Hey Raw Minds family, Joey and Eric here. Ever felt like the weight of the world was on your shoulders while navigating the seas of single fatherhood? We get it. Which is why this episode is all about the resilience and heartache that come with the territory. From the joy of our little victories to the shadows of custody battles and mental health struggles, we strip down the complexities of parenting solo. Our conversation is a lifeline, reminding you that no matter how rough the waters, you're never navigating them alone.
This journey through fatherhood isn't just about the challenges; it's about setting boundaries, self-care, and breaking cycles. We share our battles with substance abuse and the effects it has on parenting, illustrating the tough decisions we make to keep our kids safe. Navigating generational trauma, we're candid about the need to heal ourselves to secure a brighter future for our children. And through the messiness of it all, we highlight the critical importance of co-parenting with grace—because sometimes, forgiveness isn't just a gift to others, but a key to our own mental freedom.
We wrap up with the raw reality of letting go, the struggle to co-parent amidst heartache, and the influence of our childhood traumas on the relationships we hold dear. Our stories are as real as they get, addressing the pain of parental alienation, the fear when an ex-partner makes destructive choices, and the difficulty of relinquishing control. As we close, we extend heartfelt gratitude to you, our listeners, for joining us in this unfiltered expedition. Through the highs and lows, we're here to remind you to keep striving for excellence in this adventure we call life.
Hey Raw Minds family, Joey and Eric here. Ever felt like the weight of the world was on your shoulders while navigating the seas of single fatherhood? We get it. Which is why this episode is all about the resilience and heartache that come with the territory. From the joy of our little victories to the shadows of custody battles and mental health struggles, we strip down the complexities of parenting solo. Our conversation is a lifeline, reminding you that no matter how rough the waters, you're never navigating them alone.
This journey through fatherhood isn't just about the challenges; it's about setting boundaries, self-care, and breaking cycles. We share our battles with substance abuse and the effects it has on parenting, illustrating the tough decisions we make to keep our kids safe. Navigating generational trauma, we're candid about the need to heal ourselves to secure a brighter future for our children. And through the messiness of it all, we highlight the critical importance of co-parenting with grace—because sometimes, forgiveness isn't just a gift to others, but a key to our own mental freedom.
We wrap up with the raw reality of letting go, the struggle to co-parent amidst heartache, and the influence of our childhood traumas on the relationships we hold dear. Our stories are as real as they get, addressing the pain of parental alienation, the fear when an ex-partner makes destructive choices, and the difficulty of relinquishing control. As we close, we extend heartfelt gratitude to you, our listeners, for joining us in this unfiltered expedition. Through the highs and lows, we're here to remind you to keep striving for excellence in this adventure we call life.
Yeah, yeah, welcome back everybody. There's a brand new night, a brand new show. We are unedited, unfiltered and we are going wrong. My name is Joey.
Speaker 1:And I'm Eric and we're your host and welcome to Raw Minds. There it is buddy, Episode 17, man.
Speaker 2:We doing a big every week, every week, we doing it, we doing it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, man, before we get into anything, well, I think it's time to start throwing our email address out at the beginning, at the end of the episode, so people can hear it. So if you guys want to reach out or you want us to talk about some stuff, feel free to reach out us on our email at rawmindspodcastcom. I mean, even if you just need to vent, we're here, this is what we do, so reach out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like Eric said, man, we're all about helping people, talking people off that ledge, literally, if you guys are struggling in life. You know me and Eric have been through 20 years of chaos and it's been a real long battle to get to where we're at. And that's why we're sitting here tonight and every other week is to share our stories and how, the stories that we went through and the struggles that we've overcome, and to really give back to the people that have gone through or dealing with the things that we've had to deal with in our lives. It's not an easy path and it's probably one of the hardest things to deal with is grief and loss and depression and suicide or suicidal tendencies and thoughts.
Speaker 1:Not to mention, bro, we have guests come on too right that you know, express what they've gone through and hopefully other people can relate to those things. That's a big thing too.
Speaker 2:100%. You know we have guests come on, like Eric said, and the stories that people that we've had on share, or the emails that we receive every week. It's heartbreaking, yet it's. It shows that you know you're not alone. You know we're. That's why we're doing this. Definitely it's to really be there for people. The best that weekend, because a lot of the stuff that we went through in our lives and certain things nobody was there for us. Yeah, and to feel alone to deal with these things and to even be alone and have nobody makes it even harder to get through. So we are here doing what we do, letting you guys know that when you feel you don't have anybody, you do. So reach out. Rob Mines podcast at gmailcom anytime, any day. You don't even have to use your real name If you're not comfortable. If you want, we'll call you. We'll help you find resources in the towns that you live in, even when we don't live there. We'll find them. We'll help you.
