Welcome to the final episode of our poignant mini-series on grief and acceptance on Raw Minds. In episode 29, titled "Acceptance Exposed: Men's Mental Health and the 5 Stages of Grief," we traverse the last stage of our emotional journey with your compassionate hosts, Erick and Joey, leading the way.
Erick courageously delves into the profound process of accepting the heartbreaking loss of his fiancé, sharing the intimate details of his personal struggle and the profound impact it had on his mental health. Through his candid and introspective narrative, Erick illuminates the transformative power of acceptance, revealing the ways in which facing grief head-on can be a transformative step towards healing. He shares the coping strategies and mindset shifts that helped him navigate the turbulent waters of grief with grace and resilience.
Meanwhile, Joey offers his unique perspective on acceptance, drawing from his own experiences of loss and heartache. With vulnerability and wisdom, Joey delves into his understanding of acceptance as a powerful tool for personal growth, resilience, and emotional well-being. His insights shed light on the profound impact of acceptance in navigating life's inevitable challenges and finding peace amidst the storm.
Join Erick and Joey on this final installment of our mini-series as they share their heartfelt reflections on acceptance and its pivotal role in the healing journey. Together, they invite listeners to embrace vulnerability, seek understanding, and find solace in the transformative power of acceptance.
Tune in now to Raw Minds Ep 29 and be part of this transformative conversation on men's mental health, grief, and the profound journey to acceptance and healing. Thank you for joining us on this emotional odyssey, and may these conversations continue to inspire and uplift those in need.
Welcome to the final episode of our poignant mini-series on grief and acceptance on Raw Minds. In episode 29, titled "Acceptance Exposed: Men's Mental Health and the 5 Stages of Grief," we traverse the last stage of our emotional journey with your compassionate hosts, Erick and Joey, leading the way.
Erick courageously delves into the profound process of accepting the heartbreaking loss of his fiancé, sharing the intimate details of his personal struggle and the profound impact it had on his mental health. Through his candid and introspective narrative, Erick illuminates the transformative power of acceptance, revealing the ways in which facing grief head-on can be a transformative step towards healing. He shares the coping strategies and mindset shifts that helped him navigate the turbulent waters of grief with grace and resilience.
Meanwhile, Joey offers his unique perspective on acceptance, drawing from his own experiences of loss and heartache. With vulnerability and wisdom, Joey delves into his understanding of acceptance as a powerful tool for personal growth, resilience, and emotional well-being. His insights shed light on the profound impact of acceptance in navigating life's inevitable challenges and finding peace amidst the storm.
Join Erick and Joey on this final installment of our mini-series as they share their heartfelt reflections on acceptance and its pivotal role in the healing journey. Together, they invite listeners to embrace vulnerability, seek understanding, and find solace in the transformative power of acceptance.
Tune in now to Raw Minds Ep 29 and be part of this transformative conversation on men's mental health, grief, and the profound journey to acceptance and healing. Thank you for joining us on this emotional odyssey, and may these conversations continue to inspire and uplift those in need.
yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome back everybody to the show where we shatter the silence on men's mental health. We are unedited, unfil and, as always, we are going raw. My name is Joey.
Speaker 1:And I'm Eric and we're your hosts. And welcome to Raw Minds. It is man. Last episode of our installment here.
Speaker 2:Episode five of the miniseries. It is coming to a close. We are hitting up the fifth stage of grief Yep Acceptance and that's probably one of the hardest ones.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Million percent Going through. Whatever it is that you guys are going through, or things that we've gone through, man, it's the hardest part in all of it is acceptance. Yeah, as a relationship and the person that you love, you have to accept the fact that they're not coming back, that you guys will never be a couple again. If it's a loss of a loved one especially, nobody wants to accept the fact that they'll never see them again. Yeah, it's true, man, you know it's. The true struggle is the acceptance. Yeah, and a lot of us you know a lot of people, I should say they never can accept it.
Speaker 1:But when you choose not to accept it, that's where you're unable to move forward in your life and allow new things to come in. I agree.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's the same as letting go, it's learning to let go, it's learning to accept. It's like you block the universe from allowing these new things to come into your life, the new people, because you're holding on to that past and not being able to let that go and not being able to accept what it is that's happened and even if it was traumatic things even as a child, it wasn't your fault you still have to accept that it happened and in order to heal and to move forward from that yeah, so it's. It's definitely. You know, the one of the hardest things is is the acceptance and learning to let go of whatever it is that's happened to you or, you know, the relationship that failed or the person that you love the most passed away.
Speaker 2:You have to or a loss of a job yeah, or even that, and you know we're all guilty of it, right? You know well, my boss was an asshole and she did this and he did that and you just can't let it go. But then you sit with this anger and this hurt and really you end up just messing up your own life going forward and your own day to day, because if it was something that happened to you that wasn't your fault and someone you know, your friend, stabbed you in the back or your wife cheated on you, I mean, clearly they don't give a shit about you. So why are you holding onto that? Why are you affecting the rest of your life? Because they clearly don't give a shit about you. You know you're letting them live rent free in your head, right, which is now affecting the rest of your day-to-day and how you act.
Speaker 2:But it's a tough one, man. It's just, especially with big traumatic events or, you know, especially like in your case, you know you lost your fiance. Like you don't want to accept the fact that you'll never see her again. Yeah, and that's a tough pill. It's a tough pill to swallow man like I can't imagine, just like you know I lost my nephew and and things like that you know, nobody wants to accept that, especially children, losing children.
