Empowering Friendships: Navigating Social Interactions for Children with Special Needs | Ep14

How can you empower friendships for children with special needs and make their social interactions more enriching? On this episode of the Special Parent Podcast, Dr. Deanna Iverson guides you through the intricate journey of building meaningful relationships for special needs children. You'll learn how explaining meltdowns and unexpected behaviors in relatable terms can foster empathy and understanding among peers. Discover effective strategies to prevent fear and teasing, and how to encourage other children to seek help and view different behaviors with compassion. Your response as a parent plays a pivotal role in shaping how others perceive and interact with your child, and this episode provides actionable insights to help you navigate these challenges.

Developing patience and understanding is crucial in nurturing friendships, especially when special needs are involved. Dr. Iverson discusses ways to teach children patience, such as encouraging questions and creating proactive action plans. Emphasizing the importance of respecting differences while highlighting similarities, this episode is a treasure trove of strategies to build strong, healthy relationships. We also touch upon coping mechanisms for when family and friends distance themselves, transforming this emotional journey into a learning opportunity. Tune in for a heartfelt conversation aimed at creating an inclusive environment of respect, empathy, and mutual support.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

This program is made possible by friends and partners of the Special Parent Podcast.

Speaker 2: 0:05

I believe that empowering parents of special needs children is like giving them the superpower of unconditional love and unbreakable determination. They are not just parents, they are true champions, shaping a bright future for their incredible children. I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and I'm glad you're here. I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and I'm glad you're here. Have you ever wanted to help other friends and family members, learn to be friends with your child who has special needs? When we have a child who has unique needs, it's sometimes hard for them to create friendships, and that's the question we're going to tackle today on the Special Parent Podcast. Welcome, I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and I'm so glad you're here to join me today. Our goal as parents when it comes to friendship is to help strengthen the interactions with friends and family around us and around our children. I've heard many discussions between parents where they'll talk about you know there's a disabled child in my child's classroom or in our family or in my neighborhood, and I want to know how I can help my child be more friendly. Sometimes, maybe, we're uncomfortable or my child doesn't know how to respond to something, and I really wish that there was a way that I could help my own child know how to respond to something, and I really wish that there was a way that I could help my own child. So, as special needs parents, we have a unique challenge and task that's put on us, and part of that is to help other people. We can learn to help other people with how to develop relationships and friendships that are unique in nature. I have the blessing of being able to read this book called Becoming Brave Together, and so many of the parents talk about the importance of building friendship into family and being able to get together with people that understand and can work with their child. Sometimes people have a heart and want to do that. We just have to guide them on how to get there. Because they want to do it, they just may not know exactly what steps to take. Before we became parents, we probably imagined certain circumstances or we had visions of the way our family was going to go, and when you have a special needs child, that vision can change, and that's one of the things they address in Becoming Brave Together is they address how these changes are something that we, as parents, can embrace and grow through and grow with. So today we're going to talk about how we can help other children, friends and family become friends with our child with special needs.

Speaker 2: 2:40

This is going to be a two-part series, so pay attention for the second part. This is part one. First and foremost, we have to help other parents and other children sometimes prepare for the unexpected. Of course, all relationships have unexpected twists and turns. However, when your child has special needs, sometimes they seem to be more alarming or more scary to other people, especially to children. So, for example, prepare your child for the unexpected.

Speaker 2: 3:12

Prepare a child that's going to be friends with and play with some of the special needs, that some of the behaviors might seem a little odd or awkward, but that's okay. And how are we going to work with it? So, for example, there might be meltdowns or tantrums when a child that doesn't have special needs doesn't understand why that's happening and they don't always have to understand it. So trying to explain it away doesn't always help another child understand it Until we say you know what? They just were feeling really overwhelmed. Have you felt overwhelmed before? And they'll probably say, well, yeah, or have you felt super stressed, or have you felt super sad. So that's where that tantrum came from and I know it kind of took you off guard. So this is the way we want to handle it next time, and so we can talk with kids through that. It could be that they actually behaved inappropriately. It could be that they said some unexpected things. Oh, you heard them say that or act that way. That would be super confusing for you. I can understand that. So let's talk about how I want you to handle it next time something like that happens. One of the things we're doing there is we are empowering other children with the ability to have an answer for something that might seem strange. To let them know that strange is sometimes okay in certain safe circumstances, and I'm going to empower you with a path what to do when that behavior takes place.

