Helping Parents Address and Transform Bullying in Special Needs Kids | Ep9

Navigating the stormy waters of parenting can be daunting, especially when your child with special needs is seen as the bully. The heartache and confusion of such a revelation hit me hard, just as it may have for many of you. Our latest episode is a candid exploration of the less-discussed side of bullying, where we unpack the reasons behind such behavior and offer compassionate strategies to guide your child towards empathy and understanding. From the desire for control to replicating observed actions, we delve into the roots of bullying and discuss how to be detectives in our children's lives, uncovering deeper issues that may manifest as aggression.

Unraveling the complexities of a child's behavior is never a straightforward task. This episode focuses on the transformative power of listening and the crucial role of schools in creating a safe space. We discuss how to address and redirect bullying behavior, emphasizing the importance of teaching consequences and reinforcing positive interactions. By sharing my journey, I aim to help you recognize the signs, engage with your child's experiences, and foster a nurturing environment for growth. It's about piecing together the puzzle of your child's world and joining forces with educational resources to support them on their path to kinder, more respectful social conduct.

As we forge ahead on this parenting adventure, we also shine a light on prevention, offering insights into how parental involvement can mold a child's behavior. We touch on the significance of open dialogue about tough emotions and the role of community in teaching perspective. By encouraging participation in social and emotional learning activities, we're not just preventing bullying; we're building a foundation for our children to thrive in every aspect of life. Together, let's embrace this mission to cultivate a world where all children, particularly those with special needs, feel valued, understood, and equipped to navigate the intricacies of their relationships.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

This program is made possible by friends and partners of the Special Parent Podcast.

Speaker 2: 0:05

I believe that empowering parents of special needs children is like giving them the superpower of unconditional love and unbreakable determination. They are not just parents, they are true champions, shaping a bright future for their incredible children. I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and I'm glad you're here. I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and I'm glad you're here. Hello everyone and welcome to the Special Parent Podcast. This is a podcast where our mission is to empower parents of children with disabilities to navigate the everyday challenges of life with hope and clarity, to celebrate the joys that come with raising a child with special needs. We're building a community of parents to help each other. So I'm really glad that you're here and you joined us here today.

Speaker 2: 0:53

Today we're going to talk about bullying, but we're going to talk about it in a different light that doesn't always get highlighted. What if I'm concerned that my child with a disability may be perceived as the bully to others? What should I do? It's not something anyone wants to hear. Any parent out there never wants to hear that their child teased, picked on, bullied, harassed. Anybody else Made any other child feel uncomfortable, intimidated. We don't want to hear that. It's embarrassing, it's scary, it can make us feel ashamed. I know the reason I'm talking about this is. I know how it feels because when it happened to us I was heartbroken. I thought why would he do that? And I had to back myself off a minute and go. I need to look at this from a holistic perspective and part of it is I had to first address how I felt about it. Then I had to address it with him. So there's many reasons that people and I say people because adults bully too. It just looks different.

Speaker 2: 2:11

There are many reasons that people, which are not always children, bully. Either they're trying to fit in or they want to be powerful in a situation. They want friends or attention. Maybe they've learned the behavior because they've been bullied themselves and they saw that bully as being strong. That bully was strong. That bully had something I don't have. That bully has something I want. I want that image of self-confidence. I want that feeling of power and control, because right now it's being taken away from me. Well, if I become the bully, I have that and let's be honest, that's not how the conscious brain doesn't go through all those steps, but that's what's happening in the subconscious and that's how the behavior develops.

Speaker 2: 3:01

We have to help them see that sometimes develops. We have to help them see that sometimes Maybe they just wanted the attention of family friends, maybe they needed that feeling of importance in their group, in their family group, their friendship group, in their classroom group. Maybe it helped them feel more assertive. Maybe it's just an impulsive behavior and they don't even realize how it's impacting someone else, and maybe they just absolutely don't understand that their behavior is hostile or how it's being perceived by others. So children with disabilities may not always know that they're the bully. They may not know that they're the one that's doing the harassment. They may not have a way to fully understand that, and so we can help them grow in that. And as parents, we can also help the community around our child and even the one that's being bullied by our child. We can help all of those parties involved.

