In episode 34 of "Raw Minds Ep. 34 - Gaslighting and Manipulation: Losing the Grip with Abuse ," we delve into the important but often overlooked topic of men in abusive relationships. Join us as we shine a light on the experiences of male survivors, exploring the unique challenges they face and the impact of abuse on their mental health.
Towards the end of the episode, we are honored to welcome a special guest who bravely shares his personal story and insights on what he has endured in an abusive relationship. His perspective adds a powerful and real-life dimension to our discussion, offering valuable firsthand experiences and shedding light on the complexities of abuse from a male survivor's point of view.
Join us as we break the silence, challenge stereotypes, and provide a platform for men to share their truths and seek the support they deserve. Tune in to episode 34 of "Raw Minds" to listen, learn, and stand in solidarity with male survivors of abuse as they reclaim their voices and their healing journey.
In episode 34 of "Raw Minds Ep. 34 - Gaslighting and Manipulation: Losing the Grip with Abuse ," we delve into the important but often overlooked topic of men in abusive relationships. Join us as we shine a light on the experiences of male survivors, exploring the unique challenges they face and the impact of abuse on their mental health.
Towards the end of the episode, we are honored to welcome a special guest who bravely shares his personal story and insights on what he has endured in an abusive relationship. His perspective adds a powerful and real-life dimension to our discussion, offering valuable firsthand experiences and shedding light on the complexities of abuse from a male survivor's point of view.
Join us as we break the silence, challenge stereotypes, and provide a platform for men to share their truths and seek the support they deserve. Tune in to episode 34 of "Raw Minds" to listen, learn, and stand in solidarity with male survivors of abuse as they reclaim their voices and their healing journey.
yeah, yeah. Once again we are back with a brand new week. It is men's mental health month. That is why we do what we do. We are un, unedited, unfiltered and, as always, we are going raw. My name is Joey.
Speaker 1:And I'm Eric and we're your hosts. And welcome to Raw Minds, episode 34, man Look at this Whoa. And it's Men's Mental Health Awareness Month, so I mean, that's big bro men's mental health awareness should be 365 days a year, 100 period.
Speaker 2:Anyone's mental health? Yeah, buddy, yeah, like we. Mental health is a serious, serious issue, especially nowadays with the world and where it's at and social media and all that. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely, man you know. Like you know, all these men are suffering in silence. Like we say, man, you know.
Speaker 2:Living in quiet desperation man. We're screaming on the inside, we're screaming in whispers, really, and nobody can hear us, but we're screaming on the inside.
Speaker 2:We're screaming in whispers, really, and nobody can hear us, but we're hurting. Men are hurting, especially Women too. But what we're focusing on right now is the men's side, because the weight that we carry every day, like we always talk about man, is a heavy load and unless you are a man, you you will never understand that. Yeah, and that has nothing to do saying that men are better or this and that it has nothing to do with that at all. It's because of society and the weight that men carry and what we're supposed to do in the eyes of everybody else. You know, a lot of men can't keep up to that standard and they're trying and it's breaking them and every day they're falling apart, piece by piece, and every day we're carrying that backpack of fucking bricks, concrete blocks, and it's getting heavier and heavier and heavier.
Speaker 2:So it's true, man that's why, uh, yeah, go ahead and silence, man you know.
Speaker 1:And then look at all the men that they commit suicide. Man, it makes up for 80. You know his men. And it's not just like from relationships and shitty lives. I mean it's also work right. You know some people have hard times at work and you know it affects everything. You know it's just sad man.
Speaker 2:Oh, 100%, it can be anything. I mean, that's life, right, we all have stresses, you know. We all have normal stresses. Everyone's got normal stresses of just making money to pay their bills and you know. But if these are things that are stressing you and weighing on you that bad and you have control of, you need to change it Right.
Speaker 2:And a lot of us, especially the men, is like well, I make really good money doing this, but in their mind is they're miserable, they hate it. But I care of their family and I understand it and we understand it a million percent, because it's the children and their wife, the lifestyle that they want to give them. But at the same time, they're depressed as shit. They're struggling, they're hurting, they're not happy, they're miserable. You know they're starting to drink more, they're not socializing as much anymore, they don't answer their phone as much anymore, but they keep doing it. It they got to be a man. Yeah, you got to take care of your family and yeah, as a and as a man, you you have to. A real man takes care of their family 100, takes care of their children. Be the best dad that they can be, that real man. But you also have to look at being able to take care of yourself as well.
Speaker 1:I should be number one.
Speaker 2:Well, you are number one over anybody, and I say that in a bad way, but how can you be the best for your children and your wife and girlfriend if you are not even present? Yeah, running on autopilot if you're sad all the time or angry, like, how is it possible that you can be a role model to those kids and the loving, caring husband to your wife if you're not the person anymore that your wife married or you're not? You know you're falling behind as a father. Just just because you're there doesn't make you a good father. But when you are there, you have to be present, right, and and that's what we strive for it shouldn't be.
Speaker 2:You know everyone's like oh, I just want to be happy. Well, man, what you should be shooting for is the clarity in your mind so you can be present in the days that, like the day that's in front of you, instead of letting everything that you're holding on to and not talked about and haven't dealt with in years, clutter your mind and pollute it, because that's all you think about day in and day out, because you're refusing to face your demons and work on yourself. So every day, you're around your children and your wife and your work and your job. Yeah, you're there, but you're not present at all it's true, man you know, that's what you need.
Speaker 1:I mean like, well, like, and when we say too, like you know, you gotta, you gotta be there for your family, and it's not about like money and all that, it's like what you said right, you gotta be, you gotta just show up. Right, it's all about showing up yeah, but at the end of the day, man, that's, that's all that these kids need, right? Is you to show up and and be there for them?
Speaker 2:and show up and and have that peace of mind, or that peace in your mind. Yeah, you know what I mean and it I sat personally with 20 years of a polluted mind and I wasn't present for a lot of my children's life and not saying that I was a bad father, because I was always there for my kids I see them every week and I take them all the time and I do things with them but mentally I wasn't present because I was struggling so bad. Yeah, you know what I mean. I I couldn't register half the time that they were even talking to me and they were sitting beside me because all I could think about was how, how down I was, how, how. All I could focus on was how bad my anxiety was that day or the problem that was causing it. I wasn't thinking about actually enjoying throwing the baseball with my children.
Speaker 2:You know, and it weighs on you when you're mentally like that, day in and day out for years, you exhausted, you're tired, you just want to go to sleep, you just want to lay down, you don't have energy. Well, that's a big part of being present for your family, your children, your friends and even at your job is working on your internal, the core problems, the core issues. On your internal, the core problems, the core issues. And, of course, as men, and that's why we're doing what we do. Us men will fuck where men will deal with it. I don't got problems.
Speaker 1:I'm good, I'm fine, I'm fine we all got fucking problems, man, but you're not fine and people see it.
Speaker 2:Are you sure you're okay? Yeah, I'm good, because we don't want to show the emotion, but you're not fine and people see it. Are you sure you're okay? Yeah, I'm good. I'm good Because we don't want to show the emotion, we don't want to be vulnerable, we don't want to let our buddies know that I'm actually heartbroken over a woman. I don't want to let my buddies know and my family know that I might get my house foreclosed on in two months because I'm struggling to, to, to to cover the bills and I don't want my wife to find out because she might leave me. You know, and all these things that weigh on us as men, it's, it's shattering, yeah definitely, and we're competing with everything in life, man, everything's a competition.
Speaker 1:It really is. You know from. You know from work to I mean even even chasing after a woman. You know what I mean, and how many women or how many guys are chasing after that one, that one woman. Well, you know what that's.
Speaker 2:One thing you should never do.
Speaker 1:Ever do is chase a woman, chase anybody but I'm no, no, but I'm saying right like this is this is what it is right and this is how people lose themselves. You know everybody puts it out as a competition. You know you lose like it's every everybody's trying to one up each other trying to be better. Fuck everybody else. Take care of yourself, man. That's when you start losing yourself. You try to be someone that you're not, and that's social media as well.
Speaker 2:Right, because everyone compares themselves to other people or why they don't have what he has or she has and I want that girl and they keep chasing this. It's a constant chase, like you said. In that sense, I'm always chasing the bigger house or always chasing the bigger bank account. And if you're always chasing something, even when you get it, it'll still be never good enough and you'll keep chasing more of it until you got to learn to be humble with what you have. And I've only learned this recently, in the last year, where for me to come from where I came from and I worked my ass off and struggled, but I still worked hard because we got kids and et cetera is when you realize that you know it's not the size of the house you have, it's the love inside of it.
Speaker 2:You know what's the important things of your life and being grateful, you know I used to be like because I was struggling. I thought, like most people, retail therapy right, that'll make me feel better if I go buy that new car, that'll make me feel better if I spend all this money on new clothes. Yeah, you might feel good for a day. But, dude, when I bought the last fucking sports car that I did that too, dude, I was fucking.
Speaker 2:I buried, my, I buried myself in debt just to feel good for a week, yeah. But now I got eight years of debt for eighty thousand dollars, like an idiot that shit plays off too right, that's what we do that right.
