Turning Fear into Fortitude at the Doctor's Office for Special Needs Families | Ep5

As a mother of a child with disabilities, I've seen firsthand the tightrope walk of emotions that parents and children balance on when facing medical appointments. We all know that uneasy feeling in the pit of our stomachs, but for families with special needs, the anxiety can be magnified tenfold. That's why, in this episode, we'll dive into the very real world of medical anxiety, sharing not just the struggles but the triumphs of our Special Parent Podcast community. Together, we unravel the complexities of these emotions and offer a compass to navigate through them, transforming trepidation into a journey of informed resilience.

This episode is more than just a conversation; it's a toolkit brimming with practical strategies that I've honed both professionally and personally. We tackle the symptoms of anxiety head-on, offering empathetic guidance on how to identify and mitigate them before they take hold. I share stories of partnership with healthcare providers, building a bridge of trust and collaboration, and how the simple act of preparation can empower both you and your child. It's about changing the conversation from fear to one of growth and courage, where medical appointments become less of a challenge and more of an opportunity for strength. Join me for an honest and heartfelt guide to steadying the ship amidst the stormy seas of medical visits.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

This program is made possible by friends and partners of the Special Parent Podcast.

Speaker 2: 0:05

I believe that empowering parents of special needs children is like giving them the superpower of unconditional love and unbreakable determination. They are not just parents, they are true champions, shaping a bright future for their incredible children. I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and I'm glad you're here. Hello everyone, and thank you for joining me. This is Dr Deanna Iverson with the Special Parent Podcast here for another episode.

Speaker 2: 0:37

I have had a lot of parents ask me about talking about medical anxiety, so anxiety specifically related to visiting doctors. So that's what we're going to talk a little bit about today and we're probably going to need more than one episode to address this, but today we're going to kind of hit some good points. So for the question today have you or your child started feeling anxious about medical appointments and seeing doctors First and foremost? This is normal, no matter disabled, special needs, whatever that label is neurotypical. Even going to see a doctor can be frightening because sometimes, when you walk out of there, you learn things you wished you didn't know. I could have gone on not knowing that and I probably would have been happier. Or it sets you on a path and oh okay, here we go. Now I've got other challenges I have to face or other things I have to do, or you leave and you're like, woohoo, best health report yet. So going to the doctor can actually be very nerve wracking. You typically don't go to the doctor when you're feeling great and healthy, and that is why we start to get anxiety about it, because we're going, because we already know there's something up. So, knowing that, think about the fact that when you go to see a doctor, even if you're feeling perfectly healthy, new information can still be overwhelming, whether it's the amount of information, the way the information was delivered by the doctor maybe they don't have the best bedside manner and didn't communicate very well Whether that means there's going to be steps to follow up with, whatever it is, a new diagnosis even, or new therapies you should try. And the dentist boy they make movies about people afraid to go to the dentist right, that's a common one because our mouths are so tender. Oh gosh, seeing a doctor because you know you've had a seizure or you've had something else happen. So you're going in there, going, I need them to tell me something, and sometimes they tell you things you don't want to hear, or even as much as you needed it. It wasn't what you hoped you'd get. Or you went in there thinking you were just going to have a checkup and you left going. Well, that was not what I wanted to hear today.

Speaker 2: 2:53

So, looking back, one of the things I've realized I myself, you know, in my forties let's not tell anybody, keep that quiet but my son being 14, that has the disability I've been navigating doctors for a while and looking back I've realized that I made more of it in my mind than usually what it really was. Yes, there were obviously other appointments that were very overwhelming and I left. The thing is those stuck with me, and so every time I would go to any appointment, I would be prepping for that big emotion again, and that was something I was doing to myself. Now here's the thing I've got my kid in the car. We're going to the appointment. He's seeing me, he's hearing me, he's watching me, so he's probably reading my energy a little bit too. So when that takes place, when I'm anticipating and building for that, he's also wondering what's there to be afraid of, and that's building an anticipation for him. That's not necessarily the best. So when I look back, I realize that 90% of the appointments were not as scary as they made them out to be in my head because I was prepped and ready for something that didn't end up even needing to be. So what we can learn is that we got through all that. We're on the other side of it, we're stronger because of it, we know more and we still have more left to know. So if you start by asking yourself am I creating this to be a bigger problem in my head, then it even could be and this will give you extra stress, and we want to avoid this extra stress. There's enough stress out there to be had right. We don't need the extra stress.

