Bounce Back From Believing You Need to Build a Big Life
Hi Friends,
Today on Your Bounce Back Life we’re talking about recovering and resetting yourself from believing you need to build a big life. Okay, and trigger warning—I throw out a couple of curse words here and there today. Ha ha!
So, have you been trying to live a big life like me?
You may wonder what I even mean by that. I’m talking about how our culture glamorizes recognition, fame, and wealth. Everywhere in media you can see how we are pushed to strive for success. To be a winner! Network with BIG people! To be laser focused! Be obsessed with winning! Dominate in your achievements! Be in the top 5% of your industry! Or even the top 1%! Create a fortune and live BIG with fancy homes, vacations, cars! Build your body to its max BIG potential! To GO BIG and BE BIG all the time!
Wow, it’s exhausting just rattling all that off.
I’m a bit fired up about this topic today because lately I’ve been listening to some top podcasts that have been promoting this BIG LIFE mindset to be a winner. And it’s gotten me super angry.
I wondered why now suddenly I’m getting frustrated with this message that’s been out there for decades and I realized why. Because I’ve been following this roadmap of WINNING for years. A road map that can put me in the top 5% of what I do. Help me dominate. A road map that delivers fame and fortune. A road map that guarantees success, if you follow it.
And it got me damn angry. Why? Because there is no guarantee with any roadmap in life. AND because this roadmap is not even mine. It was created by others on different roads than me.
And I’m angry because I’ve been trying to follow this path of someone else. I’m angry because I’ve been following this idea that in order to matter, to have worth and purpose, that I must sacrifice and sweat and push myself to be better than those on the same road. That in living BIG, I will be a winner and NOT a failure. AND if I do, I, too, will achieve greatness like these GREAT others leading BIG lives.
Well, BULLSHIT.
I’m here today to tell you that you don’t have to WIN. You don’t live a big life to have purpose, to have self-worth, to matter, to make a difference, to have joy and contentment. I’m here to tell you that you can have all of this with living small. In fact, you can experience more of a BIG life by living a SMALL life in ways that matter more. And you are not a failure in living a so-called small life. Remember what the British statesman Winston Churchill once said, “Success is not final; failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts.” And living your life in ways that matter to you and no one else is courageous.
I’m 55-years-old (this week on June 12th!), and I’ve recently had a major epiphany with rejecting this big life concept. I’ve decided that I’m not going to continue to spend my life frustrated and unhappy because I didn’t achieve the mega recognition or financial abundance I was told I should strive for, AND I felt I should have achieved because I FOLLOWED SOMEONE ELSE’S ROADMAP TO SUCCESS.
Whatever roadmap you’re following, it doesn’t have to be about winning. Or be historic. YOU DO NOT have to be the one in your family to make it big and grab the top prize. That puts so much pressure on yourself. And then you’re gonna constantly feel like a failure when in fact, you probably had many successes that you’re not even counting because you’re measuring them against somebody else’s roadmap. It is not inevitable that your break will come if you exactly follow the success road map of somebody else. And if you think it IS inevitable, you can be setting yourself up to think you’re a failure—again and again.
You might see a lot in the media on the benefits of living a small life. Most of this is about living a minimalist life. Decluttering your space. Living within your means.
That’s not what I’m talking about today.
I’m talking about how it’s okay not to go for the “brass ring” in everything you try to achieve. It’s okay to achieve in small ways and live a slower paced life. You don’t need to make a splash in national media, but you can influence the people in your immediate world. And this can lead to a giant ripple effect. Like a stone dropped in pond can ripple slowly out to new shores. And your influence can extend from your small circle outward into the world.
And accepting that you will never acquire mega fame and fortune will bring you peace to live your life on your terms with defining what success means to you. Plus, imagine the freedom that comes with letting go of the stress of aiming for a big life. You can relax now! Let that anxiety go. Enjoy what you build in the small moments.
Just know that your definition of success will change over time. Your idea of success ten years ago is likely different than it is today—or will be ten years from now. Don’t let yourself be stuck on someone else’s roadmap, or even your own road map. Take the time to stop and re-evaluate your path. Change direction if need be. Slow down if need be. Whatever works for you in this period of your life.
