Q&A Files. I'm your host, trisha Jameson, and with me today is the insightful Dr Jeff.
Speaker 2:Hi everybody.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we hope you're all having a wonderful day, wherever you are. Before we dive into today's topic, we like to start our show with some celebrations. It's so important to take a moment to acknowledge the positives, the victories, big and small, anything that brings us joy. So, jeff, what's something you're celebrating today?
Speaker 2:Oh well, today's Labor Day, and we've done nothing.
Speaker 1:We've done everything, but relax today.
Speaker 2:Yes, this. We have definitely labored on Labor Day, but the thing that I'm grateful for is that we're getting closer to being able to move and we have sold our home and everything looks good for the closing coming up soon.
Speaker 1:Two weeks today.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so we're excited about getting that all done. We have a lot of our house all packed up and we have those moving things called a pod in our front yard and we are ready to load it all up in a couple of weeks. Yep, so it'll be exciting.
Speaker 1:And I'm sure our listeners will be thrilled to not hear us talk about moving anymore and we will be thrilled to not talk about moving anymore yes oh my gosh, it has been quite the process it's time to downsize.
Speaker 1:But wow, it's been a, it's been a lot yep, we're excited and we've given a lot of stuff away, and that's been good. So, as for me, I'm celebrating all of you, our listeners, the comments and messages we've received from you, the way you're engaging with the topics we're discussing and the progress you're making in your own lives and relationships is truly inspiring, and we're in this together, learning and growing every day. So I just want to thank you all so much for being here with us. Yeah, that's a good one.
Speaker 2:I like that one.
Speaker 1:Definitely a huge celebration. So on to today's topic. We received a very powerful question from one of our listeners, Ben, and it really struck a chord with us. Ben reached out to ask Dr Jeff, I've been making a lot of changes in my life recently, trying to become a better person and partner, but sometimes I wonder has my true self gotten lost in these changes? Am I sacrificing who I am to make these improvements? And, Tricia, what changes did you feel you had to make? Wow. So this question opens the door to a deeper discussion on the impact of personal transformation in our relationships. So, Jeff, you've shared in previous episodes how much you've changed over the years. How has this affected your relationship with me today and what advice would you give to Ben as he navigates these feelings? Then, Jeff, you can ask me Ben's question as well. To me.
Speaker 2:So let's start with you. Okay, so you're next after me.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 2:Okay, got it All right. So first of all, ben, that's a great question, very insightful, and I am still working on a lot of these things myself, and I have been thinking a lot about your question. First of all, I want you to know that you're not alone in feeling this way. When we embark on this journey of personal transformation, it's really natural to wonder if the changes we're making are pulling us away from our true selves. And the truth is, growth often requires us to let go of parts of ourselves that no longer serve us, and so the short answer to your question is yes, you do lose some of your self in this process, and I want to tell you right now that that is a good thing, because often, some of the things that we need to let go of are things that are not good, and that was certainly true in my case.
Speaker 2:I've gone through some significant changes over the years, and I think that it's profoundly affected my relationship with Tricia relationship with Tricia. It certainly affected the way I view our relationship and, especially since the early years of our marriage to now, I was really set in my ways. I felt like it was my way or the highway, and, frankly, you know, I think I was pretty difficult to live with. I didn't look at it that way because I just thought that I was doing what I was supposed to and what was modeled for me from my own parents and father, and so I felt like I was doing what I was supposed to. But after a lot of self-reflection and Tricia's patience, thankfully I'm trying to become a better partner every day.
Speaker 2:One thing I had to learn was to stop making excuses for myself and for my behavior. It was pretty common for me to say, well, I did it this way because you made me do it or because it was your fault that I had to do it this way. And I like to look at that as a person, that is, I like to call it an externalizer. What's an externalizer? That's somebody that says I don't feel good, it must be your fault, and versus an internalizer, which is I don't feel good about something, it must be my fault. And so if you get an internalizer and an externalizer together which at that time Trisha and I were definitely in those categories I could easily and without trying really overrun Trisha's person and her ability to make decisions and I just sort of took over and it didn't go well and I thought I was doing a great job.
Speaker 2:But I didn't realize how unhappy I was making Tricia in the process until she finally let me know. So that was good. And it was a difficult time to figure that out because you know, I'd figured out some poor reactions and poor behaviors to make sure that I got my way, and when I found out that those won't work anymore, I had to change my ways. So have I changed my ways, boy? I'm trying, and I think that probably about 90% of the time.
Speaker 2:I mean, I still slip back into bad reactions sometimes when certain buttons get pushed, but for the most part, I think I'm doing a lot better than I was and I can honestly say that our relationship is stronger, more fulfilling than I ever imagined that it would be possible to be when I was just the one in charge and running the show. I think that's been really good, that we've both become committed to a set of principles that guide us how we interact with each other and how we listen to each other's responses. So, tricia, what do you think that's happened for you? What's made things different in this process for you?
