Finding Community Outside of the Church

Discovering community can be an unexpected journey—one that leads us far from the steepled silhouettes of our familiar churches. I found myself enveloped by the 'ohana' spirit in Maui, where traditions are reshaped, and bonds are forged on the foundation of shared values, not just shared pews. In this heartfelt episode, I peel back the layers of my life to show you the vibrant tapestry of connection that exists beyond the church doors. Through tales of our Taco Tuesday tribe and non-church Easter festivities, I celebrate the myriad ways in which community reveals itself, offering a haven for anyone seeking solace or celebration amidst life's tumultuous tides.

When the world seemed to crumble under the weight of a pandemic, the true essence of community shone like a lighthouse through my fog of long COVID and personal loss. This episode isn't just a recounting of personal trials, but a beacon of hope, demonstrating the incredible strength found in the arms of those around us. I share stories of unwavering support, from friends rallying during times of grief to neighbors banding together in the face of local emergencies. Join me in honoring the resilience and warmth of human connection that persists, even when the church bells fall silent. Let's cherish the shared stories that remind us, we're never truly alone.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:15

Aloha, god potters, welcome, welcome, welcome. So today's episode is about community and how community does not belong to the church. I will be reading a lot of it. I was writing out an outline to do this recording and it became a writing, so it just seems natural to read it to you. But first I want to preface with a part that I did miss, which is that the foundation of this country, outside of the indigenous people who lived here beforehand, is based on evangelicalism. It was built by missionaries. The culture that we know as Americans is an evangelical culture. Whether you were raised in the church or not. The foundation of our society, our culture as the United States, is one of evangelicalism and with that comes the idea of community, because church tries to own community. And as Americans it's harder for us to see that because our society is based on that. But when you look at other cultures outside of the United States, what I'm saying is just common knowledge. So this is probably more specific to people who are in the United States or grown up in the United States, and I just wanted to preface with that to say that these things are just understandings. What I'm about to share with you is just regular understanding in most cultures around the world. So community does not belong to the church.

Speaker 1: 2:47

I was really contemplating this after Easter Sunday slash Trans Awareness Day, now that I'm officially in the world of ex-evangelicals. I saw a lot of people posting about how these types of occasions make them feel the loss of community that they have in the church, about how they miss watching other kids grow up with their own children, how they miss the food and the fellowship and all of these occasions and coming together I hear people talk about. They don't want to leave their church. They don't necessarily feel aligned with what's being taught or what's happening there, but that is their community. So I just bring it to you like. This immediately struck a chord for me, because my experience of the Easter holiday is always full of community and I haven't been to Easter Sunday in a church in probably 20 years or more.

Speaker 1: 3:39

I've been sitting with this for a couple of weeks, a few weeks now, and I feel like it's important to address it because it's yet another myth produced by the church, a myth that is meant to keep us there, keep us in line, keep us isolated from the world around us. This idea was even ingrained in me, although it wasn't what I was experiencing and when I looked at the reality of my experience, I could see this myth, this lie, for what it was. So, here on Maui, many of us live away from our families, so we form what is referred to in Hawaii as Hanae family. Hanae family are the people that are family, family even if they're not related by blood. This happens everywhere, not just here, but because this is where I am, it's the experience that I could speak to.

Speaker 1: 4:27

Since I have been here for almost 18 years, I have become a part of many Hanae families, one of which being the Taco Tuesday group. This group formed about eight years ago, I guess, when all of these friends' littles were little or not even born yet, and for years we would meet each week and make food while the kids would play together. We'd all laugh and catch up on our weeks and enjoy each other's company. During the pandemic, we couldn't meet up for a while, but we would have virtual happy hours every day and have the same for the kids to all connect and catch up. They would have their own little virtual happy hours. We shared our sourdough and our homemade salsas and our gardens and anything else we produced as a result of the immense amount of spare time that we all suddenly found ourselves in possession of amount of spare time that we all suddenly found ourselves in possession of. When one of us was going to town or Costco, we would reach out to the group text and pick up whatever was needed for everyone so that less of us were going out into the potentially contaminated world. And once lockdown was lifted, we remained careful but started to gather weekly again, providing a much-needed connection for all of us. While we no longer gather each week, we still do on a regular basis, especially on a birthday or other special occasion. We still do get together and the group chat is still going strong. So every Easter we gather with the kids, we hide eggs, we hunt the eggs, we have brunch, we watch the kids grow up together, we enjoy each other's company, we eat delicious food.