Speaker 1:Like you know, the hardest part is, man is like I get all these like from google and all these memories you know, and they keep on popping up of pictures of me and her or things that we did. Right, that's, that's hard going through that. At the same time it's nice seeing it, but you know, at the same time too, it's it's difficult to right, so it's, it's, it doesn't matter. You know, if you've accepted, accepted it though after, like, it can hit you still again, right, like it, it still will come in waves, or I mean a smell. Or if you go to a place you know and it it reminds you because you and your partner or friend or whoever your dog went there before, you know it'll pop up again. But it's just being about being aware. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Yeah, or a song on the radio or brings you back to memories. You know and and that's and that's normal. But I think a part of you know the healing process you know, like we always talk about, is you know, whatever it is that's happening and the pain and struggles that you're dealing with is you have to be able to talk about it, you have to be able to find those resources to deal with that, so that way, when these things do come up, it is not a trigger that upsets you or brings you down, but it actually makes you smile because now you're thinking of them at a happy time or the relationship when it was really good. You know.
Speaker 1:It's okay, though, to feel, like you know, sad in those moments too, at the same time, because obviously you know something tragic or tragic or sad happen. You know it's okay to feel that, but at the same time, don't don't let it take over you, you know, just keep on pushing forward have your moments, for sure you're.
Speaker 2:You're human, you're going to. Yeah, if you love somebody and they're not around anymore, you know you're last related, whatever it is. That's normal, you know. But you can't allow that to affect the rest of your life. For the rest of your life, exactly, you have to be able to let go and's, it's not the same anymore. They're not here anymore. That relationship is over, yeah, and, and that's a part of life, whether we like it or not. You know, death comes to us all, and sometimes sooner than others, and it's truly sad, yeah, but that's life. Yeah, definitely. You know, if you're waking up, still, you're still here. You have responsibilities. You still got to go to work. You have kids. You got to take care of those kids. You got family that care about you. They need you around.
Speaker 1:It's true, man, you can't Responsibilities.
Speaker 2:Oh for sure, Believe me, I sympathize with 1 million percent, because you know the amount of shit that we've been through. It's definitely really hard to let go of certain things. So I get it, I understand it. Once you learn to start to let go and accept what has happened, your life will start to open up new doors for you and you'll be able to smile again and you'll be able to meet new people you never thought you would meet, because that's who you're bringing in now. Because if you stay and hold on to that and that hurt and that pain, your mind stays cloudy, right, there's no clarity. You're, you're not present every day, like we've talked a lot about, about a lot about that, because that's what everybody wants. Is this clarity to be in the moment, to focus on what's in front of you, to enjoy your time with your family and your friends and not be struggling internally because you can't let something go and let it weigh on you every day.
Speaker 1:It's a lot of discipline, is what you got to. You got to focus right. You got to. You know, train your mind.
Speaker 2:In a sense, I guess you could say Right, and and it's one of the hardest things you can do especially for traumatic events that change the course of your life or really really hurt you or or took you down yeah, but it's only up to you to get back up, because nobody's coming to save you, Right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, at the end of the day, you only have yourself, and that's who you should really only count on.
Speaker 2:It's a 90% reaction to whatever happens in your life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, I do have to say, though um, it's okay, you know, to accept. A lot of people, too, may feel that, you know, like accepting them is, you know, a bad thing in a sense, you know, but it's actually, it's okay to accept. It doesn't mean that you're accepting that, like you know, their death was okay and everything. No, you're just accepting the fact that that person is gone and, as shitty as it is, you're never going to see them again, because it's forever and forever is forever. It's accepting that you're okay with moving on now and starting a new chapter in your life or or whatever may be that the next thing that's going to happen to you, you know.
Speaker 1:It's also accepting all that, accepting that you're going to wake up in the morning without this person. You know it's, it's a it's, it's a huge, it's a huge thing. It's like. I mean, like for me, for instance, with my girl, the hardest part was going to sleep and waking up, and I had to accept that I'm going to do that alone, without her. It's the little things, too, that you've got to really open up to and accept. All of that, not just you know the passing of someone, but accepting that your life is different now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, or that you're no longer with that person and the house that you built with that person is no longer your house and they're no longer your wife or your husband. Yeah, like it's a whole new direction and it's extremely difficult. You know you've created a life with someone or and then all of a sudden in your case they're gone overnight. Or you were married for 10 years and bought a house and this and trips, and now that's over and you gotta start again yeah, like a lot with like losing someone, especially with someone that you're with.
Speaker 1:You know you're also grieving your, your future that you've like built up in your head. You know, like every all these plans that you've like built up in your head, you know like every, all these plans that you've you had, you know now are done, they're gone. With that person that you plan with this, or the life or the kids that you talked about, you know so you're not only just mourning that person, but you're mourning the future that you thought. As human beings, we we, you know think ahead. Like I said before, we, we want certainty, right, so we're always thinking ahead, making sure everything's perfect. You know so, at that time too, you're you're you're grieving that as well. You know you're grieving the future that you once could have had.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's where the heartbreak comes in and the pain. Like you said, it's Not you're grieving the fact that your expectations are broken, the expectations that you had in that relationship. That's what Breaks you. You know, like we said, your heart can't be broken, but your Expectations are. The is what's broken, you know, and yeah, and that's you know. Yeah, and that's where you know people really fall off and start using the temporary band-aids and self-medicating, because it is one of the worst feelings ever is loss and heartbreak. You know those two right there are the top, probably worst feelings that you could ever go through.