Speaker 1:Well, this is such a deep question and this is one that Jeff and I have talked a lot about through the years. I wish, obviously, we knew what we do now, way back then, because why would we have saved ourselves a lot of pain and hurt. But you know, we also had to go through that growth process and I'm grateful for that piece, because it's the growth that makes that transformation and it's being uncomfortable and sitting in that discomfort that also makes that transformation.
Speaker 2:And people don't grow. And people don't grow unless it hurts. And so you know, we, just we. You don't get bigger muscles by not lifting weights. Exactly, and the same thing with this is, if you don't jump in there and really work hard and it's painful to do you're not going to grow.
Speaker 1:So for me it was a natural. I had a lot of limiting beliefs and it was very natural for me to just kind of be in the background and allow other people to walk all over me. I didn't know how to stand up for myself. I've mentioned this before, but my dad was an alcoholic and I was the youngest of four, and so oftentimes I would just take the blame for something to just keep the status quo. Kind of keep that peace.
Speaker 1:And unfortunately, that didn't always keep the peace, because it really left a lasting impact on me that I continued through my life, and that is, I always felt like I had to apologize. I had to apologize for breathing someone's air. I'd apologize for anything that was going wrong, even if it wasn't my fault.
Speaker 2:And it was a really-. What did you feel like you were gaining by apologizing so much?
Speaker 1:I felt that I was trying to keep the peace and that if I apologize for something, even if it wasn't my fault or something that I contributed to, that it would just allow people to have peace. But what happened is, because I apologized, people thought it was my fault and then they would treat me poorly, and so that is something that I had to learn as well that the more that I apologize, the more I make things my fault, and I had to really unwind a lot of those bad behaviors.
Speaker 2:I found that when you and I were in those years, that when you would apologize for something that was really my fault, I was really happy about it and I was glad that you would take responsibility, that I didn't have to Go ahead.
Speaker 1:Well, the interesting thing about that is I didn't even know that that wasn't something I shouldn't do, because that is something I always did, even as a child.
Speaker 2:And so it was very natural for me. I didn't realize that you were doing it until we sat down and really analyzed the way we were responding to each other, and when we figured that out it was never something that I asked Tricia to do. I never said I want you to take the blame for everything and me just look like I'm Mr Wonderful with no blame at all.
Speaker 1:But Tricia felt it was really important for her to take the blame so that she could keep the peace, and sometimes that actually backfired, in fact sometimes that actually backfired, in fact, most times Well, and I also think that you growing up in your home, it was easy to blame other people, because that's kind of how your dad was. He did a lot of deflecting of his own behavior, and sometimes your mom, and so I think it was a natural thing for you to blame others as well, because that's what you witnessed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and my mother was also. She kind of put everybody on the defensive, and so we had to figure out great ways to overcome her defensiveness and basically overcome her negative thoughts on things. Overcome her negative thoughts on things, and so it was a defense mechanism of our own to try and overcome her as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so those are some of my limiting beliefs. Is just not feeling enough, feeling like I didn't have a voice and just kind of staying in the shadows and staying quiet. So I am not that person anymore.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I love that and I think Jeff does too. I think he appreciates that I've become, I'm becoming a whole person and it's been exciting actually.
Speaker 2:Oh it's so much better.
Speaker 2:It's so much better, because you know the thing is is that when a person doesn't give you feedback, even when it's negative, you don't know what they're thinking, and when you don't know what they're really thinking, it's hard to connect on any more than a superficial level. And so understanding what, the depths of her emotion and her thinking and her feeling, has helped me be able to dive into the more important parts of her, which were her true feelings and what was really going on inside, so that we could connect on those. I thought that was so much more important than winning an argument, for instance.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So we've come a long way and we would like to share some of the things that we've come up with as we were focusing on this question from Ben, and we like to call these the 16 keys to lasting love, and this kind of may sound a little hokey, I don't know, but they work for us and these are just some key principles that have helped us not just survive but thrive in our marriage. So let's just break them down. So the first one is to apologize.
Speaker 1:Now, an apology is critical to a lasting relationship. When you know you've wronged or hurt your spouse, apologize, even if you don't think you've done something wrong. Now you don't want to apologize for something that you've not done wrong, like in my case that I used to do all the time but if you know you've actually hurt someone, apologize to that, and you know because they're hurt. You want to listen and you want to hear with your heart, defending your position after learning you've hurt your partner is you know? We kind of talk about this that that's being immature. So this is something that I feel like we've had a lot of. We've learned how to balance and sometimes we both have tendencies still, but we try to give each other grace.