Speaker 2: 4:51

So if you're not really sure, let's talk about what anxiety or stress symptoms can look like. So, first of all, they can be emotional or physical. Emotional stress symptoms are excessive talking, irritability, moodiness, anger, silence or shaking. You know like, oh, that goes under the physical, but that worried, shaking Headaches. So now we're going to move on to physical. Sorry, headaches are physical. If you're getting a headache before every doctor's appointment, it's probably due to stress, upset stomach, having to go to the bathroom or not being able to go to the bathroom. Sweatiness that could be sweaty palms, just sweaty in general, sweatiness, fatigue. You just get tired. You lose all motivation, all desire because you're afraid of what's going to happen. Restlessness or even trouble sleeping, whether that's the night before or the night after, and part of that could be because of that whole adrenaline rush, everything kind of flooding with cortisol and adrenaline, and then you could have this crash and take a nap and then you can't sleep that night and now your brain's going over everything again. So these are some of the anxiety symptoms, and that's not an exhaustive list by any means, but it's definitely a good one to start with.

Speaker 2: 6:14

So what do we do? I'm going to give you some steps here. We're going to start with step one. You have to start as a parent of controlling your own anxiety before you can really help your child control theirs. Ask yourself why we set the tone for our kids. So I'm going to give you tips in a little bit on how to work through that. But remember, we're setting the tone. Be honest with your baby, be honest with your kid about your feelings and then, the most important part, be honest about how you're controlling them. So, as you start to learn these tips that I'm going to go through here, get control of your own anxiety. You see the anxiety in your kid and you say I understand that's totally normal. I felt that way too, and then I learned this, and then I did this and now I feel better, I feel okay going to this appointment and I'm here for you. I'm going to walk you through it. So that's step one get in control of our own. Now notice everything I said there didn't happen immediately. This is practice, people, we got to practice this and we have to practice it when we're not anxious.

Speaker 2: 7:25

So step two start to reframe in your brain Ooh, I'm almost rhyming there. Reframe how you view appointments, because appointments can be opportunities. They can be an opportunity to build a relationship with a provider or a doctor. They can be an opportunity to learn something new. They can be an opportunity to actually get good news. So accept that many things are not always going to go as planned. I mean, heck, that's life in general. But once we accept that, it kind of reduces our anxiety. So our goal is to become a team with the partners of the doctors, team partner with doctors, make a plan. So our mindset here, the way we view these appointments, seeing them as an opportunity, team building, exercise with the doctor and our kid that's our mindset and that's going to take the anxiety away because we're part of that picture.

Speaker 2: 8:23

Step number three actually sit down and talk to your child and find out why they're nervous. For children a lot of times it's simply fear of the unknown or fear of a repeat bad experience. Typically it's those two things fear of the unknown or a repeat bad experience. If we can understand why they're nervous, we can help them process through that. Sometimes I have my son ask me almost every time are there going to be needles at this appointment? And there was one appointment that I was like nope, no needles, we're good. And we get there and we see the doctor and guess what they said oh, I need you to go down and get your blood drawn. And my son just looked at me. That doctor just made me the biggest liar on the planet and he didn't even know it. So I looked at my son. I said well, I told you no needles and I was wrong and I'm sorry that that was the way it was, but I didn't predict this.