Speaker 1:Buddy, you can die from it, man. You can die from it. This is a true story. This is straight. My grandpa passed away from lung cancer. The guy never smoked a cigarette in his life Passed away from lung cancer A week later. About a week later, my grandma passed away from a broken heart True story. That's what the doctor said. She died from a broken heart. She just gave up. You know, your body just starts shutting down. I mean, they were, I think, high school sweethearts, you know, since high school into the 80s, and she lost her person. Man. So you know, she just literally died from a broken heart.
Speaker 1:I've had my heart broken from an ex-girlfriend, so bad that I was puking. You know, like I was puking my guts out because of how it affected me inside. It's crazy. It's crazy, man, you know. So that's where they say you know, died from a broken heart or whatever it is Like it is. It's like you can. It happened a broken heart or whatever it is Like it is. It's like you can't. It happened to my grandma and many other people out there.
Speaker 2:It's tough. Yeah, it's, yeah, I remember. You know, like when you deal with heartbreak, man like you are just not the same, Like when you're it feels like when you're driving your car you're wasted, like you're hammered, like you're not there. I'm not even focusing on the lights. I'm driving through and I'm shaking. I'm nauseous. I'm not eating, I'm. I'm smoking two packs of cigarettes a day without eating. You know it's.
Speaker 1:And that's on autopilot. You're not even noticing that you're smoking. You're just fucking. You know what I mean? It's just you're lost in that shit. It's fucking. It's hard, man. It's a really, really shitty feeling, but at the end of the day, that's what makes us grow stronger. You take that pain and you turn it around and you use it to fuel the fire in you to become whatever it is you need to be.
Speaker 2:Yeah you let the pain drive you, not destroy you, yeah, but I'll tell you, you know, as horrible as heartbreak is, it is probably one of the best things to ever happen to you, because that's where you truly find yourself, in that pain, and it's especially coming from a man on the man's side.
Speaker 2:Man, I've never been so driven in my entire life while going through pain and heartbreak like that. And as shitty as that feeling is and it lasts a long time, it's terrible and you want it to go away and the first thing you wake up, that's all you think about and the last thing you think about and pretty much 99 of your day, even though you want that to go away, that is the biggest fuel, like you said, to fuel that fire. And in that heartbreak comes your biggest blessings. Because when I look back on my last heartbreak man, man, I was never been. I've always been a hard worker and driven in general, but man, this I was to the extreme. I flipped it. And man fitness diet, you name it working on my finances, man, like that fuel that that gave me was. I wish I could have that right now, like I'm driven, but just that feeling of pushing you to be even better, 24 seven is is out of this world man.
Speaker 1:It's the fuck you. I'm going to show you fuel million percent it is. You know what I mean?
Speaker 2:That's yeah, you don't, and especially as a guy or if you're going through a heartbreak, man, if, if you're not the guy that she wants, become the man she can't have.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly that's how I met Jules man. You know I was at the best point of my life. I was hitting the gym, eating fucking super healthy. You know I was waking up at 4.30 in the morning working out, meditating, journaling, having breakfast, have a shower, go to work. You know I was killing it and I brought in someone special. You know, you're in that great mind frame, you know, like they say, show me your friends. You're in that great mind frame, you know, you, you like. It's like they say, show me your friends, I'll tell you who you are, right it's like. Or or what you're doing to yourself, right, it's all about leveling up and being being better in self-love. Discipline is probably the number one self-love thing you can do for yourself, because if you want something so bad and you can have it, but you know it's bad for you, you know to stop yourself.
Speaker 2:That's true discipline and that's self-love you know, and, like you said, when you, uh, when you were doing that four, 30 in the morning and all that, then you met your you know your ex fiance. Well, why do you think you met her? And that kind of person is because you are already leveling up in your life. You were, you were elevated, motivated, you were feeling good about yourself. So that's what, that's what you attracted. And most people don't see that you don't attract what you want, you attract who you are. One million percent, yeah Right. And when you take care of yourself first and you elevate, you level up in your life, you work hard, you fucking, you hit the gym, you're feeling good about, like you say, you're taking the shower every morning, you're meditating, whatever it is that you enjoy doing, and you're feeling good about yourself. Man, that's the people you're going to bring into your life.
Speaker 2:But if you're holding on to all your past traumas and all your past heartbreaks and you don't learn to accept just like in this fifth stage, acceptance of whatever it is that's happened to you and you don't learn to let that go well, now you're holding on to that hurt and you're not fixing your past traumas, your past issues and your core problems. So what kind of person are you going to attract now into your life? Is somebody else that's messed up, that hasn't fixed their issues? One million percent, that's just how it's. This is how it is. So when you look at your past relationships and I look at mine why they failed? Well, everyone's very easy to point the finger like, well, they cheated in this, they did this and they did that. Well, yeah, but what did you do? And the reason that they cheat is because that was the kind of person that they were, because they were dealing with their own shit.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's what you attracted, whether their own shit, yep, and that's what you attracted, whether you're the cheater or not, because there was shit you didn't deal with. There was, there was red flags in the beginning that you ignored to let it get to that point. So in reality, it is your fault. It's true, man, because I guarantee, when you look at your past relationships and one, and even though you didn't cheat and they cheated on you or they were abusive, yeah, that was them being a piece of shit. But if you look at the beginning of that relationship, how many friends warned you or how many red flags did you see where you didn't really listen to your gut and you tried to find the good in them, and then you, just you stayed with them and then it went out longer and longer.