Speaker 1:So that's what we do. We got the program to help us find that shit, so that's what we do. Before, though, we dive deep into this, this conversation, brother, that we're going to have, I just want to give a shout out to these motherfuckers right here Kansas City Chiefs, we won the Super Bowl yesterday, so, hell yeah, today's a good day, so any 49er fans out there Too bad. Anyways, I just wanted to shut that up. Okay, so this is one that me and you know a fair amount about. I guess you could say buddy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely Tonight is, you know, something that has been such a blessing for us and for most people, but also a serious struggle, especially as men with children, single men or single fathers I should say the good guys that want to be good dads, the good guys that just want to be there for the kids, that want to spend time with the kids, that love their kids. You know that would do anything for their kids. It's as much of us is the best thing that ever happened to me, as I am a single father of two. It has also been one of the hardest journeys I've been on, and not in the sense of being a dad, in the sense of trying to be a dad. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:100% right, it's battling to be a father. It's battling to be there as much as that I can, and I know a lot of the guys. The good guys are going through the similar struggles and situations where they just they don't understand and they just want to be there for the kids. That's it. So it's an ongoing battle for a lot of people and the saddest part is the kids get put in the middle of it most of the time, when it has nothing to do with them ever. There's nothing to do with the kids.
Speaker 1:Well, let's face it, man, I mean I'm a single father. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, but I'm doing it. You know there's no real, okay. I mean, yeah, there are people write books about this shit, but I mean there is no real playbook on what your life, what you should be doing. I mean there's guide, guides that you follow, but I mean it's fucking hard, man, it really is hard. I mean the different situations.
Speaker 1:Right, every situation is different with everybody. Every new situation is a new struggle that we have to overcome or try to push through. You know and some of the times it's the first thing that you have no idea, man. You know you have no idea what the hell to do. But as parents, you know we want the best for our child and we've got to take the best route that we can to, you know, guide them in that, in that direction of growing up to be a healthy, young, beautiful young child that does right in this world. And at the end of the day, that's all that we want for our children.
Speaker 1:So that's just a struggle in itself, man, and dealing with a mental battle back and forth in your head Am I, is this right? Am I doing this properly? Like should I be doing something else? I mean, do you ever deal with that stuff? You know, like you second guessing your situation, even know that you did something right, but like, is that right? Is that? Like, am I doing the right thing when it comes to do you ever, do you ever go through that?
Speaker 2:Oh for sure, man, I think we all do. As parents, you know, we try to make the best decisions that we can. Like you said, there's no, there's no guide, there's no playbook, and you try to make the best decisions that you can in that moment, in whatever the circumstances, and thinking that that that this is the best thing for your children, or this is the best you know option for that outcome. Or you know, and a lot of times we've made decisions and we make decisions in our hearts in the right place, but our heads in a different, and let's see if I can give an example is uh, okay, how about parents who stay together that are miserable, but they do it for the kids which they in their mind, their hearts in the right place, because they feel that if dad or mom leaves, it's really going to affect the children? Yeah, right, so that that's an example.
Speaker 2:Is your hearts in the right place. You think you're doing this. This is the best choice for your children, this is the best reason, or this is the reason why I'm doing this is for them, when, in reality, say, in that situation, we've we have touched on this a little while ago, on a different episode, I believe, but it is actually more damaging to your children. But your heart's in the right place because you think that's the right decision. Yeah, right, so we do make these decisions right?
Speaker 2:We do make these decisions thinking that this is the best, but sometimes it's not. But our hearts in the right place.
Speaker 1:Well, that's the thing though it's, it's it's about your mental or you got to go with your, your head or your heart. You know what I mean. And sometimes, when you lead with your heart, the heart is blind, man, you know, and it it fucks that shit up. You actually need to use your head and be like, okay, this situation is actually not okay for the kid and and step back and see that big picture. And a lot of times we follow with our heart, even in relationships, you know, and then you don't see the big picture what's going on. So I mean I think a big yeah, man, it's, it's a battle.
Speaker 1:You're battling yourself at the same time too. Half the time, you know it's a battle between your mind and your heart. What is the logical thing? And then, what is what is your heart saying? But I mean that's, that's something that we all, we all, I bet you struggle with at some point in time.
Speaker 2:Well, of course, you know, anyone who loves their children will struggle with that. And again, we make decisions sometimes because you putting your children first, as you should for the most part. Now, we've also talked about this before and the truth is is you need to put you first before your children, and I'm not saying that in a bad way. You know what I mean. It's Just like if you're in that relationship and you're sticking around for the children and you are just miserable and depressed, well, how does that affect your children? Because you're not taking care of you? Yeah, they feed the outside energy, they feed off your depression, they feed off your misery and your anger and your Snappiness and your sadness, all of it. Right, they, for your children, feel that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so if you're not taking a care of you first, how can you take care of your children the best that you can? You can't, just like you can't take care of your wife and your girlfriend in your relationships. Just like I say, if you don't love yourself, you can't love anybody else. It's the same with your children. You still love them, but you're not giving them what they need, because you're not giving yourself what you need, exactly you know, that means all starts first with you.
Speaker 1:Well, let me, let me, let me ask you a question then. What would you say is the biggest struggle being a single father, like in your situation, in your life? What would you say would be the biggest Struggle that you deal with? I?