Speaker 1: 6:04

I would say it's no different than a typical church Easter Sunday, except that it is very different. It's different in that I don't have to sit through a two-hour service filled with graphic photos of a white man on a cross and a year's worth of guilt to keep me oppressed and shamed until the next time around. It's different that there are no self-righteous parents gloating about how their children will not hunt for the eggs because of the pagan traditions of the Easter bunny, and I don't have to accidentally shave off my eyebrow in a hurry to look perfect because Easter Sunday is the fashion walk. It's the catwalk of the church. So in case you're wondering, yes, there are lots of compliments and enjoying each other's clothing in the Taco Tuesday group, but for the past three years there's three of the ladies that have been wearing the same tiger print dress, going completely matchy-matchy. So it's definitely not that catwalk fashion that we get on Easter Sunday in the church, but those are like pretty small, like superficial things.

Speaker 1: 7:14

In the whole scheme of it, what I enjoy the most is that it's fulfilling company, because I'm with people who are aligned with my beliefs and my values, with people who are aligned with my beliefs and my values. I'm telling you this because I want you to understand that community is not synonymous with the church and while leaving your church, community may be terrifying at the moment, I promise that there is so much community of people who will align with you and they're waiting on the outside. Community doesn't belong to the church, it belongs to humans. It is completely innate and necessary for our survival. The thing that the church encourages us to only commune with other believers is so that we don't see that there are many healthy and supportive communities within our work groups, within our friend groups, within our children's sport groups and other activities. There is community available for us everywhere.

Speaker 1: 8:14

Convincing us that when we leave the church we lose community is another lie of indoctrination, and I invite you to free yourself from it. Even if you've already left the church and you feel like now I lack community, I invite you to look at the places in your life where you may actually have community that you don't realize. Like, are you in a fantasy football league? Like, is there community there? Are you in a book club? Is there community there? Are you in a bowling league? Like, is there anything that you do in life where you're gathering with other people on a regular basis and creating community together? You probably already have it in ways that you don't realize and you know. You can release yourself of that guilt and that lie that you lost your community when you left the church. I remember when my brother Joey was born, there were some neighbors I believe they were Swiss they brought us a cake. We were a bit shocked and they explained that in their country it is custom to take a cake to someone when they have a baby. I remember thinking that that was pretty cool and that they do that too, because before that moment I thought that that only existed within church community. I didn't realize it then, but that memory stuck with me because it was a clue, an invitation to question what I had previously been taught.

Speaker 1: 9:35

Now back to the pandemic. I personally have had COVID at least seven times. I have tested positive seven times, so we'll say seven, and it often hits me quite hard. Now this has been going on for three years, including the long COVID, from the first time I had COVID. And still, when I'm sick, the people in my community bring me food and electrolytes and anything else that I may need. I'm pointing this out because I've heard so many people say you know, oh, if I lose my community, what if I'm sick? What if I need help? I don't have people that will be there for me, and I just want you to understand how false that really is.

Speaker 1: 10:15

The first time I had COVID, I was stuck in bed for five weeks. Friends would stop by and they would take my dog for walks. They would take him to the beach with him because they knew that I couldn't get up and do it. I had a friend that would just come every day and make me a smoothie and bring it to me to make sure that I was consuming something People constantly just checking in and making sure that I was okay. I can't remember a time that I have been stuck and not had a way to get my needs met through my community. When my brother Lee died, I was broken and lost and that same support lined up. The next day I was flying out and one of my friends showed up at the front porch with a breakfast sandwich because she knew that I wouldn't eat breakfast otherwise.

Speaker 1: 11:02

Last June, when my dog Zappa died, I was helpless. After 14 years of doing everything together, I was completely devastated and crushed and I sat there on the ground beside him in one of the most difficult moments of my life. I didn't know what to do, but I knew that I had people who would, so I picked up my phone and I sent a message into the group. It was really all I could make myself do and it said help. Zappa died and I don't know what to do. I have no sense of the time of that day, but I know that it wasn't long before.

Speaker 1: 11:41

My friend, friend Janie, was sitting beside me in my yard. She brought a vase of flowers from her garden and a beautiful quilt to wrap Zappa in. She sat with me for what feels like at least a couple of hours while I petted him and cried. She made phone calls and arrangements and made sure that I was good and that I was in good hands. Before she left, my friend Amanda was there and willing to show up before Janie could even make it. There was so much support in just a moment's notice. Then my friend Melissa rescheduled her photo shoot to leave work early and to come be with me.

