Thriving in the Beautiful Chaos of Special Needs Parenthood | Ep3

Have you ever felt the weight of the world on your shoulders, only to find that joy is a choice you can make every day? Join me, Dr. Deanna Iverson, as we navigate the often-overlooked journey of self-care for parents raising children with special needs. Through candid conversation and a sprinkle of laughter, we unlock a treasure trove of self-care gems designed to keep you thriving. From the importance of a solitary morning coffee to the joy of an impromptu dance party with your child, we tackle the full spectrum of well-being. Our discussion stretches from the physical—like the necessity of sleep and nutrition—to the spiritual and emotional, acknowledging the unique challenges and triumphs found within these extraordinary parenting experiences.

We also don't shy away from the tough stuff, acknowledging the real risk of burnout and the signs that it's time to refill your own cup. It's not just about bubble baths and journaling; it's about carving out space for laughter, intellectual growth, and maintaining the adult relationships that fuel us. I bring personal anecdotes to the table, sharing how adapting plans to my child's needs led to unexpected delights, and how saying no to extra responsibilities can actually be a resounding yes to your family's health. Whether you’re seeking solace in solitude or connection in community, this episode promises to equip you with an arsenal of strategies to maintain your spark in parenting's beautiful chaos.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

This program is made possible by friends and partners of the Special Parent Podcast.

Speaker 2: 0:05

I believe that empowering parents of special needs children is like giving them the superpower of unconditional love and unbreakable determination. They are not just parents, they are true champions, shaping a bright future for their incredible children. I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and I'm glad you're here. Hi there, everyone. This is Dr D with the Special Parent Podcast. I'm here today to expand upon the talk that we've had before about burnout and the talk that we've had before about self-care. Before about burnout and the talk that we've had before about self-care. So, again, that question we want to talk about is what do we do when we begin to feel exhausted, overwhelmed or burnt out? Step number one acknowledge that we're there, know the signs, acknowledge that we're there. But step number two is now. We're going to build our toolbox, we're going to build our resources and we're going to start to take care of ourselves as parents so that we can be better in everything that we do. So let's think about this for a second. If you've ever ridden on an airplane and you're hanging out and the O2 mask drops down well, it's never happened to me, thank God. But if it does ever happen, the flight attendants and the stewardess. They instruct you. First thing you do, you put your mask on yourself and then you help anyone around you your child, and you put it on them. Our children, children with disabilities, even neurotypical children. They have needs, they have unique needs, they have special needs. They have needs other people don't understand. That means we as parents, we also have unique needs and special needs that not everybody can understand. Self-care is not selfish. It's making sure that you are prepared to take care of someone else who you love and love unconditionally and just want to be there for. So you have to put your oxygen mask on first. So let's talk about some ideas. So, meeting self-care we're going to talk about first of all, physical needs. There's physical, there's emotional or social needs, there's intellectual needs and there are spiritual needs. So again I'm going to say physical, emotional, social, intellectual and spiritual. So life lesson your physical needs are there. We're not all gym rats, that's okay, but a little bit of exercise can go a long way in lowering your stress level. So you can exercise on your own. You could even put on some. They have videos on YouTube for kids to exercise and they're so much fun. You could get out there and exercise with your kid in front of the television and you follow this fun stuff and there's lots and lots of different ones that have, like I think, actually Yabba Dabba has one, and so your kid's dancing around and giggling. You're dancing around and giggling and you're having a good time and that's actually taking care of multiple needs Physical need, for sure, but there's the giggles with your kid and that's going to meet your emotional need. So that's a great one to have.

Speaker 2: 3:33

Sleep as much as you can Nap when your child naps I know they tell every first parent that, but as a child that has a disability, sometimes those sleep schedules are a little more awkward. So sleep as much as you can Remember. Eight hours of sleep is recommended, and that includes deep sleep, the snoring kind. So make sure to get that sleep in. Even if it's not eight straight hours, it's okay to break it up if that's what you have to do. So let's make sure we're getting our sleep in, because sleep is key for neurological and physical function.