Speaker 2:Think for me, because I have to, the biggest struggle, I think would go back to certain times of my life, because there was different scenarios that I've had to deal with. If you just mean a general day-to-day, now let's touch on both.
Speaker 1:How about that. Let's do both, so one back and then one day-to-day. Let's just scrape the surface on both of them.
Speaker 2:Well, okay, well, we'll start back. So if I look back because I went through hell and a lot of people are going through it and a lot of men, and this is why a big reason why the suicide rate in men is so high it's not just divorces, but the kids are taken away. They don't get to see the kids every day anymore and that's a huge one. Now they're fighting for custody and just visitation, because there is a lot of evil people out there making up stories and the good guys. I just want to be there for their children. So you know, back in my the beginnings of my children's young lives, it was I was barely hanging on mentally. I almost killed myself, literally, you know, after my son was born, my son's 13 years old, and the last time I tried to take my own life when my son was like 10 months old, and that was around the same time, I was battling in courts. I had police files against my ex. I had restraining order against my egg. It was she wouldn't withhold my son Just because she thought that other women were around, because she was that nuts and so Just having to fight. I offer to see my son Going to court, listening to the accusations and the bullshit and and the whole time I was literally like I'll give you your child support. I just wanted to see my son on these days. What's the problem? And she wouldn't have it and it was so, so Crippling Because I didn't understand it.
Speaker 2:Because I know a lot of people, single moms, who don't even care about the money. They just want the dad around. They're like we I don't, I don't, I don't care about their money. I don't want child support. I don't give a shit how much money they make. I just want them to see their father and to be a part of their lives.
Speaker 2:And then you got the other ones. Like what I had to do with is Fuck you, I don't care if you're a good dad and just want to see your son. I'm fucking mad at you and jealous ex. So I'm withholding your son just cuz, because I know it gets to you. And I offered, and still pay, child support. I'm like what the fuck is your problem? Why are you doing this? I'm not trying to fight, I'm not. I'm trying to just see my kid. Yeah, and so that is what the biggest struggle was with me back then, you know, and even at back then, and it's still as Years past. As you know and a lot of people listening is, my son's mom is now homeless on the street in the drugs and before, before we go that though, how did that mentally affect you?
Speaker 2:Well, like I said, I was Among a couple little things to add to that. At that time I, yeah, I Almost took my own life. I tried, yeah.
Speaker 1:I know. But I mean, in your head, like what did that? What was like the thought process of going through your head, like what were you, you thinking about, what was, like you know, just kept on replaying over your head. That just kind of Really got to you. Was there like one certain thing, or was it just a numerous of like a whole bunch of shit that just fucking piled on and it just overfilled?
Speaker 2:The thing that I remember back then that I played Constantly and I cried constantly was the same thing. I'm like, I don't understand. I just want to be there for my son, that's it. I just want to see my boy. I just want to see my boy and and she's not letting me and there was nothing they could do about it unless I went through the courts because I had to get to that point. So in my mind then the whole thought process was I Was just sad and because I didn't.
Speaker 2:I understand when you go through a breakup, when you have a child, that you're not gonna see them every day anymore, yeah, you know, and that that's that's normal, that's that's what happens in relationship sometimes and that that's something that you can deal with and figure out. But even on the times that you want to see them and you can't, yeah is what was the? The hardest part for me back then? Breaking down was like I just I couldn't understand someone who's I. I just couldn't even see my son, and then it would be my time, that was agreed and then I go to pick him up and Now she's busy. Now she's not there. Now I don't get him now that weekend because she changed plans and there's nothing we could do about it at the time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so the thought.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was the thought process of like it was, it took me to my knees, man, it really did see, I can definitely relate to that shit and you know a little bit of my story too.
Speaker 1:Right is where my kid's mom we didn't have anything in court yet, you know, and she ran away with my daughter for three months, like disappeared, you know, and I that's what killed me is the unknown, like we were talking about the other, the other podcast. It's the certain certainty, right, where us, as humans, were always looking for certainty you know what's the weather, like who's gonna win the Super Bowl, like we said, like all these little things, right, it's all. As humans, we always want to know what's happening in the certainty. So, not knowing where my daughter was for like three months, man, it fucking drove me insane. I was calling everything, I the cops couldn't really do anything because, like you said, it's not in the courts. So at that time I need that, I need to serve the person, person papers, and it fucking deteriorated me. It really was. I was depressed, I didn't leave my room for like fucking two weeks. I ended up taking fucking three pill bottles and fucking was in a coma for for two days, man, because of that situation and it could have been all, could have been all just Not even happen If she didn't take the kid away. But to be honest with you, man, it it was as fucked up as the sounds. Me trying to take my life and Waking up in the hospital Was probably one of the best things that happened to me, because I fucking fought hard. I went to Powell River and and Did a reset. I reset in my life, came back, fought for my daughter and now I have her in my life. As Fucked up is that sounds, it helped me. You know, it really did.
