Ever wondered how understanding the difference between anger and hostility could transform your intimate relationships? Join us as we sit down with Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus PhD a leading sociologist and relationship expert, who unpacks the complexities of emotions in relationships and the pivotal role they play in signaling vital issues. Dr. Jenn shares her wisdom on emotional agility, emphasizing the importance of awareness, regulation, flexibility, and curiosity to boost communication and intimacy. We also tackle the sensitive topic of sexless marriages and discuss how cultivating emotional intelligence can lead to a deeper connection and longer-lasting relationships.
In another engaging chapter, we delve into the intricate dynamics between anger, fear, and hostility. Learn how these emotions can become deeply ingrained due to upbringing, belief systems, and repeated exposure. Explore how anger, a basic tool for self-protection, can escalate into harmful hostility with significant impacts on personal and workplace relationships. Dr. Jenn and I highlight the importance of emotional regulation through acknowledgment and responsible action, rather than suppression. We also discuss genetic predispositions, socialization, and trauma, offering practical advice for enhancing emotional health and improving relationship dynamics through socio-emotional learning and emotional intelligence.
Ever wondered how understanding the difference between anger and hostility could transform your intimate relationships? Join us as we sit down with Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus PhD a leading sociologist and relationship expert, who unpacks the complexities of emotions in relationships and the pivotal role they play in signaling vital issues. Dr. Jenn shares her wisdom on emotional agility, emphasizing the importance of awareness, regulation, flexibility, and curiosity to boost communication and intimacy. We also tackle the sensitive topic of sexless marriages and discuss how cultivating emotional intelligence can lead to a deeper connection and longer-lasting relationships.
In another engaging chapter, we delve into the intricate dynamics between anger, fear, and hostility. Learn how these emotions can become deeply ingrained due to upbringing, belief systems, and repeated exposure. Explore how anger, a basic tool for self-protection, can escalate into harmful hostility with significant impacts on personal and workplace relationships. Dr. Jenn and I highlight the importance of emotional regulation through acknowledgment and responsible action, rather than suppression. We also discuss genetic predispositions, socialization, and trauma, offering practical advice for enhancing emotional health and improving relationship dynamics through socio-emotional learning and emotional intelligence.
Speaker 1:
This podcast is brought to you by Life360 Innovations, creators of the Contino urethral insert, a non-surgical Health Canada licensed medical device for men with stress urinary incontinence. Contino is easy to use and blocks the flow of urine without the need for adult diapers or pads. More than just a medical device, the Contino care program connects you with experienced medical professionals and creates a personalized treatment plan that provides ongoing support so you can get back to life. Go to MyContinocom to see if Contino is right for you and book your free continence assessment. Get bladder leakage control with Contino and get back to living. Remember, go to Mycontinocom. That's M-Y-C-O-N-T-I-N-Ocom.
Speaker 1:
Ladies, do you leak with cough, sneeze and or exercise? Did you know that leaking urine is never normal? Hi, it's Maureen McGrath, registered nurse and nurse continence advisor. It's time to stop letting bladder leaks hold you back, and time to say goodbye to bladder leaks and hello to Moxie Patch, a revolutionary new device to treat stress urinary incontinence. Moxie Patch is ultra discreet, effective, reusable and eco-friendly, empowering you to live life to the fullest, free from the worries and limitations of stress urinary incontinence. With Moxie Patch, you can choose freedom from the hassle of bulky pads and embrace life again. Stop letting bladder leaks hold you back. Say goodbye to embarrassing moments and hello to unstoppable confidence with Moxie Patch. For more information or to order your Moxie Patch, go to MoxiePatchcom today and discover a new level of confidence. Moxiepatchcom, because you deserve to feel confident. Moxie patch is also available at select retailers and on amazoncom.
Speaker 1:
Good evening and welcome to another episode of my health show podcast. Thanks so much for tuning in. Thanks for following me on iTunes, google Play, apple Podcasts, spotify wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts. I really appreciate it. Thanks for all of the downloads to date. I really appreciate that as well, and I'm excited about this episode because I think it's such a critical subject, especially, as you know, I do some relationship education and counseling and I've worked with patients in sexless marriages and you know I've understand, or I think I understand, but I'm hoping to learn more a little bit about resentment and, in particular, anger versus hostility, and so I'm delighted to have joining me on the line Jennifer Gonzalez, phd speaker, a YPO, cff, a sociologist, retreat facilitator, coach, author and author on topics such as relationships, emotional agility and vulnerability, and she joins me on the line right now. Good evening, dr Gonzalez. How are you?