Speaker 2:That's. You know we're, we're human man. We try to find all these outlets to make yourself feel better, but they're temporary band-aids. But when you start to learn the humbleness and the gratitude of the things you do have, is it changes you man? It, yeah, yeah, it changes how you look at life. It changes how you let things affect you. You know, like I look around, like I got a nice little place, I got two beautiful children that are happy, they're good, I have no zero baby mama drama. I have a great job. I'm doing these positive things on the side, you know, and we're doing this and all these positive things. But I wouldn't be able to even do this and those things if I didn't start to learn to just be grateful and just to breathe. Sit back, look at what you have and be like you know what man. I worked my ass off to get what I have, and it may not be a mansion and I might not have a Ferrari, but who gives a fuck? Because the truth is you having a Ferrari only impresses broke people.
Speaker 2:You having designer clothes impresses broke people you having designer clothes impresses broke people and most people because of what other people think, and that's why they're chasing all these things, because they think people think they're cool and girls will like them better because they got a new Mercedes. But it's all fake, you know, once people start to learn to live for themselves, like, if that's a shirt, I don't even care who makes it, if it's a nice shirt, I'm gonna fucking wear it. Who, who cares? I didn't stand in line for two days because everyone wants the same pair of yeezys. It's fucking retarded. Like they're just. You know, people that do that are just followers, that's all. They are Followers. They got to have the newest phone right away. They got to have the newest Louis Vuitton bag and they got to have the newest Yeezys. Man, it's all fake. It's all for show, for what? To impress people that don't give a fuck about you.
Speaker 2:Sure, you drive by people with a new fancy car and people are like, oh, that's a nice car and then that's the only thought you're going to get out of these people. They don't just sit there and think all day like, look at fucking Nick over there, he's got a Ferrari, and then they talk about it for a week to their friends and family. Like no, it doesn't work like that. Like who are you impressing? You're going into debt, like I did with that one sports car a couple years ago that I bought, thinking that I'd feel better and I'd look better. And I gotta fucking I won't feel so shitty about my life because I have this car, fuck, fuck. Less than a week later, buddy, I was back to feeling shitty again, except now I got a $1,500 a month car payment, like an idiot that I've tied into for eight years and I'm like what are you doing?
Speaker 2:But that's what people do, right? Because they want to do. It's their temporary band-aid of trying to. They're borrowing the credibility of the sports car of the Louis Vuittons just to try to boost their own self-esteem, because they have none. Because if you did have high self-esteem and a high self-worth, you don't care what people think. If you're driving a Ford Focus, nobody cares, you wouldn't care. Like I don't care. I'm getting from point A to point B. Man, I got a couple bucks in the bank, food in my fridge. My kids are good. We're going on a trip. The fuck. Do you think I care if you look at me because my car is not as nice as yours, but that's where your self-worth comes in and that's where most people struggle with. Is that self-worth and self-esteem? So that's why they borrow the credibility of all these fucking clothes and fancy cars.
Speaker 1:It's called temporary band-aids, my friend.
Speaker 2:So it's all fake. It's all you know. Majority of the people that have a nice car are broke. They live in a basement with two roommates on a fucking mattress and they don't even have a bed frame, but they got an $80,000 convertible in the driveway that cost them $2,000 a month. That's fucking stupid. You're not impressing anybody except broke people. Broke people impressing broke people Because every fucking rich person that you Real rich person. They don't even have a gold chain man, their car's used. They wear a golf shirt and regular jeans. You would have no idea.
Speaker 2:I worked with a guy last year ripped jeans, dirty sweatshirt, awesome guy, just an average looking dude, looking like he's going to tim horns for a coffee and he walked into fucking uh mclaren and bought a five and a half five hundred thousand dollar mclaren like nothing. And you just look at him and that's the only thing that he has that shows money is because it was his dream car, but he worked for it. But his day to day life he's not flashy man, nobody gives a shit. So it's all about getting to that level of self worth in yourself and fixing everything inside of yourself so you can feel better about yourself. And when you feel better about yourself. You care less and less what other people think, because you've built your own self-confidence. You know what I mean and that's where it comes from. And the reason why people care so much about what other people think is because they don't think so highly of themselves. So they're looking for validation from other people who especially like on social media and all these stupid fucking crying on social media and getting all these likes. They're just, it's just validation from people who genuinely do not give a fuck about you, do not care that you're. You Do not care that you're heartbroken, do not care that you got a brand new car.
Speaker 2:But everyone's got a stunt on social media like there's somebody when they're not, because they're struggling inside and they haven't dealt with all the shit that they're dealing with. So that's why they're doing this is because they don't feel good about themselves. They don't love themselves, they don't take care of themselves. They don't love themselves. They don't take care of themselves. So the biggest thing is just working on yourself, especially when you're struggling, and to to get out of that and to build your self-worth so you can be present, like I said earlier, with your children, your parents, your, your wife. Really, you know, letting go of some of that weight that men carry on our backs. Every day we walk out the front door. Yeah, man, it's a tough world. Man, it's a tough world.
Speaker 1:Every day is a struggle, especially when you're in a fucking shit relationship. Let's get into that. You know there's a lot of a lot of people guys and girls out there. You know they're they. They're in abusive relationships, you know, and they're just co-dependent men. You know there's guys out there that get beat up by their old lady and yet they'll still go and lay down beside them at the end of the night and wake up in the morning and everything's fine. Fucking blows my mind, man, that people like I don't like. Where's your?
Speaker 2:self-respect. Well, I mean, you know, that's something that is rarely talked about and I think tonight was a is a good uh night to talk about. It is the men that are abused, because it happens and it's just not talked about enough because you're men well, no one wants to say, oh yeah, my wife beat me up.
Speaker 1:I used to work with this guy, man, every weekend this guy would get drunk with his wife and his wife would beat him up and he would show up with a black eye and it would heal by Thursday and he would fucking have another one monday morning again. You know, I it blows my mind how, like, like we said the last episode, you know, a venomous snake comes up to you and bites you in the arm. Are you gonna chase that snake down and say, hey, why did you bite me? That wasn't very nice, I didn't do. Say, hey, why did you bite me? That wasn't very nice. I didn't do anything bad to you. Why did you bite me? No, you're going to fucking run to the hospital and fix your shit.
Speaker 1:Man, why are you going to fucking chase after these people, like, seriously, if they hurt you, depending on? I mean, like there's letting down and stuff which is it sucks too. But I mean, why are you going to chase after these people, man, if they hurt you and put you through this and abuse you? It's, it blows my mind. I don't know, it's something like that Definitely. I would say some, some some kind of Well, there's that too. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:I did some reading last year and I never really understood it. Even with women, when you come around and you're the nice guy and you treat them like gold, but then they go back to the ex that punches them out and you're like, and I don't understand it. And I didn't understand that for years. But in one of the books that I read it said that the reason why people do that is because that is what they're so used to. And when someone like you comes around and shows them something completely different than what they're used to, it makes them very uncomfortable. As much as every girl on the planet, I just want a nice guy that'll treat me right and loyal. Yeah, they say that, but do they stay with that? No, some do, some do, but a lot of them don't. And when somebody even for men, they're so used to a certain type of woman that they've dated that wore the pants or smacked them around, it happens, you know, or talks down to them and belittles them Like that's all they're used to. They're weak men.
Speaker 1:Let's face it, man, the whole social media, everything the society's fucked right now. It's messed it, man. The whole social media, everything the society's fucked right now. It's messed up. Man, it's so easy to go out there and just swipe, right, you know what I mean. It's that easy. And you got all these hurt people that are lonely on on tinders and bumbles and whatever the other ones are, you know, and they're just swiping to find someone to sleepy side. For the rest, like for and no feelings, nothing like that, you know. But like there's like, and I'm not talking about like a friends with benefits. That's a whole different thing. That's whatever. Have fun with it. I I've had friends with, but that's that. I'm talking about finding someone that you just settle with. You know what I mean. And that's what a lot of people are doing.
Speaker 2:They're just finding someone like a kind of you know what the problem with that, and that's why online is extremely difficult, especially these days, is there's a lot of people who leave relationships and blame entirely on the failure of that relationship on their ex, without taking any accountability, not realizing that they had something to do with it as well, which, in turn, they are now carrying over to the next relationship. So here comes some people on the online dating. They swipe on somebody who's genuinely looking to meet someone nice and genuinely trying to get to know somebody, but they don't know that they've swiped on someone with severe fucking trauma issues that they have not dealt with. And these people are using other people as a comfort for their to mask their problems, and they're using people as temporary band-aids, rather than what I said with clothes and sports, cars and whatever else is.
Speaker 2:People use other people and because their heart or their heartbroken and instead of it's called munching, being alone, dealing with that heartbreak, fixing yourself, working on yourself. That's why, when they do that monkey branching especially the women that do that they jump to the next one. Well, this guy doesn't know how damaged she is from the last one. And then, six months later, well, here it comes out again because this girl's trump has hasn't dealt with her shit and is now coming out on this guy who is being the nice guy who is treating them well, and now he's getting treated like shit and cheated on or left and he's sitting there.
