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Today's topic is about boundaries and people pleasing in women.
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And we have our expert whose name is Vanessa Ooms.
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She's an author, a youtuber, an entrepreneur, a graphic designer, and a meditation instructor.
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She is also the founder of evolving on purpose, an online community where people can come together to meet others who are exploring personal development and actively creating better lives for themselves.
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So let's welcome her in to our show because she is going to roll up her sleeves and tell us a lot about what we women suffer from and which we don't even know and realize.
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Welcome to the show, Vanessa.
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I'm so excited that you're here with us today.
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And for those of you listeners that don't know, I found her on Instagram.
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I love the work that she does.
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And today she is joining us all the way from Vancouver Island.
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Thank you for having me.
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I'm so excited to talk to you today.
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So Vanessa, we're talking about boundaries and we're talking about people pleasing in what have you noticed any early signs that show someone might be struggling with setting boundaries?
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Definitely, there seems to be a pattern in people So if you, if you notice these few things, then it might be that you're struggling with people pleasing in boundaries.
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So a big one is that you have trouble saying no and taking on too much over committing yourself at work or in your volunteer activities.
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If you find yourself complaining about somebody a lot or feeling taken advantage of,, you might feel like you never have time for yourself or for the things that are important to you and you might feel resentful of others when they ask you to do things because you're already overstretched and burnt out and you just don't have the space for anything else.
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Yeah.
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So how could spotting these signs early help stop the people pleasing cycle?
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Can you tell us like few things that women do that they don't even know of?
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Yeah, I think one of the biggest things is just saying yes to everything and we're women in general are nurturers.
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We want to take care of everyone and make sure that everybody feels taken care of.
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So, yeah, we just kind of learning how to put your own needs first is kind of a big deal.
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So if you notice that you're, you're feeling these things, these frustrations.
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One of the big things to get out of that pattern is to just learn to start saying no and being ok with that.
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And do you also think that societal or cultural expectations push women towards people pleasing behaviors, definitely.
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And and like we're in North America so I can just speak to our culture.
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You think about the fifties?
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Actually, one of my friends just posted about this the other day about how women were kind of trained to be there for their husband at the end of his work day with a meal and just, you know, create a nice energy and a nice home.
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We're kind of groomed to be people pleasers and take care of everyone else.
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So starting to take care of ourselves is kind of, it's a bit of a radical act.
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I know that, you know, we went through a wave of feminism and, and women are starting to become more empowered, but we still have a lot of programming to undo what, what would you say that, how can these women just push back on these pressures that are within them, that society and culture puts on them?
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You know, and I'm asking this because I grew up in an Indian family and from a very masculine father and a super feminine mother and my mom was supposed to cook and she was supposed to give water to my dad as soon as she showed up at the door.
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And I feel like till today, I'm like 39.
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Now I feel like so many Indian people, like I'm talking about Asian in general and you talked about the American culture.
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So many women still do they have the same pattern.
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How can we push these pressures on us gradually and with practice.
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But yeah, like I said earlier, just start starting to practice saying no.
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And you know, I don't know for the mothers out there just starting to teach your kids to be self sufficient.
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So they're not coming to you for everything.
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And also knowing that it's ok, like in a marriage, in a partnership, it's ok for you to have your needs met as well.
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And starting to ask for your needs to be met.
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This is really hard for a lot of women.
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I know I still struggle with this sometimes is actually asking for what you need and maybe spending time with yourself to actually figure out what you need, things like that.
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But yeah, just start small with prioritizing your own needs even if it's, if you have zero time for yourself, setting aside even, you know, 10 minutes a day to meditate or go for a walk or do something that's just for you and be bounded around that time.
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That's for self care, just having some boundaries.
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And that actually, you know, takes me to my next question, which is self awareness.
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How do you feel like how important is self awareness when it comes to people pleasing?
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Do you have any simple exercises or steps that could help boost self-awareness and empowerment in women?
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Yeah.
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So one of my favorites that helped me kind of get out of this pattern was starting to check in with yourself before you say yes to something and just give yourself a minute before you instinctively say yes and check in with yourself and see.
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Do you actually have the bandwidth and the energy for this?
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Do you have the time?
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Look at your calendar, give yourself a bit of space to say, OK.
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I'll get back to you in a minute like or in 24 hours.
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I need to check my calendar before I commit to this and being realistic about how much you can actually do.
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I think women in general are used to carrying quite a large load for many, many people.
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And so yeah, being realistic and checking in with yourself to see if you actually have the room to do this and then delaying your response.
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That's it.
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That's a good way to kind of just start into this and start kind of changing the dynamics in your relationships.
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I love that because without you checking in, you just end up saying yes and then you regret doing that thing that you said yes to.
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So I love that checking in with yourself before you commit to something.
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So what do you think is a good way to talk about your boundaries in a way that's strong, but still kind, especially with people you're close to, let's say partners.
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Ok.
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So with your partners, well, actually, I, I actually just had some boundaries today with my partner because he asked me, he called me in the middle of,, my work day and asked me to do something.
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And I was like, ok, I hear you.
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I understand what, when do you actually need me to do this by?
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Does it have to be done right now or can it wait till the end of the day?
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Usually it can wait till the end of the day?
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Of course.
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Yeah.
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So just kind of pressure testing that to see if it's actually an emergency and if it's not giving yourself some time and some space.
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, but even just asking for something that you need in a partnership can be kind of out there and kind of radical.
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So even just saying, hey, I'm actually feeling really tired right now if you wouldn't mind just cleaning up the dishes for me while I just go for a walk, I would really appreciate it.
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And, and things like that or just one of the terms that I actually use in my book is empathic assertion and just saying to somebody like, OK, I can see that you're in a hurry or that you're frustrated with this thing.
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I want to help you.