Speaker 1:Then look what happened and then you're, you're sad because you know, you're like, oh, what happened? But at the end of the day, you, if you saw, you know, open your eyes, you'd see.
Speaker 2:But if you elevated in your life and got to a point where you learn to love yourself, you were doing the things that you enjoy. You are happy. Even if someone like that comes into your life or tries to. When you're like that, you will bounce them in two seconds when you see those red flags, because you've already raised your own self-worth, your own self-love, your own self-esteem. So when that comes around, you're like I didn't put all that shit, you're done not, oh, I don't know. Because when you have low self-esteem and low self-worth, you let shit slide you're and you ignore those red flags because you're low, or you make excuses or make excuses.
Speaker 2:this is a nice guy and she was this Fuck, and that's why then it goes. And then three months later, you wonder why the guy cheated on you or punched you out, or she slept with your friend. Because you ignored all the clear signs right off the bat, because you didn't truly love yourself, you didn't have self-confidence enough to be like you know, tell them there's the door. No, I ain't putting up with that shit.
Speaker 1:and that's why we let ourselves get to these points in relationships is because we don't truly love ourself well, I think man honestly know, like when someone breaks up with you, I think you really got to treat it like that person is dead. You really do, you got to treat it. You know, have a fucking funeral, burn their stuff, I don't care, whatever, but I mean treat it as like they're dead, they're gone, you know they're never coming back. You got to treat it like that man. You know, because you you go through those stages of grief in relationships when you break up. You do go through that. You know all of those anger, denial, bargaining, you know depression it's the same thing just on a different kind of scale. So at the end of like that relationship, you need, you need to mourn it like a death and the worst thing you can do is look at the social media.
Speaker 2:Ask what they're doing. Who are they hanging out with? Why do you torture yourself like that? Why? What is that going to do?
Speaker 1:Whatever Driving by their house.
Speaker 2:When you're heartbroken man, you do some fucked up shit.
Speaker 2:Because you're fucked up, you don't know you become someone you never thought you would. You lash out, you act out, you smash walls, you drink, you fuck Because it's excruciating that pain. It's horrible, I understand it. But why torture yourself even more by looking at pictures, asking about them this and that? Like man, you've got to stop and move on from there and start today. Like you have to start your healing process. The day they said they don't want to be with you, or the day they did what they did that ended that relationship and you know you can't come back from. And the reason why people go back to the ones that cheated and because they don't have any fucking self-esteem and confidence. Oh, but I love them and and they said sorry, like dude, they don't fucking love you misery loves.
Speaker 2:They don't otherwise they wouldn't have done that shit. They don't love you. It's just misery. But if you get to a level in your life where you build that self-confidence, that self-esteem, dude, you will not ever take that back and you would ignore the or not ignored the red flags. In the beginning of that relationship period you're like, fuck this, I ain't even going there, right, but it's about working on yourself yeah well, you yeah, well, I just went through that not too long ago.
Speaker 1:You know that. And you're gonna say smarten up, asshole, smarten up. I didn't smarten up, but then after I realized and I cut that shit.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean you you don't any anybody listening in yourself, man you, you're grown adults, you're going to make your own choices. It is not my place to say only what I see. I only call common and what I see and what other. You know what I mean and as a friend, I'm not going to be like well, well, no, no, that's your call, that's everybody else's call on who they choose to date and the lessons they're going to learn. Or some don't even learn the lessons, but that makes sense.
Speaker 1:But it made totally sense because I'm not fully prepared or anywhere close to doing that. You know, seeing someone like that it's just I can't even pick up like do the whole 4 am thing again. You know, I'm slowly trying to build and it's going to take time. I'm still mentally like dealing with a bit of depression, you know that's why I see a counselor. It's hard but I mean I'm moving forward and that's all that matters. Might take me a year, maybe two, there's no real time frame. But as long as you're putting in the work and you're pushing forward, that's all that matters. And I'll get back there definitely at one point when I'm more full of myself or feel better. But at this point in time I'm more full of myself, you know, or feel like better, but at this point in time I'm still healing. You know I think I'm finally going through more grieving stages.
Speaker 1:You know I was talking to the counselor after our last um was it bargaining? And it kind of woke me up a little bit. You know our talking about this whole, the five stages, and there is like some stuff that's still, you know, I wouldn't say holding me back, but stuff I have to deal with internally, definitely through this whole process, because you know what happened to me. I never really had a chance to fully grieve at the beginning of her passing. I was getting hit left and right and all this and people were coming at me. It was hard, man. But now that the dust is kind of settling, I think it's like a lot of things are I wouldn't say hitting me, but bringing to my attention more that I need to work on and fix. I think definitely, like we said, like another big part of that is self-awareness right.
Speaker 2:Most people know that they got issues, but they're not self-aware enough that they need to make that change. Instead, they mask it, they cover it up, they go to work all the time.
Speaker 1:It was from our last episode there, 28,. That after, and then talking to my counselor, kind of shine some light on some stuff, definitely for the reasons, some of the things that I do or think about going through. So thank you Kind of helped me open that up a little bit there too, man. So I mean, and like I said, like the grieving process, like it just doesn't stop right, it's going to take some time, definitely it's hard. I mean, Jules was my person man. I woke up every day, went to sleep every day.