Speaker 2:What the fuck did I do? Because that's happened to me once or twice and I didn't understand it and I was hurt and I'm like what did I do? I thought I was doing the best that I could, I respected you, I didn't swear at you, I was loyal. But it's jumping back to the trauma that people are used to and the men, because I tell you you, in the last week I worked with a whole bunch there's 1800 people at my job and I'm a supervisor to quite a few of them and I've talked to a few guys just about daily life and the last four guys, four different people, four different lives, four different relationships, and every one of them I was. My mouth was hitting the floor like I couldn't believe it. One guy, wife or girlfriend broke his nose, smashed his windshield in his car, freaked out. Then he.
Speaker 2:Then he found pictures of her in a folder in the phone or on the tablet, but it was named like some beauty salon. But it was her playing with herself for videos for random guys on the internet and her Hold on hold, on hold on hold on when the fuck is this?
Speaker 1:Well, I'll see him.
Speaker 2:I'm just saying, like these are the things that I'm hearing in men and broken men. These are the weak men and men that are allowing this. I'm not just talking about women.
Speaker 2:you know and you know when you look at the women's side who's abused, who's cheated on, and they try to get away, but they're scared because they're scared of that person, and that's a little understandable, because they're scared for their life half of them. They don't want to say anything. You know what I mean. Their self-esteem is shattered. Then, when you look at the men, which I don't understand, as, like I was saying, some of the stories that I've been hearing, especially like this guy the girl broke his nose, stayed with her, smashed his windshield out. He found a folder, like I said, with a name of a beauty salon, playing with herself for guys on the internet asking for money.
Speaker 2:I talked to another guy and this is all in a week. I'm not kidding with four different random lives. The other guy I invited him out and he's like I'm not allowed. I'm like I'm and he's like I'm not allowed. I'm like I'm sorry. What he's like? No, my girlfriend will freak out. My girlfriend will freak out. She's like the last time I tried to leave, I bought a $4,000 couch and she stabbed it up like shredded it with a knife and I'm just like.
Speaker 1:You know what? She might as well put a fucking shock collar on the guy so he can't have the hopes. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:And he bought a couple tank tops and I'm like, oh, did you rock the new tank tops to the gym? He's like, yeah, I can't go to the gym. I'm like, I'm sorry. What he's like, yeah, my girlfriend doesn't really like it because there's girls there. And I'm like, oh my God, oh my god, what the fuck is wrong with you that I don't understand.
Speaker 2:And then, um, the other guy, which is the one where, like the real good guys that really struggle with and this is where women don't seem to understand is that men are pretty simple when it comes to a relationship. We're huge on respect and a little bit of appreciation, because we're trying Most men are trying we're going to work 10, 12, 14 hours a day. You know. We come home, you see your kids, maybe just for dinner if you're lucky, and then you put them to sleep, and then an hour a day you get during the week, six days a week, maybe one day a week you get to spend with your kids. You know, and coming from the relationship side, like we just want to feel a little appreciated and and respected. You know, the random little things girls don't realize too is like guys don't really get compliments very rare. So when a guy gets a compliment from someone that he loves or cares about, it is huge and he will remember it forever.
Speaker 1:You know what's big man? You know what's big when you come home from work and your partner asks you how your day is. That's a little thing. That's huge to me. In my thing that's huge.
Speaker 2:That's all he asks man you want to come home to a peaceful house. Yeah man, not get nagged to do something. Yeah, there's things that man, we, we have to share and do around the house. If you live with someone, especially, that's normal. But when you walk in the door, like you said, how's your day, babe? Yeah, all right, let me, let me rub your back for a minute, let me fucking make you a sandwich, just whatever it is, and I'm not one that I'm not the I'm not one of those guys that the girl, but those little tiny things and, like I was saying, is the guy.
Speaker 2:The other guy that I worked with I was talking to is his birthday was last week and his wife like she doesn't. They're not intimate barely, and they're like 30 years old, They've only been married for two years and he's struggling because he feels that she only gets intimate when she does is just because she thinks that's what he wants and not because she wants to and it that breaks a man to be honest with you, bro, that almost sounds well.
Speaker 2:I asked him if she like goes out all the time Without him. He says she doesn't, but, and she's blaming. They have a 19 month old and she's still blaming it on postpartum, like two years later, and all that I mean now, and he knows it. But what I'm getting at, though, is those things like It'm not his birthday last week, and he was saying that like she didn't even go to get him a gift. Like she went the day of she wrapped the present in front of him and wrote the card and then told him she was too busy and then got him a couple protein bars. And like he just like he was so angry and so upset. And he's like my wife didn't even put any thought into this, like I don't care about the big gifts, but she went downstairs in the cupboard and grabbed a pink dollar store bag and then threw my gift in it and then wrote the card in front of me. I'm like, so those little things is huge. And he's like I just wanted to come home and have dinner with my wife and my kid, and then that's what she does.
Speaker 2:And like the next day, like dude, the guy couldn't even speak. He was hurting, I know, and this is what a lot of the good guys go through is we don't ask for much. You know we're trying, we are trying, and especially nowadays, especially in North America, and the prices of housing, like dude, if you think, men carry a weight on their backs every day. They leave me in double that way now because you know rent's going up, mortgage is going up. You always wanted to buy a house and you're almost there, but now you can't afford it.
Speaker 2:Interest rates, whatever it is, cost of food, gas that doesn't change the fact that we're men and we're supposed to be providers. You know what I mean. So all that also weighs on us because we just want to give our kids and our wife and our family everything that they want. Try, but like this guy that I was just telling you about, with his wife. Man like this guy works hard, he's an amazing father. He doesn't go to the bar, he doesn't barely drink, he's always home with his wife and his kid and she won't even fucking lay down with him and show him that she cares.
Speaker 1:And it's breaking him. Well, if he's not happy man, then you know what he needs to do something about it. If she doesn't want to put in the work, then he needs to tell her. Pretty much, see you later.
Speaker 3:I've talked to him about that, you know, and as far as people and that's.
Speaker 2:Another thing is, especially when you have kids, people majority of people that are unhappy that stay together when they have kids. They do it because they have kids. Oh well, when my kids are a bit older and is the worst thing you could possibly do is stay in an unhealthy relationship for your children. It is way worse. You have no idea how much worse it is what that carries over onto your children, what they have to see. If you're the toxic couple, always fighting, you know, or if you're the couple that are just constantly depressed, sad, miserable, like that, you're passing on generational trauma to your children and with what the guy that I was just talking about situation is, yeah, he's got to make changes for him and I've tried to explain that you and it is very hard at the beginning if you're leaving a household where you live together and you see your kids every day because the second that the relationship is over, one of you is not seeing your kids every day and fuck 90% of the time. 95%, it's the guys right, but I tell you me, I'm a single father with two kids and I never got the opportunity to see my kids every day. I came home from work, we broke up early on in their lives. But being able to be alone and to really dig deep inside yourself to better yourself for your children, even though you might not be able to see them now three, four days a week, that's still okay. And it's hard at first, I understand. It's devastating because now you're not coming home every day to your children, I get it. But the clarity that you will create in your own mind over time in the long term, and being happy, being able to get out and finally do things that you never did before working on yourself, working more on your fitness you got a couple days a week extra. Now you're going to the gym more. Now you're feeling better about yourself. So when you do have let's put it this way you can have your kids seven days a week but be fucking miserable Unhappy relationship, unhappy marriage and see them seven days a week. Or you can get out of that relationship, see them two, three days a week, whatever depending but in those two or three days you are the happiest you've ever been and you felt the best you've ever felt about yourself.
Speaker 2:What kind of quality time do you think you get out of those three days? Feeling like that then, seven days being fucking miserable and depressed because you're you, you're no longer present every day. You're there, but every day you're with your children. You might see them every day, but you're not there. You're not present you day, but you're not there. You're not present. You're fucked up, you're depressed. You could be suicidal or suicidal thoughts. You're not. You're not registering half the things that are going on in your day-to-day life because you're so miserable that you're not making those changes. So if you made those changes and took, you know, the separation to work on yourself and fix yourself, the quality time in those three days will outweigh those seven days of not even being present in your mind with those children. The children will feel that you know.
Speaker 1:Well, that's just it, man. You know what I mean. You then look forward to those, like you said, the weekend, those three days, you know I'm, that's what happened to me. I had, um, me and my kid's mom were together almost for two years, you know. I got to go home every day from work and see my daughter. That's one of the biggest things I miss, you know. I walk through the door and all you hear is daddy and my daughter daughter run up and give me a big hug. I don't get that anymore, and that was probably one of the hardest things to miss definitely is coming home, you know, and seeing that little girl run up to me. And it hurts, definitely it hurts. But then you turn that into, you know, all that anticipation waiting to see her until until Friday.
Speaker 2:Well, and it goes with that time. You know, when you don't have them, you have time to yourself to work on the things that you need to work on. Right and that's what most people need to do is, if you're given time because we don't have time, nobody does. We don't have a lot of time, but the time that you're given, use it to the best that you can to better yourself. You know, and so many people just waste away existing watching a fucking new TV series every week and binge watching Netflix. Like, do you, do you know what you could have done in that week to make your life that much better, in those 10 hours that you wasted that whole week watching TV? You know?