Speaker 2: 4:42

Other children can misunderstand reactions and that can also induce teasing or fear. So one of the things that we want to do is, rather than try to necessarily explain all actions away, we can just simply say no, I understand why that action is confusing to you. However, what we can do is, instead of making fun of, we can say you know how, sometimes, when we adults even don't understand someone's behavior, we can just simply remove ourself from the situation and go ask someone else for help or go talk about it with someone who's trusted. What we want to discourage them from doing is fear leads to teasing. We don't want to give into that fear. We don't want to give into that feeling of it's okay to see this as weird and strange and we need to stay away from this child. Nope, we're going to say, yeah, it's different than what we're used to and expecting, but it's nothing to be afraid of and this is how we're going to handle it. But it's nothing to be afraid of and this is how we're going to handle it.

Speaker 2: 5:46

Also, we want to help children develop an understanding or an attitude of what is happening and not allowing a certain circumstance or a behavior meltdown, tantrum to actually modify their opinion of their family member or peer. And that's going to happen because of how we as parents respond to it. So we can be in a community with other parents and be teaching them and talking to them about how they can work with their child and let them know yeah, it is for me, as a parent, frustrating when my child has that tantrum. I know how that is. Sometimes. We always feel like we're never out of those toddler years. However, what I have found is that when I work with my child in this way, it really, really helps. And so sometimes again, that empowering that gives someone else a tactic or a tip, something they can use, a way they can respond, and that helps other parents as well, as then their children learn to not see a singular behavior, even if it's a repetitive behavior, a singular behavior change the complete opinion of a whole child and say, no, this child still is loving, this child still wants friends, this child still wants that inside ache for just belonging that we all have, and so we can all help that happen by the way that we interact with that child and the way that we sometimes are graceful and forgiving with some of those behaviors. We as special needs parents know that we're constantly working on those kinds of things.

Speaker 2: 7:21

But sometimes parents on the outside don't see the work that we're doing because we're not going. For example, public punishment is not always the best way, right. We do a lot of the work in private or with therapists or with outside agencies or in-home behavioral analysis, et cetera. So they may not know what we're doing and maybe it's a good idea to explain it to them, maybe it's not. You have to know your family and friend group the best. On that one.

Speaker 2: 7:49

I have explained it to some people and it's created this deeper level of understanding and appreciation and respect for what our family is going through. And then they're way more graceful and willing to work with our child and they explain to their child oh, you know what? This is something they're working on correcting. You know how the other day you did da-da-da-da-da and dad and I said that was a bad idea. This is the same thing. They did this. Their parents are going to talk to them about it. So it gave those parents an opportunity to normalize a behavior and say it's not something we need to be concerned with, we just need to move on the following ways but I've also had situations where I've explained what everything we're going through and I've had people say, well, either that's not enough, they come from a place of lack of understanding on that one, obviously.

Speaker 2: 8:38

But I've also had people then be critical of it. Well, why would you do that therapy? Or why did you think that would work? Or did you think that was a waste of money? So it's the opposite of supportive, it's more critical. Or you tell them you've been in therapy and they say well then, you should have known this behavior was going to happen. Why didn't you protect the group you were around today, or the kids at the playground from having to have your child see this meltdown? And so you have to know your friendship group, and sometimes you learn that through, unfortunately, the hard knocks. But as you get to know who are going to be your friends that become your family and your family that stick with you, this is one of those ways you can do it. Do I explain it to them and are they going to be receptive? Or when I explain it, are they not? So that's one of the hard things we have to juggle as parents. If you have any questions about that, reach out to me. No-transcript. All right, so back to what we were talking about.

Speaker 2: 9:42

We can help prepare the child for the unexpected behavior of a special needs child. Another thing we can do is we can help them understand and recognize limitations. All human beings have limitations. We know that, but sometimes we tend to forget it and we expect out of others things that they can't give. This can happen in special needs relationships also. So when we recognize the limitations of children with special needs, what we're doing is we are saying, okay, you are going to play with Jimmy, and Jimmy is unable to play in a certain way because of a physical need or a sensory need or whatever it is, and so we try to explain that to the child, not over explain it, because we're talking to children and we don't want to overwhelm them with things. That maybe gets them more confused and just feel uncomfortable being around the other child. But we can say, hey, here are their limitations, here are certain conditions that you need to be aware of that we can. And we can say, hey, here are their limitations, here are certain conditions that you need to be aware of that we can and we can't do. And then we follow that up with. But here are some really amazing things that we are going to do and this is how we are going to have fun with Jimmy.

Speaker 2: 10:58

It's okay to see limitations. There's nothing wrong with pointing them out. When we point them out in others, we should be fair and teach our children to recognize some in ourselves. And then what we say is we then were put on this earth to work as a team together. None of us are intended to be solo. We are always better together when we give other people grace for their limitations, because our strengths are going to help them and their strengths are going to help us.