Speaker 2: 4:08

When a disability impacts thinking, learning or social skills, children are going to need extra help learning how to express themselves with other people, and that could be strangers, family members that could be friends at school, that could just be classmates or acquaintances, as we would call them. So the key thing here is we need to find a way to support the person doing the bullying our child if that is the way that it is, without the judgment of it, because part of supporting them is learning what's going on. What's the underlying reason they're acting this way. So one thing, and I'm sure you've heard this before hurting people can hurt people Depression, anxiety, regulating emotions whatever the reason is, possibly we need to get down to what's happening with your own child's emotions. Maybe they need to learn self-care I've got two podcasts on that so far. Maybe they need to learn self-compassion, which is part of self-care. Maybe they need to learn how to regulate some emotions that they're having, like depression or anxiety. Or maybe they're just saying I'm sad or I'm stressed out, and when I get stressed out in class, I lash out and I'm the class clown and I kind of pick on the guy next to me because it takes the power away from the fact that I didn't get it, I don't know what to do, and it takes the power away from that. It turns the focus onto something else.

Speaker 2: 5:50

Another thing is ask your child for their story, even though right now you might be ashamed, heartbroken, embarrassed, which can lead to anger as a parent, even if you listen to their story and believe what they're telling you. For example, why did you do this? I don't know, and we as parents a lot of times want to be like how do you not know? Maybe they don't. A lot of times they haven't consciously thought through why they're doing the behavior, especially when you have a child whose disability impacts thinking, learning and social skills. They have not thought through this behavior. They have not thought about why they're doing it. So that's one of the things we can help them do is help them learn how to process and think through it. Is it coming from stress? Is it coming from wanting to belong? Is it coming from wanting to show off? Is it coming from trauma, bullying yourself? Is it coming from just low self-esteem, low self-confidence, and we need to help you with that.

Speaker 2: 6:57

When you ask your child for their story, maybe don't start off with why Start off with? Tell me what was happening in class or tell me what was happening at your friend's house. Tell me what was happening at your friend's house. If you ask for the situation more than the reason, the child can explain that and you might be able to be a better detective and deduce the reason. Explain what bullying is and how it can make others feel. Remind them of a moment that they felt that way. So when we sit down and we explain what bullying is and we can call it bullying, harassment, bullying is, and we can call it bullying, harassment, teasing whatever label we put on it which again, I do think it's best to put a lot of labels on it so that way they start to see it for what it is they might go well, I wasn't picking on him, but you were. Well, I was yes, and that was how did that feel last time you got picked on and situation oh and so you didn't see it as picking on him, but that's what it was. You didn't see this as inappropriate, but that's what it was. So if we explain it, sometimes that gives them a little light bulb moment.

Speaker 2: 8:13

So keep in mind the school is responsible for ensuring the child's safety while they're on campus and during transportation. That goes for both children the bully and the one being bullied. So if anything is happening at school, tag in the school. I would. If, if I haven't heard from the school and I know my kid's picking on another kid, I'm going to be the one calling the school to say hey, I learned, my kid is picking on this other kid. I'm working on helping my kid. Can I tag in the school counselor? Can I have someone reaching out to the teacher, etc. Can we maybe address this situation? I don't want this other kid to continue to get picked on while I help my child learn how to handle things. So tag in the school. They love prevention. They don't want it to happen. Build a support system.

Speaker 2: 9:06

Maybe the bullying is coming from an isolation. Maybe the teasing is coming from attempting to be a little bit of a show-off or a clown, because when people laugh they feel accepted. So they might feel isolated and just not be able to make friends. And so they're trying seems like they're grasping at straws or they're just plucking ideas out of the air of behavior. They're trying anything they can to be friends with someone and so it could even happen.