Speaker 2:And it's interesting, as Tricia used to be apologizing for everything. The pendulum swung the other way for a while, and then sometimes she wouldn't apologize for things that were her fault.
Speaker 1:Really, yes, oh, interesting, very true.
Speaker 2:And so sometimes-.
Speaker 1:Did you ever tell me this, or did you just stay quiet?
Speaker 2:No, first I had stayed quiet and then, even more recently, I've had to say well, look, this is really you. And you went oh my gosh, it is me.
Speaker 1:I did say that yeah, that was just recently and I did thank you for that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you did, and so sometimes I think, when a person is changing their behaviors, that sometimes you can be on a pendulum where it can swing all the way the other way, and then you know you can be apologizing all the time and then not apologizing at all when you need to.
Speaker 1:Well, I can't imagine not apologizing. I still feel like I apologize too much, but I'm glad that you called me out and I made it right.
Speaker 2:Yes, you did, and you never slow down on calling me out, so I think that's a good balance.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's fair. That's fair, definitely Okay, great. Two is compromising. What are your thoughts about compromising, jeff?
Speaker 2:I don't know. I always just do what you ask me to do, so I don't even have to compromise. It's all for you.
Speaker 1:I think we're going to end this episode right now. Is it important to compromise? How important is it to compromise?
Speaker 2:It's very important to compromise. Well, if you don't compromise, then it's back to my way or the highway, because I don't like to compromise frankly, and so I'm a much better person, though. When I compromise, I am able to see the other person's side, I'm able to work and be able to somewhere get in the middle, and then sometimes, when we are in a relationship with, when you're in a relationship with somebody, there's going to be a power differential, and sometimes your partner may want you to really tell them what you think, and sometimes you're trying to compromise and you don't say what you really want, and so I think you've got to make it balanced with communicating your needs and then compromising the action after you do.
Speaker 1:That's really good, thank you, and I think we also a lot of us have selfish tendencies, but when we commit to the partnership of a marriage, we agree to sacrifice that selfishness for the greater good. So sometimes we kind of get thrown into this, just like you talked about. I want what I want, but it's so important to allow ourselves to listen and to appreciate the other side and what it is that the other person wants, so that doesn't mean you just give up and give in to whatever your partner wants, but it means that you need to listen to what it is that they are asking for.
Speaker 2:And then let go of the power part, you know, because sometimes it's that you don't really even care about the actual decision being discussed. It's just you want to be the one that makes the decision. And so let go of that and remember that your partner is your partner, not your servant, and so it doesn't matter who wins. It matters that the relationship wins.
Speaker 1:And compromise is power, not weakness.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I love that.
Speaker 1:So, number three, keep focused on the goal of togetherness.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you got to get the 30,000 foot view. Sometimes, when you get into the weeds talking about this, that or other problem, sometimes you forget about what you're really trying to do and that's make yourselves a tighter, more enduring, strong relationship and partnership.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's so imperative to remember that you're actually on the same team, and sometimes we don't want the person to be on our team.
Speaker 2:Right, you're off the team. You're off the island.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're off the island, but when you realize that the goal isn't to win an argument, but it is to strengthen the relationship. So you always want to be in each other's camp and even if it's uncomfortable that's the whole process is you want to. You know, when things are uncomfortable, that means that you're actually learning and growing and you're learning and growing together.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that the being uncomfortable part is one of the things that made me more difficult to work with is because I didn't like to be uncomfortable and you accepted that discomfort with your apologies, et cetera, in the past, and so then I didn't have to be uncomfortable anymore.
Speaker 1:So I was like great yeah, because win-win for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, win for me. Sorry about that for you.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That was super helpful to be able to learn to be uncomfortable for a minute and to look at it in the big picture of togetherness.
Speaker 1:Yes, and by focusing on that togetherness, you prioritize unity over individual victories, which then fosters a deeper connection.
Speaker 2:Yep. So, that's the goal. That's the 30,000 foot view of why you're doing this.
Speaker 1:So good Four. Express yourself with kindness. Tell me more about that one. What?
Speaker 2:Kindness, kindness. See, my problem is I'm used to working in an environment where you know I'm kind of the boss all the time and so when I come home and I'm not the boss, it's hard for me to make that transition sometimes. So I will often take a little bit of time to come home slowly so that I can transition in my head to be kind, because not that I'm not kind in my office setting. But I don't mince my words much. I'm pretty much. This is what we want to do, this is what we're going to do and this is the plan. This is the medical test I want. This is what we're doing and it's straightforward and it's concise. My notes are concise, my thoughts are usually concise, but when you're dealing with your partner, sometimes they need to know why and they need to understand what you're thinking and be and instead of just saying this is the way it is and get used to the idea, you have to be kind and talk it through and understand that there's. You want it. You need your partner's input on those things.