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, I want to get back to this. These guys, man, that are just taking the abuse, you know it blows my mind still. I'm still blown away like how someone can just put up with that Like that's normal, with that, like that's normal, you know? Like where in your mind? Do you what's happened to you over the years to put you into that point to make you think that getting your partner beating you up is normal, or doing these toxic things, you know, or even cheating on you, sending, sending naked pictures to other people? And where are you like where? Where did you go wrong in in your life to be like, yeah, this is okay, that's, that's messed up. Man, if you're listening to that and this shit's going on, man, grow some fucking balls and say no, I'm not going to get treated like this, I deserve better. You know, smarten the fuck up.
Speaker 2:And I actually know it's one of the facts I've actually seen this is men men, as you know, don't get the attention that women get in general. Right, the guys aren't overloaded in the dms. The guys aren't overloaded in the DMs. The guys aren't getting 228 matches on Tinder in the first week. They might get four or two or whatever. So, guys, they don't get that attention. They don't. But when they do, it means that much more to them.
Speaker 2:So when some of these guys that are in these relationships of the abusive woman and it could just be emotional abuse, it could be whatever, there's a whole, there's lists of abuse. Obviously, whatever the situation may be, they're not being treated the way they're supposed to be treated is because men don't get that attention and get girls like girls get guys. So when the guy or these men in particular, get a woman that they think is out of their league and is the hottest girl they've ever dated, they think that they'll never get another girl like that again, that looks like that or whatever. They hold on to that because they don't have any self-confidence or self-esteem or self-worth.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Of course everyone knows that there's three fucking billion women out there. When you're that low on yourself and I've been there you've been there and how you feel about yourself.
Speaker 2:When you are in that place where you don't love yourself at all and you think that this is the best you're going to get, you're not going to leave. You're going to tolerate this shit, just like women tolerate this shit because they have no self-esteem, that man has crushed their self-esteem, have no self-esteem, that man has crushed their self-esteem, and just like some women crush the men's self-esteem. So they don't believe that they'll never find another girl that looks like that or as good looking as that or whatever the case may be, or has a good job like that, whatever. So because they, they don't love themselves, they, they just take the abuse and, just like some of these women, they're, they're broken, they have no self esteem.
Speaker 1:They don't think they'll find another guy that'll treat them right, because that's all they know well, and that's why I'm saying smarten the fuck up and grow some balls, man, don't let this happen. You know, I get it. I get it, but you know, take back at that fire. You know what I mean. That's what. That's why I'm saying this, like, if you're listening, like you need to take back that fire.
Speaker 1:Don't, don't be like that, you know. Is that, is that how you want to live? You know what I mean? Is that how you want? You want to live in misery. I get it, you're in, you're in shit. I've been there, I get it, I know how it is. But you need to have this mindset and this is what this is what we preach, right? It's about having that mindset and loving yourself and pushing forward. Well, of course, you are number one 100 take care of you. You matter.
Speaker 2:The only way for these men or the women that are in these abusive relationships is to build yourself forth to the point where you love yourself, where you will not tolerate any of that abuse, bullshit, disrespect, and that you will be okay if they walk out that front door and you shut it behind them. See ya, bye, bye, felicia.
Speaker 2:But exactly, and so many people and it should start right there it is to start with like their own faults is because they choose not to work on themselves. They choose to let these things go. But when you build that self-respect and self-esteem and love yourself, even going into a relationship, you're like I see the red flag right off the bat, nope, not going there, but so many people ignore it. We've done it, I've done it and it ends up breaking my heart because I ignored the signs in the beginning. I ignored the red flags because, well, I might not find someone like her because I wasn't loving myself, so I let shit roll, like most people do. Well, you know, he was really nice to my mom, so maybe I'll give him another chance. Like shit, like that. But any of that disrespect you will not tolerate once you get to a point in your life where you truly love yourself, where you can walk their ass right out the fucking door and that goes for the men and the women on both sides if you're being treated like that or abused remember?
Speaker 1:yeah, remember. I told you the. What was it like last week? I was supposed to meet up with this person. They got too drunk the next day didn't even phone call. Then, hey, you want to hang up?
Speaker 2:nope, sorry if people aren't going to respect shot at the title that's it, they gotta go and you know what? Know what, and as you get older and you start working on yourself there's a period.
Speaker 2:It's a lonely road Because when not going to lie it becomes a lonely road is because when you start to heal yourself and heal the issues that you've dealt with and you start building yourself up, you are now in that clarity that we always talk about. Your mind becomes more clear Now you're open and you can see the bullshit. You can see the disrespect. You don't know that you're growing up until you start losing friends. Yep, because I've caught 20 year friends off for disrespecting me one time.
Speaker 2:Exactly no I would never do that to to you. How could you do that to me? I will not lose a wink of sleep. See you later. You threw 20 years away because of that. Well, we're not friends, or you know what this relationship's not? Working because I will not put up with that bullshit ever again, but that's how you have to be. I mean, that's what I said.
Speaker 1:You get one shot at the title man.
Speaker 2:That is just the number one key is to love yourself first, to build that self worth up, because you will never obtain anything above what you think that you can. You can't go past the ceiling of your own self worth, ever so. But once you build that up Now you're going to have the better Relationship, the better jobs you attract, the better friends. But in that journey it is very lonely Because this is where you it's like peeling that onion You're peeling all these fucking layers of Toxics and rotten skin and that means friends, old friends, you know, until you get to the point where you're just like you know what, I know who I am. I'm never putting up with this shit again and I'm not gonna fucking, you know, lose any sleep over this, because I deserve better.
Speaker 2:Yep, yeah yeah, Welcome sir.
Speaker 1:We just have a surprise guest. He just popped in Good lord boys, I think.
Speaker 3:I figured it out. Welcome, sir.
Speaker 1:We have Anthony with us here. You just heard the third voice. What's going on?
Speaker 2:This is Anthony. He has been a guest on our show a long time ago. He's one of the OG's, one of our favorite episodes to this day when he came on one of the things that he came on I went through a really, really rough day, definitely, uh, where the I couldn't even probably do an episode.
Speaker 2:I couldn't even talk. I was just really down and I tell you, man, this guy's energy right here and the way we got to talk, I just it made me fucking feel like a million dollars after. So I appreciate him, we appreciate, appreciate them and we're going to introduce you guys once again to the top dog across the country, Mr Anthony.
Speaker 1:Welcome, Anthony.
Speaker 3:Thanks, boys. Thanks for having me, thanks for being patient. I literally had to drive to my ex's house to steal her laptop, which is like 15 minutes away. So shout out to her for looking me. Thanks for being patient. I literally had to drive to my ex's house to steal her laptop which is like 15 minutes away.
Speaker 1:So shout out to her for hooking me up. Well, shout out to your ex, then, for hooking you up. Thank you, yeah, man how have you been man?
Speaker 3:I've been better. Great month to celebrate men's mental health, that's for sure. But you know life's a a trip, man.
Speaker 1:Life's a trip, it's a journey. Ain't that the truth? I saw you got your head tattooed, man.
Speaker 3:That's pretty fucking badass yeah, 10 out of 10 would not do that again it was rough was it hard to sleep? Yeah, yeah, I don't think I slept for like two or three days, but, like joey was saying earlier, retail therapy, literally behind my laptop. I've got five pairs of jordan's tattoos or another one like you want to talk about trying to make yourself feel good, I'm the fucking king of that shit man yeah, well, so what else? Is new man do, do you?
Speaker 1:want to dive into some stuff here.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah for sure. So the last time we talked I was in a relationship. Things were good and you know, like I've done a lot of work in therapy for myself and it was good, you know, I was able to set some boundaries, to set some boundaries and I I acquired the skill of not allowing her to make her shit our shit in the relationship. You know, and I was really good at like, listen, I've got my own stuff to do with, you've got your stuff to do with. I'm here for support if you want it, but if you don't, don't make your issues my issues, because they're not my issues. You're more than capable of resolving your own things. Please don't make them a relationship issue.
Speaker 3:And it was going really, really good. And then it just she suffered from BPD and there was kind of a fallout one day because I wasn't willing to be treated with disrespect and you know, therapy really came into play and she left and it was like, okay, cool, like I'm not going to put up with that Like I'm not, like I deserve more respect than that, Whatever and we had gone, no contact.
Speaker 3:And then I had seen her around town about a month after that and we had a very good conversation and there was a lot of closure and it had gone far better than I think either of us had anticipated and it was good and uh, yeah, life was good. And then over the past few weeks, man, I don't know, I don't know what happened or where it's coming from, but I just I'm starting to go backwards. You know, like I'm I don't want to say glamorizing the relationship, but like there it's a weird grieving period that came out of nowhere, can I tell you what it is.
Speaker 3:What is it?