Speaker 2: 9:22

So we have two options we can come back and do this again and get the blood draw tomorrow, or we can just get it over with. What do you want to do? I gave him a little bit of power and control in this situation and he actually chose to just get it over with. That was his choice. I'm already here, get it over with. He likes going to school, so that might have been a motivating factor too. I don't want to pull out of school two days in a row. I don't know if that really was his motivating factor, but I involved him in that decision. He had a little bit of power control. It wasn't. Are we going to get the blood drawn? It wasn't. Are we going to do it today or tomorrow? And so he still had a little bit of say in that and he accepted it and it was actually one of our better blood draws.

Speaker 2: 9:58

So talk to your child, find out why they're nervous, find out what it is that they're anticipating or they've got going through their mind. If your child cannot be spoken to or they cannot speak to you and have that level of understanding, then you want to do the next thing and you want to actually make it a rewarding experience. So step four though, before I talk about making it rewarding experience, step four is plan. You, as the parent, you need to plan for this appointment.

Speaker 2: 10:27

A doctor once said that the best way to help your fear and anxiety is to become educated. I read that in a book that I was reading for special needs parenting, and they said the best way is to become educated. If you have a nonverbal child, bring communication cards. Maybe they can help point at things, or the doctor can point at things to help communicate with the child. So get prepared for the appointment as though, again, you're on this team. You're on this team with the doctors and your child, and it's a team of three-ish nurses and everybody else too, and you're going to work together and be honest with the doctor. Hey, myself, or my child is super nervous today coming in here. If you're honest, sometimes that helps. The doctor just know where you're coming from. So Make sure, though, that what you do read and learn when you're educating yourself is based upon fact and research and not Google searching just random websites. So there are some that can really be trusted out there. If you're not sure which ones, I reference a lot on my website about different places that I get resources from, so if you have any questions, you can take a look at those.

Speaker 2: 11:44

So step five I talked about making it rewarding. Plan some distractions, something fun, either during, before or after the appointment. So my son and I have a routine benefits me too, I'll be honest. We have a routine of Starbucks or any coffee shop really, but he knows what he likes at Starbucks. We have a plan and so we say, okay, we're going what he likes at Starbucks. We have a plan and so we say, okay, we're going to go to this appointment, we're going to do what we need to do, and then, after the appointment, we're going to get our treat at Starbucks, and it does not matter what's happening after the appointment, we're getting that treat at Starbucks. We are not postponing it, we are not delaying it, because it is something that he looks forward to. So now we've paired an anxiety situation with something rewarding every single time, and he finds that to actually be motivating for him.

Speaker 2: 12:37

So find something to celebrate at each appointment. You've got to plan distractions for your child. And then you have to find something positive to say, because sometimes the doctors aren't really good at that. So if you come in and you're like, hey, doc, I want to start with something positive, let me tell you about. Or hey, doc, I want to start with something positive, tell me something good you found on that blood work or on that test result. Put them in the position of being on that team with you and saying, hey, we know that this appointment has some importance, but we don't want this appointment to all be negative.

Speaker 2: 13:12

So, finding something to celebrate, planning distractions, rewarding the appointment, you're going to set the tone. You're going to set the tone. You're going to set the attitude on the way there, when you're in the lobby, when you're talking to the doctor and when you leave. Your tone throughout the whole thing is key to your anxiety and to your child's. And the last step, step six, tell the doctors and nurses.

Speaker 2: 13:39

So if you're walking in and your child's super, super anxious, that should be one of the first things you say to the nurse when you walk in and you check in at the front desk hey, I'm here for John Smith. I just need you to know my child's super anxious or I'm super anxious about this appointment. Can you please let the doctors and nurses know so that they're prepared. Just be right up front with the person at the front desk. Again, this is normal. You guys, you're not going to shock them. They know what to do. They have been trained. They just sometimes don't always know they need to use their training. So let them know If your child has a little bit of control in that if they see the advocacy, they learn how to advocate for themselves and they'll have some more comfort. Maybe that'll encourage the doctor to let them examine tools or to ask permission. Or maybe the doctor will come in with a sock puppet. We had that happen one time. Woo, that was one of my favorite doctor appointments. It was obviously when he was much younger than 14, but it was a great one. So those are the ways that we can communicate. They can help us, because when we start laughing at that sockpot but our kid starts laughing, the doctor sees the smiles on her face. The whole appointment goes better, all right.

