Sarah Norris - The Baby Detective (00:00)
Hello and welcome to Mama Island episode four, Dealing with the Noise. This is your safe, quiet and positive space where you matter and where mamas and mamas to be come together to learn about ourselves and our babies and to help and support each other unconditionally. I hope you've listened to the first three brief introductory episodes so you know why we're here and what we're trying to do.
And if not, you can pop back and check them out. Okay, so having your first baby is like nothing you've ever gone through before. Your whole life changes. You are still you, but you have a totally new role thrust on you, so you don't just have to deal with changes in your life, but in yourself and at the very deepest levels. This is a time
when we need our decision-making processes to be at their very best. So why is it that as soon as we even think about having a baby do our decision-making processes get totally derailed? I mean, it's like a full-on train wreck. Up till now, you've made decisions about relationships, money, work, health, where to live, clothes, food, exercise, hobbies, and most of the time...
We might ask family or friends for their opinions, but it's not a big deal. Yet, when I speak to pregnant women and new moms, most are confused, conflicted, worried, stressed, afraid, overwhelmed and wracked with self-doubt. Those that aren't are the ones that have all the decisions made. They have everything mapped out every step of the way. That's not good either.
because they aren't prepared for when things don't go according to their plans because good old and the mother nature and fate have their own plans. I would love to be able to give you special noise-cancelling headphones perhaps with a built-in guff filter but while I work on inventing those the next best thing I can do to help you is to bring you all to Mama Island
apart from the birds, the wind through the trees and waves on the beach. When you come here, there are no demands on your time or your attention. And without other people's noise, you can start to relax and feel the weight lifting from your whole body. Here on our island, you'll be joined by other mums and mums-to-be, all wanting to be heard and supported by others on the same journey.
So you're in good, safe company as we gather around our campfire. I always like a campfire because somehow fires are always comforting and they give us a focus as we think our way through sometimes challenging things. So pull up a pile of cushions and let's get started. So in episode three, I introduced you to the concept of giving our hearts time to speak and our heads time to listen.
And this is not just a feel-good sound bite. It's vital to avoid what I call pinball parenting. This is when parents are so confused by other people's noise and their opinions that they stop trusting their own instincts and abilities and just don't think straight. They crash from one problem to another, like on a pinball machine, getting more and more frustrated and confused, asking everyone's opinion.
trying to follow all the advice at the same time and buying every gadget and gizmo they can find. Eventually, I want you to be able to sift through these external voices, to hear them clearly, understand where they're coming from, work out if they're relevant to you or your baby or your life and to reject and ignore any that aren't and to dump them in the guff pit, which you'll learn more about in the next episode. But before we can do that,
We have to start with ourselves and check out our own internal voices because this is how we truly understand ourselves and what matters to us and what makes us us. It's the very foundations of who we are. We're going to have to be really honest with ourselves, which isn't always comfortable, but I promise you it's worth it. And when we've finished, we'll know and understand ourselves better.
And we can use that to help us be more confident and make better choices. What we're trying to do here is to recognise and hear our own inner voices and get to some real inner truths, not just the stories we tell ourselves. And for something like this, I think we need the emotional distance being here on our island. Our babies and families are all safely asleep. So let's gather around our campfire with our drinks and snacks.
Take a few deep breaths and look inwards. So what is going on inside your head right now? I know in your position, I'd have the voices in my head saying things like, I don't like the sound of looking inwards. I'm too busy for this. This might be really useful. I'll go along with it and see if it's relevant. And then maybe later on, I never thought about that. Maybe she's right. But if she is,
I might have to make some really difficult choices. I'm not telling myself stories. How dare she!
Oh Lord, I really hope at this point that I am not the only person with voices in their heads or you'll only think I'm crazy. I have asked a few people and it does seem to be a thing to have voices, so I'll carry on and hope you don't think I'm too crazy. You see, you mean we all do have voices. They seem to be either helping us or getting in our way, building up our confidence or knocking it down. But it can sometimes be hard to recognise which voice is which.