Speaker 2: 4:13

Eating right I know that's a lot easier said than done. I love myself a good burger and french fries, but if I had that every day, that's not going to feed my body the way my body needs to be fed. Food affects mood, hands down scientific articles all over the fact Food affects mood. So let's cut down on our sugars and our processed foods. That goes for us and what we make for our kids when we can get them to eat things, because picky eaters sometimes that mac and cheese is all they can go to, or the chicken nuggets, or they're only going to like a certain type of french fry cooked a certain way. Oh, I know that. I've been there with my son many times. But you know what's interesting when you talk to neurotypical parents, they'll tell you the same thing about their kids at some point. This is one of those areas where special needs, disability or not. You can probably bond with some parents on discussions and ideas about this, but you you mom and dad you need to make sure to remember food affects mood, and so try to cut down yourself on those sugars and those processed foods and try to keep yourself as clean as possible with the eating, and that will really help you, probably with the sleep too.

Speaker 2: 5:28

Get or give a massage I know that sounds weird. What do you mean give? Well, if you can give your child a little massage, if they'll take the touch, sometimes that can help calm them too. Sometimes giving a massage to someone else is an opportunity to have a conversation. Maybe my husband and I one of the things that we tried for a while. Sometimes it was like, okay, we're going to rotate, we picked a day of the week. It was like Monday or something You're going to give me a foot massage Monday for 15 minutes and during that time we're going to talk. Next Monday I'm giving you one, and back and forth, and it just it became an opportunity for us to give to each other, but then also us to have a time to connect, and sometimes that time was just talking about stress, sometimes it was laughing about stories, but it was a really important time to connect.

Speaker 2: 6:22

Another idea for physical needs cuddle, kiss, snuggle, hug. That can be with your partner, that can be with your kid, whoever it is, but that is really important for our physical needs. As humans, we are meant to have touch. I know with autistic children that don't like touch, that can be more of a challenge. But as the parent, sometimes we still need that touch. So, even if it's, you know, do you remember pinky promises and pinky swear? That's something you could even do with a child. Maybe that doesn't like touch. Okay, just pinky, you know those kinds of things. So find a way that it, for example, if you can sit next to your child and your shoulders can touch, if you take a deep breath in your self-care moment, you know that this is that touch of love you can give us, that relax just within our hearts, within our blood pressure lowering, and just bring us a little bit of peace.

Speaker 2: 7:20

Take a hot shower or a long bath. Add a little bit of lavender oil or a special smell that just increases your relaxation or brings up happy thoughts or good memories for you. Have a cup of chamomile tea or warm milk, like a hot chocolate with some marshmallows. Now, I know I just said cut down on those sugars and processed foods. I go throw in some marshmallows, but every once in a while it's a little bit of comfort and that's okay. So have a cup of some chamomile tea, something to warm you, and then, like I think I mentioned on one of the previous podcasts, walking outside is so healthy for us Now, weather permitting of course, but long walks outdoors on your own or with a child in a stroller or a sling or anything like that, that is so therapeutic, Just being able to breathe in the air of outside, having the sunshine, even if it's through intermittent clouds on you, the sounds of nature, just giving yourself a quiet, peaceful time, not with music or anything else. The sounds of nature, they're so soothing. So those are some ways to meet your physical needs. All right, we have three more left to talk about, because I'm going to have to speed up, sorry.

Speaker 2: 8:36

Ideas for meeting your emotional and social needs. Spend time with friends, and I've talked in a previous podcast about dividing your friends up. You've got to have disability parent friends who get disability parenting. You also need regular old friends who just have neurotypical kids and or maybe no kids at all or whatever. But having different groups mean you get a variety to do different things. So try to have a friend in each group.