Speaker 1:What you're doing is you're missing the person that you thought they were. The idea of them yeah, exactly, that's what it is, you know, and that's a big thing in when, like, people break up and stuff right is that they tell you then, you tell yourself they
Speaker 2:start missing the person over. I wish they thought they were or who they're gonna be, and if I only did this or showed up an hour earlier, this wouldn't have happened. And then it gets harder on yourself and that's when you start to break and that's where that emotion you know, that pain comes from, is you're telling yourself, and then you're only finding all the positives in the relationship before that like, oh, we were so good, well, but we were so good with this and this and this.
Speaker 1:But there's a reason that's where I'm at right now exactly, and we do that, we tell ourselves the stories right?
Speaker 2:I'll never find another one at I mean at the end of the day and I'm truly sorry that you have to deal with this and we know it all too well but there's a reason why you're not together and right now, in how you're feeling and when you're in that state of mind, in that zone of where you're at, in the breakup that a lot of people are get into, is you won't see it now, but I promise you this is your biggest opportunity and your biggest blessing, because this didn't work out and it's hard and it's and it's hard to believe, because you care about this person and you think, well, she was the one she wasn't the one, because if she was the one, she'd still be here.
Speaker 2:Right, because the best version 100.
Speaker 3:And that's what I tried to tell myself Like dude, if she really loved me, she would have stayed. Yeah, tell myself like dude, if she really loved me, she would have stayed. And yeah, like kind of going back to what you were saying earlier about like abuse in relationships, like I was thinking about as I was flying to get the, the laptop, like yeah, there's a lot of times where there'd be like physical signs of abuse, right like someone may get hit over the head with a fucking frying pan, but I feel like there's a lot of times where people don't realize even themselves in it. And I'm I'm one of these people and I like this isn't me playing victim card, this is just my experience. Like staying in situations like the one that I was in, it was an emotional abuse and it just staying in it, me staying was just fucking chipping away at me. So, so, emotionally, I didn't need to get hit over the head with a frying pan, cause I stayed, and I stayed when I should have left and I knew I should have left to the point where I am, where I am now and I'm not who I want to be right now, because I've I threw my whole fucking identity into this relationship and it's like, who am I now right?
Speaker 3:And I had posted a TikTok the other day about, like, like people say you got to love yourself before you can love someone else and that loving the love is an action word. Right, like I can sit here and say that I love myself. I went to therapy, I've done the work, I'm going back to therapy because obviously I fucking mean to. But, like, I can sit here and say that I love myself, but do I know how to show myself love in a healthy way here and say that I love myself, but do I know how to show myself love in a healthy way? Do I know how to build a healthy relationship with myself? Obviously fucking not, because I wouldn't be crying on my bed in the middle of the day, feeling bad for myself about someone I haven't talked to in four or five months.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I need to figure out who I am at my core and what I love for myself and what makes me feel good, even if it is buying, is for a short period of time to get me through a really fucked up period, for one is better than doing drugs, but two, I need to find healthy things to show my myself. That love and I feel like that's where a lot of men struggle is is like what's your identity outside of that relationship?
Speaker 1:you know, yeah, you need a it's. You need an outlet too, right? You know what I mean. Like you need something to get that energy out, if that makes sense. And what you're saying too, though, with the relationship, it sounds like it's almost like the army. She just beat you up, man, she put you down, took your self-esteem and just lowered it and then pretty much built you up of how she wanted you. Right, you're a human. A human punching bag is pretty much what it is a human punching bag. Yeah, you know, and that's a lot of relationships are like that, but at the same time and this is not taking any shots at you, but but at the same time you let that happen. So in some point of of your mind, you know, you, you, you lost yourself a little bit there, right, absolutely.
Speaker 3:And that's what a lot of people do.
Speaker 1:They put everything into the relationship and they forget who they are and what their integrity and everything like that right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and to be fair, I'm just as guilty of it as she was. You know, like it may not have been that she was a bad person or that I was a bad person. Just together we were not. It wasn't a good relationship, it was an unhealthy relationship.
Speaker 1:My sponsor's favorite thing to say is like I always find losing you a little bit there.
Speaker 3:Oh, oh, here we go. Oh, oh, there you are back.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're back, you're back yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, oh, oh, there you are back. Yeah, you're back, you're back, yeah, yeah, yeah. My sponsor likes to say this thing to me all the time. He's like, man, you always find these relationships where you're the fire and they're the fucking gasoline, you know, like they may not be a bad person, I may not be a bad person, but I end up in these weird fucking relationships where it's just like we feed off each other in such a negative way, like, yeah, like I'm not going to sit here and say that I was flawless in the relationship and this is a poor me victim thing. It's not. It was no, not a good relationship on both ends.
Speaker 3:But yeah, like my fault for my own safe, my own self and my own sanity was losing my identity in that relationship. Because when I like to be real, when I got into that relationship, man, that was my first relationship in in recovery, like getting sober, like it was my first sober relationship and I threw all my fucking eggs in one basket right off the hop and I fucking ran with it. I didn't give myself time to see how I fit in this world with this person. It was just like cool, you want to have great sex, you want to meet my kids. You want me to meet your kids. You want me to pick your kid up from daycare. You want to plan family trips? Fuck yeah, let's do it within the first three months, and you just lose yourself because you don't know how to coexist with this other person, and that was both of our faults.
Speaker 2:That wasn't my fault, that was our fault don't collect.
Speaker 1:You're talking about these relationships and the fire and the gas.
Speaker 2:Well, it takes two. You know what I mean is you don't attract what you want. You attract who you are, which means and listening to you, because I think you're an amazing guy, human being, we're friends and this is not a shot. But this tells me that you, like you said, you jump way too soon. You all the eggs in one basket. But for you to attract her into this relationship and to end up where you're at right now tells me that you still didn't fully heal and work on the things that you needed to deal with before you threw those eggs in that basket. So you ended up and you attracted this person who didn't deal with all her past shit yet.
Speaker 3:That's exactly right.
Speaker 2:Or at least some of it. Yep, so there was the fire and there's the gasoline, and it was. The gasoline is slowly, you know, trickling down the hill and your fire is burning's the gasoline and it was. The gasoline is slowly, you know, trickling down the hill and your fire is burning at the bottom and over a couple months, boom. And then that puts you where you're at right now because of it. So right, so you attracted that person and just like you said these relationships and I think that should really be a clear indicator to yourself.
Speaker 2:That means there's something more that you need to work on in yourself because, like you said, I can be a good person and I can say I love myself, because everyone will say, oh yeah, I love myself. Yeah, but do you truly show yourself love? Do you truly believe that most people don't right, because when they're by themselves and they just look at themselves in the mirror and they're all alone, man, they just they. They don't feel good, they don't feel good about themselves, they, they talk themselves down, self-doubt, all that shit.
Speaker 2:But, like we were saying right before you got to jump back in here, is building that self-worth and your self-esteem backup Because, like you just said, you started to notice these things or she was doing these things, and then you just let it slide. And you let it slide because you haven't built yourself up enough to be like you know what. I'm okay If you walk out that door right now, if you talk to me like that again, but you weren't, so you let it slide and, just like a lot of these people and the men we were talking about, like the people that I work with right now, it blows my mind.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm not allowed to go to the gym because there's girls there and they listen. I'm like what, like shit, like that. But it's because that's how they feel about themselves, right? So you let these things slide, because you weren't there yet on truly learning to love yourself enough to be like get the fuck out of my house. We done, and I'll be just fine, right, because you put it, because you put all your eggs in that basket, you dove all in.
Speaker 3:And it's hard because you know, especially when like you said, you're in recovery.
Speaker 2:So that was your first relationship in the recovery, and in recovery that means you're bettering yourself. You know you're not drinking, you're not doing drugs, you're talking to people, you're making yourself better. That's the whole point of recovery is to better yourself and fix past mistakes and be healthier. Right so in the recovery is building yourself up. But when that person came around, like the one that you just dated, you know people and we get caught up in it because it's new, it's different. She made me feel this way, or he made me feel this way. And that's where we get so excited that you go on, like you said, like hey, when am I picking up your kid from daycare? And we've only been on three dates. Because you're just that excited and you're just. You didn't take the time and a lot of people don't take the time to see and give it time to get to know the person, to see if that will actually fit your life, because we're blinded by it, right, because you're blinded by the lust and not the love.
Speaker 1:I love her.
Speaker 2:Man. You've known him for a month and a half. How can you actually truly love that person? Because they say you don't even and they don't really get to know who they really are, and they state you will see who someone really is in six to seven months, they say.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but a lot of us and that's what they said like the honeymoon phase is because it's all butterflies and I want to spend every day with them, and it's five days a week and three months later, or whatever that gasoline trickled to the bottom. The gasoline hit the bottom of that hill and three months later, how the fuck did we go from this?
Speaker 3:to this, Not even man.
Speaker 2:It's because you didn't have a chance to really look back at who they really are. You don't know nothing about their past and their real traumas, the only by what they tell you. Yep, so it's like again, you don't attract what you want, it's who you are. I'm not saying that it makes you a bad person. It's. If you are with somebody who is abusive and you're not, you still attracted them because you have other issues. You still have issues, right, they have bad issues, like way worse issues if they're hitting you and that kind of abuse, but it doesn't mean you don't have internal issues, you're just not taking it out on them. So you both have issues and you both haven't worked it out. And that's why both of you attracted each other, because, realistically, what's up?
