Bounce Back From Feeling Like You Don’t Belong
Hi Friends
Before I jump into today’s topic of belonging, I want to thank you, my listeners, for spending time with me here! Special thanks to tttuuu888 on Apple who gave Your Bounce Back Life a 5-star rating and review with these words, “Donna Galanti’s podcast is a breath of fresh air! No matter the weather, she finds the joy and the light and generously radiates it out to listeners. I highly enjoy and recommend Your Bounce Back Life!”
Thanks again so much and now let’s jump into our chat for today on Your Bounce Back Life. We’re talking about how to recover and reset your life from feeling like you don’t belong.
You might know, like me, that not feeling like you belong is an unsettling and uncomfortable place to be. A place of limbo. A place of uncertainty. A place of feeling unworthy, not good enough.
We’ve likely all felt this way at times throughout our life.
The researcher and author Brené Brown said this, “You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”
How true.
And I think we are also wired to connect. It’s what gives us purpose through love, hope, and validation. We were never meant to be alone. By forging connections and creating meaningful relationships, we find belonging.
Statistics through the years have shown that older adults have a high rate of loneliness as they’re often isolated and don’t have a sense of belonging. Sad as that is, current statistics note that young people are now even lonelier than older adults.
If it’s true that both young and older adults are lonely, then taking control of our own sense of belonging to increase connection and decrease loneliness is key to our physical and mental health.
Perhaps you think that feeling like you don’t belong is out of your control. That it’s something that controls us.
I want to tell you that this is not true.
Feeling like you belong IS in your control.
YOU control your feeling of belonging.
And here’s one key idea to take control of it:
Connect with your authentic self and embrace it. Then belonging will come.
Before we dive into how to take control of belonging let’s talk about what it means to feel like you don’t belong. I’ve had a lot of experience in this area and here’s my own list that may resonate with you.
Feeling like you don’t belong is like …
Feeling like an outsider.
Like others see you as an outsider.
Feeling awkward and uncomfortable.
Lacking confidence in your abilities.
Adrift without a place to call home.
Adrift without people to call your own.
Feeling not respected.
Isolated.
Depressed.
Not listened to.
Not valued.
Like you’re an imposter.
That people don’t understand you.
Do any of these ring true for you at times? And your concepts of what not belonging and belonging mean are unique to you. It’s unique to you because you bring all your experiences, memories, trauma, desires, and needs to it and this shapes what belonging and not belonging mean for you.
And what does belonging mean for you?
It might mean …
Shared interests with similar people.
Feeling freely able to be your authentic self.
Accepted for your authentic self.
Feeling respected.
Listened to.
Sought out.
Secure and safe.
Feeling validated. Comforted. Loved.
There are many reasons you may feel like you don’t belong somewhere. Like these:
1. You aren’t comfortable with yourself and who you are
2. You have low self-worth and confidence
3. You’re struggling with mental health issues like depression or anxiety
4. You have a disability
5. You overanalyze or overthink situations
6. You’re going through a life crisis
7. You’re trying to act like someone else to fit in (and let me say that this one is exhausting! It’s hard enough being our authentic selves without faking being someone else)
Belonging is so important to us as humans. We literally need to belong to survive. It’s a universal human need that goes way back to our ancestors thousands of years ago. If you think about it, nearly every aspect of our lives is about being part of something—a family, religious organization, school, employment, political parties, sport teams, and so much more. Our daily lives often revolve around being a member of a group.
And from the very beginning of our lives, we belong with someone who is our caregiver. We need that person to care for us so we can survive. We need the touch of another human to help us feel safe, secure, and loved so we can grow.
I believe that there are two ways to feeling like you don’t belong.
1. All encompassing: meaning … you feel like you don’t belong anywhere.
2. Situation specific: meaning … your sense of not belonging is tied to an event, group, or place.
Have you experienced one of these ways or both in your life?
I definitely have experienced both. And I’ll share a few of my own examples that may resonate with you.
Let’s talk about a situation specific example: high school!