Speaker 2:
I'm good. How are you doing, Maureen? I'm so happy to be here.
Speaker 1:
I'm delighted to have you. You know we do our work kind of crosses over a bit, which is why I invited you.
Speaker 2:
But tell me a little bit about why and how you got into this field undergrad became a sexual health peer educator and became really interested on how people make decisions about sex and what people are talking about or not talking about, and the shame and the fear components of it, and so a lot of the emotions and belief systems under it. And I went on and got my PhD in sociology and was studying HIV prevention programs and such. So I came into my career path through the sexual health realm and through a lens of sociology and as it's evolved, you know I've had a private practice as a relationship and intimacy coach for the past 16 years. I do writing and videos and I published a book.
Speaker 2:
And then you know, my real passion is traveling and public speaking to different audiences and while it's often about intimacy and sex and relationships, the underlying components of what I'm often teaching people is generally the same and it's often awareness of their emotions, of what they're feeling, why they're feeling it, what belief systems they have around it, how they're acting on those emotions and how to develop more emotional agility, which is awareness and regulation and flexibility and curiosity, so that we could be more aware and responsible about our emotions and then to be able to communicate more effectively with others. Because, you know, truly at the core of intimacy is being able to be raw and real and vulnerable with others and to be able to create a safe space for others to do the same. Like that's what's most, most terrifying to us as humans, but also most fulfilling to us as humans, and we know, you know, and that's connected even to our longevity of life and happiness and life satisfaction. So, yeah, which ties into our topic here all about emotions.
Speaker 1:
All about emotions and that emotion regulation which a lot of people have difficulty with, especially in intimate relationships and I deal with a lot of patients who are in sexless marriages and it can quickly lead to anger or hostility and you wrote a great post on LinkedIn recently which is how I found out about you and you know, explaining the differences between that. Can you talk a little bit about anger versus hostility?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, so I mean, anger is an emotion, you know, and I like to think of emotions as you know they are. They're, you know, little bits of wisdom that hit us and that that move through us, that something is important to us or something matters to us, something is resonating with us. And so anger, just like sadness and fear and happiness and joy, you know, they are often fleeting and they move through us. And I like to think of anger as actually almost like a tool to use, like in our toolbox, like there are moments where there is like you are in danger or someone you care about is in danger, or something that really is really important to you is being challenged, and I think anger can be a really powerful tool to choose, to use, to be heard and then to choose to put back into your toolbox. And I think that can be a very healthy way of having emotion, of using anger and experiencing anger.
Speaker 2:
But sometimes anger tied with fear and repeated exposure over time or what you grew up experiencing or what belief systems you've been exposed to, that it can become more of a mental state. So, instead of an emotion that kind of moves through you, it becomes a default state or like a lens with which you view the world, or you view specific contexts and and hostility really has more antagonism to it. You know it's a combination of anger and resentment and aggression and it can have the intent because, like I think anger often the intent is to make sure you're heard or that you're protecting yourself or protecting others. Hostility can have more of the intention of actually wanting to harm others, and whether it's physical harm or emotional or mental harm, does that make sense?
Speaker 1:
Yes, it does, and is hostility more like a behavior. So it's aggression really. And is that when the anger goes unchecked? Does that happen, when people live in this state of anger and then eventually does it become hostility?
Speaker 2:
people live in this state of anger and then eventually does it become hostility? It could, because I do think one of the things around hostility because, like in the piece on LinkedIn that I wrote that you were commenting on, I reflected on myself of like, oh, what times do I feel like I got, maybe moved to hostility and while I wasn't actually like aggressive in terms of like physical harm to others, when did I feel that inside of me to want to um, like that? I didn't feel like I was, you know, coming from just wanting to communicate or coming from just wanting to be understood, but there was almost of like I want that other person to hurt in some way, or I want them to feel shame, or I want them to feel embarrassed, or I want them to feel stupid, or something like that which you know, those are all aspects of harm, of belittling or harming others. And so, yeah, you know, when I reflected on it for myself, some of it was like repeated exposure, if I felt like something kept getting, if something kept someone or some situation kept evoking anger in me and and like a real sense of injustice. I know that for me, um is a big trigger if it feels like me or people I care about, or groups of people are being treated in such an unfair, unjust way that's harmful to them, and someone else or other groups of people are not taking responsibility for that or don't seem to understand or don't seem to care.