Speaker 1:Well, let me ask the most important question what are you trying to do? What are you doing to get yourself out of this?
Speaker 3:Well, so the thing that we say in recovery is like man, I don't have the luxury of going out and having a beer, just sitting down having a beer, smoking a doobie, to just like decompress my day or all this shit going on.
Speaker 3:So the best way that I can do it is staying connected to people like my sponsor, to other people in recovery, um, and my kids. Man, but like you'd said it right at the beginning of the show, like boys, I'm fucking tired, man, like I'm tired of like by the end of the day, like going to work it's 30 fucking eight with the humidity here right now in ontario like it's disgusting outside going to work, coming home, having to be a father to my kids, putting my kids to bed at like eight o'clock and having no energy, not only emotionally drained from the shit that goes on in my head, but like just being a human being throughout the day. Like it's fucking hard, man, and it's tiring and I know you guys understand that, but I just like staying connected with, with my friends in recovery and my sponsor, getting to the gym when I can, just doing my best to stay present with my kids and staying fucking grateful, man, like, like I got to go on two field trips this week with my kids, my son's field.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I saw that was on monday and then my daughter's was today. Like dude, that's awesome, I saw that like they didn't ask their mother, like I, I fucking love that woman as the mother of my kids, but they didn't ask her. I'm not trying to rub it in her face, but, dude, like that's the shit that I dreamed of when I was still out there, using drugs and drinking, you know, and and I get to experience that now. So like fighting to stay present, but it's those moments where I don't have my kids, I've got nothing really to be doing.
Speaker 1:It's like boom, that's where it turns on and the fucking loneliness yeah, the loneliness when you're stuck with your own thoughts and stuff like that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, have you. Have you, do you journal?
Speaker 1:Do you journal?
Speaker 3:at all, I do, oh, I do. They're called nightly inventories, but yeah, it's essentially journaling, it's just like reviewing your day.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay, okay. Does that help at all? It does here. How about this, do you?
Speaker 3:I don't typically go back on it. No, I like I. So what I do is like I'll write them down and then I'll talk with my sponsor about it, like tomorrow, for example, like I'll write one tonight before I go to bed, about my day. Today was a dumpster fire. It is what it is gonna write it until now.
Speaker 1:Talk to. Yeah, of course, of course, I'm just playing, what uh?
Speaker 3:yeah, but uh yeah, so I'll talk to him tomorrow about it and then I yeah, I don't typically back, it's not something that I've really done.
Speaker 1:Okay, no, I'm just wondering cause, like, well, I would like, when I journal, I would look back like a year later and I'd be like, oh, like that was a hard time, you know, and I thought it was. You know the. And then now here I am. Actually, yesterday was the one year anniversary of my fiance's death, you know. So it's like you know, and a year ago, you know, it was a hard time.
Speaker 1:Now, where I am today is it's, it's a big difference, right, and it's it's good to, it's good to like look back and be like you know that hard time, but I got through it, you know, and it's it's good to to see that, to know. You know that you were hurting at that point in time, but now you know, you went and then you can read ahead a little bit and you'll have like a journal oh, I'm having a great day. You know, I smashed it at the gym, I did this, you know. So you can see these highlights throughout your life in this journal, which is magical actually, really, now that I'm putting that out out there, it's pretty cool you know, and you can use that as well as motivation, right, you know, your morning is a bad day tomorrow?
Speaker 1:I'm gonna.
Speaker 2:And when I was struggling with high anxiety disorder and depression, with heartbreaks and everything. I would write down even the same thing every night and it would be tomorrow's going to be better than today, and then things like that and I just started drilling that into your head. You know, and even that really helped me, to be honest, is sleep meditation on YouTube. Put it on, put it on the background, the sleep meditation. You put it on and you can hear it, but you go to sleep with that on. I tell you, it makes a big difference when you wake up.
Speaker 2:I can recommend some, even like I don't know, do you struggle with anxiety? Okay, yeah, okay, yeah. Well, the medication.
Speaker 3:I have anxiety like even a doctor will tell you it's not a medicated pill, it's gonna make you feel better.
Speaker 2:It does so much you. Also, you have to do other things to help boost that. So that's just. That's your base. But now what are you going to do with the rest? No, you got it right is you now have to refocus the free time that you have on the gym.
Speaker 2:All these things because I believe you needed to have this now, because you just said it earlier about all these relationships that you've attracted, and your sponsor says the same thing and that's an eye-opener. But now this last relationship was your breaking point to realize, like I'm not there yet, I need to still work on some things and take this time to be alone and take the rate of antidepressant in the world right parents doing things, getting out of your house and some days, like you said, you cried on your bed today for two hours and it was so hard to get up. I've been there, dude. I stayed in my room for five days straight, didn't go to work. I lost 30 pounds in six days, didn't eat and I, I feel it, man, I feel it, I get it. And then I screamed at myself one day. I'm like you, better get the fuck up. And I literally had to scream out loud to myself to get up and I put on a pair of shoes and I just started doing walks around the lake and hikes and anything to get me out of the house and start doing positive things and I started to build from there.
Speaker 2:But with what you're feeling and what you're going through is. You know there's there's nothing wrong with crying, you know, and a lot of guys hold that in. But when you feel you heal Right, you have to. If your body wants to cry, fucking cry. That's your body trying to release it and as men especially, we're going to fucking push that down. I'm a fucking little bitch. I'm not going to cry, especially over some girl man, you cared about her. It's okay to care about somebody. It's okay to tell yourself that you love them, even if you know that it was toxic, even if you know that I know I'm not supposed to be with this one. You still have feelings, you still care about the person. But in order to move past from that, you have to feel it to heal it yeah, right, but now that's in the past, because you can't let this pain destroy you.
Speaker 2:You have to let it drive you, because my last breaking point of my relationship, when I was in that bedroom, yeah, you can't turn that shit off, dude. I turned that into the. I turn into a fucking monster and I'm not talking about like a juice monkey.
Speaker 2:I'm talking like I was fucking head down six months straight counseling gym, reading books, fucking writing meditation, sticky notes. Fuck you name it, dude, because I refuse to ever feel like that again and I knew that that was my. That relationship was an eye opener for me, blake. You did it to yourself again because you didn't fix shit. You carried it over into this relationship and, as you carried, something that you probably didn't realize, you carried over that you haven't fixed yet.
Speaker 1:But now yeah what about your eating habits?
Speaker 3:oh dude, when I'm going through shit like this, I don't like I don't yeah I'm so bad for it that's.
Speaker 1:That's another thing, right, you gotta put good food in you vegetables, fruits, all that right. That'll help give you some proper energy. I, I know it, man, I'd be either. Eat maybe once every two days when I was down some people like I went, I think I went like three days, three or four days you know, you just don't want to eat.
Speaker 2:I lost, so I'm not even, I don't even, and I would be 190 something, two packs, and I went down to 163. You want the fastest weight loss diet plan.
Speaker 3:Heartbreak and cigarettes Right there.
Speaker 2:You will shed the pounds faster than any fucking Osempic. Fucking, you name it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm on right now, that's my diet right now?
Speaker 1:yeah, exactly, man. I want you to know, though, bro.
Speaker 2:I want you to know everything that you're going through right now, like everything that you're going through if you don't feel the heal, and that's why a lot of people hold on to you. You're going through right now like everything that you're going through is 100% legit. You know, like this is 100% legit where you're going through so like feel it, man, you gotta go through these emotions.
Speaker 3:You can't go over it.
Speaker 1:You can't go around it.
Speaker 2:You can't go, you can run from it as much as you want, but it's gonna catch up. You gotta go through these emotions. You refuse to feel that pain and I get it. It's the fucking shittiest thing in the world, but yeah and you notice.
Speaker 3:You know what I noticed, that I've done, that I'm trying to work through, is I've denied those feelings, you know like, tried to ignore them or deny, completely deny them you can't, man you can't, and I feel like that's.
Speaker 3:That's what's delayed this process, right like I feel like I'm breathing now like I should have fucking four months ago, right, because I was telling myself like she was no good, like I'm not in love with her. And it's like you just said, joey, like yeah, like I'm fucking in love with her. And you said, too, eric, like this is legit, like these, these are legit feelings you know if I try to convince myself that they're not real, then nothing's gonna change until I just fucking let them happen.
Speaker 1:And that's like trying to drive a car without gas man yeah yeah, you know you're like you. You have to go through it, man, and it's okay. It's totally okay, and there is no, there's no rule book or there's no certain way how to feel or go through these things. But just don't let the darkness take over.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:That's. That's at the end of the day. That's the end goal man is. You know, keep on living. Okay, you had a shitty day. You had a shitty day. Mark it off as a shitty day and start a start, a new one tomorrow yeah you know what I mean. Like it's, it's you, you're not dying. There's other people out there that are fuck it. They're probably dead almost in like two hours you know what I mean. Like there's people that you know way worse problems, ben yeah you know what of things.
