Welcome to Loving the Imperfect Podcast, a show for seekers of deeper contemplation. I'm Brianne Turczynski. For 10 years, I've been studying offerings from holy teachers and holy texts. I'm a journalist who has listened to the stories of many people throughout the years, and so I thought it was my turn to share a thing or two about my journey and my thoughts on scripture and holy work from different faith traditions and practices, mostly from Sufi teachers, Buddhists, and Christian mystics. So, join me as we imperfectly and clumsily make our way through each day, mustering up compassion and some words of love for the hours ahead.
Hello, and welcome to Loving the Imperfect. Today's psalm is 143, and it is written by David. So, a reading from a Psalm of David:
1 Lord, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
2 Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
like those long dead.
4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
6 I spread out my hands to you;
I thirst for you like a parched land.[a]
7 Answer me quickly, Lord;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, Lord,
for I hide myself in you.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.
11 For your name’s sake, Lord, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
-Borrowed from the New International Version
In this psalm, we have David who is depressed. David wrote: “Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.” That can happen when you're on a mystical path. Not depression really, but sort of feeling discouraged sometimes in your spiritual growth, thinking that you're not doing it right, or that God has left you.
And so that's what I wanted to talk about today. The mystical contemplative path is one of ups and downs, sometimes drastic ups and downs, almost manic at the beginning. At least that's how it was for me. And I have seen this with some of the mystics I've read. But they were at the point by that time when they took their stories to paper that they had gathered or obtained enough wisdom at that point to know that the downs never last forever, that God always shows the face of light again, in unexpected and beautiful ways.
I've never called myself a mystic, okay? And I'm not sure it's even okay to call yourself a mystic. I've always been kind of unsure about that. But others have called me this. I have recognized similarities in my writings and observations of God and that of other mystics from days of old.
I was first introduced to the word mystic by my favorite author, W. Somerset Maugham. I liked his writing because he kept his stories simple and readable, yet his character development, at least in his later work, was very complex. And he spent a lot of time and care getting them just right, it seemed. And the characters that he created, their innermost workings aligned so perfectly with either myself or people I have met that I knew he must have spent a lot of time observing the human condition in the people he knew and in himself.
The skill he excelled in was posturing his characters. Because he wrote plays and worked in theater. He knew how to write gestures and facial expressions very well. So I learned this skill from him. So, when it came to writing, he was my teacher. He was also very much into history, and I also love history. He incorporated a lot of historical facts in his writing. He wrote a really neat book that was kind of like an Avant Garde story. It's called Don Fernando, it was kind of a story, but also a historical nonfiction about the Spanish Renaissance or Spain’s Golden Age. In this book, he spoke about the Christian mystics of Spain and also the work of the artist El Greco. And he spoke about the writer, the monk, Louis de Leon, who wrote a collection called The Names of Christ. I immediately bought that book and read it, and I loved it. That was the first introduction to mysticism that I experienced, that and St. Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross.
When he mentioned the word mystic in this book, I knew I had landed on a word that identified what I was, because I had always felt like there was just something different. I don't know how to explain it, but I wanted to go deeper into my spirituality, and I felt like I could.
I felt like going to church and saying the prayers was good, but there was something else. I felt like there was no end to how far we could go with our spirituality. And so, when I landed on that word, I just felt this weird feeling like I had discovered my community or some friends, even when they were long dead, so it was this immediate connection I had even though I hadn't read their works yet, but I knew that if I did, I would meet some people that I could identify with, or that would affirm what I was going through spiritually.
This was before the church began to speak of the mystics. At least, I had never heard of the mystics talked about in the church before. But after this discovery, I started to hear and see the subject everywhere. This is something that happens quite a bit because you're finally in tune with that specific word. So, then you start to hear it. And that's what happened to me. I asked my priest about the word mystic and started to talk to him about W. Somerset Maugham's book, Don Fernando, and about the mystics that he was talking about. Our pastor let me borrow a collection of the works of Richard Rohr to read, and that's how I got introduced to Richard Rohr, who is a modern-day mystic, I would say. And that was the beginning of my blossoming into what I am becoming,
I will put a few books that I recommend in the description for this episode. Books that helped me on this journey, on this path. And one of W. Somerset Maugham’s books, Don Fernando I would highly recommend about Spain's golden age, and a really cute interview with him at his house in France.
There are ups and downs, especially a couple of years ago, there were a lot because I was discerning whether or not to go into the priesthood, and I would have these days where sometimes God was right there beside me, and the veil was lifted, and I could speak back and forth to God. We could speak together. And other times the veil would drop, and I would feel the connection sever. And this would last for what felt like an eternity, even though it was only maybe a couple of days, but it just felt like forever.
I would get very discouraged, like a spoiled child. Thinking that God had left me forever, and you know, why am I discerning to go into the priesthood? I don't even feel that close to God anymore. just kind of immature coming into this. I think it was immaturity or maybe fear that I was losing the stuff that I worked so hard to learn about, that it was drifting away.
This was my life for a while, these ups and downs of spirituality, like attainable spirituality versus, having to grasp it for myself. Sometimes it was just there. God was just there. And I was immersed in it and then another day would go by and it would be gone and my spirituality would feel very dry and that's why they call it spiritual dryness. This is something that all the mystics and probably everybody goes through at some point if you're really paying attention to the frequency of your spirituality, and I was all the time, and this was my life for a while, and my spiritual director helped me get through these periods of what is called spiritual drought or spiritual dryness, when no amount of reading or praying brings joy. But he said, God does this to train us and to teach us, and God is still there. So, with that, I would settle down.
This is why it's good to have a spiritual director if you are entering the mystical path or just a different path of spirituality or spiritual growth or want to learn more or whatever. It's good to have somebody to guide you to give you the books to read and to introduce you to people that you might want to know about.
Many mystics teach us not to rely on the senses. I was sensing God with me, but then when I didn't sense God with me, I would get very discouraged and kind of depressed. So, this is why they teach not to rely on the senses.
I think the senses are very helpful. But you need to understand that they are senses. Don't rely on them too much. Don't base your whole spirituality on what you're feeling physically. They teach us not to rely on the senses because we must learn the truth, that God is always with us, speaking to us, and hearing us, even when we don't feel it. And soon that sixth sense, that mystical sense, will go on autopilot in these dry moments. At least that's what happened to me, and I have stopped having them. I have them, but I don't worry about them anymore. I ignore it. And I just keep doing things the way I've always done them. And I don't get discouraged anymore because I know the truth. The truth is that God is still here. God is still listening. And God is still speaking to me. All I have to do is go outside and look at the trees and God's speaking to me because God is in everything. You look at the trees and God speaks joy to you. So, it's the little things. God's presence is constant now. Constant now.
And it always has been. But now I know the truth. And I, I realize the truth, and the truth is ingrained in me, that sense that God is always with me, no matter what. And so, once you're on the mystical path for a while, that truth will be embedded in you as well.
This took years, so you have to be patient with yourself because you are just being trained. Like a fruitful vine in God's vineyard of life.
Next week's psalm is 150. That's our very last psalm. That will be the end of season one. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you next week. Bye bye.