I’ll be honest here, I’ve been striving for a big life for years with following this road map of others to be in the top tier with my life goals like …
· When I became a published author: I then thought I had to … Get to be a New York Times bestseller! Make millions of dollars! Write more books faster! Get thousands of 5-star reviews! Huge fan base! Get bigger advances! Sought after as a speaker! Get a film deal! Go on book tour around the world!
· When I began creating online courses: I then thought I had to … Be the top in my category! Make mega money! Create more courses! Sought after as a speaker!
· When I became a presenter and speaker: I then thought I had to … Get more gigs! Get higher speaker fees! Be sought after! Get a Ted Talk and go viral!
· When I created my Etsy Shop: I then thought I had to … Get repeat customers! Make more products! Go viral and make thousands of sales! Gather thousands of 5-star reviews!
· When I launched a podcast: I then thought I had to … Be found and followed! Grow reviews and listeners! Monetize big time!
These were all exciting and worthwhile goals, and in following the exact road map to success by others I was SURE to make all this happen.
Not exactly.
And in not achieving these BIG life goals with each product, service, or platform I created, I often felt like a failure. I had restricted myself. I’d been SMALL-minded through reaching with being BIG-minded.
But what I’ve come to realize in a huge light bulb moment is that I DIDN’T NEED to hit all these top achievements to win at life.
AND I HAD succeeded through what I’d already accomplished. I just didn’t fully recognize it! Because …
· I was a published author with several books in different genres.
· I developed and created online courses for writers.
· I created informational presentations and spoke and taught at dozens of conferences, colleges, and schools—many times as a repeat presenter.
· I created artistic designs with my Etsy shop Go Wild Design that I loved.
· I created my own content with no gatekeepers and produced it through my podcast.
And in doing all these things, I learned new things. I discovered how to create new projects and products and how to do public speaking. I shared my knowledge to help others. I became and accepted my authentic self. The naturalist, poet, and philosopher Henry David Thoreau once wrote that, “We are constantly invited to be who we are.” So, accept the invitation and be your authentic self.
Perhaps I didn’t make it BIG in any of my pursuits, but I had purpose in the doing. I had joy in creating and sharing. I influenced others. Others influenced me—mentored me. And in return, I mentored others! I put myself out there. I got outside of my comfort zone. I shared my unique voice with the world!
I realized I actually HAD been living a big life and didn’t even know it! And sadly, I didn’t enjoy it as much as I could have in the moments. I will now.
And what I also forgot on my big life road map was that living a BIG LIFE and WINNING were not all about the career achievements I’d just mentioned. That was a small part of it.
I forgot to take into account how I won in ways that matter more.
Spending time with the people I love. Creating experiences and memories to cherish. Taking care of those I love when they needed me. Taking care of myself when I needed me. Finding peace in tiny moments. Being grateful for the riches in my life that aren’t tied to money. Finding joy through seeking wonder every day all around me. Elevating myself spiritually in nature. Connecting with people who elevated and supported me—and me them. Being a survivor. Overcoming tough life challenges with resiliency and hope.
In accepting that I had more joy in living a small life than a big life, I became a Recovering Over Achiever.
I didn’t need to overachieve. I needed to slow down and receive. Receive all the good in my life. Receive what truly matters to me. Receive my accomplishments and relish them. Be a Receiver not an Overachiever.
Think about this: Humans have been living small lives for most of our existence on Earth.
The reality is that for the past one-hundred thousand years or more, we humans lived very simply. We had to hunt, prepare, and eat food. We reproduced. And we lived in small groups. That was our world.
Fast-forward to the last two-hundred years or so and then came the Industrial Revolution and that changed everything. Look at how fast things have evolved in just the last one-hundred years with electricity, mobilization, transportation, and technology. We’ve been on a superhighway speeding ahead like a blazing star, racing to get away from darkness. And in this race, we can do more. Achieve more. Succeed more. More. More. More.
But it's too much. There seems to be no end to what we can strive for and accumulate. But we can STOP from wanting more. Because when is MORE ever enough? The truth? It’s not.
Remember this: The smaller we live our life, the actual bigger our life can feel.
What a contradiction, right?
When we strive-strive-strive and don’t get the results we expect we can feel like we failed. We can feel frustrated, sad, angry with ourselves. But when we strive and accept “this is enough” we can feel like we’ve won. We achieved. We created. We accomplished. And in knowing that’s enough we can feel joy, self-acceptance, self-worth, contentment and peace.