Speaker 2: 11:29

So one of the things that we do with that is we say all right, for example, my older son takes my middle son, who has special needs, more severe needs, takes him playing baseball with his friends and he just set up with his friends ahead of time hey guys, we want to have a fourth person or a sixth person I don't remember how many it was to play with us. My brother loves this sport, but he's got some physical limitations. So since we're just going out there to have a good time and play, I'd like to bring him along. It would mean a lot to him. We just sometimes have to remember that maybe he can't throw the ball as far or run as fast because of some of his physical limitations. We may have to help him remember how to get around the baseball field or those kinds of things. And my older son's friends were like, yeah, that's cool, that's fine, and now this is something that they do frequently. And it was only that way because my older son decided to just reach out to his friendship group and say, hey, for this circumstance, I'm bringing my brother, and they accepted him. And now our middle son feels really accepted and really a part of that community and he feels like he has friends that are older you know older siblings, in a sense, to look up to. He's got a part of that community and he feels like he has friends that are older you know older siblings, in a sense, to look up to. He's got a bunch of those older kids that he can look up to. And that was because it was okay to talk about limitations, because we all have them and we normalize the fact that limitations are the reason we need to grow in community together, so that way everybody's strengths can combine together to overcome some limitations and we can all grow stronger through that. All right.

Speaker 2: 13:10

Another thing we have to teach patience. Patience is something that is really hard to do. We as parents struggle with it so much. Oh my gosh, I know that I do, and so can you imagine it's hard enough to get a child to just wait five minutes when they want to do something and they're antsy and they're dancing, but now you're going to ask them to be patient with another child. But it is such a wonderful growing opportunity so it can take longer for that peer or that family member with special needs. It can take longer for them to learn a skill or a task or to adopt a new behavior. So if we just teach patience and the importance of repetition sometimes to other children I know you've said that three or four times You're probably gonna have to say it three or four more. However, think of how much more fun you're gonna have once we finally get there and then reward them for the patience. I see that you have really tried four times. It's okay to take a break. Let's take a break. And here's a Hershey's kiss or here's something that maybe will mean something to them. Here's a sticker, or maybe for them it's just simply that praise and that big hug and how proud you are of them.

Speaker 2: 14:18

So if we can teach them patience, part of that patience is saying that it is okay for children to ask questions. They fear what they don't understand. We all do. We all fear what we don't understand. So let's create an understanding rather than foster a fear. So it's okay for them to ask questions. It's okay to develop an action plan when interacting with a peer or family member and saying hey, I see that you struggle in this area, because when you're playing with Jimmy, I don't know why I picked Jimmy today. Sorry to any Jimmys out there. When you're playing with Jimmy, you struggle in this area and I know that you're just going to be stronger by overcoming it. I'm super proud of you for even trying. So what we're going to do is, when you start noticing your struggle, we're going to take the following steps and you can walk them through, creating an action plan. Again, that empowering when we do not fear something because we have a greater understanding for it, because we know we are safe to ask questions about it, because we know we are safe to respectfully say hey, I noticed they can't do that. Okay, all right, let's talk about why they can't, or let's figure out a way then that we can work around that inability. When we can do that, we create respectful boundaries, healthy boundaries that benefit both children and then therefore benefit both families. So when we create these open spaces for children to communicate with us as the special needs parent, without any fear, or with their parent to parent, without any fear of feeling like I didn't want to talk to you about it because I didn't know how you would respond if I said I don't think your child can do this, when we create the open communication style, we are creating situations where we can build strong relationships and have good relationships with both friends and family, and friends that can become family.

Speaker 2: 16:24

Another thing to start teaching children when they're really young all children is everyone is unique. We are all different in our own ways. We all have strengths, we all have challenges and some differences are just more noticeable than others and some of them aren't noticeable until they're to notice an explosion of a behavior. For a child that appears to be doing things I hate the word normal, but normal in this case and to other children it's startling but that's okay because it's unique. So we talk about safety and situations and we talk about embracing those differences, finding a common ground, saying to a child without special needs you're right, that is different than you see in some of your other friends and then a lot of your other friends, and that difference does make things more challenging in these ways. Now let's talk about some of the things you guys really like to do together and those are ways that you can grow your friendship. Remember, not all friends are great for all situations and children can learn that at a young age. They can learn that they're going to have some friends that maybe they go outside and play sports with, and other friends that they stay inside and play video games with, and some friends that might like to play chess, and some friends that might like to do puzzles, and some friends that might like to color, and it's okay for them to vary what they do depending on who that they're with, and that's what teaching everyone is unique is about. Special needs or special abilities fall in that category, and so we can teach it, just like we can teach someone who is a sports person versus someone who is more really enjoys to read and do puzzles. Those are unique abilities, and special unique abilities is just a different category, and so if we can normalize that for children, that will help all of them along.