Speaker 1:But I don't, I don't, wish that upon anybody, you know, and if you're listening out there and you're thinking about keeping your kids away from your partner, don't do that shit, because not only is it affecting your partner, at the end of the day let's be serious it's the kids that matter and that's gonna affect them. You know kids, kids should be raised with mom and dad. I understand, you know there's some situations where one person is just not good, but at least if you have that one parent to help, then you know, step up and be that parent. It's just hard, man, it really is. It's it's, it's fucked up, fucked up. But you know what. You know what the for me. What Now that, like I struggle with is I Asked myself am I a good dad?
Speaker 1:Am I doing the, the the proper things? You know, and that's what I battle with on a daily in my head. I know I'm doing good things, but you know you're your biggest critic, you know us as human beings were biggest credit am I doing? Is this proper? Is, is this okay? You know, and that's it's the worry that just keeps on coming, like Is she gonna grow up to be a good girl? You know, and not some fucking menace? You know, it's just those. Those are the biggest thoughts and the biggest mental battles that I deal with right now.
Speaker 1:Because it's hard when you know, when you got two different people raising one child, but not in the same household, you know the other house values are different from what you have. So it's almost like every time I get my daughter, I have every Friday I have to retrain her, you know, and then she's back on the schedule and then Sunday goes to her mom's and it's fucked again and that's that's probably, I would have to say, my biggest, my biggest hurdle, because there's different rules at different houses. Do you feel that a little bit like when, when you get your kids, is it? Is it someone like that? I mean, I know, I know your situation is a little bit. It's. It's Easier, I would say, in the sense of, like you know, it's good Co-parenting with, with the kids, grandparents and stuff like that, right way easier. Right, you have communication with in mice. In my case there's no fucking communication. So do you kind of feel that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, actually I do a little bit, I know for the people listening. I have, like I mentioned, I have two kids, but it's with two moms, and my daughter is seven and my son is 13. And my son, who's 13 just give a brief rundown so they have an understanding is me and my son's mom were never together his entire life. We dated before he was born and now in the last four years she decided to Choose the street life with her boyfriend and is no longer around and living in a tent. So I deal with her parents, who is a really big help for my son. And then I have my daughter, who mom, who Went from dating the biggest losers on the planet to my daughter at five, four, three years old, being around police and Idiots, going in and out of jail and high-speed chases and you name it. So for the last few years, up until about a year and a half ago, it's been police ministry, police ministry, police ministry, police ministry.
Speaker 2:For two kids for two kids and I had to deal with that for quite a few years and it was the hardest Thing I've ever had to deal with. But now, as I just broke it down, we'll fast forward back to what you asked. The grandparents definitely have, you know, a little bit different rules. It's the same as you know they're. They've been a big help and they've stepped in and I got nothing but love for them. But just like you with you know, or people listening is the other parent. It's like you said, you're retraining them, or your you, if you're civil enough with your ex To be able to try to work the same schedule for the most part out, so it doesn't affect your children and Sometimes, a lot of times is. You don't get that there's because the two parents cannot even speak. It has to be through an email or through a lawyer.
Speaker 1:Well, there's that you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, or mom always lets me do this and dad always lets me do that, and it really makes it hard for the children as they get older because of structure discipline. You know to mean this yeah, are they? Are they allowed? Are they getting away with everything? Because the parents just allowing it being a pushover, or you know what I mean. So it's very difficult with co-parenting, especially like you said is is you know, come into dad's house and you're trying to do the best that you can, and then you know she goes back to moms and then it's, it's a whole new week starting all over again, and then next weekend you guys deal with it again.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so ongoing thing, man, for me ongoing, I mean you know I just my kids mom fucking Didn't pay her rent. I've been giving her money but she didn't pay her rent and then I had to move her into my house, you know, and I'm trying to show my daughter that Even though two people are not together, you know that I'm trying to set a standard really for my daughter, you know, for for men. So when she's older, you know, like that's how I want to be treated, that's how my dad treated my mom, you know, and that's that's the type of man that that I wanted my life. And it's, it's fucking hard to do that when the other parent I mean I told her no drinking in my house because she's got a drinking problem next day she's fucking hammered and she's trying to take my daughter daughter out of the house to drive.
Speaker 1:You know it's ridiculous. So it's it's oh, dealing with someone that has some sort of Substance abuse to what you know, you won't know all about. It adds an extra step on that shit, because then you're scared if you're, you're Childs in danger. Are they safe all the time? So, and I bet you that runs through your head all the time, am I not right?
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 2:You know, and that's a whole new stress on its own well, you got to be careful too, because I know, you know you're, you brought your ex in to Help her because she has your daughter.