Speaker 1: 12:21

My dear friends Brian and Linnea were out of town, but I knew without a shadow of a doubt that they would be okay with me burying him in their yard when I arrived at. Brian and Linnea were out of town, but I knew without a shadow of a doubt that they would be okay with me burying him in their yard when I arrived at Brian and Linnea's house, their neighbors who I will always consider dear friends but had not been close to at the time who'd also showed up to help me move. They were there to greet me. Brian's brother, paul, was also there and asked me where I wanted to bury him. I told him I wanted to bury, I wanted to plant him with a tree, so wherever he thought that would be good that when I, when Linnea and Brian, got back, I could get their permission and pick a tree that I could plant on on his grave. But then Paul led me into their greenhouse and showed me this beautiful Ohiahia that he had bought Brian for his birthday and they had been waiting to plant it, waiting to find the right spot. So he and Eric, they dug Zappa's grave and they planted him with the beautiful ohia hia tree. Then they sat there with me on the ground for hours while I grieved. They knew Zappa. Anybody who's been around me knows Zappa. They shared kind words when I didn't have a breath to do that. If that's not community, I don't know what is. Then, in August, after the fires on Maui, I was in bed again with COVID but felt a strong call to be there for my community that it got me out of bed and into action.

Speaker 1: 13:51

Unfortunately, like many governments, ours is not only corrupt but often inept. There was no response to the people who were stranded without gas, electricity or food or water for five days, except from our community. The government would not even let us deliver goods, while pallets stayed in place in parking lots and our Ohana was out there suffering, scared and hungry, and no word of what was happening, no cell phone reception, nothing. So on the island we got together. The donations that came in are still mind-blowing. I know how expensive it is to live here and I know that a lot of people here do not have a lot of extra cash flow. People gave everything. They showed up. They cleaned, literally cleaned out the shelves of Costco, the grocery stores, all the stores were empty on those basic goods because everyone went and cleaned it out. Then we got helicopters, we got jet skis, we got surfboards, we got kayaks, we got anything that we could to get that. On shore People created chains, human chains to like offload these things and get it to donations, the labor, the homes offered to strangers. They just kept coming. It's been almost a year now and people are still showing up because we are a community.

Speaker 1: 15:27

Tribes existed on these lands before missionaries. Tribes are communities. Community does not belong to the church. The irony of it is that the church is often keeping you from all of the other community that is available by convincing you not to hang out with worldly people. I did that worldly in quotes, because we know how I feel about that. I have watched a wave after wave of kids grow up together here. Many of them are in high school now. I have to choose between three and five Thanksgiving invitations every year and it's hard because I want to spend my holiday with all of those people. There's a website called Mealtraincom where people actually set up food delivery to families with a new baby or with an illness or death or whatever has happened that they need support. There's a website for it. It's not a Christian website, it's just a website. It's called Mealtraincom.

Speaker 1: 16:27

If you need that, If community is what's keeping you In a place, or the fear of a loss of community is what is keeping you in a place that is not aligned with what your soul is telling you, let this be your permission slip to leave, to go out and to find your community. Yes, it may be lonely at first, but I promise that there is gold to find in that loneliness and that your people are waiting for you on the other side of it so you may be driving, and that your people are waiting for you on the other side of it, so you may be driving. If so, you can just go ahead and pause this, or you can listen through and go back to it when you get out of your car. When you have a space, whenever you get a moment, I want you to take a moment and sit with me and I'm going to lead you through just a five minute, like guided meditation, if you want to call it, or just an invitation to find your community. So, whenever you're ready, I'm going to give you a moment to do that and then we'll get started. I want you to close your eyes, put one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly and take some deep and grounding breaths, go in through the nose, out through the mouth.

Speaker 1: 18:14

Now I want you to imagine yourself, see yourself standing there and see a light within yourself. You can imagine it's a blue flame, bright white, a golden light, whatever feels good, whatever color just shows up. Just imagine a bright light in your heart that is expanding out around you. Now, when that light tries to expand, if there is anyone or anything that comes that stands in the way of that light expanding or gets covered in that light. If you feel some kind of way about that, whatever feeling you get about those people that are showing up, I just want you to take a note of it, just kind of note how that feels.