Speaker 2:
And the danger in that is that you know that level of anger or moving into hostility, it's not, it's not effective. Often I mean it's, I mean clearly it's not compassionate, but it's not in the long run, it's not going to make us build a work together as a whole. And you look at the different you know I'm in the United States and San Diego and looking at the divisions in political groups and then you know subgroups within each political group and there's just so. There is so much anger but there is so much hostility and there's not listening, there's not compassion, there's not this genuine wanting to understand someone else's perspective. There seems to be a wanting to belittle others and shame others and emotionally hurt others and then sometimes literally physically hurt others. So there's such a danger in getting stuck in this lens of hostility and this mental state.
Speaker 1:
And it sounds like a very unhealthy. If you apply that to intimate relationships, it sounds like a very unhealthy, toxic relationship and very difficult for people to come back from that without help and support. And also you can apply that to the workplace as well, where people treat others poorly in the workplace and they're aggressive and they're hostile and they're you know, and it can be borderline bullying behavior. And it can be borderline bullying behavior. And so is this all tied to emotional intelligence or is this the result of a person's upbringing? Why are people like this?
Speaker 2:
I mean, I think it's a bunch of factors. I mean we are all born with genetic personalities, which is predispositions, and so that shapes us absolutely. And then, immediately from birth, it's intermixing with socialization and factors in how others are treating us, the expectations they put on us, how we're treated by gender and those gendered expectations, whether we have loving attachments or not with our primary caregivers, traumas that we experience. All of this shapes our perception of the world and the lens that we have, and and also then our, our, our main emotions and our default emotions. And then whether we've had people teach us emotional awareness and emotional regulation. And I want to be clear, you know, by emotional regulation, you know, sometimes, when I work in couples or you know I was telling you earlier, I work with a lot of CEOs and I think, especially men, and I think sometimes they, they think they have really good emotional regulation because they just shove down their emotions and I don't want to be clear. That's not what.
Speaker 2:
I mean by emotional regulation because they just shove down their emotions and I don't want to be clear. That's not what I mean by emotional regulation. I mean being aware of your emotions, honoring your emotions, acknowledging them, seeing what they mean to you, why you're experiencing certain feelings, what your stories are attached to it, and then making more responsible or healthy choices for yourself and those around you. So it is not the stuffing it down in a little box and burying it in the backyard. It's truly feeling and acknowledging and then making a choice with it. So, yeah, I think there's so many factors, but yeah, you were tying this to emotional intelligence and socio-emotional learning. I do think folks have different set points of just how aware of their own emotions they are, and some people had it modeled for them well by their parents or others growing up. But generally this isn't something we learn easily in our society. Overall, we don't have well modeled for us. It's certainly not modeled in like reality television. I think it's the lack of emotional intelligence that most draws people to reality tv, right, um and such so um. However, like we all have emotions, we all have emotions that hit us in unexpected ways or things that don't make sense and things that are uncomfortable and whether we're aware of it or not, they're there. And to be able to become aware of it means we're not letting, we're not at just sort of at the whim of our emotions. You know, there's some research that shows that at least 80% of our decisions that we make actually have emotions underlying those decisions. Right, and so that means, even when we think we're making the most logical decision, there still may be emotions under the surface that are impacting that quote unquote logical decision. So the more that we can study them in ourselves and be aware, and then you know, and just literally, just by start, like oh, I'm, yeah, something's going on for me right now. Let me go look at a list of emotions.
Speaker 2:
Oh, oh, I think I'm feeling embarrassed. Oh, I'm actually feeling a little humiliated. Oh, feeling embarrassed. Oh, I'm actually feeling a little humiliated. Oh, and I'm actually disappointed. Huh, like that's interesting, like just that labeling of it. It's incredibly empowering because there's a sense of agency, that it's not just these random things happening to you that are uncomfortable, but now you can identify them and label them. And once we can do that, then we can articulate them to others and then we can make them and label them, and once we can do that, then we can articulate them to others and then we can make new choices with them.
Speaker 2:
Be like oh yeah, this is tough. What can I do? What can I do differently? That's not my normal pattern, which is maybe to lash out and yell at somebody or to shame them, or to retreat emotionally and avoid the situation, or to want to grab my phone and just mindlessly scroll and avoid the situation. Or to want to grab my phone and just mindlessly scroll and avoid the situation. Or go drink or smoke pot and numb myself or make a joke or trivialize it like or downplay it like.