Speaker 2:When you don't and you, you got a, you got a big heart and I understand I think this kind of goes back a little bit to what we were talking about in the beginning is Making choices for our children base with our heart being in the right place, right, but you also because she struggles with addiction problems and a bunch of other shit that we don't need to get into. But you also got to be careful is because that's gonna roll off onto you on your day-to-day inside your home, in In terms of not you doing what she's doing, but that energy, the, the negativity, the stress, yeah, right, even though you're doing what you think is best for your child is, just be careful is because when you have someone who is toxic and Plays victim her whole life and doesn't make changes and poor me, poor me, poor me, you know and that's around you constantly that's really gonna pull you down mentally as well, right. So just be careful, because that's the energy that's gonna be Coming off to your daughter.
Speaker 1:Well, that's like we talked about, though, as I set my boundaries and I set him fucking stern, you know. I mean, I told her, if she has one drink, I don't care if it's a fucking drop out of a fucking a bottle, she's out. She did, she had one drink and she's out, and I stopped that right there, and that's what we speak about. It's all about having boundaries, you know, and you got to stand those grounds and you go stand those. But I mean, it is not, it is what it is at this point.
Speaker 2:But just be careful, man, that's all. But I understand, you know I'm like I said it's. We're making choices as parents because we want our children to see the best, we want our children to feel the best and and learn the best, and All these the anything and anything positive that we can do. Like you said, there's no playbook right, and a lot of us are parenting based off of how we were raised as children 100%.
Speaker 2:Right and we pick up a lot of that, of how our parents treated us, or if our parents were even around, or, and, and some people due to their children what their parents did to them, and some people will Refuse to be like their parents. Refuse to a hundred percent of this right. Yeah, you know, like, for example, people that were abused as a child, like myself. I refuse to Pass that over. And well, I was abused as a child, so I'm gonna abuse my children. There's no fucking way in hell 100%.
Speaker 2:Right, and my mom my mom growing up Was an alcoholic, and my stepdad, but I choose not to. I have a drink here and there, but it's not important. You know that. But yeah, I didn't choose to be.
Speaker 2:You know, a heavy drinker as well, like that or now you come in alcohol you know, so yeah it depends it's, but we do take a lot of you know what we were raised as and carry it over. The generational Trauma even and a lot of parents don't even realize that too is you can pass down your, your trauma, to your children, and if you don't deal with some of your shit, your children will yeah.
Speaker 2:It is a real thing. Generational trauma is real. So when you, if you do not Fix your core issues in your life, you will pass that on to your children to deal with, yeah, just like living in the house and that miserable household or with that person and you don't want to leave, just because of the children, while you're passing that down to them, yeah, because you know your, your heart is there for the right reasons. Yeah, but it is there, but it is not the way to go because you're, you are passing on that, that Trauma, that oh, where did he go?
Speaker 1:Hey, well, what happened there? You just disappeared.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know weird, but yeah, you have to think. You got a People who realize is you need to fix that? Yeah, fix you, take, put you first Before anybody else. You have to be selfish. Selfish. Fix the core problems so that you can be the best version of yourself for your children, for your spouse, for your family, for the people you work with. Yeah, and it's not easy and that's why we're doing what we're doing, because it's not easy, because we were there and I didn't know how to reach out for 20 years. Took me 20 years to finally reach out and get to a point in my life where I was so broken that I couldn't even get out of my room for five days, yeah, till I realized I'm like I do not want to feel like this ever again. I know I don't. I need help.
Speaker 1:Well, I think it's fair to say, man, that we're both products of Shit. Childhood, I mean, my dad, used to come home. I'd be like four or five years old and you come home and slap me around all drunk and I'm gonna make you tough man up. I'm fucking four or five years old man. This guy's fucking slapped me around. He's a grown man. You know his dad.
Speaker 1:Let's face it, man, back in the old days like I'm Scottish, back in the days, they they're just mean old, old people. You know, it's the old school way. My dad used to get beat From his grandpa. His grandpa used to get beat from my great grandpa, you know. But here we are. We're breaking that fucking cycle. There's no way I'm gonna beat my daughter or or do the things that she, that my dad, did to me. You know it's all about breaking that chain and I think me and you are fucking killing that edit. So props to us.
Speaker 1:I have a little little own hype there, but I mean it's. It's true. You, you can inherit that shit from your, your parents. You know it's like monkey see monkey do to man. Like your kids are gonna pick up on that shit and then they're gonna end up doing it later down the line, or it's just gonna traumatize them. These are our kids, these are the we made these little human beings, just like our parents made us. You know I Don't get the mindset of some of these fucking parents. Man, and if you're listening, you know who the fuck you are Like. This is your kid man. You made this person. How can you just fucking hurt them or throw them away? Your treat them like that. It's your fucking blood.
Speaker 2:Or deny them of their, of their fathers yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's Mothers to all goes both ways, a hundred percent, a hundred percent, or see in I'm. But if you withhold your child From the other person both ways, yeah, yeah, because you are mad, because you're hurt, because maybe they were a, maybe they were a shitty wife or a shitty husband and they cheated yet your piece of shit for doing that. But that had nothing to do with the children. Yeah, and if you're withholding your children based on actions that they made or Choices they made in a relationship setting, what does that have to do with your children? Yeah, so if you're hurt and heartbroken or pissed off or angry that they did this, so no, I'm not giving you our son or our daughter and you just hold on to them and play with them as a pawn, you're the fucking deadbeat.