Speaker 2: 9:05

Spend some time alone each day, and the hardest part about this in today's world of technology is try to spend time alone in silence, even if it's just two minutes. Try to get start with just two minutes and just sit for a minute in silence. Wherever your brain goes, it goes, and that's okay. Whatever emotions come, you can figure out how to deal with them later. What am I going to do with this emotion? That's okay, but try to just take that break for yourself. Prioritize activities that make you happy. Happiness is a choice. It's not going to happen to you. It's going to be because you want it and you think about it and you work for it. So prioritize those activities that make you happy. Be creative and flexible about your social activities, because you do have to work around your child's needs.

Speaker 2: 9:51

I know that There've been times that we thought we were going to go to a barbecue with some friends and have this great time. And we get there and we couldn't stay. My son had a complete meltdown. We realized within less than 30 minutes we weren't going to be able to stay. So I was like, okay, so what do we do? Pack ourselves up. We could go home, we could be mad about it and we thought we don't want to do that. So we just packed our stuff up. We stopped I think it was Chick-fil-A. Might've been Burger King Again, let's talk about cutting down that processed food. We stopped, got some food and we went to the park and the park didn't and we went to the park. We went to a park in our neighborhood. They didn't have any other kids at it and we just sat on the grass and we ate and we let the kids just be them. But it was quiet, there wasn't a party with 30 other people, there wasn't that stimulation, and so, even though we did not get to go to the social event we wanted, we created a social event that gave us peace emotionally.

Speaker 2: 10:57

So get creative about those things and be willing to be flexible with yourself and your family and your child. You will find more happiness when you can just harness that flexibility and go okay, plan A did not work, but we can find a plan B, schedule time each day to talk to another adult. Sometimes that's not easy, especially if you're single parenting. That can be really exhausting. But when I say talk to another adult, I mean find time. It doesn't have to be the same adult. Maybe even have scheduled calls like okay, monday, I'm going to talk to this friend, tuesday, I'm going to talk to this friend. Tuesday, I'm going to call my mom. Wednesday, I'm going to call you know, a friend from childhood. Whatever, they don't have to know, that's your schedule, but you do.

Speaker 2: 11:39

This one is really important for your emotional needs. Allow yourself to cry. Okay, allow yourself to feel. I'm not saying if you're angry, you should allow yourself to go out there and rage, but allow yourself to feel the anger. And then you've got to ask yourself what's next. I need to do something with this emotion. Maybe I'm going to take a walk, maybe I'm going to write things down, but allow that and that's okay. This is so important for your emotional needs.

Speaker 2: 12:08

Count your blessings. They're not always easy to find, but if we start making a practice every day, maybe this is part of your 10 minutes of self-care that you do you're going to find 10 things you're just grateful for. Got ungrateful that today I got my makeup on. Lord, I'm grateful today that there was no traffic on my way to work or there were no accidents on my way to work that day. God, I'm really grateful that I was able to get the stain out of my carpet For us. One time our kid was on a feeding tube and he threw up. I never thought I'd get that stain out, but eventually it did come out. It was a win. So count your blessings. They may seem small, but they're there and they're blessings and they remind us to be so grateful.

Speaker 2: 12:57

Find things that make you laugh. When I turn on like a TikTok video or something like that, my feed automatically pops up like animals doing goofy things. I share it with other people and I giggle and I laugh, or comedians that's the two things that pop up, because when I go there I want to laugh. Find a way to have a weekly date with your partner. Now I know everyone's like well, I don't have a babysitter and you may not, so maybe your weekly date is you're going to wait till the kids are in bed and you're going to take 30 minutes, you and your partner, and you're going to have your cup of tea or your glass of wine or your crackers or your donuts or your ice cream, whatever it is, and you're going to go in your backyard and you're just going to be quiet together and there's no kids and you're going to turn your electronics off and you're just going to take time. Because if you still have a partner in your life and I pray that you do this is important to keep that support going. If you are a single parent, find a weekly date with yourself or with a friend and just take that time and notice that's more than the 10 minutes a day, that's a once a week, like 30 minutes or more.