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But I also have X Y Z to do so I can work this in at this time and just, yeah.
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just acknowledging the other person and, and what their needs are, but then also asserting your own needs and coming to, like, a compromise kind of a thing in your relationships.
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Absolutely.
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I love that.
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And I feel like I've been practicing exactly what you said for so many years now where I feel like now if I'm so, it's so, it's very natural once you keep setting up boundaries again and again, and then again, like, 10 times, then you become a pro at it.
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So now if my partner tells me to do something, I'll say no, I can't do it right now.
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I'll do it at four o'clock or five o'clock.
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Like, you know, whenever my work is done.
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So I love that you can just be kind but still, you know, speak, understand what they're doing and what they're frustrated, just speak that and then say I can't do that because I myself have so much on my plate.
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So, what do you feel,, are some common fears or wrong ideas that might hold women back from standing up for themselves?
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How can they get to start?
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How can they basically start to get past these ST strong beliefs maybe?
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Or it's their mindset.
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It's something going on in their head.
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Yeah.
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A lot of the fears that I ran into myself and also just speaking with other women about our, it's a big one, a big fear of seeming selfish and being judged.
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And there's also this fear of abandonment of like, oh, well, if I, if I sound too harsh or if I say no, then this person isn't gonna like me or maybe they're, maybe my partner will leave me if I start saying no and being difficult and this all comes back, I think to the, the cultural programming that we've been indoctrinated with.
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So I think ways to get out of that are, you know, just like I said before starting small with little things saying no, start saying no to little things and work and work on practicing just regulating your nervous system after saying no, because the first few times that you say no is gonna be so scary.
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It's so scary to say no when you're used to just saying yes all the time.
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So finding ways to self soothe and affirm yourself internally after you say no because I know for me the first while of saying no, I was so frazzled inside because I was facing all of those fears, right?
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I had to keep telling myself like, no, you're making a good decision for yourself.
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It's gonna be fine.
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Nothing's gonna blow up if you say no and if it does, you can deal with it but you're doing good things for yourself.
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So yeah, just trying to find ways to soothe yourself through the pro the process and the practice of it.
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So you're basically by doing that women can be more empowered in the moment and they can literally feel like they did something right for themselves by saying no to others, you're basically saying yes to yourself.
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Yes.
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Exactly.
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I love that.
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What about, I know that this whole phase and the world is on women empowerment and there is, and the feminine, the feminine side of women are coming out now.
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But that can be a bit of a roller coaster.
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Right.
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What would you say to someone who's feeling a bit down about their progress to be kind to yourself?
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Because this is, you're right.
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The pendulum is swinging the opposite direction now and the feminine are awakening and finding their voice again.
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And yeah, but it also takes time, like it takes time to change habits and establish new ones.
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It takes time to find your voice and find your confidence again.
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So you're gonna have ups and downs along the process.
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It's, it's just par for the course.
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So if you're having a down day, just know that you're still doing good work and you're still so such a valuable person and what you're doing is you're not just doing this for yourself.
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You're doing this for the women who came before you as well.
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Yeah, just be kind to yourself because it is a, a process and it takes practice to get good at this.
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So Vanessa tell us about how did you get to where you are at today?
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Why did you decide to help other people with boundaries and empowerment and helping them with their people, pleasing habits?
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What's your story?
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Mhm.
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Yeah.
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I think I wanted to start helping others because I felt very powerless for a lot of my life.
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, starting at a young age, I felt like I didn't have a voice or that my voice didn't really matter.
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And that belief kind of got me into all kinds of, it got me into abusive relationships and just really bad situations and it got me definitely taken advantage of.
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And yeah, it was just my, my early life was quite chaotic because I didn't feel like I had real agency.
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I didn't really feel like I had confidence or I know I didn't have confidence to say no to people.
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And I think it could have saved me a lot of suffering if I were given permission to say no.
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And to be in my power at a younger age, once I learned this for myself, it just became kind of actually really important for me to share what I've learned.
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so that I can help people get off the people pleasing hamster wheel maybe sooner than I did and maybe faster than I did.
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Because honestly, I feel like the world needs more authenticity.
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And when we're in people pleasing, we're not being authentic and we're not actually doing the great service that we think we are when we're people pleasing because there's a difference between like caring for someone and doing things because you want to be liked, right?
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And so I just I just really wanted to empower people to, yeah, just be more authentic and feel good in their own skin and know that their voice matters because it absolutely does.
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Thank you.
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Can you tell us about where can our listeners find your book?
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And what is the book about?
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Yeah.
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So my book can be found on Amazon Barnes and Noble and other bookstores.
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If you have a favorite indie bookstore, you can ask them to order it in as well.
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So my book is called Do It For You How To Stop People pleasing and find peace and a book slash workbook.
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that will kind of guide you out of people pleasing.
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It's there's a section on self awareness.
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getting back in touch with your true self.
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There's a web page actually of resources as well that goes with the book.
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And there's lots of space to actually write in there.
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It's meant to be written in, marked up.
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Nice, be, be a companion.
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So I hope that if it resonates for you, you'd pick up a copy.
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And and let me know how it works for you and where can people reach out to you directly if they want to schedule a session or maybe do one of your courses?
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Where can they reach out for sure.
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So, my website is Vanessa Ooms dot com.
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You can also reach out to me via email, Vanessa at Vanessa Ooms dot com or on Instagram, I have a youtube channel as well.
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If you're looking for more talks on these topics and others and yeah, thank you so much, Vanessa.
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We loved having you on our show.
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And for all our listeners, always remember, metamorphosis, not medication.
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And I must say for all of our listeners, if you have any question and you really want the answers for it, then feel free to book a 20 minute free consultation with me.
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And if you love this episode, then please give us a review on itunes.
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Thank you so much and see you on another episode.