Speaker 1:You're the deputy.
Speaker 2:Even some guys that you know. I know some guys who really struggling financially and can't pay the child support because they're just trying to get back on their feet, but now that are withholding their son and daughters Because while you haven't paid me in three months so you don't get to see them. Legally you're actually not allowed to do that hundred percent you.
Speaker 2:But they do it all the time because there's no immediate action. If you can't just say, hey, my ex won't give me my son this weekend, yeah, and then the only way that's even what happened is if you had a court order where the police would have to come, which I had at one point 12 years ago, where the judge says this if you refuse to give him your son, the police will go and pick them up for him. Right, that that's the extreme, but it is that small case. But anybody that withholds their children like that, based on a financial and or Because they're mad about something in their fucking breakup, well, you're the fucking deadbeat. I'm sorry, but you are.
Speaker 2:Because, nothing to do with the children, because I know a lot of people who have been shitty, fucking husbands and wives, but amazing parents. They just suck at relationships, right, they're terrible, but parenting amazing. So, regardless of whatever you guys got going on with your ex, fucking let it go. If you're listening right now, drop it. Leave it. Who cares? Let them think they won. Let them fucking call you an idiot one, whatever. Hang up the phone, ignore. Let it go, because you are fucking those kids 100% man it is nothing to do with them.
Speaker 2:They want to see if someone says and as long as they they're not a, you know, a full out attic or there's some real danger Possibly involved with this person, and they just want to see their children fucking, let them, yeah, let them.
Speaker 1:Figure it out.
Speaker 2:You're mad. Who cares? Get over it. Get a third party to drop them off. Fucking figure it out. Do not deny your children the rights to their fathers and mothers.
Speaker 1:Yeah, man, what you know, what makes me even more sick, bro, is the parents that then talk shit To their kids about the other, the other parent, which is sickening, you know, fucking sickening, even though Me and my kids mom I mean we get along most of the part, don't get me wrong, but she's got. She's got a Lot more bad days than good days. Let's say that, right, and I'm not here bashing her, you know. I wish her the best. I hope that you know she she smartens up and and Gets her shit together for my daughter's sake. Right at the end of the day, she's my kids mom, right, so I wish her all the best, but I Mean I would never just go to my kid and fucking bad mouth her.
Speaker 1:I want my kid to know that her mom, even though you know she, she's done bad things, that that's her mom man, you know, and that at the end of the day, that's her superhero, you know. And as sick it is, it I mean, and and she was a good person for all everybody that knows, my daughter's face got mauled by a dog and had 400 stitches in her face when she was two years old, and when that happened her mom blamed herself and and kind of just went downhill and it sucks because she was great. She was great until that happened, and I can understand it because she thinks that she put herself in that situation. So now she's blaming herself for that, and I get it, I understand it. But at some point you got to be like, okay, fuck that shit, you know no more victim mentality. I gotta make what's right here and move forward. But I would never go and fucking bash and there's a lot out there that do that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's definitely a no-no, because I could hate, hate my access for what they've done. And you know, especially Like for my daughter, my daughter's mom, this de Mona, stuff I've had to deal with is I, I just I can't get into it. It's just that bad and that much, yeah. But regardless, my daughter fucking loves her mother, loves her mother. Yeah, I'm even to this day like we're getting. It took a long time to get here, but now we get along just fine. But it took years of. It was bad. Let's just say that it was really bad. And now you know my daughter loves her mother and Regardless of what her mother has done, not only to me but to her, and unintentionally, but you know, like her environments and this, and that I Would never Cut her mother down in front of her, I would never Yell at her mother in front of her because that has nothing to do with them. And, like you said, superhero loves her mother.
Speaker 2:When I have my and I have my kids every week and when she wants to call her mom, here's my phone call your mom. Yeah, you want to tell her that I bought her new shoes, for example. I bought her new shoes yesterday, took her to the mall, can't call my mom and tell yeah, of course, and it's all those little things. So when you have children with and your co-parenting, whatever it is that you're going through, fucking, drop it. Yeah, figure it out, come to a civil, at least civil. You guys don't even have to be friends. Yeah, like me and my ex now are super civil, but we don't chat like we're buddies. I don't call it hey, how's your day? You don't have to me.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean?
Speaker 2:We'll check out the kid, you make it about the child and do you know how? And I held on to anxiety and anger for so long. And once I decided, you know what, it's not worth it, because I'm just causing emotional punishment to myself because of her bad behavior, not mine. So why? Why am I holding on to this? And I just decided one day I'm gonna let it go. And instead of hating, I just said you know what? I'm stuck with her for the rest of my life, whether I like it or not. So what? Why am I gonna hold this and feel like this every day and Fuck my days up and ruin my days?