Speaker 3:It's not that big of a deal.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean to you, because you're going through that, so of course it's a big deal, because people come into your life for a season. There's bigger problems Some people are not going to see you next year. I believe after everything that you said about your sponsor and all these relationships that you've admitted to always getting into, is this to always getting into? Is you know this person, so mark this off as a bad day?
Speaker 2:and start a new day Came into your life Tomorrow, man, to teach you how to love yourself. Right, because now this is that eye opener. This was the last time where you're just like I did it again. I've always attracted these women and now you're feeling it. And that's the universe telling you like, yeah, you're going to feel this one, but and that's the universe telling you like, yeah, you're going to feel this one, but this is your eye-opener, this is where you truly learn to love yourself.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, and I know it is too, because, like I, I talk to my sponsor about this, this situation, all the time and he always makes a joke because, like as sponsors, like we don't give clear cut direction, we give suggestions. So every time I call him about this shit, like I called him I think it was last week and I was talking to him about it and he's like man, we fucking end up here every time and you don't fucking listen to me. And he's like so why don't we try to change things up and take my suggestions and actually try to get through this instead of picking up the phone and calling her or going back? But you know how this plays out. You do it every time. It's the same thing over and over.
Speaker 3:And I did it with my kid's mom when her and I were in a relationship. Right, like I did the same shit until I was done. But I think you are right, joey, in the sense that, like this, this has been a big, because like don't get me wrong in the midst of all this, like I have done a fair bit of work, but now being done, like I would say the work that I did was a little bit of self-preservation work, now it's time to fucking learn how to love yourself, anthony time. You know it's time to to actually shine for myself.
Speaker 1:You have to mourn her like a death, and that's what it is and I'm not saying, like you know, fuck her, or anything like that.
Speaker 3:You know what I mean, or anything?
Speaker 1:not at all, but you have to mourn her like a death. It's a grieving process.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, and that's what you're doing, right now you're going something to you that might make it a little easier so you have to say that person is gone, she's dead to me talking to her, not not like I mean you
Speaker 1:can like At this moment in time if you want to be friends later, if you guys, whatever you have to focus on yourself.
Speaker 2:No, I know, but what I'm saying is something to think about. There's a lot of people when someone breaks up with you, they're in a better place to end this relationship than you are, because you didn't want it to end. That's why you're heartbroken. This person might be a little hard for them to view more than themselves.
Speaker 2:They're probably sleeping fine in a week, while you haven't slept in three months. We all sit in this because we're the heartbroken ones. They don't want to be with us anymore, they don't love us anymore. An easier way to try to help you get through the day is the way I used to. The way I do it now is you know, if it's two months later, whatever is, I'm feeling like this and I'm letting them live rent free in my head and I'm causing my own anxiety and I'm crying. And then I would think are they fucking crying over me right now? Are they out fucking with their friends and they're smiling and they're sleeping, they're eating. So why am I, when they don't want to be with me? But I'm the one that's suffering. So that's, it's kind of make it a little bit easier to think that, well, they're sleeping just fine, guaranteed.
Speaker 3:You know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, it's fucking crazy to think about how much power I've given this woman in my life without her even saying a word, like I haven't talked to her in yeah, two, three months, you gotta, you gotta once, and then, yeah, you gotta shift that energy.
Speaker 2:Let me ask you no, it's my fault, that's what I'm saying. How often do you have your kid out?
Speaker 3:It's insane that I've allowed myself to give this person so much fucking power Is that week on week off.
Speaker 1:You need to take that back and make that light again. You need that.
Speaker 2:Don't let these people take that light away from you, and how many days a week then normally would you have by yourself? Yep, is it like. So every week would be like four and fifty percent of the time so half the time.
Speaker 3:So that gives you four nights, exactly four nights a week. Give or take by yourself.
Speaker 2:Really dig in now with no excuses at all your children by yourself.
Speaker 3:So they just went back with their mom today. So I got them back on Friday and I got them for the weekend.
Speaker 2:At all. Your children are your driving force. But it's up to you to find that purpose now in you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you said you're trying to go to the gym. You're not trying anymore, you're going, that's it. You're doing your meetings because you got your recovery. That you go to that's a big priority on staying sober and we hope that you do. And we got your back.
Speaker 2:And outside of that dude the journaling Dude when I was struggling like that and when I had my breaking point, I'm like I will never feel like this again. I don't care how dumb it sounded and with the meditations or this I doing it, I did not care. I will try it because I do not want to feel like this. I'm going to get myself out of this and I'm going to push myself. Yeah, man, and use that pain to drive you. And I flipped that and I wouldn't be sitting here with the clarity because I live like, as you know from our previous stories in the show, I suffer from child abuse from five years old till I was 40 years old. I'm 42 now, but the last year and a half has been the most clear because I chose to take that time and, like I said, it's a lonely path for a while because you, you need to be alone to figure yourself out. You need to look yourself in the mirror, take accountability and play a part in your own suffering, or take an acceptance in the part of your own suffering and then be like, yep, that was me, I did that. No, that's why it happened because of me, not because of them and point fingers, like you said, because I know you're not doing that. But a part of that healing and really showing yourself how to love yourself is by doing the things to make you feel that way and feel better about yourself.
Speaker 2:If you're not a gym guy, go for a hike, but you've got to be active. You've got to write your things down Every night. I do the same for years. It, but you got to be active. You got to write your things down every night. I do the same for years. It helped me tremendously. You know, everyone has different little things. Some people do art, fucking yoga classes, whatever it is, because we preach it weekly. It's yeah, he likes his depression coloring book, what? Yeah, but hey, if that worked for him, right, that worked for him, it worked for him. Whatever that positive outlet is, you have to find it when you feel yourself laying on that bed and it might happen again.
Speaker 2:I'm sure it might, but when you hit that point where you're laying on that bed and you still got four hours left in your night until you're actually supposed to go to bed.
Speaker 3:Fucking yell at scream at yourself like I did, whatever it takes man as hard as it is.
Speaker 2:Fucking, stuff something in your face, even if it's a fucking half an orange something. Put your shoes on and walk out that fucking door. Do not stay in your house, fucking. Go for a walk. Start with that and just build that momentum right.
Speaker 2:Because once I started doing the walks, I'm not a nature, I'm a gym guy. I'm not a nature guy. But when I got out of that, I started walking around. There's a lake in front of my house so I started walking around, just walking. I'm not a fucking, I'm not going for a walk, I don't give a shit about that.
Speaker 2:But every day after work, when I started, that became my therapy and that actually saved my life, because I would run home from work, went in and cry. I just said, no, fuck that. Motivational videos, whatever in your headphones, fucking shoes on and start walking, start running, hit the gym, go to the gym twice. Fuck. I went three times in one day because as soon as I got back, I'm like no, and I would get anxious. I'm like, if I sit down, I'm just going to fucking feel sorry for myself when we start crying, I'm going to lay in my bed and do nothing. So I'd force myself to get up, and that's what you have to do, and that is the hard part in the beginning. But I tell you you will look back in three months. You'll be like oh, thank God, did we lose everybody?
Speaker 1:Oh, did we lose everybody oh no yeah. Lost connectivity. That's not good what happened.
Speaker 2:Hey, sorry guys, we just had a big computer problem so I know that it kind of skipped in this episode when you guys were listening and we apologize, but we are back. Yep, yeah, but you back, yep, yeah. But you know, we were just saying with Anthony here man is, yeah, you just take the free time that you're given and use it the best that you can for yourself so you can be the best version for your children. Because right now and we talked about this earlier tonight because I guarantee and I know you're a good dad and you love your kids and you went on field trips. Let me ask you something when you're on the field trip, were you actually present or were you struggling and your mind was somewhere else?
Speaker 3:with my son. I was, but today was not great with my daughter I mean mine, just hot as fuck. And I'm not making excuses, but, yeah, I could have been way more present with my daughter today, for sure. And it's not just fucking snowballs, right. And then that comes into place like oh, you're not, you weren't a good dad because you were feeling bad about this person. It's like what the fuck am I doing?
Speaker 1:but it's okay to feel like that because of what you're going through. I mean it. I. I understand, like you know the feelings because I get like that, but it's at the same time, it's okay, you need to feel these, you need to go through this. You know it's just shitty that it's, it's landed on that time with your kids.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean it's just it's, it's just a shitty situation. But at the same time, as long as you're navigating and not forgetting about them completely you know what I mean like it's okay to step away for a moment, you know, and have those thoughts, deal with that and then step back in there because, let's face it, man, you're like, if you, if you're just going to put this tough guy act on daddy's, okay all the time, you know it's it's, it's it's okay to step away, feel like that for a moment, wipe it off, come back, play that daddy. And if you have to again step away, again come back.
Speaker 1:You know, and this is like what I say to in all the time in all the episodes man, this is your lesson. Like Joey was saying, this is the lesson that you need. You know. You got to find the lesson in everything right and this is your lesson, you know, and it's a matter of what you do now with it. All your cards are on the table right in front of you. It's just a matter of which card you're going to pick up and which direction you're going to go.
Speaker 3:What did I say on my first episode? Nobody's coming to save you.
