Sarah Norris - The Baby Detective (00:01)
Hello and welcome to Mama Island, where we travel away from the noise and the pressure of real life to a safe and quiet place where we can spend time figuring out how to be great mamas without losing who we are and what we love doing and how to get the mama life we really want.
Mama Island episode 5, the routines that can change your mama life. Hi and welcome to Mama Island. I hope you're having a good week, but whether you are or whether you aren't, you're in the right place because this is your safe, quiet and positive space where you matter and where we're all here to help and support each other. And only lovely people come here, so there are no mean girls. It's a typical lovely day here on our island.
comfortably warm with a slight teasing breeze cooling us down. And I've lit the campfire so we can gather around and stare into the flames as we think. So make yourself comfortable and listen up because this is an important topic. And when you get it right, it will make your mama life much easier. OK, so we're talking about one of my favourite subjects, routines, and it's a really big topic. So we'll make a start today and then come back to explore different aspects.
in an organic way, as and when it feels right, or when you tell me you want to talk about something in particular. But before we start, I want to show you our guff pit. If you've never heard the word before, guff in a dictionary means empty or foolish talk or nonsense. And it includes other words like baloney, bull, bunkum, crap, drivel, garbage.
hogwash, hooey, poppycock, poppycock, rubbish, and my personal favourite, flapdoodle. Parents today are drowning in guff. We're bombarded by it, hurting us and making us confused, stressed and anxious. I figured we need some way of dealing with it, so I invented the guff pit. On our island, we're going to be exploring everything to do with parenting and being a mum. And as we do,
I'd like you to imagine we are like kids playing in the sand. We'll be doing lots of digging, but also lots of sifting and sorting. Anything useful, helpful, practical and supportive, we'll keep and use to build something beautiful and strong. And anything that makes our lives more difficult and less enjoyable will be taken to the edge of our camp and dumped in the guff pit. So you never have to worry about it again. Right.
Jumping in at the deep end, I'm guessing most of you have heard that routines are bad for babies. I mean, you can't put babies in a routine because they'll be traumatised. They'll be permanently emotionally harmed. You have to respond to your baby at all times. Your bond will be damaged. They can't tell the difference between day and night for three months. And of course, shock, horror, the threat that breastfeeding will be ruined.
which seems to be the absolute worst thing of all. This is full on media and social media hysteria, tying itself in not sharing latest research shows articles, social media posts from self -proclaimed experts and endless memes all scaring parents after death. But the good news is that you can ignore all of that because basically it's guff.
It's made up. Misunderstood, misreported and sometimes deliberately manipulated and none of the claims have ever been supported by real reliable science. It's just more noise. Unfortunately, you're hearing this noise constantly from all angles. Everywhere you look, from family and friends, random strangers and even from health professionals who should actually know better.
I'm not kidding. I recently heard a health visitor refer to routine as the R word, whispering it behind her hand as if it was too terrible to say out loud. And it's crazy because babies love routines. They thrive on them. Basically, it's all become a big hot mess. And that's what I'm trying to unravel for you today.
So I'm inviting you to our island where we can get away from all the noise. We can look out to the beautiful horizon where the sky meets the sea. Take some deep breaths and get our heads straight. First things first, we need to understand just what a routine is. And it isn't what you might think. Those strict routines we've all seen with set times are not routines, they're schedules.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, a schedule, or schedule if you're in the US, is a plan for a process or procedure giving lists of events and times. So basically certain things will happen at certain times. Routines are much more simple. They're a sequence of events regularly followed. Basically doing things the same way.
No times involved. So if you follow something that says baby will sleep in the nursery between 10 and 1130 AM, that's a schedule because you're planning set things to happen at set times. This can be used as a one -off plan, for instance, feeding at a certain time. If you're going to the doctor's or traveling, or it can be every day when it then becomes a routine with a schedule attached because it has a time. Now,
Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with a routine plus a schedule. Nothing at all. In fact, I use these all the time with really great success. But, and it's a big but, that's not where I start. I always start with routine, a pattern of behaviour that the parents, myself and the baby follow to make life easier, calmer and more efficient and more predictable.
because that is the strength and beauty of routines. Think about yourself back in the real world for a moment. Every day you get up and you have your own little routine for showering, brushing teeth, getting dressed, having a breakfast, clearing up after breakfast. And because you do them all the time, you can do them on autopilot. No stress, no confusion, just simple and easy.
And because you've evolved these routines yourself, they fit your personality, your needs, your time and your situation. Now, picture yourself trying to follow some random expert's morning routine that they've decided is best for you without knowing anything about you or your life. How does that make you feel? Comfortable or uncomfortable? Relaxed or stressed? Now,
Imagine trying to follow that expert's routine with a minute by minute schedule attached. How easy and relaxed does that feel? I'm guessing not at all. Do you get what I'm trying to say? That your routines support you because you created them and you can change them or ignore them anytime you like. Like at the weekend, you might stay in bed all morning, have a bath instead of a shower.
You can change what you do, how you do it, the order you do it, or even miss bits out. Does that make sense? I'm hoping that by now you are starting to realise just how fluid, flexible, supportive and useful your own daily or weekly routines are. And how useful that would be if we could apply it to your baby life. Well, something else we need to think about are the routines of the world around us.
because we don't exist in isolation and that is something that those who argue against routines with babies really just don't get. Routines are the most natural thing ever and it's a huge part of the natural world and our own evolution. Okay, we're on an island so let's talk about crabs for a minute. The tides around our island happen twice a day but they're 50 minutes later each day so they're not set times.
no schedule. And they stir up bits of dead plants and animals in the sand. This is yummy dinner for crabs who evolved to exploit this food source. With a routine that means feeding just as the tide is going in or going out. Birds and animals that think crabs are yummy dinner also learn the crab's tidal routine and they incorporate that into their own day. Mamas on this island can do the same thing when we fancy a crab lunch.