Speaker 2: 14:53

So calming strategies, things that you can do for yourself and also with your child to help reduce anxiety. So, first and foremost, if you are having anxiety and stress, you will practice these when you're not anxious and stressful. Think about it Sports athletes. They don't wait until the event to do it. They practice way more hours than they actually compete why? Because then, when they compete, they're ready to go. Things are automatic. They almost do it without thinking. That's what you want to do. You want to become an anti-anxiety machine and the way you become an anti-anxiety machine is you practice more hours than you play. So when you are not calm, when you are not stressed, you are going to practice some deep breathing. You can do the birthday candle, the hot cocoa breathing, the belly breaths. You can do tree breathing, bending breathing where you bend over and inhale and exhale as you stand up. Lots of different types of breathing techniques, and that's actually also addressed in my self-care.

Speaker 2: 16:07

One too Touch, and I know not all children love to be touched, but sometimes just the massaging of the fingertips. It doesn't have to be big If they don't like a big hand on their back that makes them squirm. Sometimes just little tickle on the hand or on the arm or on the knee. Joints are very sensitive. You could tickle an elbow. You know just that. Touch, that softness. Softness calms us. Stay joy-focused, talk about happy memories, watch funny videos. Pull up funny videos or TikToks or YouTube shorts or whatever of animals, little cute animals, or just make everybody smile. Because when you do those things, when you talk about happy memories, when you watch funny videos, when you do just the gentle touch, when you do the deep breaths I don't know, if you know this, you actually change your brain chemicals, you actually slow down the production of cortisol. So these are really important things.

Speaker 2: 17:10

There's also techniques called grounding. That can be with smells, that can be with breathing and feeling. Like your feet on the floor and your hands on your knees, it can be counting different things in the room, like count the number of tiles on the ceiling, count the number of Q-tips in the jar on the doctor's desk, whatever it is they're called grounding techniques that you can look up. Also, safe exposure, like anything you can do, kind of like the play idea, play doctor where the kids have the tools, a play idea, play doctor where the kids have the tools. If you can actually get some of the tools that are realistic alike not the plastic ones, but realistic more and you can have safe exposure and play with your kid, like why don't you play doctor with me, why don't you put the gloves on, and that kind of stuff, and that brings the anxiety down for your child too. And then come up with a mantra you are strong, you are brave, or the Smiths can overcome anything, or the Smiths are the doctor's best friends.

Speaker 2: 18:13

We rock appointments. Maybe you bring in chocolates to every appointment, or if your kid doesn't like chocolates, hard candies or something else, but you have one for the kid, but you have one for the kid to share with the doctor, to kind of create a bonding experience with him. So these are ways that we can calm ourselves. So just to kind of review a little bit, know and control your own anxiety. First, you're going to set the tone, you're going to set the example.

Speaker 2: 18:40

Practice, practice, practice calming techniques. Practice them yourself, practice them with your child and practice them when you don't need them. So when you do need them, they're more automatic. Plan ahead for your appointments and know your mindset, set your mindset, know your mindset about your appointments. You again set that tone. A distraction, a reward, a celebration, a positive. These are really important things to do for both you and your child. You will forever learn as you go. This is a process and so forgive yourself and don't be hard on yourself if you had to rush to an appointment and didn't get to do any of these things. Mom, dad, we've all been there. Life happens. You got this. So you're forever learning. Be gentle with yourself, because this is special needs parenting and this is love. Have a great day. Everybody, thanks for joining me.

Speaker 1: 19:40

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