when we're busy, stressed or confused. So I thought I'd share my own strategy for head sorting in case it's any use to you. I am an introvert who spends a lot of time in my own head and over the years I've got to know the voices and given them names, sort of categories, to help me recognise what they're telling me and why. Because in the end, they are all parts of myself. And I came to the conclusion that ignoring
or favouring certain parts of myself is unfair and means that even in my own head, I'm not being heard properly. This is uncomfortable for me to share because it makes me feel very vulnerable. But I'm choosing to listen to the voice that's telling me I can do it. And that in sharing this, I may be helping you recognise your own voices and learn more about yourself. So let me introduce you to my many me's.
and how they affect my thinking and decision making. Firstly, there's little me. Little because she feels small and vulnerable. She needs help and support. She often says, I can't, because she's too tired and it's all too much. She is the voice of overwhelm, exhaustion, weakness, self-doubt, insecurity, imposter syndrome, and fear.
and often leads to avoidance and procrastination. This me is a survivor. She's not cheerleading strong, but quietly strong. Her voice says, I can do this. I may not know how yet, but I know I can find a way. She's patient and dogged and keeps going till she gets there. So she's very useful for when I'm doing something unpleasant or challenging.
If there are any Terry Pratchett readers out there, she's my inner Granny Weatherwax. She sees the world as it is, cuts through the crap, the excuses, the lies, are the people's and unfortunately my own. She applies a touch of cynicism to everything she sees and hears, and she's a pain in the butt because she doesn't let me get away with anything, ever. My Inner Sam. Oh, I love my Inner Sam.
because he's there when no one else is. In Lord of the Rings, when Frodo asks Sam what he believes, he replies that there's some good in this world and that it's worth fighting for.
He keeps me going when I think I can't. Life is simple to Sam. He does what's right just because it's right. He believes in honor, loyalty, faithfulness, duty, and hope, always hope. And this doesn't just apply to the outer world, it applies to the good in myself. My hopes and dreams, he tells me that I'm worth fighting for. Oops.
Confession time. I also have nasty me. That stupid, nasty little lurking voice inside that judges, blames, guilts, criticises and hates myself and other people. I'm ashamed of this voice, but no matter how hard I try, I can't stop the nasty in a comment, but I can be damn sure they never see the light of day by repeating my mantra. Never uttered.
only muttered. This voice is pointless and destructive, but still important because this is where all the resentments, angers and hurts hide and simmer, poisoning my life. We owe it to ourselves to hear these voices, to understand what they mean and where they came from, so we can soften and soothe them and eliminate the causes from our lives because they drag us down.
Now, to glorious me. Oh wow, I really hope you have a glorious me inside you because when she shows up, I feel like I can fly, like I can do anything, I'm unstoppable. I feel connected to nature and to the people around me. I can feel my own power that comes from being truly myself. She allows me to dream, to aim high because she tells me I already have.
everything inside me to achieve my dreams. When she speaks, life seems easy and clear. And if you don't have a glorious me inside you, then I'd love to help you find her. There, that's me and I can't believe I just opened up like that, but I did it because I feel it's important for us all to know who we are. Who is in our heads holding us back or lifting us onwards and upwards?
All of us need to be aware of and listen to all our voices because they are all the parts of us. These are the voices that have got us this far in life. To move onwards, to dream, to aspire, to achieve, to survive. That takes every single part of ourselves. And if we only listen to some and not others, we are denying parts of ourselves. We might be able to move forward like this, but there will always be a weak point that can cause problems later on down the line.
So if you only think you have the vulnerable voice, you have to look harder and listen more carefully until you can hear your survivor or your unstoppable voice. If you only hear your survivor or your capable voice, you're shouting down your fears and insecurities. You're like the friend or partner who loves the sound of their own voice and never really listens to you.
Your voices are your resources, your life tools and there is nothing in this life more likely to have you reaching for a toolkit than having a baby. So you need to be aware of all of your voices so you can pull them out to use them when you need them. If you ignore or deny any, you are giving yourself a handicap and making life harder than it needs to be.
So, assuming I'm not crazy and that you do have similar voices inside, now is the time to look inside yourself and get to know them accept them, make friends with them and acknowledge their effects on how you live your life as a partner and as a parent and as yourself. You might be able to do this quickly or it might take some time. And if you're struggling, it might help to take some me time and jot some thoughts down somewhere, just free flowing without trying too hard to see what you come up with. This is the start of creating a healthy, functional support network
by getting to know ourselves. They do say it takes a village to raise a child, and I agree. And we've started by creating and managing the village inside our own heads. So we know we can cope on our own, and knowing this makes us stronger. But the beauty of knowing this in a village means we are in a much better place to start working outwards and looking at our external village. And look properly.