Speaker 1: 18:57

Keep expanding that light from your heart. Keep expanding it out beyond you, out into the world around you, as far as see yourself, in your home, in your neighborhood. Imagine that light expanding outside of your neighborhood, into your city side of your neighborhood, into your city. Imagine that light expanding out of your city into your state. Imagine the light expanding outside of your state and into your region of the country. You're going to see that light and it's going to expand beyond the region of your country and fill up the whole North America. That light's going to see that light and it's going to expand beyond the region of your country and fill up the whole North America. That light's going to keep expanding. It's going to start going beyond oceans and it's going to expand all over the earth. That light coming from your heart, it's covering the whole planet. Now it's going to expand beyond the planet into the infinite unknown, into the galaxy, into the universe. Just allow that light to keep expanding.

Speaker 1: 20:07

Understand that, this light that you're feeling, this light that feels so expansive, that that's yours, that it's you, that it lives within you. You now invite that light to touch everyone in its space. That is a community for you that is aligned with you, that will bring out the best in you, that will bring you to safety and feeling at home. You don't have to see those people. Just hold that intention in your energy that everyone is touching, that is meant to be a part of your community, can feel your heart calling out to them. See it Like, light them up. It's going to light them up and they're going to hear that call and come to it like a trumpet sounding and they're going to start making their way to the source of that light, to your heart, to your source.

Speaker 1: 21:09

Imagine that light is so pure and so loving that anything, anybody that comes into that light, that feels some kind of way that doesn't feel natural, that feels stuck or resistant, just bathe them in the light. We don't have to do anything with that right now. Just bathe them in the light, let them be covered in love. You can let that light linger in the world around you, but I want you to bring your energy back into your heart space. Just knowing that you've touched all of those people in your community with your heart space, that they now feel that they can find their path to you, I want you to come back into your heart space and I want you to ask your heart, speak to me.

Speaker 1: 22:02

Will you please speak to me and show me who is in my community that is aligned with my spirit and who isn't. Show me and then show me what to do with that. Just sit there and focus on that for a minute, just that invitation to your heart to guide you and let it know I'm going to listen, I'm going to tune in and listen. Make it clear where I know you're speaking to me. Let me feel it in my heart when you're speaking to me and I'm going to listen. Show me anything that is standing in the way between me and my truest community. Show me if there's anything that I need to do or know. Show me what I need to do or know to be in connection with my truest, most authentic community.

Speaker 1: 23:14

And I just want you to like open up your heart from the back of your heart, the front of your heart. Leave it open. Open for all of that receiving, open for all of those people to come in and to be in touch. Leave that space open and know that you belong to yourself and to no one else. Take a deep breath and give yourself gratitude for this moment. Give your heart gratitude for guiding you. Whenever you're ready, flutter your eyes back open. How does that feel?

Speaker 1: 23:55

See, we often get confused, especially in the church, where everything is so masculine in the doing and the forcing and the restriction. We're taught so much in the church to restrict things. But if you notice in this meditation, that's not what it's about. It's not about getting rid of anything. It's about opening up to fill your space with what is authentic and what's meant for you. And when you allow space for what is authentic and what is meant for you, it's feels, it starts to fill up space, it starts to expand within you and the things that aren't meant for you will become very apparent because of how they feel.

Speaker 1: 24:35

Because when you're with someone and they feel expansive and sparkly and you want to be with them more and you leave that conversation and you feel good, that's something to listen to. When you leave conversations regularly with someone and you feel icky and you're questioning yourself and you're going over and ruminating on that conversation and it makes you feel like you're missing something or you're feeling stuck. That is also something to listen to. Who we surround ourselves with influences it dictates what our life looks like, because there are evidence, the people that we look at are our evidence. So if you can only see this one type of community, then you're going to continue to get the evidence that that is the one type of community that's available for you. But by opening yourself up, opening your heart up to all of the possibilities, to all of the other hearts there that are looking for hearts just like yours, then you can start to receive that. You can start to receive your real community and let that be your guidance, whether that's in your church or out of your church or in whatever group or social situation that you're in.

Speaker 1: 25:49

Just listen, I'm not saying that anything is right or wrong about anything, because that is subjective to all of us. I'm just inviting you to listen, to listen to your heart, to allow that space to be clear for true community to come in and join you on this wild ride that is life. I hope that this helped. I hope that this touched a part of you. If you feel it was valuable, for you helped. I hope that this touched a part of you. If you feel it was valuable for you, feel free to share it. The outros come in with all those instructions, so I'll leave it to that, but thank you for being here. Have a wonderful day, and I love you.