Speaker 2: 9:34

For example, my son was with a child who was younger than him, and by five years. Five years younger than him, which sounds significant, because five years difference when you're eight versus 13, it's a big difference. But my son mentally is not 13. But my son mentally is not 13. So he was wanting to be friends with and acting in strange ways, trying to get along with this other child and it made the child feel super uncomfortable. My son did not realize that and when he was told to stop the behavior by the older kids he cut that out. That's not appropriate. He was like, well, don't tell anybody. So once he heard it was not appropriate, now he wanted to. He was embarrassed himself and wanted to cover it up. So then it kind of escalated to the situation of, well, he's harassing my child. He didn't realize that's what he was doing. We have to teach that. So let's work through and teach these things.

Speaker 2: 10:34

A child may feel embarrassed by their disability and try to appear stronger. We can help them shape the behaviors we want to see with them when we reward the desired behaviors. Punishment has its place and I'm all for consequences and punishment when they're specifically functional. So let's call them functional. Consequences are more important than just consequences. Just consequencing behavior in general is not going to solve the problem. You want to reward desired behaviors and have functional consequences for other behaviors. Sometimes ignoring the unwanted behavior is an appropriate way to handle it.

Speaker 2: 11:21

Depending on the situation, functional consequences can look like extra chores. They can be repentance. I mean. Think of how hard it is to admit we're wrong. It's really no different for special needs children. It's hard for them to stand in front of someone and say I'm sorry I screwed up. So repentance, making amends, writing an apology letter those things are important. If it's anything to do with electronics, loss of electronics would be a functional consequence. But key thing about functional consequences is that the timing is right, so the child understands they can earn things back in days to weeks. Because if we don't give them the opportunity to earn it back, if we don't give them the opportunity to say I can right this ship and improve my behavior and earn back my privileges, then why would I even try? So functional consequences are consequences that relate to the behavior and that they're timed appropriately and that they teach another perspective. So apologies, positive play.

Speaker 2: 12:37

I read a story about a mom. I loved this one. Her daughter had kind of been a bully to some people at school and the mom knew the other moms and so what she did was she threw a party at their house. She organized this with the other moms and the only kids invited were the ones her daughter had bullied. And of course she'd set this up. It wasn't like it was, you know, surprised everybody. But she set this up and the reason she did it was she's like. You know what my daughter needs to learn to appreciate and respect these other people. They don't have to become her best friend, but she needs to learn to appreciate and respect them. She needs to understand how her actions impacted them and then she needs to be able to move on and have fun with them so we can have a normal situation. And part of that also was the mom took back control. The daughter's acting out was a little bit of a power play and this gave the mom back control of the situation. So these are really great examples of functional consequences that can lead to positive changes of behavior.

Speaker 2: 13:42

So how do we help prevent our child from either becoming a bully or, once we realize that they've been intimidating to someone else, how do we keep them from letting it happen again or forming a pattern of behavior? First thing is keep children engaged. When children have low self-esteems, that leads to a need for power and control. If they are seen as bad, it's better than not being seen at all. So keep them engaged so that they have things to do, have things to talk about, have things they feel confident in doing. Talk to your children constantly, normalize topics, normalize bullying, normalize teasing all those things. We talk to our kids constantly about a lot of different topics, and it's simply to create the fact that talking about things is good and normal.

Speaker 2: 14:40

Your children should have chores, jobs, duties. This gives them a purpose. It gives them a sense of importance. I can tell you special needs or not. My kids tell me all the time. Why do I have to do this? Oh, I love you child. You have to do it because you're part of the family and we, as family, work together to make this house run. Will you please go pick that up over there? I didn't make the mess. I didn't ask who made the mess, that wasn't the point. But it's a need in our household and I need you to do it. So chores, jobs, duties, responsibilities are so important for them to learn, just to function as a family, just to function in their job. Oh, I see a need at my job. I'm going to go do that. That's what we're teaching them and that makes them feel confident. They have a purpose, they have a sense of importance. When all of that takes place, I don't need to try to seek attention from other people For your child that is disabled. Please talk to them about the disabilities and the different challenges. That should be normalized too. We need to implement social, emotional learning activities with our kids Activities and interactions that are social, and activities and interactions that practice emotional regulation and give us a toolbox of things to do when we're frustrated. That way we don't act out.