Speaker 1:So it's hard to just definitely get over something like that. Do I miss her every day? Of it's hard to just definitely get over over something like that. Do I? Do I miss her every day? Of course I do, but I do accept that she's gone Definitely. I have accepted that she's gone. I know death, you know. I, to be honest with you, I think I accepted it before. I would even say bargaining or I would say it came just after denial, definitely. But maybe I'm just built a little bit different because I've lost, got over 40 friends and family in my life, right. So I understand death, which is kind of messed up Because you shouldn't really understand it, but I'm used to it, I guess I don't know so.
Speaker 2:But you know, for you I think you know it's hand in hand right do you accept the acceptance and letting go? And I think there is a small distinction to that. You know, and I think for you to move forward in your healing of the loss of your fiance is is is to let go. You've accepted the death, but now you've got to learn to let it go yeah, well, you know what?
Speaker 1:I think a big part of it was the family and everything, because they kept on. I mean, they're asking her mom gave me some tools like a year and a half ago. She's like, oh, here, have these, and then she asked for them back, you know. So it's these little things that like I'm trying to move on, but I just feel like there's like little jabs I'm getting and it's like I just can't escape, just when I think like I got my car back right from probate and everything, and then just when I think I'm like, you know, wash my hands away from from that and trying to move on within my next chapter. I mean, I love her mom, I'll keep her mom, nothing about that, but it's just these little things that like keep on pulling me back.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:It's not giving me my chance to just separate, because you know there's a lot of uh, animosity, a lot of hot animosity, is that how you say it? Animosity, animosity, definitely. Well, I just say I mean she passed away at her mom's house and then I get blamed for it. I'm at home with my daughter and her best friend and then I have the whole family come at me. I have her friends coming at me. Four days later, if she dies, they come in and take everything out of her house.
Speaker 1:The day after she passed away, they told me I had two months to move out of her house. I mean, it's, I had no time to grieve. You know it was hard. Man, like you saw me, I just would sit there, I don't even. I didn't even speak. Man, like I just I had no time, I don't, I had to, like, put that shit on hold and figure out my life. Where am I going to live? What am I going to live? What am I going to do, you know? So that's why I'm saying I think like this my counselor said it's all kind of catching up right now.
Speaker 1:You know, it's finally taking a breath, stepping back and actually getting to feel more of the emotions that I missed. I, I guess you say, on the way it was, just I don't know, it was crazy man, you know. I mean death does crazy things, you know, to people. I love her mom. Her mom will always be my mother, you know, and grandma to my daughter. She's been great to her, you know, but it's just the people around her just would put these fucking things in her head, man, and it just ruined my grieving process.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know when you're hit with other things in life and a lot of people are, you know, and overnight're hit with other things in life and a lot of people are, you know, and the overnight their whole life changes and now they got to restart, now they got to rebuild. How do you move on from from this? How do I move forward from this? Yeah, I own a, I own a house with my wife, and now we're getting a divorce and now I don't have a house.
Speaker 2:I you know, I was just with my mom yesterday and she passed away this morning in a car accident, and now you know what I mean and things like this, the really scary things and the reality of life and these things that happen, you know, and it's extremely difficult.
Speaker 2:But when these things do happen, you know, like we always say, it's okay to not be okay, but it's not okay to stay in it, and staying in it is a clear indication of not accepting it, not letting go. Still in denial, still in depression, you know, but it's only up to you and you only that to to move forward from that and which direction that you're going to take now, going forward and it's the hardest thing to do is when you deal with these things, especially traumatic events and heartbreak and loss. You know it's extremely difficult because it changes you as a person. You're not the same anymore. You will forever hold on to that. If you love that person and they're gone relationship or death, you'll always have love for them.
Speaker 2:But you have to accept that they're gone. You have to accept that we're no longer married, we're no longer together. They're no longer coming to any of my Christmas dinners or birthdays. They're not coming to my kids' birthdays because they're gone, they've passed away or they're no longer stepmom or stepdad. And it's one of the hardest things ever, you know. And that's where our expectations are broken. You know, not our heart. It's our expectations, because we not only did we have a history, but you had plans for the future, and now that future is not the same anymore.
Speaker 1:Well, even if there's kids involved too, man Like my daughter, you know Jules was a great stepmother to my daughter. She was a fucking better mother than her own mother, man, you know what I mean. Like she was amazing man, you know, and like my daughter getting a taste of that and then gone. You know, I mean my daughter dealt with it like a champ. I have to like I didn't even know how I was going to tell her man and she a champ strong, you know, I have to give her, give her props for that. Like obviously she showed emotion, but you know she, she was more there for me than then, you know, I was careful to those.
Speaker 2:You know she dealt with it really well for when she passed. But a lot of things, you know, don't affect the children until they're older. Because of this, you know, and that creates abandonment issues and yeah, and whatever else it may be that children have had to deal with. I mean, look what I had to deal with, man. I like I was physically and sexually abused when I was a kid, you know, and things like that. And sure, as a kid you can shake a lot of things off, as they do. But as you get older and you realize that you are the way you are or do the things that you do, and once you start seeing a professional about it, why do I keep doing this? Like, well, that's because of that, when you were five years old, and that stems from that, when you were five or when you were six or when you were 10 and you're, you know, whatever it is that was traumatic in your life, that was done to you as a child. Your parents are never there. That's abandonment issues, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, luckily though, she went into what's called play counseling, where they like color and do these things, and she went to three sessions, and I mean it's only three sessions. But even the counselor said that she seems adequate and okay, hopefully she's just not hiding it very. You know, adequate and okay, hopefully she's just she's not hiding it very well, you know. But I mean I don't know, but I mean it's only three sessions. My daughter didn't want to go anymore. She wasn't having it.