We can plan our day so that baby is fed, winded and settled just before or just after the tides turn so we are free to collect the crabs. Or if we want to tend our crops or collect plants, we need a routine that plans baby's feeds and sleep times so we can work outside in the mornings or late afternoons to avoid the hottest time of the day. Or we can plan to have our chores done before evening so we can come together around the campfire to cook or enjoy company.
It's not a schedule. We aren't setting times or following clocks or limiting or restricting ourselves. We are just arranging our day so we can do what needs doing at the most sensible and convenient times. To survive and thrive, you have to build your routines around the most important factors for you. And the good news is that babies are fine with this. On the one hand,
They love predictability and consistency. And on the other, they can cope with flexibility and change as long as we don't ignore your baby's individual needs. So how can we use our knowledge of routine to help fit baby into our daily lives when we leave Mama Island? Well, baby's needs are much simpler than our own because they just need the four basic things to feel well -fed, well -rested,
secure and comfortable. And then after two months, they need those same needs plus time and opportunity to wriggle and play and more interaction with you and other family members. Don't worry if you're a single parent, you are totally in our right. That baby's needs acknowledged. Now, what about your needs? What's important to you? When would you like to start the day?
or end the day? Do you have to do school runs with older children? Do you have a dog to walk? What household chores do you have to do? Do you have to go out shopping or prepare meals? Do you have to go out to work or to work from home? Do you need to rest in the day? Do you have medical appointments to go to? Are there baby groups or mums groups you want to attend?
Would you like to do any exercise classes or sports? When would be a good time to do hobbies or crafts? How much me time or alone time do you need? Do you want to go out with friends or have date night with your partner? Do you want to visit family or go on holiday? These are all important components of your life. And have you noticed how your needs are as high a priority?
as any other family member. And if you don't spend time thinking about these things now, the arrival of your baby can drop like a bomb and blast your life to pieces, especially if things don't go as smoothly as you expected. I talked to one of my clients through this list of things to think about and she looked like she was going to burst into tears. Firstly, because she didn't realise she was actually allowed to prioritise herself. And secondly,
because she thought we had to come up with one routine now that fitted all those things in one go. The good news is that yes, you totally get to prioritise yourself. And the even better news is that you don't have to do it all at once. You could start with one thing, then add another and another, building your routines gradually, organically and comfortably. For some people, it's enough.
to know when the last feed of the day will be so they know when they can expect to go to bed and then they are happy winning it for the rest of the day. Others might try to space out feeds regularly, evenly through the day so they know they will have regular breaks. Someone else might rather have a routine that gets them and their older children through the school run, then relax and demand feed the rest of the day. Others...
may prefer to know roughly what time all their feeds are so they can plan other activities around that. Many of my mums seem surprised to hear that they can have a different routine for the weekend or even that they can have a different routine for every day of the week to fit each day's activities. And routines can also be temporary. For instance, if you normally demand feed frequently but your boobs get sore, you can implement three hourly feeds,
just for a few days to give your boobs a break. Or you might be perfectly happy with no routine, then use a special routine to support you on travel days or for holidays. The thing is, if you've never sat down and thought about all this, you won't be prepared when your baby comes. And it's always easier to do some research, thinking and planning before they arrive because there is nothing like a new baby for scrambling your brain and
derailing
any form of logical thought or reasoning. And if your baby is already here, you can calm the chaos and rebalance everything at any point. It's never too late to remake your baby life the way you want it. Remember, babies should be a positive addition to your life, not a wrecking ball.
I know we haven't even started talking about how to set up routines or adding timings to our routines, but I promise you I'll talk about that very soon. I'm hoping you are starting to realise how useful and positive routines can be and how they help you create a balanced and easier baby life. But can I just share some of the consequences of buying into the routines are terrible idea? I've done a great many troubleshooting jobs over the years.
where I've gone to families, where everything is going wrong. There's chaos, confusion, anxiety, depression, stress, and unhappiness. And a common factor in most of them is the lack of routine. Sleep and feeds are all over the place. Baby is crying, parents are exhausted from lack of sleep. Mum can't leave the house, so she's isolated and lonely. She's overwhelmed by baby chores and housework. Can't get anything done.
and definitely never gets any time to herself or prioritise herself in any way. And it's also unnecessary because as soon as I start introducing gentle, flexible, appropriate routines, everything starts to calm down and fall into place. Routines give you stability and predictability and that gives you your life back. The thing is, I can only work with a few people.
And I know there are a thousand, perhaps millions more out there going through the same dreadful times, all because some idiot somewhere told them that you can't or shouldn't put babies in a routine. So please, please don't ever believe that. Let's pick up all that stupid routine bashing and dump it into our guff pit where it can't cause any more damage. I know there is a lot to think about and I hope I haven't overwhelmed you.
but I know routines can really help you and are hard to start somewhere. The thing is, I don't know what to tackle next about routines and schedules, so I'd love to hear what you're thinking and feeling right now. What questions do you have? What do you want to know next? What problems are you having that you think might be helped by routines and schedules? Could you share those thoughts with me in my DMs on Instagram?
at The Baby Detective or could you email me sarah at babydetective .co .uk I promise you it's me who will read and reply and that I'll use your thoughts to help me plan future Mama Island episodes. That's it for today and I hope you found something to love about our time together. If you did then please take a second to hit subscribe and share it with anyone you know.
who could do with some time on our lovely island. And if you want to check me out on Instagram, I'm at The Baby Detective. See you next time!
