Melissa shares her WHY

Embarking on a journey beyond the stained glass windows and pews, I, Catherine Melissa Whittington, share the intimate tale of "Leaving the Church to Find God." It's an exploration that surges past the traditional borders of organized religion, spiraling into the heart of self-discovery and the harmony of inner peace. Reflecting on the momentous occasion of my 41st birthday, I realized that the truest form of growth and self-love lies in the unchaining of one's spirit from the fetters of indoctrination. This episode is not just my narrative; it's an open invitation for you to unravel the cords of doctrine that may have bound your own journey and to seek a purpose that resonates with your soul.
 
 Navigating through the layers of childhood teachings that mingled the warmth of faith with the chill of eternal consequences, I recount how these early beliefs cast long shadows over my path. The clash between my spiritual gifts and the church's stern disapproval often left me feeling both uniquely chosen and unjustly cursed. As we wade through these waters together, I extend a hand to those of you who grapple with similar experiences, offering this podcast as a sanctuary where we can share our stories and support each other's spiritual quests. Let's embrace this opportunity to foster a community where understanding and connection illuminate our individual roads to the divine.

Transcript

Melissa: 0:05

Aloha and welcome back to Leaving the Church to Find God, your safe space for exploring faith beyond traditional walls. I'm your host, melissa, and whether you grew up in the Evangelical Church, like I did, or any other system, seeking answers, you're in the right place. This podcast isn't about judgment or attacking institutions. It's about honest conversations, diverse spiritual paths and celebrating the unique journeys that we all take in search of meaning. We've all experienced indoctrination in some form, and here we explore how it shapes our understanding of ourselves and the divine. Each week, we'll dive into thought-provoking topics, share inspiring stories from guests and listeners like you, and offer tools and insights for navigating your own deconstruction journey. Remember, leaving the Church doesn't mean leaving your faith. It's about finding your own authentic connection to something greater. So buckle up, embrace the open dialogue and join me as we explore what it means to move beyond confines and discover the deeper personal connection to the divine that exists within us all. Aloha, I'm Catherine Melissa Wittington, and I'm going to be your host for Leaving the Church to Find God. Thank you so much for being here in this space with me and for joining for the very first episode. I was racking my brain trying to figure out where to begin this story, so I'm going to share with you my inspiration for starting this podcast. About two years ago, I had started writing a book about leaving the Church to Find God. As I'm writing this book, more of the deconstruction not just of the doctrine but of the indoctrination that I had experienced in the evangelical church, started to come to light. After spending so many years deconstructing doctrine, I realized at this point that I was deconstructing indoctrination and how deeply it went and how much it was affecting my life. This work it started when I was born and I know that it will be a work of a lifetime, but I have come so far and I have come to a place where I'm ready to share my story. As I started to talk to more people about this experience, the more I realized that I wasn't the only one with a story to tell. That's how the podcast was born. I felt inspired to create a safe space where we could all come together to have these conversations about questioning about faith, about what we were taught and what is true, what is true to us, what is our path to the divine. I believe that, although it is an individual path for each of us, that by coming together by sharing ideas, community love and support and hopefully, some laughs that we'll be able to take this journey together. So I felt a start. I would read to you the introduction of my book.

Melissa: 2:57

Yesterday was my 41st birthday. It was the best day of my life. There was nothing particularly spectacular about it. There was nothing particularly noteworthy, in fact. For many it would seem like a bore, a complete social failure, but it wasn't that at all. It was a day of completeness, fullness and joy.

Melissa: 3:21

It started the evening before as I contemplated the idea of spending the day mostly in solitude. I didn't feel like I had anything to prove and I hadn't even tried to make plans. I didn't feel the need for them. I realized that the person who is most important to me, the person who I really wanted to spend time with on this special day, was me, the one I love to create memories with, the one who makes everything feel safe and secure. She's already here. At this point in my life, I truly am my favorite person and I believe that that's a sign of my growth.

Melissa: 3:58

So I felt this strong desire to celebrate myself and how far I've come. Acts of self-love, care, acceptance, compassion They've all recently become more familiar to me and have been a very grounding practice, but this time it was different. It wasn't a practice anymore. The source within me has become so much stronger than the programming, stronger than the self-doubt, stronger than the self-hate, stronger than the feelings of unworthiness that this source, this bright light within me, is now the dominant voice and the love that is there. It came from inside me and wrapped itself around me in true appreciation, and with that came the knowing. I want to celebrate me today. It's such a beautiful feeling, like the love and care that I have for my friends, but stronger and deeper. I spent the day singing happy birthday songs to myself, starting with Stevie Wonder, then Fitty Cent, moving all around everything I could find on YouTube. Then the music and the dancing it took over and I found myself in a state of pure bliss. Meditation and time with nature have become a regular practice for me, this thing that I used to think I should do or that I needed to do. It's become something that I love and that I look forward to. It's become this precious opportunity for me to connect with me, not just this me that's always going, but all of me.