Speaker 2:Maybe try to find her a different. I don't care, there's all different things, right.
Speaker 1:But well, I do, buddy, I do, man, she loves the horses. I mean, I just paid for her for a week. She goes to horse camp, you know, two times a summer and she stays there for a whole week both times. That's her, she loves it, man loves the horses.
Speaker 2:That's not easy, especially with children, right, but see.
Speaker 1:No, man, no Even like breakups, man. Same thing with breakups. You know someone comes in your life, they stick around and then all of a sudden leave. You know, at the end of the day, okay, all the pain, yeah, you're feeling. But what about the kids, man? You know they got to grieve. That's hard on them too. That's why it's good to not introduce your kids for at least six months. Jules was mad because it took me six months. I didn't introduce him or introduce my daughter to her. She was so mad at me she's like telling her mom like why won't you show me, introduce the kids?
Speaker 2:Like because you got to protect them, right, because of situations like that, where you know someone comes into your life and then all of a sudden see you later and then your kids, like, like I said, just left grieving, yeah, and all the kids sees is what she doesn't love me anymore abandonment issue and then you know that's what the kids don't understand the heartbreak but they understand when they're there, playing with them every week for a year, two years, and then all of a sudden they're not playing with them anymore. Yeah, so it's definitely tough man. But you know, part two of in this whole acceptance thing on the traumas that we suffer is if you don't accept it and you keep adding to that, like we did for years, like I did for years, like I did for years, and not fixing your issues and not talking about your problem, me too, is you are passing that down to your children to deal with because you chose not to deal with it. Generational trauma, you can pass that down. That's a real thing. Deal with it. Generational trauma you can pass that down. That's a real thing, you know. So not only does your children or new children have go through enough with the loss themselves of the relationship the other half or you know, grandma or auntie or whatever from from loss is. They also get to deal with your bullshit and your issues that you choose not to deal with because you choose not to accept that you choose not to learn to let it go or figure out how to let it go, so you can be the best version of yourself every day, true story, and you have clarity and you're able to be present with your children, with your family, at your job.
Speaker 2:Because I wasn't present for 20 years. I was always there for my children, I was there for my friends, I was loyal. I never cheated in my relationships. But I wasn't present, man, because every day I was broken, I was struggling, I was in pain, crying, anxiety driven and fucking. We get told as men just to fucking suck it up, man up. You got this, stop being a bitch. But man, I tell you, man, holding that in for 20 years, man, and then that blew up in my face and that was almost it for me, man, I couldn't do it anymore. I broke. I literally broke more I broke, I literally broke. And that's when the last time, I couldn't leave my bedroom for five days.
Speaker 2:Literally abuse, loss and mask it. You know overwork, drink, you know hanging out with friends every weekend, doing this and partying and whatever else, just to distract yourself. But by distracting yourself you're just prolonging the damage, you're not fixing it, you're making it worse and then people choose not to deal with it because it's a trigger and they don't want to think about it or talk about it, especially as a man. For me, I don't tell a stranger. I got touched by another man when I was five years old. How do you feel, as a man, having to say that out loud, as a 40-year-old, to a psychiatrist? You know what I mean. I get it. You don't want to talk, or yeah?
Speaker 1:yeah, definitely yeah, because you, you feel tough. That's going to make you what I tell you and that's why we do what we do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely, I could fly getting through that in the beginning, because that's the hardest part. It triggers, it sets you off. You don't want to talk about it. It hurts to talk about it. It makes you feel shitty thinking about it again because you blocked it out for so many years, just because you buried it and you masked it. And now you got to turn around and face it. Now you got to look it dead in the eyes and be like this is why I've been like this for 50 years, 30 years, and that is the hardest part of most men especially don't want to do that. I'm fine, I'm good, I'll be all right. Then you act fine, but you're not fine.
Speaker 2:Everyone around you feels it and you feel it Especially. You know it. You know why you keep doing what you're doing. You know why you have anger issues. You know it. You know exactly how you feel. Just people. It's too hard to face it and look yourself in the mirror and face it. But by doing so and facing it and learning to accept what's happened, whether it's your fault or not, I tell you, man, the clarity that comes in your mind I never thought I would have in my entire life because my mind was so polluted for as long as I can remember, since I was a child and it snowballed for 30 years with death lost a son, tried to commit suicide, twice abused as a child. You name it, man. I could go on and on, just like you, man.
Speaker 1:Well, that's why we're here, though to help, right. We want people to know, or men to know, that it's okay, you know you're not alone. You don't. You're not in this battle alone, you have brothers.
Speaker 2:That will help you, taking bricks out of that backpack that we carry around, not add to it. But in order to do that, you've got to turn around and face those demons Exactly. You've got to look yourself in the mirror and be like I'm tired of feeling like this, I can't do it anymore, yep. But it starts with you, and you only because nobody's coming to save you.
Speaker 1:It's the fight man.
Speaker 2:What you do with what has happened is up to you. Just because you were a victim doesn't mean you have to be a victim. So stop being a victim. Stop acting like a victim doesn't mean you have to be a victim, so stop being a victim. Stop acting like a victim. Stop pointing the fingers because it's easier for you to sleep telling yourself that it was their fault. So I'm okay, I'm fine, it's you.