This is a good example of a place where we often feel we didn’t belong. For me, after getting in trouble in public school my parents sent me to a private girls’ academy. But I continued to get in even more trouble at this private school as I felt out of place. Because so many girls were from wealthy families. They had all the trendy clothes and accessories. There, I constantly sought solitude. I skipped classes. Hung out in quiet spaces to read and write. Avoided authority. I was uncomfortable most of the time. I felt like a round peg trying to fit into a square box.
This continued with another specific group tied to my service in the U.S. Navy. For one who avoided authority, it was not the ideal place for me either.
And after the Navy and college, landing a career in the corporate marketing world brought on a continued sense of not belonging with a specific group. At first, I excelled and thrived in this atmosphere of creating new projects, traveling for work, being recognized for my accomplishments, and being in the public eye leading marketing campaigns working with executive management. I had success. I was validated. But I also felt trapped and like an outsider. Like I was using my skills to act like someone else, not me.
The takeaway from these three groups in my life—high school, the Navy, and a corporate job—is that I was seeking belonging in the wrong places with the wrong groups. Sometimes, we have no choice but to try and belong like with high school or perhaps a job. BUT we do have the choice to react to this situation differently to boost our sense of belonging in this place. And by changing how we react and perceive the situation, this can provide a greater sense of acceptance and confidence within ourselves.
And now let me share an example of feeling an all-encompassing sense of not belonging—and that is with being adopted.
I’d talked earlier about how essential it is to have that bond from the start with a caregiver when you’re born. And not having that bonding from the start can hinder your feeling of belonging. I know it did for me. Being adopted, I was first placed in an orphanage for months and then placed in a foster home before being adopted at a year old.
I’ve struggled my entire life with abandonment issues, and I believe it’s tied to my first life journey on the day I was born. That day I was whisked away from my biological mother before she even knew if I was a boy or girl. Hey, this was the 1960s so that’s how it was sadly often done.
I don’t believe I had that human connection early on that I needed to thrive fully emotionally. As a result, I’ve put up emotional barriers much of my life to protect myself. I’ve left people behind before they had the chance to leave me as I never wanted to be left behind again.
And feeling left behind is part of feeling like you don’t belong. This is how I felt much of my life. And as a result, much of my life I escaped. I ran from one thing to another, seeking acceptance and belonging in a new place and then another and another. Seeking ways to fit in.
Has this happened to you? Where you run toward the new in order to feel whole and fulfilled? To escape the present because it’s not working out? If so, I can relate.
But also, for me being adopted led to an overall sense of not fitting in throughout my adolescence and youth. At the time, no one in my family was adopted. None of my friends were adopted. It was a lonely place. I felt like an imposter. As if they all knew I didn’t belong. However, once I fully embraced that in being adopted, I’d been chosen and in being chosen that meant I did belong. And I learned that family isn’t made by blood necessarily—but by love.
And I now understand as an adult, that this feeling of not belonging in being adopted was my own perception, no one else’s. It had been a prison of my own making. If I’d only known then that I CAN control and create my own belonging, how this would have eased my anguish in youth.
If you’re struggling with feeling like you don’t belong now, here are 4 ways to take control and create a sense of belonging in most situations you’re in:
1. Engage!
Building a sense of belonging requires us to work at it sometimes. We must make an effort to belong. To put yourself out there and meet new people and have new conversations. You never know where and when a connection will spark between you and someone else.
2. Think of others
When trying to belong in a group or activity, look to focusing outward on others. Instead of talking about yourself, ask them questions. People love attention and to be asked about themselves. Once again, this can spark a connection between you and a stranger. Giving of ourselves to others can bring belonging. As the author Deepak Chopra wrote, “Giving connects two people, the giver and the receiver, and this connection gives birth to a new sense of belonging.”
3. Here’s another way to take control and create a sense of belonging …
Remember we are all different
Just because someone in your family or work or sports organization thinks and acts differently than you, doesn’t mean you can’t find common ground. You are in this group together for a reason and finding a thread that connects you or a mutual goal to work on together can be a powerful way to bond and feel a sense of belonging.