Speaker 1:Yes, and you need to be nice.
Speaker 2:Nice, nice, nice.
Speaker 1:Nice. And when you express yourself with kindness, you create a safe space for your partner and they will do the same for you. So even during disagreements, maintaining a kind tone will deescalate tension and promote understanding. And I will just tell you that, because the more that you try to raise your voice over your partner, that's never going to be a positive outcome.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that will escalate it.
Speaker 1:So fast, but if you can pay attention to having a kinder tone, even if your partner is not in that space yet. It's hard to fight with someone that is kind of just being gentle and just has a more calm tone.
Speaker 2:I have an interesting thing I do in the office with people when they're having conflict with others. What I'll do is I'll listen to their concern and then I'll say raise up your right hand with your palm towards me. And so they raise up their hand and then I touch their hand with my hand and then, you know, palm to palm, and then I start pushing against their arm or their hand and then pretty soon they're pushing back against me and they're usually matching the force that I'm pushing, and there tends to be not a lot of movement of the hand. And I ask them and I stop it and I say, well, why did you push against me? They said I don't know.
Speaker 2:I said, well, what did you think I was going to hurt you? Well, no, but yet you were still Well. Did you think I was going to hurt you? Well, no, but yet you were still matching my force and sometimes exceeding my force. They thought it was a game, honey, and they're like, yeah. And so I tell them it's not important in a situation with your partner, to match or overcome their tone or force through their words.
Speaker 1:So back it down. Yeah, I like that. I like that exercise Very good. So five is expect compromise from both yourself and your partner, but don't keep score. So we kind of put this in there about the don't keep score part. So we've already talked about compromise and how vital it is for your relationship, but I want you to really think about when you are compromising, to not keep track of who's giving more. So keeping score creates resentment and judgment. So instead focus on the overall balance of the relationship and trust that it will even out over time.
Speaker 2:I love that. Yeah, that's great. Keeping score in a relationship, no matter if it's just a friendship or a marriage partnership, keeping score. All it does is, like you said, it increases the potential for resentment. Yes, okay.
Speaker 1:The next one is mine, so go ahead.
Speaker 2:Okay, this one is mine, because this is one I came up with and just think it's really awesome. Not that yours aren't awesome.
Speaker 1:No, but in fact he's going to have a sticker made from one of my clients and it's going to be super fun.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and the title of this section of number six is called Be Curious Instead of Furious. Okay, so what does that mean? Sometimes we can do things that trigger our partner. You know what buttons that bother them. You know, if I were to say something that I know would bother Tricia, that would. You know that may trigger a very negative response, except in Tricia, because she just starts to cry if I do things that are true.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she doesn't get so much money.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, she doesn't get mad, she just starts to cry. Okay, so there's no anger for her, it's just crying.
Speaker 2:So, that's her way of being angry and that's like what, what did I do? Okay, so anyway, reacting with anger, it will make that situation more uncomfortable and makes things worse. So, looking into yourself, what is bothering you, why did that button pushing that someone else did hit the wrong spot? So taking a breath, allowing some time between the actual statement or the action that created the issue, and then just start asking questions Okay, so this is something that bothers me and you know that it bothers me. Why did you decide to go down this road? Or, you know, just asking questions, because often we make assumptions about why people did things and they're completely wrong. So we can talk about that in a minute.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. Well, the other thing is you can also ask what's going on with my partner right now, so that shift in mindset can lead to greater empathy and prevent unnecessary conflict. So it's important to ask those questions and I know sometimes when you are hurt or somebody comes across very stern or crass, that's the last thing you want to do is ask them what is going on with you, are you okay, how was your day? And there's a lot of information that can come from a simple question, and you're not always the target. Oftentimes it's something else.
Speaker 1:But just being curious is going to be really important. Yep, I love that. I just wanted to thank Ben for this amazing question. We're going to continue this on the next episode. Thank you again for being here with us today and we appreciate you reaching out and trusting us with your questions. So if you have any questions or topics you'd like us to cover, please don't hesitate to reach out to Trisha Jamison coaching at gmailcom, and we love hearing from you. And until next time, keep focusing on the big picture, stay kind and remember we're in this together, so take care everyone. Bye. Thanks for tuning in to the Q&A Files, delighted to share today's gems of wisdom with you. Your questions light up our show, fueling the engaging dialogues that make our community extra special. Keep sending your questions to trishajamesoncoaching at gmailcom. Your curiosity is our compass. Please hit, subscribe, spread the word and let's grow the circle of insight and community together. I'm Trisha Jameson, signing off. Stay curious, keep thriving and keep smiling, and I'll catch you on the next episode.