Speaker 2:You got to point the finger at yourself. If you want to make the change, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and say you know what I fucked up. You know what I'm fucked up. Something's wrong. I'm not right. I'm tired of hurting people that didn't deserve it. I'm tired of hurting myself. I'm tired of holding on to this that I couldn't let go for 20 years. And that's what I did.
Speaker 2:Because I held on to all this child abuse, the loss of everything for years as long as I can remember, until one day it blew up in my face and I broke, and that's when I decided I got to look at myself in the mirror and be like you are the reason that relationship ended. You are the reason your bank account looks like this right now. You are the reason you're in a house you don't like right now. You are the reason you're doing a job and going six days a week, 12 hours a day, to a job you don't like right now. You are the reason you're doing a job and going six days a week, 12 hours a day, to a job you don't even care about. It's no one else's fault, but you. You are where you are in your life because of you, not because what happened to you. Yeah, you have to, and most people won't do that.
Speaker 1:It's about keeping yourself accountable, accountable but you yeah, yeah, but it's okay to fail, man that's the thing you're scared to fail. That's not failure, you know? I yeah, man, I heard, oh God, today. I heard it was. I forgot who said it, but it says that it said Half the people that quitted, or 90% of the people that quit. I believe it were steps away from achievement.
Speaker 2:Because they're almost there and then they just give up because it's too hard, yeah, man, or they don't want to face themselves. Maybe they have too much self-doubt in themselves. They don't believe in themselves? Yeah, that's the biggest thing is most people don't believe in themselves. No, that's the biggest thing is. No, most people don't believe in themselves. No, because you'll never go past in your life the level of your own self-worth, right? You'll never go past that, because you only stay where you think you believe you should be or the job you can only do because you don't think you can do something else, or you think you can only date this person because you don't think you'll find better.
Speaker 2:But that's your level of self-worth that you've hit that you can never go past until you raise that. You have to raise that. Then the better jobs come, the better relationships come, the better friends come.
Speaker 2:Because when you raise the level of your self-worth, how do you think you feel about yourself? Your self-confidence goes up, the love for yourself goes up, the clarity in your mind is I can't even explain the clarity coming from what I came from, because I chose a different path this time than to drink, to feel sorry for myself, play a victim. It was her fault, it was his fault, no man. One of the hardest things I ever had to do is I had to look in the mirror and be like you know what as painful as this is, and if I was the reason for that relationship. I have to accept that, because now I can learn from that, now I can grow from that. But you have to raise that level of self-worth and in doing so and being able to do that is you have to accept and let go of anything that's happened in the past in order for you to move forward into a better future. You can't let these past moments interrupt the movements to your future.
Speaker 1:So well, that's normal, that's life, life is going to be there every morning you wake up. Life is coming around the corner and it's going to punch you in the face, shit happens.
Speaker 2:Being able to deal with these things going forward, because you've raised your level of self worth, your confidence, your self esteem and the love you have for yourself, and you've learned and found tools worth your confidence, your self-esteem and the love for you have for yourself.
Speaker 2:And you've learned and found tools to help you get through things as you grow.
Speaker 2:Moving forward Because, again, as we get older, you're going to deal with more deaths, because that's life, you know, and, like I said, life's going to punch you in the face numerous times, over and over.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no matter how good your life is today, tomorrow's a new day. You don't know what's going to happen, but being able to deal with these when they come now, whatever traumatic, traumatic events, stresses all these things you're able to tackle it a lot better, be more self-aware, learn how to manage your emotions when it happens better, because you've dealt with the past and able to move forward, accept it, let it go, and find the tools so that, when these things do happen, going forward, you're not knocked down and you don't stay down for a year, you stay down for a week and you navigate through it a lot better, because you've raised your self-worth and you feel better about yourself and you know how to tackle these things when they come. Because then you get to a point where you're like, fuck, I'm built for this shit now and that's how you have to be yeah, um, can I, can I bring up something actually some good stuff here ended on a good note, some exciting stuff.
Speaker 1:I Ended on a good note, Some exciting stuff. I just want to first off say thank you to everybody that listens all over the world. Now. I mean, Joey, I mean we're all over the world, bro, we're getting there. So I just want to share something with everybody. We are in the Philippines, we are in the Philippines, we're in Bulgaria, Ireland, Costa Rica, New Zealand, Japan, Mexico, Australia, United Kingdom, the States and Canada. So everybody listening and all over the world, there we really appreciate you. You know we've stretched overseas. It's just amazing. I just got crazy goosebumps, man. So you know we wouldn't be here without all of you guys and we just thank you. Fuck, that's news to me.
Speaker 2:Japan and Bulgaria. I'm blown away man.
Speaker 1:I'm blown away, that's just.
Speaker 2:Yeah, buddy, that's what we do.
Speaker 1:Yeah man, yeah, yeah. And if you guys are yeah man, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I just, and if you guys are just tuning, in.