Speaker 2:
Those are all like main things that people go to when they are uncomfortable in a moment, with an emotion, and then we have a pattern around it and that's our go-to pattern, um, and so our go-to patterns are there for a reason because we learned long ago that this is uncomfortable in some ways and we don't have the skills to stay with it. So, studying what are your avoidance patterns, um, and. And then, once we could pull back the layers of it, then you can sit and drop into like, oh yeah, this is what I'm feeling here. Yeah, this feels really uncomfortable. This is why I want to yell at that person for asking why we haven't had sex in three months, because I actually feel guilt and shame and embarrassment and I have fear that they're going to leave me or cheat on me or that I've disappointed them. You're like, yeah, no wonder you had a reaction.
Speaker 2:
Those things are really hard to sit with.
Speaker 1:
So that's exactly right, and that's something that I deal with quite frequently in my clinical practice as well. If you enjoy the show, there's one simple way you can show your support Just hit the follow button on the app you're using to listen to the show. Right now, I'm working so hard to take everything on the show to the next level, and your follow means a lot to me. It's the only free thing I'll ever ask of you, and it truly makes a big difference. Thank you sincerely for your support. I truly appreciate it. This podcast is brought to you by Life360 Innovations.
Speaker 1:
Creators of the Contino Urethral Insert, a non-surgical, health Canada licensed medical device for men with stress urinary incontinence. Contino is easy to use and blocks the flow of urine without the need for adult diapers or pads. More than just a medical device, the Contino Care Program connects you with experienced medical professionals and creates a personalized treatment plan that provides ongoing support so you can get back to life. Go to mycontinocom to see if Contino is right for you and book your free continence assessment. Get bladder leakage control with Contino and get back to living. Remember, go to MyContinocom. That's M-Y-C-O-N-T-I-N-Ocom, ladies. Do you leak with cough, sneeze and or exercise? Did you know that leaking urine is never normal. Hi, it's Maureen McGrath, registered nurse and nurse continence advisor. It's time to stop letting bladder leaks hold you back and time to say goodbye to bladder leaks and hello to Moxie Patch, a revolutionary new device to treat stress urinary incontinence. Moxie Patch is ultra-discrete, effective, reusable and eco-friendly, empowering you to live life to the fullest, free from the worries and limitations of stress urinary incontinence. With Moxie Patch, you can choose freedom from the hassle of bulky pads and embrace life again. Stop letting bladder leaks hold you back. Say goodbye to embarrassing moments and hello to unstoppable confidence with Moxie Patch. For more information or to order your Moxie Patch, go to MoxiePatchcom today and discover a new level of confidence. Moxiepatchcom, because you deserve to feel confident. Moxie Patch is also available at select retailers and on Amazoncom. Select retailers and on amazoncom, lives will be better, I can guarantee. I am Maureen McGrath and you are listening to my Health Show podcast. Thanks so much for tuning in. I'm Maureen McGrath and you have been listening to the Sunday Night Health Show podcast. If you want to hear this podcast or any other segment again, feel free to go to iTunes, spotify or Google Play or wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts. You can always email me nursetalk at hotmailcom or text the show 604-765-9287. That's 604-765-9287. Or head on over to my website for more information, maureenmcgrathcom. It's been my pleasure to spend this time with you. This podcast is brought to you by Life360 Innovations. Creators of the Contino Urethral Insert, a non-surgical Health Canada licensed medical device for men with stress urinary incontinence. Contino is easy to use and blocks the flow of urine without the need for adult diapers or pads. More than just a medical device, the Contino care program connects you with experienced medical professionals and creates a personalized treatment plan that provides ongoing support so you can get back to life. Go to MyContinocom to see if Contino is right for you and book your free continence assessment. Get bladder leakage control with Contino and get back to living. Remember, go to MyContinocom. That's M-Y-C-O-N-T-I-N-Ocom.
Speaker 1:
Ladies, do you leak urine with cough, sneeze and or exercise? Leaking urine is never normal. Hi, I'm Maureen McGrath, registered nurse and nurse continence advisor. Ladies, it's time to stop letting bladder leaks hold you back. Say goodbye to embarrassing moments and hello to Moxipatch, the revolutionary solution for stress urinary incontinence. Moxie Patch is ultra-discreet, effective, reusable and eco-friendly, empowering you to live life to the fullest without worries or limitations. So, ladies, ditch the bulky pads and embrace freedom with Moxie Patch. Experience unstoppable confidence today. For more information or to order your Moxie patch, visit MoxiePatchcom. That's MoxiePatchcom because you deserve to feel great again. Moxie Patch is also available online at select retailers and on Amazoncom. Get your Moxie patch today. You'll be glad you did.