4. Here’s the final way to take control and create a sense of belonging …
Practice!
It can be challenging to put yourself out there to find a sense of belonging. It might not always work, but practice can help you feel more confident about doing it and eventually you will have success—which will motivate you to try again.
Again, here at my four ways to take control of your sense of belonging—engage, think of others, remember we are all different, and practice. In following this guide, you will discover how it ties into the idea that how we experience life is directly linked to how we react to it.
And being self-aware about who our authentic self is can guide us in how we react to events, people, and places. And how we react to life shapes not only our world view but our view of ourselves in our world. Sometimes, our perception of not belonging is just that—our own perception. I hope you can see that sometimes, it’s truly up to us to belong.
AND if you can’t find a way to belong in a group, this could be a sign that this group is NOT for you and it’s time to walk away. Just like the groups I tried to belong to weren’t right for me with trying to fit into careers in the U.S. Navy and corporate marketing.
And this self-awareness can help you combat not belonging.
As I mentioned before, the key to taking control of feeling like you fit in is this:
Connect with your authentic self and embrace it. And in doing so, you will love yourself and find belonging.
Embracing and feeling confident in who you are will help you create belonging in most situations. Because you will REACT with a sense of belonging. Your perception will change. And how you see these events, people, or places will change.
And through this you will see that in taking your true self with you wherever you go means that you can find a sense of belonging most of the time wherever you go—in any situation, with any group, and in any place.
You might know people who can do this. Those people who can go to any party and mingle and find something to talk about with anyone. Those people who strike up conversations with strangers in checkout lines. Those people who share their same self wherever they go.
These people are self-aware. They know themselves. They offer their authentic self to the world unapologetically. They give off the vibe of, “This is who the hell I am.”
My mom was one of these people. She loved herself and taught me that I must love myself before I can love others. She dressed colorfully, often not matching. She sang super loud at church even though she had a terrible voice. She talked to strangers in stores. As a teen, I was super embarrassed by her big, colorful loudness. Now I look back and smile, knowing she was her true unapologetic self. And I love her for that. I miss her big realness.
And now I honor her—and myself—and say her motto out loud.
This is who the hell I am.
Say it with me.
This is who the hell I am.
How does that feel?
Empowering? Liberating? Amazing?
I hope so. Practice this motto. Make it your own. I have.
The baseball player Leon Brown had some powerful words to say about this. He said, “You can search high and low to find happiness on earth, yet unless you love yourself, you will never find your true belonging.” My mom reflected this in her life as I try to do now in mine. I hope you do, too.
And belonging with yourself first comes down to one key thing: love. Love yourself and then love others. The monk and author David Steindl-Rast said that “Love is saying yes to belonging.” How beautiful. Love truly is the basis of belonging.
Loving and accepting yourself also goes along with understanding that we won’t be for everybody. We will be for some people—and we won’t be for some people. This is a fact. Just like some certain books, podcasts, movies, and hobbies appeal to some people and not to others. We must make an effort to find our people in our world. Our niche. And we can find many niches we feel comfortable in, but it won’t be with EVERY niche. I think it’s important to remember this.
And the reason WHY we won’t be for everyone is because of what I mentioned earlier that every unique person brings their whole self with them wherever they go. And this whole self they carry everywhere (just like you do) includes their experiences, memories, trauma, desires, and needs. And this is why you might not be able to connect with someone, no matter how you try. AND THAT’s OKAY. Don’t take it personally.
We are all different and this world is made up of different people. If not, I think it would be an awfully boring place to be. Think about that. We need different people to make our world this wonderful, fascinating, authentic place it is—and yes, even scary and wild and strange at times, too.
The poet Walt Whitman wrote a lot about belonging and how our world is made up of different people and places—and how we can find ourselves through them. I love this part of Walt Whitman’s poem Song of Myself. He wrote. “I celebrate myself, and sing myself, And what I assume you shall assume, For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.”
What lovely thoughts.
If you think about it, not belonging is really about being out of your comfort zone. So, either we learn how to embrace it AS our comfort zone—or we learn when to remove ourselves from the situation.