Melissa: 5:25

I had asked a question earlier in that day. It was a subtle question, casual even, and I didn't give it any thought afterwards. You see, I've been in what I felt like an eternal limbo about what to do with my life. I desire big things, I'm creating the life of my dreams, yet I have no idea what to do from one day to the next to get there. I'm no stranger to hustle and I'm able to focus and achieve goals, but when the goal changes and it's no longer about being something and it becomes about just being well, that left some questions for me to ask, and I believe that if I ask, I will receive. My question today was what's next? I am continuing to grow my photography business. I'm overflowing with creative ideas and I know that it's time for me to claim my birthright of a life well lived. But how? What is the path of least resistance?

Melissa: 6:22

As I continued to throw down in my living room and sink at the top of my lungs, my thoughts moved along with my day and I continued to revel in my self-allowed bliss. The time came where I felt inspired to do my meditation practice, and this time I had a special request I want to fill the source within me. I want to feel the source outside of me. I desire to feel my own presence beyond my body. I want to feel more of who I really am. I went into my quiet space and enjoyed my deepening practice. Well, thoughts would come in and out, as usual, I spent some time in state of wholeness, in states of wonder, where I couldn't, nor did I try to differentiate from one part of my body to the next or even remember where I was sitting, completely losing track of my physical relationship with time and space. I've been here before, but this time it was deeper. I finished up my practice and didn't think much of it.

Melissa: 7:22

About an hour later I was getting dressed and started to think about how wonderful I was feeling. How would I explain this to my friend who I was going to meet later for dinner? How did I get here? Where would I even begin? Then I felt it, a wave that felt like strength, calm and power, and yet is inadequately described with those words. It was like me bubbling up from within me, a bigger me and me beyond myself. And with all the clarity in the universe, I said out loud I am going to write a book, I'm ready to tell my story. I didn't even really say it. It just came out of me. I looked into the mirror, threw the mirror into my soul and I said you're going to be a bestselling author. You're going to help so many people. Your book is going to change the world. This is it. This is how all of the dreams and visions come together, and you already have everything that you need. Now I've spent a lot of years on the church, pew shouting through the aisles and what I truly felt was joy. But this, for me, this, was a real revival.

Melissa: 8:35

Many of my earliest memories are set in a church. I didn't always fit in with the other kids. I felt a lot of responsibility and lost my ability to play pretty early. I spent a lot of time with my grandfather Winford and my grandmother Catherine, who I was named after. At the time it didn't occur to me that this was unusual. I felt most safe and comfortable with them, so naturally I desired their company. I remember one time I was in the backseat of their old Oldsmobile on our way to a church service, and I was in the backseat as per usual, daydreaming, thinking of the many ways I would one day show up in the world. I often tripped of when that time would come. My grandfather, who was affectionately referred to as Pop-Aul by his grandchildren, called back to me and said I see you thinking back there, missy. You're always thinking, aren't you? It was something about the way he said it. There was a complete recognition in his voice that made me feel seen. It was a good feeling and I would spend much of my life chasing it through the validation and approval of others. But nothing ever hit the same as being seen that afternoon for doing nothing but just being myself.

Melissa: 9:42

Childhood in my teenage years, like for many, was often painful and lonely. The church was a place where I could go, lay my burdens down and turn it all over to God. This sounded good to me. I mean, who couldn't use a place like that, right? But there was also something that didn't feel right, a lot of things that didn't feel right. Really, the love and comfort that was being shared felt great, but the Hellfire and Damnation part it didn't feel aligned with that message.

Melissa: 10:08

So Jesus loves the little children, all the little children of the world, but that's as long as they find Him and follow these very specific instructions, and if they get off the path, that's okay. Just hope that they're able to course correct and find forgiveness, before any accidental death or dismemberment occurs, of course, because Lord knows. If you die and you're sleeping, you didn't pray before bed, that's it. You're inevitably doomed.

Melissa: 10:33

Now go out there and spread the word to the world. Tell them how wonderful it is to live for Jesus. We will welcome them with open arms and indoctrinate them until they fully agree that we deserve infinite torture for not falling in line. Go tell them how joyous it is. They said, and let me tell you I did. I told them, I told them all. You see, being very empathetic and definitely neurodivergent, let me to know that I had a purpose, that I was someone chosen, special. Even. It was officially my job to make sure that the world would not go to hell. Needless to say, this was a heavy burden for a child to bear. The message, backed up by the scripture, was it's okay, the world will ostracize you. That means you're doing it right.

Melissa: 11:21

I still have to pause and release the shame of knowing that I told my fourth grade classmate that her mother had most definitely gone to hell after her car accident. I mean, she wore pants. That's where I have the sins of them all, although I fully believe that what I was doing was needed to save her soul and prevent any more of her family members from the fiery pit that awaits them. There's still a part of me that fails regret for how that must have made her feel. I remember going to bed at night and praying my nightly prayer. It went like this Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, and if I die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take. I have to give it to him. It's legitimate rhyme, but holy moly, that's messed up.