Speaker 2:And Then that spills out onto the children, like we talked about. Or I just say you know what, fine, in in my head, whatever she can think, she wins, she can think she's right, I don't give a shit. Sure, yeah, and my life, dude. I tell you, if you guys are listening and you guys do, this Change my entire life. Because now, from going from court battles and fucking police and ministry, all this shit to my life has never been this quiet and humble and peaceful in my entire life.
Speaker 2:Because I just chose to just be like you know what I'm stuck with. I'm stuck with them, so why not just try to work with them? I'm like okay, how do we do this? What's easiest on my daughter Okay, and now you know like a lot of people walk. You better fucking be here by six. On the daughter, you better pick them up on Sunday. I'm like dude, I got none of that shit. Oh, yeah, yeah because I chose to let it go, because it used to be like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah and I can't come right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, it was like you're late, that's it. Yeah, I don't see the kid, it's fucked or or fucking 30 phone calls because you said you'd be here at four and it's 420 and you're 10 minutes away and you're fucking screaming at him why, yeah, let it go, drop it.
Speaker 2:And because of that, now I can switch days and I'll even do the same, sure I'll, I'll take her an extra day. You want to go away, I don't care, and it's just you're when you change, as much hate as you could have for this person for what they've done, when they always say forgiveness is not for them, it's for you, 100%.
Speaker 1:It is, it is for you.
Speaker 2:You're doing it for you. Let them freak out. Let them fucking do whatever they do in their life, because you're not together anymore for one Right. So who cares? They're going to do what they're going to do, and that's another thing.
Speaker 2:As I held on is because all these mistakes that she was making before, I was trying to make up for that on my end and overworking myself. And you know, going back to what you asked, you know, earlier tonight is the struggles that I have now. Is, I think, because of that, my struggles now? Is it ever going to be good enough for my kids? Because I pushed myself and overworked myself because of all that shit in the past and I feel like I'm still doing it. And even now that my life is better than it's ever been, I still look in the mirror sometimes feeling like I'm doing nothing Because it's just because I. It's like I slow down for a couple of days and like, oh well, is my kids? Am I doing the right thing for my kids? Are they going to be proud of me? I got to keep going. I got to keep going because of the past traumas.
Speaker 1:Right? Well, let me ask you this Did you ever hold grudges? Did you hold grudges for a while before you like? Claim to this clarity, like, let's face it, don't let people live rent free in your head? You know, we say this many times and it's true, but before that, did you ever like hold a grudge?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was a part of the forgiving and it's not for them, it's for you, it's it's 100%.
Speaker 2:It's pretty much the same thing is is you just hold this and me in my life? In my entire life as a person, I found it hard to hold grudges with people and I tried, because there's a lot of shit that's happened to me where I should hate them for the rest of your life. Most people would, but I was not able to really hold a grudge for that long. I think I can only think of like two people in my life that I probably still could, but I held on to that one. You know, we can't really for some of the things that happened, I really held on to that, but it wasn't even a grudge of anger like a lot, and that's what normally grudges is because you're so angry, you're holding on to that and you're holding on to that, but mine was a grudge of sadness and disappointment and disappointment.
Speaker 1:I've been there, I felt that I know that.
Speaker 2:You know, when you see somebody especially, you know, for example, she was an amazing mother at one point and then started dating her own people and then completely fell off for a long time where her own family didn't even want to talk to her and we got that bad and me and she started doing all these nasty things to me and everything else, blah, blah, blah. As I couldn't even hold a resentment of anger, I'm like, because I knew what kind of person she was and what she just she did to herself. Yeah, so it was a man. What is doing to my daughter Because it goes back again is when we talk about fixing you first and your kids feel that, while her mom buried herself literally with the just toxic shit which then you know. So I held a grudge of sadness and anxiety rather than anger, because I seen you and look what you're doing, look what's happening around our daughter, look what happened to you, why did you make these choices?
Speaker 1:And then I really held on to that in that sense, in a different way even though we feel that, though Did you feel that, though, let a little bit on a moscow D or whatever to her, because she was affecting your daughter as well, though, and so there was a lot of animosity of yeah is of the hate.
Speaker 2:It was weird. It wasn't an anger, it was a sadness and a hate Like how the fuck can you do this to our daughter? How the fuck can you be throwing your life away like that, like you're such a smart girl, what the fuck are you thinking?
Speaker 1:Yeah, Stupid Because really.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, and even though we're not together, I still care, because that's my child's mom. If I'm not there, I need the person that's with my children and the mother on my side obviously to be the best version that they can, or at least try to me, definitely, definitely, and that's what we all hope for, right? Yeah, but then you're dating fucking losers and doing drugs and fucking all this shit.
Speaker 1:Tell me about it.
Speaker 2:It makes it so hard to get through your own day to day, knowing that I didn't have control over half of that and it's not that I wanted to control, as I shouldn't have to, but dealing with that, like I said, police ministry, police ministry, police and I had to deal with that back to back for fucking two years, three years.