Speaker 2: 16:12

So involve the school was one of the other things I talked about. Get the details from the school, ask if they have suggestions, help them guide your child. If the school's not being helpful, go to the outside source. Typically, the school is ready to tag in. They will help your child own their behavior, or you should help your child, excuse me, you should help your child own their behavior. Hey, buddy, you did this. It made the other person feel this way.

Speaker 2: 16:42

So now the consequence is you're not invited to the birthday party because they didn't like the way you made them feel. Don't let them go. Well, that's just my mind. Nope, you don't get to be angry about it either. You need to start looking at what it is you did. And again, we're talking about a specific situation where a child has been teasing, making fun of, bullying or harassing another child and that is the reason that they're no longer invited. Now, if they're not invited because of their disability or because of something else. That's a different story and that's not what we're talking about here. But I think it's important to help them own their behavior by saying this consequence is related to your behavior and I, your parent, think it's reasonable. My heart breaks for you, but it's reasonable. Ask a school counselor to meet with them regularly and discuss or have social emotional lessons with them. Help them learn perspective, encourage involvement in like clubs, friendship clubs, special Olympics, clubs that they can be involved in, that are appropriate for their skill level, their mental ability level. This pairs them up with other students and that helps them learn perspective.

Speaker 2: 17:56

Sometimes, like this was a really great thing. My son was at junior high and he absolutely is passionate about baseball and the eighth grade baseball team adopted him as their manager. So we brought every baseball team, we brought Gatorades and granola bars or some drink and treat kind of thing every time and the parents kept saying, oh, you don't have to do that, you don't have to do that. And I know we didn't have to do that, but they adopted him as manager and they let him go out there every once in a while and catch a ball bat. He practiced with them. He felt like he was one of the team, even though he actually didn't get to play in the game, and it was amazing amazing for my son, but also amazing for all the kids on the baseball team, because it created a community around him. So tag in the school, see what they can do to help. So last minute tips and tricks here First and foremost, listen to your child and start a regular dialogue.

Speaker 2: 19:00

If they are the one that is doing that bullying, there's a reason. Help them find it. Talk to a professional counselor. There could be some serious distress happening in your child and maybe you can't get down to what that is. But a counselor can help organize and rename emotions. They can help children process through things and maybe get down to the why without having to ask that question, because, again, children don't know the why if you just ask why. So we're going to make a regular dialogue and, if we need to, we're going to tag in a professional counselor to help us build that self-esteem. Tip and trick build a community. Get a group of people around your child who they feel safe and secure with Encourage, honesty.

Speaker 2: 19:50

Do not punish your child when you are having those regular dialogue conversations Be direct and honest.

Speaker 2: 19:57

You can let them know your thoughts and your feelings, but you don't want to discourage their honesty by punishing them for something they tell you.

Speaker 2: 20:07

So encourage that and be a part of that discussion with them.

Speaker 2: 20:12

Finally, be really careful on how you joke and talk when you're around your kids, how you perceive others as weak or strong or label them, and what shows and entertainment you watch.

Speaker 2: 20:27

Because when we laugh at behaviors, sometimes our kids go out and do those same behaviors and it may have been in the context of a joke and on a TV show that everybody would have laughed at, but then in the real world, especially children with special needs and disabilities, that impact thinking, learning and social skills. They don't understand that it's not appropriate and it was just funny on TV because we know in our heart of hearts nobody got hurt. However, if we joke and talk about it, if we watch shows and laugh about it, or if we give them the perception that other people are weak and strong, that's what they're gonna adopt and carry forward. Thank you so much for joining me here today. This is what special needs parenting is all about. It's about spreading love, gaining community and bringing awareness, understanding to the conversation. I'm so glad you've joined me here today and I look forward to seeing you again.

Speaker 1: 21:26

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