Aren’t those feelings much more wonderful than feeling all that comes with thinking we failed? And with unrestricting ourselves, we can lead open-minded lives instead of small-minded lives. We can get off the narrow, choking road to a big, urgent, anxious life and instead take the wide, open, meandering road to a small, satisfying life. A balanced life. A winning life in many areas—not just trying to win BIG in one area.
Life doesn’t have to be ALL or NOTHING. That was my mindset before. Now I know it can be ALL and MANY THINGS.
Just because you don’t chase after winning doesn’t mean you’re losing.
Let’s talk about 6 ways to exit the winning roadmap of a big life as preached by others.
1. Figure out what success means to you
Take the time to discover what the description of success is for YOU. What matters to you. From small to big. Create a vision of what a life filled with purpose, passion, and joy would look like for you. REALLY look like for you. Not the vision of others. Then implement an action plan to achieve it.
I bet in doing this assessment that you’ve already achieved many things on your list of what success means to you! I know I did. And I also bet that many people see you as a success in many areas of your life, even when you don’t. Why not ask your closest family and friends where they think you’ve succeeded at and what they think YOU think success is?
2. Understand that your life is bigger than you think
Write down all of your achievements throughout your life. This doesn’t just include career or business. I’m talking about achievements from your WHOLE life. This can include family, friendships, career, education, service to others, choices made, connections you forged, how you handled a tough situation, overcoming a crisis with resiliency, health care and self-care, and more.
With all these “wins”, take note of all the joyous and rich emotional moments in your life tied to them. I know your long list will inspire you and warm your heart. It did for me. And in seeing my life “wins” on paper, I felt very rich and blessed indeed. And I wondered what other amazing joys will come my way through living a small life. This grew a seed of hope in me for all the wonder of life yet to come.
3. Set small goals to achieve and then celebrate
Even if you aren’t aiming for a big life, you should still be setting goals and taking action. And setting smaller goals to achieve will bring you more joy and a richer feeling of accomplishment with each achievement. And each small win can lead to more small wins (or even one big win) that add up to a Big Life. Having small goals doesn’t make them any less important then big ones!
4. Know that you can still make a difference in living a small life
Small doesn’t equal unimportant. Small doesn’t mean without purpose or meaning. You CAN have purpose and meaning in living a small life—and it can inspire others. You may inspire people around you in a small circle but that circle is fluid, it has a far wide reach. Like that snowball effect. The few people in your circle expand to other people they know and other people and other groups so your influence reaches more than you could imagine. What a wonderful idea.
5. Benefits of living a small life (or how to have a BIG life in living SMALL)
In creating your own roadmap to success and living it, you’re living your own truth—no one else’s. The quest to acquire material things and wealth actually disconnects us from what it means to be naturally human. We can become lost in the constant seeking of a Big Life. We can actually find ourselves through living on a simpler level. Accepting the place we make for ourselves in our world. Feeling satisfied with your life. And in craving more, craving bigger, craving better—we will continue to be dissatisfied and unhappy.
Think about this. Some of the most beautiful, joyous, and fulfilling moments in your life most likely came from the small moments. The thank you from someone you didn’t expect. The phone call from your son who needs your help figuring out a heartfelt problem. The spontaneous road trip and all you discovered along the way. The time you pulled over to watch a beautiful sunset by a field.
Also think about this. All the small moments day after day add up to big things. A long-lasting loving marriage. A friend you can always count on. A book you wrote. The exercise routine that changed your health and your body. The conversation with an inspirational person who led you down a new path.
6. Stop focus on WINNING and start focus on LIVING
The thing about winning is that once you reach one goal, you immediately set another. A goal to do more. Be more. Win more. But if we stop focusing on winning all the time, we can try new things and then move on. Sure, go for that goal. Do your best. Then let it go. And take with you what you learned. Let it become part of who you are. Praise your accomplishment or review what didn’t work and then set it aside.
I’m the kind of person who is drawn to learning and creating new things. Sometimes they work out and sometimes they don’t. But I always learn new skills and more importantly, learn something about myself that makes me better at navigating life. When I was struggling once to find purpose in what I should create next a friend told me that I live my life by trial and error through curiosity. I follow my curiosity and see where it leads me. Then she told me that you can’t turn the car by sitting in the driveway and turning the wheel. And that eventually I’ll put my car in drive again, take a turn, and one day bump into my purpose. I love this analogy. And I know she’s right.