Speaker 2: 18:14

Focus on similarities that's a key one. So we really need to focus on ways that kids can be similar, and I think I've mentioned that a couple of times already. Since we all are unique, we have family and friends for different reasons and different seasons. Sometimes we need a friend to just be there and listen and hold us while we completely let out an emotion Maybe that's crying, maybe that's anger or whatever it is and then they're going to be the friend that's like all right. Well, now that you got that out, what are you going to do with it? And they're really straight up and forward. Or you might need that friend that afterward just kind of is like I got you, let's go on a walk, let's be in nature, let's. Some friends are going to say let's go catch a cocktail. You know, everyone's got their way of dealing with things. Focus on those similarities and teach your kids. Just like you have friends for different seasons and reasons, so can they. Focusing on those similarities will teach them to connect with peers and family members with special needs. And again, unique experiences, unique abilities are found in everybody and so if we focus on similarities, sometimes we take the focus off what they can't do and put it on what they can do and how they can be a good friend to us too.

Speaker 2: 19:28

It is okay to set up specific times for interactions. Setting up specific times without expecting your child to always invite every friend to every event is okay. And saying, in fact we had this situation A friend had a birthday party and our one son wasn't invited because of what was going on at the birthday party and the group of people. But then that same friend said, hey, we're gonna do this other party, but then the next day we'd love to have you guys over. And they planned something special for my son with special needs to be able to still have fun with his friend, who was in a normal friend group for the most part. But my son still felt very included, very much wanted as a friend, and for him it didn't matter that there were separate parties, it just mattered that he was part of one. And so when we talk to them about hey, I understand that there's a birthday party coming up and I know that you didn't send an invite to Jimmy Sorry again to Jimmy's out there.

Speaker 2: 20:30

I was hoping maybe we could get together and have some special time for our kids, because your child's friendship means so much to my child and we want to say, well, I shouldn't have to say that, well, maybe you shouldn't, but maybe you should, because, again, part of our unique challenge is helping other families and other children and even other adults learn how to work with people that have some special, unique abilities. Finally, for today, remind your child that everyone needs family and friends, and I'm saying remind this of a child that doesn't have special needs when they look out in that world and they're champing along and they're doing things on that normalized spectrum. Teach them to start being aware of children that maybe aren't fitting that normalized spectrum and remind them everybody has a unique desire within their heart to have family and friends and to belong. So even those who cannot connect through good communication, maybe they're nonverbal, maybe they struggle with eye contact, they still long for acceptance and friends. And when we teach everyone else out there to look for that and to remind them that every human deserves to feel part of a loving family and peer group, we are growing a network and a community of people that are going to support each other for a lifetime.

Speaker 2: 21:56

So another example I have. So another example I have. So I have three sons. My middle son is the one with the rare genetic abnormality and his younger brother and him have a friend in common. And I'll be honest, and I think we've all seen this three can be a crowd. No matter who you are right, no matter who we are, three can be a crowd. The friend at first was my middle son's friend because their ages are similar and then, as the unique abilities and the special needs started to be a little more prominent. The friend gravitated towards my younger son. So what we have started to notice is that, yes, the friend does get along better with my younger son because they're both neurotypical.

Speaker 2: 22:46

So we have to and we, being the moms and I, the mom and I specifically sometimes, yeah, all three of them get together and we just help them work through their drama and working through their relationships, which, honestly, is what we do with all children. But we do schedule special time when my youngest is not part of the party it's not a party, but you know what I mean not part of the group that day and my special needs son and his buddy get to hang out. And that mom is very, very, very good at making sure to plan events and know what is needed and we sometimes even have to plan just blocks of time and she's really good at just saying, okay, we're going to set this aside for tea and my son and they're going to do this specific thing. And my son always feels appreciated by his friend and included by his friend. Even on the days when the three's a crowd, I still remind him hey, you're going to get some special time at some point in the future, and that always lifts his spirits. So thank you to my friend out there. I appreciate you.

Speaker 2: 23:53

We have just one thing I want to say we can change the world here. We have an opportunity. We can change the world. One child, we have an opportunity. We can change the world. One child, one mom, one dad at a time.

Speaker 2: 24:06

We have to be graceful in our teachings. We have to be forgiving of others because they don't know how to navigate this probably any better than we do, and we're still making it up as we go along half the time. Right, moms, we have to have compassion for others as well as compassion for ourselves. We have to be just willing to give grace and give another chance. When people decide to step out and don't want to be a part of our family and friend group, that's their loss and as much as that hurts us and our children, we can help them learn and grow through it also and teach them that at that point we say thank you, god for the opportunity to learn this lesson, for the good times that we did have, and help me focus on where my future sights should go. Thank you so much for joining me and look for the second half of this podcast on how can we help other children and family friends be friends with my special needs child. Have a great day everybody.

Speaker 1: 25:04

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