Speaker 2: 14:07

Say no to extra responsibilities. 30 minutes or more. Say no to extra responsibilities. I think that a lot of parents of children with disabilities get in the practice of being giving because that's what we have to become, but we can't give to everybody. We have priorities, and so say no to extra responsibilities, all right. So we've covered two. We've got two left to go and I'm running out of time because I've promised you guys I'll keep these around 20 minutes or less.

Speaker 2: 14:35

Ideas for meeting intellectual needs. Intellectual needs are so important just to keep our brain young. It helps with memory and everything else. So maybe you need to take your child to the library or pick up something for yourself. You can listen to some radio programs, audio books, podcasts on the web while you drive, while you're at work, while you're in the bathroom. I listen to a podcast every morning while I put my makeup on. That's my podcast listening time. So yeah, I'm double dipping in the time sequence there, but that's what we got to do and it just rejuvenates, it gives me a plan every day. I feel like I've got today because I listened to that.

Speaker 2: 15:14

If your child is doing an art project, sit down and create your own art. I'm not saying you have to help them with it. Maybe it's a younger, older sibling that doesn't have a disability even. Just sit down next to them and do your own art. Just be creative in your own right. Some people, writing really helps them. I'm not a really good writer, but I know a lot of people that just they blog, they journal, they story and they get their thoughts on paper, their emotions out Really helps them to process through it all.

Speaker 2: 15:43

Watch documentaries on TV or in like DVD from, you know, netflix or something like that too. Documentaries can sometimes take us out of where we're at right now and either take us back in history or they can take us to space and we can talk about concepts that sometimes we forget are even existing out there in the physical world, and it can just give us a break from the stresses of right here, right now, in our home. Identify a project that would be challenging and rewarding for you. And you know, gee, I used to blog, I used to play volleyball, I used to draw a lot. Whatever that old hobby is that maybe you haven't pursued since your baby's birth. Maybe revisit that and see if that still gives you the joy it used to.

Speaker 2: 16:33

All right, so we've covered three so far. We've covered physical needs. We've covered emotional, social needs and intellectual needs. Last one spiritual needs. We all have a spirit. We are spiritual beings. What you do with that spirit is very, very personal. For some people that's going to be religious services. For some people it's praying each morning or evening.

Speaker 2: 16:58

Now, this is different than meditating. I've suggested meditating a couple times. There are a lot of studies out there about how meditating lowers blood pressure, that it actually helps reduce cortisol levels, that it actually can reduce cholesterol levels. Meditating is not the same as praying. Some people do them together and that's okay too, but meditating is just spending. I said, start with two minutes. Hopefully you can work up to 10 each day of just quiet, peaceful and practicing, controlling where your mind goes. Do some volunteer work. Help out with others when we help others and not the help of my child who needs me, but the help of Feed my Starving Children. Where I'm working with other people and there's hype and there's fun, those are good too.

Speaker 2: 17:46

Be open to inspiration and awe and contribute to causes that you believe in. Excuse me If it's something that's a belief for you, it's a great thing to contribute to. So every morning when your alarm goes off, or shortly after your child wakes you up. Spend one minute in bed deciding what you're going to do for yourself that day. Spend one minute in bed deciding what you're going to do for yourself that day. Start small, promise yourself 10 minutes a day and you're going to see some rewards. These rewards will be reaching out. It'll not just be you. You'll see it on your children and your family. That little bit of me time In review. You are a better parent when you have self-care, because that doesn't make you self-ish, it makes you whole spiritually, socially, emotionally, physically and intellectually. If you need some more ideas, please visit our social media page for some of the resources that I used, or our webpage, and we'll be happy to talk to you next time. Take care.

Speaker 1: 18:54

This program is made possible by friends and partners of the Special Parent Podcast. For more information and to join our mailing list, visit specialparentorg.