Apply the same care and honesty you used on yourself. Think about what people say, but also how they make you feel. Who is really helpful? Who is really on your side? Who is knocking your confidence? Shouting you down? Trying to change the way you think or behave? Who would you choose to bring to a desert island to help you and your baby survive? And who would you be leaving behind?
Who would you choose if you could only take one person? Three people, six people, 10 people. Is your partner, if you have one, the one person you would choose to take? If not, why not? And what might you be able to do to change that if I asked you again in six months? If it turns out your partner isn't your number one and is never likely to change, who can you bring into your life
to make up for whatever is lacking? Or would you actually have a better life without them? If people you thought of as friends don't make your list, how can you lessen their negative impact? Is it something physical, like not spending as much time with them? Or could it be changing the way you let them affect you by working on yourself to strengthen yourself and weaken their impact? So many questions to ask yourself.
but you don't have to do it all at once. Go slowly and gently if that's what you need. Or go fast and blast your way through if that's what you're at in life. The thing is, losing my dad last year has really brought it home to me that life really is the most wonderful gift and that we mustn't waste it because we never know how much time we have. Every second really does matter. So we should live our lives to the full.
without letting other people's or our own voices get in the way. Babies are miracles that deserve to live a happy, healthy and fulfilled life. At the same time, you are also a miracle that deserves to live a happy, healthy and fulfilled life. And that's not going to happen if we can't think clearly and make the right decisions for us and our families. What I want for
you
is to have the self-belief and the skills to make your life and your parenting life an easier and better place to be. I want you to be able to recognise the wonderful people you want in your village, to help you raise your family, those people to value, the relationships to cultivate. And I want you to be able to see who is hurting you or holding you back. You don't have to cut these people out of your life.
but you can gently limit the time you spend with them or the weight you give their opinions. If someone is hurting you, you can try and understand which of their voices they might be listening to. They might not be trying to be nasty. They might just have their nasty inner me voice playing so loudly they can't hear the hurt they're causing other people.
They may have a particularly loud little me that drowns them in self-doubt, so they try and convert you to their way of thinking to justify their own choices. There's always a reason people behave the way they do. We can't change what they say and do. That's not our responsibility. We have enough to deal with ourselves. But if we can understand them in some small way, we can figure out ways to protect ourselves and our families.
Oh, and my cynical me just prodded me to add that we can also look at our own behaviour and make sure that we aren't letting any of our voices harm other people. Remember, only muttered, never uttered. See, I told you she never lets me get away with anything. Well, that was our first proper campfire and I don't know about you, but I found it pretty exhausting, so I'm very grateful for my virtual GNNT.
When I was writing this, I was getting some aha moments and some uh-oh moments, but things feel clearer for me now than before I started, so hopefully it's the same for you. So now we've had three mini episodes to introduce you to the idea behind Mama Island, who I am, and how it all works, and in this episode, number four,
have hopefully helped you to understand yourself and the people around you, so you could start to think clearly, make good choices and surround yourself with good people.
In episode five, I'll be exploring the myths, realities and wonderful possibilities of the often maligned routine, which I promise you will change your life. Because when you can think clearly and understand how to organise your life the way you want it, you have the two main tools for building or rebuilding your momma life. And in episode six,
I'll be talking you through a real case study to show you what a difference clear thinking, good choices and routine tweaking can make to a struggling family's life. And to get them back on track, to be who they really are, living the life they want with a happy and healthy baby.
After that, I'll be talking about whatever I think will be useful and what you want me to talk about. So please let me know what you're thinking and feeling, what's confusing you or demoralising you so I can do my best to enlighten, support and empower you on your mama journey. You can email me at sarah at babydetective.co.uk or DM me on Instagram at thebabydetective.
It's time to return to your off-island life now, but you don't have to go straight away if you need more time to think. Take as long as you need, strolling along the golden sands at the edge of the sea with the waves gently washing your bare feet while wandering through the beautiful forests along meandering pathways with dappled sunlight playing through the leaves. Only leave when you feel calm and rested and come back again next week, knowing that you are safe.
and supported.