Speaker 2:We are Raw Minds, we are the first podcast on men's mental health where we share our stories and our struggles and we've had more struggles than probably almost certain most people that you've ever met in your life. But to be sitting here talking to you guys every week with Eric, and to come from a headspace of pollution and anxiety and depression for more years than I can even remember, to be sitting here tonight and every other week to reach out and help other people that are going through it or dealing with it you know, we're not doctors, we're not psychiatrists, but we've lived that life doctors. We're not psychiatrists, but we've lived that life and if it wasn't for that life, I wouldn't be sitting here today. So I'm beyond grateful and the fact that you guys are all listening. You guys tune in every week. I don't know what platform you guys are listening to us on, but we are on every platform you can think of. I'm pretty sure iTunes, spotify, itunes, iheartradio, youtube, oh yeah, amazon Music, you name it, we're there iHeart all of it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it's a real blessing and I'm very grateful to sit here every week.
Speaker 2:Man, it's crazy to even be in my own headspace that I'm at now in life and I hey, we all struggle. It's a every day is a struggle. Every day we have, you know, small to big triggers. Every day we have, you know, moments of anxiety, moments of depression, moments of sadness. We're human beings, but it's finding the tools, how to get through them.
Speaker 2:Talking to somebody, I can't stress that enough because it changed my life and, like I said, it was, one of the hardest things is to look myself in the mirror and take accountability and acceptance and accept my part in my downfalls and my struggles, as most of you, as all of you should be doing as well, in order to change your life, because when you change your mindset, you change your life, but you have to accept and let go, even if it was the most traumatic, painful, disgusting, disturbing thing that happened to you as a child or even as an adult. You know they say forgiveness is always for you, not for them. It's fact, it's for you, and a part of that is letting go. Let it go, stop letting it affect your life, whatever it is. You have to move forward. You're not moving backwards and it's extremely difficult. I understand it, I sympathize and I get it, but only you can make that change you, and you only Because you got people that love you.
Speaker 2:You got people that care about you. Whether you think you have no friends or you don't think you're, you don't have anybody. Your family, we're your family, we're here. We're here. Reach out, reach out to us, email us. Tiktok fucking on my fitness page, whatever comment. Use fake names if you don't feel comfortable, we don't care. Youtube, call us, we call you, we help you the best that we can. Use fake names if you don't feel comfortable. We don't care. Youtube.
Speaker 1:Call us, we call you.
Speaker 2:We help you the best that we can, but we can't help you until you want to help yourself first. Only you can make the change. Only we're here, just as a support system. We're only here to offer maybe some guidance or some tools that we use, but it means nothing unless you want to change, unless you can look yourself in the mirror and say you know what I fucked up. You know what I'm fucked up. You know what I can't do this anymore. You know what I'm tired of feeling like this anymore. I'm tired of being lost and broken and lonely, shattered, because I promise you there are better days on the other side if you're willing to put in the work. Everyone's waiting for motivation. Fuck, motivation, it's discipline, whether you feel like doing it or not. You have to get up, because the days are just going to keep going by you, whether you feel like shit or you don't. So what are you going to do about it? You have to get up. Don't point fingers, don't play a victim. And get up, because nobody's coming to save you.
Speaker 2:You really want to change your life? Then it starts with you, and it can be a long journey, but at least you're making the changes. Do you want to stay where you're at, in the job that you're in and the way you feel every day, for the rest of your life? Or do you want to feel like that for another six months to a year, while you're making those changes, and then you start coming out of that on the other side it's the best thing you ever did, million percent. And then, once you get to that point, who do you get attracted to in your life? I feel like a brand new person. The better relationships, better friends, that job you always wanted.
Speaker 2:But that comes with work and most people don't want to do that. Most people don't want to look themselves in the mirror. It's too hard. I'm comfortable. Are you comfortable being fucking stressed and depressed every week and not happy and just exist? That's okay. You're just existing. You're not living. You got to live your life. Don't fuck what everyone else says. Live for yourself, do what makes you happy, period. Otherwise, you're just going to live in a constant state of depression, always trying to please others and doing things for other people because that might make them happy, but not you. So reach out. That's what we're here for. Yeah, buddy 100%.
Speaker 2:Well, man, I think this is the end of episode 5 of the mini series of the 5 stages of the grief. It was good while it lasted.
Speaker 1:Well done we on 30 already, you know it's a big one. Next one too, bro.
Speaker 2:Episode 30 we far exceeded 90% of all podcasts that don't make it to episode 23 next week will be 30, bro, we still running, yeah big things, man, we still running.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, big things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and on the side, if you guys are just tuning in or listening, hopefully check out iron menacecom.
Speaker 2:So I also have a fitness gym where a gym line just dropped not too long ago. Check it out. More lady stuff is coming, but it's pretty badass, not going to lie, ironmenacecom, and if you guys have some stories you might want to share, or you've been through hell and back just like us, reach out to us at rawmindspodcast at gmailcom. We'd love to chat with you, talk to you, you know, even get you on the show as a guest. We've had numerous guests before and then, if not, like I said, if you just you got no one to talk, to fuck, shoot us a message, man, please. You know, give us one more day. If you don't feel like you can wake up tomorrow, man, just give us another day. Reach out. That's what we're here for. Yeah, so you know, on that note, for me, we all love you, we appreciate you and until next week, if you can't find good people, be good people.
Speaker 1:And I just want to say, man blown away still, how we're across the world right now Wild. So I love it. I love all you guys. Thank you for the support. You know this is. This is great. We're growing. You know, we appreciate all you that are like passing us on to your friends and other people that need to hear this. You know, and it's, it's great. It's a great little community that we're building here. Thank you. Well, that's it for me too. So we'll catch you next week on episode 30. Well, be good or be good at it. Bye.