Speaker 2:Like I was saying part of that is being present, especially us who deal with these things and these traumas in our life and don't deal with it and don't hit is you're an example and it's not your fault, but you weren't are never present. We're there, we're throwing the baseball, we're going on the field trips, we're going to met, we're going to mexico, but are you there? You're not, because all you can think about is letting your wife down, or, yeah, all you can think about is, right now you're dealing with a breakup and that's weighing on you so that's all you're thinking about.
Speaker 2:You're not thinking about your kid trying to show you this new fucking science project, that science world or whatever on the field trip. You're not present, you're not there. You're there but you're not, and that's where we struggle the most is we're never there. Rarely is because we are battling ourselves every day with the struggles that we are going through and that backpack of bricks that we carry. Every fucking morning we walk out that front door. That's what we're focused on.
Speaker 2:So by taking this time now that you're given, without your children and without outside of your work, is you have to drive that into yourself and work on your core and what's going on on the inside. And it's a pain. And it's a painful road because you have to admit a lot of things you probably don't want to admit. And it's a painful road because you have to admit a lot of things you probably don't want to admit and you're going to realize things you didn't even know were there. By opening up, by talking about it, I'm like you know what? No, like I thought it was her fault, but the fuck, it was my fault Doesn't make you a bad person. Yeah, but, like I said, some people come into your life for a season. She came into your life to teach you how to love yourself. She doesn't know that, but now you do, because this is now teaching you to love yourself, because you have realized that I, fucking in your mind, I've done it again.
Speaker 2:I went in with the same type of woman and the same type of relationship that I attracted because I didn't work on myself fully before I got into this. You threw your eggs in one basket, thinking that this was it, realizing now that it's not. And now you're feeling some of the repercussions of those choices. And you thought you were making it. We all do it. We all think that we're making the right choices at the time. And that's where life comes in and be like no, that was a terrible choice and this is what exactly yeah, nobody goes into something being like can't wait to see this, fuck my life up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, I think, think about it this way too maybe you came into her life to change her life.
Speaker 3:Oh, hands down, man, I'll tell you she'll even admit it herself, dude, like yeah, I was in recovery when I met her, she wasn't. She is now and that's not my doing, but I brought her to her first meeting and like she's doing great in terms of that for herself, so so maybe then, maybe you know the higher powers that be, or whatever you believe in.
Speaker 1:Maybe they put you in, or whatever it is, or yourself put yourself in this position, unknowing, or whatever it may be. Like I said to help this lady, you know, and maybe and maybe you're strong enough and this is why you're carrying this weight and this is why you're going through this, because you're strong enough to go through this and you needed to go brought into her life so maybe that you're in her story make her realize you're at the end of the day.
Speaker 2:Maybe you're the hero just like she's now making you realize it, right, yeah, so there, there, there's, there's, oh, there's the reason why you got together, yeah, and then now there's a reason why you're not together. And now there's a reason why you're now given this opportunity. And when people are feeling the days that you feel and how you feel like when we felt, you don't see any of this as an opportunity. You don't see this as a blessing. You just see it as I'm fucking hurting. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I wish I could either be back with him. I want this pain to go away. I don't want to fucking cry anymore. But that pain is your biggest blessing and it is temporary because I get into. You went through heartbreak before. It's not your first one. Regardless, I've been through four or five in my life. It still sucks, regardless, because you're human. You love somebody. You love someone. It's over. It fucking hurts, period. The only difference is that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, yeah. It always feels the worst when you're in it too, like like I fuck. I made it through a breakup with my kids mom. I was with her for 13 years I was with this.
Speaker 2:Sorry. How long did you date?
Speaker 2:this one feels harder because I'm in it right now 100 like yeah, watching like two years, you're gonna like what was I thinking again, like you take this what you're feeling and let it fucking drive to turn you into a monster. It's okay to, because you're gonna. You're gonna have days where you feel lonely as fuck, 100%. I felt a lot of them, but then I just thought I'm like you know what, I'm glad nobody's phoning me tonight, because now I can do this. Now I'm not like you know what, I'm glad nobody's phoning me tonight, because now I can do this, now I'm not distracted. Okay, you know what. You don't want to hang out, or you sold me out.
Speaker 2:Good, I'm going back to the gym. That was my mentality then. After that, right, it's like no, that's good, I don't need that distraction then. And then, if you have to go to the gym three times, if you got to go, like I'm going to tell you something too that helped me. And at the time I'm like that's for girls. I don't know if you have it across Canada, it was oxygen yoga. It's like hot yoga, I don't know if you got it in Ontario.
Speaker 3:Well, anyways, they got hot yoga, not where I'm from'm from, anyways, I'm not from a small ass town.
Speaker 2:Look at my fucking wi-fi connection. Stretching and relaxation, yoga. It's not like you gotta bend because I'm not flexible at all, but I tell you I did that once a week or twice a week for an hour and you're just in that dark room with the candles and you're just relaxing, like just those kind of things I felt like a million dollars and that much better every single time.
Speaker 2:I walked out of there Because, like I said, as dumb as it was, as dumb as it sounds, and someone says that it helped change them, fucking do it All these little things, do it. That 75 hard that we talked about. Yeah, that fucking changed everything for me, because it gave me all these things that I had to do daily for two and a half months, not just go to the gym for an hour. Then I'm like now what do I do? Because now I gotta go work out outside, now I gotta read a fucking novel, now I gotta make sure I drink all my water, all this shit. So it just you just gotta find, and that may if that's not, the outlet is find something that you can focus on.
Speaker 2:That's an everyday thing. To keep your mind on track with these positive things, right. But when you're sitting there and you're having the days like you had today, man fucking scream at yourself get up. You are not doing this today. I refuse to fucking do this today. Get up, put your fucking shoes on and get out the door and do something. And you just and that's the hardest part but I tell you, man, when you start getting up, you don't go get yourself all these little things. Go yourself a nice fucking haircut, start feel a little bit better there. Hit the gym. You're like fuck, I I'm so glad I went and you were dreading even getting out of bed today. And then you went. You're like fuck. And then now you're building that momentum. It's the momentum first right, creating that habit. So that's the hardest part is the consistency and building that momentum Right. So that's what you got to work on, like when you don't have your kids. Because, like you just said, you were not present.
Speaker 2:that's the hardest part openly knew that you weren't present. Now that I've asked you and that's the biggest thing that we need to shoot for in general is when we're dealing with these things is you know, like I said in earlier, in the show is all everyone wants to be happy, but it's yeah, you have today. That's all your promise, that's all you have. But if you have a poisoned mind constantly, you're missing every day that passes you by, you might be living it, but you're not present. There's no clarity. You're coasting, you're existing, there's no clarity in your life, and then your kids will feel it, they'll see it, they know it.
Speaker 3:They know you're there and you might have a little smile like oh, that's great, and then you're back to fucking feeling shit.
Speaker 2:and then now you're just lost again for a minute like daddy daddy, and oh sorry because you're not there, because you're so fucking your fault you're breaking on the inside and you don't have that clarity in your mind to appreciate and see the day in front of you. So that's don't have that clarity in your mind to appreciate and see the day in front of you. So that's just. You know. But I wish you fucking do. We hear it, man. You use us as the accountability Dude. We'll call you dude, I'll fucking tell you, man, get your fucking ass up, because that's what you're doing today.
Speaker 2:I want a list of. I want the days that you don't have your kids.
Speaker 1:We will follow up, make sure you're fucking going to your meetings, you know just reach out anytime, buddy.
Speaker 2:I want it all. Uh, but no, for real though. No, but for real though, man, you know, or a sponsor. But we're your friends, man, and this is why we're doing what we do, you know you want a phone. You text me today, man, just to kind of vent a little bit. And hey, I appreciate that and I will fucking text back with you anytime you want. Anytime you want, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we appreciate you coming out even on so quick. On a note, we know it was a last minute thing and you came out.
Speaker 3:We were really thankful and it's a surprise at the end of the show.
Speaker 1:Man, it was fucking awesome. So I'm really glad that you know we chatted again nothing but love and for everyone else listening. It was fucking awesome. So I'm really glad that you know we we chatted again nothing but love and for everyone listening. That's new to the show.
Speaker 3:We really appreciate you tuning in.
Speaker 2:We are the show.
Speaker 3:Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2:Silence on men's mental health. We are raw minds. Hit us up at raw minds podcast gmailcom. Myself and Eric, we will answer all your questions and if you feel like, uh, you're on that edge and you don't want to wake up tomorrow, please reach out. We will help you. We will answer your phones and, uh, if you really want to even come on the show, let us know and share some of your stories that you know you might be able to uh help somebody else that's going with going through what you're going through. So, uh, on that note, I just want to say thank you again, anthony, and for everybody else listening on the side, check out my new fitness line, iron menacecom. If you guys can't find good people, be good people.
Speaker 1:Thank you, anthony. Appreciate it again, man. Always a pleasure. Like we said, don't put up with that shit. Smarten up, you know. Know, have some self-worth, you know. Get away from, uh, the toxic fucking shit, man, it's not worth it, you know. Your happiness is what matters anyways. Thank you again. We appreciate all of you. Be good or be good at it. Bye.