Melissa: 12:06

I spent my entire childhood afraid that if I forgot to say this prayer and then somehow died in my sleep, that I would be punished for all of eternity. This was a big contributor to my overwhelming eagerness to get baptized. It was the next logical solution to wipe the slate clean in case there was something I had missed in my nocturnal devotions. According to my mama and my pop-all, I wasn't quite mature enough at seven to relinquish my sinful ways, so I was made to wait until I was 10. Thank goodness I made it those three years. All that sin is a lot for a kid to have weighing on their conscience. I sarcastically spell out these words as though they're normal, because for so many it still is. I'm not resentful of these teachings, because I know that those who are teaching them genuinely care for my soul. I also will not deny that many of the teachings I learned those 20 plus years have been invaluable in my growth as a person and on the path that led me here, but we'll get to more of that later.

Melissa: 13:04

A recurring source of torment for me growing up in the church was knowing that I had abilities and insights that the world around me had decided were inherently wrong or even satanic. The earliest example of this that I remember was when I was about four years old. I started to notice that I would dream about things Really nothing notable, but clear visions that would then happen in the next couple of days. I remember one vision of some of my cousins using a glass to listen through the wall of the church nursery to overhear a conversation. That was a possibility that I hadn't previously been aware of, and then it happened the very next day. My cousin had seen this on a cartoon and it had this idea. I don't remember any other details about these early dreams, but I'm pretty sure that the significance was more in the realization that I was having them. Then it wasn't the content of the dreams. Sometimes the visions would happen when I was awake. It only recently occurred to me that that was a result of many hours disassociating or daydreaming, playing, creating and being in the flow.

Melissa: 14:08

I spoke my mind quite easily and was naturally really in tune with people's actions and feelings, interactions and intentions Something that did not bode well with the educators in my school nor the elders in the church. Come to think of it, it didn't bode well with much of anyone. This is a very big part of why I felt that I didn't fit in. Other kids were different. They were carefree. I was careful Always.

Melissa: 14:34

I now understand that these are symptoms of trauma and in a much larger scope, they are the evidence of my own creation, the pulling from my soul's desire to create a very big life full of joy and abundance, full of self-actualization and co-creation. But before we go there, let's go back to that four-year-old girl. I started realizing that these visions were indeed happening and I got curious. So I told my mom about it. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were driving down the road. Before I could even get it out of my mouth. She shut it down hard and fast. I was quickly informed that what I was talking about was a witchcraft and that it was of the devil. Her words are not mine. This memory is also one of my most clear memories of being split in parts. Part of me shrinking and small from shame, internalizing the realization that I am inherently cursed, broken and evil. The other part of me growing larger inside, growing with desire for a full life and confident in the knowing that what was happening felt fun and it felt good and that there wasn't anything inside of me that intended or even felt evil.

Melissa: 15:44

In 2006, I moved to the island of Maui and have called it my home for the last 18 years. I didn't realize at the time, but leaving the looking glass of my community was essential to deconstructing the indoctrination and to realize this path that I am on now. So magical to me how life works out. It's really magical to me how this book is currently coming together. You see, I felt this undeniable inspiration and it's so clear that I'm just allowing it to happen through me. I didn't realize what this book would be about until it started to unfold. It's not conjured or planned. I follow the flow and it beautifully pours out. I'm growing from it, I'm learning from it.

Melissa: 16:26

The remembering is happening and it is written on these pages. It is powerful and I'm honored to share it here. What I feel now, the assuredness, the absolute joy in knowing it, left me that day when I was four years old. That's the day I split myself in parts. There was a part that needed to survive and to be nurtured by the world around her, and there was another part that knew that one day her time was coming and that she would not ever give up. Until that happens. Into that sweet little girl, I just want to say we're here. We're here. We made it. Thank you for holding on to us. Thank you for listening to me read this part of my story.

Melissa: 17:15

I'm really looking forward to sharing the whole book with the world. I know that it will reach and touch the people who it's meant to reach and I appreciate you giving me your time. I appreciate you being here. I would love to hear from you If any of you want to share your story. You don't need to be in any specific space on your journey. There is no beginning, there is no end. It's a path of learning. It's a life. It's a life of learning. If you want to share your story, I would love to have you here. If you know someone else you'd like to hear from on here, please send them my way. Realizing the importance of this work to me in my life and being able to be able to share my story and to be able to share the work of others with you here is an honor and a blessing. It's important to me that this is a safe space where everyone feels welcome to come and share kindness and community and healing. Thank you again for being on this journey with me.

Melissa: 18:19

Join us next week as I interview subtle energy worker Rich Wollstead, who spent 30 years as an evangelist before realizing his true powers and becoming a psychic healer. It's a two-part episode and I can't wait to share it with you. Thank you, I love you and have a beautiful rest of your day. I hope this conversation has sparked some reflection and inspired you on your own path. Thank you for joining me on this journey. You enjoyed this episode.

Melissa: 18:47

The best way to show your support is to subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts. Also, share your thoughts by leaving a five-star review. It really helps. More people find this space, want to go deeper, head over to my website at LeavingTheChurchToFindGodcom. There you can make a donation and make sure that we continue to have these conversations, no matter where you are on your spiritual journey. If you or someone you know would like to join the podcast and tell your story, please reach out to me on Instagram at authenticallymeli. Remember you're not alone on this journey. Keep exploring, keep asking questions and keep finding your own unique connection to something greater. Until next time, stay authentic, stay open and aloha.