And once you accept the fact that you will connect with some people and not others, it can become easier to accept that you just won’t always feel like you belong everywhere, even if you try very hard to, BUT you will belong somewhere. Many somewheres. And you must seek out these places.
Here are 10 ways to find your “somewheres” to belong:
1. Become self-aware to know your authentic self and embrace it
(Remember: This is who the hell I am!”). Knowing who you are AND who you aren’t can drive belonging.
2. Along with this comes self-acceptance.
Accepting who you are will help you feel at home wherever you go. As the poet and author Maya Angelou said, “I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.”
3. Here’s the next step to finding your “somewheres” to belong and that is …
Find a purpose.
Having a sense of purpose gives us confidence and can help guide us in choices we make.
4. Find your people!
Seek out other like-minded people. Join groups that share the same interests as you. As you grow older, keep in mind that your interests can change, and you may decide to seek new people with new interests who can elevate and support your changing life journey.
For example, many years ago I wrote my first book without knowing any writers or authors. Once I completed that book I realized, I need to find other writers! I needed to learn about the craft of storytelling and network and build community. I needed to find my people. And I did.
Another example of this is many years ago when I was single and had moved to a new area alone, I realized I needed to meet people. So, I joined a singles group that did volunteer work. And I met my husband at the very first meeting I attended.
Part of finding your people also involves getting out of your comfort zone which can be scary, but the rewards can be greater than your fear.
5. Here’s the next step to finding your “somewheres” to belong and that is …
Seek belonging in person not online.
While there are many wonderful apps today to meet people to date or make friendships, actually building that connection in person versus online has many more benefits. Spending time with people in-person allows you to engage in a more physical sense, be your true self with more ease, and experience a fully dimensional connection.
It allows you to get to know someone without the screen of a computer or phone to hide behind. And it gets you out in the real world to experience things together hands-on whether it’s going to a park for a walk, getting coffee, or visiting a museum. It also allows you both to react to experiences together and share your spontaneous moments from the interaction of doing something active. It allows you to create shared memories together.
6. Here’s the next step to finding your “somewheres” to belong and that is …
Find a support group.
If you’re going through a life challenge or crisis, seek out others who are experiencing the same thing. This can not only help you connect with people who understand your situation but also help you feel not so alone in your situation.
7. Expand your life with multiple people and experiences.
Having a wide breadth of interests can expand not just your life but your sense of belonging. In doing this, you don’t belong just to one group, you belong to many groups and this strengthens your life foundation, security, and comfort.
8. Here’s the next step to finding your “somewheres” to belong and that is …
Find joy in your life.
Choosing to experience joy in life and being happy with yourself will shine out to others. They will experience your joy and be drawn to you—helping you feel a sense of belonging.
As the actress Goldie Hawn once said, “Happiness, I think, has to come in the beginning, truly, from feeling a sense of well-being within yourself. To me it's that incredible sense of belonging and peace within your own self and heart that really is joy.”
So, in a way, happiness and joy are connected with belonging first. Belong with yourself first and from there, find the comfort of belonging with others.
9. Be kind to yourself!
If you find you’re putting yourself out there and putting the effort to connect to find belonging, but it’s not working right away, that’s okay. Keep trying. Find other people, other groups. Perhaps you haven’t found your people yet. Don’t put yourself down or think you aren’t worthy of belonging. YOU ARE. Remember, we all belong somewhere—many somewheres.
10. Here’s the final step to finding your “somewheres” to belong and that is …
Create an action plan to change.
Sometimes feeling like we don’t fit in can be part of being stuck in a job or place you live. Even if you can’t change your situation immediately, you can work toward changing it. Inaction will keep you stuck—action propels you forward to find your somewhere to belong.
The bottom line when it comes to finding a sense of belonging is that it IS up to you—NOT others. Knowing and accepting yourself leads to belonging. You are wired to connect, and you are worthy of belonging. And it all starts with love. Learn to love yourself first, and belonging will come. Wherever you are in your life.
And just remember that this is who the hell you are. Embrace you. Love you. And others will too.
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