Live your life on purpose—on your terms. On what success looks like for you.
Here are my 14 tips to live and embrace a small life:
1. Embrace the love in your life. Your family, your friends. The things you enjoy doing. Love widens our heart and expands our world.
2. Look at your life from the outside in and see it from a stranger’s eyes. What would they see? What would they be grateful for if they had your life?
3. Look for wonder in the small things (need to recover your wonder? Listen to Episode 5 of Your Bounce Back Life podcast on finding your sense of wonder again.)
4. Don’t compare your life to the life of others. This will absolutely lead you down the path to craving more and never feeling satisfied.
5. Set small, achievable goals—not monumental ones.
6. Be a lifelong learner. Keep learning new things that expand your worldview, your skillset, and your mindset.
7. Create your home as a comfortable, peaceful place you want to come home to. Make it a haven filled with what you love to do and the people you love.
8. Get outdoors more! Being in nature helps us unleash our stresses and worries and can bring clarity. It literally empties us out to focus outward and on the things that matter.
9. Do something different every day! I talk about this in Episode 9 of Your Bounce Back Life podcast in awakening spring in your heart all year long. In doing something new every day, big or little, it can add surprise to your day.
10. Meet new people. Creating connections with new people can bring a breathe of fresh air to our lives. It can help your small life feel a bit bigger.
11. Accept the struggle of life. There will be times we feel like life is a slog, big or small. Where we feel lost, stuck, discouraged, or in limbo. Understand it won’t be forever. Transitions can be hard but you will move through it in small steps.
12. Grasp the idea that you can downsize your life and be happier. Whether it’s changing from a high stress job to a more peaceful job or reducing your social commitments or moving out of the city to the country.
13. Create self-care routines that bring self-awareness, peace, and relaxation. This can be yoga, meditation, walking, or journaling. Whatever works for you. Build it into your day on a regular basis.
14. And finally … Enjoy life through all your senses. These are the small things that can bring us joy. In a delicious meal, a symphony, a painting, a soft blanket, or the piney scent of a Christmas tree.
You CAN still enjoy your life and the things that you create and do and how you put yourself out there without trying to go for the top prize. You can have a life that’s very satisfying and content. You can even be happier than trying to live a big life. Happiness is not just for the so-called big winners—HAPPINESS IS FOR EVERYONE! Poor, rich, young, and old. As the American Tibetan Buddhist nun and meditation teacher Pema Chödrön once wrote, “The happiness we seek is already here and it will be found through letting go rather than through struggle.”
And sometimes in striving for a goal, it’s OK to quit. Sometimes you NEED to quit. Many of these self-help gurus tell us to not give up, keep going, and do whatever it takes to win. They say that losers give up and winners stick with it. I think that is a recipe for an unhappy life! Quitting at times is the absolute best thing we can do for ourselves. And I dive deep into this in Episode 2 of Your Bounce Back Life on the art of quitting and the benefits of it. And sometimes what you’re going after you’re not gonna win it and that’s OK, but you may have learned a lot in the process to take on another journey to somewhere else that you can succeed at on your terms.
I mean, I now see all the things I’ve created in my life as wins, even though I didn’t become THIS or become THAT. It’s ok. Because winning and dominating and being in the top 5% is a lot more than just striving and envisioning and practicing and being laser-focused and having great habits … it’s also a combination of luck and trends of whatever industry you’re in and keeping up with those trends and meeting the right people and networking and who you know. It’s a lot about things NOT in your control.
I say love your dream and love your vision and work on it and yes, be focused, but that’s not the only thing you should be focused on. And be proud of every little step forward you take with your dream and every little achievement. Those are the wins all along the way not the big win at the end. It really is about the life journey, not the destination.
Absolutely model what others have done if it feels comfortable for you and if it feels naturally like it’s part of your plan. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you are going to achieve their success because we are all on our own unique paths and your success will look different from anybody else’s.
Living a small life is OK—good in fact—as long as you live with purpose. I’ve found purpose through creating. If you build a purpose-driven life—big or small—you can live your best life.
Choosing to let go of living a Big Life and embracing a Small Life can deliver one very important thing: contentment. I wish you all contentment by setting your own terms of success. It is, after all, your life to create. So, follow it by your rules, not someone else’s.
Resources:
How to recover and rest your sense of wonder
How to awaken spring in your heart all year long
The art and benefits of quitting