Speaker 1:And then you're banging your head off the fucking wall Like when is this going to change? When is that person going to smarten up? You know, like, when is enough is enough? When is rock bottom? Like, you know, like that's what I go through all the time. You know it's like when is this person? Like how many times you got to hit the fucking ground in order to like finally wake up? But you know what.
Speaker 1:You know what I would have to say, though definitely actually like coming back to like hard things, that dealing with as a single father, I think my number one thing is coming home and my kid not being there. Like when I used to come home from work, every time my kid would run across the house Like she knew what time I was coming home. She was like she was waiting and soon as I opened the door, she would run up and give me a big hug and kiss. That would probably one of the toughest things for me, actually. And when I would drive my daughter to her mom's house on Sundays and she would be crying, man crying, not wanting to go to her mom. She wants to hang out with me, and she'd be this one.
Speaker 1:She sat in the back in the car seat and I would hold her hand and I'd be crying Because I have to hand over my daughter and I'm not going to see her until next Friday and that would kill me, man, kill me. You know this precious little child crying, you know, tears balling, not wanting to go because they want to see you. You know, like her mom had, she would be hugging her, like, holding her, and her mom would have to peel her off of me to bring her back inside the house because she wouldn't want to leave. I would probably have to say that was that's one of my toughest things, you know, and that's like what you just said is like, you know, letting them go and not having any control over that person's household and praying and hoping to God that everything is safe there, that to me is probably one of the hardest things.
Speaker 2:And knowing that you have no say on who they date. And it's not a control thing because you're jealous, it's you just want the best people possible around your children but you cannot or you don't have a fucking say at all on who comes around your children on that side when they leave your house.
Speaker 1:Well, and on that note too, you can't so like other people out there. You can't, it's, you're not allowed. That's their life and what happens with their life. You can't control that. You know you can't or you can't bring my daughter around this person. I mean, at the end of the day, you can't control that because you're not there and, let's face it, it's none of your fucking business unless something dangerous or your daughter's or son is in danger. Then it becomes an issue which is fucked, which is fucked, like when I had to deal with the cops, with the ministry and the cops, and they said she's not bringing the law right now, so there's nothing they can do. So you have to wait till my daughter either gets hurt or is dead in order for you guys to do something. It's, it's, it's, but it's fucked. Man, you know, I don't know.
Speaker 2:Well that's like he said is is that's another thing is people are withholding their children, especially from their dads, is because they're trying to control who they think is going to be around in the situation when they're not there Exactly. And you can't do that ever because there's nothing you can do. Just I don't. You're just seeing some new girls, so I don't trust, I don't know her, she's not going to be around my kid Well, it's not up to you. To be honest, it is your kid, but you guys aren't together anymore. So if that other person decides they're going to bring the child around them, whether you like them or not, they're going to do it. Yeah, but withholding your child from seeing the dad or the mom, maybe because of that, that makes you a fucking deadbeat. Yeah, you can't control, you have, and that's another thing you need to let it go.
Speaker 1:Unless they're indeed, don't give me wrong.
Speaker 2:Less there's. Obviously there's different scenarios, but I mean, if there's reason to believe that there is some, but even still, even if you believe that there is, you still can't do anything about it. I know Until something happens, or you have it on video or whatever, or they get hurt, but even still you can't.
Speaker 2:So people need to also learn to let go of that control, because you can't. You can't control what they're going to do, because I had to deal with it for years of my kids, my men, and it fucking killed me, but at the same time, at the end of the day, there was nothing I could do about it. If she's going to date that person, whether you hate them or not or like them or not, then that's that's it. All you can do now is go down the road of going to court, but for it's so. People need to just let things go and stop trying to control every time, because you're not with that person anymore and you probably the one that left them.
Speaker 2:So now you got to deal with co parenting and trying to figure it out. But people use these children as pawns in their, their emotional games. To get that, push their buttons and knowing that that's what'll hurt them. So I'm just not going to let him see his son this weekend. Well, fuck you, because that makes you a piece of shit and all you're doing is not thinking about those children. And you're not, and you realize, or you should realize, the damage you're causing those children because as you keep doing this to these children, they're going to think that daddy's not coming around because he doesn't love us. And guess what that? Guess what that creates abandonment issues.
Speaker 1:Fucking rights.
Speaker 2:And you know what else I childhood traumas when they're older, when daddy was just trying to be there but mom wouldn't let him see him Because daddy didn't pay for two months. Or I don't like daddy's new girlfriend. Or, in your case, just up and decided to move because you felt like fucking moving and you didn't get to see your children for three months.
Speaker 1:It wasn't even about moving. She just disappeared because she, she was fucked. She just wanted to hurt me, you know, that's what it was yeah, she just wanted to hurt me.
Speaker 1:It wasn't even about like anything with the kids, she just wanted to up and move and disappeared. I couldn't get a hold of her. It was fucking scary man, it was fucking scary dude. And that's what made me fucking take those pills, man, when this couldn't have, it didn't need to happen, it didn't need to fucking happen. Well, on that note, I just want to say thank you for everybody coming out and listening. So, yeah, be good or be good at it. Bye.